Dependency
Dependency sneaks up on you, like a spider creeping through your home for days until the one moment when it's dark, small body stands contrasting the white of your wall. It's then that you realize it's been living with you, enjoying the run of your home and your life, unobserved for who knows how long. Only you can regain your ownership of your home with a simple slap of the shoe, extinguishing the miniature life of the spider. Dependency isn't so simple. You can't swing a bat at it, stomp it out or flush it down the toilet. By the time you realize it's there, you've already lost the advantage.
I think all along, I've known I depend on Hunter more than I wanted to admit. He's as much a part of my life as I am. Life is so ironic. I met him the night of Steve's death, beginning an association that I was almost sure would lead to hatred. How can you grow to like the person who bore the news of your husband's murder? I'd think that the mind would create an impression so deep, that it wouldn't permit another one to be laid over it. I guess our own minds are still a mystery though, even to ourselves.
It all began so easily. I needed a partner, he needed someone to keep him out of trouble. It was a perfectly amicable solution. I could maintain no emotional ties, protect myself from feeling again, hurting again… and he could have someone to cover for him. It all seems like a lifetime ago. My marriage - knowing the feeling of coming home to your best friend, your lover and knowing without a doubt that you are the luckiest person on earth - it all seems like a foggy dream. The kind of dream that you remember so clearly upon first waking, but as the day goes by and your mind fills with the clutter of life, it becomes harder and harder to remember. Seems like I had another life that disappeared as quickly as the faded dream. I woke up and become a shell of the person I was. I look back and it was as though it changed overnight. The night Steve died, I lost myself. I lost vitality, feeling, emotion and desire. I was so sure they'd never return….. yet, here I am. I realize that over the last six years there has been an elf at work, rebuilding me. Surely it happened when I wasn't looking, or I would never have permitted it. Had I known that Hunter would inch his way into my life, would second by second grow in me, would I have allowed it to happen? Probably not. If I'd known then what I am realizing now, I would have turned 180 degrees and ran as fast the other direction as possible. But, at this point, it's not like that. It's not like that at all. It's soft, gentle, and warm…. and insanely scary all at once.
The realization hit me yesterday. Actually, it was more like standing under a crane, and allowing it's outstretched arm to pummel you with broken concrete from a hundred feet above.
*****************
"Hunter, put down the porn," McCall threw the playful accusation across the desks, to where Hunter was thumbing through the pages of a Victoria's Secret catalog.
"McCall, if this is porn, then we better start arresting American Postal Workers all over for distribution." He passed her a grin, accepting the beginning of the daily banter. "Are you trying to tell me you aren't one of Victoria's fans?"
"If I wanted to spend 40 dollars on a bra, I'd better be getting a dress to come with it. That stuff is highly overrated." She rolled her eyes upward, as if she'd just heard the most ridiculous thing ever. "And by the way, however did you manage to get on their mailing list?"
"Oh, Allegra left it." Thud. Allegra Bryant. McCall's heart resounded into her stomach at the name. Hunter had been madly in love with her until her suicide six months earlier. She'd practically moved in with him, practically became Mrs. Hunter, and to be honest, her name had come to leave a foul taste in Dee Dee's mouth. It wasn't that Allegra wasn't nice or beautiful or in any way not perfect. She was, and in fact, that was the problem. McCall had grown used to being the main woman in Hunter's life. She knew she could call him at any time of day or night, and he would be there in an instant. She hadn't realized how much she regarded her as an intrusion until she was gone. She'd actually left Hunter and broken things off about a month before her death, but in those weeks, it had become painfully obvious that he hadn't exactly forgotten her.
"Oh." Great response, McCall. You're having a perfectly wonderful dose of morning playfulness with Hunter, and then your only response is 'oh'. You're just a regular genius aren't you?
She was saved by Hunter, who didn't desire to see the moment, or the direction of the conversation end.
"That's funny, McCall, I always pictured you as the kind who has to have a matching set of white lace under that 'I'm so tough' exterior." Her stomach flipped - did Hunter sit around and debate whether her bra and underwear matched? At that thought, she decided the conversation was getting a little too hot for 8 am.
"Hunter, for your information, Victoria's Secret is that she's way too expensive for a cop's salary." She flashed a 'We're through with this discussion' smile, and flipped open the newest case file.
