The Play's the Thing: Act V scene i
[Enter DRACO and RON. RON is not tied or handcuffed, although he looks a bit
worn out]
DRACO: Here, stand behind this bulk; straight will he come:
Wear thy good rapier bare, and put it home:
Quick, quick; fear nothing; I'll be at thy elbow:
It makes us, or it mars us; think on that,
And fix most firm thy resolution.
RON: Be near at hand; I may miscarry in't.
DRACO: Here, at thy hand: be bold, and take thy stand.
[Walks over to the edge of the stage and waits]
RON: I have no great devotion to the deed;
And yet he hath given me satisfying reasons:
'Tis but a man gone. Forth, my sword: he dies.
DRACO: I have rubb'd this young quat almost to the sense,
And he grows angry. Now, whether he kill Cassio,
Or Cassio him, or each do kill the other,
Every way makes my gain: live Roderigo,
He calls me to a restitution large
Of gold and jewels that I bobb'd from him,
As gifts to Desdemona;
It must not be: if Cassio do remain,
He hath a daily beauty in his life
That makes me ugly; and, besides, the Moor
May unfold me to him; there stand I in much peril:
No, he must die. But so: I hear him coming.
[Enter HARRY]
RON: I know his gait, 'tis he.--Villain, thou diest!
[He stabs at HARRY with his wand. HARRY has to jump out of the way to avoid
it.]
RON: [under his breath] That *would* have been for hitting me earlier....
HARRY: That thrust had been mine enemy indeed,
But that my coat is better than thou know'st
I will make proof of thine.
[HARRY forgoes his wand and smacks RON upside the head. RON, after a quick
look at his script, goes down]
RON: O, I am slain!
SEAMUS: You're a big sissy.
[DRACO sneaks up behind HARRY. He pokes HARRY quickly in the leg with his
wand, then dashes offstage]
HARRY: I am maim'd for ever. Help, ho! murder! murder!
[HARRY falls to the ground and lays there, not quite sure how to act like
someone who's just had his leg almost cut off. Enter DEAN.]
DEAN: The voice of Cassio: Iago keeps his word.
RON: O, villain that I am!
SEAMUS: [singsonging] Someone has low self-esteem issues...
DEAN: It is even so.
HARRY: O, help, ho! light! a surgeon!
DRACO: [protesting automatically] I barely touched you!
DEAN: 'Tis he:--O brave Iago, honest and just,
That hast such noble sense of thy friend's wrong!
Thou teachest me. Minion, your dear lies dead,
And your unblest fate hies: strumpet, I come.
Forth of my heart those charms, thine eyes, are blotted;
Thy bed, lust-stain'd, shall with lust's blood be spotted.
[Exit DEAN]
SEAMUS: [to DEAN] You were great.
DEAN: I barely had any lines.
SEAMUS: But they were good ones....
[Enter NEVILLE and COLIN. COLIN, for a change, is not gagged. CRABBE,
offstage, has COLIN's script and is drawing on it]
HARRY: What, ho! no watch? no passage? murder! murder!
COLIN: Harry, what are you yelling for? Everyone's behaving really
strangely, I think something's wrong.
SEAMUS: Nothing's wrong. Hush up.
HARRY: O, help!
NEVILLE: Hark!
RON: O wretched villain!
NEVILLE: Two or three groan: it is a heavy night:
These may be counterfeits: let's think't unsafe
To come in to the cry without more help.
RON: Nobody come? then shall I bleed to death.
SEAMUS: And the treatment of choice for head pain is... the tacky pink
scarf! Harry? Toss the scarf over here, would you please?
NEVILLE: Hark!
DEAN: [Sings quietly] ... the herald angels si-ing....
[Re-enter DRACO, with his wand lit]
COLIN: Oh, look, it's Draco. Why's your wand lit? I think we have enough
light.
DRACO: Who's there? whose noise is this that ones on murder?
NEVILLE: We do not know.
[COLIN blinks and looks around]
COLIN: That's Harry and Ron, remember?
DRACO: Did not you hear a cry?
HARRY: Here, here! for heaven's sake, help me!
[DRACO rushes over to HARRY.]
DRACO: What's the matter?
COLIN: I'm so confused...
NEVILLE: [ignores COLIN and acts as though he's given the proper line for
once]
The same indeed; a very valiant fellow.
DRACO: What are you here that cry so grievously?
HARRY: [hopefully] Iago? O, I am spoil'd, undone by villains!
Give me some help.
DRACO: [helps HARRY sit up, then touches his cheek] O me, lieutenant! what
villains have done this?
SEAMUS: You did!
HARRY: I think that one of them is hereabout,
And cannot make away.
DRACO: O treacherous villains!
What are you there? come in, and give some help.
RON: [to anyone listening to him] O, help me here!
HARRY: That's one of them.
DRACO: O murderous slave! O villain!
[Stabs RON with his wand, then immediately returns to HARRY's side]
RON: O damn'd Iago! O inhuman dog!
HARRY: [under his breath and indistinctly] O shut up.
DRACO: [angrily] Kill men i' the dark!--Where be these bloody thieves?--
How silent is this town!--Ho! murder! murder!--
What may you be? are you of good or evil?
NEVILLE: As you shall prove us, praise us.
DRACO: [blinks] Signior Lodovico?
NEVILLE: He, sir.
SEAMUS: Laughing already. Bad news for you, Malfoy.
DRACO: I cry you mercy. Here's Cassio hurt by villains.
COLIN: Harry! You're hurt? Why didn't you let on?
DRACO: [to HARRY] How is't, brother!
HARRY: My leg is cut in two.
SEAMUS: Whiner... he barely touched you!
DRACO: Marry, heaven forbid!
Light, gentlemen; I'll bind it with my shirt.
[Enter PANSY]
PANSY: What is the matter, ho? who is't that cried?
DRACO: [snapping at her] Who is't that cried!
PANSY: [making a face and not sounding at all sincere] O my dear Cassio. my
sweet Cassio. O Cassio, Cassio, Cassio.
DEAN: She's the one who needs a gag....
SEAMUS: Why waste it? She wouldn't enjoy it.
DRACO: O notable strumpet! Cassio, may you suspect
Who they should be that have thus many led you?
HARRY: No...
COLIN: Neville said we were supposed to be looking for you. Which is silly,
because you've been here the whole time.
DRACO: Lend me a garter. So. O, for a chair,
To bear him easily hence!
[HARRY pretends to faint into DRACO's arms]
PANSY: [looking bored] Alas, he faints. O Cassio, Cassio, Cassio.
DRACO: [straightening HARRY's glasses] Gentlemen all, I do suspect this trash
To be a party in this injury.
Patience awhile, good Cassio. Come, come;
Lend me a light. Know we this face or no?
Alas my friend and my dear countryman
Roderigo! no:--yes, sure: O heaven! Roderigo.
COLIN: You mean Ron.
DRACO: Even he, sir; did you know him?
COLIN: [startled] Of course I know him! It's Ron!
DRACO: Signior Gratiano? I cry you gentle pardon;
These bloody accidents must excuse my manners,
That so neglected you.
COLIN: Huh?
DRACO: How do you, Cassio? O, a chair, a chair!
COLIN: Ron, get up. This is getting really weird.
DRACO: He, he 'tis he.
COLIN: [crossly] I know!
[The Luggage wanders onstage cunningly disguised as a chair through the use
of someone's cloak. DRACO and HARRY look at it, then look at each other.
HARRY promptly stands up, 'helped' by DRACO's arm around his waist]
DRACO: O, that's well said; the chair!
NEVILLE: [gags COLIN and proceeds to steal his lines] Some good man bear him
carefully from hence;
I'll fetch the general's surgeon.
[To PANSY]
For you, mistress,
Save you your labour. He that lies slain here, Cassio,
Was my dear friend: what malice was between you?
HARRY: None in the world; nor do I know the man.
COLIN: NRGH!! SRN!!!
DRACO: [To PANSY, mockingly] What, look you pale? O, bear him out
o' the air.
[HARRY walks offstage with several backward glances, probably at the Luggage,
which is following him. RON gets to his feet and stalks offstage]
RON: [muttering] I can't believe I let him kill me like that... and quit
smiling, Harry.
DRACO: Stay you, good gentlemen. Look you pale, mistress?
Do you perceive the gastness of her eye?
Nay, if you stare, we shall hear more anon.
Behold her well; I pray you, look upon her:
Do you see, gentlemen? nay, guiltiness will speak,
Though tongues were out of use.
[Enter HERMIONE]
GINNY: Has anyone noticed that she's getting more stage time than me and
better lines, and I'm the main actress?
SEAMUS: Bitch bitch bitch. I spent more time mocking *you*, though, so be
happy.
GINNY: Well, when you put it that way... it's *worse*! [She sniffles as
though she were about to cry]
HERMIONE: 'Las, what's the matter? what's the matter, husband?
DRACO: Cassio hath here been set on in the dark
By Roderigo and fellows that are scaped:
He's almost slain, and Roderigo dead.
HERMIONE: Alas, good gentleman! alas, good Cassio!
