My Journal:
I have often attempted to keep journals. I always thought it would be a great idea. How
cool to be able to open a book and read about and maybe even remember exactly how I
felt on any particular day in the past. But journaling has never been my thing. I've made
many attempts and they all failed miserably. I've been able to keep it up for 1 or 2 days,
actually, I thing a week has been my longest period of time, but this time is different.
This time I'm not just writing to write, but rather this time I'm writing to try to figure
things out. Who has the time and money for weekly therapy sessions? Certainly not me!
And that's why I've decided to begin this process. This might just be my own self-
analysis.
My name is DeeDee McCall. I'm a homicide detective for the L.A.P.D. My partner for
the last seven years has been Det. Sgt. Rick Hunter. However, we have truly expanded
on the term 'partner'. He's much more to me than simply a person I have been forced to
kill time with during the hours of 9 to 5. At first it was exactly that way. But we grew
together and have bonded incredibly so. He has become not only my partner, but my
confidant, conspirer, accomplice. He has become the person I immediately want to run to
with stories about my family, friends, and yes, even work itself. He is the person I trust
with all, or most, of my most intimate truths. If something funny, exciting, scary, or just
plain weird occurs, it's Hunter whom I wish to share this with. Quite frankly, Hunter has
taken over the roles that at one time my friends and family had once acquired. Hunter
quickly had become my all and things haven't changed one bit in the last seven years.
Due to my career and the hectic schedule and life I lead, I've had to discard many things
and people that I had once held dear. It's not that I still don't love these people, it's just
that life gets in the way sometimes. I no longer have the opportunity for the weekly 'girls
night out' that had once been a tradition I so looked forward to. I don't have the time to
go to the movies, talk on the phone, take classes, or just hang out. Even if I did have the
time, I no longer have the energy required to do those things that had once been so
pleasurable. Again, it's not that I don't miss those things, it's just that I almost feel
beyond them at this point. Now, if I have a day off, quite honestly, I'd rather sleep or just
lay around the house and simply do nothing.
Because my career has somewhat taken over my life, I think it was only natural to
gravitate fully towards Hunter, since he was experiencing everything I, too, was
experiencing. We could just so easily relate to each other. The only role that Hunter had
not been appointed to in my life is that of lover.
Believe me, I've thought about it a great deal over the years. I have always been very
attracted to Hunter and Hunter is not exactly keeping his attraction to me a secret either.
We play, have fun, joke around, and tickle. It's the last part I love the most. It's just the
mere touch of him. Whenever I feel him close to me, especially when we're making a
joke of it, I don't know…it just does something to me. Now, I fully understand that as
partners an affair is completely forbidden. It could mean the end of us forever. But
lately…well lately…that has been the only thing on my mind.
I find myself looking forward to work every day. I take extra time in the morning to
make sure I look the best I can. My god, I've even discarded the clothing that he doesn't
like me in. I've been more flirtatious than usual. I've been much more touchy-feely than
usual too – and more may be a little too much because I've always been very touchy in
the past anyway. I find myself frequently daydreaming about him. I also can't wait to
get to sleep so I can fantasize about being with him in the way that I know real life would
never allow.
…More tomorrow
My Journal:
Another day has passed. Another day full of adventure and suspense. Another day with
Rick Hunter. I have so much respect for this man. I watch him handle himself
beautifully under pressure. Today we spent the day on the streets. We were questioning
people in an attempt to get a lead on a suspect in our latest case. We had nothing!
Hunter, however, got a feeling for one of the people and worked absolute magic. Well,
needless to say we now have 3 new leads on this case. It's incredible just watching this
man work. He knows his job so well. Just being a witness to his mind, scary as it may be
at times, is an experience all of it's own. We were made for each other. This I truly
believe.
He has brought out the absolute best in me and I think I've done the same service for
him. We were both so hard-nosed, edgy, angry, and pessimistic about life itself seven
years ago. To watch us together now - it seems like a rebirth.
I've been heavily thinking about confessing these feelings to Rick. How would he react?
Would it be best to let these feelings just live freely in my own head? I mean, could Rick
and I really have a life together outside of the station? I don't know, but I'm leaning
towards 'yes!'
