Opportunities
by Jacque Koh
Beta-read by Lori McDonald
He was a man in his mid-thirties, this tall, stalwart figure standing in the counselor's office. An 'everyman'. Someone you would probably pass in the streets without a second glance. His given name was Vincent and currently... he was a tower of frustration.
"It's *not* fair!"
"Vincent, calm down--"
"Damn it, doctor. Why is it so different? He was raped too! He was assaulted by god knows how many bastards over two f$%ing days!" Vincent rounded on his counselor in anger and frustration. "And you can't convince me that he's not a minor! Those f$%king assholes gang raped a boy and broadcast the monstrosity all over the globe."
The counselor stayed silent and let him rant.
"Every man, woman and child on this planet *knows* that he was sexually abused by those--those Galactor savages! They exposed him on TV!"
Vincent sank back into his chair and let his chin flop dejectedly on his chest. "And he just shrugged it off... Just barely two days after the Galactors started broadcasting his--his ordeal, Gatchaman cowed them and returned to life as normal. Why is it so easy for him? Why is it taking me so long to resolve *my* trauma?"
"Vincent," the counselor started gently, "You can't compare yourself to--"
"Doctor, it's just not fair. It--it took me--it took me *years* to decide to come to you. We've been talking for--for how many months? And--and I'm still not--I still can't--it's--it's just not fair!"
"Vincent, I would dare say Gatchaman couldn't have brushed off his trauma that easily." The counselor walked across the room to kneel beside the man. "How much do we really know about him? How much have we been allowed to see of him? Gatchaman *cannot* allow the Galactors to see any hint of suffering, Vincent. They will seize on any distress he shows as a weakness!"
She lifted his face so that he would meet her eyes. "Vincent, you have hidden your pain from your friends and family as well. Is it so hard to think that Gatchaman would have hidden *his* pain from the rest of the world? How can we say that the rape hasn't affected him?"
"He was gang raped on TV, doctor. There was so much blood and semen on him... There--there must have been--so many of them... It--it wasn't that bad for me. I only--it was only--one and--it was--it was hardly--hardly more than fifteen minutes." He looked away from her.
"But for him--it was--forty-eight hours... over forty-eight hours of--of a pack of animals assaulting him like--like sharks in a feeding frenzy. They--we saw them--continuously violating him... heaping abuse after abuse on him as he struggled and failed to fight them off... And--and it was--it was just--it was just a 'trivial' matter. He shrugged it off as--just trivial--"
"Vincent, you cannot compare your ordeal with Gatchaman's. You were viciously attacked by someone you thought you could trust. Gatchaman was abused as a prisoner of war. What happened to you is no less horrific than the assault on him." The doctor gripped his chin to make him face her again. "You can't compare what the powers that be allow us to see on TV with the true facts. Gatchaman can't share his pain with the world, Vincent. The Eagle cannot let the Galactors know how much he was hurt."
"And how do I know he was even hurt at all! We don't see anything different in how he usually operates. He's just a boy! How is it that he is so strong? What was the Eagle told to prepare himself for--for this kind of humiliation that he can shrug it off so easily? It's--just not fair, doctor. Why--can't--I be--as strong?"
"Vincent, you can't believe everything the media tells you. You don't know all the facts. You've never met the boy behind the mask of Gatchaman. How can you say he was not hurt? How can you think he hasn't suffered some sort of trauma from the experience?"
"How do I know he has, doctor? How do I know he was even hurt by this?"
"No one can know, Vincent. For the sake of this war, Gatchaman cannot share any of his pain with us. The Galactors *cannot* be allowed to think they can hurt Gatchaman."
"It's not fair to the rest of us."
"The war is never fair, Vincent. Don't hate Gatchaman for his strength. That is all he can allow himself to show to us. But we can't think or believe that he was not hurt at all, Vincent. We know better."
{"The war is never fair, Vincent. Don't hate Gatchaman for his strength. That is all he can allow himself to show to us. But we can't think or believe that he was not hurt at all, Vincent. We know better."}
His counselor's words continued to ring in his ears as he shuffled down the street. It was true. Everyone looked up to Gatchaman. He was--he was strength and indomitable will personified. If just one crack appeared, the Galactors would seize upon it and exploit it to the max. With the eyes of the world upon him, Gatchaman couldn't afford to show any weakness.