DRACO: This is the fruit of whoring. Prithee, Emilia,
Go know of Cassio where he supp'd to-night.
[To PANSY]
What, do you shake at that?
PANSY: [haughtily] He supp'd at my house; but I therefore shake not.
...God, what a stupid line! How did I ever get sucked into this?
DRACO: O, did he so? I charge you, go with me.
HERMIONE: Fie, fie upon thee, strumpet!
PANSY: I am no strumpet; but of life as honest
As you that thus abuse me. [muttering] Bitch.
HERMIONE: As I! feh! fie upon thee!
DRACO: [edging away from the budding catfight] Kind gentlemen, let's go see
poor Cassio dress'd.
Come, mistress, you must tell's another tale.
Emilia run you to the citadel,
And tell my lord and lady what hath happ'd.
Will you go on? I pray.
[Aside]
This is the night
That either makes me or fordoes me quite.
[Exit all]
COLIN: Nrf! Mrghlghk...
SEAMUS: Boy, he's really trying, isn't he? And he doesn't learn either...
[HARRY shrugs and hands SEAMUS the pink scarf, which he uses to tie COLIN's
hands]
SEAMUS: There. Now you *really* have something to gurgle about.
[COLIN looks confused for a minute, then blushes beet red.]
DEAN: I wonder what he's thinking about.
DRACO: [piously] Probably that he could have gotten out any time he wanted
to earlier.
SEAMUS: I don't think he wanted to, though...
End scene i
The Play's the Thing: Act V, scene ii
LOCKHART: All right, you lot. This is the last scene, and then you're free
to be hellish little demons elsewhere for the rest of the day. Can we try to
recover some sanity, just for this one scene?
GOYLE: Sanity? How d'you spell that?
[Enter GINNY. She walks to center stage and lies on the ground, pretending
to be asleep. Enter DEAN, trying to look pensive and angry]
DEAN: It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul,--
Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars!--
It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood;
Nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow,
And smooth as monumental alabaster.
Yet she must die, else she'll betray more men.
Put out the light, and then put out the light:
If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
I can again thy former light restore,
Should I repent me: but once put out thy light,
Thou cunning'st pattern of excelling nature,
I know not where is that Promethean heat
That can thy light relume. When I have pluck'd the rose,
I cannot give it vital growth again.
It must needs wither: I'll smell it on the tree.
[He kisses GINNY briefly on the cheek]
SEAMUS: Ewwwww, cooties!
[Everyone looks at SEAMUS oddly for a moment, then DEAN shakes his head and
continues his monologue]
DEAN: Ah balmy breath, that dost almost persuade
Justice to break her sword! One more, one more.
Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee,
And love thee after. One more, and this the last:
So sweet was ne'er so fatal. I must weep,
But they are cruel tears: this sorrow's heavenly;
It strikes where it doth love. She wakes.
SEAMUS: If I'd just been kissed all over the face I would too.
GINNY: Who's there? Othello?
RON: No, Avon calling.
DEAN: Ay. Desdemona.
GINNY: Will you come to bed, my lord?
SEAMUS: Just say 'no' to nymphomania....
HARRY: Look who's talking.
DRACO: [agreeing with HARRY] Hypocrite.
SEAMUS: Excuse me?
DEAN: Have you pray'd to-night, Desdemona?
GINNY: Ay, my lord.
SEAMUS: [imitating GINNY praying] Oh great Lord of Darkness...
RON: You *really* don't want to finish that crack, Seamus.
DEAN: If you bethink yourself of any crime
Unreconciled as yet to heaven and grace,
Solicit for it straight.
SEAMUS: I killed someone yesterday and ate them. Was that bad?
GINNY: Alas, my lord, what do you mean by that?
DEAN: Well, do it, and be brief; I will walk by:
I would not kill thy unprepared spirit;
No; heaven forfend! I would not kill thy soul.
GINNY: Talk you of killing?
RON: No, he's talking about the laundry.
DEAN: Ay, I do.
GINNY: Then heaven
Have mercy on me!
HARRY: We're sorry, all lines are busy now. Please hang up and try your
call again later.
DEAN: Amen, with all my heart!
GINNY: If you say so, I hope you will not kill me.
SEAMUS: [whining] But he promised!
DEAN: Hum!
SEAMUS: [thinks for a moment] The handkerchief!
HARRY: That was last act, Seamus.
SEAMUS: Worth a try, though.
GINNY: And yet I fear you; for you are fatal then
When your eyes roll so: why I should fear I know not,
Since guiltiness I know not; but yet I feel I fear.
DRACO: And the fact that he's been threatening to kill you for two acts now
is probably influencing your judgement, too.
DEAN: Think on thy sins.
SEAMUS: We'll wait.
GINNY: They are loves I bear to you.
DEAN: Ay, and for that thou diest.
[SEAMUS cheers]
GINNY: That death's unnatural that kills for loving.
Alas, why gnaw you so your nether lip?
Some bloody passion shakes your very frame:
These are portents; but yet I hope, I hope,
They do not point on me.
SEAMUS: Don't confuse the issue with facts and philosophical gibbering!
DEAN: Peace, and be still!
GINNY: I will so. What's the matter?
DEAN: That handkerchief which I so loved and gave thee
Thou gavest to Cassio.
GINNY: No, by my life and soul!
Send for the man, and ask him.
DRACO: That'll be a little difficult. As far as he knows, dead men tell no
tales.
DEAN: Sweet soul, take heed,
Take heed of perjury; thou art on thy deathbed.
GINNY: Ay, but not yet to die.
HARRY: For I am immortal...
DEAN: Yes, presently:
Therefore confess thee freely of thy sin;
For to deny each article with oath
Cannot remove nor choke the strong conception
That I do groan withal. Thou art to die.
DEAN: Then Lord have mercy on me!
HARRY: Please hold. You will be answered by the next available savior.
Your call *is* important to us here in Heaven.
DEAN: I say, amen.
SEAMUS: Can I get a hallelujah?
GINNY: And have you mercy too! I never did
Offend you in my life; never loved Cassio
But with such general warranty of heaven
As I might love: I never gave him token.
DEAN: By heaven, I saw my handkerchief in's hand.
O perjured woman! thou dost stone my heart,
And makest me call what I intend to do
A murder, which I thought a sacrifice:
I saw the handkerchief.
DRACO: Pink scarves are hard to miss.
GINNY: He found it then;
I never gave it him: send for him hither;
Let him confess a truth.
DEAN: He hath confess'd.
HARRY: He killed the busboy in the lemonade stand with the wedge of kiwi.
GINNY: What, my lord?
DEAN: That he hath used thee.
GINNY: How? unlawfully?
DEAN: Ay.
DRACO: [yawning] Gripping dialogue we have here.
GINNY: He will not say so.
DEAN: No, his mouth is stopp'd;
Honest Iago hath ta'en order for't.
DRACO: [bows] The bill is in the mail.
GINNY: O! my fear interprets: what, is he dead?
SEAMUS: No, look, 'e's restin'.
DEAN: Had all his hairs been lives, my great revenge
Had stomach for them all.
SEAMUS: So in the long run, he's probably better off.
CRABBE: [still crying] ...poor puppies....
DRACO: No, Vincent, that was Weasley with the puppies, and I killed him last
scene.
GINNY: Alas! he is betray'd and I undone.
DEAN: Out, strumpet! weep'st thou for him to my face?
GINNY: O, banish me, my lord, but kill me not!
DEAN: Down, strumpet!
GINNY: Kill me to-morrow: let me live to-night!
DRACO: [imitating GINNY] Let me change your mind!
DEAN: Nay, if you strive--
HARRY: [imitating GINNY] Five more minutes?
GINNY: But half an hour!
DEAN: Being done, there is no pause.
HARRY: Three more minutes?
GINNY: But while I say one prayer!
DEAN: It is too late.
HARRY: One more minute?
[DEAN uses GINNY's cloak to mime stifling her.]
HERMIONE: [Offstage] My lord, my lord! what, ho! my lord, my lord!
DEAN: What noise is this? Not dead? not yet quite dead?
I that am cruel am yet merciful;
I would not have thee linger in thy pain: So, so.
DRACO: If you didn't want her to linger, you should have just cut off her
head.
HERMIONE: [still offstage] What, ho! my lord, my lord!
SEAMUS: [irritated] Can't you see the guy's busy?
DEAN: Who's there?
RON: Avon calling!
HERMIONE: [Within] O, good my lord, I would speak a word with you!
DEAN: Yes: 'tis Emilia. By and by. She's dead.
'Tis like she comes to speak of Cassio's death.--
The noise was here. Ha! no more moving?
Still as the grave. Shall she come in? were't good?--
I think she stirs again:--no. What's best to do?
If she come in, she'll sure speak to my wife:
My wife! my wife! what wife? I have no wife.
O insupportable! O heavy hour!
Methinks it should be now a huge eclipse
Of sun and moon, and that the affrighted globe
Should yawn at alteration.
HARRY: That's done it. He's snapped.
HERMIONE: [Within] I do beseech you
That I may speak with you, O, good my lord!
