Ta-Da!!
Another
one. Oh happy day.
Ummm…this fic
happened as a result of my "The Bird-Poo Gun of Doom Strikes Back" fic. Rude was WAAYYY creepy in that fanfic, and I
wanted to do a little something…different. I'm not bashing Rude out of hatred for him. I like Rude quite a lot. This is just something that had to be done, so I'm sorry, alright?
Well, I think
I'll try and start now.
Enjoy
Coca-Cola!…oh, and my ficcie, too.
~ Wannon-chan ~
The Trouble with Rude
Reno was waiting in the lunch line of Shinra Inc. His stomach was growling extremely loudly. Despite popular belief, Reno actually ate a great deal of food…he was blessed with a very high metabolism.
Ah, lunchtime…my favourite part of the day…well, that and happy hour at Tifa's 7th Heaven. He thought happily. But he did have one dislike about this time of day.
It was Rude.
He had been stalking Reno ever since the bird-poo gun of doom made its not-so-triumphant return…Rude thought Reno hadn't noticed.
Yeah right.
Reno was as sharp as a tack when it came to things like that. You don't live on the streets for as long as he had and not develop heightened senses.
Reno decided that he'd had enough. He wanted Rude to bugger off and leave him alone. So he decided, what better way to get him to do so than confront him?
He grabbed a couple of sandwiches, and a can of orange soda before sitting down at his usual place, next to Tseng at the Turks Table. (Oh yes, there's a Turks Table)
Reno gave his patented lopsided grin to Tseng, who returned it with a more reserved look.
"How are you holding up, Reno?" he asked. The redheaded Turk blew out a deep breath.
"Well, ya know, I'm actually gonna talk to him about it today," Reno admitted. Tseng and Elena knew about Rude's infatuation with Reno, and found it highly amusing.
"Good for you! Here he comes…" Tseng said. Elena giggled a little, but quieted as soon as Rude was within earshot.
"…Hi Reno," Rude said, sitting down next to the redhead. Reno flinched involuntarily, and moved closer to Tseng, who patted his thigh sympathetically.
"Hi Rude…uh, can I talk to you about something?" he asked. The bald man smiled.
"Sure Reno! I would love to talk to you," he said happily. Reno gulped.
"I, uh…I know you've been stalking me," Reno said slowly. Rude's grin widened, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
"Oh good, then I don't have to try and be so stealthy now…" he said. Reno sweatdropped.
"Oh dear god…" he breathed. Rude was leaning closer and closer towards him, and Reno was moving further back, until he was practically in Tseng's lap.
"Reno? Will you…be mine?" he asked. Reno squeaked in fear.
"NO! you're a freaky, bald, banana-loving monkey man and I don't like you!" he cried, squeezing his eyes shut. He heard a gasp, and opened one of his eyes to see Rude smiling wider…if such a thing is possible…
"…Oh. You're playing hard-to-get…kinky…" he said. Reno screamed, and Tseng clapped a hand over his mouth. Reno was now actually in Tseng's lap, and the oriental beauty was having a great amount of difficulty trying to eat his salad with a screaming, redheaded man in his lap.
"Reno, please…you're attracting attention," Tseng said. He wasn't lying. Rufus and Cloud had turned their attention to the Turks Table, eyebrows raising suggestively at the sight of Reno in Tseng's lap. Tseng sighed. The last thing he needed was Cloud and Rufus teasing him about Reno. Not that Tseng hadn't ever considered hooking up with the other Turk…but still…
"Tseng! How can I keep quiet?! He's freakin' me out, man!" Reno protested. Rude leant over and whispered in Reno's ear.
"Hey Reno…I like bananas…they're fun…and tasty, too…" he said. Reno turned considerably paler, and began to freak. He looked for something to deter the bald man, and found Tseng…looking rather lusty, even…with his pouting lips, and his silken hair…that dot…mmm, Tseng…whoops. The author is not supposed to begin to salivate over a character.
Reno got to thinking…amazing, huh? (You know I'm kiddin'. I LOVE Reno)
If I pretend that Tseng and I are together, Rude'll leave
me alone! He thought happily.
