Trust: Part 2
Chakotay woke up the next morning alone, he got out of bed and searched for Kathryn. He found her sitting at the table reading through something.
"What is it," She turned and looked at him, she was just wearing a bathrobe and her hair was in a plait soaking wet.
"It's the Captains personal log, I was seeing if it made me remember anything."
"Does it?" He asked her leaning over her shoulder.
"No," She sighed, "It's just a load of mumbo jumbo about people and places I don't know, there's nothing actually personal in here!" She threw the padd on the table and sighed in exasperation, "I haven't recorded one thing about how I feel or anything like that at all, I'm starting to think that I'm just a cold fish." Her hands flew up to her temples, Chakotay grinned at the familiar gesture.
"You're not," He reassured her, moving behind her to massage her shoulders. "You're a wonderfully kind compassionate women, you just have a little trouble communicating with the outside world." Kathryn tilted her head back as he pummelled her shoulder blades. "Do you remember anything at all yet?" He asked her. She tilted her head back further to look at him then spun round in her seat to face him.
"Not specifically," She admitted, "I keep on seeing these images of places and people but I can't pin point where the place is or how I know these people. I just don't recognise any of it." Chakotay took her hand gently.
"You will," He said softly, "It just takes time that's all, remember what the doctor said, just keep on trying." She smiled up at him.
"Okay," She gave his hand a squeeze. Chakotay grinned. "What?" She asked cocking her head.
"That's just like you, you never give up." She grinned back then stood up.
"Well then Chakotay, it's about time I took more definite steps to remembering, where shall we go?" Chakotay thought a bit.
"Bridge?" He suggested.
"Lead on!" Kathryn grinned, then she looked down, "When I have a few more clothes on."
Kathryn clutched Chakotay's arm tightly as they stepped into the busy working bridge. Everyone stopped and looked round as Kathryn stood completely still, frozen slightly by the unfamiliar surroundings, then she dragged up all her old strength and smiled bravely, her hands still clenched on Chakotay's arm. The tension broken everyone smiled back, Chakotay felt the blood supply draining from his arm and quickly manoeuvred Kathryn to where Tuvok had stood up.
"Captain," Tuvok inclined his head towards her.
"You're…" Kathryn glanced at Chakotay, "Tuvok, right?" Tuvok nodded.
"That is correct Captain," Kathryn felt relieved and smiled a bit more freely, her grip relaxed slightly. Tom was gaping over from his section at the sight of Captain Janeway in casual black trousers and a beige jumper hanging on to Chakotay's arm as if she couldn't let go. Kathryn spotted him looking and looked back up towards Chakotay, suddenly unsure. Chakotay led her over to where Tom was sitting.
"This is Tom Paris," Tom got over his initial shock and smiled warmly at Kathryn.
"Tom, got it," She grinned back and turned towards where Harry was standing expectantly.
"This is Harry Kim," Harry looked like he wanted her to say something, she thought rapidly.
"The name…sounds familiar." She managed to come up with, Harry's face beamed and he looked very pleased with himself. Chakotay's arm had gone numb.
"Well we're going to go into the ready room and see if we can find something there to resurrect Captain Janeway's memory." Everyone nodded and watched them leave, they heard chatter starting up behind them. The door to the ready room hissed shut. Chakotay extracted his arm and shook it to try and get some life back into it. Kathryn wandered and sat down on the couch, watching the stars.
"You don't know your own strength!" He grumbled, feeling his fingers tingle as the blood rushed back into them.
"Sorry," She looked round at him and smiled apologetically, Chakotay wondered if he'd ever seen her smile so much before today.
"So did that help you?" Chakotay asked expectantly. Kathryn thought hard.
"It was strange," She began slowly, "It was kind of like I'd seen it before in some far off dream, but some of the details were a bit foggy." She looked back up at him, "Weird huh!" Chakotay shook his head and sat down next to her.
"What about this place," He indicated around him after a while.
"What is it?" She gazed round.
"Kind of like your office, except you seem to live here most the time." Chakotay grinned. Kathryn stood up and walked round to the back of her desk, she picked up a few things off her desk.
"What's this?" She held up a padd.
"They're the reports you spend most of your life doing." Kathryn frowned and tried to understand it.
"Is it in English?" She asked after a while, Chakotay laughed.
"Yeah, it's just special Captain English." She nodded understandingly and placed it back down, she started going through her drawers.
"Here's another photo of that Mark guy," She commented throwing a small picture on the table, she continued rummaging. "Look!" She held up another photo. "You're in this one!" Chakotay stood up and walked over to the desk leaning forward, he took the photo from Kathryn's hands.