DEAN: I had forgot thee: O, come in, Emilia;
Soft; by and by. Let me the curtains draw.
Where art thou?
[Enter HERMIONE]
What's the matter with thee now?
HARRY: ...stabbing pains... right here... see?
HERMIONE: O, my good lord, yonder's foul murders done!
HARRY: That, too.
DEAN: What, now?
DRACO: No, three weeks ago. She only just now got around to telling you
you're dead.
HERMIONE: But now, my lord.
DEAN: It is the very error of the moon;
She comes more nearer earth than she was wont,
And makes men mad.
SEAMUS: Suuure, blame it on the moon.
HERMIONE: Cassio, my lord, hath kill'd a young Venetian
Call'd Roderigo.
DEAN: Roderigo kill'd!
And Cassio kill'd!
HERMIONE: No, Cassio is not kill'd.
RON: Drat. Didn't Malfoy kill him, too? Hey, Harry, feel left out?
DEAN: Not Cassio kill'd! then murder's out of tune,
And sweet revenge grows harsh.
GINNY: O, falsely, falsely murder'd!
SEAMUS: Aaaaaaa! It talked! The dead body talked!
HERMIONE: Alas, what cry is that?
DEAN: That! what?
HARRY: [imitating DEAN] It was the wind, that's all... just the wind....
HERMIONE: Out, and alas! that was my lady's voice.
Help! help, ho! help! O lady, speak again!
Sweet Desdemona! O sweet mistress, speak!
GINNY: A guiltless death I die.
SEAMUS: It did it again! What kind of play *is* this?
HERMIONE: O, who hath done this deed?
GINNY: Nobody; I myself. Farewell
Commend me to my kind lord: O, farewell!
[GINNY 'dies', but since she just continues lying on the stage with her head
wrapped in her cloak, no one can really tell the difference]
SEAMUS: Finally!
DEAN: Why, how should she be murder'd?
DRACO: I'll take a wild guess and say asphyxiation.
HERMIONE: Alas, who knows?
DEAN: You heard her say herself, it was not I.
SEAMUS: Don't believe her, she's a liar.
HERMIONE: She said so: I must needs report the truth.
DEAN: She's, like a liar, gone to burning hell:
'Twas I that kill'd her.
HERMIONE: O, the more angel she,
And you the blacker devil!
DEAN: She turn'd to folly, and she was a whore.
HERMIONE: Thou dost belie her, and thou art a devil.
DEAN: She was false as water.
HERMIONE: Thou art rash as fire, to say
That she was false: O, she was heavenly true!
HARRY: So neener neener neener.
DEAN: Cassio did top her; ask thy husband else.
O, I were damn'd beneath all depth in hell,
But that I did proceed upon just grounds
To this extremity. Thy husband knew it all.
HERMIONE: My husband!
DEAN: Thy husband.
HERMIONE That she was false to wedlock?
DEAN: Ay, with Cassio. Nay, had she been true,
If heaven would make me such another world
Of one entire and Perfect chrysolite,
I'ld not have sold her for it.
HERMIONE: My husband!
SEAMUS: [carried away] The handkerchief!
DEAN: Ay, 'twas he that told me first:
An honest man he is, and hates the slime
That sticks on filthy deeds.
DRACO: A little soap washes slime right off, though.
HERMIONE: My husband!
SEAMUS: Stop saying that!
DEAN: What needs this iteration, woman? I say thy husband.
HERMIONE: O mistress, villany hath made mocks with love,
My husband say that she was false!
DEAN: He, woman;
I say thy husband: dost understand the word?
My friend, thy husband, honest, honest Iago.
SEAMUS: [imitating HERMIONE] No, could you spell it out for me?
HERMIONE: If he say so, may his pernicious soul
Rot half a grain a day! he lies to the heart:
She was too fond of her most filthy bargain.
HARRY: You should write greeting cards.
DEAN: Ha!
HERMIONE: Do thy worst:
This deed of thine is no more worthy heaven
Than thou wast worthy her.
SEAMUS: Ooh, two for Hermione, while Dean has yet to score.
DRACO: None of us asked about your personal life, Finnegan.
DEAN: Peace, you were best.
HERMIONE: Thou hast not half that power to do me harm
As I have to be hurt. O gull! O dolt!
As ignorant as dirt! thou hast done a deed--
I care not for thy sword; I'll make thee known,
Though I lost twenty lives.--Help! help, ho! help!
The Moor hath kill'd my mistress! Murder! murder!
[Enter NEVILLE (still taking the placce of COLIN), SEAMUS, and DRACO]
SEAMUS: [under his breath] Finally, a little stage time...
[more loudly] What is the matter? How now, general!
HERMIONE: O, are you come, Iago? you have done well,
That men must lay their murders on your neck.
HARRY: [offstage] It's a gift.
NEVILLE: What is the matter?
HERMIONE: Disprove this villain, if thou be'st a man:
He says thou told'st him that his wife was false:
I know thou didst not, thou'rt not such a villain:
Speak, for my heart is full.
RON: Mr. Lockhart, can she be excused? Her heart is full.
LOCKHART: Mr. Weasley, I would very much appreciate not being brought into
this.
RON: But you're the director!
LOCKHART: And?
DRACO: I told him what I thought, and told no more
Than what he found himself was apt and true.
HERMIONE: But did you ever tell him she was false?
DRACO: I did.
HERMIONE: You told a lie, an odious, damned lie;
Upon my soul, a lie, a wicked lie.
HARRY: [offstage] Yeah. So?
HERMIONE: She false with Cassio!--did you say with Cassio?
DRACO: With Cassio, mistress. Go to, charm your tongue.
HARRY: Here, Hermione, you can use my wand.
HERMIONE: [glares offstae at HARRY, who smiles blandly] I will not charm my
tongue; I am bound to speak:
My mistress here lies murder'd in her bed,--
RON: [offstage] No, she's fine. Just resting.
[A beat of silence, during which no one speaks.]
HERMIONE: And your reports have set the murder on.
DEAN: Nay, stare not, masters: it is true, indeed.
NEVILLE: 'Tis a strange truth.
RON: [offstage] No, she's resting.
SEAMUS: O monstrous act!
HERMIONE: [overwrought] Villany, villany, villany!
I think upon't, I think: I smell't: O villany!--
I thought so then:--I'll kill myself for grief:--
O villany, villany!
RON: [crossly] Then kill yourself already and get it over with!
DRACO: What, are you mad? I charge you, get you home.
HERMIONE: Good gentlemen, let me have leave to speak:
'Tis proper I obey him, but not now.
Perchance, Iago, I will ne'er go home.
HARRY: Then everything works out nicely.
DEAN: O! O! O!
[DEAN falls on the ground, then immediately sits up, rubbing his head]
HERMIONE: Nay, lay thee down and roar;
For thou hast kill'd the sweetest innocent
That e'er did lift up eye.
DEAN: [Rising] O, she was foul!
I scarce did know you, uncle: there lies your niece,
Whose breath, indeed, these hands have newly stopp'd:
I know this act shows horrible and grim.
COLIN: Nrgl? Nuh? Drstnnnn!
NEVILLE: Poor Desdemona! I am glad thy father's dead:
Thy match was mortal to him, and pure grief
Shore his old thread in twain: did he live now,
This sight would make him do a desperate turn,
Yea, curse his better angel from his side,
And fall to reprobation.
RON: Did you hear that, Seamus? Your character's dead!
DEAN: 'Tis pitiful; but yet Iago knows
That she with Cassio hath the act of shame
A thousand times committed; Cassio confess'd it:
And she did gratify his amorous works
With that recognizance and pledge of love
Which I first gave her; I saw it in his hand:
It was a handkerchief, an antique token
My father gave my mother.
HERMIONE: O heaven! O heavenly powers!
HARRY: At the sound of the trumpet chorus, please leave your name and number
and we will return your call as soon as possible.
DRACO: Come, hold your peace.
HERMIONE: 'Twill out, 'twill out: I peace!
No, I will speak as liberal as the north:
Let heaven and men and devils, let them all,
All, all, cry shame against me, yet I'll speak.
DRACO: Be wise, and get you home.
HERMIONE: I will not.
[Everyone looks at their script, then DRACO shrugs]
DRACO: [offering] I'll stab her for you.
NEVILLE: Fie!
Your sword upon a woman?
HARRY: The script said he should offer.
HERMIONE: [mocking] O thou dull Moor! that handkerchief thou speak'st of
I found by fortune and did give my husband;
For often, with a solemn earnestness,
More than indeed belong'd to such a trifle,
He begg'd of me to steal it.
DRACO: Villanous whore!
HERMIONE: She give it Cassio! no, alas! I found it,
And I did give't my husband.
DRACO: Filth, thou liest!
HARRY: I think you lost this one, Draco. Better just give up.
HERMIONE: By heaven, I do not, I do not, gentlemen.
O murderous coxcomb! what should such a fool
Do with so good a woman?
DEAN: Are there no stones in heaven
But what serve for the thunder?--Precious villain!