Looking Tseng straight in the eyes, he lowered his face and softly pressed his lips against Tseng's own, savoring their smooth texture, and sweet taste. Tseng was very responsive, and granted Reno access into the warm cavern of his mouth.
They continued to kiss passionately, receiving cheers and cat-calls…but they were oblivious to them.
Tseng's arms wrapped around Reno's waist, pulling him into a tight embrace, while Reno's hands ran through the silky length of Tseng's ebony hair.
Reno felt Tseng's heartbeat quicken, and his own sped up to match it.
Oh my god…I'm making out with Tseng in the middle of the cafeteria!…wait a second…I'm making out with Tseng?! How did that happen?!…oh yeah, deterring Rude. Holy shit, I was only gonna give him a peck on the lips!…but this…this is SO much nicer… Reno thought. They both came up for air. They heard a familiar voice float over from the other side of the room.
"Now that was a kiss!"
Reno and Tseng blushed heavily, looking at the person who made the comment. Cloud Strife strode over to them, and winked.
"It's about time you two hooked up…" he whispered very quietly. Reno and Tseng looked at each other in surprise. Tseng raised an eyebrow, and leant over to whisper in Reno's ear.
"Did you do that to discourage Rude…or was it something more?" he asked. Reno shivered as Tseng's lips brushed his earlobe.
"It was going to be just a peck on the lips to deter Rude…turned out much more arousing than that…" he whispered back. Tseng blushed.
"Yes, my pants are feeling a little confining right now…uh…does this mean you like me?" he asked. Reno blushed, and nuzzled against Tseng like a cat.
"Guess so…" he replied. Tseng was about to begin their game of tonsil hockey again, but Rude cleared his throat, causing them both to jump.
"Excuse me. The president is in your presence. Have some respect." he said. The two cuddling Turks looked over to see Rufus standing there, grinning from ear to ear.
"Absolutely amazing…I'd pay good money to see that again!" Rufus joked. Cloud giggled from beside Rufus, wrapping a muscled arm around his waist. Reno gave Rufus his customary grin.
"Well, mister president…I'll remember that…" he said slyly. Rufus smiled, before leaving with Cloud. Reno remembered that he was trying to get rid of Rude, and turned his attention to the freaky bald guy.
"As you can see, Rude…Tseng and I are together. I am not interested in you." he said matter-of-factly. Rude's face fell, and he got up and stormed away from the Turks Table. Reno grinned at Tseng.
"Alone at last…" he said. They heard a throat being cleared from behind them, and looked to see Elena, eyes wide, mouth agape.
"Uh, I'm still here…I can't believe you two just…oh my god…" she said. Reno grinned.
"Don't believe it, huh? Wanna see it again?!" he asked enthusiastically. Elena shook her head vehemently.
"N-no! I've seen more than enough yaoi action to last me a lifetime!!" she cried, before leaping up and dashing off, leaving her half-eaten lunch behind. Reno pouted.
"Aw, we weren't even up to the good part yet!" he cried, and Tseng laughed, picking Reno up, and carrying him out of the cafeteria, leaving stunned Shinra employees behind.
~ * ~
Rude stormed outside, thoughts racing through his mind.
How dare Tseng take what's rightfully mine?! Reno and I have been side by side for so long, I don't know how I could cope without him!
He's
always been there, the comic relief…the only man who could bring a smile to my
face, even on the darkest of days…
We've
worked together, laughed together, shared our deepest, darkest secrets…
Why,
Reno? Why did you choose Tseng?
Is it
because he has hair?! Or because he has that stupid dot?! Or maybe it's just
the whole sexy Asian thing he's got going on, huh?
Well,
I'm not gonna let him get away with it. You're mine, Reno…you just don't know it yet…
You'll
find out soon enough…enjoy your time with Tseng…while it lasts.
~ Cue evil laughter ~
Rude calmed down sufficiently, before walking back inside to plot Tseng's demise…er, downfall.
