Disclaimer: All the characters used in this script are the property of George Lucas. This is only a parody that I wrote for my own amusement and am making no money/Republic Credits out of this. Please don't be offended and laugh away merrily. Lol :)
"Palpatine all the Time"
Scene One: [The opening credits roll and then the scene opens up with Emperor Palpatine sitting on his throne.]
Emperor: Good evening everyone, and welcome to my show, Palpatine all the Time. On today's show we will be showing some lost footage from the original Star Wars films. Many Bothans died, in fact, they were vaporized, to bring these tapes to you from those evil desert scavengers, the Jawas; however, the sound on these tapes is inaudible due to a vicious sandstorm, which destroyed the audio of these tapes. Anyway, let's take a look at our first tape that we have here before you this evening and as you watch it remember to let your anger and hatred flow through your veins. For with each passing moment you now make yourselves more and more my slaves-
[Vader walks past in front of Palpatine, wearing Hawaiian shorts and carrying a bottle of tequila.]
Emperor: [Hold head in shame] Oh, why do I bother!? I have a migraine! Somebody, just please roll the tapes!
Scene Two: [Vader and Luke are seen together dueling with their lightsabers. They duel on an on for what seems like forever. Vader finally chops off Luke's hand. Luke looks down at his hand on the ground, then at his nub, then again at the ground, and then his nub. He then throws both arms up into the air and opens his mouth in a scream. A Jawa then sneaks onto the screen and steals Luke's hand, running away with it. Luke follows in pursuit.]
Scene Three: [Back with the Emperor.]
Emperor: [laughing evilly] I love that film.
[The jawa then runs past in front of the Emperor carrying Luke's hand. Luke follows in pursuit.]
Emperor: Won't someone give poor ol' Luke a hand?! [laughs] Get it? Give Luke a hand! Ha, oh I kill me! Anyway, the next film I have in store for you wonderful people out there is a love scene, which was cut from an early scene in Return of the Jedi. Watch and you'll see why...
Scene Four: [C-3PO and R2-D2 are seen enjoying a romantic picnic together. Threepio slowly makes his way over to R2 and reveals to his counterpart a bouquet of roses. R2 takes the present as he lowers his third leg to the ground. Threepio then bends over to give what looks like a kiss to R2. The scene ends abruptly!]
Scene Five: [The Emperor again. Face in utter shock.]
Emperor: Well, I guess that that clears up any rumors as to Threepio and Artoo being an item. This puts new meaning to the phrase Artoo-Deetoo being See Threepio's counterpart... Our next feature, shows an elaborate musical number, which was cut because of risqué material...
Scene Six: [The Cantina with Slave Leia dancing on the bar for Jabba and many other aliens. Yoda suddenly jumps up onto the bar, pushes Leia off, and then begins to dance himself. Shaking his butt out to the crowd.]
Scene Seven: [Back with the Emperor.]
Emperor: I think that our Master Yoda has a lot of explaining to do... Well, we have one more video for you tonight; this one is a personal favorite of mine. It features a shower scene more chilling than Psycho, I hope you will agree...
Scene Eight: [Chewie is seen in the shower holding a rubber ducky, a bar of soap, and wearing a shower cap, an ewok is in there with him, holding his spear. Suddenly Chewie accidentally drops his bar of soap, but the ewok quickly disappears to retrieve it. Chewie's towel falls off in the process.]
Scene Nine: [Back with the Emperor.]
Emperor: [After regaining from the shock.] That concludes our broadcast for this evening. Tune in tomorrow, we will be discussing a recent photo in which Han Solo is seen spending a prolonged time in the bathroom; what does a single man do for three hours a bathroom? You be the judge! This might explain why he is called Han "Solo." Also an opinion poll on which way C-3PO swings! Think you know!? The answer might surprise you, or not! Goodnight, and may the Darkside be with you!
"Palpatine all the Time"
Scene One: [The opening credits roll and then the scene opens up with Emperor Palpatine sitting on his throne.]
Emperor: Good evening everyone, and welcome to my show, Palpatine all the Time. On today's show we will be showing some lost footage from the original Star Wars films. Many Bothans died, in fact, they were vaporized, to bring these tapes to you from those evil desert scavengers, the Jawas; however, the sound on these tapes is inaudible due to a vicious sandstorm, which destroyed the audio of these tapes. Anyway, let's take a look at our first tape that we have here before you this evening and as you watch it remember to let your anger and hatred flow through your veins. For with each passing moment you now make yourselves more and more my slaves-
[Vader walks past in front of Palpatine, wearing Hawaiian shorts and carrying a bottle of tequila.]
Emperor: [Hold head in shame] Oh, why do I bother!? I have a migraine! Somebody, just please roll the tapes!
Scene Two: [Vader and Luke are seen together dueling with their lightsabers. They duel on an on for what seems like forever. Vader finally chops off Luke's hand. Luke looks down at his hand on the ground, then at his nub, then again at the ground, and then his nub. He then throws both arms up into the air and opens his mouth in a scream. A Jawa then sneaks onto the screen and steals Luke's hand, running away with it. Luke follows in pursuit.]
Scene Three: [Back with the Emperor.]
Emperor: [laughing evilly] I love that film.
[The jawa then runs past in front of the Emperor carrying Luke's hand. Luke follows in pursuit.]
Emperor: Won't someone give poor ol' Luke a hand?! [laughs] Get it? Give Luke a hand! Ha, oh I kill me! Anyway, the next film I have in store for you wonderful people out there is a love scene, which was cut from an early scene in Return of the Jedi. Watch and you'll see why...
Scene Four: [C-3PO and R2-D2 are seen enjoying a romantic picnic together. Threepio slowly makes his way over to R2 and reveals to his counterpart a bouquet of roses. R2 takes the present as he lowers his third leg to the ground. Threepio then bends over to give what looks like a kiss to R2. The scene ends abruptly!]
Scene Five: [The Emperor again. Face in utter shock.]
Emperor: Well, I guess that that clears up any rumors as to Threepio and Artoo being an item. This puts new meaning to the phrase Artoo-Deetoo being See Threepio's counterpart... Our next feature, shows an elaborate musical number, which was cut because of risqué material...
Scene Six: [The Cantina with Slave Leia dancing on the bar for Jabba and many other aliens. Yoda suddenly jumps up onto the bar, pushes Leia off, and then begins to dance himself. Shaking his butt out to the crowd.]
Scene Seven: [Back with the Emperor.]
Emperor: I think that our Master Yoda has a lot of explaining to do... Well, we have one more video for you tonight; this one is a personal favorite of mine. It features a shower scene more chilling than Psycho, I hope you will agree...
Scene Eight: [Chewie is seen in the shower holding a rubber ducky, a bar of soap, and wearing a shower cap, an ewok is in there with him, holding his spear. Suddenly Chewie accidentally drops his bar of soap, but the ewok quickly disappears to retrieve it. Chewie's towel falls off in the process.]
Scene Nine: [Back with the Emperor.]
Emperor: [After regaining from the shock.] That concludes our broadcast for this evening. Tune in tomorrow, we will be discussing a recent photo in which Han Solo is seen spending a prolonged time in the bathroom; what does a single man do for three hours a bathroom? You be the judge! This might explain why he is called Han "Solo." Also an opinion poll on which way C-3PO swings! Think you know!? The answer might surprise you, or not! Goodnight, and may the Darkside be with you!