What's Meant to Be

by Quatre-sama

the pilots are forced to deal with new affections and past loves when they reunite six years after the war... shounen ai/yaoi warning

2. Part Two

What's Meant to Be (part 2)

"Never let me drink that much again," Duo said. "I've never been so hung over in my life."

It was Sunday night. After Duo woke up Saturday morning at my place, he'd vowed never to drink again. But that ended the same evening, when the two of us took to the bottle after several seriously depressing conversations. I'd found that I was more upset about the whole evening before than I had admitted. I hated drinking that much, but depression often made us do stupid things.

"WuFei's coming over," I said as I turned off the TV. "He wants to take you home. I think he wants to talk to you, too."

"Great," Duo muttered. "He'll give me some speech about how I embarrassed myself in front of Heero, and how it's worthless to pine after an engaged man."

I gave Duo a sidelong look. "You know, that's a good point."

Duo sighed. "Yeah, but it's a lot easier to think you're going to eventually give up on someone than actually do it. Hell, I've loved Heero for six years. I don't know how many times I tried to work up the nerve to tell him. But I guess it was pointless in the end, anyway. He really loves her."

"I think he does, too."

"And where does that leave me?" Duo asked, slouching back against the couch. "I guess you can't fight it if it's meant to be. No amount of will can change fate. I must be destined to live out my years alone."

For the hundredth time that weekend, I became angry at how unfair the world seemed to be. I didn't want Heero to break up with Relena or anything—I just wished that Duo could've at least confessed his feelings back when it could've made a difference. But then again, I asked myself, would his confession have been enough to make a difference? Obviously Heero wasn't gay; would Duo have been able to confess without a violent reaction?

Duo's eyes were closed and he looked peaceful. "Promise me you won't fight it."

"Fight what?" I asked.

"Fate. Or your feelings."

"It's too late for that," I said with a laugh. "I've been fighting my feelings for as long as I can remember."

"Six years?" Duo opened one eye, staring at me. "Really, Quatre, I've known you better than you know yourself. You had a crush on Trowa during the war. You were just afraid of being gay."

"Oh, come on!" I protested, mortified by the deep blush that warmed my cheeks. I didn't want to hear it. It was the same old argument, but with Trowa's name instead of Duo's. Frighteningly, this time it rang true.

I was saved from thinking about it any more by WuFei's knock on the door. I let him in, and Duo came into the foyer, wiping his eyes.

"You're still loaded?" WuFei asked incredulously, staring at Duo, then turning an accusing look toward me.

"No—he hasn't had anything since last night," I answered quickly.

"Quatre cut me off," Duo sighed. He handed WuFei the sweatshirt from Friday night. "Thanks for letting me borrow it."

"No problem." WuFei smiled, tossing the shirt over his shoulder. "Let's get out of here. Quatre's probably sick of you by now."

They headed out the door, but Duo stopped abruptly, turning toward me. "Remember, Quatre. You shouldn't fight what's meant to be."

WuFei tossed me a strange glance before ushering Duo out. I guess I'd have to explain, sooner or later.

They left, and I closed the door behind them, leaning on it for a moment. Was Duo right? I didn't want to think about it, so I went back to the living room to clean up. Having Duo around always led to messes. There were empty food containers on the coffee table, empty cans of soda and beer. I grabbed as much as I could and threw it into the trash. Then I took all the sheets and blankets from the couch and put them in the bathroom hamper. Why would he be right this time, but wrong all the other times?

Then the phone rang. I pressed the "receive" button, but no picture appeared on the screen. "Hello?" I asked.

"Quatre." It was Trowa. He must've had his old cellular model. I wondered if he was traveling.

"Yes?"

"Is Duo still there?" he sounded impatient, maybe nervous.

"No," I answered. "He left with WuFei just a little while ago."

". . . "

"Did you want to talk to him?" I asked.

"No. . .yeah. Thanks anyway." He hung up.

