Let It Rain - [Kay's Story]
Chapter One - One Week After
By Anne----~8~----
Kay looked blankly at the ceiling.
It was Sunday.
A week after they died.
Today was their memorial.
Kay didn't want to go.
She spent mostly the whole week like this. The only time she went outside was on Sunday. The police came by and asked her some questions. She was sitting on the porch with the lemonade her mother made that day.
Kay just looked at them. Even as they persisted, she never said a word. The police left her alone.
Hank flew in that day. He was in Virginia on a business trip. After he heard, he rushed home to find Kay watching the TV. But nothing was on. It was pure snow. Kay still watched. Hank couldn't snap her out of it.
Kay stayed in her room for the rest of the week in her bed. She thought about many things. It all went back to that day.
Though she complained and often sulked, she loved her family. She could not deny it.... At times, she felt apart of them. Sometimes, she felt alone. Not as alone as she really was when the accident happened.
School. She was a senior. Supposedly, it should have been the best year of her life. It was hard enough going back to school being the black sheep and all. It would be impossible to go back now. Kay wanted to drop out without looking back. Hank would never let her.
One month ago felt like yesterday.
One week ago felt like now.
Kay tried to close her eyes and block out all her thoughts. She wanted to think about nothing for once. It worked for the most part. She did not cry since the car exploded. Tears meant that she felt something. Kay did not want to feel anything.
Hank was knocking on her door. Kay knew it was him since he was the only one who could approach her. He was the only one who would approach her.
He came in since the door was left unlocked. Kay didn't look at him. Getting a chair from Jessica's desk, he sat by Kay's bed.
Hank hoped Kay would say something. Anything that showed that she was alive. Kay didn't say a word. Hank gave a frustrated sigh and scratched his head. It felt like a routine now.
"Kay... You need to get ready," Hank whispered, "You gotta say goodbye."
She didn't respond.
Hank tried to change the mood. A fake smile lit up his face. "C'mon kiddo.... Get dressed. I picked out a dress for you... I wasn't sure of your size, but the lady sai-"
"Stop trying Uncle Hank. Just stop," said Kay as she looked at him lifelessly, "I'm not going to the memorial." Hank nearly jumped out of his skin. From shock that Kay actually spoke, but mostly because of her eyes. They were dead.
"I..I-think you need to go," Hank stuttered, "You need to accept that they're gone."
"I was there." Kay said in a matter of fact tone, "I know they're gone." Her gaze shifted from hank back up to the ceiling.
A lump formed in Hank's throat. It was never suppose to be like this. They were never supposed to die. They were never supposed to leave him with Kay, alone. He didn't know how to help Kay... Sam was suppose to know how. Sam was her father. Not him. But he wasn't here. Hank rubbed his eyes harshly.
"Please... just don't bottle this up inside yourself, Kay. You'll kill yourself." Hank said desperately as he stood up from the chair.
Kay turned slowly to look at him.
"Maybe... Maybe I want to kill myself." She closed her eyes.
Hank looked at his niece helplessly. He couldn't save her on his own. He needed help.
For a few minutes, silence filled the room. Hank was trying to gather his bearings. Kay was hoping he would leave.
"You don't have to go if you don't want to Kay. It's your choice," Hank said reluctantly after a while. He didn't want to leave her alone for one second. He had no choice, though.
"Thank you, Uncle Hank," Kay said softly as she rolled away from him on her bed. He nodded and put the chair away.
Kay heard his soft footsteps approach the door. Biting her lip, she hoped he wouldn't pressure her into going anyway. He didn't. Instead, he walked out the door. Just as he was about to close it, he said, "If you change your mind..."
"I know. I know where the church is." He closed the door. She was finally alone again. Kay squeezed her eyes shut. She hoped the pain would soon go away.
No, she couldn't say goodbye. There was no way she could. She needed... Kay wasn't sure. The memorial service wouldn't give her what she needed. Tossing her family's ashes into the harbor wasn't she needed. Her uncle meant well, but he didn't understand. No one would.
Kay sighed and let her exhausted body fall asleep.
----~8~----
It was a hot summer day. It was perfect weather for the beach and she was never so happy to be here. Kay never felt so tall, so proud in her life. She was sitting on top of her dad's shoulders, giggling and laughing. Her dad matched her looks with a smile and laugh of his own. Kay didn't want to go home. He started to spinning around and Kay began to get dizzy. It was a fun dizzy feeling though as her tiny hands went around her dad's neck.
"Daddy! Stop it." a toothless Kay exclaimed as her dad continued to turn around and chuckle. Her dad did what she asked, however, and tilted his head up to look at Kay.
"What's wrong sweetie? You're feeling dizzy?" he asked in his low baritone voice.
Kay nodded yes. "My stomach hurt, daddy. Put me down." Her dad put Kay down gently and stooped to her eye level.
"Thank you for telling me Kay. You do know you can tell me anything, right? Even if it means getting into trouble."
Kay giggled. Silly daddy! "Uh huh. Yeah, I know that. I wanna go back to mommy." She gave an adoring smile. Another toothless one. Her dad held out his large hand and took in Kay's.