"I remember this!" He said laughingly, the picture was a whole group of them all bundling together in the mess hall, it had been one year to the day that they had been on Voyager and Neelix had decided it would raise moral to throw a big party. It had been his finest hour, the wine had flowed and nobody gave a toss what the food tasted like. Someone had found an old camera among their things and had managed to take a photo at the height of the evening. Tom and Harry were singing loudly, B'ellana was sneaking up on Tom and the rest of them were having a food fight, Chakotay had just squished a particularly big cake into Kathryn's face, she was covered in cream and laughing her head off. That had been the evening he had first fallen in love with her.
"What's with all the food?" Kathryn touched a hand on his shoulder and he jumped a mile.
"Pardon, what?" He asked startled.
"In the picture, all the food." Kathryn leant over him and stared at the photo, "Is that me? I look a mess." Chakotay stared back down at the picture again,
"We were all a bit drunk," He admitted, "It was a food fight, I think I came out looking worse than you."
"Really?" She grinned at him, he grinned back.
"Yeah, one thing you learn on this ship is never challenge you to a fight." Chakotay put his hand over the top of hers on his shoulder, "You never give up!" She laughed and took the photo from his hands.
"Well I don't know why I kept this," She shook her head studying it, "It's not very flattering," She sneaked him a coy look, "You look good in it though!" She turned away before he could register the look in her eyes. Kathryn flung everything back into the drawer.
"Well none of this is helping me so far, what else can I try?" she asked, Chakotay sighed.
"The mess hall might help, Neelix would love to see you."
They walked into the mess hall, Kathryn had decided not to hold onto Chakotay's arm after she had seen his bruises but he could see her fists curled into little balls with the white showing on her knuckles. Neelix made a beeline for them, Kathryn froze.
"Is his face supposed to be that colour?" She hissed out of the side of her mouth. Chakotay bit back the urge to laugh.
"Yes," He managed to hiss back before Neelix descended on them.
"Captain! Chakotay!" Neelix beamed at them, he always looked as if the mere sight of his friends could brighten up his whole day. Kathryn looked a bit taken back at his enthusiasm but felt her heart warming towards him.
"Hello, Neelix," She said hesitantly, Neelix's grin spread even further.
"That's right!" He shot a quick look at Chakotay, "I heard, of course, about your unfortunate condition so I took the liberty of preparing some of your favourite foods, I thought maybe that would help jog your memory?"
"That was very kind," Kathryn said warmly, allowing herself to be led towards where an enormous selection of food was waiting.
Half an hour later Neelix was still trying to tempt them with food, Kathryn felt as if she was about to burst.
"Thank you," She smiled for the umpteenth time as another dish was placed in front of her. Chakotay watched her in amusement.
"You could just tell him no thanks you know," He watched as she toyed with a forkful of food before putting it in her mouth then grimacing.
"I don't think I could be mean to him." She stared down at the mass of food on her table. "Though if he was less nice I would swear he was trying to poison all of us."
"Your taste-buds get used to it after a while." Chakotay looked at his own plate and shuddered, "A LONG while," Kathryn tried another mouthful and nearly spat it out.
"I think I might be to tired to continue any more," She admitted to Chakotay pushing her plate away.
"I think you might," Chakotay did the same and stood up to help her,
"Neelix!" He called as they walked towards the door, "Captain Janeway is feeling a bit tired, we're going to go now." Neelix nodded and waved with a big ear to ear grin. Chakotay and Kathryn walked out and looked at each other, their faces dissolving into huge grins. Chakotay watched Kathryn as they walked down the corridor to the turbo-lift, she was more alive and animated than he had ever seen her before, she was like a child learning new things. He had seen glimpses of her excitement and curiosity before but had never realised just how much she had to squash down in order to run the ship properly. Chakotay began to see just how many of the things about Kathryn that he took for granted- her sensibility, her ability to think things through, her cool-head,- were all an act, part of being Captain.
Later that evening Kathryn and Chakotay sat together on the couch, she was lying full length on it with her head resting on Chakotay's lap, he was playing idly with her hair and telling her stories about their life on voyager together. She remained silent through it all, content just to listen.
"What about love?" She asked after a silence, "Have I loved anybody since I came on board this ship. Chakotay mulled the question over in his mind, brushing the tips of her hair against his fingertips.
"I don't think so," He admitted after a while.
"What about you?" Kathryn turned on her front to face him, her loose hair fell across her face. "Did I ever love you?" Chakotay felt his heart start to beat faster.
"One time I thought you did," He told her truthfully staring off out of a window, "But, no, I don't know if you do," He turned back to face her, she stared at him for a long while.
"Do you love me?" Her question was soft and simple, her hand rested on his leg. Chakotay looked her in the eyes for a long while before turning his head away.
"I can't answer that,"
"Why not," Her blue eyes bored into him.
"Because one day soon you are going to get your memory back, and then you are going to be so embarrassed about this conversation. My answer will only complicate things." Chakotay told her truthfully, Kathryn noticed he hadn't hinted at yes or no.
"Okay then," She let it drop and slid her hand off of his leg. They sat companionably for a while.
