Bed Of Lies
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
"Max?" She whispers.
"Hmmm?"
"Max, I need to tell you something." I hear panic entering her voice. It cracks and her breathing becomes fast and shallow. I am fully awake now. I wait for her to continue, "...Sean was over yesterday."
She pauses. Why, I don't know. Big deal. Sean is her best friend's cousin, they've known each other since they were babies. Why would she be worried about telling me this?
"Yeah so? Sean's a nice guy. Did you have a nice time with him?"
"Umm...God. Max, I don't know how to say this. Sean and I...we umm..we.. slept together."
Empty. That's how I feel. Completely and utterly void of any feeling. I don't hurt, I'm past hurt. I don't ache because I can't feel my body. I can't even yell because she has floored me with this fact she springs on me.
How did this happen? Why me? I was laying here, my arm around her waist, drifting off to sleep smelling her sweet shampoo and feeling her soft breath on my arm. And then she tells me this. The sentence rings in my ears. It's burned on my brain. I don't think I'll ever forget this moment.
I get up to go. Her hand is on my arm and I look at it. And for the first time it is cold. Her touch is cold and it feels dirty. Like something that has been dead for too long to feel anything other than dirty and cold.
"Don't. Max please don't go. I...I thought I should tell you." She pulls back her hand and I look at her.
She's crying. She's crying and I feel like I'm slowly drowning. And she sits there crying. What right does she think she has?
"Why? Why should you have told me, Liz? So that I could never sleep in our bed again? So that when I looked at you I'd see him all over you? Is that why you thought you should tell me?" Finally the anger comes and I welcome it. It is better than this void I was floating in.
I leave the room then and head to the living room. I pull a blanket out of the linen closet and wrap up in it on the sofa. I hear her faint sobs from the other room. I feel like going in there and yelling at her. What right does she have to cry? She did this to herself. She did this to us. I close my eyes but the images that I see are a curse of my being linked to her; emotionally, psychically.
I see it all. I hear it all, and I feel it all. It's all too much for me. I rush to the bathroom and throw up. I splash water on my face knowing that sleep is not going to do anything for me tonight. I go back and flip on the TV. I stare blankly at the three o' clock in the morning infomercials telling me about hair spray.
I don't think that I can take another empty moment
I don't think that I can fake another
hollow smile
Well it's not enough just to be sorry.
Don't think that I could take another talk about it
~*~
I wake with the sounds of her fumbling around in the kitchen. It's morning and the TV is off. I must have finally passed out. I make my way into the kichen, pour myself a cup of coffee and try not to see her sitting there with her hair falling in front of her face, lookling like an angel, reading the paper. I sit down at the table and grab the sports section.
I fight back the ugre to smack her and yell at her for hurting me like this. For hurting *us* like this. It's too much to pretend that this is another average day. I get up and as I start to walk away she stops me with the sound of her voice.
"Max, Max I'm sorry it just happened. I.." She begins to cry and for a second I want to hold her. To comfort her. But then I remember what I saw last night: That didn't look like a one time thing. That didn't look like it just happened. That looked like my darling wife in the throws of passion with another man. It looked like a affair going on for more than a while. I can picture them now, sitting there laughing at how stupid I am. Laughing at how easy they got away wtih it. Why now though? Why tell me now?
She opens her mouth but I don't let her finish. I can't stand to hear it again. I don't need to stand here and listen to her so *she* can feel better.
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Well it's not enough just be sorry
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave 'til it all went away
I walk away from her. The love I thought undying was gone. I can't look at her without seeing what I saw last night. It makes me sick all over again. The best thing to do now is to leave. Just get up and go.
I walk into our room and my eyes settle on the bed. Our bed, we shared so many nights there. Our first night being married in that bed. The same bed the slut went and slept with someone else in. I can't take it. I dress and head out.
It's better that I head out for work now. How am I supposed to save lives today? I don't even want to save myself. She comes out and looks at me. And I feel it. She wants to talk about it again. She wants me to dweel on this until I wither and die from her mistake.
"Max, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you." She says tearing up again.
"You're sorry? You think that's going to help? This isn't like you forgot my dry cleaning or you were late coming home. You had sex with another man. I risked my whole life for you. I gave up everything for you and this is what I get? I thought we were happy, Liz. I thought this is what we had always dreamed of. I guess I was wrong. I guess Tess and Isabel were right. I couldn't trust you, it wasn't worth what I was risking. I risked my best friend and my sister for a cheating slut. We're over Liz. I don't know how you ever expected me to be okay with this. I'm leaving, Liz, and I'm going to work. I'm not coming home tonight. So you and Sean can have the life you must want together. Goodbye."