…More tomorrow
My Journal
I could kill him. I could smother him with my own pillow…if only I could get his ass
over here. Actually, if I could get his ass over here it's not smothering him that would
really appeal to me. I could think of many other things I'd like to do to him.
Anyway, we had a crappy day. So crappy, in fact, we bailed out early to get away from
it. His mood sucked badly. I asked him if he wanted to get some dinner before heading
home. Get this, he actually told me he wanted to leave early today to get away from
work and…ME! He told me he wanted to get away from me!
And so I will end today's journal the same way I started it: I could kill him.
…More tomorrow, and let's hope things are better!
My Journal:
Oh no, today was not a good day and I'm really rethinking everything. How could I have
ever possibly been into Rick Hunter? He is just the most…he's mean, he's rude, he's not
at all considerate of anyone around him, not even me. What an idiot! He messed up so
badly today. After being a cop for as long as he has been one, you'd think he'd know
how to do his job. Well, guess what…he doesn't! Complete idiot!
Was I actually saying that I have feelings for Hunter? Was I actually thinking about a
possible affair? Telling him I might be interested in him? Ha! Was I at all attracted to
this man? Someone shoot me please. I can't stand the bastard!
…More tomorrow
My Journal:
I just love him. We went out for lunch today (believe it or not, he actually treated me!!!!)
to talk about how crappy this week has been. He's just so aware of everyone around
him…especially me. He's really spectacular. I mean, what a man! He's back to his old
self and it's just so good to be around him. I could be around this man forever.
So, I started thinking again about what life with Rick Hunter would really be like. I think
I'm going to ask him out for this weekend. Yeah, I think I'll ask him on a date. But I
won't really phrase it like that. I'm not sure what I'll say, but I really want to spend this
weekend with him. And, maybe…just maybe, this will be our first weekend together of
many to come. Wish me luck!
…Stay tuned
PART 2
My Journal:
I can't stand him. I asked him what his plans are and he's already going out on a date
this weekend. I must have seemed really disappointed and he picked up on that. He
actually asked me what was wrong. I don't know how I didn't spill everything right then
and there.
I can't really see Rick out on other dates. Who is this girl? Where did he meet her?
How does he have time to meet all these woman anyway? What's that about? Where is
he taking her? Oh my god, is he going to sleep with this woman? I'm going to throw up!
…until tomorrow
My Journal:
The weekend was long and boring. I didn't do anything. My friends are used to me
being away from their click, so they all had plans this weekend that I wasn't apart of. I
have no one, I have nothing! I'm bored and lonely and really wanting Rick. I was
actually glad that Monday appeared again. It was good to see him. I asked him about his
date. He didn't have much to say. He told me he wouldn't be asking her out again. I
simply couldn't wipe away the smile from my face.
…until tomorrow
My Journal:
Rick asked me to dinner tonight. We had a blast! Why have I been looking everywhere
else for the perfect man when he's been right here…directly in front of me…working
next to me for the last seven years? Seven years wasted. Well, not really wasted.
Actually, not wasted at all. We've built an incredible friendship. We've built so much
more than even that. But now is the time. This is just so right. I know this is right. I
have to tell him. I can only hope he feels the same way. Tomorrow is the day!
Tonight I thought about telling him. I thought about telling him how much he means to
me, about how much I truly do love and respect him. I thought about telling him all of
the feelings I for him and asking him if he wants the same thing from me that I want from
him. I thought about it, but I got kind of nervous. But no more of that! Tomorrow is
definitely the day.
…tomorrow will be the day
My Journal:
He did it again! He robbed me of my time. Today was supposed to be the day, but he
didn't give me as much as a second. There was no time for anything today. We didn't
even have a break for lunch. We were so busy. So busy in fact, he claimed exhaustion
and didn't take me up on my offer for dinner, even when I told him I'd cook. He wants a
rain check. Well, rain check my ass.
…until later
(Months have gone by…)
My Journal:
It doesn't seem like I'll ever be able to talk to him about this. My feelings have
absolutely, positively not changed. I am still as interested in developing something with
Rick tonight as I was when this journal started 4 months ago. It's just that I'm wondering
if I shouldn't leave it along for right now.