But this knowledge didn't make him feel any better. The world saw Gatchaman subjected to a horrific gang rape and he walked away from it without batting an eye.
Why can't I be as strong?>
He was just walking past a wall of televisions when a Public broadcast interrupted the scheduled programs.
What propaganda bullshit do they want to throw at us now?>
Vincent stopped to watch disinterestedly as Chief Anderson approached the podium of the pressroom with a shaft of papers.
"Ladies and Gentlemen. I have here in my hand a statement to read to you. I'm sure you recall the telecast, several months ago, by Galactor of their contemptible sexual abuse of Gatchaman. I dare admit now, that we of the UN had greatly feared for the emotional and mental health of this young man for the unspeakable horror visited upon him during his captivity."
"Yet, Gatchaman once more proved himself to be stronger than Galactor would give him credit for. He proved to us all that the Galactors could never break him with their vile cruelty. He showed to the world the strength he would wield, to protect us from the evil that the Galactor Empire would spread if given a chance."
"Gatchaman more than justified our faith in his strength and ability to continue his fight to rid our nations of these terrorists who would try to hold our world hostage to their sick designs."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a statement from Gatchaman. Something he had wished to be shared with you. It was with great difficulty that he accept our refusal to let him deliver this statement to you in person. Because of his position, we could not allow him to endanger himself with this public exposure and so I have taken it upon myself to deliver his statement on his behalf."
You know me as Owashi no Ken, as Gatchaman of the ISO's Kagaku Ninjatai. You know that I have pledged my life to fight for you against the tyranny of the Galactor Empire. I have sworn to protect you and guard us all from the mechanisms of the Galactor Empire, because it is for you that I am Gatchaman. It is for you that I face danger and lead the Kagaku Ninjatai in our war against Galactor. It is my pledge to protect you.Yet, in the past months, I have come to realize that I have done to some of you a great disservice. It was not my intention to hurt you, but in my thoughtlessness, I did. And I deeply apologize for my cruelty.
You wonder how I have done this 'great disservice?'
Several months ago, I was captured by the Galactors and their leader, Berg Katse, arranged for his soldiers to subjected me to methodical rape in an effort to break my spirit. After my escape, he attempted to demoralize your spirits, by broadcasting his recording of my gang rape into your homes and offices. The Galactors accomplished neither of these goals.
Summarily, the next broadcast showed the Galactors for the cowards they were and you were privy to my feelings and opinion of their attempt to use sexual abuse against me. This was where I committed my insult.
I say this because I had not intended for you to see or hear my exchange with Berg Katse. For if I had known you were to hear it as well, I would not have chosen my words so poorly.
For you to hear from my lips that I considered the sexual assault 'a trivial activity,' was a great injustice to those of you who are victims of this crime of violence. And I offer my humblest apologies for this offense.
Any questions you may have had on my health or on my ability to continue my role as Gatchaman in the aftermath of my assault, I had intended to address in my actions and in my continued battle against Galactor. I think you have seen enough proof that my ability and will has been neither diminished nor weakened by my ordeal.
As Gatchaman, I am unbending and unwavering in this war against the Galactor Empire. However, I would be perpetuating a lie if I were to let you believe that the person behind the mask was not hurt by the assault of the Galactors.
I am not always Gatchaman. Outside the uniform, I had a life which I could retreat to between battles. I had a life where I could walk among you and pretend to be an ordinary citizen. The Galactors took that life away when they unmasked me.
My private life was shattered. With my identity exposed, I could no longer walk among you and pretend to be like you. That refuge from the war was destroyed, and I was now a target. I could no longer feel safe anywhere and I felt as if I had to brace myself to be attacked at any moment. But that was the least of my distress.
I had always known of the various dangers my identity as Gatchaman forced upon my life. Yet nothing could have prepared me to be raped. I--I had prayed during the beginning of the assault that it was all a nightmare which I could awaken from. I could not believe that such a thing was happening to me. L--lat--later, I realized the soldiers had been ordered that I--I--
Anderson had stopped reading at this point. Even through the distance of television, it could be seen that the portly statesman had grown as white as a sheet. He was gripping the podium with trembling hands as if it was the only support which kept him standing.
