The Play's the Thing: Othello, Act I scene i
LOCKHART: Right. Well, since we've got the rest of today... don't complain,
it'll take longer that way... we're just going to do a quick run-through, get
to know each other better and whatnot. Something funny, Mr. Weasley?
RON: No, nothing.
LOCKHART: Excellent. This isn't a comedy. Now... Act I scene i. The scene
is a Venice street. [looks around] Well, you'll just have to imagine, won't
you? I need, let's see... Roderigo, Iago, and Brabantio... Mr. Finnegan, you will enter in the middle of the scene.
SEAMUS: Ummm... I'm s'posed to be up in a house, Professor- um, Mr.
Lockhart.
LOCKHART: [thinks a moment, then snaps his fingers. The Luggage gets up and
wanders to the center of the stage] Stand on that, Mr. Finnegan. I'm sure
we'll come up with something better closer to showtime.
SEAMUS: Umm... sir? That thing has teeth.
LOCKHART: Yes, I know. But it's really quite charming once you get to know
it. [Pats the Luggage] Now, everyone not in this scene offstage now or
else!
HARRY: [under his breath] Or else what?
HERMIONE: Sh!
[All exit except RON and DRACO. SEAMUS, offstage, stares at the Luggage. It doesn't move]
RON: [clearing throat nervously] Tush! never tell me; I take it much unkindly
That thou, Iago, who hast had my purse
As if the strings were thine, shouldst know of this. [looks confused]
DRACO: 'Sblood, but you will not hear me:
If ever I did dream of such a matter, Abhor me.
RON: Thou told'st me thou didst hold him in thy hate.
DRACO: Despise me, if I do not. Three great ones of the city,
In personal suit to make me his lieutenant,
Off-capp'd to him: and, by the faith of man,
I know my price, I am worth no worse a place:
But he; as loving his own pride and purposes,
Evades them, with a bombast circumstance
Horribly stuff'd with epithets of war;
And, in conclusion,
Nonsuits my mediators; for, 'Certes,' says he,
'I have already chose my officer.'
And what was he?
Forsooth, a great arithmetician,
One Michael Cassio, a Florentine,
A fellow almost damn'd in a fair wife;
That never set a squadron in the field,
Nor the division of a battle knows
More than a spinster; unless the bookish theoric,
Wherein the toged consuls can propose
As masterly as he: mere prattle, without practise,
Is all his soldiership. But he, sir, had the election:
And I, of whom his eyes had seen the proof
At Rhodes, at Cyprus and on other grounds
Christian and heathen, must be be-lee'd and calm'd
By debitor and creditor: this counter-caster,
He, in good time, must his lieutenant be,
And I--God bless the mark!--his Moorship's ancient.
HERMIONE: [offstage whisper] Hey, he's not bad, is he?
HARRY: I don't think he knows what he's saying.
HERMIONE: I wasn't talking about Ron...
RON: I heard that!! I do SO know what I'm saying... Ummm... oh, here...
By heaven, I rather would have been his hangman. There! I just said I'd
rather kill him. So there.
LOCKHART: Keep to the script, Mr. Weasley, thanks ever so. Extemporaneous
lines and adlibbing are grounds for execution.
NEVILLE: [sounding worried] Really?
LOCKHART: No, not really. But will you know the difference if I'm lying?
[HARRY and HERMIONE give each other confused looks]
HARRY: He... seems a little different, doesn't he?
[Hermione just nods]
DRACO: Why, there's no remedy; 'tis the curse of service,
Preferment goes by letter and affection,
And not by old gradation, where each second
Stood heir to the first. Now, sir, be judge yourself,
Whether I in any just term am affined
To love the Moor.
RON: I would not follow him then. [muttering to himself] If I were passed
over for prpmotion like that, I'd just quit. What's up with wanting to kill
this guy for it?
LOCKHART: No adlibbing, Mr. Weasley!
DRACO: Yes, no adlibbing, Weasley.
RON: Oh, sure. Kiss up to the director, Malfoy.
DRACO: I'll leave that to others better experienced... Ahem.
O, sir, content you;
I follow him to serve my turn upon him:
We cannot all be masters, nor all masters
Cannot be truly follow'd. You shall mark
Many a duteous and knee-crooking knave,
That, doting on his own obsequious bondage,
Wears out his time, much like his master's ass,
For nought but provender, and when he's old, cashier'd:
Whip me such honest knaves. Others there are
Who, trimm'd in forms and visages of duty,
Keep yet their hearts attending on themselves,
And, throwing but shows of service on their lords,
Do well thrive by them and when they have lined their coats
Do themselves homage: these fellows have some soul;
And such a one do I profess myself. For, sir,
It is as sure as you are Roderigo,
Were I the Moor, I would not be Iago:
In following him, I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so, for my peculiar end:
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.
RON: What a full fortune does the thicklips owe
If he can carry't thus!
DRACO: [Getting into his role, throwing an arm around Ron's shoulders
conspiratorially]
Call up her father,
Rouse him: make after him, poison his delight,
Proclaim him in the streets; incense her kinsmen,
And, though he in a fertile climate dwell,
Plague him with flies: though that his joy be joy,
Yet throw such changes of vexation on't,
As it may lose some colour.
RON: [muttering and getting away] You have serious problems, you know that?
Here is her father's house; I'll call aloud.
DRACO: Do, with like timorous accent and dire yell
As when, by night and negligence, the fire
Is spied in populous cities.
RON: What, ho, Brabantio! Signior Brabantio, ho!
DRACO: Awake! what, ho, Brabantio! thieves! thieves! thieves!
Look to your house, your daughter and your bags!
Thieves! thieves!
[SEAMUS runs onstage, looking very nervous. He gets up close to the Luggage
and is about to climb on top when it yawns, once again displaying all its
teeth. He hangs back, shaking his head]
LOCKHART: It's perfectly safe, Mr. Finnegan. Just climb on top and let's
get on with it!
SEAMUS: Have you seen that thing's teeth?
LOCKHART: Yes, I have, and I'm telling you it's safe.
SEAMUS: [muttering] Sure, like I believe *you*. [climbs up onto the
Luggage, which shifts its weight slightly but it otherwise calm] I'm not
staying here for long though!
LOCKHART: [placatingly] No one's asking you to.
SEAMUS: [glancing down every few seconds] What is the reason of this
terrible summons?
What is the matter there?
RON: Signior, is all your family within?
SEAMUS: [staring at Luggage] God, I hope not... I mean, um... [consulting
script]
DRACO: Are your doors lock'd?
SEAMUS: [laughing nervously] Why... um... wherefore ask you this?
HARRY: [offstage] Wherefore?
HERMIONE: Hush. It means why.
HARRY: Oh.
DRACO: 'Zounds, sir, you're robb'd; for shame, put on your gown;
Your heart is burst, you have lost half your soul;
Even now, now, very now, an old black ram
Is topping your white ewe. Arise, arise;
Awake the snorting citizens with the bell,
Or else the devil will make a grandsire of you:
Arise, I say.
SEAMUS: Sicko! Get lost! [at a look from Lockhart, gulps and glances down
at the Luggage] Um.... that is... What, have you lost your wits?
[muttering] Oh, sure, that's *much* better.
[The Luggage yawns again, knocking Seamus off onto the ground. He gets up
and dusts himself off, watching it the entire time]
RON: Most reverend signior, do you know my voice?
SEAMUS: Not I. What are you?
DRACO: [under his breath] Oh, what a good question.
RON: My name is Roderigo.
SEAMUS: [backing away from the Luggage] The worser welcome:
I have charged thee not to haunt about my doors:
In honest plainness thou hast heard me say
My daughter is not for thee; and now, in madness,
Being full of supper and distempering draughts,
Upon malicious bravery, dost thou come
To start my quiet.
RON: Harsh! [Draco kicks him] Hey!
DRACO: No adlibbing, Weasley.
RON: [scowling] Sir, sir, sir--
NEVILLE: [offstage] How'd he get "harsh" out of that? Am I missing
something?
DRACO: [quietly] Only a mind, Longbottom.
SEAMUS: [speaking quickly] But thou must needs be sure
My spirit and my place have in them power
To make this bitter to thee.
RON: Patience, good sir.
SEAMUS: What tell'st thou me of robbing? this is Venice;
My house is not a grange.
RON: Most grave Brabantio,
In simple and pure soul I come to you.
DRACO: [clearly enjoying himself] 'Zounds, sir, you are one of those that
will not
serve God, if the devil bid you. Because we come to
do you service and you think we are ruffians, you'll
have your daughter covered with a Barbary horse;
you'll have your nephews neigh to you; you'll have
coursers for cousins and gennets for germans.
SEAMUS: Huh? Oh. What profane wretch art thou?
DRACO: I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter
and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.
[RON checks his script, then goes red in the face]
RON: [glaring at DEAN] They'd BETTER not be!
SEAMUS: [trying not to laugh] Thou art a villain. [beat] Noooo, really?
DRACO: You are--a senator.
SEAMUS: [sarcastically] Oh, *there's* a snappy comeback.
This thou shalt answer; I know thee, Roderigo.
LOCKHART: [offstage and exasperated] Mr. Finnegan, do please take this
seriously!
SEAMUS: Or else what? You'll give me detention?
LOCKHART: No, I'm not a teacher. I can't. [The Luggage scuttles over to
him. He pats it on the lid. Seamus goes white]
RON: Sir, I will answer any thing. But, I beseech you,
If't be your pleasure and most wise consent,
As partly I find it is, that your fair daughter,
At this odd-even and dull watch o' the night,
Transported, with no worse nor better guard
But with a knave of common hire, a gondolier,
To the gross clasps of a lascivious Moor--
If this be known to you and your allowance,
We then have done you bold and saucy wrongs;
But if you know not this, my manners tell me
We have your wrong rebuke. Do not believe
That, from the sense of all civility,
I thus would play and trifle with your reverence:
Your daughter, if you have not given her leave,
I say again, hath made a gross revolt;
Tying her duty, beauty, wit and fortunes
In an extravagant and wheeling stranger
Of here and every where. Straight satisfy yourself:
If she be in her chamber or your house,
Let loose on me the justice of the state
For thus deluding you.