I continually lose all my nerve in confessing these feelings any time an opportunity
presents itself. We spent a great deal of time together, alone, over these past 4 months. I
could have come clean many times, but something's keeping me back from doing just
that.
I'm thinking the fear of his response is the reason why I haven't said anything. Maybe
he'll stare blankly and then what? What would I do? What if he has never felt this way
about me? What if it's all just in my head? What if I make a complete fool of myself?
I'll never be able to look at him again!
I've been thinking of doing something drastic. Maybe I should just do it and get it over
with. Well, I've been thinking about taking this journal and just mailing to entire book to
him. Then I don't have to face him if his answer is 'no' and he can prepare a nice way of
letting me down instead of having to do that on the spot. I really don't want to put him in
that position. Actually, I really don't want to be on the receiving end of that scenario. I
don't know, I'll have to think more about it.
My Journal:
I've made a huge decision! I am completely incapable of telling Rick Hunter what he
means to me. I will not now or ever be able to tell him everything I feel for and about
him. So, I have decided that I will mail him this journal and let him read it all for
himself. I've re-read some of my entries and at first wanted to start editing. But then I
stopped myself, refused to read anymore, have decided to make this last entry, and then
just mail this journal to him.
Of course, I am hoping for the best. I am hoping that after he reads this he will come
over with a bottle of champagne and offer a toast to our joint decision to make a go of
some kind of future together. I am hoping that after the champagne we toss away the
conversation and meet for our first real kiss. I am hoping that we end up in bed making
love that somehow puts my fantasies to shame. I am really, really, desperately hoping
this is the response he'll have. But, I am also trying to prepare myself for what else may
happen.
Rick, I just hope if you are not interested in trying this with me that you will be kind.
Because I have obviously given all of this a great deal of thought and I am as sure as I
can be that this would be an incredible move for us. If you feel otherwise, please be kind.
I'm sure I don't have to request that of you, but just in case. I hope that this doesn't ruin
our friendship because that truly is the most important thing to me. I would easily
sacrifice everything else to hold on to what we have now, even if that means not trying
out a new relationship with you. Because without our friendship and our partnership, I
don't know how I would ever go on. By no means do I want my feelings…this journal,
to ruin what we have spent years building.
I will accept any response you have to offer. I will place no pressure upon you. I will try
to expect nothing from you one way or the other. I'm just asking that you think about all
I've written. Please know that I love you dearly, now and always, regardless of what is
bound to happen.
-With my deepest respect, regard, and pure love,
DeeDee
'Has he received it yet?' McCall wondered. 'McCall has seemed so high-strung for
these last few days', thought Hunter. He left work and returned home. In his pile of mail
came a package. He looked at the return address and saw the package was sent from
DeeDee. He abandoned the rest of his mail and opened the package. He noticed the
book and opened the first page titled My Journal.
DeeDee remained a nervous wreck since placing the package in the mailbox three days
earlier. Had she made a mistake? What would Hunter do? He had to have it by now,
didn't he? Maybe he already got it, read it, and didn't know what to say so he just never
brought it up. Maybe all day long he was thinking about it like she was, only she didn't
know that he had already read it. 'Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. What did I do?' she
asked herself.
At 8:34 p.m. DeeDee's doorbell rang. She had already taken a shower, wet head
wrapped in a towel, no make up on, and wearing her robe. 'Oh no Hunter, not now,' she
let go this silent prayer. "Who is it?"
"DeeDee, it's me, Rick. Can I come in."
'Please let this be easy.' She shakingly unlocked her front door and allowed him entry
into her home. "Hi Hunter, come in." Hours seemed to passed and both just stared at the
other. "Umm, can I get you something? A soda maybe?"
"No, DeeDee. I don't need a soda. But, can you please get 2 champagne glasses?" And
with that he pulled from behind his back a bottle of champagne.
"Umm, Rick? I???"
"To toast our new start," he concluded. That was all that needed to be said – she fully
understood. The bottle was placed on the coffee table and DeeDee ran towards Rick's
open arms for their first real kiss. Finally the two went upstairs.
