Woman Trouble
Title:- see above
Rating:- PG13
Distribution:- do I *really* need to repeat it?
Ownership:- Joss Whedon blaa blaa *snore*
Feedback:' Please? I'm asking nicely!
"Spike?"
"Bugger off."
"It's me."
"Really? I'd never have guessed."
Xander looked at the annoyed vampire. He felt a bit embarrased, of all the men in the world, Xander had to pick this one. Well, he couldn't really ask Giles - no way. Riley? No, he looks as if his love life has been steady since his first kiss. Spike was growing impatient and the kid's fidgeting was annoying him,
"You wanted something?"
"Er, yeah. You've .... dated alot of girls, right?"
Spike laughed,
"Vampires don't date. I've been with alot of girls, yeah. But no girlfriends, that's an adolescent thing."
"Same difference. I got this problem."
The vampire was very amused. This was unbelievable,
"You're asking *me* for help with woman trouble? Seriously?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Oh, okay. Go ahead."
Xander was surprised the demon relented with so little persuasion. Spike raised an eyebrow,
"Didn't think I'd help you?" Xander shook his head and Spike shrugged, "This is my league. Women and carnage. Gimme your best shot."
"Right, me and Anya are going through a rough patch, see?"
"Don't need to see. I've heard."
"Oh, that. She threw a tantrum. That's the problem, she's so *demanding*!"
"That's where I get stuck. I have a tendency to go through women the same rate you go through clean under-wear."
Xander shifted uneasily, knowing the vampire had been de-chipped thanks to some chick who'd left the Initiative (and wasn't entirely human herself) didn't make this any easier. Spike signalled for Xander to follow him. The vampire had got himself a flat, and was living in very nice conditions. He indicated an armchair, and Xander sat down. Spike exited into the kitchen and re-emerged with a cup of very suspiscious looking red liquid,
"I'm not the guy to ask if you want to keep your honey sweet. If you want to bring a new bird home every Saturday night then I'm your demon. But steady relationships are a strict no-no."
"You went steady with Dru."
"Ha! That's what *she* thinks. Let's see, there was Tina, Saba, Vicky, Amy, Tracy, Sa - "
"Okay! I get the point! So you think I should quit with the steadies?"
"S'up to you. It's more fun though...but it helps to have a steady girl aswell, y'know incase something goes slightly wrong."
Xander allowed the conversation to flow through his mind as he processed what was being said, while Spike lit the fire. The vampire smiled warmly,
"Makes a difference, the fire. The heat doesn't matter, but it gives a certain atmosphere, know what I mean?"
The human nodded, though the vague expression on his face showed he was really listening. Spike sat down again,
"Xander?"
"Hmm?"
"I just killed Anya."
"Hmm."
"Buffy's torturing Anya with *alot* of help from Giles...and Willow."
"Hmm."
"Oh my God! Xander! You're melting!!"
Xander perked up slightly at the sound of the vampire's urgency,
"What?"
"Nothing. Just seeing if you were awake."
"I'm not."
"Apparently so."
Spike gulped the last drops of blood from the bottle in his hands,
"Fancy a beer?"
He perked up even more at the mention of alcohol,
"Go on then."
The demon his human companion the bottle of beer and sunk down in his armchair with his own drink,
"Nothing better for drowning your sorrows...except maybe whiskey, or scotch or brandy even. Spiked blood'll work too, but that's not your thing."
"You not gotta girl either?"
"Unfortunately for me, no. I need to re-build my reputation as a heartless coldblooded killer before I can get back in the saddle."
The two men sat for a while in silence, savouring the mood while they could. Then Xander sat bolt upright,
"What would happen if I helped you get your reputation back and you helped me get a girl?"
Spike thought for a moment then said matter-of-factly,
"You'd end up with some hot vamp chick and alot of people would die."
"No, seriously."
"I was being serious. I don't do humans until they've been vamped."
"Yeah but you only vamp the hottest girls right?"
"I'm not exactly going to sleep with the female version of Quasimodo now, am I?"
"My point exactly, you still know a babe when you see one."
"I have almost 204yrs of experience in that area."
"So you can do it *without* the vamp part."
"That takes the fun out of it, but why not?"
"And I'll help you...."
"Kill a whole load of innocents."
"Yeah..what?! No!"
Spike shrugged,
"It was your idea. I couldn't care less."
"Right, okay."