"Do you think I will get my memory back?" Kathryn settled her head back down on Chakotay's lap, he starting stroking the back of her head.
"I don't know," He answered honestly.
"What if I don't?" Kathryn was glad the back of her head was towards Chakotay's as her lower lip trembled. "What if I stay like this?"
"I'll look after you and help you," Chakotay answered without any doubt in his mind.
"What about the ship? Who'll run that?" Kathryn asked.
"I will," Chakotay answered assuredly.
"How will you have time? Don't be silly," Kathryn sat up again and turned towards him, "I'll just have to learn won't I? I had to learn once, I can do it again." Her voice sounded more sure than she felt. They sat in silence for a while. Then Kathryn looked Chakotay full in the face again.
"Just promise me something," Kathryn's voice gained a sense of urgency and her hand snapped out and gripped his, Chakotay just looked at her. "Promise me, if I do get my memory back, that you won't let me stay like I was, don't let me be lonely again." Chakotay nodded, a lump came to his throat and he swallowed hard to get rid of it.
"I promise," His voice was croaky and he tried desperately to clear it, Kathryn looked relieved and smiled again then she stood up.
"I'm going to go to bed."
"Do you want me to come with you?" Kathryn looked unsure and hesitated.
"No," She said doubtfully, she looked him full in the face, "I'd better start getting used to the way things are going to be nowadays." Chakotay nodded and watched her walk out of the room, then she hesitated and turned back to him.
"Chakotay? Thank you,"
"For what?" He looked confused.
"Everything," She looked down at her feet, "For looking after me, for not giving up, for reassuring me," She looked back up again and smiled, "Just thank you," Chakotay didn't say anything, he didn't think he could hold in his emotions any longer. He just heard her leave then rolled over to sleep on the couch.
Chakotay woke up to the aroma of coffee, he rolled back over and blinked wearily. Kathryn was walking around the room carrying a mug.
"Oh hi! You're up!" She turned towards him and indicated the mug, "I woke up this morning and suddenly thought 'coffee' I wasn't even sure if it existed so I asked the computer and I got this stuff." She sniffed it tentatively, "Do I like this?" Her face frowned. Chakotay laughed and tried to ease out the crick in his neck.
"You love it!" He got up and stretched, "You live on the stuff."
"Really!" Kathryn wrinkled her nose and stared at the cup for a while, "Don't know why!" She admitted after a while, setting the mug down. "You don't have to stay with me today," She told Chakotay as he was tidying up the couch. "I want some time to myself, to figure out my head." Chakotay paused and turned to look at her.
"Are you sure?" He raised an eyebrow, she nodded convincingly.
"I'm sure," Chakotay decided not to push and turned to leave.
"Chakotay," Kathryn's voice stopped him mid stride, she suddenly looked unsure, "You will come back and see me though won't you?" Her face was like a child's. He smiled reassuringly.
"I will, I promise," Kathryn looked relieved and watched him leave without any further comments.
Chakotay entered Bridge, he felt better after a shower and a change of uniform, but he found himself continually worrying about Kathryn. It was quiet on bridge and his mind was free to roam wherever it pleased. Chakotay sat all morning just thinking about Kathryn, he wondered if she would get her memory back, it was strange to him seeing the strong independent woman he had known for so long suddenly becoming so dependent. But he also thought, (and heaven help him if Captain Janeway ever found this out) that it was teaching him things about Kathryn he had never realised before, that deep under the tough exterior she still craved love, she still got scared, and she still had that natural curiosity. He knew that whether she got her memory back or not he would always fulfil his promise.
Kathryn sat looking yet again at the Captains personal log, some of the things were sounding more familiar or was that just she was reading the same thing twice? She was starting to feel exasperated, here she was, apparently a very clever women, the captain of a star ship and her own name sounded unfamiliar.
Captains personal log:
The bridge was surprisingly uneventful today, I find myself wishing for something, anything even, to happen. Even a borg cube would be a welcome distraction from the tedious tasks at hand. But there's still a ship to run and a crew to keep happy, it has now been almost two years since we entered the delta quadrant and the crew has grown and developed in ways I could never have imagined, it is truly inspiring.
Kathryn screamed in frustration and slammed her hands down on the padd, it was the crew, always the crew. She never seemed to write about herself or Chakotay. Kathryn wished she knew more about Chakotay, what the boundaries between them both were, some explanation for the unbelievable chemistry between them both. Her attention was drawn back to the padd, there was something new up on there that she hadn't noticed there before, it had been to cleverly and deeply hidden beforehand but her angry hand had driven it out of it's hiding place. She began to read.