I have often attempted to keep journals. I always thought it would be a great idea. How
cool to be able to open a book and read about and maybe even remember exactly how I
felt on any particular day in the past. But journaling has never been my thing. I've made
many attempts and they all failed miserably. I've been able to keep it up for 1 or 2 days,
actually, I thing a week has been my longest period of time, but this time is different.
This time I'm not just writing to write, but rather this time I'm writing to try to figure
things out. Who has the time and money for weekly therapy sessions? Certainly not me!
And that's why I've decided to begin this process. This might just be my own self-
analysis.
My name is DeeDee McCall. I'm a homicide detective for the L.A.P.D. My partner for
the last seven years has been Det. Sgt. Rick Hunter. However, we have truly expanded
on the term 'partner'. He's much more to me than simply a person I have been forced to
kill time with during the hours of 9 to 5. At first it was exactly that way. But we grew
together and have bonded incredibly so. He has become not only my partner, but my
confidant, conspirer, accomplice. He has become the person I immediately want to run to
with stories about my family, friends, and yes, even work itself. He is the person I trust
with all, or most, of my most intimate truths. If something funny, exciting, scary, or just
plain weird occurs, it's Hunter whom I wish to share this with. Quite frankly, Hunter has
taken over the roles that at one time my friends and family had once acquired. Hunter
quickly had become my all and things haven't changed one bit in the last seven years.
Due to my career and the hectic schedule and life I lead, I've had to discard many things
and people that I had once held dear. It's not that I still don't love these people, it's just
that life gets in the way sometimes. I no longer have the opportunity for the weekly 'girls
night out' that had once been a tradition I so looked forward to. I don't have the time to
go to the movies, talk on the phone, take classes, or just hang out. Even if I did have the
time, I no longer have the energy required to do those things that had once been so
pleasurable. Again, it's not that I don't miss those things, it's just that I almost feel
beyond them at this point. Now, if I have a day off, quite honestly, I'd rather sleep or just
lay around the house and simply do nothing.
Because my career has somewhat taken over my life, I think it was only natural to
gravitate fully towards Hunter, since he was experiencing everything I, too, was
experiencing. We could just so easily relate to each other. The only role that Hunter had
not been appointed to in my life is that of lover.
Believe me, I've thought about it a great deal over the years. I have always been very
attracted to Hunter and Hunter is not exactly keeping his attraction to me a secret either.
We play, have fun, joke around, and tickle. It's the last part I love the most. It's just the
mere touch of him. Whenever I feel him close to me, especially when we're making a
joke of it, I don't know…it just does something to me. Now, I fully understand that as
partners an affair is completely forbidden. It could mean the end of us forever. But
lately…well lately…that has been the only thing on my mind.
I find myself looking forward to work every day. I take extra time in the morning to
make sure I look the best I can. My god, I've even discarded the clothing that he doesn't
like me in. I've been more flirtatious than usual. I've been much more touchy-feely than
usual too – and more may be a little too much because I've always been very touchy in
the past anyway. I find myself frequently daydreaming about him. I also can't wait to
get to sleep so I can fantasize about being with him in the way that I know real life would
never allow.
…More tomorrow
My Journal:
Another day has passed. Another day full of adventure and suspense. Another day with
Rick Hunter. I have so much respect for this man. I watch him handle himself
beautifully under pressure. Today we spent the day on the streets. We were questioning
people in an attempt to get a lead on a suspect in our latest case. We had nothing!
Hunter, however, got a feeling for one of the people and worked absolute magic. Well,
needless to say we now have 3 new leads on this case. It's incredible just watching this
man work. He knows his job so well. Just being a witness to his mind, scary as it may be
at times, is an experience all of it's own. We were made for each other. This I truly
believe.
He has brought out the absolute best in me and I think I've done the same service for
him. We were both so hard-nosed, edgy, angry, and pessimistic about life itself seven
years ago. To watch us together now - it seems like a rebirth.
I've been heavily thinking about confessing these feelings to Rick. How would he react?
Would it be best to let these feelings just live freely in my own head? I mean, could Rick
and I really have a life together outside of the station? I don't know, but I'm leaning
towards 'yes!'