SEAMUS: Strike on the tinder, ho!
Give me a taper! call up all my people!
This accident is not unlike my dream:
Belief of it oppresses me already.
Light, I say! light!
[Dashes offstage on the opposite side as Lockhart, the Luggage, and the rest
of the group]
DRACO: [waves a sort of salute] Farewell; for I must leave you:
It seems not meet, nor wholesome to my place,
To be produced--as, if I stay, I shall--
Against the Moor: for, I do know, the state,
However this may gall him with some cheque,
Cannot with safety cast him, for he's embark'd
With such loud reason to the Cyprus wars,
Which even now stand in act, that, for their souls,
Another of his fathom they have none,
To lead their business: in which regard,
Though I do hate him as I do hell-pains.
Yet, for necessity of present life,
I must show out a flag and sign of love,
Which is indeed but sign. That you shall surely find him,
Lead to the Sagittary the raised search;
And there will I be with him. So, farewell.
[DRACO saunters offstage. SEAMUS has snuck around the back and reenters,
followed by the bit players CRABBE, GOYLE, COLIN, and NEVILLE. COLIN is
still carrying his camera, and NEVILLE is keeping as far from CRABBE and
GOYLE as he can without leaving the group. All are carrying lit wands except
CRABBE and GOYLE, who couldn't get theirs to light]
SEAMUS: It is too true an evil: gone she is;
And what's to come of my despised time
Is nought but bitterness. Now, Roderigo,
Where didst thou see her? O unhappy girl!
With the Moor, say'st thou? Who would be a father!
How didst thou know 'twas she? O she deceives me
Past thought! What said she to you? Get more tapers:
Raise all my kindred. Are they married, think you?
RON: Truly, I think they are.
SEAMUS: O heaven! How got she out? O treason of the blood!
Fathers, from hence trust not your daughters' minds
By what you see them act. Is there not charms
By which the property of youth and maidhood
May be abused? Have you not read, Roderigo,
Of some such thing?
RON: I don't read those kinds of books, Seamus... have you asked... oh.
Right.... Yes, sir, I have indeed.
SEAMUS: Call up my brother. O, would you had had her!
Some one way, some another. Do you know
Where we may apprehend her and the Moor?
RON: I'd better, hadn't I? Else there wouldn't be much of a play, would
there?
LOCKHART: [offstage] I give up. Open season, everyone who's not on stage.
Feel free to speak your mind, seein as everyone else is.
HERMIONE: It's only the first run-through, Prof... sir. We'll get better.
LOCKHART: Confident, aren't you, Miss Granger? [smiles]
[Harry and Ron make gagging faces, Hermione blushes]
HERMIONE: I try to be.
RON: [loudly] I think I can discover him, if you please,
To get good guard and go along with me.
SEAMUS: Pray you, lead on. At every house I'll call;
I may command at most. Get weapons, ho!
And raise some special officers of night.
On, good Roderigo: I'll deserve your pains.
[Everyone exits stage]
End scene i
The Play's the Thing: Act I scene ii
[Enter DEAN, DRACO, and the bit players COLIN and NEVILLE to the 'Venice
street' scene. The bit players are still carrying their 'torches'.]
DRACO: [piously] Though in the trade of war I have slain men,
Yet do I hold it very stuff o' the conscience
To do no contrived murder: I lack iniquity
Sometimes to do me service: nine or ten times
I had thought to have yerk'd him here under the ribs.
HERMIONE: [offstage, almost admiring] Oh, he *is* good....
HARRY: [offstage, muttering] Hypocrite.
DEAN: 'Tis better as it is.
DRACO: Nay, but he prated,
And spoke such scurvy and provoking terms
Against your honour
That, with the little godliness I have,
I did full hard forbear him. But, I pray you, sir,
Are you fast married? Be assured of this,
That the magnifico is much beloved,
And hath in his effect a voice potential
As double as the duke's: he will divorce you;
Or put upon you what restraint and grievance
The law, with all his might to enforce it on,
Will give him cable.
RON: Whose side is this guy Iago *on*, anyway?
HERMIONE: His. Now shut up and let me watch, Ron.
DEAN: Let him do his spite:
My services which I have done the signiory
Shall out-tongue his complaints. 'Tis yet to know,--
Which, when I know that boasting is an honour,
I shall promulgate--I fetch my life and being
From men of royal siege, and my demerits
May speak unbonneted to as proud a fortune
As this that I have reach'd: for know, Iago,
But that I love the gentle Desdemona,
I would not my unhoused free condition
Put into circumscription and confine
For the sea's worth. But, look! what lights come yond?
DRACO: Those are the raised father and his friends:
You were best go in.
DEAN: I must be found:
My parts, my title and my perfect soul
Shall manifest me rightly. Is it they?
DRACO: By Janus, I think no.
[Enter HARRY, flanked on either side by CRABBE and GOYLE, who have not yet
gotten their 'torches' to light properly]
RON: [Offstage, whispering] How did those two ever get past first year?
HERMIONE: [offstage, also whispering, doubtfully] Maybe they have hidden
talents...
DEAN: The servants of the duke, and my lieutenant.
The goodness of the night upon you, friends!
What is the news?
HARRY: The duke does greet you, general,
And he requires your haste-post-haste appearance,
Even on the instant.
DEAN: What is the matter, think you?
HARRY: Something from Cyprus as I may divine:
It is a business of some heat: the galleys
Have sent a dozen sequent messengers
This very night at one another's heels,
And many of the consuls, raised and met,
Are at the duke's already: you have been
hotly call'd for;
When, being not at your lodging to be found,
The senate hath sent about three several guests
To search you out.
HERMIONE: [offstage] Ah. Now we meet the subplot.
LOCKHART: Miss Granger, not you too!
DEAN: 'Tis well I am found by you.
I will but spend a word here in the house,
And go with you.
[DEAN exits stage right. RON pulls him aside and starts talking to him too
quietly to be heard. CRABBE and GOYLE mill around, confused. Eventually
they sit down on the ground and CRABBE brings out a deck of cards. All four
of the bit players start playing cards]
HARRY: Ancient, what makes he here?
DRACO: [smiling] 'Faith, he to-night hath boarded a land carack:
If it prove lawful prize, he's made for ever.
HARRY: Huh? I mean... I do not understand.
DRACO: He's married. [under his breath] Idiot.
HARRY: To who?
[Dean reenters, looking a little shell-shocked]
DRACO: Marry, to- Come, captain, will you go?
DEAN: Have... um... have with you.
RON: [snickering] Sounds like an invitation, Malfoy....
HARRY: Here comes another troop to seek for you.
DRACO: [quickly and smirking] It is Brabantio. General, be advised;
He comes to bad intent.
[Enter SEAMUS and RON. The Luggage is following them in lieu of bit players
with 'torches'. Seamus looks back at it every so often, making sure it's not
snapping at him]
DEAN: Holla! stand there!
RON: Signior, it is the Moor.
SEAMUS: No, really? [The Luggage yawns] I mean, Down with him, thief!
[The bit players, far from drawing their weapons and looking threatening,
continue with their card game]
HERMIONE: [offstage, encouragingly to LOCKHART] It could be worse...
LOCKHART: How?
HERMIONE: [thinks for a moment] They could be using NONE of the lines.
DRACO: [falls into dueling position, grins and draws his wand] You,
Roderigo! come, sir, I am for you.
DEAN: [knocks up DRACO's wand] Keep up your bright swords, for the dew will
rust them.
Good signior, you shall more command with years
Than with your weapons.
DRACO: [muttering] Spoilsport.
SEAMUS: O thou foul thief, where hast thou stow'd my daughter?
Damn'd as thou art, thou hast enchanted her;
For I'll refer me to all things of sense,
If she in chains of magic were not bound,
Whether a maid so tender, fair and happy,
So opposite to marriage that she shunned
The wealthy curled darlings of our nation,
Would ever have, to incur a general mock,
Run from her guardage to the sooty bosom
Of such a thing as thou, to fear, not to delight.
Judge me the world, if 'tis not gross in sense
That thou hast practised on her with foul charms,
Abused her delicate youth with drugs or minerals
That weaken motion: I'll have't disputed on;
'Tis probable and palpable to thinking.
I therefore apprehend and do attach thee
For an abuser of the world, a practiser
Of arts inhibited and out of warrant.
Lay hold upon him: if he do resist,
Subdue him at his peril.
DEAN: Hold your hands,
Both you of my inclining, and the rest:
Were it my cue to fight, I should have known it
Without a prompter. Where will you that I go
To answer this your charge?
COLIN: [to CRABBE] You just *asked* me for threes! Are you stupid or just not paying attention?
SEAMUS: To prison, till fit time
Of law and course of direct session
Call thee to answer.
DEAN: What if I do obey?
How may the duke be therewith satisfied,
Whose messengers are here about my side,
Upon some present business of the state
To bring me to him?
[DRACO kicks GOYLE in the back]
GOYLE: Whaaat? Oh, yeah. Huh... 'Tis true, most worthy siggneeor;
The duke's in cownsull and your noble self,
I am sure, is sent fer.
SEAMUS: How! the duke in council!
In this time of the night! Bring him away:
Mine's not an idle cause: the duke himself,
Or any of my brothers of the state,
Cannot but feel this wrong as 'twere their own;
For if such actions may have passage free,
Bond-slaves and pagans shall our statesmen be.
[pauses] Boy, I change my mind quickly, don't I?
[All exit but the bit players]
NEVILLE: Go fish.
End scene ii
The Play's the Thing: Act I, scene iii
[The bit players, minus NEVILLE, are still sitting on the ground playing
cards. COLIN is sitting on his script. LOCKHART stalks onstage closely
followed by the Luggage and takes the cards away]
LOCKHART: Sorry to interrupt you, chaps, but you have to *act* now.
[CRABBE and GOYLE, puff up and look threatening (a scene too late), and COLIN
waits until LOCKHART's back is turned before sticking out his tongue]
COLIN: [sighs, then reads from his script] Does this make any sense to
either of you?
