What's Meant to Be

by Quatre-sama

the pilots are forced to deal with new affections and past loves when they reunite six years after the war... shounen ai/yaoi warning

3. Part Three

What's Meant to Be

I entered the foyer of the Peacecraft Mansion hesitantly. I didn't want to be there, but after a few calls I discovered that Duo and WuFei would be attending also. Of course, that meant Trowa had been invited, too. My stomach hurt. Maybe I could talk my friends into slipping out early for some late-night refreshment.

Heero greeted me as soon as I entered the drawing room. Numerous people were milling about, drinking cognac and conversing lightly. "Relena's glad you could come," he said curtly. I wondered if he was as uncomfortable as I was. He hated social functions as much as Relena loved them, but she had him pretty much tamed by now.

I noticed WuFei and Duo in one corner of the room, laughing with Trowa. Duo gesticulated wildly, trying to get my attention, but I ignored him. Instead I crossed the room to join Relena and her circle of friends. I stalled for a couple of minutes with her, but when I turned back to the others, Trowa was still there. I sighed. I'd have to face him someday; I might as well get it over with.

I greeted them curtly and tried to avoid Duo's bright grin. He was examining me carefully, slowly looking me over from head to toe.

He laughed suddenly. "Quatre obviously had some fun last night!"

"What do you mean?" Trowa's voice was as quiet as always. His poker face irritated me.

WuFei rolled his eyes. "Duo seems to think he has some sixth sense. He says he can tell whenever Quatre's had sex. I think he's guessing—although with Quatre the odds are really in his favor." He nudged me, hard.

I blushed slightly as I watched WuFei smirk. This was not the conversation I'd planned on having with Trowa present.

"You did, didn't you?" Duo said ecstatically. "You were with a woman last night! Who was she? Someone new? Let me guess—tall, beautiful, quiet? You always go for the same type."

"No," I snapped at Duo suddenly, my patience worn thin. "I was at home all night—and I didn't have any girls over." I really didn't like them discussing my love life with Trowa around. It bothered me that it might hurt him. I shifted my gaze to him. He had a blank expression; he looked casual. I looked at Duo again, still furious.

"Ah, maybe that's the problem," Duo whispered loudly to WuFei, his eyes never leaving mine. He took a few steps closer to me, taking my hand. "I think what you need, Quatre, is a nice, strong man. And I think you know it. Come on—you know you want me. You just need to relax and accept it." He yanked me closer, making a quick pucker with his lips.

I pulled away quickly, noting that Duo was the only one laughing. I didn't know whether to come up with a snide remark or hit him. Luckily I was saved from either by Relena's announcement that dinner was about to be served. Thank goodness for protocol.

Everyone took their seats in the dining room. WuFei and I sat at the opposite ends of the table from Heero and the others. I wasn't in the mood for idle chatter, and WuFei never was.

"Just ignore him," WuFei said, his eyes on Duo. "He's still upset about Heero."

I followed his eyes, realizing that Duo had managed to place himself next to Heero. I wondered how he could do that—how he could sit there, wanting to be close even though it only brought frustration.

"That idiot," WuFei mumbled. "You'd think he'd learn. Yuy can only hurt him now."

I nodded. "He should break away while he can." Was that what I was trying to do?

He scoffed. "He could have any girl here, if he was interested, and he could probably have half of the guys. Instead he chases the one impossible person." WuFei looked irritated.

I glanced sharply at him, wondering momentarily if his comment was generated by jealousy. But WuFei didn't like men; he wasn't gay. Neither are you, I told myself, but it didn't keep you from sleeping with Trowa.

We hardly spoke any more during dinner, though Relena tried to draw us into the conversation. During one such moment my eyes met Trowa's, and I was surrounded by his emerald green gaze. I shook my head slightly, trying to snap myself out of it. He looked away, a small frown on his face. I was satisfied. Let him frown. My pleasure didn't last long.

