Evil Toast
by silverweed (aka cantalyne AKA ahleen): jelliclekashmir@hotmail.com
May I quote the petunias? Oh no, not again! ^_- Yes, a sequel to Gene Makes Toast! Read that first, then read this! I would like to thank all you wonderful people who reviewed GMT, and this is how... never gonna review for me again, are ya? hee... Well, I have a sequel idea (oh no, not again!) so if you want it, let me know. Okay, I -think- the guy's name is Hazanko, but I'm not sure... anyway, in the immortal words of Adam Carolla, enjoy!
Silverweed: Hey, all you lovable OLS fans out there! (smiles in response to the applause) Welcome to the latest edition of the Toast Masters club meetings! Yes, it's another very special special meeting special, and, hmm... (looks at watch) Yes, I think there's time before we start to perform a ritual that has been demanded by our audience. Guys, bring in the sign, please.
(Jim and Gene, wearing plastic ponchos and goggles, come running in, supporting a gigantic board on their shoulders. It is painted white with the word 'Toonami' printed in red block letters. The audience stares in shocked silence.)
Silverweed: (smiling) Go ahead, folks!
Audience: (roars with joy and begins pelting the sign with every overripe fruit and vegetable known to the planet.)
Gene: I love this show....
Jim: You said it!
Silverweed: (once the board is thoroughly and completely covered) Flip it over!
(Jim and Gene flip the board over, which now reads 'The Big O!')
Audience: (roars louder with more joy and uses the leftover fruit to paste the offending show.)
Silverweed: Okay, that's enough. (waits for Jim and Gene to take the sign out) Back to our regularly unscheduled program. Our guests today are: Ron McDougal, Gwen Kahn, Hot Ice Hilda, and Hazanko! Let's give them a big round of applause!
(The teleporters whir and the aforementioned characters appear about a foot over their chairs and land with a thump. The audience, still elated from their unexpected chance to vent, applaud dutifully.)
Silverweed: Yes, it's the villains' turn to shine! It's Evil Toast!
Hilda: Wait just a minute here. I'm not evil! I'm an outlaw, certainly, but not evil.
Kahn: Yeah, I'm not evil, no, I'm not evil!
Silverweed: (rolls her eyes at Kahn and then shrugs at Hilda) Yeah, I know, but we wanted to get you on the show, and Semi-Evil Toast just doesn't have the same ring to it. Bittersweet Toast - (stops, eyes wide)
Audience: Oooooooh.
Silverweed: (whips out a pad and pencil and writes it down) Right, anyway, this is Evil Toast, please sit down Hilda, and let's go over the rules. Anderson, you did have security check them all over for weaponry, right? Very good. Now, I think we've been over this before, so, Instant Replay! Anderson?
(A huge overhead screen is lowered and a projector starts to roll, showing Silverweed explaining Toast Masters on the previous show.)
Silverweed: For the viewers out there new to the whole concept of Toast Masters, this is how it works: The Topics Master (that's me) creates several random topics about anything: shoes, cats, manners, wars, hair, books, food, the BEEP! -
Audience: (gasps in horror)
Silverweed: - or anything else said Topics Master cares to dream up. The Topics Master then calls on anyone she likes of the assembled group (indicates the OLS crew members) to give a one minute speech on a randomly picked topic, i.e., the BEEP!
Audience: (gasps in horror again)
Silverweed: The speechmaker must fill up one full minute elaborating on the topic they have been given. You are not bound to truth; you can make things up as you go, only parameter being that you must stay on topic. The Grammarian (also me) will count the number of times you use non-words such as 'uh' and 'um,' and the number of times you use a legitimate word incorrectly, such as 'like' or 'and.' Correctly-placed pauses are fine. Said Grammarian with also note strays from the topic and grammatical errors. Your minute will begin when you say the first word of your speech. When you have been speaking for 50 seconds, I will raise one hand. This is your signal to start wrapping it up. When I raise both hands, your time is up, so (glares menacingly) shut up. End of story. (the smile turns on again)
Gene: (sitting in the front row with Jim and Melfina) Something tells me they cut some of that out...
Silverweed: (stares at Gene very hard for a minute, then hands Melfina a paper bag and some Super Glue.)
Melfina: What's this for?
Silverweed: Would you be so kind as to glue Gene's hair back on, please?
Melfina: (shrugs and nods)
Silverweed: Alrighty, the roads must roll! Cue the drums! (a drumroll is heard as she pulls a name randomly out of a hat) Our first up... Gwen Kahn! (mumbles) Blah...
Kahn: Yes, good, good! I thirst for knowledge!
Silverweed: Yeah, whatever. (another drumroll, another hat) Your topic is... ah, how nice. Perfectly suited to you! Anderson, fire up the CD player!
Kahn: What?
Silverweed: Professor Kahn, we are going to play for you a selection from Beethoven's Sixth Symphony, commonly known as the Pastoral. We would like you to elaborate on the bars that you hear.
Kahn: How in the world am I supposed to do that?
Silverweed: Don't ask me. Ready, Anderson?
(The studio is filled with a few energetic bars from the Pastoral, progressing into a more lugubrious and anticipatory section. The music switches off, and the audience applauds for a moment.)
Silverweed: (smiling almost maliciously) Go ahead!
Kahn: (stands speechless for a moment, then regains his usual confidence) Yes, well, Beethoven, at the time of the writing of the Pastoral, er, was not quite, no, not quite deaf yet, so he was able to capture, I believe, the... um, quintessence of... the - stuff that happened in a search. For the Leyline, of course, and then, you see, the music is a journey. The music is a journey representing, no doubt, a quest to find the Leyline. You see, it's building up to that point, where the composer is happy, happy, for he is on his way to the Leyline, and he is almost there when he is attacked, represented, you see, yes, by the sudden change of mood.