CRABBE: [sticks his nose into his script, then holds it at arm's length]
This is messed up. Can you read this? 'Zat a hundred seven? [Hands
script to COLIN]
COLIN: [looks at him, looks at script, looks back at him. CRABBE is
easily a foot taller than him and about twice as heavy.] Close enough not
to go there. I've got a hundred and forty. Hey, cool, a smiley-face!
[Hands back CRABBE's script]
GOYLE: [reading slowly from his script] And mine, two hundred:
But though they jump not on a just... account,--
As in these cases, where the aim... reports,
'Tis oft with... difference--yet do they all confirm
A Turkish fleet, and bearing up to... Kiprez?
[Hermione, offstage, looks impressed]
HERMIONE: He can read?
DRACO: [shrugs] Wasn't it you who said something about hidden talents?
COLIN: I guess I could be wrong, but that's what the script says, Goyle.
NEVILLE: [Nervously] Whathowhathowhatho?
CRABBE: Uhm... that guy just talked. [points at his script] Says he's a
sailor?
[NEVILLE scuttles onstage]
COLIN: Hi Neville! What's up?
NEVILLE: The Turkish preparation makes for Rhodes So was I bid report here
to the state By Signior Angelo?
COLIN: Umm... what do you guys think?
GOYLE: [face buried in script] This cannot be,
By no assay of reason: 'tis a... payje-ant,
To keep us in false gaze. When we consider
The... importancy of Kiprez to the Turk,
And let ourselves again but... unnerstand,
That as it more concerns the Turk than... roads?
So may he with more... fackle question bear it,
For that it stands not in such... warlike brace,
But... altogether lacks the... apples?
That Roads is dressed in: if we make... thought of this,
We must not think the Turk is so... unskilful
To leave that latest which... concerns him first...
Neglecting an attempt of ease and gain,
To wake and wage a... danger profit... less.
COLIN: I don't think so... which road are we talking here?
NEVILLE: Here is more news?
[He exits stage left, running as fast as he can, and about thirty seconds
later reenters stage right and out of breath]
NEVILLE: The Ottomites reverend and gracious Steering with due course
towards the isle of Rhodes Have there injointed them with an after fleet?
CRABBE: Huh? What? Fleet? Roads?
NEVILLE: Of thirty sail and now they do restem Their backward course,
bearing with frank appearance Their purposes toward Cyprus. Signior Montano
Your trusty and most valiant servitor With his free duty recommends you thus
And prays you to believe him?
COLIN: Why wouldn't I believe him? Wait, do I know him?
CRABBE: Who?
COLIN: Get this Montano! I don't think I've ever even met him.
CRABBE: Hey, Draco. Who's this guy Marcus fatso's blabbing about?
[Enter DEAN, DRACO, RON, SEAMUS and the Luggage, once more in lieu of an
officer. NEVILLE exits stage left again running as fast as he can and beats
his reentry time by ten seconds. He collapses on the ground, panting, to
make a second officer]
COLIN: Hi Dean! I'm kinda lost. Can you help? [to SEAMUS]
Hi Seamus! You can help too if you want.
SEAMUS: [ignoring Colin] So did I yours. Good your grace, pardon me;
Neither my place nor aught I heard of business
Hath raised me from my bed, nor doth the general care
Take hold on me, for my particular grief
Is of so flood-gate and o'erbearing nature
That it engluts and swallows other sorrows
And it is still itself. [looks at the Luggage]
Is this thing following me around? Is it hungry or something?
LOCKHART: [offstage] Shouldn't be... it ate two days ago.
COLIN: Why, what's the matter?
SEAMUS: My daughter! O, my daughter!
COLIN: [startled] You have a daughter, Seamus? What happened? Is she
dead?
CRABBE: Uhhhh...
SEAMUS: Ay, to me;
She is abused, stol'n from me, and corrupted
By spells and medicines bought of mountebanks;
For nature so preposterously to err,
Being not deficient, blind, or lame of sense,
Sans witchcraft could not.
GINNY: Oh sure. Blame it on witches, why don't you.
HERMIONE: Men!
COLIN: ...That's not nice. Well, I suppose we'll find whoever umm...
abused your... daughter and make him pay, huh, Seamus?
SEAMUS: Humbly I thank your grace. [points at DEAN]
Here is the man, this Moor, whom now, it seems,
Your special mandate for the state-affairs
Hath hither brought.
COLIN: Dean?! I'm... um... I'm sure he's sorry, Seamus...
GOYLE: Where are we? I'm lost.
DRACO: [muttering] What else is new?
COLIN: [to DEAN, trying to be severe] What do you have to say for
yourself, Dean?
SEAMUS: Nothing! but this is so.
DEAN: [elbows him to one side] Most potent, grave, and reverend signiors,
My very noble and approved good masters,
That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter,
It is most true; true, I have married her:
The very head and front of my offending
Hath this extent, no more. Rude am I in my speech,
And little bless'd with the soft phrase of peace:
For since these arms of mine had seven years' pith,
Till now some nine moons wasted, they have used
Their dearest action in the tented field,
And little of this great world can I speak,
More than pertains to feats of broil and battle,
And therefore little shall I grace my cause
In speaking for myself. Yet, by your gracious patience,
I will a round unvarnish'd tale deliver
Of my whole course of love; what drugs, what charms,
What conjuration and what mighty magic,
For such proceeding I am charged withal,
I won his daughter.
SEAMUS: [shoves DEAN back] A maiden never bold;
Of spirit so still and quiet, that her motion
Blush'd at herself; and she, in spite of nature,
Of years, of country, credit, every thing,
To fall in love with what she fear'd to look on!
It is a judgment maim'd and most imperfect
That will confess perfection so could err
Against all rules of nature, and must be driven
To find out practises of cunning hell,
Why this should be. I therefore vouch again
That with some mixtures powerful o'er the blood,
Or with some dram conjured to this effect,
He wrought upon her.
LOCKHART: Now, there! Here's acting! If we can keep up like this...
COLIN: ... I don't think Dean would do something like that, Seamus... are
you sure you have a daughter? Aren't you too young?
LOCKHART: [sighs] I spoke too soon, didn't I?
CRABBE: [to DEAN] Hey, speak up. You haven't said anything yet.
DEAN: I do beseech you,
Send for the lady to the Sagittary,
And let her speak of me before her father:
If you do find me foul in her report,
The trust, the office I do hold of you,
Not only take away, but let your sentence
Even fall upon my life.
COLIN: Okay. Somebody go get this girl then.
[A strangled shriek from HERMIONE offstage]
LOCKHART: Miss Granger, I'm the one who's supposed to be panicking here.
You haven't even come on stage yet.
HERMIONE: They're mangling it!
LOCKHART: [dryly] I noticed.
DEAN: Ancient, conduct them: you best know the place.
[DRACO exits, dragging NEVILLE behind him.]
DRACO: [muttering] I'm not going because you told me to, Thomas, I'm going
because it's in the script.
DEAN: And, till she come, as truly as to heaven
I do confess the vices of my blood,
So justly to your grave ears I'll present
How I did thrive in this fair lady's love,
And she in mine.
COLIN: Well, okay. Go ahead, Dean.
DEAN: Her father loved me; oft invited me;
Still question'd me the story of my life,
From year to year, the battles, sieges, fortunes,
That I have passed.
I ran it through, even from my boyish days,
To the very moment that he bade me tell it;
Wherein I spake of most disastrous chances,
Of moving accidents by flood and field
Of hair-breadth scapes i' the imminent deadly breach,
Of being taken by the insolent foe
And sold to slavery, of my redemption thence
And portance in my travels' history:
Wherein of antres vast and deserts idle,
Rough quarries, rocks and hills whose heads touch heaven
It was my hint to speak,--such was the process;
And of the Cannibals that each other eat,
The Anthropophagi and men whose heads
Do grow beneath their shoulders. This to hear
Would Desdemona seriously incline:
But still the house-affairs would draw her thence:
Which ever as she could with haste dispatch,
She'ld come again, and with a greedy ear
Devour up my discourse: which I observing,
Took once a pliant hour, and found good means
To draw from her a prayer of earnest heart
That I would all my pilgrimage dilate,
Whereof by parcels she had something heard,
But not intentively: I did consent,
And often did beguile her of her tears,
When I did speak of some distressful stroke
That my youth suffer'd. My story being done,
She gave me for my pains a world of sighs:
She swore, in faith, twas strange, 'twas passing strange,
'Twas pitiful, 'twas wondrous pitiful:
She wish'd she had not heard it, yet she wish'd
That heaven had made her such a man: she thank'd me,
And bade me, if I had a friend that loved her,
I should but teach him how to tell my story.
And that would woo her. Upon this hint I spake:
She loved me for the dangers I had pass'd,
And I loved her that she did pity them.
This only is the witchcraft I have used:
Here comes the lady; let her witness it.
[Enter DRACO, GINNY, and NEVILLE. NEVILLE is still being dragged by his
elbow and held onstage]
NEVILLE: Let me go, Malfoy. I want to sit down....
DRACO: No.
COLIN: That... that was a cool story, Dean. If I were Ginny I'd fall in
love with you too. Seamus... um... Ginny's not your daughter, so calm down,
okay? Really.
[CRABBE and GOYLE snore from where they laid down during DEAN's monologue]
SEAMUS: I pray you, hear her speak:
If she confess that she was half the wooer,
Destruction on my head, if my bad blame
Light on the man! Come hither, gentle mistress:
Do you perceive in all this noble company
Where most you owe obedience?
GINNY: [takes a deep breath and takes DEAN's hand. RON goes red in the face]
My noble father,
I do perceive here a divided duty:
To you I am bound for life and education;
My life and education both do learn me
How to respect you; you are the lord of duty;
I am hitherto your daughter: but here's my husband,
And so much duty as my mother show'd
To you, preferring you before her father,
So much I challenge that I may profess
Due to the Moor my lord.
SEAMUS: God be wi' you! I have done.
