The Revenge Project Chapter Two
Sephiroth swung his Masamune blade angrily as he dragged his feet towards Cloud's Costa Del
Sol villa. He'd just been enjoying a normal, quiet day, piecing together Mother's
dismembered body, when his phone rang. He was ex-directory so no-one EVER phoned. He had
picked up the phone, ready to give anyone calling a verbal hammering when he heard who it
was - Tifa. After emotionally blackmailing him into killing Aeris - someone he'd already
killed once ANYWAY, she demanded that he turn up in an hour's time, just before Baywatch.
He'd tried to explain that he couldn't miss an episode but -
Sephiroth's train of thought was interrupted when he heard someone whistling. He looked up
and saw Vincent patrolling outside the villa. Remembering Tifa's orders of, "Let anyone see
you and I'll rip out your liver with a corkscrew," Sephiroth flattened himself against the
wall of the villa and peered around the corner.
Vincent was walking up and down the area in front of the villa, whistling the opening theme
to 'Wild ARMS'. He frowned as he once again failed to get the high notes and went back to
thinking about how annoying it was to be patrolling outside. It was all because of Cloud.
Stupid, paranoid Cloud.
"Patrol outside the villa, Vincent," Vincent whined in a high pitched, nasal, mocking voice,
"What if Sephiroth's still alive and summons meteor again, Vincent? Well what am I supposed
to do if I spot it up there? Blast it out of the sky with my Peacemaker and a half eaten
burrito?" He threw the snack to the floor in anger and just stood there for a few moments.
Then, glancing around to make sure no-one was looking, he picked up the burrito, dusted it
off and took a bite out of it. Vincent sighed, bored. He decided to try and perfect his Revolver Ocelot routine. Once again glancing around to make sure no-one was looking, he took on his best tough guy stance and growled, "Special operations, foxhound. Revolver Ocelot." He twirled his Peacemaker around his index finger with surprising skill, catching it perfectly when his hand was level with his head. "I've been waiting for you, Solid Sna-" Vincent stopped, suddenly noticing a figure some distance to his right.
"Who's that - I mean …." Vincent caught himself, remembering he wasn't supposed to say anything while other people were around. He pointed his Peacemaker at the nearby shape.
"Hello, Vincent." Sephiroth smiled coldly, stepping out of the shadows. He rushed forward at alarming speed and rammed his Masamune blade through Vincent's chest. Vincent fell to his knees, blood pouring from the wound. "Pleasant dreams," Sephiroth smiled as Vincent slumped to the floor, coughing up blood.
* * * * *
Yuffie skipped joyfully from the Highwind to the Chocobo Sage's house. The plan was simple. She'd just walk in, snatch the hat from the sage's head and race off to the stables to breed a white chocobo. However, as soon as she entered the door she forgot about her plan, and instead stared disbelievingly around the small cottage, which had completely changed since the last time she'd seen it.
The first thing she noticed was there were two chocobos instead of one; a regular yellow one had joined the green chocobo that normally lived there. The room was decorated mainly with pink, and a leopard skin chair sat next to the fireplace, which the sage sat in with his back to Yuffie. But the big difference was the huge sign on the eastern wall that read 'Big Gay Sage's Big Gay Chocobo Sanctuary'. Yuffie looked bewildered, but she shrugged it off and approached the sage. The sage spun round, revealing that he was wearing a pink floral suit with a handkerchief tied around his neck.
"Well hello there little girl, it's so super to see you!" the sage drawled in a faux-gay accent.
"Umm….hi……." Yuffie managed, forcing a smile. Realising that she wanted to get out of there NOW, she took the direct approach. "Er, could I borrow your hat?"
"Well, sure!" the sage smiled, passing her the hat. "I was going to get rid of that old thing anyway. Now, which of these two do you think suits me most? This? - " he pulled on a brimmed hat with a bright pink feather sticking out of it - "or this? - " he pulled on a small sailor's hat.