~ * ~
Tseng threw Reno on the couch in his office, before throwing himself on it, too. Reno laughed at the sight of Tseng flying, a look of concentration upon his face.
"What's so funny?" Tseng queried, nipping at Reno's earlobe. The red-haired Turk sighed.
"Nothin'…" he said contentedly. Tseng growled.
"Good…" he purred, before capturing Reno's lips.
"Mmm…" Reno mumbled, pushing away. Tseng stopped, looking anxiously at the other Turk.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Don't you want to do this?"
Reno looked shocked.
"No, it's not that…there's someone at the door! Didn't you hear them knocking before?" he asked. Tseng blushed.
"Uh, no. I don't believe I did. My mind was elsewhere, I'm afraid…" he said, getting up. Reno slapped his ass as he walked past, making Tseng jump in fright. The Asian Turk shot him a warning glare, before opening the door. Scarlet stood there, dressed in a red catsuit, a whip in her hand. (If you've read Mixed Emotions part one and two…you'll recognize this Scarlet…ew, she's so GROSS! And to make things worse, she's still fat from those chocolate croissants she kept eating in The Bird-Poo Gun of Doom Strikes Back! ::shudder::)
"Scarlet…what the hell do you want?" Tseng asked impatiently. He had much more pleasant business to attend to…that business was sitting attentively on the couch, pulling faces at the hussy in the catsuit.
"Reno…I can see those faces…you've been a little…naughty," she said scarily. Reno yelped and hid behind the couch, as Scarlet turned her attention to Tseng.
"You know, Tseng…You're a highly attractive man…" she began. Reno peered over the top of the couch, and interrupted her.
"Gay! You forgot to say gay!" he said. Scarlet ran to Reno and whipped him.
"Bad boy! Tseng is not gay!…he just needs some Scarlet-lovin'!" she cried. Tseng cringed visibly as Scarlet rushed back to his side, squeezing his ass.
"Eep!" Tseng cried. The door opened again. Two men in white coats rushed in, grabbing Scarlet. Rufus and Cloud entered soon after, looking apologetic.
"Sorry guys…she escaped from the Shinra Asylum…it won't happen again." Cloud said, as Rufus nodded solemnly.
"We'll leave now…dreadfully sorry if she interrupted anything…" Rufus said coyly. Reno grinned.
"No prob…" he said, and the president and his other half left. The men in white coats had finally managed to restrain Scarlet, and also left the room. Scarlet could be heard screaming something about being "naughty" as she was dragged down the hallway.
"Creepy…" Tseng whispered. Reno hugged him from behind, nuzzling and trailing kisses up his neck. Tseng shivered with excitement.
"Wanna finish what we started…?" Reno whispered huskily. Tseng bit back a moan as Reno's hand began to wander. He pulled away from Reno, and looked at him, his cheeks flushed.
"Reno…" he began. The redhead cringed.
"What? What's wrong?" he asked. Tseng grinned evilly.
"If we're gonna do this…it's gonna be done my way…" he said, and Reno laughed.
"Yes master…" he whispered quietly, bowing before Tseng. "I will do as you wish…"
Tseng grinned, before capturing his lover in his arms.
"Good…" he growled, pushing Reno to the carpet, and covering him with himself. Reno blushed as he felt Tseng's arousal brush against his own.
"You know…I never thought this would happen…" Reno whispered hoarsely, voice drenched with ever-growing lust. Tseng raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Reno blushed again.
"I never thought you would want me…after all, you come from a high-class family…whereas I'm just a bum from the streets…" he said despondently. Tseng rolled off him, to his feet. He glared angrily at Reno, who lay confused on the floor.
"Oh no, not this, Reno. No self-hatred, please…" He said. Reno's confused expression turned into one of mirth.
"Oh! No, I'm alright. I know and can accept where I've come from…don't worry about it." he said. Tseng raised an eyebrow.
"You sure?" he asked. Reno nodded, then began to curl his finger in a come-hither motion. Tseng complied, curling up with Reno on the floor.