[DEAN charges at DRACO, who dodges and stabs HERMIONE with his wand. She
falls to the ground, simulating death. DRACO races offstage and collides
almost accidentally with HARRY. Both get up, and DRACO heads to a different
part of the Great Hall.]
NEVILLE: The woman falls; sure, he hath kill'd his wife.
HERMIONE: Ay, ay: O, lay me by my mistress' side.
NEVILLE: He's gone, but his wife's kill'd.
SEAMUS 'Tis a notorious villain. Take you this weapon,
Which I have here recover'd from the Moor:
Come, guard the door without; let him not pass,
But kill him rather. I'll after that same villain,
For 'tis a damned slave.
[Exit SEAMUS and NEVILLE. NEVILLE brings the handcuffs out of his pocket and
tosses them to HARRY. All three of them start hunting down DRACO]
DEAN: I am not valiant neither,
But ever puny whipster gets my sword:
But why should honour outlive honesty?
Let it go all.
HERMIONE: What did thy song bode, lady?
Hark, canst thou hear me? I will play the swan.
And die in music.
[offstage, SEAMUS screams]
SEAMUS: Does no one die when you kill them in this play?
RON: I did.
SEAMUS: No, you didn't. You just weren't as talky about it.
RON: Let me know when you decide to make sense.
HERMIONE: [Singing in an okay voice. Better than GINNY, not quite as good
as DRACO]
Willow, willow, willow,--
Moor, she was chaste; she loved thee, cruel Moor;
So come my soul to bliss, as I speak true;
So speaking as I think, I die, I die.
[HERMIONE falls limply into a lying-down position, 'dead']
DEAN: I have another weapon in this chamber;
It is a sword of Spain, the ice-brook's temper:--
O, here it is. Uncle, I must come forth.
HARRY: [offstage] Come on, it'll be fun...
DRACO: Then *you* wear them.
NEVILLE: [at the side of the stage] If thou attempt it, it will cost thee
dear:
Thou hast no weapon, and perforce must suffer.
DEAN: Look in upon me then and speak with me,
Or, naked as I am, I will assault thee.
SEAMUS: [offstage] You're *naked*?!
[Re-enter SEAMUS]
SEAMUS: What is the matter?
DEAN: Behold, I have a weapon;
A better never did itself sustain
Upon a soldier's thigh: I have seen the day,
That, with this little arm and this good sword,
I have made my way through more impediments
Than twenty times your stop: but, O vain boast!
Who can control his fate? 'tis not so now.
Be not afraid, though you do see me weapon'd;
Here is my journey's end, here is my butt,
And very sea-mark of my utmost sail.
Do you go back dismay'd? 'tis a lost fear;
Man but a rush against Othello's breast,
And he retires. Where should Othello go?
Now, how dost thou look now? O ill-starr'd wench!
Pale as thy smock! when we shall meet at compt,
This look of thine will hurl my soul from heaven,
And fiends will snatch at it. Cold, cold, my girl!
Even like thy chastity. O cursed slave!
Whip me, ye devils,
From the possession of this heavenly sight!
Blow me about in winds! roast me in sulphur!
Wash me in steep-down gulfs of liquid fire!
O Desdemona! Desdemona! dead!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Enter NEVILLE, GOYLE, HARRY, and DRACO. DRACO is wearing the handcuffs, and
HARRY has firm grasp of his arm]
NEVILLE: Where is this rash and most unfortunate man?
DEAN: That's he that was Othello: here I am.
NEVILLE: Where is that viper? bring the villain forth.
DEAN: I look down towards his feet; but that's a fable.
If that thou best a devil, I cannot kill thee.
[DEAN stabs DRACO with his wand. DRACO sags into the nearby HARRY, but does
not fall over]
NEVILLE: Wrench his sword from him.
DRACO: I bleed, sir; but not kill'd.
RON: Can't you do anything right, Dean? You're supposed to kill the bad guy!
DEAN: I am not sorry neither: I'ld have thee live;
For, in my sense, 'tis happiness to die.
NEVILLE: O thou Othello, thou wert once so good,
Fall'n in the practise of a damned slave,
What shall be said to thee?
DEAN: Why, any thing:
An honourable murderer, if you will;
For nought I did in hate, but all in honour.
RON: Oh sure, you say that *now*.
NEVILLE: This wretch hath part confess'd his villany:
Did you and he consent in Cassio's death?
DEAN: Ay.
HARRY: Dear general, I never gave you cause.
DEAN: I do believe it, and I ask your pardon.
Will you, I pray, demand that demi-devil
Why he hath thus ensnared my soul and body?
DRACO: Demand me nothing: what you know, you know:
From this time forth I never will speak word.
RON: Pouty, aren't you?
NEVILLE: What, not to pray?
SEAMUS: Torments will ope your lips.
DEAN: Well, thou dost best.
NEVILLE: Sir, you shall understand what hath befall'n,
Which, as I think, you know not. Here is a letter
Found in the pocket of the slain Roderigo;
And here another: the one of them imports
The death of Cassio to be undertook
By Roderigo.
DEAN: O villain!
HARRY: Most heathenish and most gross!
RON: Yes, he's the villain. We all knew that. Now kill him.
NEVILLE: Now here's another discontented paper,
Found in his pocket too; and this, it seems,
Roderigo meant to have sent this damned villain;
But that belike Iago in the interim
Came in and satisfied him.
DEAN: O the pernicious caitiff!
How came you, Cassio, by that handkerchief
That was my wife's?
RON: He is your wife... don't you recognize him...?
SEAMUS: [startled out of character] Hey! That's low, Ron, take it back!
HARRY: I found it in my chamber:
And he himself confess'd but even now
That there he dropp'd it for a special purpose
Which wrought to his desire.
DEAN: O fool! fool! fool!
RON: Yes, we told you so.
HARRY: There is besides in Roderigo's letter,
How he upbraids Iago, that he made him
Brave me upon the watch; whereon it came
That I was cast: and even but now he spake,
After long seeming dead, Iago hurt him,
Iago set him on.
RON: Man, he had plans everywhere, didn't he?
NEVILLE: You must forsake this room, and go with us:
Your power and your command is taken off,
And Cassio rules in Cyprus. For this slave,
If there be any cunning cruelty
That can torment him much and hold him long,
It shall be his. You shall close prisoner rest,
Till that the nature of your fault be known
To the Venetian state. Come, bring him away.
DEAN: Soft you; a word or two before you go.
I have done the state some service, and they know't.
No more of that. I pray you, in your letters,
When you shall these unlucky deeds relate,
Speak of me as I am; nothing extenuate,
Nor set down aught in malice: then must you speak
Of one that loved not wisely but too well;
Of one not easily jealous, but being wrought
Perplex'd in the extreme; of one whose hand,
Like the base Indian, threw a pearl away
Richer than all his tribe; of one whose subdued eyes,
Albeit unused to the melting mood,
Drop tears as fast as the Arabian trees
Their medicinal gum. Set you down this;
And say besides, that in Aleppo once,
Where a malignant and a turban'd Turk
Beat a Venetian and traduced the state,
I took by the throat the circumcised dog,
And smote him, thus.
[DEAN falls to the ground for no discernible reason. It takes a moment
before the other cast members realize he's supposed to be dead. There are
now three cast members lying 'dead' on the stage]
NEVILLE: O bloody period!
SEAMUS: All that's spoke is marr'd. [muttering] Whatever *that* means...
where's a dictionary when you need one?
DEAN: I kiss'd thee ere I kill'd thee: no way but this;
Killing myself, to die upon a kiss.
[Silence falls for a moment]
RON: [coming onstage and pointing at DEAN] Wasn't he supposed to be dead?
Why does everyone get to talk after they've been killed but me?
HARRY: This did I fear, but thought he had no weapon;
For he was great of heart.
NEVILLE: [To DRACO] O Spartan dog,
More fell than anguish, hunger, or the sea!
Look on the tragic loading of this bed;
This is thy work: the object poisons sight;
Let it be hid. Gratiano, keep the house,
And seize upon the fortunes of the Moor,
For they succeed on you. To you, lord governor,
Remains the censure of this hellish villain;
The time, the place, the torture: O, enforce it!
Myself will straight aboard: and to the state
This heavy act with heavy heart relate.
LOCKHART: And that's that. Rehearsal at the same time tomorrow, all of you-
GINNY: Can I move now? My arms are beginning to lock up and I can't breathe.
LOCKHART: [sighs] Yes, you can move.
CRABBE: Look!! I drew a real puppy!
DRACO: [shakes his head] Very nice, Vincent. [in an undertone, to HARRY]
Help....
HARRY: Well... we do have that one scene we need to work on... let's go and
see if we can't get it at least partially right before tomorrow.
DRACO: Good idea.
[They exit the Great Hall. RON is busy untangling GINNY from her cloak.
DEAN and SEAMUS have disappeared. After a few minutes, everyone has left the
Great Hall but one lone figure tied to a chair.]
COLIN: Grsh! Grsh? Snfnee! Grsh...?
End Othello. Thanks for watching.
