I think Ken loves me. I'm wondering if I love him back.

Well, okay, maybe love isn't the word I'm looking for, exactly. I care about him, to be sure; he's my best friend, and the only friend I've had who's never laughed in my face. It seems so weird, because I'd like to say that I love all my friends equally. It feels unfair, somehow, to pick one of them and say, "I love you best of all, you're my favorite, anyone else would be second-best." But it would be a lie, to say I don't. I do have a favorite. This must be how my mother felt, back when me and Jun would demand to know which of us was her favorite. She would say that she loved us both equally and she didn't have a favorite.

I always knew this was a lie, though. I always knew that I was her favorite, because I was her baby.

But that was really unfair of us, to ask that she pick. And it's unfair of me to say that I have a favorite among my friends, but that's the truth.

Even if it weren't for everything else, I would love Ken as my friend, my best friend, the one who's never laughed in my face. Ken seems to laugh a lot, but never at me. If I've done something stupid, something typically Daisuke, he'll laugh about it, but somehow I know that he's laughing with me, as if I'd done it on purpose just to be amusing.

Sometimes, I have to admit, I will do stupid things on purpose, just to hear him laugh.

Ken rarely laughs around other people. That's one of the things that first clued me in that something had changed between us. For instance, there was that Christmas party at Ken's house a few weeks ago, when Ken laughed and everyone else acted like they'd just seen a pink elephant dancing on the ceiling. They acted like they'd never seen Ken laugh before, and it embarrassed him, I could tell. It confused me at first, although I wasn't too awfully sorry to see him blush; he is incredibly beautiful when he blushes. Later, though, I was thinking about it, and it occurred to me that maybe they hadn't ever seen Ken laugh.

He laughs freely around me, though. Maybe because I don't make a federal case out of it when he does. Nobody should have undue attention drawn to them for acting normal - that just points out the fact that they were abnormal before, and makes it harder to fit in.

That's not the only thing that makes me think that there's something more than friendship going on, though. There's the way Ken is always touching himself, running his fingers through his hair, resting his hand on the side of his neck, brushing his lips. The first few times he did it, he would glance at me, as if to make sure I was watching, before doing it some more. Later, I guess, he just started trusting that I'd be watching. And I am. I always am. Once, I started to wonder why he was doing it, but then I figured he probably just liked the way his skin feels. Ken's skin is very smooth and soft, like a kitten's fur; I found out once when he was depressed and started to cry, and I wiped the tears off his cheek. His face was so soft, I could barely feel it.

He never did tell me what he was crying about, that one time ...

Anyway, whenever Ken starts touching himself, he doesn't bother to look anymore, to see if I'm watching. I always am. He never does it in front of the others, either, just like he never laughs in front of them. It's just as well ... what it does to me to see him petting the side of his neck is something I'd rather the others not know about. They have enough things to tease me about, things I've done voluntarily. I can't help how I react to Ken when he's in one of his little moods.

Ken never teases me. He's always laughing with me, never at me. I never laugh at him, either, although sometimes he can really crack me up with one of his dry little observations about the workings of the world. Everything must seem so ridiculous to Ken. He can see the ridiculous side to anything, although sometimes his observations are rather dark and morbid. They're still funny, just in a dark and morbid way.

Being around Ken is being accepted for what I am. I'm Motomiya Daisuke. Sometimes I screw up. Doesn't everyone? Sometimes I do things exactly right. Doesn't everyone? I'm not perfect. I'm not witty. I'm not romantic. I'm a bit of a clown, and I like it that way. Life was never meant to be taken seriously.

Ken doesn't look down on me when I goof off or goof up. He tolerates me, but more than that, he accepts me. He doesn't tease me for not fitting into his little model of what a boy like me should be like.

Neither of us really fits in, but we seem to fit each other.

I don't tease anybody anymore myself. I used to. I admit it, and I admit that it was cruel of me sometimes. I'm a little ashamed of how I used to act when I was younger, and I try to make up for it by not being like that anymore. Being around Ken has made me grow up some, I think.

And I think that being around me has made Ken grow down. Sometimes when I'm goofing off these days, I can talk Ken into joining me, having a little fun and forgetting about his dignity for a little while. Ken's eleven, just like me. He shouldn't be acting like he's an adult. It makes me sad, sometimes, when he starts getting onto the subjects of "responsibility" and "duty." Those are the kinds of things we shouldn't have to worry about at our age. Once, Ken got quiet and wistful, and said that he was afraid that his childhood was over because he understands now that some things can never be fixed. He tried to explain that to me, but I never did get it. I still don't. All mistakes can be fixed, right? You just have to keep trying. Eventually he gave up and smiled a little and said it was okay if I didn't understand, because that meant I'm still a kid.