…More tomorrow
My Journal
I could kill him. I could smother him with my own pillow…if only I could get his ass
over here. Actually, if I could get his ass over here it's not smothering him that would
really appeal to me. I could think of many other things I'd like to do to him.
Anyway, we had a crappy day. So crappy, in fact, we bailed out early to get away from
it. His mood sucked badly. I asked him if he wanted to get some dinner before heading
home. Get this, he actually told me he wanted to leave early today to get away from
work and…ME! He told me he wanted to get away from me!
And so I will end today's journal the same way I started it: I could kill him.
…More tomorrow, and let's hope things are better!
My Journal:
Oh no, today was not a good day and I'm really rethinking everything. How could I have
ever possibly been into Rick Hunter? He is just the most…he's mean, he's rude, he's not
at all considerate of anyone around him, not even me. What an idiot! He messed up so
badly today. After being a cop for as long as he has been one, you'd think he'd know
how to do his job. Well, guess what…he doesn't! Complete idiot!
Was I actually saying that I have feelings for Hunter? Was I actually thinking about a
possible affair? Telling him I might be interested in him? Ha! Was I at all attracted to
this man? Someone shoot me please. I can't stand the bastard!
…More tomorrow
My Journal:
I just love him. We went out for lunch today (believe it or not, he actually treated me!!!!)
to talk about how crappy this week has been. He's just so aware of everyone around
him…especially me. He's really spectacular. I mean, what a man! He's back to his old
self and it's just so good to be around him. I could be around this man forever.
So, I started thinking again about what life with Rick Hunter would really be like. I think
I'm going to ask him out for this weekend. Yeah, I think I'll ask him on a date. But I
won't really phrase it like that. I'm not sure what I'll say, but I really want to spend this
weekend with him. And, maybe…just maybe, this will be our first weekend together of
many to come. Wish me luck!
…Stay tuned
PART 2
My Journal:
I can't stand him. I asked him what his plans are and he's already going out on a date
this weekend. I must have seemed really disappointed and he picked up on that. He
actually asked me what was wrong. I don't know how I didn't spill everything right then
and there.
I can't really see Rick out on other dates. Who is this girl? Where did he meet her?
How does he have time to meet all these woman anyway? What's that about? Where is
he taking her? Oh my god, is he going to sleep with this woman? I'm going to throw up!
…until tomorrow
My Journal:
The weekend was long and boring. I didn't do anything. My friends are used to me
being away from their click, so they all had plans this weekend that I wasn't apart of. I
have no one, I have nothing! I'm bored and lonely and really wanting Rick. I was
actually glad that Monday appeared again. It was good to see him. I asked him about his
date. He didn't have much to say. He told me he wouldn't be asking her out again. I
simply couldn't wipe away the smile from my face.
…until tomorrow
My Journal:
Rick asked me to dinner tonight. We had a blast! Why have I been looking everywhere
else for the perfect man when he's been right here…directly in front of me…working
next to me for the last seven years? Seven years wasted. Well, not really wasted.
Actually, not wasted at all. We've built an incredible friendship. We've built so much
more than even that. But now is the time. This is just so right. I know this is right. I
have to tell him. I can only hope he feels the same way. Tomorrow is the day!
Tonight I thought about telling him. I thought about telling him how much he means to
me, about how much I truly do love and respect him. I thought about telling him all of
the feelings I for him and asking him if he wants the same thing from me that I want from
him. I thought about it, but I got kind of nervous. But no more of that! Tomorrow is
definitely the day.
…tomorrow will be the day
My Journal:
He did it again! He robbed me of my time. Today was supposed to be the day, but he
didn't give me as much as a second. There was no time for anything today. We didn't
even have a break for lunch. We were so busy. So busy in fact, he claimed exhaustion
and didn't take me up on my offer for dinner, even when I told him I'd cook. He wants a
rain check. Well, rain check my ass.
…until later
(Months have gone by…)
My Journal:
It doesn't seem like I'll ever be able to talk to him about this. My feelings have
absolutely, positively not changed. I am still as interested in developing something with
Rick tonight as I was when this journal started 4 months ago. It's just that I'm wondering
if I shouldn't leave it along for right now.
