(Benton walks into the ER with a happy smile on his face--Carter follows close behind, like a little puppy. Benton sees Dave)
[Benton] Oh Dave! You will never believe the dream I had! You were there (points to Abby), and you!(points to Mark), and you! And Romano too!!! Oh there's no place like Cook County!!!
(Carter laughs nervously and whispers to everyone..)
[Carter] Just smile and nod. (They do) Come on Benton you've got a small bowel obstruction with your name on it. (He says and steers him to surgery)
[Benton] Boy Howdy!!!
(The staff stares after Benton in confusion)
[Deb] Is it just me or does Benton seem a little, um, off?
[Gabe] He seems ok to me.
[Dave] (under his breath) I'll bet. (Just then Carter comes walking toward the admit desk)
[Carter] Yea, he's been acting funny. He even said good morning to me and shook my hand...I almost fainted!!"
(Just then Romano comes running down from the O.R, he looks disturbed)
[Romano] Ok Benton's lost it. He set off the sprinkler system and is dancing around and "singing in the rain" (he looks at Carter) I guess you two have worked out your problems.
[Romano] I can read dreams. Greatle is a psychic dog.
(Everyone just looks at him like he's nuts)
[Carter] Okaaaay. (To everyone else) Maybe there's something going around up in surgery. Hey Mark, has Elizabeth been acting weird?
Mark] Actually, she has been hanging around Romano more and more lately...
[Lizzie] What are you talking about, I'm so pregnant Romano only lets me do paper work and kiss his a**! I don't know what you are talking about, Benton is just as nuts as romano is!!"
(We see Benton and Romano dancing)
[Benton & Romano] Scooby Scooby Doo, Where are you, we've got some work to do now!!!!
[Carter] I wonder what's causing this hysteria? (Eventually it is discovered that their behavior is caused by the new 'health food' in the vending machines. Real food, i.e. sweets, is put back into the machine and Benton and Romano are sent home) And I have to go home to that. (he says, indicating Benton. He gets nods of sympathy from the staff.)
[Kerry] Today is Gay Friday! (everyone cheers)
(Everyone starts to party and they get the music going. Mark tries to dance with Carter but Carter runs the other way, so he has to settle for Kovac. Just then Kim comes down from psych.)
[Kim] What's going on?
[Carter] Its Gay Friday!
(Fortunately there's a big storm so there are no ER cases. The party is going great and everyone is getting loaded. Carter jumps up on the admit desk and starts to dance to "I'm too sexy")
[Dave & Mark] Whoooo! Take it off! (everyone yells for him to take it off)
[Carter] (shrugs) OK. (takes off Lab coat)
[Staff] Whooohoooo!!!]
(Carter starts to really get into it. He takes off is stethoscope and tie.)
[Susan] Looks like I came back at just the right time! (She starts to put money into his belt. As he's starting to undo his shirt Benton walks in)
[Benton] Carter! That's supposed to be our private strip tease for Gay Friday! You're doing it for everybody? How could you?
[Carter] shrugs They paid me. (Benton gets Carter of the desk and receives many boo's and hisses from the crowd)
[Benton] You would trade what we have for a couple of lap dancing dollars? (starts to squeak hia voice and cry)
[Carter] Are you still upset about that dream? (Benton looks down) I promise I'll never leave you. (He gives him a big ol' hug. Everyone watches them sweetly and dries their eyes)
[Mark] That's so beautiful!
(Just then a paramedic calls over the radio and says that there's been a big fire down at the gay bar. There were only a few injuries but the bar burned to the ground.)
[Mark] Nooooooooooooooooo! (he collapses to the ground)
[Kerry} NOT THE GAY BAR!! (entire staff starts sobbing)
[Carter] I know!
[Mark] What?
[Carter] Lets turn Trauma 1 into a Gay bar! We can go whenever we want, and make the hospital some extra money! We can call it the Cook County Gay Bar!
(staff cheers)
(the start to set it up)
[Carter] I'll be the bartender (But everyone disagrees. They decide that he should be the entertainment and shove him into one of the go-go cages. Benton walks in and sees what they've done and gets pissed)
[Benton] Carter!!
[Dave] Hey Dr. Pete, chill out. (He tries to hand Benton a drink but Benton is having none of it and slaps it out of his hand. He then starts chasing Dave around for the keys to the go-go cage)
[Benton] Carter is mine! i WILL NOT HAVE YOU DESPLAYING HIM LIKE THAT! (meanwhile...Carter is doing a striptease)
[Carter] Yeah! You know how I like dollar bills! Yeah baby!
(Just then Benton tackles Dave)
[Benton] Hand over those keys!!!
[Dave] Never!
Dave tosses the keys to Mark who is sitting with Yosh playing footsie under the table.