Please it your grace, on to the state-affairs:
I had rather to adopt a child than get it.
Come hither, Moor:
I here do give thee that with all my heart
Which, but thou hast already, with all my heart
I would keep from thee. For your sake, jewel,
I am glad at soul I have no other child:
For thy escape would teach me tyranny,
To hang clogs on them. I have done, my lord.
COLIN: [confused] So... we're not fighting anymore? Ginny likes Dean and
that's okay with you?
LOCKHART: Acting, Mr. Creevey! It's called *acting*!
SEAMUS: So let the Turk of Cyprus us beguile;
We lose it not, so long as we can smile.
He bears the sentence well that nothing bears
But the free comfort which from thence he hears,
But he bears both the sentence and the sorrow
That, to pay grief, must of poor patience borrow.
These sentences, to sugar, or to gall,
Being strong on both sides, are equivocal:
But words are words; I never yet did hear
That the bruised heart was pierced through the ear.
I humbly beseech you, proceed to the affairs of state.
COLIN: Oh yeah. These Turk guys have ships, but we don't know how many
and I don't think they're evenm really there, right? So what do we do?
DEAN: The tyrant custom, most grave senators,
Hath made the flinty and steel couch of war
My thrice-driven bed of down: I do agnise
A natural and prompt alacrity
I find in hardness, and do undertake
These present wars against the Ottomites.
Most humbly therefore bending to your state,
I crave fit disposition for my wife.
Due reference of place and exhibition,
With such accommodation and besort
As levels with her breeding.
COLIN: You're worried about Ginny? That's sweet. Well... Seamus thinks
she's his daughter, so she can stay with him. I mean, if you're asking me
what I think.
SEAMUS: I'll not have it so.
DEAN: Nor I.
GINNY: Nor I; I would not there reside,
To put my father in impatient thoughts
By being in his eye. Most gracious duke,
To my unfolding lend your prosperous ear;
And let me find a charter in your voice,
To assist my simpleness.
COLIN: Huh?
GINNY: That I did love the Moor to live with him,
My downright violence and storm of fortunes
May trumpet to the world: my heart's subdued
Even to the very quality of my lord:
I saw Othello's visage in his mind,
And to his honour and his valiant parts
Did I my soul and fortunes consecrate.
So that, dear lords, if I be left behind,
A moth of peace, and he go to the war,
The rites for which I love him are bereft me,
And I a heavy interim shall support
By his dear absence. Let me go with him.
DEAN: Let her have your voices.
Vouch with me, heaven, I therefore beg it not,
To please the palate of my appetite,
Nor to comply with heat--the young affects
In me defunct--and proper satisfaction.
But to be free and bounteous to her mind:
And heaven defend your good souls, that you think
I will your serious and great business scant
For she is with me: no, when light-wing'd toys
Of feather'd Cupid seal with wanton dullness
My speculative and officed instruments,
That my disports corrupt and taint my business,
Let housewives make a skillet of my helm,
And all indign and base adversities
Make head against my estimation!
COLIN: Ummm... all right. Sure, whatever.
CRABBE: [waking up] Duh?
DEAN: With all my heart.
[COLIN stares stupidly at everyone else, at a loss for words.]
HERMIONE: [offstage, yelling] Colin, get off your script!! [GOYLE wakes
up with a start and directs a dirty look at her]
COLIN: What, this? [stands up and retrieves the script, then thumbs
through it] Where are we? Am I on yet?
LOCKHART: [sighs] Ignore him, everyone! Go on to the next line, Mr.
Thomas.
DEAN: So please your grace, my ancient;
A man he is of honest and trust:
To his conveyance I assign my wife,
With what else needful your good grace shall think
To be sent after me.
COLIN: [reading from his script] Valiant Othello, we must straight employ
you Against the general enemy Ottoman. [to SEAMUS] I did not see you;
welcome, gentle signior; We lack'd your counsel and your help tonight. Am
I right? How was that?
[LOCKHART refuses to answer]
GOYLE: Aydoo...brave More, use Des... Desdee... that girl well.
[SEAMUS herds COLIN, GOYLE, and CRABBE offstage with small assistance from
NEVILLE. The Luggage follows them and settles into a 'sitting' position
next to LOCKHART]
DEAN: My life upon her faith! Honest Iago,
My Desdemona must I leave to thee:
I prithee, let thy wife attend on her:
And bring them after in the best advantage.
[DEAN takes Ginny's other hand and looks into her eyes soulfully. RON, looks
about to explode]
DEAN, cont'd: Come, Desdemona: I have but an hour
Of love, of worldly matters and direction,
To spend with thee: we must obey the time.
[Exit DEAN and GINNY, holding hands]
RON: Iago,--
DRACO: [cheerfully, more or less lost in his part] What say'st thou, noble
heart?
RON: [trying to act natural] What will I do, thinkest thou?
DRACO: Why, go to bed, and sleep.
COLIN: [offstage] But it's not even lunchtime yet...
[There is a brief scuffle during which HERMIONE and GINNY corner COLIN and
gag him]
RON: I will incontinently drown myself. [thinks for a minute] What the
hell did I just say?
DRACO: If thou dost, I shall never love thee after. Why,
thou silly gentleman!
HERMIONE: [offstage, sweetly] Does this mean you love him *now*, Malfoy?
RON: [trying to ignore Hermione] It is silliness to live when to live is
torment; and then have we a prescription to die when death is our
physician.
DRACO: O villainous! I have looked upon the world for four
times seven years; and since I could distinguish
betwixt a benefit and an injury, I never found man
that knew how to love himself. Ere I would say, I
would drown myself for the love of a guinea-hen, I
would change my humanity with a baboon.
RON: [startled] Did you just call me a baboon? [At a glare from Hermione,
he clears his throat] Hm. What should I do? I confess it is my
shame to be so fond; but it is not in my virtue to amend it.
DRACO: Virtue! a fig! 'tis in ourselves that we are thus
or thus. Our bodies are our gardens, to the which
our wills are gardeners: so that if we will plant
nettles, or sow lettuce, set hyssop and weed up
thyme, supply it with one gender of herbs, or
distract it with many, either to have it sterile
with idleness, or manured with industry, why, the
power and corrigible authority of this lies in our
wills. If the balance of our lives had not one
scale of reason to poise another of sensuality, the
blood and baseness of our natures would conduct us
to most preposterous conclusions: but we have
reason to cool our raging motions, our carnal
stings, our unbitted lusts, whereof I take this that
you call love to be a sect or scion.
RON: It cannot be.
DRACO: [throws an arm around Ron's shoulders and speaks conspiratorially,
again fully involved in his part]It is merely a lust of the blood and a
permission of the will. Come, be a man. Drown thyself! drown
cats and blind puppies. I have professed me thy
friend and I confess me knit to thy deserving with
cables of perdurable toughness; I could never
better stead thee than now. Put money in thy
purse; follow thou the wars; defeat thy favour with
an usurped beard; I say, put money in thy purse. It
cannot be that Desdemona should long continue her
love to the Moor,-- put money in thy purse,--nor he
his to her: it was a violent commencement, and thou
shalt see an answerable sequestration:--put but
money in thy purse. These Moors are changeable in
their wills: fill thy purse with money:--the food
that to him now is as luscious as locusts, shall be
to him shortly as bitter as coloquintida. She must
change for youth: when she is sated with his body,
she will find the error of her choice: she must
have change, she must: therefore put money in thy
purse. If thou wilt needs damn thyself, do it a
more delicate way than drowning. Make all the money
thou canst: if sanctimony and a frail vow betwixt
an erring barbarian and a supersubtle Venetian not
too hard for my wits and all the tribe of hell, thou
shalt enjoy her; therefore make money. A pox of
drowning thyself! it is clean out of the way: seek
thou rather to be hanged in compassing thy joy than
to be drowned and go without her.
RON: [ducks away, looking sick] Wilt thou be fast to my hopes, if I depend
on the issue?
LOCKHART: [whispering, to HERMIONE] Weasley's not a bad actor, is he?
HERMIONE: He's not acting.
DRACO: Thou art sure of me:--go, make money:--I have told
thee often, and I re-tell thee again and again, I
hate the Moor: my cause is hearted; thine hath no
less reason. Let us be conjunctive in our revenge
against him: if thou canst cuckold him, thou dost
thyself a pleasure, me a sport. There are many
events in the womb of time which will be delivered.
Traverse! go, provide thy money. We will have more
of this to-morrow. Adieu.
RON: Where shall we meet i' the morning?
DRACO: At my lodging.
[HERMIONE snickers audibly from offstage. Both RON and DRACO glare at her,
and RON goes red in the face again]
RON: I'll... um... I'll be with thee betimes.
DRACO: Go to; farewell. Do you hear, Roderigo?
RON: [blankly] Hear what? Oh! What say you?
DRACO: No more of drowning, do you hear?
HERMIONE: [offstage, laughing] Ooh, isn't that sweet?
RON: [glowering at her] What did I ever do to you?
LOCKHART: [amused] That's enough, Miss Granger.
RON: I am changed: I'll go sell all my land.
[RON exits quickly]
RON: [offstage, singsonging and purposefully mispronouncing her name] Hey,
Her-me-own.... [smiles nastily] We need to talk....
DRACO: [ignoring them] Thus do I ever make my fool my purse:
For I mine own gain'd knowledge should profane,
If I would time expend with such a snipe.
But for my sport and profit. I hate the Moor:
And it is thought abroad, that 'twixt my sheets
He has done my office: I know not if't be true;
But I, for mere suspicion in that kind,
Will do as if for surety. He holds me well;
The better shall my purpose work on him.
Cassio's a proper man: let me see now:
To get his place and to plume up my will
In double knavery--How, how? Let's see:--
After some time, to abuse Othello's ear
That he is too familiar with his wife.
He hath a person and a smooth dispose
To be suspected, framed to make women false.
The Moor is of a free and open nature,
That thinks men honest that but seem to be so,
And will as tenderly be led by the nose
As asses are.
I have't. It is engender'd. Hell and night
Must bring this monstrous birth to the world's light.