Someone was handing the director a glass of water as they waited for him brace himself to continue.
Vincent started as he looked around him to realize that a sizable but silent crowd had gathered during the speech. It surprised him that he had not noticed and even now did not feel a familiar terror of being hemmed in and surrounded.
The sound of Chief Anderson clearing his throat brought all attention back to the broadcast.
L--later, I realized the soldiers had been ordered that--I be subjected to continuous sexual abuse until my spirit was broken.Some might consider it a smarter course if I had submitted to the abuse instead of fighting. That knowing the result needed to halt the abuse, I might have faked a broken spirit to escape further violation and defilement. But I knew that Berg Katse wanted to record this and use it to demoralize the spirit of the free world. Gatchaman could not allow them the satisfaction.
It was Gatchaman who eventually planned the escape. Who though drugged, still kept presence of mind to wait and fake unconsciousness to lessen and dissuade further assaults. It was Gatchaman who waited until the physical body could recover from the shock of the abuse to escape the prison and later destroy the base.
Gatchaman could survive and rise above the assault. But it was the boy behind the mask who had to live with the memories and flashbacks, which would haunt him from the attack. And in these memories, I could not be Gatchaman. In these memories, I was a boy who was shrieking in terror and revulsion at what was done to me.
I did not want to be that boy. My private life was taken away but I still had my duty and dedication to fall back upon. I thought that was enough to just be Gatchaman. I had felt that I could only find solace in my identity as Gatchaman.
It was probably irony in itself that I created a total reverse of my earlier management of identities. Gatchaman had become an identity I escaped to, whenever the pressures of my private life grew too much for me to handle. But my family and friends refused to let me give up my other life. They refused to allow me to stay locked in my role as Gatchaman.
With the war around us, it was all too easy for me to escape into my work and just be Gatchaman over the objections of family and friends. I felt that I had little reason to try to take on a new identity. The things I used to enjoy as an ordinary citizen no longer brought me the same pleasure. My life as an ordinary citizen had no importance to the world and I felt that there was little reason for me to set aside my work to take that role again.
Then I realized that I could not allow Galactor to destroy my private life. I could not let them claim even this personal victory over me. But I could not face it alone, I needed to reach out for help.
I would be lying, if I were to say that it was easy for me to seek a counselor's advice. I felt disinclined to speak with them and found myself occasionally making excuses to avoid them. Then, I was fortunate enough to encounter my current counselor. And she started to help me rebuild another private life from scratch.
My family, friends and my counselor helped me to stop hiding behind the role of Gatchaman. And it was only with their support, and the support of other victims of rape who've reached out to me during my counseling, that I started to learn to live a private life again.
Not all of you who I've met through my counselor know who I really am. And it was through you that I realized the injustice Gatchaman had unintentionally met out, in making the world think I had emerged unscathed from my ordeal. I could not let that lie stand and that is why I asked for this press conference.
To those of you who have reached out to me and helped me through my counseling, I thank you for your courage in sharing your experience with me and for the strength you have given me to rebuild my private life.
To those of you out there who have also been victims of rape or sexual abuse and who still hold it as a secret within you, I want you to know that you are not alone. You don't have to suffer alone. There are people out there who can help you. It is not a shame to seek help. Do not let it destroy you. Do not give this victory to your assailants. You are not alone, and you can find the strength to face this.
I am Gatchaman, I will not break to whatever abuse the Galactors try to subject me to. They will fail because I will not allow them any victory over us. I am Owashi no Ken, the White Shadow of the Kagaku Ninjatai and I have pledged my life to protect this earth and to bring about the annihilation of the Galactor Empire.
And I am also a private citizen, who strives to be counted as a survivor of rape and sexual assault.
Chief Anderson lowered the papers and looked up to the cameras again.
"That--that is all. No questions, I--I. That is all that is to be said."
The regular broadcasts continued as scheduled, stirring the silent audience back into motion.