[DAVE] Yo can get off me now, besides Benton you are so not my type!!!(Dave winks at Carter which pisses Benton off even more)
(Benton and Dave get into another slap fight, we see a drunk Romano and Lizzy making out in the corner)
[Lizzy] Robbie! I love the way that you have no hair! Oh I love everything about you!
(Romano looks smug)
[Romano] I know
(Just then Carter has found a way out of the cage and is trying to sneak around Benton and Dave, who are wrestling around on the floor.)
(Dave catches Carter out of the corner of his eye, which distracts him and gives Peter the chance to sucker punch him)
[Dave](with the wind knocked out of him) STOP! CARTER, HE IS GETTING AWAY!!!
(Just then Carter starts to run like mad with Benton and Dave close behind. He makes for the elevator and slips inside just before the door closes. He breaths a sigh of relief, without noticing the other person in the elevator)
[Romano] Why Hello Carter. (Carter starts frantically pushing buttons)
(Dave and Benton look at each other, and then at the stair case)
[Benton] Let's take the stairs, you go to the 5th floor and I go to the 4th floor
[Dave] How come I gotta run a longer distance?
[Benton] You're in better shape!
(The two men run off)
(Cut back to Carter who's in the elevator. He hits the emergency button and the elevator stops in between the second and third floor. He pries the door open and climbs out.)
[Romano] Was it me? (he shrugs) Owell.
(he hits the button and the elevator starts up again. It stops on the 4th floor. The doors open to reveal an angry Dr. Benton)
[Benton] Where's Carter!
[Romano] Cage Boy? Boy can he dance...
Meanwhile back at "Cook County Gay Bar" Lizzie stumbles around looking for Romano and bumps into Kerry and Kim making out on the dance floor)
[Lizzy]Oh, excuse me you two, may I have the next dance, I seem to have lost my dance partner.
[Kim] Of course, (She steps around Kerry to get to Lizzy) I just love that english accent
[Mark] Hey Kovak, looks like someone ELSES accent is getting them some action!
[Luka]I got all the action I need right here. HEY Dave's back everyone!!!
(noone really seems to care. Mark just shrugs)
[Mark] so Dave, did you find Carter?
[Dave](sadly) No, I lost him as he ran into the elevator.
[Mark] Well what good is that? WE NEED A CAGE DANCER!
(Mark and Luka look at each other and a lightbulb appears over their heads. They look back at Dave)
[Dave] (fearfully) What? (They shove him into the cage) Hey, you can't do this! I will not endure this humiliation, I will not..say, this ain't so bad. (he starts to get his groove on)
(Now the attention turns to Dave, who is slowly starting his dancing in the cage)
[Mark & Luka] TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!
(Dave starts to unbutton his scrub top, and then takes it off. He starts whipping it around like a lasso, and throws it at an excited Mark. It lands on his head.)
[Dave} Hey this ain't so bad at all!
[Crowd] THE PANTS! TAKE OFF THE PANTS!
(Just then Carter sneaks in and walks up beside Lydia)
[Carter] What's going on?
[Mark] (Swinging Dave's scrub top) We got Dave to take your spot, and I must say at first it didn't seem like a good idea, but I'd say you got some competition.
[Staff & various patrons from the origional Gay Club] Go White Boy, Go White Boy!
(Carter starts to fume at Mark's remark and other staff members are egging him on)
[Carter] I'll show you competition!!! (He jumps on the table and starts to dance to "Hot Stuff")
(Carter still shirtless from before, now starts to remove his pants, so Dave rips his pants off revealing his sexy muscular legs, and his italian flag boxers. Carter has heart boxers)
[Dave] What original boxers you have Carter, what would you people rather see, some skinny white boy or an ITALIAN STALLION?!
[Mark] Well, actually, when that skinny white boy's Carter…(But he's interrupted as Carter launches himself at Dave and they start to fight. The crowd is really getting their money's worth tonight! Just then Benton runs in and gets mad a Malucci.)
[Benton] What the hell are you doing to Carter? (Benton jumps into the fight and somehow ends up with no clothes on. Mark and Yosh dissapear then reappear with a bucket of mud, dumping it over all three of them.)
