Tour de Force
by Soul Hunter
Part 12 (Conclusion)
In all his eighteen years, Nida never really thought about dying. He's too young to die, he always tells himself. He still has a lot of things he wishes to accomplish... dreams he wants fulfilled. Being a SeeD is only a stepping stone, a pathway, a means to an end. Someday, he will be a somebody. Maybe a renowned army general, a successful enterprenuer, or even Balamb Garden's next Headmaster.
He can't die yet. He's still young. He can still be all that he can be.
Nida opens his eyes, and all he sees is white. Is he dead? Has he reached the final destination of those who have finally bid farewell to life on the solid earth? Has he finally called it in?
Where is that smell of burnt rubber coming from?
"Nida. Nida! Can you here me?" a garbled voice pierces through his coated hearing. He tries to get a handle of what's happening around him. Everything's still, silent as a graveyard. The white is still there... but it's beginning to disperse, giving way to the sight of a vertical sludge that used to be a metal wall. He recognizes the surroundings upon setting his eyes on the familiar corridor now beginning to fill with people wearing either white lab gowns or pink radiation suits. He asks himself in awe: "I'm still alive?"
"Nida, if you can hear me, come in please!" He then makes out the voice as one owned by Balamb Garden's most popular figure, Quistis Trepe. Slowly lifting himself up, Nida struggles amidst the throbbing pain in his back and head, then labors to respond to the instructor.
"Yeah... loud and clear..."
"YES!!!" Xu hollers upon hearing Nida's voice through her SeeD communicator. "He made it! Yes!!!" And her reaction was merely a shadow of the jubilation now taking grip of the four SeeDs who were previously holding their breaths in anxiety while watching the transmitter display drop down to zero. There was still that detonation, they know. But Nida is alive. That is all that matters.
Selphie, likewise feeling happy and relieved, understandably feels an urge to run to Zell. But Iris beat her to him. Despite her glee, the Trabian lass silently grieves upon seeing the pigtailed girl smothering her 'other' beloved with a breathstopping lip lock.
"Come on, guys. Let's go home." she urges her comrades, if only to see that unsettling scene come to a halt.
"Uh, Xu and I also came here in our APC." says Iris. "So I hope you don't mind if we kinda switch passengers. Zell and I have a lot of catching up to do."
Selphie's face becomes downcast. Turning her back on the pair, she opts to let Xu make the courtesy agreement.
"Sure, Iris. Come on, Selphie. Let's leave these two lovebirds alone."
Neither Xu nor Iris notice Selphie and Zell looking back at each other as the pairs each proceed on their way to the docked amphibian personnel carriers.
Forty-eight hours later, a crowd of nine cheerfully gather around their comrades in a hospital recovery room in Esthar. It was a happy sight, with Squall, Rinoa and Irvine sitting up on their beds to show everyone just how ready they are to check out after being treated for second degree radiation poisoning. Despite the laughters and mocked jeers irregularly bellowing out from the group, each one of them is sending the message that they are only too relieved that the trio has speedily recuperated.
"I was like... 'Run? But the bomb is still ticking! Why in the world does Iris want me to run?'" blurts out Nida while playfully balancing himself with his crutches. An impressed Laguna consequently turns his smiling face on the girl with the pigtail.
"That was quite impressive, Iris. What did you tell Nida exactly?"
Iris beams with pride. "Oh, the moment he described the bomb to me, I realized that it was a modified fusion device, obviously modeled after the neutrino fusion bomb. Unfortunately, that configuration has been designed to be fool-proof, there's no way to disarm it once it's activated. So I just got Nida to reverse its polarity to turn it into a fission bomb, which you all probably know, is far less powerful."
"As you can see, Mr. President," Quistis starts. "You made a good decision in sponsoring Balamb Garden's operations. Or else Iris here won't be able to learn all this nifty stuff."
Iris blushes once again, subsequently wrapping her arms affectionately around Zell's waist. He reciprocates by putting his arm over her shoulders, all the while his eyes are training a secret gaze toward Selphie who was seated on Irvine's bed. She just lowered her eyes after meeting his.
"At any rate, I owe you one again, kids." Laguna enthuses. "If not for you -- again, Esthar would have gone the way of the old Centra continent."
"Not necessarily, Mr. President." Quistis interjects. "The only thing you actually stood to lose was Tears Point and the underground hangar."
"How'd you figure, Quisty?" Irvine joins in while putting his arms around Selphie. She then looks at Zell, detecting the martial artist's evident appallment at the sight when he turned his gaze away from them.
"Tactical maneuvers, Irvine." the instructor begins to explain. "If there was enough of the explosives to devastate half of Esthar, Kipman wouldn't have waited for the summit to move to Tears Point for the culmination ceremony. Besides," she pauses, tossing a smirk at Nida. "If there was enough of the Gyro War, Nida wouldn't be standing here with us even though he was successful in reversing the bomb's polarity." A very audible gulp echoes out from his throat.