I pressed a button and stared at the phone, wondering if it would ring again. I knew Trowa could be a little . . . enigmatic, but that was weird, even for him, but I reminded myself not to obsess.

I went back to my cleaning. Although I could've had a housekeeper, I'd opted to take care of myself for once. WuFei always said it was probably a backlash against my pampered childhood. But I actually liked cleaning sometimes. It was nice to become absorbed in an activity, without having to think about anything.

My peace was interrupted by a knock on the door. Had Duo forgotten something? Was it an official visit? I glanced down at my clothes—I was wearing a wrinkled t-shirt and a pair of grey shorts. I was barefoot. I prayed that it was only Duo or WuFei.

I opened the door to find Trowa, standing nervously in front of me with his cel phone clutched to his chest. His eyes were wide, and his breath seemed a little ragged.

"Trowa!" I'm sure I looked as alarmed as him. I pulled him into my apartment and closed the door.

"I-I called on the way over," he said without looking at me.

I offered to take his jacket—did he mean to stay for a while? He took it off quickly, and I noticed that his hands shook slightly.

"Are you all right? Do you need anything?" I asked as I hung the jacket up in the closet. Trowa wasn't the type of person who'd arrive unannounced. I was worried. I ushered him into the living room.

He shook his head slightly, and looked around the room. "Your place looks nice. I don't remember it being this big." He relaxed a little. His breathing had become more normal.

"Thanks. It's kind of messy, though—sorry." I picked up the last few beer cans and took them to the kitchen.

"I never knew you were such a big drinker." Trowa's voice was quiet, but audible.

"Only when I'm with Duo," I replied with a laugh. "But don't get the wrong idea—he's not a lush or anything. He's just . . ." I didn't want to go into Duo's problems.

When I returned to the living room Trowa was sitting on the couch. He looked awful. I sat beside him.

Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yes. . . no—I guess." Never in my life had I seen him like this. "I need to talk. To you."

"Okay," I said timidly.

"Well," he began, "Friday night, after you guys left, Heero and I spent a lot of time talking. We talked about Duo, and the past six years, and I realized some important things."

He stopped suddenly, taking a deep breath. "The thing is, Heero told me a long time ago that it's all right for humans to act according to their feelings. And I realized that I've been fighting my feelings for way too long."

Was I hearing this? Trowa was virtually a stranger to me now, and he wanted to talk about feelings? To me? The fluttery feeling returned with a vengeance, and I wanted a drink. What feelings had Trowa been fighting? Somehow it reminded me of Duo's words. "You can't fight what's meant to be," I murmured.

"Exactly." Trowa's eyes lit up and his lips formed a slight smile. I thought I'd made myself immune to it over the years—but somehow at that moment I felt a twinge of . . . something.

Trowa leaned closer, taking my hand in his; I gulped. "Quatre," his voice was low, "don't you think it's time we stopped?"

"Stopped?" My word was barely audible.

"Stopped fighting this."

My heart seemed to hesitate and my body felt cold all over. "Are you sure?" Even my voice was shaky.

He tilted his head slightly. "You can't be sure of anything until you've tried it." He leaned even closer, brushing his lips lightly against mine. I closed my eyes without meaning to.

My heart began to pound—I was almost certain he could hear it. Yes, my mind and body agreed with Trowa, I have been fighting this for too long.

I reached for him, kissing with more force, more emotion. All at once I felt like I had six years worth of pent-up passion to give him, and I wanted him to have it all at once. His lips parted slightly, so I took the opportunity to slip my tongue between them. I loved the feel of his mouth, his cool tongue sliding against mine. I felt dizzy and giddy.

Trowa's hands rested softly on my chest. He could feel my erratic heartbeat. He knew what kind of an effect he had on me. I was glad. He pushed me gently, forcing me to lie back against the cushions. My arms instinctively wound around his back.

