There once was a vampire. Not a very good vampire, but
a vampire. Her name was Draculeila. Okay, so I'm not
very creative with names, but that makes it all the
more interesting, right? Wrong. Don't read this. Run
away while you still can. Hurry. RUN! AAAAAAAAAAH!
So anyway, Draculeila was a vampire. Who sucked blood.
Vampires do that. Have I clarified that Draculeila was
a vampire yet? Um... So Draculeila the Vampire Who
Sucked Blood was having a problem one day.
"I am having a problem one day. I mean, today. The
problem I am having is specifically on this day, April
2, 2001. That is the day that my problem is ocurring."
Draculeila the Schizophrenic Vampire who Sucked Blood
happily said to herself. It was then that she forgot
the problem that she was having that day and began to
drink from a glass of dark blue liquid.
"ALIEN blood," she informed her kitchen cabinet.
Andrew Jackson had a kitchen cabinet, too, y'know. All
the greats do. If you don't have a kitchen cabinet,
you are no longer permitted to read. You should have
stopped a long time ago anyway. Nevermind, shush.
Read.
Now comes the plot of this idiotic tale of an idiotic
idiot and her idiocy.
SUDDENLY, meaning out of nowhere, abrupt, or sudden
with the "ly" after it, a mummy crashed through the
door. Draculeila stared uncertainly. She thought a
moment, then thoughtfully said what she was
thoughfully thinking in her thoughtful yet somewhat
hollow little brain.
"Why are you wrapped in toilet paper. OH! Mommy? How'd
you know we were out? Cuz I just got out of the
bathroom though the author didn't write about it
because she isn't THAT perverted and I couldn't find
any so I had to use---"
"DON'T tell me," came the husky voice of the decaying
freak wrapped in TP.
"Mommy, your voice sounds different. Are you sick?"
"Actually, I am a mummy. And this isn't toilet paper.
It's gauze."
"But I've called you 'mommy' all my life!" Draculeila
protested. "And what are we going to do with gauze? We
need toilet paper!"
"All the better to smell you with."
"...What?"
"Go now, to grandmother's house."
"....OKAY!" Draculeila picked up a picnic basket full
of goodies that appeared out of nowhere and skipped
out the door swinging it happily.
Somewhere in the middle of Yonder Woods, poor
unfortunate Draculeila ran into The Big Bad Werewolf.
"Hi!" Draculeila greeted.
"Why hello, Miss," the B.B.Ww smiled in return. "Would
you like to buy this lovely cow?" he pointed to a
brown cow behind him that appeared out of nowhere.
"Hm..." she pondered over this. "Cow, eh? How much?"
"Three magic beans."
"You drive a hard bargain, Mister." Draculeila dug in
her trenchcoat pocket and pulled out three moldy
blackbeans. "I'll take it!"
Draculeila continued walking to grandmother's house,
balancing the cow on her head and swinging the basket.
Don't ask me or yourself how she managed to do this,
a) you'll confuse yourself and your brain will explode
and b) I don't know, leave me alone.
...So Draculeila was ALMOST to her grandmother's house
when Tweedle Dee and Dweedle Tee jumped in front of
her.
"You may not pass," Tweedle Dee aid in a robotic
voice.
"Whyyyyy?"
"Because."
"Oh. Okay!"
"Wait," Dweedle Tee called as Draculeila was about to
turn away. "You may pass if you succeed."
"What?"
"One of us lies and one of us tells the truth. You
have to guess which is which."
"I lie," Tweedle Dee said. Dweedle Tee elbowed him
hard in the stomach.
"Okay! Hey... wait a second... how do I know you
aren't telling the truth?" she shot them both accusing
glances.
"Because I wouldn't say I lie if I told the truth."
"But if you were telling the truth about lying, then
you're being honest. If the other robot dude said he
was telling the truth he could be lying about that."
"...Oh. Um... proceed then..."
Draculeila led her cow a little further and just as
she was about to knock on the door to grandmother's
house it was Jahnava's bedtime and the story ended.