"Got any ideas Harris?"
"No, and please don't call me that. It pisses me off."
"Yeah, I've noticed. Why else do you think I call you that?"
"Don't know."
"Okay, I'll do my part of the deal first. Then we can come up with a safe no-Buffy way of getting me my title back."
Xander smiled, and left the vampire alone to go through all the cute chicks he'd stalked for the past 3 weeks.
Xander was ready at least an hour before he was supposed to be there. He went to Spike's flat to kill time, though the fact that he ran wasn't really killing the time he had left. He practically crashed into the door in an attempt to knock politely.
"What's the matter now?"
He turned around, it was Spike. He'd been down to the 24hr super market for the usual. Beer and smokes and probably the girl at the till. He had a spot of blood on his chin.
"You have your dinner on your chin."
The vampire hurriedly wiped it away, and signalled for Xander to move out the way so he could get in. Groceries bag balanced on one hand, he felt around his pockets for the keys. No keys.
"Bugger, I've left them on the counter. Here hold this."
He gave Xander the bag and took a step back. Making sure the human was out of the way, Spike turned side on, and with one swift kick, sent the door to the floor. He sauntered in over the door and indicated for the human to follow,
"That's the 3rd time this week I've had to do that!"
Relieving Xander of the bag, Spike set it down on the kitchen table and took out his tool box. He began to fix the door skillfully, it took no more than 5minutes. When he was finished, the vampire eyed the human approvingly,
"Looking good. You'll have to wait a minute for me to get ready."
He disappeared into his room and emerged 10minutes later as what could be called your usual teenage heart throb. Xander sighed,
"How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"You manage to look good in whatever you wear."
"True, but I don't like to boast." The vampire strolled over to the TV and took his wallet from his pocket. He removed about 200 dollars from the wad behind the TV and quietly put them in his pocket - not his wallet. He put his wallet in his other pocket.
"Oh, I almost forgot." He rushed to the bathroom, and came back with a can of Lynx. Lynx Africa to be precise. He held it up,
"Put that on."
"Why?"
"Harmony said it smells like men. It works too."
Xander did as he was told and sprayed the Lynx over himself. Spike grabbed his favourite coat - the leather one - and opened the door,
"Shall we?"
Title:- see above
Rating:- PG13
Distribution:- do I *really* need to repeat it?
Ownership:- Joss Whedon blaa blaa *snore*
Feedback:' Please? I'm asking nicely!
"Spike?"
"Bugger off."
"It's me."
"Really? I'd never have guessed."
Xander looked at the annoyed vampire. He felt a bit embarrased, of all the men in the world, Xander had to pick this one. Well, he couldn't really ask Giles - no way. Riley? No, he looks as if his love life has been steady since his first kiss. Spike was growing impatient and the kid's fidgeting was annoying him,
"You wanted something?"
"Er, yeah. You've .... dated alot of girls, right?"
Spike laughed,
"Vampires don't date. I've been with alot of girls, yeah. But no girlfriends, that's an adolescent thing."
"Same difference. I got this problem."
The vampire was very amused. This was unbelievable,
"You're asking *me* for help with woman trouble? Seriously?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Oh, okay. Go ahead."
Xander was surprised the demon relented with so little persuasion. Spike raised an eyebrow,
"Didn't think I'd help you?" Xander shook his head and Spike shrugged, "This is my league. Women and carnage. Gimme your best shot."
"Right, me and Anya are going through a rough patch, see?"
"Don't need to see. I've heard."
"Oh, that. She threw a tantrum. That's the problem, she's so *demanding*!"
"That's where I get stuck. I have a tendency to go through women the same rate you go through clean under-wear."
Xander shifted uneasily, knowing the vampire had been de-chipped thanks to some chick who'd left the Initiative (and wasn't entirely human herself) didn't make this any easier. Spike signalled for Xander to follow him. The vampire had got himself a flat, and was living in very nice conditions. He indicated an armchair, and Xander sat down. Spike exited into the kitchen and re-emerged with a cup of very suspiscious looking red liquid,
"I'm not the guy to ask if you want to keep your honey sweet. If you want to bring a new bird home every Saturday night then I'm your demon. But steady relationships are a strict no-no."
"You went steady with Dru."
"Ha! That's what *she* thinks. Let's see, there was Tina, Saba, Vicky, Amy, Tracy, Sa - "
"Okay! I get the point! So you think I should quit with the steadies?"