He broke the kiss. "Should we continue?" he asked huskily, his green eyes staring deeply into mine. His hands drifted downward, playing with the hem of my t-shirt.

I nodded, afraid that my voice would fail me if I tried to speak. I let Trowa pull my shirt off, then busied myself unbuttoning his. I tried to ignore the delicious sensation of his fingers and lips on my flesh. Once I'd pushed his shirt off, I pulled him down against me. His skin was hot next to mine, yet it sent shivers through my entire body.

I buried my face in his shoulder, gently kissing the base of his neck. I'd never felt this close to anyone before—as though it were right for me to be there, in Trowa's arms. My lips found his again, and my mind reeled with all the new sensations. He pulled away slightly; our foreheads touched and our eyes bore into each other's. I blushed, averting my eyes from his stare. It was one thing to kiss, another to share such an intimate gaze. . . a gaze reserved for lovers.

But wasn't that what we were now? What I'd always wanted?

"I've wanted to be with you like this for so long," Trowa whispered. "I was sure you'd fallen in love with someone else."

"Duo fell in love with Heero and his life was hell for years." I took a deep breath and blinked hard. "I don't want that to happen to me. Ever. I've never loved anyone—I can't handle it. But you, here—this is different." I turned away, not wanting to see my face in Trowa's eyes. "I fought this, these feelings, because they're too intense," I confessed quietly. "They're stronger than any physical feeling I've ever had. But I can't end up like Duo. I can't fall—"

Trowa's lips met mine in a slow, deep kiss. I could tell what he was trying to say. He wanted it to be okay. I felt his hands on my waist, tugging at my shorts. A shiver of fear shot through me, and I pushed his fingers away and broke the kiss.

He sat up, his green eyes troubled.

I stood and began pacing the floor. This couldn't be happening. Why was I so attracted to Trowa? I wasn't gay—I'd never been homosexual. Certainly if I was I would've been attracted to Duo, right? He attracted men as easily as anyone I knew. But then again, so did Relena, and I wasn't particularly attracted to her, either. Could it be Trowa alone I cared for? So maybe that made me gay. Maybe that was why I never had any serious relationships with the girls I'd dated. But maybe it wasn't just Trowa, either. Perhaps I just wanted him because he was a guy—not because of him particularly. My mind was reeling. "This can't be happening," I whispered.

I turned to Trowa. He had an unfamiliar expression on his face. His eyes were soft as he watched me. I'd hurt him.

"Quatre," he began, his voice tender. "I love you. I've cared about you since we met. I didn't know exactly how much until months later, during the battle when you tried to self-detonate Sandrock. It killed me when you told us what you were about to do. Until then I'd worked so hard to keep from feeling anything—it took me by surprise that you meant so much to me."

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, shocked that he was still so open to me after I'd jumped away.

"You would've rejected me. And I didn't want to let my feelings get any more involved—I didn't want to screw up our mission because of love. By the time the war was over, we were set in a comfortable pattern that was hard to break." He shrugged bitterly and looked away.

I pulled him up to his feet in front of me. "I was drawn to you. But I felt so guilty about what I did with the Zero System that I was afraid to say anything. I was so afraid that my feelings were all about remorse, not—not anything else." I was still scared, but of something totally different now. Was Duo right all along? Could the right man really change me? I looked up at him, trying not to blush. "I was confused . . ."

"I'm still confused," Trowa confessed, untying my hair. "But I know how I feel right now. About you." He ran his fingers through it and I relished the sensation. I could understand why Duo and WuFei had refused to cut theirs for so long. He massaged my neck slightly and lowered his mouth to mine. Suddenly I didn't care that Trowa was a man and that I hadn't spoken to him in four years. In all my experience, I'd never been seduced, and I was surprised that I enjoyed it so thoroughly.

