CLIPPINGS FROM THE DAILY PROPHET
Clipped by Eggplant
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Dear Editor
I note that in the pages of The Daily Profit there is much speculation and disagreement over exactly what Harry Potter's last words were. From his first year at Hogwarts Mr. Potter always thought of me as a second father, so nothing could please me more than to inflate his already considerable legend by confirming some of the profound and moving dying words attributed to him. However I feel it is my duty to history to set the record straight. I was as close to Mr. Potter as anyone when he expired and although his voice was weak I could understand him well enough and I can tell you that Harry Potter said absolutely nothing of the slightest importance, he just said goodbye.
Professor Severus Snape
I was dismayed but not particularly surprised to learn from professor Snape's contemptuous letter that even death will not end his vendetta against Harry, after all he hated Harry's father too. I have personally witnessed cruelty and gross unfairness directed at Harry by professor Snape on countless occasions. Far from being a "second father" I feel certain there is no one at Hogwarts he detested more. And he was not as near to Harry when he died as he would have people believe. I treasure Harry's last words but they were privet, meant only for his wife, my husband and myself. I will never reveal what he said to anybody and certainly not to a rag like the Daily Profit.
Hermione Weasley
I've just read Snape's stupid letter and that bit about being a second father to Harry made me want to vomit. Harry hated your guts Snape but not as much as you hated him. You are so full of [expletive deleted], Harry's friends wouldn't let you get anywhere near him, there is no way the last thing that Harry saw was going to be your ugly greasy [expletive deleted] face! And what Harry said is none of your [expletive deleted] business so go [expletive deleted] and the horse you road in on!
Ronald Weasley
It is my greatest wish that my son enter Hogwarts just as soon as he's old enough, but if Severus Snape is still employed at that institution I'd be forced to send him to one of the very good schools in Japan or America.
Ginny Potter
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As you probably know Molly Weasley's book has been number one on the wizard's best seller list for 47 straight weeks now, but this is the first negative review of that rather wonderful book I've seen. The Daily Prophet people won't be happy about having their copyrighted review posted here but they can't sue me, my real name isn't eggplant.
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BOTTOM OF THE BIRDCAGE
by Severus Snape *
It seems that anyone who had even a passing acquaintance with the man is writing a book about Harry Potter, and people are actually reading the silly things too. This dismal avalanche of stale books and the unhealthy fascination the wizarding world has for Potter is a puzzlement. Far from being the most naturally talented wizard in a thousand years as many ludicrously call Harry Potter, his defeat of lord Vold****t probably had as much to do with luck as anything else, and he didn't even survive the encounter. The latest addition to this distressing trend is by Molly Weasley [MY HARRY; Popular Witchcraft Press; 236 pages, 5 galleons] Even though both books are about Potter and both are flawed nobody could confuse this insipid fluff with the scholarly tome written by her daughter in law Hermione Weasley [HARRY'S WAR, The Life And Times of Harry Potter; Hogwarts University Press; 1866 pages, 35 galleons]. At least Molly Weasley makes no pretence of being an objective impartial observer of history, she makes it clear she was always fond of Mr Potter, and after he was of some assistance to her daughter who got into a bit of trouble when she was in her first year at Hogwarts, her motherly feelings toward him really went into high gear. I'll spare you the boring details.
However the book is not totally without entertainment value, in one unintentionally hilarious scene immediately after he finishes the Tri-Wizard tournament, mighty heroic Harry Potter is depicted as crying like a baby in the arms of Mrs Weasley. It seems that Harry Potter had a guilty conscience about the death of Cedric Diggory. Now that's interesting, but she does not explore this intriguing revelation in greater detail, rather we are treated to page after page of tedious preparations for the marriage between Mr Potter and Mrs Weasley's daughter. From reading the book I'm sure Mrs Weasley found these activities delightful, but why the author thought anyone else would be interested in such an unimportant matter is a mystery, after all it never amounted to anything, the marriage only lasted a month. The only part of this long boring chapter of any interest is when she overhears Potter casually say to her son Ronald that he wants to write a will and get married as soon as possible because he doesn't expect to live much longer. It seems to me to be the height of irresponsibility to marry and father a child if you expected to get killed soon, but Mrs Weasley has perversely chosen to interpret this as heroism.