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
The End
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
"Max?" She whispers.
"Hmmm?"
"Max, I need to tell you something." I hear panic entering her voice. It cracks and her breathing becomes fast and shallow. I am fully awake now. I wait for her to continue, "...Sean was over yesterday."
She pauses. Why, I don't know. Big deal. Sean is her best friend's cousin, they've known each other since they were babies. Why would she be worried about telling me this?
"Yeah so? Sean's a nice guy. Did you have a nice time with him?"
"Umm...God. Max, I don't know how to say this. Sean and I...we umm..we.. slept together."
Empty. That's how I feel. Completely and utterly void of any feeling. I don't hurt, I'm past hurt. I don't ache because I can't feel my body. I can't even yell because she has floored me with this fact she springs on me.
How did this happen? Why me? I was laying here, my arm around her waist, drifting off to sleep smelling her sweet shampoo and feeling her soft breath on my arm. And then she tells me this. The sentence rings in my ears. It's burned on my brain. I don't think I'll ever forget this moment.
I get up to go. Her hand is on my arm and I look at it. And for the first time it is cold. Her touch is cold and it feels dirty. Like something that has been dead for too long to feel anything other than dirty and cold.
"Don't. Max please don't go. I...I thought I should tell you." She pulls back her hand and I look at her.
She's crying. She's crying and I feel like I'm slowly drowning. And she sits there crying. What right does she think she has?
"Why? Why should you have told me, Liz? So that I could never sleep in our bed again? So that when I looked at you I'd see him all over you? Is that why you thought you should tell me?" Finally the anger comes and I welcome it. It is better than this void I was floating in.
I leave the room then and head to the living room. I pull a blanket out of the linen closet and wrap up in it on the sofa. I hear her faint sobs from the other room. I feel like going in there and yelling at her. What right does she have to cry? She did this to herself. She did this to us. I close my eyes but the images that I see are a curse of my being linked to her; emotionally, psychically.
I see it all. I hear it all, and I feel it all. It's all too much for me. I rush to the bathroom and throw up. I splash water on my face knowing that sleep is not going to do anything for me tonight. I go back and flip on the TV. I stare blankly at the three o' clock in the morning infomercials telling me about hair spray.
I don't think that I can take another empty moment
I don't think that I can fake another
hollow smile
Well it's not enough just to be sorry.
Don't think that I could take another talk about it
~*~
I wake with the sounds of her fumbling around in the kitchen. It's morning and the TV is off. I must have finally passed out. I make my way into the kichen, pour myself a cup of coffee and try not to see her sitting there with her hair falling in front of her face, lookling like an angel, reading the paper. I sit down at the table and grab the sports section.
I fight back the ugre to smack her and yell at her for hurting me like this. For hurting *us* like this. It's too much to pretend that this is another average day. I get up and as I start to walk away she stops me with the sound of her voice.
"Max, Max I'm sorry it just happened. I.." She begins to cry and for a second I want to hold her. To comfort her. But then I remember what I saw last night: That didn't look like a one time thing. That didn't look like it just happened. That looked like my darling wife in the throws of passion with another man. It looked like a affair going on for more than a while. I can picture them now, sitting there laughing at how stupid I am. Laughing at how easy they got away wtih it. Why now though? Why tell me now?
She opens her mouth but I don't let her finish. I can't stand to hear it again. I don't need to stand here and listen to her so *she* can feel better.
Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Well it's not enough just be sorry
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in
Tried to be more than me
And I gave 'til it all went away
I walk away from her. The love I thought undying was gone. I can't look at her without seeing what I saw last night. It makes me sick all over again. The best thing to do now is to leave. Just get up and go.
I walk into our room and my eyes settle on the bed. Our bed, we shared so many nights there. Our first night being married in that bed. The same bed the slut went and slept with someone else in. I can't take it. I dress and head out.
It's better that I head out for work now. How am I supposed to save lives today? I don't even want to save myself. She comes out and looks at me. And I feel it. She wants to talk about it again. She wants me to dweel on this until I wither and die from her mistake.
"Max, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you." She says tearing up again.
"You're sorry? You think that's going to help? This isn't like you forgot my dry cleaning or you were late coming home. You had sex with another man. I risked my whole life for you. I gave up everything for you and this is what I get? I thought we were happy, Liz. I thought this is what we had always dreamed of. I guess I was wrong. I guess Tess and Isabel were right. I couldn't trust you, it wasn't worth what I was risking. I risked my best friend and my sister for a cheating slut. We're over Liz. I don't know how you ever expected me to be okay with this. I'm leaving, Liz, and I'm going to work. I'm not coming home tonight. So you and Sean can have the life you must want together. Goodbye."
No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am
The End