Captains personal log, supplemental:
I caught myself looking at Chakotay again today, sometimes I think he will look over and catch me gaping at him, I wonder if he hears my heart beating from over the side of him. Sometimes it's all I can do not to just tell him, to blurt out what I'm feeling, that's it's him, it's always been him. I still keep Marks photo in my quarters, I use it to remind me, even though Mark has been far from my thoughts for a long time it still reminds me, there's life beyond Chakotay and I mustn't let my love for him get in the way of my dedication to Voyager. It's still hard though, I'm still a person, I still need to be loved but somehow I manage to push them all down, far down. One day I know it's going to all break out and I'm going to scream and scream at the top of my voice for Chakotay, begging him to take me in his arms and protect me, but for I now I have to struggle through alone, I feel naked and vulnerable, I wish someone would come and make me feel safe.
Kathryn stared at the entry for a long time, she knew why she had hidden it away, if Chakotay found out about her love for him it would ruin everything. She remembered staring at him, just always staring. Suddenly she stopped and a hand flew to her mouth. She remembered! Kathryn suddenly felt all her memories and knowledge returning to her, it was like all her life was being crammed back into her head at once. She was Captain Kathryn Janeway of the ship Voyager, they had left Earth and had been trapped in the delta quadrant and were now trying to find a way home. Kathryn jumped out of her seat and had to fight the urge to laugh and scream with delight. Then all of a sudden she groaned and dropped back into her seat, covering her face with her hands. What had she done? She had been flirting with Chakotay! She had asked him if he loved her, oh god! She would have laughed if it hadn't of been so embarrassing. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, she would just have to face him, she couldn't hide, as much as she wanted to.
Captain Janeway walked through the door into bridge, Chakotay immediately stood up to meet her, concern written across his face, he looked puzzled at her uniform which was back on again.
"It's okay Chakotay," Kathryn said softly, "I'm back," She couldn't read what flashed across his face. Was it relief? Disappointment? Whatever it was she forced herself to ignore it. The rest of the crew looked pleased to see her back and some even applauded as she walked to her seat. She felt a flush rising to her cheeks and smiled back, Chakotay made room for her and their eyes met as she sat down, she quickly composed herself.
"Well I'd better see what you've been doing to my ship in my absence then!" She joked quickly to cover up the uncomfortable atmosphere. Everything went back to normal in an instance apart from a slight subtle change in the relationship between Kathryn and Chakotay, Kathryn avoided Chakotay's eyes and shifted every conversation away from the subject of her amnesia. By the end of the day it was obvious to just about everyone that something was wrong. Kathryn found herself thankfully immersed in the huge backlog of work that had built up since her absence and Chakotay simply waited, biding his time until his shift finished and he left.
"Captain… captain?" Kathryn looked up from her report at Tuvok who was standing watching her with an eyebrow raised.
"Sorry Tuvok, what is it?" She asked making a mental note to pay more attention before they packed her back to the medical bay again.
"Your shift finished ten minutes ago," Kathryn raised her eyebrows in surprise and glanced at her clock.
"Oh yes!" She stood up and stretched, "I'll be in my ready room if anyone wants me," She walked out, smiling at Harry who was making an extra special effort to be helpful.
An hour later Chakotay hesitated outside the door of Kathryn's ready room, he kept putting his hand up to hit the doorbell but then changed his mind, he hesitated again, unsure of what to do when the door opened and Kathryn nearly walked straight into him.
"Chakotay!" She looked surprised and moved back a step. "What is it?" Chakotay hovered uncomfortably.
"I was wondering if we could, talk," Kathryn looked wary but agreed, stepping back to let him walk into her ready room, she followed behind him and seated herself at her desk, Chakotay positioned himself on the other side and cleared his throat. Kathryn waited, her blue eyes watched him as he shifted from side to side.
"Do you really think you should be working so soon?" He said eventually.
"I'll be fine, thank you for your concern," Kathryn replied, Chakotay made no move to leave.
"I made a promise to you last night," His soft voice wound it's way to her, he lifted his gaze from the floor until it met her eyes. "I intend to keep it," Kathryn felt her cheeks flushing and coughed to hide her confusion.
"You don't have to worry about that!" She blurted out eventually, "It was just a bang on a head talking!" She talked quickly and lightly trying to throw off the events of the last few days.
"I don't think it was," Chakotay wouldn't be thrown off, "I don't want you to be lonely," Kathryn looked back up at him.
"I'm not lonely," She said without much conviction. Chakotay looked at her.
"You asked me a question last night, do you still want me to answer it?" Kathryn hesitated, the answer was on the tip of her tongue. "I don't think you do," Chakotay continued, his brown eyes seeing right through to her soul. "Because I think you already know the answer." Kathryn stood up and walked from behind her desk to face Chakotay.
"Chakotay…" She started, Chakotay caught her hand and lifted it up, his fingers intertwined with hers and they were suddenly irreversibly joined, dry palm connected to dry palm. Kathryn gazed down at their linked hands pressing together, Chakotay's other hand came up and tucked a loose strand of her hair back behind her ear. Then his hand rested against her cheek and she pressed against it's warmth, her eyes closed and she felt all her problems draining away from her. They stood, connected forever driven together by fate.
end
Chakotay woke up the next morning alone, he got out of bed and searched for Kathryn. He found her sitting at the table reading through something.