Silverweed: (raises one hand)
Kahn: He has found the Leyline, he is almost there, and then - then! - then it is... ripped - away - from him! He almost finds it, and then all that knowledge slips away! He - can't - (breaks down into sobs) The music is so - powerful...
Silverweed: (raises her other hand and then guides Kahn gently back to his seat.) There there. It'll be okay. Mm. Well, to our grammarian. Several nonsensical, fragmentative sentences, redundancy, three different usages of the phrase 'you see,' and 'er' is not a word. Thank you. Next please.
Kahn: (sobs)
Silverweed: Right. Okay. (drumroll, hat, boy is that boring by now) Next up is our very dear non-villainous friend, Hot Ice Hilda!
Hilda: (stands confidently)
Silverweed: Your topic is... (drum, hat, yawn) Marshmellows! Yeah! I like marshmellows. Hilda, please tell us more about this wonderful confection.
Hilda: Er... how about I do Cadbury eggs instead?
Silverweed: (shakes her head) No, I'm sorry, against the rules. Go ahead.
Hilda: Well. Marshmellows - are - squishy. Sometimes they're white. Sometimes pink. Er... (pause) Er, if you put them on top of a graham cracker and add chocolate, you can make some nice s'mores. Oh yeah, near Easter you can get those neat Peeps and Bunnies, the kind that are shaped like animals and come with the colored sugar; purple, yellow, or pink. Pink is a sissy color for an outlaw, but that's what the yellow's for.
Silverweed: (holds up one hand)
Hilda: Those taste really good, but not as good as Cadbury eggs. And the only thing more fun than eating a Cadbury egg is shooting hostile beings.
Silverweed: (holds up her other hand as Hilda returns to her seat) Um, thanks, Hilda. (a pause) Well, you got maybe ever-so-slightly off topic? Two instances of the non-word 'er,' and a bit of a run-on sentence fit in. Otherwise, nice. Next? (drumroll, hat, and the show goes on) Hazanko! Speaking of which, Hazanko, can I ask you a question?
Kahn: (still sobbing)
Hazanko: If you dare.
Silverweed: Well... When you and your Kei Pirate friends go hugala - hagala - hegula - er, that incantation thingee, what exactly does it do?
Hazanko: Sorry, that's classified information.
Silverweed: Okay then. Your topic... (must I? Fine. Drum. Hat.) Why power, as a corruptive force, is a bad thing.
Hazanko: I'm sorry, it's very hard to hear while wearing this big mask/inhalor. What did you say?
Ron: (looks upon him pityingly)
Silverweed: (smiling benevolently) Why is power, as a corruptive force, a bad thing?
Hazanko: One more time please? That's what I thought I heard you say last time.
Silverweed: No, you heard right. Please begin.
Hazanko: (mumbles) Stupid mask... (speaking up) Er, power... is... (very softly) not (then louder) a good thing! No, because it... um, corrupts. Now, personally, I think that's a good... ahem. Sorry. This is a bad thing because... Hold on a minute. (pause) Because people can do bad things when they're corrupted and have lots of power? But I like doing evil... um.
Hilda: (sighs)
Silverweed: (raises one hand, not to mention her eyebrows)
Hazanko: Power as a corruptive force is bad because... because it's bad. It's a very bad thing. Very bad. Very very very very very...
Kahn: (still sobbing)
Silverweed: (raises her other hand)
Hazanko: (sits hurriedly; security comes in and puts duct tape over his mouth) Hmphphgph smphph! Hmphphgph sphph!
Silverweed: Very good. Okay, grammarian: One use of 'er,' two of 'um,' incomplete thoughts, off-topicness, extreme redundancy, and way too many usages of the word 'very.' (shudders) Okay, last up is our very dear friend, Ron McDougal?
Ron: Very dear friend?
Silverweed: (shrugs) The final topic is: What did you want to be when you grew up when you were little?
Ron: (coughs) This is kind of embarrassing...
Silverweed: That's all right. Go on.
Ron: When I was little... (gets a faraway look in his eyes) I wanted to be a cop. I wanted a shiny spaceship with a design of some sort painted on to show everyone I was in the force. I would bag pirates and criminals left and right, and take such incredible care of my assigned area, no evil-doer would dare even come near my section! No one would escape me, and I would be hailed as the greatest cop ever to live and work in space!
Gene: (gives Ron a funny look)
Silverweed: (holds up one hand and hides a smile)
Ron: (shakes himself) But that's all over, you hear me? I'm not a cop, I'm an evil-doer myself! If you laugh, I will hunt you down! I will find you!
Audience: (stops laughing abruptly)
Silverweed: (holds up other hand)
Ron: I will hunt you down, and I will kill you! Don't you think you can escape! I'm a law breaker, not enforcer! I -
Silverweed: Security?
(Two ironically uniformed men come in and carry the still screaming Ron away.)
Silverweed: (smiles and waves at the camera) Right, well, that's all - What's that, Anderson? Oh, one of our sponsors wants to say something.
(Suzuka walks across the stage holding a gigantic poster, which reads 'Beans: The Other Dangerous Weapon!' The audience, for lack of another response, applauds.)
Suzuka: (shoves the poster into Gene's hands) Hold this.(begins to fling beans into the crowd)
Audience: (screams and begins to evacuate the building)
Silverweed: (pushing her guests pack to the teleporters) Right, well, um, bye! See you next time on Toast Masters! Bye!