INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
A worker puts up a giant poster of Harrison -- it's a nice, smiling portrait and reads "PRESIDENT JOE" underneath it.
JOSH and LILY walk down the halls as other workers continue plastering the halls with the posters.
LILY
O.k., this is getting weirder by the
minute.
JOSH
Tell me about it -- you know, I heard
Mary Cherry's changing the name of
the school to Kennedy Cherry High!
Next thing you know she'll be makin' us
wear fur trimmed uniforms.
LILY
I would go naked if that ever happened.
JOSH
Maybe I should suggest it then.
She giggles and playfully smacks him.
JOSH (cont'd)
Look babe, my bladder's screamin' for release
-- meet ya in the lunchroom?
LILY
Sure, no prob --
Just then, Josh crashes into someone -- a kid who looks pretty angry at the world.
JOSH
Whoa, sorry --
QUICK ZOOM OUT to a HUGE line snaking from the door to the boy's bathroom.
JOSH (cont'd)
What the...? This isn't the girl's bathroom,
is it?
LILY
Oh...my God, what's going on in there?
Josh spots SUGAR DADDY coming out.
JOSH
Hey, there's Sug, maybe he can tell us why
the line's so damned long. Hey...Sug!
They make their way up to a smiling, jubilant Sugar Daddy.
JOSH (cont'd)
What's goin' on in there, man? Why's the line look
like the line at Cranky's on free java night?
SUGAR DADDY
DUDE! Homegirl Mary Cherry's installed PHAT
boards in the boy's room! We got P2 in every
stall and black leather couches, man! She even
gave me plastic override on the timers 'cuz
we're tight!
He holds up a plastic ID-like card in his fingers. Josh smiles and high fives him.
JOSH
ALL RIGHT!
LILY
This qualifies as beyond weird. I've gotta
see this --
She moves to enter but is blocked by a large man in a black suit wearing CIA sunglasses.
MAN IN BLACK
Sorry, Miss. This is a guys only mack pad.
LILY
(huffs)
What disgusting, sexist --
(smacks his arm)
Josh, will you say something?
The man robotically cocks his head to Josh.
MAN IN BLACK
You Josh Ford?
JOSH
Uh...yeah, why?
The man reaches into his pocket and hands him a card like Sugar Daddy's.
MAN IN BLACK
Miss Cherry authorized a card for you,
too.
Josh takes it, smiles. The man moves aside, allowing for Lily and Josh to enter...
ZOOM OUT from Josh's approving smile and Lily's horrified expression as the boy's room looks completely made over to look like the ultimate bachelor pad. Some students moan and come out of the stalls as their Playstation games automatically turn off.
JOSH
NICE!
Lily looks at him with disgust and leaves.
INT. KENNEDY HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA - DAY
SAM and BROOKE sit at lunch. Sam sips her Starbucks as she watches Brooke write.
SAM
Are you writing another wuve note to
yer mayan?
BROOKE
Noooooo --
SAM
Mm. Liar.
BROOKE
No, really -- it's not. I'm just rewriting
the specs for the junior prom, since
Mary Cherry's insisting that it take place
in the gym.
SAM
That's strange, considering the Cherrifying
overhaul of the whole school.
BROOKE
It's just a compromise. So much money's
already going into other things, so...I'm
o.k. with it.
LILY sits down.
SAM
Hey Lil.
LILY
Hey.
BROOKE
Hey...I thought Josh was meeting us.
LILY
Well, Josh probably won't even show up,
considering the fact that Mary Cherry turned
the boy's bathroom into a huge playground.
SAM
What?
LILY
She installed Playstation in every stall and
completely made it into the most sexist
bachelor pad I've ever seen!
SAM
(throws her head back)
Oh God, as if the name change isn't bad enough --
BROOKE
Wait, wait -- she's really changing the school's name?
MARY CHERRY
Hey Brookie! Lil' Lily! Spam.
MARY CHERRY and CARMEN come by and sit down, both holding Starbuck's coffee cups.
MARY CHERRY
Now Brookie, don't forget to arrive a little early
for Glamazon practice, as we have a fitting with
the Mr. Tom Ford for our fabulous new threads!
BROOKE
Sure. Um, are you really changing the name
of the school?
MARY CHERRY
Of course...you know I always wanted to be a
Kennedy!
LILY
How could you sit there so glib like that when you
know that you're diliberately causing a
distraction for the male students at Kennedy
High --
MARY CHERRY
Kennedy Cherry High.
LILY
Whatever. And where did you guys get the
Starbuck's?