"In other words, Mr. Kipman was only bluffing to get Zell and me to let him escape." The Trabian girl adds. "Pretty clever."
"Clever?" her lover counters. "Knowing Zell? To hell with the bluff. Right, bud?"
"Uh-huh..." Zell replies. His voice is somewhat drab and obviously lacking its usual ebullience -- a fact that again, didn't escape the notice of the perceptive teacher.
"Anyway, all's well that ends well." Quistis voices out while fastening her whip back to her waist buckle. "Now if you'll excuse us, we still have to make a report to the Headmaster about this. Iris, Xu, Zell, come on."
The martial artist tosses a suspicious glance at the instructor, as if conveying a silent message that he wants to stay behind. Discerning his subtle intent, Quistis returns his gaze with a smile that conveys a similarly wordless reply that she will not take no for an answer. Reluctantly, the painted SeeD complies and bids farewell to those left behind, all the while avoiding direct eye contact with Selphie and Irvine.
After a few minutes, the four SeeDs are seen approaching their crimson aircraft atop the Airstation's landing deck. Low humming sounds echo from the stairway descending from the Ragnarok's underbelly, with each inch of downward advancement bringing more hesitation to the martial artist. Until ultimately, Zell decides on a course of action, whispering soft words into Iris' ears as Quistis looks on.
"You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, Iris. I'll be fine. Go ahead, okay?"
"Alright..." Iris gloomily responds despite her compliance.
After the pigtailed girl disappeared from his sight, Zell then turns to Quistis with a look that appears to be apologizing for his decision. She looks back at him, not knowing what to think in light of this ominous cognizance stubbornly creeping into her. Quistis had been having this inkling during the last four days, but she chose to ignore them at first after deeming what she thought was a ridiculous mindset. But now, the wise instructor is starting to become possessed with unmitigated anxiety while putting together everything that she has been witnessing during the last couple of days: Zell's unusual silence and Selphie's uncharacteristic lack of ardor when the two are in congregation with other people; the subtle yet meaningful glances made even across distances; the mysterious smiles; the sudden disappearances... she had to be a fool not to realize what's been going on.
Not exactly numb from the obvious, Zell voices out an apprehensive question.
"What's on your mind, Quistis?"
"Uh... nothing." she retorts in opting to let go of the subject. However, the instructor changed her mind, deciding against non-involvement to go after Zell as he starts to make his way back to the city. "Zell, wait!"
"What is it?" he comes back somewhat impatiently.
"Can I... uh... give you a little sisterly advice?" Zell chooses against a reaction and just looks back intently at Quistis.
"... Look before you leap..."
He bows his head, seemingly ashamed at what he discerns as the instructor's unwelcome awareness to the secret he shares with their Trabian colleague. Staring at Zell with half-pitying eyes, Quistis deliberates on whether to lecture her friend of the dangers of this clandestine emotional rendezvous with one who technically belongs to his best friend. Should she go the way of a concerned yet conceivably intrusive friend by telling Zell what can and cannot be done? Or should Quistis simply trust his judgment, with the hope that in the end he will find it in his heart to do the considerate thing?
The teacher chooses the latter, then proceeds to her ascent along the red metal staircase.
Zell waits until the speeding Ragnarok disappears from his sight before making his way back to the Airstation's front entrance. He was then mildly surprised upon finding Selphie there, waiting.
"Hi." she greets.
"Hi." he retorts. A short stretch of stillness takes place between them prior to Zell picking up on his greeting. "What did you tell him?"
"Oh, I just told Irvine that I'm going shopping." Selphie responds. "Besides, visiting hours is almost over so there's really no point in staying there for long."
"Oh okay." Zell mutters back. He was just about to walk with her back to the streets when Selphie abruptly held his hands.
"Come with me to the landing deck. There's a new trick I need to show you with one of our GFs."
Upon reaching the wide platform, Selphie momentarily closes her eyes in pleasure while basking in the cool breeze blowing gently at her face and body. She then briefly meditates before turning back to Zell.
"When I say jump, jump. Okay?"
"What? Why do we need to...?"
"JUMP!"
Though not knowing why, Zell instantly follows Selphie's vertical leap. All of the sudden, he feels himself snatched away from his upward movement. Immensely startled, the brash SeeD consequently finds himself inside a compact cockpit, with Selphie seated very close beside him. However, her presence wasn't enough to quell his abruptly introduced awe as Zell realizes later on that they're inside the transformed interior of the Guardian Force known as Lockheed.