LOCKHART: Well, at least we have one actor here.
LOCKHART: Right. Well, since we've got the rest of today... don't complain,
it'll take longer that way... we're just going to do a quick run-through, get
to know each other better and whatnot. Something funny, Mr. Weasley?
RON: No, nothing.
LOCKHART: Excellent. This isn't a comedy. Now... Act I scene i. The scene
is a Venice street. [looks around] Well, you'll just have to imagine, won't
you? I need, let's see... Roderigo, Iago, and Brabantio... Mr. Finnegan, you will enter in the middle of the scene.
SEAMUS: Ummm... I'm s'posed to be up in a house, Professor- um, Mr.
Lockhart.
LOCKHART: [thinks a moment, then snaps his fingers. The Luggage gets up and
wanders to the center of the stage] Stand on that, Mr. Finnegan. I'm sure
we'll come up with something better closer to showtime.
SEAMUS: Umm... sir? That thing has teeth.
LOCKHART: Yes, I know. But it's really quite charming once you get to know
it. [Pats the Luggage] Now, everyone not in this scene offstage now or
else!
HARRY: [under his breath] Or else what?
HERMIONE: Sh!
[All exit except RON and DRACO. SEAMUS, offstage, stares at the Luggage. It doesn't move]
RON: [clearing throat nervously] Tush! never tell me; I take it much unkindly
That thou, Iago, who hast had my purse
As if the strings were thine, shouldst know of this. [looks confused]
DRACO: 'Sblood, but you will not hear me:
If ever I did dream of such a matter, Abhor me.
RON: Thou told'st me thou didst hold him in thy hate.
DRACO: Despise me, if I do not. Three great ones of the city,
In personal suit to make me his lieutenant,
Off-capp'd to him: and, by the faith of man,
I know my price, I am worth no worse a place:
But he; as loving his own pride and purposes,
Evades them, with a bombast circumstance
Horribly stuff'd with epithets of war;
And, in conclusion,
Nonsuits my mediators; for, 'Certes,' says he,
'I have already chose my officer.'
And what was he?
Forsooth, a great arithmetician,
One Michael Cassio, a Florentine,
A fellow almost damn'd in a fair wife;
That never set a squadron in the field,
Nor the division of a battle knows
More than a spinster; unless the bookish theoric,
Wherein the toged consuls can propose
As masterly as he: mere prattle, without practise,
Is all his soldiership. But he, sir, had the election:
And I, of whom his eyes had seen the proof
At Rhodes, at Cyprus and on other grounds
Christian and heathen, must be be-lee'd and calm'd
By debitor and creditor: this counter-caster,
He, in good time, must his lieutenant be,
And I--God bless the mark!--his Moorship's ancient.
HERMIONE: [offstage whisper] Hey, he's not bad, is he?
HARRY: I don't think he knows what he's saying.
HERMIONE: I wasn't talking about Ron...
RON: I heard that!! I do SO know what I'm saying... Ummm... oh, here...
By heaven, I rather would have been his hangman. There! I just said I'd
rather kill him. So there.
LOCKHART: Keep to the script, Mr. Weasley, thanks ever so. Extemporaneous
lines and adlibbing are grounds for execution.
NEVILLE: [sounding worried] Really?
LOCKHART: No, not really. But will you know the difference if I'm lying?
[HARRY and HERMIONE give each other confused looks]
HARRY: He... seems a little different, doesn't he?
[Hermione just nods]
DRACO: Why, there's no remedy; 'tis the curse of service,
Preferment goes by letter and affection,
And not by old gradation, where each second
Stood heir to the first. Now, sir, be judge yourself,
Whether I in any just term am affined
To love the Moor.
RON: I would not follow him then. [muttering to himself] If I were passed
over for prpmotion like that, I'd just quit. What's up with wanting to kill
this guy for it?
LOCKHART: No adlibbing, Mr. Weasley!
DRACO: Yes, no adlibbing, Weasley.
RON: Oh, sure. Kiss up to the director, Malfoy.
DRACO: I'll leave that to others better experienced... Ahem.
O, sir, content you;
I follow him to serve my turn upon him:
We cannot all be masters, nor all masters
Cannot be truly follow'd. You shall mark
Many a duteous and knee-crooking knave,
That, doting on his own obsequious bondage,
Wears out his time, much like his master's ass,
For nought but provender, and when he's old, cashier'd:
Whip me such honest knaves. Others there are
Who, trimm'd in forms and visages of duty,
Keep yet their hearts attending on themselves,
And, throwing but shows of service on their lords,
Do well thrive by them and when they have lined their coats
Do themselves homage: these fellows have some soul;
And such a one do I profess myself. For, sir,
It is as sure as you are Roderigo,
Were I the Moor, I would not be Iago:
In following him, I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so, for my peculiar end:
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.
RON: What a full fortune does the thicklips owe
If he can carry't thus!
DRACO: [Getting into his role, throwing an arm around Ron's shoulders
conspiratorially]
Call up her father,
Rouse him: make after him, poison his delight,
Proclaim him in the streets; incense her kinsmen,
And, though he in a fertile climate dwell,
Plague him with flies: though that his joy be joy,
Yet throw such changes of vexation on't,
As it may lose some colour.
RON: [muttering and getting away] You have serious problems, you know that?
Here is her father's house; I'll call aloud.
DRACO: Do, with like timorous accent and dire yell
As when, by night and negligence, the fire
Is spied in populous cities.
RON: What, ho, Brabantio! Signior Brabantio, ho!
DRACO: Awake! what, ho, Brabantio! thieves! thieves! thieves!
Look to your house, your daughter and your bags!
Thieves! thieves!
[SEAMUS runs onstage, looking very nervous. He gets up close to the Luggage
and is about to climb on top when it yawns, once again displaying all its
teeth. He hangs back, shaking his head]
LOCKHART: It's perfectly safe, Mr. Finnegan. Just climb on top and let's
get on with it!
SEAMUS: Have you seen that thing's teeth?
LOCKHART: Yes, I have, and I'm telling you it's safe.
SEAMUS: [muttering] Sure, like I believe *you*. [climbs up onto the
Luggage, which shifts its weight slightly but it otherwise calm] I'm not
staying here for long though!
LOCKHART: [placatingly] No one's asking you to.
SEAMUS: [glancing down every few seconds] What is the reason of this
terrible summons?
What is the matter there?
RON: Signior, is all your family within?
SEAMUS: [staring at Luggage] God, I hope not... I mean, um... [consulting
script]
DRACO: Are your doors lock'd?
SEAMUS: [laughing nervously] Why... um... wherefore ask you this?
HARRY: [offstage] Wherefore?
HERMIONE: Hush. It means why.
HARRY: Oh.
DRACO: 'Zounds, sir, you're robb'd; for shame, put on your gown;
Your heart is burst, you have lost half your soul;
Even now, now, very now, an old black ram
Is topping your white ewe. Arise, arise;
Awake the snorting citizens with the bell,
Or else the devil will make a grandsire of you:
Arise, I say.
SEAMUS: Sicko! Get lost! [at a look from Lockhart, gulps and glances down
at the Luggage] Um.... that is... What, have you lost your wits?
[muttering] Oh, sure, that's *much* better.
[The Luggage yawns again, knocking Seamus off onto the ground. He gets up
and dusts himself off, watching it the entire time]
RON: Most reverend signior, do you know my voice?
SEAMUS: Not I. What are you?
DRACO: [under his breath] Oh, what a good question.
RON: My name is Roderigo.
SEAMUS: [backing away from the Luggage] The worser welcome:
I have charged thee not to haunt about my doors:
In honest plainness thou hast heard me say
My daughter is not for thee; and now, in madness,
Being full of supper and distempering draughts,
Upon malicious bravery, dost thou come
To start my quiet.
RON: Harsh! [Draco kicks him] Hey!
DRACO: No adlibbing, Weasley.
RON: [scowling] Sir, sir, sir--
NEVILLE: [offstage] How'd he get "harsh" out of that? Am I missing
something?
DRACO: [quietly] Only a mind, Longbottom.
SEAMUS: [speaking quickly] But thou must needs be sure
My spirit and my place have in them power
To make this bitter to thee.
RON: Patience, good sir.
SEAMUS: What tell'st thou me of robbing? this is Venice;
My house is not a grange.
RON: Most grave Brabantio,
In simple and pure soul I come to you.
DRACO: [clearly enjoying himself] 'Zounds, sir, you are one of those that
will not
serve God, if the devil bid you. Because we come to
do you service and you think we are ruffians, you'll
have your daughter covered with a Barbary horse;
you'll have your nephews neigh to you; you'll have
coursers for cousins and gennets for germans.
SEAMUS: Huh? Oh. What profane wretch art thou?
DRACO: I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter
and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.
[RON checks his script, then goes red in the face]
RON: [glaring at DEAN] They'd BETTER not be!
SEAMUS: [trying not to laugh] Thou art a villain. [beat] Noooo, really?
DRACO: You are--a senator.
SEAMUS: [sarcastically] Oh, *there's* a snappy comeback.
This thou shalt answer; I know thee, Roderigo.
LOCKHART: [offstage and exasperated] Mr. Finnegan, do please take this
seriously!
SEAMUS: Or else what? You'll give me detention?
LOCKHART: No, I'm not a teacher. I can't. [The Luggage scuttles over to
him. He pats it on the lid. Seamus goes white]
RON: Sir, I will answer any thing. But, I beseech you,
If't be your pleasure and most wise consent,
As partly I find it is, that your fair daughter,
At this odd-even and dull watch o' the night,
Transported, with no worse nor better guard
But with a knave of common hire, a gondolier,
To the gross clasps of a lascivious Moor--
If this be known to you and your allowance,
We then have done you bold and saucy wrongs;
But if you know not this, my manners tell me
We have your wrong rebuke. Do not believe
That, from the sense of all civility,
I thus would play and trifle with your reverence:
Your daughter, if you have not given her leave,
I say again, hath made a gross revolt;
Tying her duty, beauty, wit and fortunes
In an extravagant and wheeling stranger
Of here and every where. Straight satisfy yourself:
If she be in her chamber or your house,
Let loose on me the justice of the state
For thus deluding you.