"You know…this could be the beginning of a beautiful…uh…relationship!" Reno said, and Tseng laughed.
"Yeah, I guess so…" he said.
~ * ~
* A few days later *
Rude put the pieces of his plan together. He smiled widely at his own genius.
Boy, this'll be great! Reno will be mine for sure after this!! He thought, screwing the top back onto the spray bottle.
"…I call this…Eau de Rude…" he said, his chest puffed out proudly. Rude had spent a lot of time thinking of this…kinda…and he was satisfied with the results. He had taken every smelly thing imaginable…dog turd, smelly gym socks, skunk…you name it, he used it. He took all these stinky things, and combined their essences together…to create a perfume, of sorts.
He pocketed the bottle, and headed off to find Tseng. As of late, the Asian Turk was never far from Reno's side, which disgusted and tormented Rude to no end. He had to be very careful about how he executed the mission, for failure was not an option…and he didn't want Reno getting hurt.
He went to Tseng's office first…that was the most likely place to find the two…and knocked on the door. He then steeled himself for the next part of the mission…the most important part.
~ * ~
"I think it'd be fun…only I'm not too sure about the prunes…they have a bad effect on me…" Reno muttered, looking thoughtful. Tseng shrugged.
"So we'll replace the prunes with something else…jelly?" he suggested. Reno's eyes lit up.
"Raspberry jelly?" he asked with a hopeful smile. Tseng kissed him.
"Of course…" he replied. Reno gave a loud laugh.
"Yeah! Jelly wrestling! Woo-hoo!" he exclaimed, beginning a victory dance. A knock on the door made him pause in mid-dance, and rush forward to answer it. He flung the door open wide, and saw Rude standing there, a strange glint in his eyes.
"Hey Rude…uh, why are you here? I thought you went insane…?" he asked. Rude frowned.
"No…just because I locked myself in a lab room for a week or two, everyone thinks I've gone insane…" he muttered, mainly to himself. Reno spotted the bottle in his hand, and snatched it before Rude had a chance to react.
"What's this? Cologne? Ooh, let me try some on!" he cried, poised and ready to spray the nasty stuff on himself.
"Nooooo!" Rude cried, his voice coming out in slow motion. He lunged forward, still in slow motion, making many funny faces as he tried to avoid Reno becoming a smelly Turk. But the redhead had a large smile on his face, as he turned the bottle around to face Rude.
"Oh…you…want…some…?" he asked in slow motion. Rude's eyes widened as the disgusting concoction hit him.
"Nooooo!" Rude cried again, falling backwards and slumping against the far wall. Reno's face screwed up in disgust.
"Damn…what is that funky smell?!" he exclaimed, throwing the bottle back at Rude. It smashed, and soaked Rude completely.
"Oops…sorry, Rude! Phew! You should really take a shower!! That stuff is potent!" Reno cried, slamming the door.
Tseng sniffed the air.
"Ugh! That's disgusting!"
"It's the smell of jealousy, my lover…" Reno intoned, making Tseng laugh.
"I see…oh well. Let's continue our jelly wrestling plan…I believe you were doing a victory dance, were you not? Dance!" he cried, and Reno happily frolicked around the office, ignoring the defeated Rude in the hallway.
~ * ~
Rude couldn't stand the smell that enveloped him. It was driving him insane. He leapt to his feet and tried to run away from the smell, stripping bare to try and avoid it.
Streaking through Shinra HQ is a sure way to get yourself in trouble, and sure enough, the ever-present men in white coats made their appearance, fitted with gas masks. They grabbed Rude and shoved him into the back of a van, a nice padded one. There was a nice room waiting for him in the Shinra Asylum…one that filtered the smell from the air.
I failed! I don't believe it!…looks like Reno and I just aren't meant to be together… Rude thought sadly. Maybe I'll try get Reeve…I'm sure he'll want me!
The End?
::snort::
Sorry! I know it
was major Rude-bashing, but like I said,
I didn't like Rude when I began to write it, and then decided that I'd just
finish it off.
Hope it wasn't
too bad, ya know!?