***********
When he said Allegra's name, it reminded me of one of those beautiful spring days where you can feel the first warm breeze against your face and almost smell the flowers beginning their ascent to the sky, only to be interrupted by a pop up thunderstorm. Hunter and I communicate like I've done with no one else in my life. We tease and joke, so that you never really know if what the other person says is really how they feel or if they're just pushing your buttons. That's the funny part too, is that we know each other so well, we know which buttons to push to make them laugh, to make them mad or to goad them on. We speak in code and only on the rarest of occasions do we drop the front and show true vulnerability. It does happen, but usually only when one of us is going through something. Even I don't completely understand the dynamics of our friendship, relationship - however you choose to define it. We support one another like no one else in our lives can - there are very few people who understand the stress placed on a cop. You're forced to rely on your partner for your very life. It creates an unusual bond. You share a vitality during working hours, which aren't 9-5, and then you're expected to go home and just forget about it until you see that person again. I guess that's why so many cops are divorced - they can't separate their life as a cop and as a partner from their life at home. I suppose that 's why Hunter and I work so well together - neither of us have much of another life outside of work, so there's no need to separate it. Yet, that's why our lives are so damn intertwined; why I struggled so much when he and Allegra were together. He instantly had to separate our lives at work with his life at home. He'd brought a third player into the game, only I didn't get a copy of the new rules.
*************
"Hunter, have you talked to Mrs. Martinez yet?"
"Mrs. Martinez?" Hunter was still engrossed in the pages of lace, satin and thongs. McCall shook her head, pretending to be disgusted.
"You know - Mrs. Martinez - the only possible witness we have in the Anderson murder….. or do we have to dress her up in a black teddie to make her worth questioning???" A slight red color crept up Hunter's neck and cheeks, and the magazine was stashed in a drawer, along with it's secrets.
"For your information, I was waiting for you to get here this morning. I was thinking we would go talk to her together, and grab some coffee. How's that, partner?" She knew he was just making it up as he went along, but decided to let him off the hook.
"Okay, I could go for that," she replied, grabbing for her purse, "but I'm driving." He opened his mouth to protest, but almost immediately knew it was worthless to object. When McCall set her mind to something, it was like trying to move a bull. You eventually either give up, or end up with an angry bull on your hands. The first option usually proved to be much easier on his day, so he steered that course more often than not. Especially lately, ever since Allegra.
He knew that his relationship with her had put some strain on their friendship, but he'd never been able to figure out a solution. His feelings for Allegra ran strong. She was everything he wasn't, and challenged him. When he was with her, he felt like a twenty year old again, as though the strain of years was temporarily lifted from his back. Work seemed to dissolve in the background around her and he could sit back to enjoy the ride her passion created. Yet, for all the joy Allegra brought, it caused an equal amount of turmoil in his relationship with Dee Dee. She never said it out loud, but the casual flirting and teasing that they relied on was noticeably absent. Even before Allegra had left him, he'd debated ending it. He couldn't bear losing what he had with McCall. He'd been torn between two worlds, one of youth and passion, and one of … well, he couldn't even put words to what she meant to him. If something was going to come between them, it wasn't going to be because of him. When Allegra had left it had almost been a relief to have the decision made for him, though he'd never said any of it to McCall, even when when she'd killed herself.
"Earth to Hunter…." McCall snapped her fingers in front of his face, thrusting him back into reality. "I asked you four times if you want Starbucks or a cheap place.?" He awoke from his daze, a mixture of emotions pulsing through his veins at the mention of Allegra.
"How about the good stuff today? Maybe while we're there, they can just hook an IV up and keep me on a constant supply of caffeine." She laughed and headed the car south in pursuit of a coffee fix.
A comfortable silence settled over them for a few moments. They were so familiar with each other that they no longer felt the pressure of having to be constantly engaged in conversation. A keen observer had once told them that their partnership resembled a marriage. Both denied it at the time, but down deep knew it held deep truth.
Their silence was broken by the voice of a dispatcher, "Attention all units. We have a burglary in process at 5454 W. Sunset, Columbian Emeralds. Suspects are two white males in black ski masks, reportedly armed and dangerous." McCall accelerated in that direction, while Hunter simultaneously replied that they were three blocks away and would report immediately. Within two minutes, McCall's red car was haphazardly stopped in front of the Jewelry store, McCall with gun pointed behind the open driver door, Hunter likewise on his side. He yelled for the assailants to come out with their hands up. A gunshot rang out through the front glass as their answer.
"I'm going to go around back, keep talking to them." Hunter threw over his shoulder, as he was off to the side of the brick building. McCall watched him go out of the corner of her eye, cursing to herself that she hadn't even had coffee yet this morning. It was barely 9 am and already Hunter was running off to get a bad guy. What a morning.
"This is the LAPD. I repeat, come out with your hands up!!" She yelled out, only to be answered again by a glass piercing shot. She had instantly traded her identity as friend and coffee seeker for that of a well trained officer. She saw a black and white unit pull up behind her, two officers joining her in her watch.