"Umm - gotta go!" Yuffie said, grabbing the purple hat and dashing for the door.
"Well thanks for dropping by, it was super to see you!" the sage yelled to the rapidly disappearing ninja.
* * * * *
Sephiroth crouched, rather squashed, on top of Aeris's closet, Masamune in hand. He frowned angrily when he thought about why he was there. Tifa had informed him before that he had to stay perched on this wardrobe until Aeris walked in, then he was to leap down and kebab her…..again.
"But why can't you just kill her?" he had asked.
"I can't kill her silly, it has to look natural!"
"Natural? I wouldn't call a Masamune blade through the gut natural. Besides, it's not like anyone would notice if you did kill her. Yuffie's sliced up Biggs and Wedge a few dozen times already, and I stuck my sword through Vincent's chest on the way in and they still haven't noti - "
"You killed Vincent!?!" Tifa snapped angrily. "Godammit, he was cute! Why couldn't you kill Cait Sith, or that brat Yuffie?"
"Because they weren't patrolling the villa making morons of themselves," replied Sephiroth.
"Oh well, it's not like it matters. I'd better revive the guy before he starts stinking the place up," sighed Tifa. It wasn't like Vincent's death was anything new anyway. The poor guy died every week since he'd been put on patrol - mostly kids playing pranks. "You know, we'd better cut this dialogue short before it turns into a best selling novel with a TV spin-off."
"I doubt it would be a best seller," frowned Sephiroth. "Anyway, as I was saying, no-one notices if you kill anyone round here, and I though you should know, your boyfriend was eating crayons before when I spied on hi- "
"Enough!" snapped Tifa. "Get into position, she'll be here soon!"
"Yes your PMSness," growled Sephiroth, slinking off to Aeris's room.
The Sephiroth in the present yawned, bored. He could be waiting a while.
* * * * *
"Hey, you guys wanna hear my theory?" Cloud asked brightly, looking up from the book he'd been studying.
"Do we have a @^%*in' choice?" snarled Cid.
"Oh good!" Cloud beamed, either ignoring or not fully understanding, (probably the latter), Cid's comment. "I've been reading up on some stuff, and I've found out that another name for Satan is Old Nick!"
"That's not a @%*£in' theory, Clod. And anyway, seeing as we live in a world of universal life-force and magic anyway, and technically there is no afterlife, Satan doesn't exist," Cid said, surprisingly intelligently.
"Oh," said Cloud. "well anyway……..did you just call me Clod?"
"Yes," replied Cid.
"Oh. Anyway, as I was saying, another name for Satan is Old Nick, while Santa Claus is old SAINT Nick. Coincidence?"
"Yes," replied Cid, limiting himself to one word answers as he tried to ignore Cloud as best he could.
"Ah, but this will convince you. SANTA and SATAN are anagrams of each other! Isn't that scary? And they both wear red!"
"So you're telling me," Cid muttered, clutching his temples that were rapidly developing a Cloud-induced headache, "that you think the devil and Santa are the same person? That's your theory?"
"That's part of it," Cloud smiled, about to deliver the most earth shattering revelation of all. "I also believe that Santa/Satan isn't aided by happy little elves at all. In fact, the whole of Hell is full of tortured souls, who spend eternity making toys for the good children of the world while being horsewhipped by Satan's dark minions!"
"That's the biggest load of bullcrap I ever heard," growled Cid. "Firstly, this would mean that Marlene's 'Tickle Me Elmo' figure coulda been made by Hitler. Although….." Cid trailed off, thinking about how he'd like to get his hands on the bastard that made those things. All Christmas day all he'd heard was "Eeheeheeheehee! That tickles!" He only got any peace when he ripped out the batteries and chucked them out the window. They landed in a bonfire, exploded and burnt Biggs and Wedge to death with flying battery acid, but that was beside the point. Cid was completely prepared to believe that Tickle Me Elmo was a nazi's work However, that would mean agreeing with Cloud, and he wasn't prepared to do that.