"What is it," She turned and looked at him, she was just wearing a bathrobe and her hair was in a plait soaking wet.
"It's the Captains personal log, I was seeing if it made me remember anything."
"Does it?" He asked her leaning over her shoulder.
"No," She sighed, "It's just a load of mumbo jumbo about people and places I don't know, there's nothing actually personal in here!" She threw the padd on the table and sighed in exasperation, "I haven't recorded one thing about how I feel or anything like that at all, I'm starting to think that I'm just a cold fish." Her hands flew up to her temples, Chakotay grinned at the familiar gesture.
"You're not," He reassured her, moving behind her to massage her shoulders. "You're a wonderfully kind compassionate women, you just have a little trouble communicating with the outside world." Kathryn tilted her head back as he pummelled her shoulder blades. "Do you remember anything at all yet?" He asked her. She tilted her head back further to look at him then spun round in her seat to face him.
"Not specifically," She admitted, "I keep on seeing these images of places and people but I can't pin point where the place is or how I know these people. I just don't recognise any of it." Chakotay took her hand gently.
"You will," He said softly, "It just takes time that's all, remember what the doctor said, just keep on trying." She smiled up at him.
"Okay," She gave his hand a squeeze. Chakotay grinned. "What?" She asked cocking her head.
"That's just like you, you never give up." She grinned back then stood up.
"Well then Chakotay, it's about time I took more definite steps to remembering, where shall we go?" Chakotay thought a bit.
"Bridge?" He suggested.
"Lead on!" Kathryn grinned, then she looked down, "When I have a few more clothes on."
Kathryn clutched Chakotay's arm tightly as they stepped into the busy working bridge. Everyone stopped and looked round as Kathryn stood completely still, frozen slightly by the unfamiliar surroundings, then she dragged up all her old strength and smiled bravely, her hands still clenched on Chakotay's arm. The tension broken everyone smiled back, Chakotay felt the blood supply draining from his arm and quickly manoeuvred Kathryn to where Tuvok had stood up.
"Captain," Tuvok inclined his head towards her.
"You're…" Kathryn glanced at Chakotay, "Tuvok, right?" Tuvok nodded.
"That is correct Captain," Kathryn felt relieved and smiled a bit more freely, her grip relaxed slightly. Tom was gaping over from his section at the sight of Captain Janeway in casual black trousers and a beige jumper hanging on to Chakotay's arm as if she couldn't let go. Kathryn spotted him looking and looked back up towards Chakotay, suddenly unsure. Chakotay led her over to where Tom was sitting.
"This is Tom Paris," Tom got over his initial shock and smiled warmly at Kathryn.
"Tom, got it," She grinned back and turned towards where Harry was standing expectantly.
"This is Harry Kim," Harry looked like he wanted her to say something, she thought rapidly.
"The name…sounds familiar." She managed to come up with, Harry's face beamed and he looked very pleased with himself. Chakotay's arm had gone numb.
"Well we're going to go into the ready room and see if we can find something there to resurrect Captain Janeway's memory." Everyone nodded and watched them leave, they heard chatter starting up behind them. The door to the ready room hissed shut. Chakotay extracted his arm and shook it to try and get some life back into it. Kathryn wandered and sat down on the couch, watching the stars.
"You don't know your own strength!" He grumbled, feeling his fingers tingle as the blood rushed back into them.
"Sorry," She looked round at him and smiled apologetically, Chakotay wondered if he'd ever seen her smile so much before today.
"So did that help you?" Chakotay asked expectantly. Kathryn thought hard.
"It was strange," She began slowly, "It was kind of like I'd seen it before in some far off dream, but some of the details were a bit foggy." She looked back up at him, "Weird huh!" Chakotay shook his head and sat down next to her.
"What about this place," He indicated around him after a while.
"What is it?" She gazed round.
"Kind of like your office, except you seem to live here most the time." Chakotay grinned. Kathryn stood up and walked round to the back of her desk, she picked up a few things off her desk.
"What's this?" She held up a padd.
"They're the reports you spend most of your life doing." Kathryn frowned and tried to understand it.
"Is it in English?" She asked after a while, Chakotay laughed.
"Yeah, it's just special Captain English." She nodded understandingly and placed it back down, she started going through her drawers.
"Here's another photo of that Mark guy," She commented throwing a small picture on the table, she continued rummaging. "Look!" She held up another photo. "You're in this one!" Chakotay stood up and walked over to the desk leaning forward, he took the photo from Kathryn's hands.