Suddenly she heard gunfire from the inside, a jolt shooting through her veins at the unexpected popping noises. Taking it as her signal that Hunter must have entered from the back, she ran to the brick wall to the left of the glass jewelry store door. She was about to burst through the door as her body flew backwards almost three feet, landing her on her back in a state of surprise. Wind knocked out of her, but still well trained, she got off two shots and saw one of the two now-fleeing men drop to the ground. The assisting officers fired off more rounds, but to their vision didn't touch the second assailant, who fled on foot. He was immediately followed by one of the uniformed officers, and Dee Dee directed her attention to the wounded man on the sidewalk. Time slowed down momentarily, as she kicked his gun aside and checked for a pulse. Still finding one, she immediately yelled for the another officer to come take care of him while she went inside.
Already slowing time slowed even more. It occurred to her later that it was amazing how events that seem so quick later, seemed to creep by with amazing clarity at the time. She knew the precise moment that she realized Hunter had not followed the two men out, and the following moment where a sickening feeling overtook her like a spring tornado. It was almost as though she knew what she would find before she ran into the store.
Hunter lay on the ground, obviously having burst through the back door, but never made it more than two steps before the bullet had stopped his onslaught. His eyes closed, a dark pool of crimson red spreading from his upper right chest.
*************
It was at that moment that the pile of concrete hit me. I knew at that very moment the definition of dependency. It was only a second in my life, but I think that second changed all the rest of the minutes of my life. As I knelt by his side, checking for a sign of life, I clearly remember every breath I took, every time I blinked and the feel of each touch I laid on his skin. It was like I slowed down to see everything, and at this in opportune moment, I almost laughed. I realized I knew what Keanu Reeves felt like in "The Matrix" when he slowed down and could see each bullet coming at him with time to move around each one of them.
I knew with certain clarity that I needed this man. I needed him more than I needed the oxygen I took in my lungs, or the blood that pulsed through my veins. He had been the elf that crept through my life and returned to me the emotions and virtues I thought worthless.
*************
"Hunter, shit, Hunter, don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me." Outside they heard McCall's voice scream for someone to help, recognizing the tone as one of desperation. As officers, they'd all heard that certain inclination in the voice of someone who was facing an unwanted demon, disguised as pain and loss. Collins was the first one in the store, the first to see the unconscious body of his fellow officer lying in McCall's lap.
*************
I can't bear this again. I just can't. Dammit - this is precisely why I didn't want to get attached to anyone. He was just supposed to be my partner and nothing more. I picked him because he was known for not playing by the rules. He was reckless, tough and didn't seem to care if he was liked or hated. That made him safe. I didn't count on him coming to be my safety.
I've sat here for the last eighteen hours having this never ending discussion in my head. I would think I'd get tired of hearing myself argue, scream, vent and basically drive myself nuts - all without uttering a sound. I heard someone say once that you can only hate those people that you love. Damn whoever that was. I don't want to love Hunter. I don't want to care about him. I want to hate him right now. If he leaves me here alone, I will spend the rest of my living days hating him - all because he made me dependent again.
Psychologists talk about co-dependency, substance dependency, for anything you can do or say, they have a dependency for it. What about partner-dependency? What about a person who was a stranger to you only six short years ago, and now for whom you live, eat and breathe? Does that qualify as something clinical or maybe they just think all cops are nuts to go out there and risk their lives everyday? If we're nuts enough to risk our lives all the time, then maybe we're just a lost cause and they don't figure they should waste their time on our individual psychosis??
Whatever the case, I was able to deny it all until I sat there fighting against him, begging him to stay with me. I could pretend everyday that when we teased, flirted, placed bets - that all of it could be taken for face value. That it meant nothing more than the verbal words spoken, here for a second and then gone for eternity. I could lie to myself until I was covered in his blood, trying to make my skin his skin to prevent the escape of any more precious life energy. After that, it was all useless. I succumbed to the truth.
The truth is that he is my everything. He's my partner, my best friend, my hero, my enemy, in my dreams, in my nightmares. Over the course of the time span we call days and years, we had formed a bond based on utter dependency. We depended on each other to hold our world together. As long as I could see Hunter, it didn't matter what tragedies had befell us, what cruelties the world held - if I knew he would be there, then at least I had that one thing in life to count on. I hate that knowledge, and yet I cling to it.
*************
The doctors and nurses had quit trying to shoo McCall out of Hunter's room. Charlie had convinced her to go home and change while he was in recovery from surgery, but at the doctor's news, she became a fixture by his side. They said they removed the bullet, repaired most of the damage, but that he had lost a lot of blood and had gone into a coma. They might have well told her he'd gone to another planet. It would have left the same feeling - a feeling of abandonment.