[Enter DRACO and RON. RON is not tied or handcuffed, although he looks a bit
worn out]
DRACO: Here, stand behind this bulk; straight will he come:
Wear thy good rapier bare, and put it home:
Quick, quick; fear nothing; I'll be at thy elbow:
It makes us, or it mars us; think on that,
And fix most firm thy resolution.
RON: Be near at hand; I may miscarry in't.
DRACO: Here, at thy hand: be bold, and take thy stand.
[Walks over to the edge of the stage and waits]
RON: I have no great devotion to the deed;
And yet he hath given me satisfying reasons:
'Tis but a man gone. Forth, my sword: he dies.
DRACO: I have rubb'd this young quat almost to the sense,
And he grows angry. Now, whether he kill Cassio,
Or Cassio him, or each do kill the other,
Every way makes my gain: live Roderigo,
He calls me to a restitution large
Of gold and jewels that I bobb'd from him,
As gifts to Desdemona;
It must not be: if Cassio do remain,
He hath a daily beauty in his life
That makes me ugly; and, besides, the Moor
May unfold me to him; there stand I in much peril:
No, he must die. But so: I hear him coming.
[Enter HARRY]
RON: I know his gait, 'tis he.--Villain, thou diest!
[He stabs at HARRY with his wand. HARRY has to jump out of the way to avoid
it.]
RON: [under his breath] That *would* have been for hitting me earlier....
HARRY: That thrust had been mine enemy indeed,
But that my coat is better than thou know'st
I will make proof of thine.
[HARRY forgoes his wand and smacks RON upside the head. RON, after a quick
look at his script, goes down]
RON: O, I am slain!
SEAMUS: You're a big sissy.
[DRACO sneaks up behind HARRY. He pokes HARRY quickly in the leg with his
wand, then dashes offstage]
HARRY: I am maim'd for ever. Help, ho! murder! murder!
[HARRY falls to the ground and lays there, not quite sure how to act like
someone who's just had his leg almost cut off. Enter DEAN.]
DEAN: The voice of Cassio: Iago keeps his word.
RON: O, villain that I am!
SEAMUS: [singsonging] Someone has low self-esteem issues...
DEAN: It is even so.
HARRY: O, help, ho! light! a surgeon!
DRACO: [protesting automatically] I barely touched you!
DEAN: 'Tis he:--O brave Iago, honest and just,
That hast such noble sense of thy friend's wrong!
Thou teachest me. Minion, your dear lies dead,
And your unblest fate hies: strumpet, I come.
Forth of my heart those charms, thine eyes, are blotted;
Thy bed, lust-stain'd, shall with lust's blood be spotted.
[Exit DEAN]
SEAMUS: [to DEAN] You were great.
DEAN: I barely had any lines.
SEAMUS: But they were good ones....
[Enter NEVILLE and COLIN. COLIN, for a change, is not gagged. CRABBE,
offstage, has COLIN's script and is drawing on it]
HARRY: What, ho! no watch? no passage? murder! murder!
COLIN: Harry, what are you yelling for? Everyone's behaving really
strangely, I think something's wrong.
SEAMUS: Nothing's wrong. Hush up.
HARRY: O, help!
NEVILLE: Hark!
RON: O wretched villain!
NEVILLE: Two or three groan: it is a heavy night:
These may be counterfeits: let's think't unsafe
To come in to the cry without more help.
RON: Nobody come? then shall I bleed to death.
SEAMUS: And the treatment of choice for head pain is... the tacky pink
scarf! Harry? Toss the scarf over here, would you please?
NEVILLE: Hark!
DEAN: [Sings quietly] ... the herald angels si-ing....
[Re-enter DRACO, with his wand lit]
COLIN: Oh, look, it's Draco. Why's your wand lit? I think we have enough
light.
DRACO: Who's there? whose noise is this that ones on murder?
NEVILLE: We do not know.
[COLIN blinks and looks around]
COLIN: That's Harry and Ron, remember?
DRACO: Did not you hear a cry?
HARRY: Here, here! for heaven's sake, help me!
[DRACO rushes over to HARRY.]
DRACO: What's the matter?
COLIN: I'm so confused...
NEVILLE: [ignores COLIN and acts as though he's given the proper line for
once]
The same indeed; a very valiant fellow.
DRACO: What are you here that cry so grievously?
HARRY: [hopefully] Iago? O, I am spoil'd, undone by villains!
Give me some help.
DRACO: [helps HARRY sit up, then touches his cheek] O me, lieutenant! what
villains have done this?
SEAMUS: You did!
HARRY: I think that one of them is hereabout,
And cannot make away.
DRACO: O treacherous villains!
What are you there? come in, and give some help.
RON: [to anyone listening to him] O, help me here!
HARRY: That's one of them.
DRACO: O murderous slave! O villain!
[Stabs RON with his wand, then immediately returns to HARRY's side]
RON: O damn'd Iago! O inhuman dog!
HARRY: [under his breath and indistinctly] O shut up.
DRACO: [angrily] Kill men i' the dark!--Where be these bloody thieves?--
How silent is this town!--Ho! murder! murder!--
What may you be? are you of good or evil?
NEVILLE: As you shall prove us, praise us.
DRACO: [blinks] Signior Lodovico?
NEVILLE: He, sir.
SEAMUS: Laughing already. Bad news for you, Malfoy.
DRACO: I cry you mercy. Here's Cassio hurt by villains.
COLIN: Harry! You're hurt? Why didn't you let on?
DRACO: [to HARRY] How is't, brother!
HARRY: My leg is cut in two.
SEAMUS: Whiner... he barely touched you!
DRACO: Marry, heaven forbid!
Light, gentlemen; I'll bind it with my shirt.
[Enter PANSY]
PANSY: What is the matter, ho? who is't that cried?
DRACO: [snapping at her] Who is't that cried!
PANSY: [making a face and not sounding at all sincere] O my dear Cassio. my
sweet Cassio. O Cassio, Cassio, Cassio.
DEAN: She's the one who needs a gag....
SEAMUS: Why waste it? She wouldn't enjoy it.
DRACO: O notable strumpet! Cassio, may you suspect
Who they should be that have thus many led you?
HARRY: No...
COLIN: Neville said we were supposed to be looking for you. Which is silly,
because you've been here the whole time.
DRACO: Lend me a garter. So. O, for a chair,
To bear him easily hence!
[HARRY pretends to faint into DRACO's arms]
PANSY: [looking bored] Alas, he faints. O Cassio, Cassio, Cassio.
DRACO: [straightening HARRY's glasses] Gentlemen all, I do suspect this trash
To be a party in this injury.
Patience awhile, good Cassio. Come, come;
Lend me a light. Know we this face or no?
Alas my friend and my dear countryman
Roderigo! no:--yes, sure: O heaven! Roderigo.
COLIN: You mean Ron.
DRACO: Even he, sir; did you know him?
COLIN: [startled] Of course I know him! It's Ron!
DRACO: Signior Gratiano? I cry you gentle pardon;
These bloody accidents must excuse my manners,
That so neglected you.
COLIN: Huh?
DRACO: How do you, Cassio? O, a chair, a chair!
COLIN: Ron, get up. This is getting really weird.
DRACO: He, he 'tis he.
COLIN: [crossly] I know!
[The Luggage wanders onstage cunningly disguised as a chair through the use
of someone's cloak. DRACO and HARRY look at it, then look at each other.
HARRY promptly stands up, 'helped' by DRACO's arm around his waist]
DRACO: O, that's well said; the chair!
NEVILLE: [gags COLIN and proceeds to steal his lines] Some good man bear him
carefully from hence;
I'll fetch the general's surgeon.
[To PANSY]
For you, mistress,
Save you your labour. He that lies slain here, Cassio,
Was my dear friend: what malice was between you?
HARRY: None in the world; nor do I know the man.
COLIN: NRGH!! SRN!!!
DRACO: [To PANSY, mockingly] What, look you pale? O, bear him out
o' the air.
[HARRY walks offstage with several backward glances, probably at the Luggage,
which is following him. RON gets to his feet and stalks offstage]
RON: [muttering] I can't believe I let him kill me like that... and quit
smiling, Harry.
DRACO: Stay you, good gentlemen. Look you pale, mistress?
Do you perceive the gastness of her eye?
Nay, if you stare, we shall hear more anon.
Behold her well; I pray you, look upon her:
Do you see, gentlemen? nay, guiltiness will speak,
Though tongues were out of use.
[Enter HERMIONE]
GINNY: Has anyone noticed that she's getting more stage time than me and
better lines, and I'm the main actress?
SEAMUS: Bitch bitch bitch. I spent more time mocking *you*, though, so be
happy.
GINNY: Well, when you put it that way... it's *worse*! [She sniffles as
though she were about to cry]
HERMIONE: 'Las, what's the matter? what's the matter, husband?
DRACO: Cassio hath here been set on in the dark
By Roderigo and fellows that are scaped:
He's almost slain, and Roderigo dead.
HERMIONE: Alas, good gentleman! alas, good Cassio!
DRACO: This is the fruit of whoring. Prithee, Emilia,
Go know of Cassio where he supp'd to-night.