"Yeah, let's go back to mommy," He replied as they began to walk on the beach sand barefoot.
"Do you like your job?" Kay asked him after they walked down a little of the way. Her dad looked down to her and gave a small smile. "Yeah, I love my job." His eyes clouded as he said it. Kay frowned slightly.
"What's wrong daddy?" Kay asked him searchingly. Her dad didn't seem happy about his job.
He gave her a beaming smile, and the once cloudy eyes were clear again. "Nothing is wrong. I just love you, Noah, Jessica, and your mom more. That's all. Sometimes, my job can get dangerous."
Kay frowned again. Dangerous? What did that mean? "What's da-danervous?" Kay stuttered out. Her dad stopped walking and bent down to look her straight in the eye.
"Dan-ger-ous," Her father carefully accented out for her, "is big, very big trouble. When you're a cop, you get into big trouble a lot."
"Trouble is bad. Why do you get into trouble?" Kay asked, confused. "Mommy said that you should never get into trouble."
"It's my job," Sam said sadly, "and I want you guys to get everything you need and want. Always remember that I love you, Kay."
Her dad was scaring her. Kay didn't know why. "I know that, daddy."
Her father hugged her and looked at her again. "Just promise anyway for me, Kay."
"I promise that I will always love you." Kay said proudly with a smile, "Is that okay?"
Her father chuckled emotionally. "Yeah, it's okay. C'mon. Let's go back to your mother."
----~8~----
Then she woke up.
Something inside of her snapped.
Her little alarm clock was glowing 9:48 PM. She missed the memorial. Sitting up in darkness, Kay listened quietly for something. Hank was downstairs in the kitchen. She could hear the little TV set and water coming from the sink.
Slowly, Kay dragged herself out of bed. Her legs felt weak. It took a while to stand up, but somehow she did. Kay reached under the bed and grabbed some pair of sneakers. Putting them on quietly, Kay picked up her diary from the floor beside the garbage can. She had not touched it since the explosion. It felt useless... Until now.
She crept out of her bedroom door with a jacket. She didn't check her appearance. Kay didn't want to see her reflection. She looked a mess and she knew it.
She went in Charity's room quietly and walked quickly to the window. Opening the window, she climbed out and slowly came down the tree. As her feet hit the ground, Kay looked once more at her home. She didn't want Hank to worry, but she needed to leave the house. There was no way he was going to understand her. Kay didn't understand herself.
She started to run through the neighborhood. It was familiar to her since it wasn't the first time she ever ran. Kay ran when she needed to think. She had a lot to think about.
Kay had no clue where she was going. She was going to let her feet guide her this time. Kay's hair was flying around her. She hated that. Kay mildly noted that her scrunchie was sitting on top of her dresser. She didn't care.
The beach was starting to come into focus. She ran faster until she came to the front entrance. It was locked.
When she was younger, she used to sneak in the beach with Miguel. It was mostly during the winter when it was day. It was their secret.
Biting her lip, she silently prayed that the town didn't fix the weak fencing. There was some loose sand that allowed them to dig and push the fence up. Lightly she smiled as she found the spot.
After coming through the hole, which felt a lot smaller than when she was younger, Kay looked around. It looked the same, but it didn't feel the same.
After taking off her sneakers, she slowly walked down to where the memory took place. It felt like lifetimes ago. But she wanted it to be yesterday.
She sat down on the sand. As the waves crashed back and forth soothingly, she took out her diary. Taking a pen out of her jacket pocket, she began to write.
The words floated effortlessly on to the paper.
After putting all her feelings in the diary, she slowly closed it. Kay wasn't going to read over what she just wrote. Instead, she put it beside her and watched the waves. Since it was still spring, the cold ocean made the air more cooler. The salty smell of the ocean invaded her and she finally relaxed. Maybe this was what she needed to go on. Even if it was for today.
She took off her jacket and laid it down on the sand. After finally getting comfortable, Kay began to think. Why was she still here? Why were they gone?
"It must be a mistake," Kay softly said as she yawned. "Has to be."
Those thoughts gently put Kay into a dreamless sleep.
- - - -
I didn't go the memorial today. I made my decision a few days ago. I don't think I could take the whole town looking down on me and handle the service. Uncle Hank is disappointed in me. I don't want him to be disappointed... But I can't just face it.
I know the whole town hates me. Honestly, that's part of the reason why I didn't go. What could I say or do? They all know the accident between me and Charity. She was like the golden angel with the halo... It'd be a crime if I was there at her memorial. They'd lock me out.
I never felt so shut out in my life. I regret it all. But regrets don't fix a damn thing.
I never thought I'd miss them so much. They were apart of me even though I felt like the oddball. Maybe I never was.
It's too late anyway. They're gone. Just when I needed them the most, they're gone. I wish I was in the car with them. I wouldn't feel this bad. I wouldn't have to face this alone.
I have to get out of here. I got to.
- Kay Bennett
April 22, 2001
----~8~----