[Dave] Why is everyone under the desk
[Kerry] Why aren't you under the desk? (is pulled under by Kerry)
[Dave] Chief, getting a little frisky, huh?
[Kerry] By whose standards?
[Dave]My standards, I thought you werent into guys, but I guess no women can resist my charms,and OW!!! (Is hit by Kerry's cane)
[Kerry] Shut up and kiss me.
[Dave} Well, what ever gets me a raise...
[Benton] Let's not talk about who's raised and why.
[Romano] Feeling a bit left out huh Dr. Benton?
[Benton] No, but whats going on over in chairs is getting to me, why do you think were under the desk?
[Romano] Is that a patient chasing Carter with and IV?
[Chen]Yes, hes a bum we found out on the street, it seemes that they are fighting about whose life is more messed up.
[Benton] I've got 5 on Carter, who's in?
[Abby] I'm in for ten, and don't ask me why, but I know I'll win.( Thinks about vikaden)
[Luka]I'll pay for her, because I'm a georgeous gentleman who respects and treats the ladies right, and it's very sweet of me.
[Romano] I was under the impression that Europeans didn't shower?
[Elizabeth] Then you must be European, Dr. Romano, right?
[Romano]What, associate with those freaks? No offense Kovach, but your whole 'brooding-evil-within-me-thing'? Not too appealing. You should really work on that.
[Kovac] Well,DUDE, you don't know...(Luka begins swearing in Croctian, and everyone lookes at him for a second, then goes back to Carter, who has the bum pinned to the ground)
[Carter] (is holding down the bum and looks up at everyone) Why isn't anyone helping me, HELL-O, patient attacking me with an IV here, Christ on a Crutch do we need a repeat of the Valentine's day incident for you people to get your asses in gear, And another thing.... (Carter continues to go Bitchcakes)
[Benton] Five dollars says he brings up Anna Delaminco.
[Romano] (We hear Carter mutter in the background, "I heard that!") I'd choose
my words carefully if I were you Peter, if you're not careful he might end up under a train, ala Gant. (Everyone, including the bum and Carter, stop and look at Benton)
[Bum] Whose Gant? (Carter slugs him)
[Some person] (comes running in all bloody) Help! You have to help me!
[Kerry] Were closed for trauma. Go harass someone at Mercy. (Bum#2 starts throwing up blood, Kerry throws him an emison basin)
[Benton] Oh no,(looking up towars sky) They are comming to take Cleo back to her home planet, not my love!(Benton starts crying, Cleo sheads her skin to reveal CleoTron)
[Carter] Ha! Say, speaking of adding insult to injury, anyone wanna break out the pics from doctor Benton's appendectomy? I promise, they rock. (He leaves the now unconcious bum, puking bum #2, and the bloody trauma victim to their own demise and walks toward the desk)
[CleoTron]Only if I can have copies before Scotty beams me up.
[Carter] Lucky for you, I have extra copies in case of an emergency.
[Romano] I need some, I ran out of things to ride him about, an emergency!
[Carter] (Despenses the photos to those in need and waves goodbye to Cleobot) So...shouldn't we be helping people or something?
[Mark]Let's go to the gay bar down the street instead!
[Carter] Pipe down Crome-Dome! I mean, hey Mark, what's up.
[Mark]You remember, acouple of months ago we went to the gay bar when you were really stoned and then we went back to my place...
[Carter] (quickly interupts Mark) Oh MY God! The Tumor is causing dementia, we have to get him to surgery. I'll book the OR. (he calls up while the others strap a protesting Mark to the gurney)
[Abby]*grabs Luka, kisses him passionately and pushes him away* How'd ya like that, Angel of Death! *Does the same to Carter* Can't forget the Drugstore-Cowboy! Tee-hee! *runs away giggling like a schoolgirl*
[Mark] Carter, don't you remember the times we had together? (starts sobbing)
[Carter] Hey, we said we wouldn't talk about that...er I mean, Wow I can't believe this dementia. (starts talking to mark like he's 5 yrs old) It's ok Mark. We're going to take care of you, you have nothing to worry about. (As the techs are wheeling Mark away he twirls his finger around his ear, making the universal 'crazy' sign)
[Romano] Hey Lizzy, since your cheating boy-joy fiance is now crazy, wanna hook up?