[To PANSY]
What, do you shake at that?
PANSY: [haughtily] He supp'd at my house; but I therefore shake not.
...God, what a stupid line! How did I ever get sucked into this?
DRACO: O, did he so? I charge you, go with me.
HERMIONE: Fie, fie upon thee, strumpet!
PANSY: I am no strumpet; but of life as honest
As you that thus abuse me. [muttering] Bitch.
HERMIONE: As I! feh! fie upon thee!
DRACO: [edging away from the budding catfight] Kind gentlemen, let's go see
poor Cassio dress'd.
Come, mistress, you must tell's another tale.
Emilia run you to the citadel,
And tell my lord and lady what hath happ'd.
Will you go on? I pray.
[Aside]
This is the night
That either makes me or fordoes me quite.
[Exit all]
COLIN: Nrf! Mrghlghk...
SEAMUS: Boy, he's really trying, isn't he? And he doesn't learn either...
[HARRY shrugs and hands SEAMUS the pink scarf, which he uses to tie COLIN's
hands]
SEAMUS: There. Now you *really* have something to gurgle about.
[COLIN looks confused for a minute, then blushes beet red.]
DEAN: I wonder what he's thinking about.
DRACO: [piously] Probably that he could have gotten out any time he wanted
to earlier.
SEAMUS: I don't think he wanted to, though...
End scene i
The Play's the Thing: Act V, scene ii
LOCKHART: All right, you lot. This is the last scene, and then you're free
to be hellish little demons elsewhere for the rest of the day. Can we try to
recover some sanity, just for this one scene?
GOYLE: Sanity? How d'you spell that?
[Enter GINNY. She walks to center stage and lies on the ground, pretending
to be asleep. Enter DEAN, trying to look pensive and angry]
DEAN: It is the cause, it is the cause, my soul,--
Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars!--
It is the cause. Yet I'll not shed her blood;
Nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow,
And smooth as monumental alabaster.
Yet she must die, else she'll betray more men.
Put out the light, and then put out the light:
If I quench thee, thou flaming minister,
I can again thy former light restore,
Should I repent me: but once put out thy light,
Thou cunning'st pattern of excelling nature,
I know not where is that Promethean heat
That can thy light relume. When I have pluck'd the rose,
I cannot give it vital growth again.
It must needs wither: I'll smell it on the tree.
[He kisses GINNY briefly on the cheek]
SEAMUS: Ewwwww, cooties!
[Everyone looks at SEAMUS oddly for a moment, then DEAN shakes his head and
continues his monologue]
DEAN: Ah balmy breath, that dost almost persuade
Justice to break her sword! One more, one more.
Be thus when thou art dead, and I will kill thee,
And love thee after. One more, and this the last:
So sweet was ne'er so fatal. I must weep,
But they are cruel tears: this sorrow's heavenly;
It strikes where it doth love. She wakes.
SEAMUS: If I'd just been kissed all over the face I would too.
GINNY: Who's there? Othello?
RON: No, Avon calling.
DEAN: Ay. Desdemona.
GINNY: Will you come to bed, my lord?
SEAMUS: Just say 'no' to nymphomania....
HARRY: Look who's talking.
DRACO: [agreeing with HARRY] Hypocrite.
SEAMUS: Excuse me?
DEAN: Have you pray'd to-night, Desdemona?
GINNY: Ay, my lord.
SEAMUS: [imitating GINNY praying] Oh great Lord of Darkness...
RON: You *really* don't want to finish that crack, Seamus.
DEAN: If you bethink yourself of any crime
Unreconciled as yet to heaven and grace,
Solicit for it straight.
SEAMUS: I killed someone yesterday and ate them. Was that bad?
GINNY: Alas, my lord, what do you mean by that?
DEAN: Well, do it, and be brief; I will walk by:
I would not kill thy unprepared spirit;
No; heaven forfend! I would not kill thy soul.
GINNY: Talk you of killing?
RON: No, he's talking about the laundry.
DEAN: Ay, I do.
GINNY: Then heaven
Have mercy on me!
HARRY: We're sorry, all lines are busy now. Please hang up and try your
call again later.
DEAN: Amen, with all my heart!
GINNY: If you say so, I hope you will not kill me.
SEAMUS: [whining] But he promised!
DEAN: Hum!
SEAMUS: [thinks for a moment] The handkerchief!
HARRY: That was last act, Seamus.
SEAMUS: Worth a try, though.
GINNY: And yet I fear you; for you are fatal then
When your eyes roll so: why I should fear I know not,
Since guiltiness I know not; but yet I feel I fear.
DRACO: And the fact that he's been threatening to kill you for two acts now
is probably influencing your judgement, too.
DEAN: Think on thy sins.
SEAMUS: We'll wait.
GINNY: They are loves I bear to you.
DEAN: Ay, and for that thou diest.
[SEAMUS cheers]
GINNY: That death's unnatural that kills for loving.
Alas, why gnaw you so your nether lip?
Some bloody passion shakes your very frame:
These are portents; but yet I hope, I hope,
They do not point on me.
SEAMUS: Don't confuse the issue with facts and philosophical gibbering!
DEAN: Peace, and be still!
GINNY: I will so. What's the matter?
DEAN: That handkerchief which I so loved and gave thee
Thou gavest to Cassio.
GINNY: No, by my life and soul!
Send for the man, and ask him.
DRACO: That'll be a little difficult. As far as he knows, dead men tell no
tales.
DEAN: Sweet soul, take heed,
Take heed of perjury; thou art on thy deathbed.
GINNY: Ay, but not yet to die.
HARRY: For I am immortal...
DEAN: Yes, presently:
Therefore confess thee freely of thy sin;
For to deny each article with oath
Cannot remove nor choke the strong conception
That I do groan withal. Thou art to die.
DEAN: Then Lord have mercy on me!
HARRY: Please hold. You will be answered by the next available savior.
Your call *is* important to us here in Heaven.
DEAN: I say, amen.
SEAMUS: Can I get a hallelujah?
GINNY: And have you mercy too! I never did
Offend you in my life; never loved Cassio
But with such general warranty of heaven
As I might love: I never gave him token.
DEAN: By heaven, I saw my handkerchief in's hand.
O perjured woman! thou dost stone my heart,
And makest me call what I intend to do
A murder, which I thought a sacrifice:
I saw the handkerchief.
DRACO: Pink scarves are hard to miss.
GINNY: He found it then;
I never gave it him: send for him hither;
Let him confess a truth.
DEAN: He hath confess'd.
HARRY: He killed the busboy in the lemonade stand with the wedge of kiwi.
GINNY: What, my lord?
DEAN: That he hath used thee.
GINNY: How? unlawfully?
DEAN: Ay.
DRACO: [yawning] Gripping dialogue we have here.
GINNY: He will not say so.
DEAN: No, his mouth is stopp'd;
Honest Iago hath ta'en order for't.
DRACO: [bows] The bill is in the mail.
GINNY: O! my fear interprets: what, is he dead?
SEAMUS: No, look, 'e's restin'.
DEAN: Had all his hairs been lives, my great revenge
Had stomach for them all.
SEAMUS: So in the long run, he's probably better off.
CRABBE: [still crying] ...poor puppies....
DRACO: No, Vincent, that was Weasley with the puppies, and I killed him last
scene.
GINNY: Alas! he is betray'd and I undone.
DEAN: Out, strumpet! weep'st thou for him to my face?
GINNY: O, banish me, my lord, but kill me not!
DEAN: Down, strumpet!
GINNY: Kill me to-morrow: let me live to-night!
DRACO: [imitating GINNY] Let me change your mind!
DEAN: Nay, if you strive--
HARRY: [imitating GINNY] Five more minutes?
GINNY: But half an hour!
DEAN: Being done, there is no pause.
HARRY: Three more minutes?
GINNY: But while I say one prayer!
DEAN: It is too late.
HARRY: One more minute?
[DEAN uses GINNY's cloak to mime stifling her.]
HERMIONE: [Offstage] My lord, my lord! what, ho! my lord, my lord!
DEAN: What noise is this? Not dead? not yet quite dead?
I that am cruel am yet merciful;
I would not have thee linger in thy pain: So, so.
DRACO: If you didn't want her to linger, you should have just cut off her
head.
HERMIONE: [still offstage] What, ho! my lord, my lord!
SEAMUS: [irritated] Can't you see the guy's busy?
DEAN: Who's there?
RON: Avon calling!
HERMIONE: [Within] O, good my lord, I would speak a word with you!
DEAN: Yes: 'tis Emilia. By and by. She's dead.
'Tis like she comes to speak of Cassio's death.--
The noise was here. Ha! no more moving?
Still as the grave. Shall she come in? were't good?--
I think she stirs again:--no. What's best to do?
If she come in, she'll sure speak to my wife:
My wife! my wife! what wife? I have no wife.
O insupportable! O heavy hour!
Methinks it should be now a huge eclipse
Of sun and moon, and that the affrighted globe
Should yawn at alteration.
HARRY: That's done it. He's snapped.
