Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings belong to JK Rowling. The quotes at the beginning end end of the chapter both come from A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, from Sydney Carton's words to Lucie Manette.
"If it had been possible, Miss Manette, that you could have returned the love of the man you see before yourself--flung away, wasted, drunken, poor creature of misuse as you know him to be--he would have been conscious this day and hour, in spite of his happiness, that he would bring you to misery, bring you to sorrow and repentance, blight you, disgrace you, pull you down with him. ..."
I Was Right
Chapter 9: The Last Dream of My Soul
Professor Zabini looked up when he re-entered the classroom, and something about the look in his eyes seemed to make her uneasy. "Snape," she said uncomfortably, "You're wanted in the Headmaster's office. You may come back later to get your things."
The Headmaster? Did this have something to do with Redwood being here? He certainly hoped not--he was in no mood for another encounter with the man--
All his worst predictions seemed to have the habit of coming true. When the door to Dumbledore's office opened silently to admit him, there he sat with Professors McGonagall and Baddock, looking unperturbed at the sight of Snape glaring at him in the doorway.
"Severus," called Dumbledore, no twinkle in his light blue eyes, an unfamiliar gleam on his spectacles. "Come sit down."
He did so, taking a seat as far away from Redwood as possible.
"I need to know what happened two nights ago, when Agent Redwood and his men took you out of the school for questioning," said Dumbledore without preamble.
"Happened?" Somehow, lying was more difficult under that piercing gaze. "Nothing happened, Headmaster. I was returned before the time Agent Redwood set, and I have no external injuries." He will be back unharmed, eh? He should have known something fishy was going on then.
"Severus, we need the truth," Dumbledore said, his tone very grave. "Was there no illegal activity in the course of the interrogation?"
"So now you question my truthfulness?" Of course, you'd be a fool not to, he thought sardonically.
"No, Severus," the headmaster said quietly, "but we seriously question Agent Redwood's actions and their effect on you."
"What is this, a courtroom?" Severus said, at the same time that Redwood said "This is not a courtroom, Professor Dumbledore." Snape grit his teeth. Great, he thought, now I go around agreeing with this bastard.
"Nothing happened, Headmaster, aside from the fact that Agents Redwood and Viridian made idiots of themselves, since I knew nothing," he went on quietly. He couldn't afford to have his role in the assassination attempt revealed. It was as if he and Redwood had an unspoken agreement--you keep my secret, and I keep yours... "I accompanied them voluntarily with Professor McGonagall's permission, so there is no question of kidnap."
"And the threats?" Baddock spoke up suddenly. "If he had not threatened to arrest Slytherin students, Headmaster, Snape would never have gone with them."
"Then sue him on that, and leave me out of this," Severus snapped. Though he seriously doubted that would be enough to get him in Azkaban, or even cost him his job. "Now if you'll excuse me-"
"There is another point I have come to discuss," Redwood said loudly, something about his tone of voice implying that Snape was not dismissed. "And that is one-fourth of the Hogwarts student population being a--less than wholesome influence on the school."
"You mean Slytherin House." McGonagall said. It was not a question.
Baddock said, "So Barty Crouch decided you'd be better off in the Department of Magical Education?"
"Please, Matt," Dumbledore said wearily. Evidently he had had enough of Baddock and Redwood's squabbling. "And Ryder-"
"On the contrary, Professor Baddock," Redwood said smoothly, "this is quite a serious concern for magical law enforcement. Does it occur to you, Professor Dumbledore," he turned to the Headmaster, "that, by giving Slytherin free rein, you are educating and housing potential Dark wizards and witches under these roofs?"
Nobody spoke for a moment. Then, predictably, Baddock exploded. He stood up with such force that the chair he was sitting in was knocked back. "How DARE you!" He shouted, trembling in anger. "Headmaster, I say we throw out this--this--"
"Matthew, calm yourself!" Exclaimed Professor McGonagall as she stood up herself, straightening the chair with a wave of her wand and trying to seat her colleague down on it; but she, too, looked angry and confused.