After dinner, Relena suggested drinks outside and led us out to the impressive gardens. I took a glass of champagne and drifted away from the crowd of people. I sat on a bench near the veranda, where a string ensemble was playing my favorite piece, Bach's first "Brandenburg Concerto." I closed my eyes, listening to the precise balance and symmetry of the music. It was so organized, so . . . controlled. Just like me. Maybe I needed to lose control of myself more often. Was that what had happened the previous night? It had somehow been the best night of my life. And the worst.

I opened my eyes to find Heero standing in front of me. He sat down wordlessly, pulling at his collar. He looked uncomfortable.

"I talked to Trowa this morning." He had never been admired for his subtlety.

"Oh?" I tried to sound uninterested.

"I don't know what you did to him, but I haven't seen a guy that fucked up for a long time." He paused. "He loves you. He may not be able to say it, but I know he does."

I could feel my whole body become tense. Why the hell did Heero get involved? I wanted to hit him; I wanted to run away. I wanted to ask him why he'd slept with Trowa if he loved Duo. Instead I masked my anger. "Trowa knows how I feel. And I doubt that's something that can change."

Heero glared at me, obviously displeased with my aloof response. "Can't you two just fight it out like normal guys?"

My temper flared. "No! We can't be like normal guys because of our abnormal past—which you're a part of!"

Heero stood and clenched his fists angrily. "So that's what this is about? Well, it's the past, Quatre. Get over it."

"No, Heero," I challenged, my voice cold. "It's just your past. It's Trowa's present, and mine, too. You may have been able to let go of it and move on, but your actions back then are still affecting us!" I quickly stood up and left him, ignoring his curses.

I kept walking deeper into the gardens until I found a Spanish-style haven. I could barely hear the music and the laughter from the house. Instead, I heard the splashing of the fountain in the middle of the walled-in garden. It reminded me of my father's estate on the colony, and how I spent every morning in the Moorish gardens. I stood there for a while, watching the water trickle down into the basin. I was unaware of the passing of time until Duo stood at my side.

"You've been gone for an hour," he said softly, interrupting my memories. "Trowa's leaving, if that's what you're worried about."

I glanced at him briefly. "Why do you think that's bothering me?"

"I've always been able to read you like a book," Duo explained with a smile.

I wasn't sure if that made me feel good or not. "Really?"

"No," Duo laughed. "When he said goodbye, he said he didn't want to disturb you anymore. I asked him if you'd had an argument."

"And what did he say?" I asked.

"That he'd tell me about it tomorrow. We're going to meet for lunch; he said it was important." He shrugged casually. "Was it a bad fight?"

I nodded. "But I don't want to talk about it." If my suspicions were correct, Duo would know about it soon enough anyway. I hoped so. I wanted to end this.

Duo stretched his arms above his head and yawned. "Things have been changing too much lately," he said lazily. He dropped his arms and looked at me. "Oh yeah, WuFei and I were hoping you were still up for a couple of drinks tonight. We wanted to ditch this place as soon as possible."

"Definitely," I agreed. It was the best thing I'd heard all day. We headed back toward the house. Duo flopped his arm nonchalantly over my shoulder as he prattled endlessly.

The next morning I was thankful that I'd already called off work. I woke up hung over. WuFei and Duo's idea of a couple of drinks was to go barhopping until three. I had made good on my plans to get trashed—too bad I didn't feel any better. Despite my long, hot shower and half a bottle of aspirin, I still felt wretched in the early afternoon. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I heard someone pounding on my door. Duo must be back from his meeting with Trowa.

I headed over quickly, knowing that he was going to be furious, and that he wouldn't hesitate to break the door down. But I was surprised to see both Duo and Trowa. My heart beat erratically upon seeing the latter. Duo looked predictably enraged, and stormed in before I could speak. He went straight for the kitchen, slamming cupboards and rifling through the refrigerator. "Damn it, Quatre," he swore. "Don't you have anything to eat?"