SEAMUS: Strike on the tinder, ho!
Give me a taper! call up all my people!
This accident is not unlike my dream:
Belief of it oppresses me already.
Light, I say! light!
[Dashes offstage on the opposite side as Lockhart, the Luggage, and the rest
of the group]
DRACO: [waves a sort of salute] Farewell; for I must leave you:
It seems not meet, nor wholesome to my place,
To be produced--as, if I stay, I shall--
Against the Moor: for, I do know, the state,
However this may gall him with some cheque,
Cannot with safety cast him, for he's embark'd
With such loud reason to the Cyprus wars,
Which even now stand in act, that, for their souls,
Another of his fathom they have none,
To lead their business: in which regard,
Though I do hate him as I do hell-pains.
Yet, for necessity of present life,
I must show out a flag and sign of love,
Which is indeed but sign. That you shall surely find him,
Lead to the Sagittary the raised search;
And there will I be with him. So, farewell.
[DRACO saunters offstage. SEAMUS has snuck around the back and reenters,
followed by the bit players CRABBE, GOYLE, COLIN, and NEVILLE. COLIN is
still carrying his camera, and NEVILLE is keeping as far from CRABBE and
GOYLE as he can without leaving the group. All are carrying lit wands except
CRABBE and GOYLE, who couldn't get theirs to light]
SEAMUS: It is too true an evil: gone she is;
And what's to come of my despised time
Is nought but bitterness. Now, Roderigo,
Where didst thou see her? O unhappy girl!
With the Moor, say'st thou? Who would be a father!
How didst thou know 'twas she? O she deceives me
Past thought! What said she to you? Get more tapers:
Raise all my kindred. Are they married, think you?
RON: Truly, I think they are.
SEAMUS: O heaven! How got she out? O treason of the blood!
Fathers, from hence trust not your daughters' minds
By what you see them act. Is there not charms
By which the property of youth and maidhood
May be abused? Have you not read, Roderigo,
Of some such thing?
RON: I don't read those kinds of books, Seamus... have you asked... oh.
Right.... Yes, sir, I have indeed.
SEAMUS: Call up my brother. O, would you had had her!
Some one way, some another. Do you know
Where we may apprehend her and the Moor?
RON: I'd better, hadn't I? Else there wouldn't be much of a play, would
there?
LOCKHART: [offstage] I give up. Open season, everyone who's not on stage.
Feel free to speak your mind, seein as everyone else is.
HERMIONE: It's only the first run-through, Prof... sir. We'll get better.
LOCKHART: Confident, aren't you, Miss Granger? [smiles]
[Harry and Ron make gagging faces, Hermione blushes]
HERMIONE: I try to be.
RON: [loudly] I think I can discover him, if you please,
To get good guard and go along with me.
SEAMUS: Pray you, lead on. At every house I'll call;
I may command at most. Get weapons, ho!
And raise some special officers of night.
On, good Roderigo: I'll deserve your pains.
[Everyone exits stage]
End scene i
The Play's the Thing: Act I scene ii
[Enter DEAN, DRACO, and the bit players COLIN and NEVILLE to the 'Venice
street' scene. The bit players are still carrying their 'torches'.]
DRACO: [piously] Though in the trade of war I have slain men,
Yet do I hold it very stuff o' the conscience
To do no contrived murder: I lack iniquity
Sometimes to do me service: nine or ten times
I had thought to have yerk'd him here under the ribs.
HERMIONE: [offstage, almost admiring] Oh, he *is* good....
HARRY: [offstage, muttering] Hypocrite.
DEAN: 'Tis better as it is.
DRACO: Nay, but he prated,
And spoke such scurvy and provoking terms
Against your honour
That, with the little godliness I have,
I did full hard forbear him. But, I pray you, sir,
Are you fast married? Be assured of this,
That the magnifico is much beloved,
And hath in his effect a voice potential
As double as the duke's: he will divorce you;
Or put upon you what restraint and grievance
The law, with all his might to enforce it on,
Will give him cable.
RON: Whose side is this guy Iago *on*, anyway?
HERMIONE: His. Now shut up and let me watch, Ron.
DEAN: Let him do his spite:
My services which I have done the signiory
Shall out-tongue his complaints. 'Tis yet to know,--
Which, when I know that boasting is an honour,
I shall promulgate--I fetch my life and being
From men of royal siege, and my demerits
May speak unbonneted to as proud a fortune
As this that I have reach'd: for know, Iago,
But that I love the gentle Desdemona,
I would not my unhoused free condition
Put into circumscription and confine
For the sea's worth. But, look! what lights come yond?
DRACO: Those are the raised father and his friends:
You were best go in.
DEAN: I must be found:
My parts, my title and my perfect soul
Shall manifest me rightly. Is it they?
DRACO: By Janus, I think no.
[Enter HARRY, flanked on either side by CRABBE and GOYLE, who have not yet
gotten their 'torches' to light properly]
RON: [Offstage, whispering] How did those two ever get past first year?
HERMIONE: [offstage, also whispering, doubtfully] Maybe they have hidden
talents...
DEAN: The servants of the duke, and my lieutenant.
The goodness of the night upon you, friends!
What is the news?
HARRY: The duke does greet you, general,
And he requires your haste-post-haste appearance,
Even on the instant.
DEAN: What is the matter, think you?
HARRY: Something from Cyprus as I may divine:
It is a business of some heat: the galleys
Have sent a dozen sequent messengers
This very night at one another's heels,
And many of the consuls, raised and met,
Are at the duke's already: you have been
hotly call'd for;
When, being not at your lodging to be found,
The senate hath sent about three several guests
To search you out.
HERMIONE: [offstage] Ah. Now we meet the subplot.
LOCKHART: Miss Granger, not you too!
DEAN: 'Tis well I am found by you.
I will but spend a word here in the house,
And go with you.
[DEAN exits stage right. RON pulls him aside and starts talking to him too
quietly to be heard. CRABBE and GOYLE mill around, confused. Eventually
they sit down on the ground and CRABBE brings out a deck of cards. All four
of the bit players start playing cards]
HARRY: Ancient, what makes he here?
DRACO: [smiling] 'Faith, he to-night hath boarded a land carack:
If it prove lawful prize, he's made for ever.
HARRY: Huh? I mean... I do not understand.
DRACO: He's married. [under his breath] Idiot.
HARRY: To who?
[Dean reenters, looking a little shell-shocked]
DRACO: Marry, to- Come, captain, will you go?
DEAN: Have... um... have with you.
RON: [snickering] Sounds like an invitation, Malfoy....
HARRY: Here comes another troop to seek for you.
DRACO: [quickly and smirking] It is Brabantio. General, be advised;
He comes to bad intent.
[Enter SEAMUS and RON. The Luggage is following them in lieu of bit players
with 'torches'. Seamus looks back at it every so often, making sure it's not
snapping at him]
DEAN: Holla! stand there!
RON: Signior, it is the Moor.
SEAMUS: No, really? [The Luggage yawns] I mean, Down with him, thief!
[The bit players, far from drawing their weapons and looking threatening,
continue with their card game]
HERMIONE: [offstage, encouragingly to LOCKHART] It could be worse...
LOCKHART: How?
HERMIONE: [thinks for a moment] They could be using NONE of the lines.
DRACO: [falls into dueling position, grins and draws his wand] You,
Roderigo! come, sir, I am for you.
DEAN: [knocks up DRACO's wand] Keep up your bright swords, for the dew will
rust them.
Good signior, you shall more command with years
Than with your weapons.
DRACO: [muttering] Spoilsport.
SEAMUS: O thou foul thief, where hast thou stow'd my daughter?
Damn'd as thou art, thou hast enchanted her;
For I'll refer me to all things of sense,
If she in chains of magic were not bound,
Whether a maid so tender, fair and happy,
So opposite to marriage that she shunned
The wealthy curled darlings of our nation,
Would ever have, to incur a general mock,
Run from her guardage to the sooty bosom
Of such a thing as thou, to fear, not to delight.
Judge me the world, if 'tis not gross in sense
That thou hast practised on her with foul charms,
Abused her delicate youth with drugs or minerals
That weaken motion: I'll have't disputed on;
'Tis probable and palpable to thinking.
I therefore apprehend and do attach thee
For an abuser of the world, a practiser
Of arts inhibited and out of warrant.
Lay hold upon him: if he do resist,
Subdue him at his peril.
DEAN: Hold your hands,
Both you of my inclining, and the rest:
Were it my cue to fight, I should have known it
Without a prompter. Where will you that I go
To answer this your charge?
COLIN: [to CRABBE] You just *asked* me for threes! Are you stupid or just not paying attention?
SEAMUS: To prison, till fit time
Of law and course of direct session
Call thee to answer.
DEAN: What if I do obey?
How may the duke be therewith satisfied,
Whose messengers are here about my side,
Upon some present business of the state
To bring me to him?
[DRACO kicks GOYLE in the back]
GOYLE: Whaaat? Oh, yeah. Huh... 'Tis true, most worthy siggneeor;
The duke's in cownsull and your noble self,
I am sure, is sent fer.
SEAMUS: How! the duke in council!
In this time of the night! Bring him away:
Mine's not an idle cause: the duke himself,
Or any of my brothers of the state,
Cannot but feel this wrong as 'twere their own;
For if such actions may have passage free,
Bond-slaves and pagans shall our statesmen be.
[pauses] Boy, I change my mind quickly, don't I?
[All exit but the bit players]
NEVILLE: Go fish.
End scene ii
The Play's the Thing: Act I, scene iii
[The bit players, minus NEVILLE, are still sitting on the ground playing
cards. COLIN is sitting on his script. LOCKHART stalks onstage closely
followed by the Luggage and takes the cards away]
LOCKHART: Sorry to interrupt you, chaps, but you have to *act* now.
[CRABBE and GOYLE, puff up and look threatening (a scene too late), and COLIN
waits until LOCKHART's back is turned before sticking out his tongue]
COLIN: [sighs, then reads from his script] Does this make any sense to
either of you?