[Elizabeth] Uck, Sod off! (She follows the gurney up to the OR as everyone else gives Romano the stink-eye)
(Chase Carter rolls in in a wheelchair)
[Chase] Timmy! Timmy! Rrrrbrrrerraaa!!!
[Dave] Who's that?
[Carter] I don't know, never seen him before. (he starts to walk the other way)
[Mark] (sitting in loony bin reading his script) This was NOT how I was supposed to leave the show!
[Corday] mark, this is A HOSPITAL. you're not on A TV SHOW.
(Mark just gives her a 'yeah whatever' look. Back in the land of non-impending deaths..)
[Romano] Too bad Lizzy's hung up on tumor boy, we could have been great together.
[Dave] Why are all the nurses still under the desk?
[Carter] My guess is they're hiding from YOU Dave. (He then smiles at him to let him know that he's only joking)
[Chase] Hey...I can talk! Its a miracle!
[Carter] Want some fries?
[Chase] We just had fries last week!
[Lydia] (comes running up) Carter we need you in trauma 2, Luka's killing another patient.
[Carter] This inner demons storyline is getting so boring. (walkes off towards Trauma two)
(A few minutes later Carter comes walking toward the admit desk)
[Lydia] So did you make it in time? (Everyone watches as Carter walks toward the board and adds another skull and bones stamp beside Luka's name as he's humming "Another one bites the dust")
[Abby] Im starting to lean a little more towards Carter...
[Dave] Carter? What's he got that I don't got?
[Carter] Money.
[Haleh] Personality. (Everyone takes a turn in naming something)
[Dave] I have better abs (everyone nods in reluctant agreement)
[Carter] Yeah, but my ass is cuter. (everyone agrees, even Romano and Benton.) So suck on that Malucci! *He walks away with a smile on his face*
[Dave] From the look of things, Romano and Benton want to suck on that... (Benton and Romano nod in agreement)
[Mark] No! He's mine! (starts sobbing again)
(Everyone starts fighting over Carter and soon a riot insues. Doctors are hitting patients, patients are hitting dotors, it's a mess. Carter runs and hids in a closet. Soon the chicago PD arrives)
[Cop] Ok people break it up, break it up!
[Cop] Everyone here knows he's mine! (rioting ensues)
(The paramedics arrive)
[Paramedic 1] What the hell is going on here?
[EMT#2] Apparently they don't know that Carter is Benton's bitch.
[Benton] (looks up from fighting) You heard the man, so you suckas can just step off! (he goes in search of Carter)
[Mark] First there killing me off and now I found out that Carter is Benton's Bitch? Oh the horrors of life! I should have joined NASA!!!
[Dave] Dude, aren't you dead yet?
[Mark] And I don't even die untill 2002! They let me linger then kill me off before the new Star Wars movie comes out!
(Everyone just stares at Mark. Cut to Benton knocking on a closet door)
[Benton] Carter? You in there?
[Carter]No hablar ingles
[Benton] Carter, stop goofing off and open this door!
[Carter] I love Mark!!!
[Benton] What? Carter man, did you hit your head or something?
[Carter] I don't want to be your bitch anymore Benton! I love Mark and he loves me!
[Benton] Carter, is this about last night? Look I told you I got hung up at work, I still love you man. (Still greeted by silence, Benton tries another approach)Tell you what, if you open the door I'll get you an ice cream.
[Carter] I won't fall for your tricks anymore Peter Benton! I no longer sell my body for ice cream!
[Carter] I won't…wait, are we talking sprinkles here?
[Benton] And a cherry on top...
[Carter] Kay! (he says happily, opens the door and launches himself into Benton's waiting arms.)
[Carter] Oh Benton, tell me Ill always be your bitch!
(Benton is about to talk, but Kerry comes around the corner)
[Kerry] Benton, Carter, stop goofing off and GET BACK TO WORK!
[Benton] Why, you need this closet? I was here first.
(Kerry pulls out a time sheet, and shows Benton)
[Kerry] This closet is reserved for my three o clock with Romano. (Kerry gets the closet because Benton and Carter run to the bathroom to throw up)
(The two men run past Romano, who just shakes his head)
[Romano] So what's this I hear about a meeting? And let's make it quick, I have places to be.
(We hear Marvin Gaye's 'Let's Get It On' start playing as the scene phases out)
[Dave] Thus another day in a fan-run ER episode.