Saving the world should be fun, but I get the idea it's not a lot of fun for Ken.

Sometimes, though, when we're off somewhere together, just the two of us, I swear he's actually having fun and enjoying himself. I love it when I see that.

I love spending time with Ken. He's the smartest person I know, but he doesn't talk down to me like some people do, and better yet he doesn't talk over my head. He doesn't use his knowledge like a weapon, trying to beat me down with it, using big words that he knows I won't understand. Koushiro does that sometimes. I can't figure out if Koushiro really thinks I can follow what he's saying, or if he's sitting there all smug, waiting for me to ask for an explanation of his explanation. Waiting for me to prove how stupid I am, thereby proving how smart he is. Ken never does that. Somehow, Ken always manages to explain things in terms I can grasp without condescending to me.

Ken makes me feel smart and competent, not stupid. He must be brilliant, to be able to do that.

So yeah, even if there were nothing else there, I would love Ken. He's my best friend. I love the way he makes me feel, all relaxed and comfortable and tingly. I don't have to try to watch what I'm saying around him, because I trust him not to make fun of me over it if I screw up and say the wrong thing.

Maybe that's the word I'm looking for. I trust Ken. I trust him with my life, but even more than that, I trust him with my real self. The real Daisuke.

But I think there is more to it than that. I mentioned how he's always touching himself when none of the other kids are around. I wonder sometimes what he expects of me, when he does that. I can imagine what it would be like if it were my hand on his neck, instead of his own; it's hard not to imagine it. One night, I had the most vivid dream, about how Ken was touching his neck and his face, and I gently grabbed his wrists and made him stop, and then I touched his neck and face for him. In my dream, he liked it, and closed his eyes and let me do whatever I wanted with him, so I petted him the way he's always petting himself. I ran my fingers through his hair and over his lips, and he sighed and whispered my name. I woke up that morning all sticky, and I had to quick change the sheets before anybody other than Chibimon noticed.

The next afternoon, Ken glanced at me while he played with his hair, and I'm sure I blushed.

Then there's the way he walks sometimes. Ken is a very precise person, and he has this precise grace that I can only wish I possessed. Sometimes, though, he'll start to move like a cat, in perfect control of every part of his body and completely aware of himself. It's usually at times like that when he'll start touching himself too, and he used to glance at me when he started it, to make sure I saw what he was doing.

I'm always watching him. When he starts to move like that, he reminds me strongly of the way he used to be, back when he was the Digimon Kaizer. The Kaizer walked like that sometimes.

I almost wish Ken could go back and be just a little bit like the Kaizer again. I don't want him to start being cruel to Digimon again, and I would never suggest this to him aloud, because I know he's still sensitive about the whole thing. I can't help wishing it, though. He was so ... different, then, but not. He was still Ichijouji Ken, and enough like himself that I can still see echoes of the Kaizer in some of the things he does, and hear the Kaizer in the tone of his voice when he gets on certain subjects.

No, it's not that I want him to really, really be the Kaizer again. It would be fun to pretend, though. When the Kaizer forced me to get down on my knees and beg him for mercy, it did something to me. I can't explain it, except to say that some part of me liked it. Some part of me admired a boy who could tame me, make me do what he wanted me to do. I really can't explain it, and I can't justify it either. I liked the feeling of being controlled. I know that sounds kind of sick and twisted, but it's true.

Sometimes I wish Ken would go back to being like the Kaizer, just a little bit, and play with me like that again. But then he'll brush the tips of his hair over his lips, or he'll put his hands on my hips while he's riding behind me on Raidramon's back, and I'll wonder if he's not doing it already. Because he surely seems to be able to make me want to touch him. I'd go down on my knees and beg him to let me, if I thought it would help.

You might be wondering now why I don't. I don't really have a good answer to that. I'm not sure, not a hundred percent, that he wants what I'm guessing he wants. The last thing I want to do is ruin my friendship with him because I've stupidly misinterpreted his behavior. I'm also not really sure what to do. Should I kiss him, or would that be going too far, too fast? Should I start with just holding his hand, or would that be too girly? I'm just not sure. Even if I was interpreting correctly, if I screwed up on what he expected me to do, I could ruin everything.

I don't want to ruin everything. I'd rather have him as my friend forever, and just my friend forever, than to lose him because of my clumsiness.

But damn. I think he loves me. And I think I love him back.