CRABBE: [sticks his nose into his script, then holds it at arm's length]
This is messed up. Can you read this? 'Zat a hundred seven? [Hands
script to COLIN]
COLIN: [looks at him, looks at script, looks back at him. CRABBE is
easily a foot taller than him and about twice as heavy.] Close enough not
to go there. I've got a hundred and forty. Hey, cool, a smiley-face!
[Hands back CRABBE's script]
GOYLE: [reading slowly from his script] And mine, two hundred:
But though they jump not on a just... account,--
As in these cases, where the aim... reports,
'Tis oft with... difference--yet do they all confirm
A Turkish fleet, and bearing up to... Kiprez?
[Hermione, offstage, looks impressed]
HERMIONE: He can read?
DRACO: [shrugs] Wasn't it you who said something about hidden talents?
COLIN: I guess I could be wrong, but that's what the script says, Goyle.
NEVILLE: [Nervously] Whathowhathowhatho?
CRABBE: Uhm... that guy just talked. [points at his script] Says he's a
sailor?
[NEVILLE scuttles onstage]
COLIN: Hi Neville! What's up?
NEVILLE: The Turkish preparation makes for Rhodes So was I bid report here
to the state By Signior Angelo?
COLIN: Umm... what do you guys think?
GOYLE: [face buried in script] This cannot be,
By no assay of reason: 'tis a... payje-ant,
To keep us in false gaze. When we consider
The... importancy of Kiprez to the Turk,
And let ourselves again but... unnerstand,
That as it more concerns the Turk than... roads?
So may he with more... fackle question bear it,
For that it stands not in such... warlike brace,
But... altogether lacks the... apples?
That Roads is dressed in: if we make... thought of this,
We must not think the Turk is so... unskilful
To leave that latest which... concerns him first...
Neglecting an attempt of ease and gain,
To wake and wage a... danger profit... less.
COLIN: I don't think so... which road are we talking here?
NEVILLE: Here is more news?
[He exits stage left, running as fast as he can, and about thirty seconds
later reenters stage right and out of breath]
NEVILLE: The Ottomites reverend and gracious Steering with due course
towards the isle of Rhodes Have there injointed them with an after fleet?
CRABBE: Huh? What? Fleet? Roads?
NEVILLE: Of thirty sail and now they do restem Their backward course,
bearing with frank appearance Their purposes toward Cyprus. Signior Montano
Your trusty and most valiant servitor With his free duty recommends you thus
And prays you to believe him?
COLIN: Why wouldn't I believe him? Wait, do I know him?
CRABBE: Who?
COLIN: Get this Montano! I don't think I've ever even met him.
CRABBE: Hey, Draco. Who's this guy Marcus fatso's blabbing about?
[Enter DEAN, DRACO, RON, SEAMUS and the Luggage, once more in lieu of an
officer. NEVILLE exits stage left again running as fast as he can and beats
his reentry time by ten seconds. He collapses on the ground, panting, to
make a second officer]
COLIN: Hi Dean! I'm kinda lost. Can you help? [to SEAMUS]
Hi Seamus! You can help too if you want.
SEAMUS: [ignoring Colin] So did I yours. Good your grace, pardon me;
Neither my place nor aught I heard of business
Hath raised me from my bed, nor doth the general care
Take hold on me, for my particular grief
Is of so flood-gate and o'erbearing nature
That it engluts and swallows other sorrows
And it is still itself. [looks at the Luggage]
Is this thing following me around? Is it hungry or something?
LOCKHART: [offstage] Shouldn't be... it ate two days ago.
COLIN: Why, what's the matter?
SEAMUS: My daughter! O, my daughter!
COLIN: [startled] You have a daughter, Seamus? What happened? Is she
dead?
CRABBE: Uhhhh...
SEAMUS: Ay, to me;
She is abused, stol'n from me, and corrupted
By spells and medicines bought of mountebanks;
For nature so preposterously to err,
Being not deficient, blind, or lame of sense,
Sans witchcraft could not.
GINNY: Oh sure. Blame it on witches, why don't you.
HERMIONE: Men!
COLIN: ...That's not nice. Well, I suppose we'll find whoever umm...
abused your... daughter and make him pay, huh, Seamus?
SEAMUS: Humbly I thank your grace. [points at DEAN]
Here is the man, this Moor, whom now, it seems,
Your special mandate for the state-affairs
Hath hither brought.
COLIN: Dean?! I'm... um... I'm sure he's sorry, Seamus...
GOYLE: Where are we? I'm lost.
DRACO: [muttering] What else is new?
COLIN: [to DEAN, trying to be severe] What do you have to say for
yourself, Dean?
SEAMUS: Nothing! but this is so.
DEAN: [elbows him to one side] Most potent, grave, and reverend signiors,
My very noble and approved good masters,
That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter,
It is most true; true, I have married her:
The very head and front of my offending
Hath this extent, no more. Rude am I in my speech,
And little bless'd with the soft phrase of peace:
For since these arms of mine had seven years' pith,
Till now some nine moons wasted, they have used
Their dearest action in the tented field,
And little of this great world can I speak,
More than pertains to feats of broil and battle,
And therefore little shall I grace my cause
In speaking for myself. Yet, by your gracious patience,
I will a round unvarnish'd tale deliver
Of my whole course of love; what drugs, what charms,
What conjuration and what mighty magic,
For such proceeding I am charged withal,
I won his daughter.
SEAMUS: [shoves DEAN back] A maiden never bold;
Of spirit so still and quiet, that her motion
Blush'd at herself; and she, in spite of nature,
Of years, of country, credit, every thing,
To fall in love with what she fear'd to look on!
It is a judgment maim'd and most imperfect
That will confess perfection so could err
Against all rules of nature, and must be driven
To find out practises of cunning hell,
Why this should be. I therefore vouch again
That with some mixtures powerful o'er the blood,
Or with some dram conjured to this effect,
He wrought upon her.
LOCKHART: Now, there! Here's acting! If we can keep up like this...
COLIN: ... I don't think Dean would do something like that, Seamus... are
you sure you have a daughter? Aren't you too young?
LOCKHART: [sighs] I spoke too soon, didn't I?
CRABBE: [to DEAN] Hey, speak up. You haven't said anything yet.
DEAN: I do beseech you,
Send for the lady to the Sagittary,
And let her speak of me before her father:
If you do find me foul in her report,
The trust, the office I do hold of you,
Not only take away, but let your sentence
Even fall upon my life.
COLIN: Okay. Somebody go get this girl then.
[A strangled shriek from HERMIONE offstage]
LOCKHART: Miss Granger, I'm the one who's supposed to be panicking here.
You haven't even come on stage yet.
HERMIONE: They're mangling it!
LOCKHART: [dryly] I noticed.
DEAN: Ancient, conduct them: you best know the place.
[DRACO exits, dragging NEVILLE behind him.]
DRACO: [muttering] I'm not going because you told me to, Thomas, I'm going
because it's in the script.
DEAN: And, till she come, as truly as to heaven
I do confess the vices of my blood,
So justly to your grave ears I'll present
How I did thrive in this fair lady's love,
And she in mine.
COLIN: Well, okay. Go ahead, Dean.
DEAN: Her father loved me; oft invited me;
Still question'd me the story of my life,
From year to year, the battles, sieges, fortunes,
That I have passed.
I ran it through, even from my boyish days,
To the very moment that he bade me tell it;
Wherein I spake of most disastrous chances,
Of moving accidents by flood and field
Of hair-breadth scapes i' the imminent deadly breach,
Of being taken by the insolent foe
And sold to slavery, of my redemption thence
And portance in my travels' history:
Wherein of antres vast and deserts idle,
Rough quarries, rocks and hills whose heads touch heaven
It was my hint to speak,--such was the process;
And of the Cannibals that each other eat,
The Anthropophagi and men whose heads
Do grow beneath their shoulders. This to hear
Would Desdemona seriously incline:
But still the house-affairs would draw her thence:
Which ever as she could with haste dispatch,
She'ld come again, and with a greedy ear
Devour up my discourse: which I observing,
Took once a pliant hour, and found good means
To draw from her a prayer of earnest heart
That I would all my pilgrimage dilate,
Whereof by parcels she had something heard,
But not intentively: I did consent,
And often did beguile her of her tears,
When I did speak of some distressful stroke
That my youth suffer'd. My story being done,
She gave me for my pains a world of sighs:
She swore, in faith, twas strange, 'twas passing strange,
'Twas pitiful, 'twas wondrous pitiful:
She wish'd she had not heard it, yet she wish'd
That heaven had made her such a man: she thank'd me,
And bade me, if I had a friend that loved her,
I should but teach him how to tell my story.
And that would woo her. Upon this hint I spake:
She loved me for the dangers I had pass'd,
And I loved her that she did pity them.
This only is the witchcraft I have used:
Here comes the lady; let her witness it.
[Enter DRACO, GINNY, and NEVILLE. NEVILLE is still being dragged by his
elbow and held onstage]
NEVILLE: Let me go, Malfoy. I want to sit down....
DRACO: No.
COLIN: That... that was a cool story, Dean. If I were Ginny I'd fall in
love with you too. Seamus... um... Ginny's not your daughter, so calm down,
okay? Really.
[CRABBE and GOYLE snore from where they laid down during DEAN's monologue]
SEAMUS: I pray you, hear her speak:
If she confess that she was half the wooer,
Destruction on my head, if my bad blame
Light on the man! Come hither, gentle mistress:
Do you perceive in all this noble company
Where most you owe obedience?
GINNY: [takes a deep breath and takes DEAN's hand. RON goes red in the face]
My noble father,
I do perceive here a divided duty:
To you I am bound for life and education;
My life and education both do learn me
How to respect you; you are the lord of duty;
I am hitherto your daughter: but here's my husband,
And so much duty as my mother show'd
To you, preferring you before her father,
So much I challenge that I may profess
Due to the Moor my lord.
SEAMUS: God be wi' you! I have done.
Please it your grace, on to the state-affairs:
I had rather to adopt a child than get it.