Regardless of feelings, she never left his side. She'd remained quiet for the most part. For once, she was at a loss for words. The doctor came into the room at seven the next morning. He checked read all the print outs, checked all vitals… never saying a word to McCall until he sat down in the chair next to her. His gesture surprised her. She couldn't bring herself to ask anything, allowing him to speak first. "He's lucky to have you here." She managed a smile, and he could instantly sense that she was the kind of person who, under normal circumstances, would light up a room with her smile. "We've done a lot of studying about people in a coma. There's still a lot of things we don't understand, but a lot of people say that they can hear the people around them while they're there." McCall studied the kind looking older man.
"Is he going to make it?" She almost spat the words out, as though they had a bitter taste. The question was hard to digest, but she feared the answer to be even worse.
He sighed. "To be honest, I'm not sure. Sometimes when people are in a coma, it's almost like they're fighting between life and death. He's the only one who will be able to tell us that answer." He got up to finish his rounds, but turned and added, "Maybe he just needs to know he has something here to fight for." Before Dee Dee could respond, he was gone.
******************
I believe in angels. I believe they are very real and at times, walk among us. But, I also believe that sometimes people who are in the right place in the right time, and say the right thing, can serve as a temporary angel of sort. Maybe that's what the doctor was. Maybe he just knew I needed to be honest with myself.
I sat and talked for almost two hours. I had a cleansing of the soul, by pouring out everything I could find in myself. Even if he couldn't hear me or if he could and wasn't ever able to respond, I needed to know that for myself, I had told him how I felt.
******************
"Hunter, I know you think I talk all the time, but for some reason I've had a hard time talking to you lately. I mean, we talk all the time about the weather, the Lakers, about our cases… but we don't ever talk about us. Sometimes I wonder what "us" means. I know we're partners and that there's a certain camaraderie that accompanies that. People expect us to be able to work well enough together to cover each other's butts in trouble, and get along during working hours. When we started out, I don't think we hardly even had that. Do you remember, we drove each other nuts that first year?" She almost laughed aloud, and then got quieter. "I don't know when it started to change. I couldn't pinpoint a certain moment, I just know that somehow over time we moved past that.
Maybe you knew that's how I needed it to be. I had my guard up so high after Steve, that I needed someone who wouldn't threaten that, and you didn't. You jumped in and played my game, let me show all my toughness and none of my weaknesses, and then slowly just got me to let it go. You're a sneaky one, aren't you? " She sighed.
"How did it get here? How did it get to the point where our lives inside and outside of work don't even seem separate at times? Even when I go home at night, I think about you. I wonder what you're doing and where you're at. When you call, I know it will be you even before I answer the phone. You make sure I'm okay when I'm sick, you make me laugh when I'm down. I mean, heck, you even know how I like my pancakes. You're more to me than just my partner. Hunter, you're my best friend. You're my confidant, and my haven. Somehow I know if the whole world fell apart, I'd always have you on my side." She choked on a sob, "Hunter, what would I do without you?……………….. I love you." She laid her head on his large, tan hand, squeezing it with her hands. "I need you, Hunter. I depend on you, and I don't want to have to go on without you. Please don't do this to me. Please don't leave me, please…" She stopped talking and allowed her emotions to pour out from her heart onto the sheets of his bed.
***************************
I don't know how I ended up curled up on the bed with him. I was just so exhausted after all the emotion, and I wanted to be near him. If he left me, I needed to have those moments of closeness. If I could be close enough, maybe I could give him some of my strength and will him not to go. If there was a battle going on there, I sure as heck wasn't going to lose without a fight.
*************************
A movement woke her. She had to think to remember where she was, and why she wasn't in her bed. A storm of memories ambushed her all at once, and she remembered. She was fighting for him. Fighting to keep him with her. She was lying next to him on the hospital bed, seeking refuge by his nearness.
"Ouch. My arms asleep." Did she say that?? Elation rose from her stomach upward as she frantically searched Hunter's face. His eyes were closed, but she knew the words had come from him. She jumped backwards, almost falling out the bed. Gathering her footing, but never removing her eyes from his face, she came upon the most precious moment of her life thus far. One eye opened, then the second one. Their blueness was muted , but they were the same eyes of the man she loved. "Hunter?" In her head it was a scream, but verbally it was barely above a whisper. "Oh, Hunter," he gained alertness, and a smile spread contagiously over their faces.
"You weigh more than you look like, cause my arm is dead asleep where you were laying on it," he said with a grin.
McCall took the first deep breath in two days.
"Well, I guess you'll have to put it around me then when we're sleeping, or else it'll feel like that every morning." They looked into each other's eyes, and just smiled.