I pulled Trowa in and closed the door, holding my hand against my aching head. "Could you stop slamming things?" I asked. I didn't want this. Not now. I could hardly think, and now I had to deal with Duo's anger? Even more difficult, I had to deal with Trowa's tormented gaze. I was still upset with him—and in no mood to make up.

Duo returned to the foyer empty-handed and went straight to the living room, plopping down on the couch and crossing his arms. Trowa followed suit, sitting next to Duo. I pulled a chair close to the couch, opposite the other two. Mediator was a job that came naturally to me.

"How much did he tell you?" I asked Duo.

He glared at Trowa. "Enough," he snapped.

"I didn't get a chance to tell him much," Trowa explained softly. "As soon as I started he jumped up and left the restaurant, demanding to talk to you." His calm unnerved me.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked Duo with an even voice.

His violet-blue eyes were wide with rage. "You wanna know how much I've been told? I know about Heero—that even though I loved Heero and Heero loved me, Trowa was the one banging him! Shit!" I thought he would cry if he weren't so angry.

Duo dropped his head into his hands.

I was lost. What could I say to him—that I'd known but couldn't tell him because I was in love with Trowa? There wasn't any way to make this easier. "Should I call Heero?"

Trowa shook his head. "No. Heero didn't want him to know in the first place."

Duo lifted his head. His eyes were wet with unshed tears and his voice was cold. "I want to know why the hell I wasn't with Heero if he loved me."

I sighed. This was not helping me get rid of my headache. "Trowa, tell it from the beginning," I ordered.

Trowa licked his lips and began unsteadily. "I suppose it began after Siberia. I took Heero back to the circus with me, so Catherine could help me nurse him to health. And during that month I really got to know him well. We confided in each other. He told me all about you, Duo—how much he liked you. And I explained my feelings for Quatre. We were lonely.

"I don't understand how it happened, really." Trowa looked away from Duo, his face full of shame. "It did, though, and we swore it would never happen again. Later, when we all met up again, Heero was planning to confess to you. He wanted to tell you everything in the hopes you'd feel the same. But we saw how incredibly close you two seemed. The way you fought together in battle, even. It looked like you really cared about each other or something. We thought you two were a couple. Maybe we just did it to justify our attraction—I don't know." Trowa turned back toward Duo, waiting for a response.

Duo's jaw was set, his face stubborn. "Why didn't you say anything when I told you how I felt about Heero, then?"

"If I had told Heero that you cared about him, he would've left me," he answered softly, looking down at his hands. "And if I had told you about Heero and me, I thought you would deepen your relationship with Quatre—that I would lose any chance I might still have with him. I was afraid of losing either of them. I wanted them both."

"Left you? How many times did you do it? Once? Twice? More?" Duo's eyes were wild with this new realization.

"A year." Trowa's voice was a whisper. "We were lovers for a year."

The sick sensation in my stomach didn't dissipate until I saw that Trowa was on the verge of tears. It made me feel horribly guilty, and I knew I hadn't even done anything, really. How could I be so angry with Trowa, when everything he was doing, every word he confessed, was so that I could love him? I realized that they were the two most important people to me, and if they didn't reconcile, I wouldn't know what to do.

Duo's hands were clenched in fists of rage. "You bastard! You're telling me that I lost my chance with Heero because you were being so damned selfish?"

Trowa said nothing; he only nodded his head after a moment of hesitation. His eyes dropped to the floor.

"Why didn't Heero want me to know?" Duo demanded. "When did he decide that?"

Trowa met Duo's glare. "It was last weekend. Heero didn't even know that you were in love with him until Friday. But he saw you hanging all over Quatre and thought that maybe you would be happier if you never found out."

Duo was silent and his hands were shaking. He was staring at me, questioningly. I didn't know what he wanted to hear, what he needed to know.