"What are you suggesting that we do, Ryder?" Dumbledore said, his voice quiet but dangerous. His eyes had that glint they had seen the day of the Welcoming Feast, when Baddock and the Slytherins had walked out.
"A thorough background research, a search for illicit material, and heightened surveillance for the students in question," Redwood said coolly.
"And no doubt a great deal of weeding out," Snape said in a low voice. It was only logical--after that close shave with disaster, Redwood must have realized there was a gaping hole in security in one of the safest places in the wizarding world; the school that Albus Dumbledore ran.
The others in the room stared at him for a moment, then back at Redwood. Finally Baddock spoke again. "Headmaster, this man is mad. He has always been prejudiced against Slytherin House-"
"Prejudice? Are you certain?" Redwood's eyes gleamed dangerously. "I heard about your most interesting demonstration at this year's Welcoming Feast. Professor Dumbledore, do you really think it wise, a man sympathetic to the Dark Arts teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts?"
If the situation had not been so grave, Snape would have slapped a hand to his forehead. Of course! How could he have missed it? With his maniacal commitment to fighting the Dark Arts and his powerful magic, of course Redwood had always grudged the Defense Against the Dark Arts position to Baddock. To think Redwood had been stuck potting plants and digging fertilizer while a teacher--the Head of Slytherin, no less--with more seniority held his dream job! It was hysterical--no wonder he had wanted to resign. He felt like laughing out loud.
"Ryder, there is something you do not understand," Dumbledore said, his voice sounding mild but giving off an aura of strength that even Redwood could not disobey. "Sit down, Matt, Minerva." They did so immediately.
"Slytherin House has turned out more Dark wizards and witches than any other Hogwarts House. I know this, and it has been pointed out to me not a few times. I have been told that Slytherin students are dangerous, that they are a bad influence. And that is the exact reason I will never let go of them."
Everyone except McGonagall stared at him for a moment at this strange statement. McGonagall seemed to know what he was talking about, though, and nodded emphatically.
"I am aware, as Headmaster of Hogwarts, of the great responsibility I bear for not only the education of children but for their future--and hence, the future of the wizarding world." He spoke without pomp and without fanfare; he said it simply, even a little wearily. Severus was suddenly aware of how old and tired he looked, with his wrinkled face and his long, white beard.
"And because of this responsibility, I cannot let students who are at greater risk out of my sight. It is in the shadows that toadstools grow pale and twisted; I will not banish any of my students away from sunlight, or drive them away from the influences of Hogwarts to that of their respective backgrounds and other forms of magical education."
Oh, thank you, Snape thought sarcastically. Toadstool? That is the most flattering thing I've heard all day. Yet he was strangely moved, and had to fight to keep his face impassive.
"More importantly, Agent Redwood, Matt, Minerva, and Severus," the Headmaster said, looking at them in turn, "I wish you all to understand that Slytherin House is a fundamental pillar of Hogwarts as the other three Houses are. There would be no Hogwarts without Slytherin, just as there would be no Hogwarts without Gryffindor."
There was a long, pregnant silence, the Headmaster looking gentle and benign as usual, the faces of the teachers and the Auror unreadable.
"I understand, Headmaster," Baddock said at last, his voice low but audible. Snape was surprised at the look of the deepest respect he was giving Dumbledore--it was so different from what he had seen during the past two months. He was now beginning to understand how Dumbledore commanded the unconditional loyalty and respect of so many wizards and witches.
Redwood stood up abruptly. "I understand your sentiments, sir," he said brusquely. "I will report your position on this matter to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement."
Dumbledore rose to see him off. "Give Mr.Crouch my regards," he said as they shook hands. Redwood nodded curtly, and was gone.
"Well then, you are dismissed, Severus," the Headmaster said, the usual light slowly coming back to the eyes behind his half-moon spectacles. "Have a good day--and please remember, come to me anytime you need my help."
Severus left the office, feeling slightly better, but he still had misgivings. They wouldn't move in too quickly with Albus Dumbledore taking such a firm stance about the matter...but how long would even Dumbledore be able to hold them off? He had enough on his hands as it were--and he had a feeling that Dumbledore's voice of reason would not hold off the backlash from popular opinion and public fear.
