Broken Hearts (part 3)
It was two days before Chandler went back to work. Monica had one more day off, waiting until Chandler had left before she called in sick. She didn't want him to ask her why she was taking another day off alone. He might even want to stay off himself. Which would defeat the whole point.
She phoned Mark, who was at work, and arranged to meet him for lunch at one o'clock. They were going to a small diner a couple of blocks away from the building where Mark worked. It was also close to his apartment, which she knew was most of the reason he had suggested it, after she had refused to meet him at his apartment. She only wanted to talk, but she knew he would want more.
She stood in front of her wardrobe trying to decide what to wear fo her lunch with Mark. She didn't want to wear her work clothes, so she had to change. The problem was that she had no idea what she should wear instead. She wanted to look nice, but not too dressed up, in case it gave Mark the wrong impression. And once she chose an outfit, she still had to sort out her hair and make up.
She arrived at the diner five minutes early, expecting to have to wait for a while, but Mark was already there. That unnerved her a little. He smiled when he saw her and stood up to greet her. Monica turned her head when he tried to kiss her, so he only got her cheek.
"You look gorgeous," he said.
"Thanks," Monica said, sitting down. She panicked for a second, wondering if she was too dressed up after all. She fidgeted with her hair.
"I don't have long," Mark told her. "I have to be back at work by a quater to two."
"Okay," Monica said. She was glad. If he had to be back at work soon, he wouldn't kepe her long, so she wouldn't have to worry about making sure she got home before Chandler. She reached for a menu, but Mark pulled it out of reach.
"You know what? the service here is terrible. We'll still be waiting for our food at two o'clock. Why don't we go back to my apartment and I'll cook us both some lunch?" Mark offered, trying to sound casual, but Monica guessed he had been planning this since she called him that morning.
"Mark, we need to talk, not...well, you know," she said, trying again to get the menu, he still kept it our of her reach.
"Mon, I haven't seen you for ages!" he whined.
"Four days," she corrected him drily.
"It feels like ages," he insisted. "Monica, please." She sighed. How could she break up with him when all he wanted to do was sleep with her?
"Mark, I don't want to," she said. He leaned accross the plastic covered table and kissed her to try and persuade her. As always she felt her resolve weakening as his touch grew stronger and more demanding.
"Please," he begged, looking at her with puppy dog eyes. Although not as endearingly persuasive as Chandler's, the expression on Mark's face was hard to resist, especially when she didn't really want to resist it.
"Fine," she said sulkily. Mark kissed her again and stood up, pulling her to her feet too.
They went back to Mark's apartment and did exactly what Monica had been hoping to avoid doing, but that she couldn't find the willpower to stop once Mark started it. She forgot about Chandler, about the baby, about everything except her, and Mark and the moment.
It was ten past two before Monica realised that Mark had lied to her. He showed no sign whatsoever of going to work, although he was already late. She supposed there was a chance he could simply have lost track of time, but it was a slim chance. Monica knew he would put off any attempts she made to talk seriously to him until he knew she had to leave. It was as if he felt he would be wasting his time by trying to talk, and he would rather it wasted her time that she devoted to Chandler.
"I thought you had to get back to work," she said coldly.
"Sorry Mon, no such luck. I'm afraid you're stuck with me all afternoon," he told her, not sounding at all sorry for lying to her.
"If you're here all afternoon, we can talk right?" Monica asked, determind to at least take advantage of the situation. She knew she had to break up with him. His lie about having to return to work had simply emphasised the differences between him and Chandler. Chandler would never have lied to her, even about something trivial like that.
"Sure, afterwards," he promised. Monica sighed and resisted his attempts to turn her on again, although she knew she would only be able to resist for a short while.
"No Mark, now. Its important, at least to me," she insisted. Mark groaned in frustration. He had very little time with Monica and he didn't want to waste it talking. He slid his hand along her thigh, trying to distract her, but she pushed him away.
"Fine, talk yourself blue in the face," he invited ungraciously.
"Mark, I need you to listen, not sulk and hate me for now doing what you want," she snapped. "You may just be in this whole thing for sex, but that's because it doesn't matter to you. And don't tell me it does, because I know you'd be lying. And that's okay, because you have nothing to lose. But I have everything to lose. I love Chandler more than anything else in the world. And I can't believe I'm risking losing that for an affair that means nothing to either of us," she lectured.