"I remember this!" He said laughingly, the picture was a whole group of them all bundling together in the mess hall, it had been one year to the day that they had been on Voyager and Neelix had decided it would raise moral to throw a big party. It had been his finest hour, the wine had flowed and nobody gave a toss what the food tasted like. Someone had found an old camera among their things and had managed to take a photo at the height of the evening. Tom and Harry were singing loudly, B'ellana was sneaking up on Tom and the rest of them were having a food fight, Chakotay had just squished a particularly big cake into Kathryn's face, she was covered in cream and laughing her head off. That had been the evening he had first fallen in love with her.
"What's with all the food?" Kathryn touched a hand on his shoulder and he jumped a mile.
"Pardon, what?" He asked startled.
"In the picture, all the food." Kathryn leant over him and stared at the photo, "Is that me? I look a mess." Chakotay stared back down at the picture again,
"We were all a bit drunk," He admitted, "It was a food fight, I think I came out looking worse than you."
"Really?" She grinned at him, he grinned back.
"Yeah, one thing you learn on this ship is never challenge you to a fight." Chakotay put his hand over the top of hers on his shoulder, "You never give up!" She laughed and took the photo from his hands.
"Well I don't know why I kept this," She shook her head studying it, "It's not very flattering," She sneaked him a coy look, "You look good in it though!" She turned away before he could register the look in her eyes. Kathryn flung everything back into the drawer.
"Well none of this is helping me so far, what else can I try?" she asked, Chakotay sighed.
"The mess hall might help, Neelix would love to see you."
They walked into the mess hall, Kathryn had decided not to hold onto Chakotay's arm after she had seen his bruises but he could see her fists curled into little balls with the white showing on her knuckles. Neelix made a beeline for them, Kathryn froze.
"Is his face supposed to be that colour?" She hissed out of the side of her mouth. Chakotay bit back the urge to laugh.
"Yes," He managed to hiss back before Neelix descended on them.
"Captain! Chakotay!" Neelix beamed at them, he always looked as if the mere sight of his friends could brighten up his whole day. Kathryn looked a bit taken back at his enthusiasm but felt her heart warming towards him.
"Hello, Neelix," She said hesitantly, Neelix's grin spread even further.
"That's right!" He shot a quick look at Chakotay, "I heard, of course, about your unfortunate condition so I took the liberty of preparing some of your favourite foods, I thought maybe that would help jog your memory?"
"That was very kind," Kathryn said warmly, allowing herself to be led towards where an enormous selection of food was waiting.
Half an hour later Neelix was still trying to tempt them with food, Kathryn felt as if she was about to burst.
"Thank you," She smiled for the umpteenth time as another dish was placed in front of her. Chakotay watched her in amusement.
"You could just tell him no thanks you know," He watched as she toyed with a forkful of food before putting it in her mouth then grimacing.
"I don't think I could be mean to him." She stared down at the mass of food on her table. "Though if he was less nice I would swear he was trying to poison all of us."
"Your taste-buds get used to it after a while." Chakotay looked at his own plate and shuddered, "A LONG while," Kathryn tried another mouthful and nearly spat it out.
"I think I might be to tired to continue any more," She admitted to Chakotay pushing her plate away.
"I think you might," Chakotay did the same and stood up to help her,
"Neelix!" He called as they walked towards the door, "Captain Janeway is feeling a bit tired, we're going to go now." Neelix nodded and waved with a big ear to ear grin. Chakotay and Kathryn walked out and looked at each other, their faces dissolving into huge grins. Chakotay watched Kathryn as they walked down the corridor to the turbo-lift, she was more alive and animated than he had ever seen her before, she was like a child learning new things. He had seen glimpses of her excitement and curiosity before but had never realised just how much she had to squash down in order to run the ship properly. Chakotay began to see just how many of the things about Kathryn that he took for granted- her sensibility, her ability to think things through, her cool-head,- were all an act, part of being Captain.
Later that evening Kathryn and Chakotay sat together on the couch, she was lying full length on it with her head resting on Chakotay's lap, he was playing idly with her hair and telling her stories about their life on voyager together. She remained silent through it all, content just to listen.
"What about love?" She asked after a silence, "Have I loved anybody since I came on board this ship. Chakotay mulled the question over in his mind, brushing the tips of her hair against his fingertips.
"I don't think so," He admitted after a while.
"What about you?" Kathryn turned on her front to face him, her loose hair fell across her face. "Did I ever love you?" Chakotay felt his heart start to beat faster.
"One time I thought you did," He told her truthfully staring off out of a window, "But, no, I don't know if you do," He turned back to face her, she stared at him for a long while.
"Do you love me?" Her question was soft and simple, her hand rested on his leg. Chakotay looked her in the eyes for a long while before turning his head away.
"I can't answer that,"
"Why not," Her blue eyes bored into him.
"Because one day soon you are going to get your memory back, and then you are going to be so embarrassed about this conversation. My answer will only complicate things." Chakotay told her truthfully, Kathryn noticed he hadn't hinted at yes or no.
"Okay then," She let it drop and slid her hand off of his leg. They sat companionably for a while.
