Lord of the Drugs, Chapter 2
Many years passed in which Gandalfag would occasionally stumble drunkenly into Homo's hole only to mysteriously stumble out and stumble back in a few years later. This happened one day fifty years after Bimbo's departure.
"Hey Homo," he said. "You know that magic Joint you got? Throw it into the fire. I want to show you something." Before Homo could protest, Gandalfag grabbed the joint and threw it into the fireplace. Immediately, smoke began to rise from the joint.
"Look!" cried Gandalfag. "See that smoke? It's actually letters written in the ancient Smurven tongue, Weedsmoke-Induvielth-Thalviuf-Pandirutiel!" The pattern that the smoke rises in is an actual alphabet! Hmm…interesting. It spells out the last two lines in a poem called Lord of the Drugs. It goes like this:
One joint is cooler than all, one ring to grind them.
One ring to smoke them all, and in the darkness blind them."
"No, man. It's just smoke."
"I'm telling you," he insisted, "It's a freaking language!"
"Okay. So what's it say now?"
"It says…hold on a sec." Gandalfag took out his handy-dandy Weedsmoke-Induvielth-Thalviuf-Pandirutiel pocket dictionary (never leave home without it!) and flipped a few pages. "Aha!" he cried. "It says, 'Winners don't do drugs. A message brought to you by the Society for the prevention of really good stuff.'
"This is the One Joint. It was made thousands years ago by Smurven dealers inside Mount Boom. It is the most powerful of the Twenty of Joints. If Lord George Bush gets it, he will be able to find the other Joints and rule the world!
"Let me tell you how it came into your possession. Long ago there was this big war; and George Bush had this Joint. Then, this dude took it from him and lost it. Then, some Niglet, named Diglet, found it; and some other Niglet, named Sniglet, said, 'Dude, gimme the joint you found,' and the other guy said, 'Dude, no way, man.' So then Sniglet killed Diglet and took his joint. Then, Sniglet's grandma got really pissed at him and she called him Hchakk. So, Sniglet went to live under a mountain. Then, a coupla thousand years later, Bimbo Bagless went and took his Joint and he gave it to you. Now, George Bush is looking for it, so you gotta get your flabby, white butt outta here before G. Dubya sends his evil minions after you! Oh yeah, one more thing. This ain't like any regular joint. Remember how Hchakk was obsessed over this joint? Well, that's because this one is Iaddictive/I!"
Gandalfag said the last words loudly, so that Homo woke up with a start. "Oh I'm sorry. Were you saying something?"
Gandalfag sighed. "All you need to know is that you have to leave here and put the freedom of the known world at risk; and while you're at it take that gardener guy- what's his name…Oh yeah, Samstupid!- take him with you."
So Gandalfag went on his way and Homo made preparations to gyp the Crackville-Baglesses by selling them his hole. He also arranged for some of his relations, Smelly Candytruck and Pimple Crook, to help him move some stuff to Truckland, where they thought he was moving. Everything went as planned until the day that they would leave on. Some black people showed up the neighborhood. They were seen speaking to Samstupid's Gaffer.
"Yo! Wassup Brotha G! Ya know where be'd the Jointbearer?"
"Woah! I'm not even drunk yet and I still don't know what you're saying!"
"Oh, so now you be messin? Don't you be givin me that! You don't wanna be messin! I'll show you messin…"
Homo realized that these black people were the evil minions of George W. Bush, so he decided to set off right away. The four Hobos began their journey, the young ones skipping gaily. Soon they crossed over the Whiskeyvodka River into Truckland. They stopped at Candytruck Hall to eat rats and snakes with Fatty Bolger (A.N. I really didn't have to change that one). While they were there, Smelly and Pimple surprised Homo by telling him that they knew that he was going somewhere and that they would come too. So late that night four short, fat, figures could be seen creeping towards the Geezer Forrest, holding the fate of the world and a few Hershey Bars in their pockets.