(Romano breaks out his camera)
[Romano] These will look nice on my office wall. (Meanwhile Carter is shoving Dave's face in the mud and yelling at him for talking about his 'skinny' body)
(meanwhile, Benton is doing one of those wrestling backwards leg grab moves, where by he sits on Malucci's back just above his rear, and pulls his leg backward)
[Dave] Hey monkey man LET GO OF MY LEG NOW!!(Since the mud makes Benton's grip slippery, Dave spins around and goes to Kick Benton in the teeth, but Carter's head gets in the way, and Carter is knocked unconscious)
[Mark] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo!!!!!!! FOR GOSH SAKES SOMEONE GET A GURNEY!!! (everyone looks at Mark like 'not again!' and throws more mud over Carter to revive him)
(Benton gets up and knocks everyone out of the way)
[Benton] GET OFFA MY BOY! (he bends down towards Carter) Carter, hey Carter, can you hear me man. (he starts to get weepy as the roll him away for a CT. Just then Benton spots Dave and goes psycho he grabs the sternal saw off the tray table and charges towards Dave) Come here! (he starts up the saw)
(Dave looks at Benton charging him with the sternal saw)
[Dave] HOLY CRAP!!! Benton you are outta your mind!!
(Dave turns to run, but slips and falls he turns around just in time to get out of the fatal run in with the saw, but Benton still snags Dave on the shoulder blade with the saw. Benton then tries to get Dave again but Dave sticks his leg out and trips Benton who falls right on the sternal saw FACE FIRST, blood and
guts and gray matter fly all over Dave and the rest of the mud wrestlers)
(Just then Carter wakes up from his horrible nightmare in the CT)
[Carter] Ahhhhhhhh! (just then Benton walks in, and yes, with his head still attached) Oh thank goodness, I had the most horrible dream (he proceeds to tell Benton about it.)
(As Carter tells Benton his crazy dream, Dave comes in covered with MUD)
[Carter] Dave! What the hell happened to you???
[Dave] Dr. Pete got a little carried away (he ignores the look Benton gives him at being called 'Dr. Pete) So Carter, your ok right? (he asks worriedly)
(Dave goes to the sink and starts to wash at least his hands and face for now, Benton tries to control his laughter under his breath. As Dave wipes the mud out of his bleached blond hair Benton remarks
[Benton] Well Malucci, we all thought you looke better as a brunette anyway.
(He laughs smugly and Dave grabs a huge glob of mud off of his head and flings it at Peter, hitting him square in the face)
[Carter] (points at Benton) Ha!
(Benton fumes at Malucci,and spits mud out of his mout, but turns his attention to the hysterically laughing Carter)
[Benton] You think this is funny, yeah Dave, good one you really got me good, you incompetant little Scheiß. STOP LAUGHING CARTER!!(Benton takes the glob off his face, and throws it at Carter now)
[Carter] Hey, no fair! I'm lying here defenseless. (starts to grin) Besides, it could be a good look for you. (he starts laughing again and so does Dave. Benton gets mad and stomps out) Aww, don't be like that. I LOVE YOU! (we here Benton mutter some more angry words down the hall. Carter is still laughing.) Aww, I think he's mad at me. So Dave, got any plans?
[Dave] Surprisingly no, I am working a double shift, and I have like 1/2 hour before my next one, I will probably go to Doc Magoo's grab something quick, and come back before Festus has any time to bitch at me.
(Carter looks at Dave strangely, and kind of with a look of surprised horror yet comedy as he noticed what Dave didn't and that was that Kerry was standing behind Dave from the words "Doc Magoo's" You can see Kerry's fuming, and she is now begining to tap that crutch of hers)
[Kerry] (narrows her eyes) Hello Malucci
(Dave turns around fumbling with the words that will save his butt cuz there really aren't any at this point. He just kind of looks at her embarrassingly and manages to stammer out a cover up that Kerry obviously isn't buying)
[Dave] uh...hey Chief what's going on? Heh, didn't see you standing there, uh...you're looking very uh....nice...today?
(Carter tries with no avail to hold in his uproarous laughter)
[Carter] And that's my cue to leave. Besides, I have to go find Benton. Good luck Dave! (he says and runs out laughing)
[Kerry] Well Dr. Malucci, since I seem to have come in durring a great joke at my expence, perhaps you could clue ME in to what exactly the joke was about, or maybe you enjoy doing desk work for the next say 2 months or so...That means NO TRAUMAS and NO STERNAL SAW AND NO BLOOD AND GUTS
OF ANY KIND!! Do I make myself PERFECTLY clear???
[Dave] NO BLOOD OR GUTS!!!! NOOOOO!!! ILL BE GOOD, I PROMISE!!!
(Kerry laughs evily. Cut to Carter searching for Benton. He walks up to the admit desk)
[Carter] Anyone seen Benton?
[Randi] I just saw him leave with Luka.
[Carter] WHAT!!!
[Randi] God, I'm just kidding. Don't be so anal..uh. ahem, Benton's in the lounge.
(Carter finds Benton in the lounge washing the mud off his face and tongue. Benton hears Carter come in turns to look at him, flashes him the evil eye and goes back to what he was doing.)