"Do you think I will get my memory back?" Kathryn settled her head back down on Chakotay's lap, he starting stroking the back of her head.
"I don't know," He answered honestly.
"What if I don't?" Kathryn was glad the back of her head was towards Chakotay's as her lower lip trembled. "What if I stay like this?"
"I'll look after you and help you," Chakotay answered without any doubt in his mind.
"What about the ship? Who'll run that?" Kathryn asked.
"I will," Chakotay answered assuredly.
"How will you have time? Don't be silly," Kathryn sat up again and turned towards him, "I'll just have to learn won't I? I had to learn once, I can do it again." Her voice sounded more sure than she felt. They sat in silence for a while. Then Kathryn looked Chakotay full in the face again.
"Just promise me something," Kathryn's voice gained a sense of urgency and her hand snapped out and gripped his, Chakotay just looked at her. "Promise me, if I do get my memory back, that you won't let me stay like I was, don't let me be lonely again." Chakotay nodded, a lump came to his throat and he swallowed hard to get rid of it.
"I promise," His voice was croaky and he tried desperately to clear it, Kathryn looked relieved and smiled again then she stood up.
"I'm going to go to bed."
"Do you want me to come with you?" Kathryn looked unsure and hesitated.
"No," She said doubtfully, she looked him full in the face, "I'd better start getting used to the way things are going to be nowadays." Chakotay nodded and watched her walk out of the room, then she hesitated and turned back to him.
"Chakotay? Thank you,"
"For what?" He looked confused.
"Everything," She looked down at her feet, "For looking after me, for not giving up, for reassuring me," She looked back up again and smiled, "Just thank you," Chakotay didn't say anything, he didn't think he could hold in his emotions any longer. He just heard her leave then rolled over to sleep on the couch.
Chakotay woke up to the aroma of coffee, he rolled back over and blinked wearily. Kathryn was walking around the room carrying a mug.
"Oh hi! You're up!" She turned towards him and indicated the mug, "I woke up this morning and suddenly thought 'coffee' I wasn't even sure if it existed so I asked the computer and I got this stuff." She sniffed it tentatively, "Do I like this?" Her face frowned. Chakotay laughed and tried to ease out the crick in his neck.
"You love it!" He got up and stretched, "You live on the stuff."
"Really!" Kathryn wrinkled her nose and stared at the cup for a while, "Don't know why!" She admitted after a while, setting the mug down. "You don't have to stay with me today," She told Chakotay as he was tidying up the couch. "I want some time to myself, to figure out my head." Chakotay paused and turned to look at her.
"Are you sure?" He raised an eyebrow, she nodded convincingly.
"I'm sure," Chakotay decided not to push and turned to leave.
"Chakotay," Kathryn's voice stopped him mid stride, she suddenly looked unsure, "You will come back and see me though won't you?" Her face was like a child's. He smiled reassuringly.
"I will, I promise," Kathryn looked relieved and watched him leave without any further comments.
Chakotay entered Bridge, he felt better after a shower and a change of uniform, but he found himself continually worrying about Kathryn. It was quiet on bridge and his mind was free to roam wherever it pleased. Chakotay sat all morning just thinking about Kathryn, he wondered if she would get her memory back, it was strange to him seeing the strong independent woman he had known for so long suddenly becoming so dependent. But he also thought, (and heaven help him if Captain Janeway ever found this out) that it was teaching him things about Kathryn he had never realised before, that deep under the tough exterior she still craved love, she still got scared, and she still had that natural curiosity. He knew that whether she got her memory back or not he would always fulfil his promise.
Kathryn sat looking yet again at the Captains personal log, some of the things were sounding more familiar or was that just she was reading the same thing twice? She was starting to feel exasperated, here she was, apparently a very clever women, the captain of a star ship and her own name sounded unfamiliar.
Captains personal log:
The bridge was surprisingly uneventful today, I find myself wishing for something, anything even, to happen. Even a borg cube would be a welcome distraction from the tedious tasks at hand. But there's still a ship to run and a crew to keep happy, it has now been almost two years since we entered the delta quadrant and the crew has grown and developed in ways I could never have imagined, it is truly inspiring.
Kathryn screamed in frustration and slammed her hands down on the padd, it was the crew, always the crew. She never seemed to write about herself or Chakotay. Kathryn wished she knew more about Chakotay, what the boundaries between them both were, some explanation for the unbelievable chemistry between them both. Her attention was drawn back to the padd, there was something new up on there that she hadn't noticed there before, it had been to cleverly and deeply hidden beforehand but her angry hand had driven it out of it's hiding place. She began to read.