"Whoa! This is awesome! How'd you learn about this?" he blurts out while watching the horizon sink with their zooming elevation into the peaceful sky.
"I'm not really sure..." Selphie comes back. "It just... dawned on me that Lockheed can also be summoned as a transport GF."
"Cool!" Zell exclaims, his eyes wide with awe as the GF they're riding on continues to speed its way through the blue heavens. What follows next is a long span of speeding stillness for the two enraptured warriors inside the servitor spirit... gawking with immense thrill at the soothing view of the azure nothingness above aptly complemented by the breathtaking beauty of nature's embodiment in the scattered islands that appear like jewels studded along the vast expanse of the resplendent seas below. The soaring sensation never felt this good inside the Ragnarok, they both ponder. The pair was so overcome by the experience of this unnatural freedom that they failed to notice their hands joining together tightly. Their fingers intertwine with each other, together with the resonance of their revelling sighs as Lockheed treats them to an overwhelming incursion through white clouds and flocks migrating seagulls. Their mesmerized minds unwittingly agree on one thing: flying has never felt this heavenly.
Eventually, Zell relinquishes his attention from their hypnotizing journey and moves it to his teammate. He then affectionately pulls her face by her soft chin, and gently guides it towards his. The exhilirating experience consequently becomes dwarfed by the tender merging of their lips.
There is a saying though, that all things -- good or bad -- must come to an end. Zell appears visibly regretful when the GF begins to slowly land on top of a wide plateau. Finally settling on the soft rock, Lockheed promptly disappears, leaving the teo SeeDs at a familiar ledge overlooking the base of Dollet's Communication Tower facility.
"Why here, Sef?" Zell asks the sweetly smiling lass.
"Don't you remember?" Selphie answers. "This is where we first met... I mean, after we got separated in the orphanage."
"Oh yeah..." he quips back, his lips likewise forming a reminiscing smile. "I still remember how you tumbled from over there..." Zell adds with a snickering fit. Selphie juts her tongue out playfully before pulling herself down to sit on the rocks. She then pulls Zell beside her.
"Seems like yerterday, isn't it?" Selphie starts. "I hardly noticed it's already been more than a year since we fought that Elvoret up there."
"Not to mention those two morons." Zell chuckles. "I already forgot their names."
"Biggs and Wedge." she recalls before dismissing the subject. "Anyway, do you still remember how upset you were when we met Irvine? Come to think of it, I'm really quite surprised you two hit it off really well after that initial friction with each other. How'd you do it, anyway?"
"Me and Irvine? Umm... I don't know. I guess it just happened."
"And how about the time when you thought Irvine and I were going to break up. Remember how you ran back and forth trying to explain to me that sports car analogy?"
"Who'd forget that?" Zell snaps back. "That was only two months ago."
Inadvertently, Zell notices a pattern in Selphie's reminiscing. He tries to ignore the cognizance if only to avoid ruining the moment. But the nagging sentiment persists, prompting him to straightway toss a questioning remark to get Selphie to reveal her thoughts.
"You're psyching yourself up, aren't you?"
Selphie abruptly changes mood, momentarily bowing her head before looking back at him.
"I can tell, you know. Among all the things that you can recall, you're bringing back the ones that most project the times when we were only friends. I don't know... but it's like you're trying to remember how it felt like. It's like... you want us to go back to being... just friends."
Totally cornered, the Trabian SeeD couldn't avoid the begging look in her eyes. Zell meets her gaze, not knowing whether to feel bad with the prospect or feel sorry for Selphie's situation. He knows only too well how torn she's feeling at this very moment.
"But don't sweat it, Sef. I... I understand." He struggles to project an aura of sympathy. "I did notice how worried you were when Irvine and the others got trapped in that underground hangar."
"Can you blame me?" Selphie finally voices out. "I did tell you, right? Irvine's still my boyfriend. I'm just having a hard time because..."
"Sef, I understand. You don't have to explain."
"But I wanna explain, dammit!" she suddenly exclaims, startling the martial artist. Zell starts feeling even more dismayed upon noticing the reddening shade in her eyes. It's like anytime now, those resplendent green jewels are going to burst forth with a slew of negative emotions. Opting to stay his compulsion to talk, Zell inches sideways to come even closer to Selphie.
"I don't know what to do anymore! I care about you a lot, Zell. I really, really do... with all my heart. And even though I know it was wrong because I've been cheating on Irvine, I still chose to be with you during the last couple of days. I chose to do that because I want to. I wanna be with you."
Zell feels an abrupt, weakening sensation in his heart while looking on at the despondent Selphie. Much as he tries to steel himself, he knows how much he dreads the direction this conversation is traversing. He feels that however things turn out, he will not be liking them. Training his sight toward the rocky pathway below, the melancholic SeeD sees the petit form of a Trabian candidate in uniform, prodding him to jump down the tall ledge. Zell then turns his attention back to the same girl sitting close beside him.