I moved my lips, kissing a path down his neck and over his chest. His muscles flexed and tightened under my fingertips. I continued kissing downward, sinking to my knees in front of him. I slowly and gently kissed the sensitive exposed skin under his navel. Trowa's hands were gripped tightly on my shoulders as I unsteadily unbuttoned his jeans.

I hesitated, suddenly realizing what I'd been about to do. Was I ready for such a giant step? I looked up at Trowa. His hungry eyes burned into me. The lustful expression turned me on, but a more rational part of my mind urged me to reconsider.

Six years! A frantic voice cried out in my mind. You've loved him for six years. The realization excited me.

But you kissed him for the first time tonight, the reasonable voice reminded me.

You've moved a lot faster with women.

My eyes met Trowa's once again. If I didn't continue, wouldn't it ruin everything? I loved having him so close, but. . .

"We don't have to do this," he said gently. "I'm nervous, too."

I was relieved that he understood me. "Y-you're—?"

He nodded, half-smiling. "I'm terrified that we'll move too fast and ruin whatever it is we've got." He leaned over and kissed my forehead. Even his chaste kisses enflamed me.

I stood, taking his hand in mine. "Let's do this right then." I led him out of the living room, my mind made up. Maybe this would be a total disaster, but I had to see what was meant to be between us.

The bedroom was noticeably cooler, but it felt good against my hot skin. I turned toward Trowa; I could make out his eager smile in the darkness. He put his hand on my chest, making me tremble. In a moment, I was kissing him fiercely and pushing him onto the bed.

We kissed slowly and passionately, removing the rest of our clothes and exploring each other with our hands. I had never been so excited in my life—Trowa brought out feelings I hadn't known I could experience. He was a gentle lover, but it was more than that. He had a way of touching me emotionally—more than anyone ever had, and he left me feeling satisfied in more than just a physical sense. Being with Trowa was the most fulfilling thing I'd ever been a part of.

Afterwards, when he was half-asleep in my arms, I thought about what happened. I wondered again if I felt this way because of Trowa, or because I was somehow attracted to other men as well. "Why were you afraid to tell me?" I whispered, wondering if his reasons were the same as mine.

He twisted around, looking at me seriously. "I thought you'd reject me. I mean, you were always seeing . . ." His voice trailed off, his eyes focusing on the ceiling.

He had a point. I had always been dating some woman or other. Of course he'd assume I wouldn't be interested in. . . anything with him. "Yeah. I guess that's who I thought I was." I guess I was wrong; I was far more myself right then, with Trowa.

He turned away again and I nuzzled against him. My fingers traced over the faint scars on his back. It hurt me just to look at them. "Trowa?"

"Mmm?"

"Have you ever been with a man before?" I gently kissed the criss-crossing scars.

"Yes." His voice was low, unsteady. "Have you?"

"No," I answered with a small smile. I was glad to admit it. "Only women."

I felt Trowa's body tense up in my arms. "Women? You mean, you and Duo have never been together?"

"What?" I was stunned—Duo? I had never considered sleeping with Duo, despite all of his lewd suggestions. Up until tonight I had never considered sleeping with any man. "How did you get that impression?"

"It always looked like you two were a together—from the first time I met Duo. And you've always been so close, you acted like a couple." Trowa's voice rose slightly. "Hell, last Friday you two looked like you were—and he stayed over."

It made sense, sort of. I could see how someone could misinterpret the friendship Duo and I had; especially since he'd been hitting on me again. Damn! "Trowa, Duo is my best friend, nothing more."

"Then why was he so close, and talking about settling down?" Trowa's voice was weak, confused.

"Had we stayed any longer you would've seen him hit on WuFei, too. And then he'd probably go after you or Heero. That's how he is when he's drunk and upset. He does it all the time, and I'm usually the first one he approaches, but it doesn't mean anything to him. He's still in love with Heero." My voice climbed half an octave as I got more upset. I hated that, but couldn't control it.

"But," Trowa was starting to sound desperate. "But this pillow, it smells just like his shampoo. He slept here with you." He punched the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut.