SAM
Um...over there.
Sam points to the new Starbucks stand in the front of the cafeteria.
Lily sighs.
MARY CHERRY
Now now, lolligirl. The vast improvement
that I am making by providing the students
with a safe, fun environment in which to
nurture their college prepatory education
is not limited to the male populus.
She hands Lily a card.
LILY
Free makeovers?
MARY CHERRY
Fer the prom, silly! Y'all wanna look as stunning
as I do fer yer dates, right?
LILY
Whatever.
BROOKE
Speaking of dates...Sam?
SAM
Sorry, I dunno what you're talking
about.
CARMEN
Wait -- you don't have a date for the
prom yet?
SAM
Nope -- I'm taking the solo flight.
LILY
What about Harrison?
MARY CHERRY
Oh! My poor misguided soul, Joe.
BROOKE
What's wrong?
MARY CHERRY
I'm afraid that the absolute power of
the presidency that I have bestowed
upon him has driven him insane!
CARMEN
It's not that bad.
MARY CHERRY
It's worse than bad, it's catastrophic!
The kids look at her in confusion.
CARMEN
She doesn't agree with Harrison's choice for
Vice President.
BROOKE
Why, who's his choice?
CUT TO the other side of the lunchroom where
NICOLE sits alone at lunch, with nothing but water and a pack of broken crackers on her tray. HARRISON slides his butt down across from her.
HARRISON
Hey there...you're lookin' a
little pale, sis.
NICOLE
Yeah well, despite the thousand
watt lightbulbs Mary Cherry installed
in the Novak, I still couldn't fix anything.
(pauses)
I'm just having a bad face day, that's all.
HARRISON
Yeah. Well...you still look beautiful.
Nicole raises her eyebrow.
HARRISON (cont'd)
Well, you know what I mean -- beautiful
in a totally non-sexual way --
NICOLE
Yeah, whatever.
(pauses)
So what brings you by today? Come to
gloat about your Cherry picked presidency?
Harrison's expression softens.
HARRISON
No...not at all.
(pauses)
I actually came by to ask you a couple of
questions. But if this is a bad time --
NICOLE
It's always going to be a bad time, so...
shoot.
HARRISON
I...I wanted to know if you'll be my
vice president.
NICOLE
You've got to be kidding.
HARRISON
I'm serious, Nicole -- look...you n' me --
we'd make a great team!
NICOLE
Like Bill and Monica.
HARRISON
I...I know that whole video thing's still
a sore spot for you, but look around...it's
old news. No one cares anymore. Now it's just
time for us to --
NICOLE
Bond as brother and sister? Yeah, right,
sorry -- I've got things on my mind other
than Angelina Jolie-ing myself for the
sake of sibling reconciliation.
HARRISON
Nicole, please...I...I need you.
She huffs.
HARRISON (cont'd)
I'm serious. I need an intelligent, strong-willed
woman by my side when I'm issuing my
executive orders.
He pauses as he studies her expression.
HARRISON (cont'd)
So what do you say? Will you be my Hillary?
Nicole thinks for a moment, then looks into his eyes.
NICOLE
What can it hurt?
HARRISON
Yes!
NICOLE
All right, all right...now what was your other
question?
He looks at her, his eyes wide...and then looks away.
NICOLE (cont'd)
Well? You've cleared one hurdle, why stop now?
HARRISON
I...wanted to know if you'd go to the prom with
me.
Nicole, stunned, looks at him for moment -- then breaks into genuine laughter. He starts to laugh.
HARRISON (cont'd)
(through her laughter)
That was a good one, wasn't it?
Nicole, through her laughter, nods. Harrison's expression melts to serious. Nicole sees that and hers melts also.
NICOLE
You're serious, aren't you.
HARRISON
Yeah.
(pauses)
Why not? It wouldn't be the first time
a brother took his sister to the prom.
NICOLE
Not in West Virginia, no.
He pauses as she looks away.
HARRISON
You...already have a date.
NICOLE
What, with me being the school's
biggest Jerry Springer trailer skank?
I don't think so.
HARRISON
Then what's stopping us?
(pauses)
Look...you already know how I...felt
about you. If we weren't...related and
we were dating, I'd be --
NICOLE
You'd be ridiculed as Nicole Julian's
latest conquest. 'Nuff said.
HARRISON
What I was gonna say is that I'd be
on top of the world. And now...now I
feel like I'm inches away from that feeling,
knowing that I have you as my sister.
(pauses)
Please...can we start over?
Nicole hesitates.