Nighty-night.
The End.
a vampire. Her name was Draculeila. Okay, so I'm not
very creative with names, but that makes it all the
more interesting, right? Wrong. Don't read this. Run
away while you still can. Hurry. RUN! AAAAAAAAAAH!
So anyway, Draculeila was a vampire. Who sucked blood.
Vampires do that. Have I clarified that Draculeila was
a vampire yet? Um... So Draculeila the Vampire Who
Sucked Blood was having a problem one day.
"I am having a problem one day. I mean, today. The
problem I am having is specifically on this day, April
2, 2001. That is the day that my problem is ocurring."
Draculeila the Schizophrenic Vampire who Sucked Blood
happily said to herself. It was then that she forgot
the problem that she was having that day and began to
drink from a glass of dark blue liquid.
"ALIEN blood," she informed her kitchen cabinet.
Andrew Jackson had a kitchen cabinet, too, y'know. All
the greats do. If you don't have a kitchen cabinet,
you are no longer permitted to read. You should have
stopped a long time ago anyway. Nevermind, shush.
Read.
Now comes the plot of this idiotic tale of an idiotic
idiot and her idiocy.
SUDDENLY, meaning out of nowhere, abrupt, or sudden
with the "ly" after it, a mummy crashed through the
door. Draculeila stared uncertainly. She thought a
moment, then thoughtfully said what she was
thoughfully thinking in her thoughtful yet somewhat
hollow little brain.
"Why are you wrapped in toilet paper. OH! Mommy? How'd
you know we were out? Cuz I just got out of the
bathroom though the author didn't write about it
because she isn't THAT perverted and I couldn't find
any so I had to use---"
"DON'T tell me," came the husky voice of the decaying
freak wrapped in TP.
"Mommy, your voice sounds different. Are you sick?"
"Actually, I am a mummy. And this isn't toilet paper.
It's gauze."
"But I've called you 'mommy' all my life!" Draculeila
protested. "And what are we going to do with gauze? We
need toilet paper!"
"All the better to smell you with."
"...What?"
"Go now, to grandmother's house."
"....OKAY!" Draculeila picked up a picnic basket full
of goodies that appeared out of nowhere and skipped
out the door swinging it happily.
Somewhere in the middle of Yonder Woods, poor
unfortunate Draculeila ran into The Big Bad Werewolf.
"Hi!" Draculeila greeted.
"Why hello, Miss," the B.B.Ww smiled in return. "Would
you like to buy this lovely cow?" he pointed to a
brown cow behind him that appeared out of nowhere.
"Hm..." she pondered over this. "Cow, eh? How much?"
"Three magic beans."
"You drive a hard bargain, Mister." Draculeila dug in
her trenchcoat pocket and pulled out three moldy
blackbeans. "I'll take it!"
Draculeila continued walking to grandmother's house,
balancing the cow on her head and swinging the basket.
Don't ask me or yourself how she managed to do this,
a) you'll confuse yourself and your brain will explode
and b) I don't know, leave me alone.
...So Draculeila was ALMOST to her grandmother's house
when Tweedle Dee and Dweedle Tee jumped in front of
her.
"You may not pass," Tweedle Dee aid in a robotic
voice.
"Whyyyyy?"
"Because."
"Oh. Okay!"
"Wait," Dweedle Tee called as Draculeila was about to
turn away. "You may pass if you succeed."
"What?"
"One of us lies and one of us tells the truth. You
have to guess which is which."
"I lie," Tweedle Dee said. Dweedle Tee elbowed him
hard in the stomach.
"Okay! Hey... wait a second... how do I know you
aren't telling the truth?" she shot them both accusing
glances.
"Because I wouldn't say I lie if I told the truth."
"But if you were telling the truth about lying, then
you're being honest. If the other robot dude said he
was telling the truth he could be lying about that."
"...Oh. Um... proceed then..."
Draculeila led her cow a little further and just as
she was about to knock on the door to grandmother's
house it was Jahnava's bedtime and the story ended.
Nighty-night.
The End.