Vincent shook himself out of his passivity and looked around him. The mood of the crowd was distinctly somber and he could not help but notice the rather large number of people reaching for handkerchiefs or tissues to dab at tears which had formed during the broadcast.
He reached up to his face and was un-surprised to find tears rolling down his cheeks as well. He wasn't unaffected and he--he actually let us know. He--he shared his pain with all of us.>
"I still say it was an unnecessary risk."
Vincent started slightly at the growling voice, which seemed to stand out amid the murmuring of the dispersing crowd.
"It was something I *needed* to do, father."
Is that Gatchaman? Here?> Vincent turned around discreetly, trying to pinpoint the speakers in the crowd. It took him a bit of searching, but he found them.
A tall dark man, in a white suit and fedora, walking beside a bespectacled blond youth, dressed in black shirt, green jeans and jacket.
"Are you still worried the Galactors would use it against me?"
Vincent strained his ears to listen, trying hard not to let father and son know that he was eavesdropping on their quiet exchange.
"No, at least not against Gatchaman. But you exposed yourself, you laid your soul bare to the world. Now Katse knows for sure he's hurt you."
"But he's also seen that he hasn't hurt Gatchaman and it is *Gatchaman* who makes their life a living hell. He can break me down, he can trash my private life but he will never break Gatchaman. I have to be fair to the other victims of sexual abuse, father. I--I *was* hurt by the ordeal. To be fair, I had to let them know that." The blond youth turned towards his father. "Ar--are you ashamed of me f--for admitti--"
"No! *Don't* you *ever* think that I could be ashamed of you!" The father pulled him into a tight hug.
Vincent's eyes widened slightly as he noticed that slight almost imperceptible flinch in the youth, when his father's arms had shot out to reach around him and crush him in an embrace. He doubted that the father noticed the flinch, or even felt the slight momentary shiver that ran through his son, since the boy returned his hug and snuggled deeper into the embrace.
"I'm just--I'm scared for you. Katse can be--"
"Katse did not become a bigger monster just because he ordered my rape. The danger was always there, father, it'll never go away. It's what I will always have to live with." The youth murmured into his father's shirt. "I can't keep hiding behind my work, father. You've taught me that. I have to confront the fears."
The youth drew back slightly to look up into his father's eyes. "Not all rape victims have as extensive a support structure as you all have built for me, father. And they--all of us need to seek help. I couldn't let it stand as it was, father. It wouldn't have been fair."
"The war is never fair, son." The older man pulled him back into a tighter embrace. "I'm--I'm proud of you. Don't you *ever* think I could ashamed of you. It would have been so much easier to hide and not let anyone know... You did good, son. I *am* proud of you."
They stayed in the embrace for only a few minutes longer before the slowly gathering onlookers made them uncomfortable enough to leave.
"Did you realize how schizoid you made yourself sound, son?"
"Perils of keeping a secret identity, father. You have a persona at work, at play, at home..." He gave his father a dirty look. "When I start giving each of these personas a name and start referring to them in third person, *then* you can start worrying about it, okay?"
The father chuckled as he punched his son's shoulder playfully at his expression of exasperation.
Vincent leaned against a wall as he watched father and son disappear into the crowd. His head was swimming from the public broadcast and from what he had just overheard.
He's just like anyone of us. Just as scared... traumatized... hurt... No different to the rest of us, who can suppress it enough to go on with our daily lives and hide it from friends, family and co-workers.>
The stalwart man pushed himself away from the wall and started walking back to his counselor's office.
Only difference is, it--it must be so much harder when he's got the whole world watching him and depending on him... When he has to confront the cause of his pain almost--almost every day. He has to face the Galactors all the time--be responsible for his team--face that fear that it will happen again, to him or to his teammates. With all of us depending on him, he can find the strength to be Gatchaman *for* us. Yet for just himself...>
He could have given it up... just retreated into the role of Gatchaman and thrown away the pain of having to rebuild his life. But he looked for help and he's facing the pain just like the rest of us.>
Vincent unconsciously started to straighten his shoulders as he walked.
Despite all the pain the Galactors put him through, he could still find the strength to carry on and rebuild. I can do it too!>
The End