Late that night, he discovered it did not hold off nightmares, either.
During the week that followed, subtle but alarming changes came over Severus--it was as if a rather nasty boy had turned into another creature altogether, like a bat or a vulture. He became terribly thin from eating and sleeping too little; his eyes, when he cared to look at people at all, were chillingly cold and hollow; he developed an almost appalling lack of care for personal appearance. If he had not always been withdrawn and unpleasant people would have noticed something was wrong, but most just thought the upcoming exams were getting to him.
One person would have known it was nothing of the sort, of course, and Severus took great measures to avoid her like the plague.
Nevertheless, one day after class he was slinking down to the dungeons alone when she cornered him squarely.
"Severus, we need to talk," said Lily, a determined look in her eyes that he knew only too well. "You've been avoiding me, and I know something is wrong with you."
"Obviously," he drawled. "Something would have to be wrong with a boy to be avoiding the beautiful and intelligent Lily Evans." How was he going to do this, anyway? Saying good-bye to Lily was the last thing on Earth he wanted to do, especially when he needed her now more than ever. Yet he had to...
She shook her head impatiently, then closed in before he could say anything, caught hold of his arm, and yanked the sleeve of his robes up to his elbow. He winced and looked away, knowing what he would see.
"Look, you're all skin and bones!" She sounded shocked even though she had obviously known what she would find. "And I heard the Slytherins talking--you don't sleep at night. What do you think you're doing to yourself, anyway?" There was an edge of anger in her voice, but it was anger born of concern. This made him feel even worse. He pulled away angrily, jerking his sleeve down as he did so. He still looked away determinedly, hiding behind a sheet of greasy hair--he couldn't meet her eyes, not now, not ever.
"It has something to do with the Auror raid, doesn't it," she asked, making a statement, not a question. "You haven't been yourself since that morning."
She was too sharp for her own good. "It's none of your business," he muttered, wishing desperately he could get away.
"Tell me, Severus."
And suddenly it occurred to him that he might as well tell her, at least part of it. If she knew what he had done, she might be revolted enough to never want to see him again. He looked up suddenly, and his eyes flashed malevolently. "If you wish to know, I was the one who killed Terence Crockford. I used the Killing Curse on him, then the Disintegration Curse."
He could tell she had suddenly stopped breathing. Then she said in a strangled voice, "No. No. You're..."
He turned on her fiercely, making her step back this time. "Joking? Would I joke about a thing like this? Do I look mental to you?"
"What happened?" She asked, her voice steadier now.
"I already told you what happened!" He nearly shrieked. "I murdered a man."
"But Agent Redwood came today, and you're still here," she went on, using her reason, as usual. And at that moment he hated her for not running away for fear and loathing.
"Redwood knows," he mumbled, then realized he had made a mistake.
"But then why?" He could see her working things out, her eyes glittering in torchlight as she put two and two together. "Unless...you didn't do it of your own free will. Unless you were threatened into it. Or--" her eyes widened, lighting up--"they used the Imperious Curse on you."
He cursed, this time, her intelligence. How was he going to get out of this? "What does it matter?" He asked, almost desperately. "It doesn't change anything."
"Yes, it does. Severus, they can't blame you for something you didn't do under your will."
But I blame myself, he said silently.
"Nor should you," she said firmly, startling him.
"It's no use," he said, trying to control his voice. "Li--Evans, I think--I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore." It came out suddenly, unplanned, but he knew he had to end this now, while he still could let go. He might never say the courage to say this again, and cling to her like a hideous fetter for life.
When she did not answer, looking straight into his eyes without a word, he racked his head for reasons. "For one thing, I can't stay respectable as a Slytherin if I'm with a Gryffindor. I can't sneak around forever--and for another you're...we're...in love with other people. And.." he groped around--"I broke my promise to you, and I set you free."
"Other people? Who're those?" Lily said, still calm.
"James Potter and--Dahlia Mulciber." He spoke the first name that came to mind.