"If you love him so damn much, how come you keep seeing me?" Mark asked. Monica sighed. She had known he would ask that. And if Chandler, or her friends ever found out, they would ask her the same thing. She had spent hours racking her brains for an answer, but she still had none.
"I honestly don't know," she said, hoping he would accept that and leave her be.
"Come on Monica, don't give me that. You must know," Mark argued.
"I really don't," she insisted. Mark was silent for a few minutes, giving her time to think, something he rarely did, but this time he wanted an answer. He wanted to know why Monica, who was happily engaged, even if it was to a guy as weird as Chandler, would want an affair. He was genuinely curious, having never really been in love, even with Rachel, but from the way Monica's face lit up every time she mentioned Chandler, then how guilt filled her eyes when she remembered how badly she was betraying him, he could tell Monica truely loved Chandler.
"I guess, I guess I wanted the feeling of beginning a new relationship, just one more time. I mean, once I marry Chandler, I'll be tied to him forever, which is great. But I guess maybe I'm frightened of my relationship with Chandler getting, I don't know, getting stale. I really love being him, because he cares about me so much, and he's so sweet and affectionate and considerate and all that. But our relationship isn't as passionate as it used to be. I really miss that," she explained, carefully sounding out the words. They were so hard for her to speak aloud, when up until now she's tried to avoid even thinking them.
Everything she'd told Mark was true. She adored Chandler. He was her best friend, and once that had made the relationship even more special. But now it made her afraid that one day she would wake up next to her best friend, but the part of him, or her, or both of them that made him the love of her live would be dead. And they would be left with just the shell, their friendship. It was a pretty enough shell, but hollow without their love to fill it, and it was worthless to her now, now that they had explored what lay hidden inside.
"Maybe you should talk to Chandler," Mark suggested painfully. Monica nodded, she knew he was right.
"But how can I talk to him without him knowing something's going on?" she asked desperately. Mark shrugged.
"If you ask me, he's a fool not to have alreasy worked out that something's going on, even if he doesn't know what it is," Mark said, adding the last but after seeing the panic stricken look that swept over Monica's face.
"That's the thing. He knows there's something wrong and he keeps trying to comfort me when I'm upset. And that's what made me decide," she said, taking the oppertunity to break up with him, now he was finally listening.
"Decide what?" Mark asked, eyeing her suspiciously.
"Mark, I'm sorry. I think we should stop seeing each other." She put her head down to avoid seeing the hurt look on Mark's face. "Come on Mark, you know we can't go on like this. I can't keep seeing you and going home to Chandler and act like nothing's changed between him and me."
"What's different now Mon? You never used to be happy about it, but you could deal with it. Why can't you anymore?" Mark demanded, scrutinising her, like Chandler did when he knew she was hiding something and was trying to decide if he should press her about it or not.
"I don't know. I guess it just built up," she said. It was true enough, but that wasn't the real reason she was breaking up with him. She didn't want him to know she was pregnant, in case he started thinking it could be his baby, when she was sure it was Chandler's.
"Bullshit," mark snapped. "Don't lie to me Monica. just because you've gotten used to lying to Chandler, doesn't mean you can lie your ass off to me too!" Monica could have slapped him for that comment. Was he actually saying that he was more importnant and had more right to the truth from her than Chandler did?
"I don't owe you an explanation! If anyone deserves and explanation, its Chandler!" she argued.
"Fine then! Why dont' we call him right now and give him one?" Mark suggested. He had no intention of doing so, and Monica knew it. She looked at him with cold disdane.
"You wouldn't dare," she said firmly. He shrugged.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe I won't right now. But maybe in a few weeks, or months, even a few years. You'll have to live the rest of your life with your precious Chandler, wondering if tomorrow will be the last time you fall asleep with him," Mark threatened.
"Oh, quit sounding like you're in a crappy TV movie," Monica snapped.
"Well, for Christ's sake Monica, give me the real reason why you're ending this. Sure, the pressure of hiding it from Chandler is getting to you. But I refuse to believe its the only reason," Mark said, starting to calm down.
"Mark, please, just leave it, okay?" Monica begged. She was tired of arguing with him. If he kept asking, she knew she would end up telling him about the baby.
"Why Monica? What are you hiding?" he asked gently. He touched her face with his left hand. She leaned her head into the palm of his left hand and closed her eyes. So what if she told him? What difference would it make? It didn't make Chandler any more likely to find out about the relationship. Mark wasn't stupid. He knew that everytime he and Monica had sex, they had used a condom. The chances of it being his baby were minimal, especially if she resorted to telling him she and Chandler were more or less trying for a baby.