I had a hard time keeping my voice stable. He thought I'd slept with Duo just last night and crawled into bed with him today? "I slept on the couch."

Trowa rolled over, facing me. His eyes were confused and sad. "I thought you never began anything with me because you had a relationship with Duo."

"No," I whispered, shocked and horrified and a little bewildered. "I was afraid of being in love—especially of being in love with a guy."

Trowa propped himself up on one elbow, smiling weakly. "So I'm the exception?" he joked lightly, leaning down to kiss me. His free hand lightly caressed my face. He was trying to make me feel better, but I felt frozen. I couldn't say what he wanted to hear right then.

He broke the kiss and gazed at me. The question nagged at my mind, driving me crazy. "Who were you with?"

Trowa fell back onto the bed, is eyes clenched shut. "You don't want to know."

He didn't have to tell me. Somehow I knew who it was—right under everyone's noses all this time. Who else could it be? His eyes met mine and I tried not to look hurt. "Just tell me," I demanded brokenly.

"Heero." His voice was a hoarse whisper.

I gulped. Why did I make him say it? "Does Relena know?"

He nodded. I felt my chest constrict suddenly. I didn't want to be jealous. It wasn't fair to be jealous.

"It was supposed to be a one-time thing," he insisted. "It was an accident."

So this "accident" had happened numerous times, even though Trowa was in love with me? I breathed deeply, trying to get rid of the angry pain in my chest. Think analytically, I told myself as I stared at the ceiling. There was no reason to be upset with Trowa for something he did before. It was a past that I hadn't really been a part of. Why should I be upset? But why Heero instead of me?

"Heero was lonely. . . and I-I was, too," Trowa whispered hesitantly. "I wanted to be with you; he wanted to be with Duo."

"Duo?" I interrupted, incredulous. I couldn't believe this.

Trowa nodded silently.

"Does Duo know about this?" I asked.

"No," Trowa said quietly. "Heero and I agreed to not tell either of you about it. We thought it would all be better if you didn't know. But I can't lie to you like that."

I could tell that Trowa wasn't happy about his past, but it didn't keep me from feeling angry or betrayed—for me, for Relena, for Duo.

Trowa's eyes were fixed on the ceiling. "I ruined Duo's chances with Heero." His voice was faint.

My chest burned with anger. I could feel the blood rushing to my head, my face flushing from the heat. I didn't try to mask it. "How?"

"I was with Heero from the time of the Siberia battle until the war ended, until Relena won him over."

That whole time? Over a year? Sure, we weren't together or anything—and I certainly hadn't been celibate, but my feelings for Trowa had kept me from having any serious relationships. And I certainly hadn't had a year-long fling at my friend's expense, either. No matter how I tried to fight it, I was hurt. Trowa had betrayed us all. "I thought you were in love with me," I whispered, turning my back toward him. "I thought you were Duo's friend."

Trowa spoke sternly. "Listen, Qua—"

"No!" My anger took over. "Damn it, you listen to me!" I sat up and stared down at him. "I've been consoling Duo for the past six years because Heero didn't love him. I was the one convincing him that the only reason Heero didn't feel the same was because he preferred women. I didn't know that all that time he was sleeping with you! You'd better damn well explain to him that you're the reason he never got a chance!" I took a deep breath. I felt drained. "Duo deserves to know the truth about this."

Trowa was silent. I'd never yelled at him before. Not like this. After a long time I heard his whispered voice. "I can't do that. That's Heero's choice."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to deal with this. I was too angry to think coherently. I knew that I couldn't keep this secret from Duo, but I couldn't tell him either. How could I be with Trowa and still be friends with Duo? How could I not be with Trowa? I'd be betraying one of them, no matter what I said or didn't say. I'd be betraying myself.

I felt Trowa's hand on my arm. His touch was gentle and it made my heart ache.