"S'up to you. It's more fun though...but it helps to have a steady girl aswell, y'know incase something goes slightly wrong."
Xander allowed the conversation to flow through his mind as he processed what was being said, while Spike lit the fire. The vampire smiled warmly,
"Makes a difference, the fire. The heat doesn't matter, but it gives a certain atmosphere, know what I mean?"
The human nodded, though the vague expression on his face showed he was really listening. Spike sat down again,
"Xander?"
"Hmm?"
"I just killed Anya."
"Hmm."
"Buffy's torturing Anya with *alot* of help from Giles...and Willow."
"Hmm."
"Oh my God! Xander! You're melting!!"
Xander perked up slightly at the sound of the vampire's urgency,
"What?"
"Nothing. Just seeing if you were awake."
"I'm not."
"Apparently so."
Spike gulped the last drops of blood from the bottle in his hands,
"Fancy a beer?"
He perked up even more at the mention of alcohol,
"Go on then."
The demon his human companion the bottle of beer and sunk down in his armchair with his own drink,
"Nothing better for drowning your sorrows...except maybe whiskey, or scotch or brandy even. Spiked blood'll work too, but that's not your thing."
"You not gotta girl either?"
"Unfortunately for me, no. I need to re-build my reputation as a heartless coldblooded killer before I can get back in the saddle."
The two men sat for a while in silence, savouring the mood while they could. Then Xander sat bolt upright,
"What would happen if I helped you get your reputation back and you helped me get a girl?"
Spike thought for a moment then said matter-of-factly,
"You'd end up with some hot vamp chick and alot of people would die."
"No, seriously."
"I was being serious. I don't do humans until they've been vamped."
"Yeah but you only vamp the hottest girls right?"
"I'm not exactly going to sleep with the female version of Quasimodo now, am I?"
"My point exactly, you still know a babe when you see one."
"I have almost 204yrs of experience in that area."
"So you can do it *without* the vamp part."
"That takes the fun out of it, but why not?"
"And I'll help you...."
"Kill a whole load of innocents."
"Yeah..what?! No!"
Spike shrugged,
"It was your idea. I couldn't care less."
"Right, okay."
"Got any ideas Harris?"
"No, and please don't call me that. It pisses me off."
"Yeah, I've noticed. Why else do you think I call you that?"
"Don't know."
"Okay, I'll do my part of the deal first. Then we can come up with a safe no-Buffy way of getting me my title back."
Xander smiled, and left the vampire alone to go through all the cute chicks he'd stalked for the past 3 weeks.
Xander was ready at least an hour before he was supposed to be there. He went to Spike's flat to kill time, though the fact that he ran wasn't really killing the time he had left. He practically crashed into the door in an attempt to knock politely.
"What's the matter now?"
He turned around, it was Spike. He'd been down to the 24hr super market for the usual. Beer and smokes and probably the girl at the till. He had a spot of blood on his chin.
"You have your dinner on your chin."
The vampire hurriedly wiped it away, and signalled for Xander to move out the way so he could get in. Groceries bag balanced on one hand, he felt around his pockets for the keys. No keys.
"Bugger, I've left them on the counter. Here hold this."
He gave Xander the bag and took a step back. Making sure the human was out of the way, Spike turned side on, and with one swift kick, sent the door to the floor. He sauntered in over the door and indicated for the human to follow,
"That's the 3rd time this week I've had to do that!"
Relieving Xander of the bag, Spike set it down on the kitchen table and took out his tool box. He began to fix the door skillfully, it took no more than 5minutes. When he was finished, the vampire eyed the human approvingly,
"Looking good. You'll have to wait a minute for me to get ready."
He disappeared into his room and emerged 10minutes later as what could be called your usual teenage heart throb. Xander sighed,
"How do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"You manage to look good in whatever you wear."
"True, but I don't like to boast." The vampire strolled over to the TV and took his wallet from his pocket. He removed about 200 dollars from the wad behind the TV and quietly put them in his pocket - not his wallet. He put his wallet in his other pocket.
"Oh, I almost forgot." He rushed to the bathroom, and came back with a can of Lynx. Lynx Africa to be precise. He held it up,
"Put that on."
"Why?"
"Harmony said it smells like men. It works too."
Xander did as he was told and sprayed the Lynx over himself. Spike grabbed his favourite coat - the leather one - and opened the door,
"Shall we?"