HERMIONE: [Within] I do beseech you
That I may speak with you, O, good my lord!
DEAN: I had forgot thee: O, come in, Emilia;
Soft; by and by. Let me the curtains draw.
Where art thou?
[Enter HERMIONE]
What's the matter with thee now?
HARRY: ...stabbing pains... right here... see?
HERMIONE: O, my good lord, yonder's foul murders done!
HARRY: That, too.
DEAN: What, now?
DRACO: No, three weeks ago. She only just now got around to telling you
you're dead.
HERMIONE: But now, my lord.
DEAN: It is the very error of the moon;
She comes more nearer earth than she was wont,
And makes men mad.
SEAMUS: Suuure, blame it on the moon.
HERMIONE: Cassio, my lord, hath kill'd a young Venetian
Call'd Roderigo.
DEAN: Roderigo kill'd!
And Cassio kill'd!
HERMIONE: No, Cassio is not kill'd.
RON: Drat. Didn't Malfoy kill him, too? Hey, Harry, feel left out?
DEAN: Not Cassio kill'd! then murder's out of tune,
And sweet revenge grows harsh.
GINNY: O, falsely, falsely murder'd!
SEAMUS: Aaaaaaa! It talked! The dead body talked!
HERMIONE: Alas, what cry is that?
DEAN: That! what?
HARRY: [imitating DEAN] It was the wind, that's all... just the wind....
HERMIONE: Out, and alas! that was my lady's voice.
Help! help, ho! help! O lady, speak again!
Sweet Desdemona! O sweet mistress, speak!
GINNY: A guiltless death I die.
SEAMUS: It did it again! What kind of play *is* this?
HERMIONE: O, who hath done this deed?
GINNY: Nobody; I myself. Farewell
Commend me to my kind lord: O, farewell!
[GINNY 'dies', but since she just continues lying on the stage with her head
wrapped in her cloak, no one can really tell the difference]
SEAMUS: Finally!
DEAN: Why, how should she be murder'd?
DRACO: I'll take a wild guess and say asphyxiation.
HERMIONE: Alas, who knows?
DEAN: You heard her say herself, it was not I.
SEAMUS: Don't believe her, she's a liar.
HERMIONE: She said so: I must needs report the truth.
DEAN: She's, like a liar, gone to burning hell:
'Twas I that kill'd her.
HERMIONE: O, the more angel she,
And you the blacker devil!
DEAN: She turn'd to folly, and she was a whore.
HERMIONE: Thou dost belie her, and thou art a devil.
DEAN: She was false as water.
HERMIONE: Thou art rash as fire, to say
That she was false: O, she was heavenly true!
HARRY: So neener neener neener.
DEAN: Cassio did top her; ask thy husband else.
O, I were damn'd beneath all depth in hell,
But that I did proceed upon just grounds
To this extremity. Thy husband knew it all.
HERMIONE: My husband!
DEAN: Thy husband.
HERMIONE That she was false to wedlock?
DEAN: Ay, with Cassio. Nay, had she been true,
If heaven would make me such another world
Of one entire and Perfect chrysolite,
I'ld not have sold her for it.
HERMIONE: My husband!
SEAMUS: [carried away] The handkerchief!
DEAN: Ay, 'twas he that told me first:
An honest man he is, and hates the slime
That sticks on filthy deeds.
DRACO: A little soap washes slime right off, though.
HERMIONE: My husband!
SEAMUS: Stop saying that!
DEAN: What needs this iteration, woman? I say thy husband.
HERMIONE: O mistress, villany hath made mocks with love,
My husband say that she was false!
DEAN: He, woman;
I say thy husband: dost understand the word?
My friend, thy husband, honest, honest Iago.
SEAMUS: [imitating HERMIONE] No, could you spell it out for me?
HERMIONE: If he say so, may his pernicious soul
Rot half a grain a day! he lies to the heart:
She was too fond of her most filthy bargain.
HARRY: You should write greeting cards.
DEAN: Ha!
HERMIONE: Do thy worst:
This deed of thine is no more worthy heaven
Than thou wast worthy her.
SEAMUS: Ooh, two for Hermione, while Dean has yet to score.
DRACO: None of us asked about your personal life, Finnegan.
DEAN: Peace, you were best.
HERMIONE: Thou hast not half that power to do me harm
As I have to be hurt. O gull! O dolt!
As ignorant as dirt! thou hast done a deed--
I care not for thy sword; I'll make thee known,
Though I lost twenty lives.--Help! help, ho! help!
The Moor hath kill'd my mistress! Murder! murder!
[Enter NEVILLE (still taking the placce of COLIN), SEAMUS, and DRACO]
SEAMUS: [under his breath] Finally, a little stage time...
[more loudly] What is the matter? How now, general!
HERMIONE: O, are you come, Iago? you have done well,
That men must lay their murders on your neck.
HARRY: [offstage] It's a gift.
NEVILLE: What is the matter?
HERMIONE: Disprove this villain, if thou be'st a man:
He says thou told'st him that his wife was false:
I know thou didst not, thou'rt not such a villain:
Speak, for my heart is full.
RON: Mr. Lockhart, can she be excused? Her heart is full.
LOCKHART: Mr. Weasley, I would very much appreciate not being brought into
this.
RON: But you're the director!
LOCKHART: And?
DRACO: I told him what I thought, and told no more
Than what he found himself was apt and true.
HERMIONE: But did you ever tell him she was false?
DRACO: I did.
HERMIONE: You told a lie, an odious, damned lie;
Upon my soul, a lie, a wicked lie.
HARRY: [offstage] Yeah. So?
HERMIONE: She false with Cassio!--did you say with Cassio?
DRACO: With Cassio, mistress. Go to, charm your tongue.
HARRY: Here, Hermione, you can use my wand.
HERMIONE: [glares offstae at HARRY, who smiles blandly] I will not charm my
tongue; I am bound to speak:
My mistress here lies murder'd in her bed,--
RON: [offstage] No, she's fine. Just resting.
[A beat of silence, during which no one speaks.]
HERMIONE: And your reports have set the murder on.
DEAN: Nay, stare not, masters: it is true, indeed.
NEVILLE: 'Tis a strange truth.
RON: [offstage] No, she's resting.
SEAMUS: O monstrous act!
HERMIONE: [overwrought] Villany, villany, villany!
I think upon't, I think: I smell't: O villany!--
I thought so then:--I'll kill myself for grief:--
O villany, villany!
RON: [crossly] Then kill yourself already and get it over with!
DRACO: What, are you mad? I charge you, get you home.
HERMIONE: Good gentlemen, let me have leave to speak:
'Tis proper I obey him, but not now.
Perchance, Iago, I will ne'er go home.
HARRY: Then everything works out nicely.
DEAN: O! O! O!
[DEAN falls on the ground, then immediately sits up, rubbing his head]
HERMIONE: Nay, lay thee down and roar;
For thou hast kill'd the sweetest innocent
That e'er did lift up eye.
DEAN: [Rising] O, she was foul!
I scarce did know you, uncle: there lies your niece,
Whose breath, indeed, these hands have newly stopp'd:
I know this act shows horrible and grim.
COLIN: Nrgl? Nuh? Drstnnnn!
NEVILLE: Poor Desdemona! I am glad thy father's dead:
Thy match was mortal to him, and pure grief
Shore his old thread in twain: did he live now,
This sight would make him do a desperate turn,
Yea, curse his better angel from his side,
And fall to reprobation.
RON: Did you hear that, Seamus? Your character's dead!
DEAN: 'Tis pitiful; but yet Iago knows
That she with Cassio hath the act of shame
A thousand times committed; Cassio confess'd it:
And she did gratify his amorous works
With that recognizance and pledge of love
Which I first gave her; I saw it in his hand:
It was a handkerchief, an antique token
My father gave my mother.
HERMIONE: O heaven! O heavenly powers!
HARRY: At the sound of the trumpet chorus, please leave your name and number
and we will return your call as soon as possible.
DRACO: Come, hold your peace.
HERMIONE: 'Twill out, 'twill out: I peace!
No, I will speak as liberal as the north:
Let heaven and men and devils, let them all,
All, all, cry shame against me, yet I'll speak.
DRACO: Be wise, and get you home.
HERMIONE: I will not.
[Everyone looks at their script, then DRACO shrugs]
DRACO: [offering] I'll stab her for you.
NEVILLE: Fie!
Your sword upon a woman?
HARRY: The script said he should offer.
HERMIONE: [mocking] O thou dull Moor! that handkerchief thou speak'st of
I found by fortune and did give my husband;
For often, with a solemn earnestness,
More than indeed belong'd to such a trifle,
He begg'd of me to steal it.
DRACO: Villanous whore!
HERMIONE: She give it Cassio! no, alas! I found it,
And I did give't my husband.
DRACO: Filth, thou liest!
HARRY: I think you lost this one, Draco. Better just give up.
HERMIONE: By heaven, I do not, I do not, gentlemen.
O murderous coxcomb! what should such a fool
Do with so good a woman?
DEAN: Are there no stones in heaven
But what serve for the thunder?--Precious villain!