"I'm kinda thinking... how did this all start? Have we always felt this way before and we're just not aware of it?" Selphie runs a finger across the corner of her left eye. "Or are we just mistaking this for something deeper only because we're so excited with the setup."
"Excited? Setup?" he quizzically snaps back.
"I remember what Mr. Kipman told us... why people do things even though they know it might hurt others. He said its because we can. Zell... are we doing this only because we know we can? Is it because we just found out that we're capable of doing this behind everyone's back?"
"Maybe..." he mutters in response. "Maybe... I don't know. But if it's true, that'll somehow make our lives easier, right? We did this because we can do it. And now, we're done doing it, many times over. Experiment successful, shall we now draw up a conclusion?"
Selphie doesn't answer.
"We therefore conclude that it was fun doing it. And that's it. We can now go back to our regular lives and just forget that any of these happened. Sounds easy, doesn't it?"
"Y... Yeah... it does." Selphie mumbles.
"Okay..." he sighs. "Maybe you are right. If this is the case, I suppose the only thing left for us to do is to stop this thing and pick up where we left off."
Selphie nods her head faintly. And as if expecting that reaction, Zell leads her to face him directly then stares straight into her eyes.
"Is that... what you really want to do?"
"... ... No..."
Gripped with heart-rending passion, Zell and Selphie draw together in a tight embrace, pouring out the tormented wails in their hearts that yearn so much to be one with the other. Savoring the sad, albeit blissful moment, they subsequently choose to let time stand still... knowing full well that when it starts to move again, it will do so with the unyielding demand for separate lives.
"But that's what we'll end up doing, Zell."
He holds her even closer, tighter. A screaming reflection of the fear of inevitably letting each other go because of their glaring unwillingness to give up what they have. It breaks their hearts, tears them asunder. But the two anguished souls are only too aware that they cannot serve two masters at the same time.
"I'm sorry..." Selphie starts to sob. "I'm so sorry for letting this happen, Zell. I shouldn't have done it without being sure about Irvine. But..."
Selphie hesitates, wary of causing torment in Zell's heart with the truth that no matter how deeply she feels, she is still too scared to abandon the foundation laid down by her long-running relationship with the gunslinger. Besides, she knows that that's not the only reason. She knows that despite being awash by her passion for Zell, Selphie still harbors a lingering regard for Irvine. Given this... she accepts the truth that she is just not ready to venture forth to the final goal.
Selphie hates herself for admitting the truth that she's just playing safe.
A truth that is shared by Zell. He is likewise tortured by the fact that he doesn't have the whole of her... that he has to share her with his best friend. If he really wants to, he can momentarily disregard friendship to give in to his heart's desire of completely bestowing himself upon her. But he can't give out what he doesn't fully own. No matter how ferocious his longing for Selphie is, Zell knows that a certain territory in his heart is still held by the pigtailed girl. And he's not certain if he's ready to squirm free of a secure state in favor of an uncertain start.
They're bringing this unto themselves. They may have already proceeded to the next level, yet they discover that the pinnacle entails permanent sacrifices. Sacrifices they're not willing to make.
"Sef... I'm sorry too..."
Faint sobs begin to emanate from Selphie.
"What do we do now?"
"W-We did this to ourselves, Sefie." Zell stutters. "Now... there's nothing we can do but to choke this down and... hope that we survive this..."
"I... don't know if I can..."
"... Me too..."
It was the most incredibly difficult thing he tried to do in his life. But finally, Zell was able to let go of the woman he has grown to care for with the deepest regard he's ever felt. His heavy heart mercilessly weighing him down, the martial artist had to call forth inhuman strangths just to lift himself up from the spot beside her. Zell was able to make a few steps away before the ruthless force manages to turn him back. For one horrific moment, he again fails to deny his yearning.
"Selphie... I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you."
She looks up with drenched eyes.
"Don't say that. You'll never know when I might ask for too much from you..."
What follows next is a series of footsteps that slowly faded from her exhausted ears. Selphie looks behind to see that she's now alone... alone and heartbroken. The effort was futile, yet she persists in roaming her eyes around to find at least one thing to give her weary heart a semblance of comfort.
There's a tall pile of rocks a short distance from where she sits. Her lips then form a sullen smile. A long time ago, she was ordered by her Squad A leader to send an urgent withdraw message to all the other candidate squads participating in that SeeD field exam. It took her forever to locate the problematic Squad B led by their equally problematic squad leader. And yet she was still able to accomplish the mission which was highlighted by a careless footing and an embarrassing tumble down that same pile of rocks. She looks up, sees him, and sticks her tongue out.
That was the beginning.
- The End -