[Carter] Oh, come on Benton, don't be such a baby, it's just a little mud, it's not gonna kill you. I might if you don't talk to me... Oh, come on Benton, if the tables were turned and it was Malucci up here, you'd be hysterical...Fine, I am going back downstairs to talk to DAVE, at least HE has a sense of humor, morbid as it may be. (Carter leaves)
[Benton] Who cares. (smiles as Yosh comes in)
[Yosh] Time for your sponge bath Dr. Benton...
[Benton] (His smile quickly fades) Hey Carter wait up! I'm sorry, you were right. Come back, I love yoooooouuu…..(he chases after him. Carter stops and waits for him to catch up with a smile on his face)
[Carter] ha ha, I knew you'd come back, you actually think I was gonna go talk to Dave? Why do you think I sent Yosh in there, I knew you wouldn't let him sponge you. I knew I was in the clear, besides, if you made me actually have to keep my word about talking to Dave, I would have had to kill you. Lets go get lunch.
[Benton] ok, but I get to pick.
[Carter] No way! I'm not eating tofu again. (they walk out arguing about where to eat)
(Mark walks into the lounge and find Luka who is supposed to be working, sleeping on the couch.)
[Mark] Hey Kovac, you dumb Croat,(Luka abruptly awakes) you are on the clock, what is wrong with you today anyway? Hurry before Kerry or Romano sees you, I doubt if they will be so nice.
(Luka holds his hand up)
[Luka] Talk to the hand. (shrugs) I heard it somewhere. (Just then Kerry walks in)
[Kerry] DR. KOVAK! You are supposed to be on duty, NOT sleeping in the lounge, there are patients to be seen, and you had better see them, or you will be talking only to your hand because you won't have a job or patients to talk to..DO I HAVE TO GET THE RAPE WHISTLE??? GOD, you are turning in to the next Malucci more and more everyday now, what has gotten into you??
(just then a paper airplane hits her in the back of the head)
[Kerry] MALUCCI! (she screetches as she crutches out)
(Malucci is in the hall talking to Randi with his back toward Kerry, he didn't even have time to notice her crutch fly up let alone have time to jump out of the way before Kerry slammed the end of her crutch into his back. Malucci yells in pain)
[Kerry] Maybe that will teach you to grow up, but I doubt it, you no good lazy incompetant sorry excuse for the profession!
[Malucci] That's it! (he tackles Kerry and they get into a slap fight. Soon other join in and eventually there's a full riot. Just then Benton and Carter walk in from lunch. They see what's going on, look at each other, shake their heads, and walk back out. Just then Mark climbs from under the masses and yells…)
[Mark] QUICK SOMEONE GET SOME SUCTURES!!! KERRY JUST BIT OFF MALUCCI'S EAR!!!
(Kerry climbs out from the masses with the Malucci's ear still in her teeth, screaming incoherently something about Iron Kerry Weaver. Malucci climbs out from beneath the pile with blood all over him holding the side of his head where his ear had once been. He stares in horror at Kerry who has just spit the ear on the dirty hospital floor. He quickly dives and grabs his ear and gets out of the way before she can chomp off his other one.)
(Eventually he's taken up to plastic surgery to reattach his ear while Kerry is taken to the psych ward to 'mellow out'. Mark is left in charge of the ER. Just then Kenny Law walks in with a cut on his arm)
[Kenny] (he sees Mark) Hey whitey, I need some stitches. And don't kill me like you did my brother!
[Mark] We aren't in the business of killing people Mr. Law, so take a seat in chairs, and we will find a doctor to take care of that arm for you.
[Mark] (Under his Breath) In the next millenia...
(2 hours later, Kenny Law has now bleed to death in chairs and Dave is resting in his room after his operation. Suddenly there's a knock on his door)
[Dave] who is it?
[Creepy Voice] What's youre favorite scary movie?
[Dave](Unenthusiastic) Showgirls, no contest, yeah, we have all seen the movie, so if you are Kerry looking to see if my other ear tastes just as good as the one you already got HANNIBAL, just go away, I am not in the mood to see anyone right at this moment.
(Kovak walks in the room with a funny grin on his face)Kovak, good to see you...(Kovak falls face first on the floor, dead from a stab wound to the back, Malucci stares in horror as...
as...Abby comes into the room holding a knife.
[Abby] So Im just the OB girl huh? Well...(Abby starts ranting. Dave lookes at her for a moment then turns on the television)
(The news was on tv, and Dave flipped the channel)
(Abby)Oh,come on Dave, cheer up a little, they reatttached the ear and Kerry is down in psych. Isn't there anything, well almost anything we can do to make you fell better?
[Dave] yeah, leave the room. (Goes back to channel surfing. Abby gets mad and hacks Dave to bits. She then leaves the knife on top of a supply cart in the hall)