Come hither, Moor:
I here do give thee that with all my heart
Which, but thou hast already, with all my heart
I would keep from thee. For your sake, jewel,
I am glad at soul I have no other child:
For thy escape would teach me tyranny,
To hang clogs on them. I have done, my lord.
COLIN: [confused] So... we're not fighting anymore? Ginny likes Dean and
that's okay with you?
LOCKHART: Acting, Mr. Creevey! It's called *acting*!
SEAMUS: So let the Turk of Cyprus us beguile;
We lose it not, so long as we can smile.
He bears the sentence well that nothing bears
But the free comfort which from thence he hears,
But he bears both the sentence and the sorrow
That, to pay grief, must of poor patience borrow.
These sentences, to sugar, or to gall,
Being strong on both sides, are equivocal:
But words are words; I never yet did hear
That the bruised heart was pierced through the ear.
I humbly beseech you, proceed to the affairs of state.
COLIN: Oh yeah. These Turk guys have ships, but we don't know how many
and I don't think they're evenm really there, right? So what do we do?
DEAN: The tyrant custom, most grave senators,
Hath made the flinty and steel couch of war
My thrice-driven bed of down: I do agnise
A natural and prompt alacrity
I find in hardness, and do undertake
These present wars against the Ottomites.
Most humbly therefore bending to your state,
I crave fit disposition for my wife.
Due reference of place and exhibition,
With such accommodation and besort
As levels with her breeding.
COLIN: You're worried about Ginny? That's sweet. Well... Seamus thinks
she's his daughter, so she can stay with him. I mean, if you're asking me
what I think.
SEAMUS: I'll not have it so.
DEAN: Nor I.
GINNY: Nor I; I would not there reside,
To put my father in impatient thoughts
By being in his eye. Most gracious duke,
To my unfolding lend your prosperous ear;
And let me find a charter in your voice,
To assist my simpleness.
COLIN: Huh?
GINNY: That I did love the Moor to live with him,
My downright violence and storm of fortunes
May trumpet to the world: my heart's subdued
Even to the very quality of my lord:
I saw Othello's visage in his mind,
And to his honour and his valiant parts
Did I my soul and fortunes consecrate.
So that, dear lords, if I be left behind,
A moth of peace, and he go to the war,
The rites for which I love him are bereft me,
And I a heavy interim shall support
By his dear absence. Let me go with him.
DEAN: Let her have your voices.
Vouch with me, heaven, I therefore beg it not,
To please the palate of my appetite,
Nor to comply with heat--the young affects
In me defunct--and proper satisfaction.
But to be free and bounteous to her mind:
And heaven defend your good souls, that you think
I will your serious and great business scant
For she is with me: no, when light-wing'd toys
Of feather'd Cupid seal with wanton dullness
My speculative and officed instruments,
That my disports corrupt and taint my business,
Let housewives make a skillet of my helm,
And all indign and base adversities
Make head against my estimation!
COLIN: Ummm... all right. Sure, whatever.
CRABBE: [waking up] Duh?
DEAN: With all my heart.
[COLIN stares stupidly at everyone else, at a loss for words.]
HERMIONE: [offstage, yelling] Colin, get off your script!! [GOYLE wakes
up with a start and directs a dirty look at her]
COLIN: What, this? [stands up and retrieves the script, then thumbs
through it] Where are we? Am I on yet?
LOCKHART: [sighs] Ignore him, everyone! Go on to the next line, Mr.
Thomas.
DEAN: So please your grace, my ancient;
A man he is of honest and trust:
To his conveyance I assign my wife,
With what else needful your good grace shall think
To be sent after me.
COLIN: [reading from his script] Valiant Othello, we must straight employ
you Against the general enemy Ottoman. [to SEAMUS] I did not see you;
welcome, gentle signior; We lack'd your counsel and your help tonight. Am
I right? How was that?
[LOCKHART refuses to answer]
GOYLE: Aydoo...brave More, use Des... Desdee... that girl well.
[SEAMUS herds COLIN, GOYLE, and CRABBE offstage with small assistance from
NEVILLE. The Luggage follows them and settles into a 'sitting' position
next to LOCKHART]
DEAN: My life upon her faith! Honest Iago,
My Desdemona must I leave to thee:
I prithee, let thy wife attend on her:
And bring them after in the best advantage.
[DEAN takes Ginny's other hand and looks into her eyes soulfully. RON, looks
about to explode]
DEAN, cont'd: Come, Desdemona: I have but an hour
Of love, of worldly matters and direction,
To spend with thee: we must obey the time.
[Exit DEAN and GINNY, holding hands]
RON: Iago,--
DRACO: [cheerfully, more or less lost in his part] What say'st thou, noble
heart?
RON: [trying to act natural] What will I do, thinkest thou?
DRACO: Why, go to bed, and sleep.
COLIN: [offstage] But it's not even lunchtime yet...
[There is a brief scuffle during which HERMIONE and GINNY corner COLIN and
gag him]
RON: I will incontinently drown myself. [thinks for a minute] What the
hell did I just say?
DRACO: If thou dost, I shall never love thee after. Why,
thou silly gentleman!
HERMIONE: [offstage, sweetly] Does this mean you love him *now*, Malfoy?
RON: [trying to ignore Hermione] It is silliness to live when to live is
torment; and then have we a prescription to die when death is our
physician.
DRACO: O villainous! I have looked upon the world for four
times seven years; and since I could distinguish
betwixt a benefit and an injury, I never found man
that knew how to love himself. Ere I would say, I
would drown myself for the love of a guinea-hen, I
would change my humanity with a baboon.
RON: [startled] Did you just call me a baboon? [At a glare from Hermione,
he clears his throat] Hm. What should I do? I confess it is my
shame to be so fond; but it is not in my virtue to amend it.
DRACO: Virtue! a fig! 'tis in ourselves that we are thus
or thus. Our bodies are our gardens, to the which
our wills are gardeners: so that if we will plant
nettles, or sow lettuce, set hyssop and weed up
thyme, supply it with one gender of herbs, or
distract it with many, either to have it sterile
with idleness, or manured with industry, why, the
power and corrigible authority of this lies in our
wills. If the balance of our lives had not one
scale of reason to poise another of sensuality, the
blood and baseness of our natures would conduct us
to most preposterous conclusions: but we have
reason to cool our raging motions, our carnal
stings, our unbitted lusts, whereof I take this that
you call love to be a sect or scion.
RON: It cannot be.
DRACO: [throws an arm around Ron's shoulders and speaks conspiratorially,
again fully involved in his part]It is merely a lust of the blood and a
permission of the will. Come, be a man. Drown thyself! drown
cats and blind puppies. I have professed me thy
friend and I confess me knit to thy deserving with
cables of perdurable toughness; I could never
better stead thee than now. Put money in thy
purse; follow thou the wars; defeat thy favour with
an usurped beard; I say, put money in thy purse. It
cannot be that Desdemona should long continue her
love to the Moor,-- put money in thy purse,--nor he
his to her: it was a violent commencement, and thou
shalt see an answerable sequestration:--put but
money in thy purse. These Moors are changeable in
their wills: fill thy purse with money:--the food
that to him now is as luscious as locusts, shall be
to him shortly as bitter as coloquintida. She must
change for youth: when she is sated with his body,
she will find the error of her choice: she must
have change, she must: therefore put money in thy
purse. If thou wilt needs damn thyself, do it a
more delicate way than drowning. Make all the money
thou canst: if sanctimony and a frail vow betwixt
an erring barbarian and a supersubtle Venetian not
too hard for my wits and all the tribe of hell, thou
shalt enjoy her; therefore make money. A pox of
drowning thyself! it is clean out of the way: seek
thou rather to be hanged in compassing thy joy than
to be drowned and go without her.
RON: [ducks away, looking sick] Wilt thou be fast to my hopes, if I depend
on the issue?
LOCKHART: [whispering, to HERMIONE] Weasley's not a bad actor, is he?
HERMIONE: He's not acting.
DRACO: Thou art sure of me:--go, make money:--I have told
thee often, and I re-tell thee again and again, I
hate the Moor: my cause is hearted; thine hath no
less reason. Let us be conjunctive in our revenge
against him: if thou canst cuckold him, thou dost
thyself a pleasure, me a sport. There are many
events in the womb of time which will be delivered.
Traverse! go, provide thy money. We will have more
of this to-morrow. Adieu.
RON: Where shall we meet i' the morning?
DRACO: At my lodging.
[HERMIONE snickers audibly from offstage. Both RON and DRACO glare at her,
and RON goes red in the face again]
RON: I'll... um... I'll be with thee betimes.
DRACO: Go to; farewell. Do you hear, Roderigo?
RON: [blankly] Hear what? Oh! What say you?
DRACO: No more of drowning, do you hear?
HERMIONE: [offstage, laughing] Ooh, isn't that sweet?
RON: [glowering at her] What did I ever do to you?
LOCKHART: [amused] That's enough, Miss Granger.
RON: I am changed: I'll go sell all my land.
[RON exits quickly]
RON: [offstage, singsonging and purposefully mispronouncing her name] Hey,
Her-me-own.... [smiles nastily] We need to talk....
DRACO: [ignoring them] Thus do I ever make my fool my purse:
For I mine own gain'd knowledge should profane,
If I would time expend with such a snipe.
But for my sport and profit. I hate the Moor:
And it is thought abroad, that 'twixt my sheets
He has done my office: I know not if't be true;
But I, for mere suspicion in that kind,
Will do as if for surety. He holds me well;
The better shall my purpose work on him.
Cassio's a proper man: let me see now:
To get his place and to plume up my will
In double knavery--How, how? Let's see:--
After some time, to abuse Othello's ear
That he is too familiar with his wife.
He hath a person and a smooth dispose
To be suspected, framed to make women false.
The Moor is of a free and open nature,
That thinks men honest that but seem to be so,
And will as tenderly be led by the nose
As asses are.
I have't. It is engender'd. Hell and night
Must bring this monstrous birth to the world's light.
LOCKHART: Well, at least we have one actor here.