"I can't do this," I said softly. My eyes started to water. I didn't want to cry. "I can't keep loving you if you keep this from him." I buried my head into my pillow, for the first time noticing the light smell of Duo's hair. It hurt that much more, and I wondered if this is what happens when you fall in love. And even worse, would I have been better off if I'd never given in to my love for Trowa?

When the alarm clock buzzed the next morning, I woke to find the other side of the bed empty. His clothes were gone. I wasn't surprised. I performed my morning routine like a zombie. I felt like an empty shell. But every so often I remembered the argument from the night before, but with an air of detachment. Would I hear from Trowa soon? I asked myself. No. Of course not. Why would he want to see me again? Why would I want to see him?

You can't fight what's meant to be. Duo's words were a double-edged sword. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to be—with all of our lives tied together in a sick, twisted fashion that brought everyone pain.

On my way to the door, I noticed my red, crumpled t-shirt pressed between the cushions of the couch. I paused, then grabbed it with shaking hands and threw it into the bathroom hamper.

At work I couldn't concentrate. I sat through meetings, delivered speeches, signed documents—but my mind was elsewhere. Halfway through the afternoon Lt. Noin came to my office with a stack of papers.

"Quatre, are you okay?" she asked as she handed me the files. Her face and voice displayed sincere concern.

"Yes, I'm fine," I answered, offering a fake smile. I didn't like lying to her, but I didn't want to explain, either. It was too sordid and painful.

"Those are the files on the newest group of temporary government employees arriving from the colonies," she explained. "They need to be cleared by both the Defense Department and Security. Heero's already checked them out; do you want me to do the rest?"

I flipped the first folder open. It had a full resume, with a photo and background check. Trowa Barton. Former Gundam pilot. I flipped through the papers, noting the meticulousness of Heero's background check. Of course, I bitterly reminded myself, Heero would know more about Trowa's background than anyone else.

"No, I can take care of these. Heero's pretty accurate, so I doubt it'll be any trouble." I stared at the papers for a moment, then closed the folder.

Noin peered at me closely. "I know something's bothering you, Quatre."

"Nyah," I said as I tossed the folder onto the stack. "I'll be all right."

She nodded and left quickly. After a few minutes my secretary entered the office.

"Mr. Winner, are you feeling ill?" She asked hesitantly.

I glanced up. "Lt. Noin sent you in?"

She nodded slightly. "You look tired. If you like I can cancel tomorrow's appointments for you."

I considered it. Maybe I needed a day to think. "Yes," I told her finally. "Please do that. I won't be coming into the office tomorrow either. I'll work on these files at home."

I could spend the evening drinking, if it would help get my mind off of Trowa. There was really nothing like the mind-numbing effect of alcohol to make a guy feel better. I needed to make the ache in my chest go away. I was reaching for the phone to call WuFei when I heard someone clearing her throat. I glanced up. Relena? When did she come in?

Her expression was serious. "I heard that you had a pretty tough weekend, with Duo drunk and all." She was an excellent politician, but I could see through her casual demeanor. She knew at least something about Trowa. He must've spoken to Heero.

I shrugged, trying to look casual. "It had its ups and downs. By the way, congratulations again on your engagement."

'Thank you, Quatre." She sat down in one of the chairs across from me.

I raised an eyebrow. "This isn't a social visit?"

Relena smiled, and for a brief moment I was envious of Heero. She was lovely, and it would be so much easier just to love a woman. "Actually, I do have something in mind. Heero and I would like you to be our dinner guest this evening."

"Social or political dinner?"

"Social," she answered. "At my house. Formal."

"Tuxedos or uniforms?" I'd rather get smashed with WuFei and Duo.

"Tuxedos. Be there at eight, all right?" She stood up and headed toward the door.

It was impossible to say no to her. I didn't have the energy to fight. "All right. I'll see you at eight, then." I picked up the stack of folders and my jacket and left the office quickly.