CUT BACK TO
SAM'S TABLE, where Lily watches Harrison and Nicole talk. Mary Cherry seems to have left.
LILY
I can't believe he would even ask that
conniving little Linda Tripp to be his V.P.
CARMEN
Lily...she's his sister.
Brooke immerses herself in her writing.
LILY
Yes, but still --
CARMEN
But still what? I for one think it's a
great idea for Harrison...and Nicole...
to put the past behind them and make
peace as siblings...like Brooke and Sam
have.
LILY
(shrugs)
I guess. But speaking of Sam...you
never answered our question.
SAM
What question?
LILY
About Harrison as a potential date.
SAM
We've still got issues to work out and I
don't think that going to the prom with him
would help resolve anything.
CARMEN
You'd be surprised to know what kind of
things a simple date can resolve.
Just then, Josh and Sugar Daddy slide on into the empty seats.
JOSH
Hey baaaaaby.
LILY
Oh look, the video junkies have emerged from
their caves. What's the matter, lose too many
rounds of Crash Bandicoot?
SUGAR DADDY
Naw, we finished playin' a long time ago.
JOSH
Yeah, we got sidetracked by a new
hobby --
He whips out a magazine that reads "GUNS N' ROSES" with a scantily clad woman on the cover wielding a gun.
JOSH
Bam!
CARMEN
"Guns n' Roses"? I thought you gave up
your dreams of creating a big haired
80's tribute band when you cut your
mullet!
SUGAR DADDY
Naw, it ain't like that, homegirl! That there's
a real piece mag. We gonna be packin' just
like Puffy!
BROOKE
Excuse me? Josh, you aren't thinking of
getting a gun, are you?
JOSH
Why not? My dad has a couple of them.
CARMEN
Hello, he's ex-military in denial.
JOSH
(paging through the magazine)
Hey chill out, Carm...it'd only be for protection.
BROOKE
Josh -- most accidental shootings occur
with guns in the home bought specifically
for that purpose.
LILY
And that's not the worst of it -- God, aren't
the tragedies at Springfield and Littleton
enough to convince you that guns are bad?
She rips the magazine out of his hands.
LILY
Where did you get this thing, anyway?
SUGAR DADDY
Yo, that Trenchcoat Mafia kid who never talks to
anyone...met 'im in the game line.
BROOKE
Isn't his name like, Jeremy?
JOSH
Yeah, that's it.
LILY
Well...maybe it's good that he never talks
to anyone, especially if he's going to just
freely give away sexist, violent NRA-sanctioned
literature to students.
(pauses, staring at the cover)
I think I should report him.
JOSH
No, Lily, don't --
SUGAR DADDY
It's just a magazine!
SAM
Lily, aren't you the one who's always
screaming to protect our rights to free
speech?
Lily gets up and gathers her books.
LILY
I would gladly give up my first amendment
rights if it means blocking a way for the
second amendment to cause a senseless
revocation of our right to live peacefully.
Josh shakes his head, his mouth open in shock as Lily leaves him at
the table. The rest of the gang shrugs through the tense silence.
INT. KENNEDY HIGH - HALLWAY - DAY
POV: Someone walking up to NICOLE from behind as she stands at her locker.
JEREMY KING
Um...Nicole?
Nicole turns to see JEREMY KING, the "Trenchcoat Mafia" kid who gave Josh and Sugar Daddy the magazine. He's a lanky kid with a meek disposition -- more of a geek than an imposing person -- but he is wearing a brown trenchcoat and a rocker t-shirt.
NICOLE
Do I know you?
JEREMY
No...well, I don't think so.
NICOLE
Then run along, buckshot. I'm sure
there's a squirrel with your name on
it out there.
JEREMY
Well...I was...I was wondering if you'd
like to go to the prom with me.
Nicole laughs in his face.
NICOLE
Lemme guess -- this is another one of
Mary Cherry's sublime reminders of
how the whole school thinks I'm a slut.
(looks around)
Come on out, Cherry!
JEREMY
Uh...no, it isn't. I just thought I'd ask --
NICOLE
Because you didn't think I'd have a date?
(pauses)
Listen -- what did you say your name was?
JEREMY
Jeremy.
NICOLE
Yeah, hi, Jeremy -- I'd rather go to the
prom with the 'brother' that I shamelessly
slept with than go with a Marilyn Manson
freak like you. In fact -- that's what I'm doing.
(pauses)
So go find a nice, suitable heroin-addicted
skater chick to fulfill your RPG fantasies, hm?
Nicole slams her locker and struts off, leaving him standing alone.
END OF ACT 1