"Duo, " I began, "Heero's right, in a way. Knowing this now can't change anything."

"Yes," Trowa agreed. "Heero would've left you for Relena. He loves her. So maybe it's better that I was the one who got tossed aside rather than you." I realized as soon as Trowa was finished what a mistake he'd made.

Duo whirled on Trowa, his eyes wide and angry. "Fuck you! What gives you the right to say that? Maybe you didn't hold on to him as tight as I would've! Maybe you didn't love him enough! I could've kept him!" He stopped abruptly and stood up. He paced back and forth, and I wondered what he was thinking. "Damn it, Trowa, maybe he didn't love you enough."

Trowa also stood. His whole body shook. He moved over to the window are stared out for a moment. "I'm sorry," he whispered. I could barely hear him.

Duo stopped pacing, his fists clenched at his sides. "Go to hell, Trowa." His voice was icy.

Trowa turned around with a nervous expression. I was scared for him. My body tensed.

Duo took a step closer and grabbed Trowa by the collar. "You've fucked up everything I've ever cared about. You screwed Quatre over, you screwed Heero, you screwed with me." He pulled him closer, their faces almost touching. "Don't fuck with WuFei."

Trowa's eyes widened with surprise and fear; he swallowed visibly and nodded. His breaths were quick and obvious. It was so unlike Trowa; he was scared of Duo, and I couldn't blame him. I jumped up, prepared to pull Duo off of him if I had to.

Before I could move in their direction, Duo let go of his shirt and shoved him away wordlessly, ignoring Trowa's stumble as he struggled to keep on his feet. He walked calmly out to the foyer, turning to glance at me before he opened the door. "Sorry, Quatre."

I rubbed my eyes slowly as the door slammed shut. Trowa's breathing was inaudible now. I wondered if it had been right for me to make Trowa do this. Was Heero right—would Duo have been better off without knowing? Would I? I berated myself for asking Trowa about it in the first place.

"I should go," Trowa's voice was smooth once more, masking any emotions. I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. I realized with a start that I didn't want him to go. Not yet.

"No. I owe you an apology." I walked over to him while I searched for the right words. I could feel his eyes on me, and it gave me that familiar trembling sensation in my stomach. I tried to ignore it. "It's wrong for me to be angry about your past; it's also wrong for me to be jealous of Heero. I should've told you how I felt a long time ago, so all of this could've been prevented. But most of all," I paused to look up at him, "it was wrong for me to give you an ultimatum like that." It wasn't even half of what I wanted to say to him, but I knew he would understand.

"No," Trowa said, looking out the window again. "Duo was right. I was being selfish. I know I can't magically take it all back by saying I'm sorry, but at least it's out in the open now. The three of us can learn to deal with it."

"Duo will want to talk to Heero, you know," I pointed out. "He's never been able to keep stuff inside."

"I know," Trowa said, giving a half-smile. "Heero's going to kill me."

"You can blame me," I suggest, trying to smile brightly, but failing miserably. "Heero can't kill you if you told him that I made you do it."

Trowa looked at me and shrugged one shoulder, losing his smile. "But can you forgive me?" He didn't even sound hopeful.

I didn't know what to answer. I wondered if it was really within my place to be angry for Duo. Shouldn't my love for Trowa be stronger than anything? Wasn't that what being in love was about? After denying my feelings for so many years, I couldn't bottle them up again—even for Duo. I looked at him for a long time—he never looked away. The anger was gone, but the pain still throbbed.

"I love you, Trowa," I said finally. "But I don't know if I can handle this." I walked over to him, letting my forehead droop onto his chest. I was exhausted with everything.

He pulled me into a tight embrace, his arms wrapping around my shoulders. I could feel his chest shaking beneath me; I looked up to see tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry I hurt you," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

His tears hurt more than anything else. I reached up and wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. "Shh," I whispered before pulling his face toward mine for a long, sweet kiss. For an instant I accepted all the pain and the arguments; love like this was worth it.