Mrs. Weasley goes on and on page after uninteresting page about Mr Potter's death by lord Vold****t and the effect it had on his wife and friends, no doubt she was aiming for epic tragedy but what she achieved was maudlin claptrap. This dumpy little woman would do well to stay in the kitchen and leave the writing of books to those who have an aptitude for it.
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- Severus Snape is the potions master at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry. His book "Manufactured Hero, the Building of the Potter Myth" will be published early next year by Slytherin Press.
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[The day after the above review was published I found this report also in The Daily Prophet, and on page one] eggplant.
STRANGE MALADY AFFLICTS PROFESSOR
Professor Severus Snape was taken ill today as he was giving the first of a series of planed public lectures promoting his upcoming book about Harry Potter. Ronald Weasley was in the audience at the time and talked to reporters. Obviously struggling to keep his voice under control he said "It's all so very sad, he had just opened his mouth to start the lecture when his tongue started to swell, in less than a minute it was 4 feet long, then he started running around the stage dragging his tongue behind him making this odd little squeaking sound. I just happened to have my camera with me at the time and got a shot of it "see photo on page 1" I of course have absolutely no idea what could have caused such a thing, I've never seen anything like it before in my life. It's a shame, a real shame, my entire family was so looking forward to hearing what the professor had to say about Harry. You'll have to excuse me now as I wipe a tear from my eye." Mr. Weasley's brothers Fred and George were also in the audience but were too overcome with emotion to speak to reporters. Doctors say the tongue will return to normal size in a day or two but have no explanation of why it grew so large. Professor Snape has indicated he has no plans to continue lecturing in the immediate future.
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Neville Longbottom the head of the antitrust division of the department of magic said today that his department was charging Weasley Industries with anti competitive practices. Weasley Industries is the parent company of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes the phenomenally successful chain of joke shops that has made Fred and George Weasley the two richest wizards in the world. The brothers opened one tiny shop in Hogsmead less than 5 years ago and their growth has been nothing less than astonishing. Today they dominate, some say monopolize, the entire joke industry.
In a press conference today minister Longbottom said "The company has engaged in predatory pricing and other unfair monopolistic practices. Every jokester feels that having a good supply of Canary Creams and Ton Tongue Toffee is absolutely essential, so in it must be admitted brilliant marketing move, the Weasley brothers started to gave away Whoopee Cushions and plastic vomit with each purchase. Independent producers like International Whoopee Cushion and Asia Pacific Plastic Vomit just could not compete with a tie in with fundamental products that every prankster is virtually forced to buy. Their main retail competitor, Zonkos joke shop, tried to counter with Peanut Parrots and Big Tongue Gum but the Weasley brothers successfully sued Zonkos for patent infringement and Zonkos was forced to file for bankruptcy, leaving the brothers virtually the only remaining force in this
Continued on page A6
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The musical stylings of Percy Weasley have made him the most popular singer of romantic ballads of his generation, now this beloved minstrel he has written a book of tender love poems. "It Might Be Verse" is available at all Flourish And Blots locations.
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continued from page 1
very important sector of our economy." The ministry is trying to force Weasley Industries to split into two companies that would compete with each other. In a statement to reporters Fred Weasley said "From the beginning all my brother and I have tried to do is make a funny product that a jokester can afford. We think it's a pity minister Longbottom does not understand this but we look forward to proving it in a court of law". If a out of court settlement can not be agreed on a long and very complicated trial could start in about a year.
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Martin Miggs in the books is a little boy who can do no witchcraft but overcomes all sorts of exotic and fanciful dangers with nothing to help him but intelligence and courage. Mr. Malfoy is 23 years old but due to a unfortunate accident during a unsuccessful attempt to make another Philosopher's Stone looks like he's about 12. The latest book in this controversial series is "Martin Miggs And The Tax Audit" and is considered by many to be too frightening for younger readers. Conservative wizards, including Mr. Malfoy's own father also claim that by having the hero solve problems without sorcery the series promotes un-wizarding values and is corrupting our youth. Mr. Malfoy's only comment was "A job is a job".
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[Two weeks after the above was published I found this]
A PROFESSOR RESIGNS
Severus Snape the potions master at Hogwarts has resigned from that school so he could accept the position of Vice President Of Special Projects at Weasley Industries. George Weasley told The Daily Prophet "My brother and I have known Severus for many years and feel he can make a unique contribution to our management team at this important moment in our company's history." He did not say if this was related to the anti trust difficulties the company is having.