"Codswallop, Severus," she said, her voice heating up a little, "I have never once seen her with you, and James and I are over! And about your promise--forget about it. It is not broken, and I know it won't be. Not after the way you've tormented yourself for something that's not even your fault. Severus," she said again, her voice lower, more determined, "I am never leaving you."
At her words his heart was uplifted, then sank rapidly, then began to pound painfully. A lump formed in his throat, whether from sudden emotions or panic he couldn't tell. It was worse than being under the Cruciatus Curse. He had never loved her more than he did at that moment, and the knowledge of what he had to do nearly destroyed him. "'Never' is rather a strong word, Evans," he said coldly, forcing the words up through his throat. "You are only sixteen."
"Yes, and in a year and a half, we will be full-fledged wizards," she said, emphasizing the word 'we.'
"Fine, then!" He burst out bitterly, "Ignore your true feelings and let your pity get the better of you! It's your loss and your life to ruin." He had to do something, and fast. Anything to sever the ties that those long shared hours and heartfelt talks had formed between them.
"Pity? How could you insult me like that? I don't have any feelings for James Potter!" She cried angrily, flushing for the first time.
"Oh?" He said cruelly. "Was that why I was treated to the fabulous sight of you and Potter necking in the hallways at night?"
Please, Lily...
At that, a deadly silence fell between them. Lily was now pale, looking almost like she would faint. "You?" She said disbelievingly, and as she looked at him her emerald eyes darkened. "You set us up? It was so painful--so confusing--you put me through that?" The act of conceived betrayal, he knew, would hurt her far more than any admittance of murder. It was just the kind of person she was--upright and true as steel, like a spear of light.
"Saved you from quite a bit of trouble, too, by taking care of that beast of Pringle's." This would put all doubt from her mind, make it clear in her mind that he had not trusted her.
Please, Lily, don't remember me fondly. Don't miss me...
"Severus, why?" Her voice trembled, as did her eyes, now dark and lightless.
"Let's say I just wanted...a test of heart," he said smoothly.
Please, think of me only as a horrible mistake in your life.
"You never go without a reserve, a backup guy, do you?" He went on, his voice icy and sarcastic. "Always need a man drooling over you, don't you. What else is to be expected of a little Mudblood like yourself?" And he hated himself for his abominable words, hated her for being there in his thoughts when he was alone in the cell after his torture--if he had not had her to think of he would have slit his wrists open then and there and been spared this.
Don't ever once wonder what if, don't ever have regrets, Lily, as I will have for the rest of my life.
She couldn't speak anymore; her eyes no longer saw him; he knew she only saw darkness, an endless void where the boy she thought she loved had stood. It was not so much his slanderous falsehoods and insults as the utter lack of care in his voice, the scorn that he exuded like a poisonous fog.
She took a step back, horrified, and he suddenly caught her wrist and brought his face very close to hers.
"Get out of here, you filthy little Mudblood," he whispered. "Get out of my life."
Out, before the darkness in my life catches up with you... oh, Lily...
Then he threw her backward, and she stumbled and almost fell. She met his eyes once more, and he looked at her with the utmost hatred and disgust, as if he might curse her or spit on her; and she turned and fled down the dark hallway.
He watched her go for a moment, then took out his wand. "Nox totalus," he muttered, and the torches lighting the hallway flickered and went out; and he heard her cry out in fear and fall to the floor. Tangled in her robes, she struggled to get to her feet, and at that moment it took everything not to run to help her, cry out he was sorry, beg for forgiveness--he stood trembling, grateful for the darkness.
After a short moment that seemed like hours to him she stood up with a sob and ran blindly away. As she ran, a cackling that did not sound quite human followed her, and a voice: "Run, Mudblood! Keep running--You'll need it in the days ahead."
And the faint gleam of moonlight shining on red hair was gone, and he was left standing alone.
"...I wish you to know that you have been the last dream of my soul. ...Since I knew you, I have been troubled by a remorse that I thought would never reproach me again, and have heard whispers from old voices impelling me upward, that I thought were silent for ever. ... A dream, all a dream, that ends in nothing, and leaves the sleeper where he lay down, but I wish you to know that you inspired it."