I continually lose all my nerve in confessing these feelings any time an opportunity
presents itself. We spent a great deal of time together, alone, over these past 4 months. I
could have come clean many times, but something's keeping me back from doing just
that.
I'm thinking the fear of his response is the reason why I haven't said anything. Maybe
he'll stare blankly and then what? What would I do? What if he has never felt this way
about me? What if it's all just in my head? What if I make a complete fool of myself?
I'll never be able to look at him again!
I've been thinking of doing something drastic. Maybe I should just do it and get it over
with. Well, I've been thinking about taking this journal and just mailing to entire book to
him. Then I don't have to face him if his answer is 'no' and he can prepare a nice way of
letting me down instead of having to do that on the spot. I really don't want to put him in
that position. Actually, I really don't want to be on the receiving end of that scenario. I
don't know, I'll have to think more about it.
My Journal:
I've made a huge decision! I am completely incapable of telling Rick Hunter what he
means to me. I will not now or ever be able to tell him everything I feel for and about
him. So, I have decided that I will mail him this journal and let him read it all for
himself. I've re-read some of my entries and at first wanted to start editing. But then I
stopped myself, refused to read anymore, have decided to make this last entry, and then
just mail this journal to him.
Of course, I am hoping for the best. I am hoping that after he reads this he will come
over with a bottle of champagne and offer a toast to our joint decision to make a go of
some kind of future together. I am hoping that after the champagne we toss away the
conversation and meet for our first real kiss. I am hoping that we end up in bed making
love that somehow puts my fantasies to shame. I am really, really, desperately hoping
this is the response he'll have. But, I am also trying to prepare myself for what else may
happen.
Rick, I just hope if you are not interested in trying this with me that you will be kind.
Because I have obviously given all of this a great deal of thought and I am as sure as I
can be that this would be an incredible move for us. If you feel otherwise, please be kind.
I'm sure I don't have to request that of you, but just in case. I hope that this doesn't ruin
our friendship because that truly is the most important thing to me. I would easily
sacrifice everything else to hold on to what we have now, even if that means not trying
out a new relationship with you. Because without our friendship and our partnership, I
don't know how I would ever go on. By no means do I want my feelings…this journal,
to ruin what we have spent years building.
I will accept any response you have to offer. I will place no pressure upon you. I will try
to expect nothing from you one way or the other. I'm just asking that you think about all
I've written. Please know that I love you dearly, now and always, regardless of what is
bound to happen.
-With my deepest respect, regard, and pure love,
DeeDee
'Has he received it yet?' McCall wondered. 'McCall has seemed so high-strung for
these last few days', thought Hunter. He left work and returned home. In his pile of mail
came a package. He looked at the return address and saw the package was sent from
DeeDee. He abandoned the rest of his mail and opened the package. He noticed the
book and opened the first page titled My Journal.
DeeDee remained a nervous wreck since placing the package in the mailbox three days
earlier. Had she made a mistake? What would Hunter do? He had to have it by now,
didn't he? Maybe he already got it, read it, and didn't know what to say so he just never
brought it up. Maybe all day long he was thinking about it like she was, only she didn't
know that he had already read it. 'Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. What did I do?' she
asked herself.
At 8:34 p.m. DeeDee's doorbell rang. She had already taken a shower, wet head
wrapped in a towel, no make up on, and wearing her robe. 'Oh no Hunter, not now,' she
let go this silent prayer. "Who is it?"
"DeeDee, it's me, Rick. Can I come in."
'Please let this be easy.' She shakingly unlocked her front door and allowed him entry
into her home. "Hi Hunter, come in." Hours seemed to passed and both just stared at the
other. "Umm, can I get you something? A soda maybe?"
"No, DeeDee. I don't need a soda. But, can you please get 2 champagne glasses?" And
with that he pulled from behind his back a bottle of champagne.
"Umm, Rick? I???"
"To toast our new start," he concluded. That was all that needed to be said – she fully
understood. The bottle was placed on the coffee table and DeeDee ran towards Rick's
open arms for their first real kiss. Finally the two went upstairs.