Captains personal log, supplemental:
I caught myself looking at Chakotay again today, sometimes I think he will look over and catch me gaping at him, I wonder if he hears my heart beating from over the side of him. Sometimes it's all I can do not to just tell him, to blurt out what I'm feeling, that's it's him, it's always been him. I still keep Marks photo in my quarters, I use it to remind me, even though Mark has been far from my thoughts for a long time it still reminds me, there's life beyond Chakotay and I mustn't let my love for him get in the way of my dedication to Voyager. It's still hard though, I'm still a person, I still need to be loved but somehow I manage to push them all down, far down. One day I know it's going to all break out and I'm going to scream and scream at the top of my voice for Chakotay, begging him to take me in his arms and protect me, but for I now I have to struggle through alone, I feel naked and vulnerable, I wish someone would come and make me feel safe.
Kathryn stared at the entry for a long time, she knew why she had hidden it away, if Chakotay found out about her love for him it would ruin everything. She remembered staring at him, just always staring. Suddenly she stopped and a hand flew to her mouth. She remembered! Kathryn suddenly felt all her memories and knowledge returning to her, it was like all her life was being crammed back into her head at once. She was Captain Kathryn Janeway of the ship Voyager, they had left Earth and had been trapped in the delta quadrant and were now trying to find a way home. Kathryn jumped out of her seat and had to fight the urge to laugh and scream with delight. Then all of a sudden she groaned and dropped back into her seat, covering her face with her hands. What had she done? She had been flirting with Chakotay! She had asked him if he loved her, oh god! She would have laughed if it hadn't of been so embarrassing. She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders, she would just have to face him, she couldn't hide, as much as she wanted to.
Captain Janeway walked through the door into bridge, Chakotay immediately stood up to meet her, concern written across his face, he looked puzzled at her uniform which was back on again.
"It's okay Chakotay," Kathryn said softly, "I'm back," She couldn't read what flashed across his face. Was it relief? Disappointment? Whatever it was she forced herself to ignore it. The rest of the crew looked pleased to see her back and some even applauded as she walked to her seat. She felt a flush rising to her cheeks and smiled back, Chakotay made room for her and their eyes met as she sat down, she quickly composed herself.
"Well I'd better see what you've been doing to my ship in my absence then!" She joked quickly to cover up the uncomfortable atmosphere. Everything went back to normal in an instance apart from a slight subtle change in the relationship between Kathryn and Chakotay, Kathryn avoided Chakotay's eyes and shifted every conversation away from the subject of her amnesia. By the end of the day it was obvious to just about everyone that something was wrong. Kathryn found herself thankfully immersed in the huge backlog of work that had built up since her absence and Chakotay simply waited, biding his time until his shift finished and he left.
"Captain… captain?" Kathryn looked up from her report at Tuvok who was standing watching her with an eyebrow raised.
"Sorry Tuvok, what is it?" She asked making a mental note to pay more attention before they packed her back to the medical bay again.
"Your shift finished ten minutes ago," Kathryn raised her eyebrows in surprise and glanced at her clock.
"Oh yes!" She stood up and stretched, "I'll be in my ready room if anyone wants me," She walked out, smiling at Harry who was making an extra special effort to be helpful.
An hour later Chakotay hesitated outside the door of Kathryn's ready room, he kept putting his hand up to hit the doorbell but then changed his mind, he hesitated again, unsure of what to do when the door opened and Kathryn nearly walked straight into him.
"Chakotay!" She looked surprised and moved back a step. "What is it?" Chakotay hovered uncomfortably.
"I was wondering if we could, talk," Kathryn looked wary but agreed, stepping back to let him walk into her ready room, she followed behind him and seated herself at her desk, Chakotay positioned himself on the other side and cleared his throat. Kathryn waited, her blue eyes watched him as he shifted from side to side.
"Do you really think you should be working so soon?" He said eventually.
"I'll be fine, thank you for your concern," Kathryn replied, Chakotay made no move to leave.
"I made a promise to you last night," His soft voice wound it's way to her, he lifted his gaze from the floor until it met her eyes. "I intend to keep it," Kathryn felt her cheeks flushing and coughed to hide her confusion.
"You don't have to worry about that!" She blurted out eventually, "It was just a bang on a head talking!" She talked quickly and lightly trying to throw off the events of the last few days.
"I don't think it was," Chakotay wouldn't be thrown off, "I don't want you to be lonely," Kathryn looked back up at him.
"I'm not lonely," She said without much conviction. Chakotay looked at her.
"You asked me a question last night, do you still want me to answer it?" Kathryn hesitated, the answer was on the tip of her tongue. "I don't think you do," Chakotay continued, his brown eyes seeing right through to her soul. "Because I think you already know the answer." Kathryn stood up and walked from behind her desk to face Chakotay.
"Chakotay…" She started, Chakotay caught her hand and lifted it up, his fingers intertwined with hers and they were suddenly irreversibly joined, dry palm connected to dry palm. Kathryn gazed down at their linked hands pressing together, Chakotay's other hand came up and tucked a loose strand of her hair back behind her ear. Then his hand rested against her cheek and she pressed against it's warmth, her eyes closed and she felt all her problems draining away from her. They stood, connected forever driven together by fate.
end