He pulled away and wiped his eyes, an embarrassed look on his face. "Should we call Heero and tell him before Duo does?"

I remembered my last conversation with Heero and shook my head. I didn't want to talk to him, and I sort of felt that Duo would make more of an impact if he came unannounced. "No, Duo probably won't want to talk to Heero until tomorrow. He went to WuFei's. He always talks to WuFei when he's angry." A thought came to my mind, and I tried not to smile. "You might want to stay on guard, too."

'Why?"

"I suspect that WuFei might be awfully protective of Duo right now."

We stood silently for a while, wrapped in each other's arms. He was warm. Safe. I felt like I could stay that way forever, and the feeling didn't scare me. After what seemed like forever Trowa spoke again.

"I want to be there when Duo confronts Heero," he said quietly. "And I want you to be there, too, since your name will certainly come up." He shook his head slightly. "I just want this whole thing over with."

I nodded my agreement. I hoped that someday we could just let it go. Duo could get over Heero and possibly find a fulfilling relationship with WuFei; Heero could marry Relena with Duo's honest blessing; and Trowa—well, I'd be thrilled if Trowa stayed on earth—with me—a lot longer.

He must have noticed the direction of my thoughts, because he trailed his hands down my back to my hips. Clutching the fabric of my pajamas in his fists, he pressed his mouth onto mine, this time a lot more passionately and aggressively. It was almost violent; it left me breathless and wanting more. A lot more.

"I should get back to work," he whispered huskily in my ear. "I told them I'd be back within two hours."

I wrapped my arms around his neck, gazing up at him. "That's mean! You could take the rest of the day off," I suggested playfully, running my fingers through Trowa's soft bangs. I felt a twinge of shame for trying to get a physical reaction out of Trowa when we hadn't even settled things emotionally. It was a base reaction, but I just wanted to touch him when he was around.

He shook his head. "As much as I'd love that—as much as I really want that, I can't. I took yesterday morning off to talk to Heero, and it's only my second week on a temporary job."

"Oh," I tried not to sound too disappointed.

"Why don't you call Duo and see how he's doing? I'm guessing he'll talk to you if I'm not around," Trowa said softly as he pulled away. He gave me a critical look. "And shouldn't you get dressed? It's almost four."

I laughed self-consciously and glanced down at my white t-shirt and red plaid pajama bottoms. Trowa reached over and ruffled my hair, smiling. "Nyah, you look cute," he said.

"Just get out of here," I said with an embarrassed smile as I pushed him toward the door.

He opened the door and paused, looking at me over his shoulder. "I'll call you tonight, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed. "Oh! Trowa—how did you guys know I'd be here?"

He laughed. It was strange to hear it coming from him. "Duo said that you put away so much tequila last night that there was no way you could've gone in today." He smiled again and walked out toward the elevator.

I watched him for a moment, and then closed the door. How could the whole world change within two days? I headed back to the living room and sat in front of the phone. I was positive Duo had gone to see WuFei, and that he was probably as hung over as me. So I dialed WuFei's number. After several rings, his face appeared on my screen.

"Hey, Quatre," he answered, his face tense. He looked like hell—definitely hung over.

"Is Duo around?" I asked.

"Yeah. Let me see if he wants to talk to you. He might not." I was put on hold, wondering if Duo was going to talk to me. I was sure that he was still angry with Trowa, and that probably transferred to me as well; I just hoped he realized that I was trying to make things right for him. I was nervous about talking to him, but I'd learned from experience that it was better to confront Duo Maxwell head on than to hide and wait for him to say something.

Duo appeared on the screen with a fake smile. "Hi, Quatre," he greeted.

"Are you okay?"

Duo's grin faded. "I've been better."

"I'm glad you went to WuFei's," I admitted. I didn't want to think of all the self-destructive things Duo was capable of, or the things he could've done to hurt Trowa. And I certainly didn't want him to confront Heero in his anger. He was irrational when he was furious.