[DEAN charges at DRACO, who dodges and stabs HERMIONE with his wand. She
falls to the ground, simulating death. DRACO races offstage and collides
almost accidentally with HARRY. Both get up, and DRACO heads to a different
part of the Great Hall.]
NEVILLE: The woman falls; sure, he hath kill'd his wife.
HERMIONE: Ay, ay: O, lay me by my mistress' side.
NEVILLE: He's gone, but his wife's kill'd.
SEAMUS 'Tis a notorious villain. Take you this weapon,
Which I have here recover'd from the Moor:
Come, guard the door without; let him not pass,
But kill him rather. I'll after that same villain,
For 'tis a damned slave.
[Exit SEAMUS and NEVILLE. NEVILLE brings the handcuffs out of his pocket and
tosses them to HARRY. All three of them start hunting down DRACO]
DEAN: I am not valiant neither,
But ever puny whipster gets my sword:
But why should honour outlive honesty?
Let it go all.
HERMIONE: What did thy song bode, lady?
Hark, canst thou hear me? I will play the swan.
And die in music.
[offstage, SEAMUS screams]
SEAMUS: Does no one die when you kill them in this play?
RON: I did.
SEAMUS: No, you didn't. You just weren't as talky about it.
RON: Let me know when you decide to make sense.
HERMIONE: [Singing in an okay voice. Better than GINNY, not quite as good
as DRACO]
Willow, willow, willow,--
Moor, she was chaste; she loved thee, cruel Moor;
So come my soul to bliss, as I speak true;
So speaking as I think, I die, I die.
[HERMIONE falls limply into a lying-down position, 'dead']
DEAN: I have another weapon in this chamber;
It is a sword of Spain, the ice-brook's temper:--
O, here it is. Uncle, I must come forth.
HARRY: [offstage] Come on, it'll be fun...
DRACO: Then *you* wear them.
NEVILLE: [at the side of the stage] If thou attempt it, it will cost thee
dear:
Thou hast no weapon, and perforce must suffer.
DEAN: Look in upon me then and speak with me,
Or, naked as I am, I will assault thee.
SEAMUS: [offstage] You're *naked*?!
[Re-enter SEAMUS]
SEAMUS: What is the matter?
DEAN: Behold, I have a weapon;
A better never did itself sustain
Upon a soldier's thigh: I have seen the day,
That, with this little arm and this good sword,
I have made my way through more impediments
Than twenty times your stop: but, O vain boast!
Who can control his fate? 'tis not so now.
Be not afraid, though you do see me weapon'd;
Here is my journey's end, here is my butt,
And very sea-mark of my utmost sail.
Do you go back dismay'd? 'tis a lost fear;
Man but a rush against Othello's breast,
And he retires. Where should Othello go?
Now, how dost thou look now? O ill-starr'd wench!
Pale as thy smock! when we shall meet at compt,
This look of thine will hurl my soul from heaven,
And fiends will snatch at it. Cold, cold, my girl!
Even like thy chastity. O cursed slave!
Whip me, ye devils,
From the possession of this heavenly sight!
Blow me about in winds! roast me in sulphur!
Wash me in steep-down gulfs of liquid fire!
O Desdemona! Desdemona! dead!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Enter NEVILLE, GOYLE, HARRY, and DRACO. DRACO is wearing the handcuffs, and
HARRY has firm grasp of his arm]
NEVILLE: Where is this rash and most unfortunate man?
DEAN: That's he that was Othello: here I am.
NEVILLE: Where is that viper? bring the villain forth.
DEAN: I look down towards his feet; but that's a fable.
If that thou best a devil, I cannot kill thee.
[DEAN stabs DRACO with his wand. DRACO sags into the nearby HARRY, but does
not fall over]
NEVILLE: Wrench his sword from him.
DRACO: I bleed, sir; but not kill'd.
RON: Can't you do anything right, Dean? You're supposed to kill the bad guy!
DEAN: I am not sorry neither: I'ld have thee live;
For, in my sense, 'tis happiness to die.
NEVILLE: O thou Othello, thou wert once so good,
Fall'n in the practise of a damned slave,
What shall be said to thee?
DEAN: Why, any thing:
An honourable murderer, if you will;
For nought I did in hate, but all in honour.
RON: Oh sure, you say that *now*.
NEVILLE: This wretch hath part confess'd his villany:
Did you and he consent in Cassio's death?
DEAN: Ay.
HARRY: Dear general, I never gave you cause.
DEAN: I do believe it, and I ask your pardon.
Will you, I pray, demand that demi-devil
Why he hath thus ensnared my soul and body?
DRACO: Demand me nothing: what you know, you know:
From this time forth I never will speak word.
RON: Pouty, aren't you?
NEVILLE: What, not to pray?
SEAMUS: Torments will ope your lips.
DEAN: Well, thou dost best.
NEVILLE: Sir, you shall understand what hath befall'n,
Which, as I think, you know not. Here is a letter
Found in the pocket of the slain Roderigo;
And here another: the one of them imports
The death of Cassio to be undertook
By Roderigo.
DEAN: O villain!
HARRY: Most heathenish and most gross!
RON: Yes, he's the villain. We all knew that. Now kill him.
NEVILLE: Now here's another discontented paper,
Found in his pocket too; and this, it seems,
Roderigo meant to have sent this damned villain;
But that belike Iago in the interim
Came in and satisfied him.
DEAN: O the pernicious caitiff!
How came you, Cassio, by that handkerchief
That was my wife's?
RON: He is your wife... don't you recognize him...?
SEAMUS: [startled out of character] Hey! That's low, Ron, take it back!
HARRY: I found it in my chamber:
And he himself confess'd but even now
That there he dropp'd it for a special purpose
Which wrought to his desire.
DEAN: O fool! fool! fool!
RON: Yes, we told you so.
HARRY: There is besides in Roderigo's letter,
How he upbraids Iago, that he made him
Brave me upon the watch; whereon it came
That I was cast: and even but now he spake,
After long seeming dead, Iago hurt him,
Iago set him on.
RON: Man, he had plans everywhere, didn't he?
NEVILLE: You must forsake this room, and go with us:
Your power and your command is taken off,
And Cassio rules in Cyprus. For this slave,
If there be any cunning cruelty
That can torment him much and hold him long,
It shall be his. You shall close prisoner rest,
Till that the nature of your fault be known
To the Venetian state. Come, bring him away.
DEAN: Soft you; a word or two before you go.
I have done the state some service, and they know't.
No more of that. I pray you, in your letters,
When you shall these unlucky deeds relate,
Speak of me as I am; nothing extenuate,
Nor set down aught in malice: then must you speak
Of one that loved not wisely but too well;
Of one not easily jealous, but being wrought
Perplex'd in the extreme; of one whose hand,
Like the base Indian, threw a pearl away
Richer than all his tribe; of one whose subdued eyes,
Albeit unused to the melting mood,
Drop tears as fast as the Arabian trees
Their medicinal gum. Set you down this;
And say besides, that in Aleppo once,
Where a malignant and a turban'd Turk
Beat a Venetian and traduced the state,
I took by the throat the circumcised dog,
And smote him, thus.
[DEAN falls to the ground for no discernible reason. It takes a moment
before the other cast members realize he's supposed to be dead. There are
now three cast members lying 'dead' on the stage]
NEVILLE: O bloody period!
SEAMUS: All that's spoke is marr'd. [muttering] Whatever *that* means...
where's a dictionary when you need one?
DEAN: I kiss'd thee ere I kill'd thee: no way but this;
Killing myself, to die upon a kiss.
[Silence falls for a moment]
RON: [coming onstage and pointing at DEAN] Wasn't he supposed to be dead?
Why does everyone get to talk after they've been killed but me?
HARRY: This did I fear, but thought he had no weapon;
For he was great of heart.
NEVILLE: [To DRACO] O Spartan dog,
More fell than anguish, hunger, or the sea!
Look on the tragic loading of this bed;
This is thy work: the object poisons sight;
Let it be hid. Gratiano, keep the house,
And seize upon the fortunes of the Moor,
For they succeed on you. To you, lord governor,
Remains the censure of this hellish villain;
The time, the place, the torture: O, enforce it!
Myself will straight aboard: and to the state
This heavy act with heavy heart relate.
LOCKHART: And that's that. Rehearsal at the same time tomorrow, all of you-
GINNY: Can I move now? My arms are beginning to lock up and I can't breathe.
LOCKHART: [sighs] Yes, you can move.
CRABBE: Look!! I drew a real puppy!
DRACO: [shakes his head] Very nice, Vincent. [in an undertone, to HARRY]
Help....
HARRY: Well... we do have that one scene we need to work on... let's go and
see if we can't get it at least partially right before tomorrow.
DRACO: Good idea.
[They exit the Great Hall. RON is busy untangling GINNY from her cloak.
DEAN and SEAMUS have disappeared. After a few minutes, everyone has left the
Great Hall but one lone figure tied to a chair.]
COLIN: Grsh! Grsh? Snfnee! Grsh...?
End Othello. Thanks for watching.