"I'm pregnant," she said lifelessly. Mark hugged her stiffly, not knowing what to say. He was shocked that he had just had sex with a woman who was pregnant with another man's child. And even more shocked that it didn't hurt him as much as he might have expected if someone told him this would happen. He was shocked, but not upset or really angry at her.
"I'm assuming by the fact that you're breaking up with me that its Chandler's baby?" Mark said softly. Monica nodded slowly. "Well, thanks for telling me the truth, anyway," he said, swallowing hard.
"I'm sorry," she offered uselessly.
"You know what? Its okay. Go back to Chandler. Try and forget this ever happened. Okay?" he recommended. Monica nodded again, although she was a little hurt by the way he could just dismiss their whole relationship, just like that. Sure, she didn't love Mark, and had no illusions, that he loved her. But surely it mattered more to him than just a silly mistake which could be brushed under the carpet and forgotten.
"I should just go," she said. She got off the bed and reached for her clothes. Mark watched her get dressed again, then waved as she left. He didn't try to stop her leaving, or even follow her downstairs. Monica half heartedly waved back. She bit her lip as she went down to the street. She wanted to run all the way home, but it was too far, so she had to be content with running to the subway station. It didn't work, since the whole point was to get away before the tears began, but no one on the platform noticed her, or if they did, they minded their own business.
When Monica arrived at her own apartment, she had stopped crying, and had wiped away her tears. She only hoped no one would be in the apartment when she got there, so she could shower and change her clothes before Chandler got home. She was glad that this would be the last time she had to lie to him, at least directly.
An hour later, Phoebe came over. She had broken up with her boyfriend over lunch, and wanted a friendly ear. But hearing Phoebe's story made Monica want to cry again. Phoebe had only been there a half hour when Monica said she had a headache. 'Thought you wouldn't be lying anymore, huh?' she thought when she heard herself speak the words, practically before she knew it. Lying had become almost second nature to her over the last month, and she hated herself for it.
Chandler stopped off in Central Perk when he got home from work, where he found Rachel and Phoebe, moaning about how unreliable men were. Chandler hadn't even sat down when he realised this.
"Maybe I should just go upstairs," he suggested.
"No, you can't," Rachel told him.
"Why, because I'm not allowed in my own apartment anymore?" he asked.
"No, Monica has a headache," Phoebe said.
"That's funny, she's normally still at work at this time," Chandler said thoughtfully.
"Maybe that's why she came home early," Rachel suggested.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Chandler agreed. "I think I'll go up anyway, check she's okay."
"Can I come to your funeral?" Phoebe asked excitedly. Rachel rolled her eyes. Chandler ignored them both and went up to the apartment.
Monica was cooking dinner when Chandler got to the apartment. She looked up and smiled when Chandler came in.
"Hi honey, you feeling better?" he asked, going over to taste the pasta sauce she was making.
"Huh?" Monica asked, slapping his hand away from the sauce.
"Phoebe said you had a headache," Chandler reminded her.
"Oh yeah, I'm feeling much better now," she said.
"Good," he said, giving her a quick kiss.
"How was your first day back at work?" Chandler asked after dinner.
"Fine," Monica lied.
"Being around all that food didn't make you nauseous?" he joked.
"Nope," Monica said.
"No cravings yet?" he asked.
"I don't think so," she grinned.
"Not even me?" he asked leaning in to kiss her softly. She kissed him back.
"I don't need to be pregnant to have a craving for you," she whispered.
"Me neither," Chandler joked. Monica giggled. "What?" he asked, pretending to be offended that she was laughing at him.
"Nothing, I was just imagining you being pregnant," she told him, still giggling.
"I wouldn't be as good as being pregnant as Arnold Schwarzeneggar," he said.
"No, you wouldn't," she replied. Chandler hit her arm playfully and she grinned.
"Aren't we forgetting something?" he asked, kissing her again. Monica stopped laughing and allowed his tongue into her mouth.
For the first time in a month, she made love to Chandler without being plauged with guilt that she had done the same thing earlier on with Mark. Even though she'd had sex with Mark that afternoon, she had broken up with him, so it eased her guilt a lot. Knowing that from now until forever Chandler would be the only man she kissed, the only man she touched, the only man she slept with.
To Be Continued…
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