"Yeah," Duo said sheepishly. "He's calmed me down a bit. I suppose Trowa's still there?" A tinge of bitterness crept into his voice.

"No, he had to go back to work."

There was a brief pause. Duo's voice was soft when he spoke up. "Are you in love with him again?"

I couldn't lie to him. "I think somewhere deep down I never stopped," I confessed with a sigh. It felt good to admit it.

"Are you mad that he never told you how he felt?"

"Well, I'm okay with it now, pretty much." I gave a strained laugh. "I would've been afraid to have a relationship with him, anyway. You know me, always chasing the girls." I wasn't lying to Duo, exactly, but it felt like I was.

Duo's face broke into a genuine smile. "Don't be homophobic; you don't realize what you've been missing!" He paused, glancing away from the monitor. "But seriously, Quatre—I don't mind if you two hook up. I just wish it could've happened a hell of a lot sooner."

"Me too. Are you glad Trowa told you?" I needed to know if I had done the right thing in making him confess.

"Glad isn't exactly the word I would've chosen," Duo said with a grimace. "But it all makes a lot more sense now, and I'm thankful that I'm no longer in the dark." He laughed bitterly. "Can't wait 'til I get my hands on Heero, though."

I nodded slowly, agreeing with him. His words matched my sentiments fairly well. "Can you forgive Trowa?" I asked timidly.

"Someday I will," Duo answered with a slight frown. "Not for a while, though. It pisses me off—but I think I'm madder at Heero. I at least tried to tell him how I felt. He never said anything, and even tried to keep me from getting close."

I sighed. Knowing Duo, he'd already decided to tell Heero exactly what was on his mind. "Trowa wants to be there if you confront Heero, and so do I, since it's my fault the whole thing came out anyway."

"Really?" Duo looked mildly surprised. "I thought maybe that it was your doing. I suppose you thought it was unjust on my behalf?"

I laughed. "You sound like WuFei."

"That's what I get for hanging out with the justice avenger for three days straight," he said with a smirk. "He thinks the whole thing's an unjust debacle. I think he's planning to kill both of them if he sees them any time soon."

I raised my eyebrows. "It must be nice to have a friend that's so loyal." He knew me well enough to pick up the implications.

Duo snorted. "He'd do the same for you." He looked away; I assumed he was watching WuFei. "Anyway," he began, obviously trying to change the subject, "is Trowa so great in bed that he's worth all this trouble?"

I glared at him and he laughed, holding up both his hands defensively. "I know, I know, you only sleep with women! I just thought I'd plant a suggestion in your head."

As if I need any help, I thought with mortification, remembering Trowa's last searing kiss. I decided to turn the tables on Duo. "And is WuFei so good in bed that you've been able to put up with his justice bit for three days in a row?"

"Shh," Duo whispered, his eyes wide. "You'll scare him!"

"So you two aren't together yet? Haven't you convinced him that it's unhealthy to be straight?" I asked.

"Not quite." A small smile tugged at Duo's lips. "It's not really a good time for romance, but we're both patient."

I grinned. They were the two most impatient people I'd ever met. But I was glad they weren't rushing into anything; WuFei could easily be crushed if Duo was only using him as a rebound.

"Quatre?" Duo asked timidly, interrupting my thoughts. "We're going to talk tomorrow night, Heero and I. Can you guys be there?"

I nodded. "Where?"

"Heero's place, around seven."

"Will Relena be there?" I had a feeling that she didn't know about Heero's past feelings for Duo, no matter how much she knew about Trowa.

"I don't think so," Duo said with a frown. "I certainly hope not."

"Well, I'll definitely be there, and I'll give Trowa a call tonight," I affirmed. We said goodbye and hung up. After staring at the phone for a moment, I went to get dressed and take more aspirin. Finally I sat down in front of the computer and caught up on my missed work.