"Secondly, Santa doesn't exist!" Cait Sith chipped in, growing bored of waiting for Cid to tell Cloud point number two. As Cait said this, a fiery pit opened up beneath him and swallowed him up. "Ho ho ho!" a deep, menacing voice growled as the hole closed.
"Er, anyway," sweat dropped Cid, "surely Satan would award villainy rather than goodness, and Yuffie wouldn't get coal every year. Explain that, Spike!" Cid grinned. He'd got Cloud now.
"Because it's a CONSPIRICY! Satan lures you to the dark side with his tainted gifts and claims your soul when you die!" shouted Cloud. "First it's Tickle Me Elmos and Pikachu plushies, then video games, films and rap music CDs containing violence, sex and depravation! From there on it's only a small step to selling your body and buying smack!" Cloud was becoming delirious now. Cid eyed him, warily.
"Uh, yeah….." he replied. There was a silence. Then finally, "Cloud?" Cid began. "Is it true that you carry such a large sword to compensate for your lack of trouser filler?"
Cloud scowled. "Shut up."
* * * * *
Sephiroth was growing very bored with sitting on the wardrobe. It was cramped and he was bothered by the fact that Aeris's diary was sitting on the bed in front of him, tempting him. He sooo wanted to read it, but he couldn't because it might mess up Tifa's precious plan. Suddenly, he heard a voice. Not a regular voice, but one that came from inside his messed up, egotistical, maniacal, homicidal head.
"Hello," it said.
"Uh, hi," replied Sephiroth.
"I'm your inner voice, a sign of your struggle with insanity n'other stuff."
"Go away," Sephiroth scowled. "I don't need you. I have enough to do with Mother to contend with - at least I will have when I finish sticking her arms back on. Anyway, isn't Cloud the only one with an inner voice?"
"I'm a freelance inner voice," the voice said. "I'm here to tell you to read Aeris's diary.
"Y'know, it'd be a whole lot easier to say 'Aerith's diary'. Aerith's, Aeris's - sounds better, doesn't it?"
"It does, doesn't it? But I refuse to call her Aerith. That's only for 'Ooh, I bought the import Japanese version which is in an foreign language and thus I can't understand the plot which is the best element of the game but I'm such a hardcore gamer that I'm prepared to waste 60 dollars on something which makes no sense but has a lot of kewl FMVs and I can boast to my friends who humour me 'cos they're the only friends I can get due to me sitting in my house and playing games that I don't understand instead of going out' jerks."
"That's exactly my view," nodded Sephiroth, impressed by the voice's outburst.
"I know. I am your inner voice after all."
"I thought you were Cloud's inner voice?"
"Anyway," said the voice, annoyed with all this side tracking. "I'm here to tell you to read Aeris's diary."
"Okay."
"What? That's it? No internal struggle as your emotions battle with your sense of right and wrong?"
"Sorry."
"Tch, fine. Go," said the voice, poutily. Sephiroth hopped lightly down from the wardrobe and picked the diary up from the bed. Its light peach pages gave off a flowery scent as he flicked through them, and around the edges of every page were little hearts with arrows through them reading 'Aeris 4 Cloud'. "Grow up," Sephy muttered as he flicked to the latest entry and began to read:
Aeris's Diary
So anyway, me and Cloud were just in the bedroom, having fun and not bothering anyone when TIFA walked in and started saying Cloud was HER boyfriend. Cloud tried to calm us both down, but Tifa just wouldn't lay off. So I called her a lobotomised Saved By The Bell reject, and she was like, 'Hey, did you just call me fat?' And I was like, "No you retard, you obviously don't understand me 'cos I'm so intelleejunt!' Tifa is an ugly skank. Yuffie called her a man before too. Serves the slut right! And the -
"Sephiroth!" shouted Aeris. "What are you doing in MY room? Reading MY diary?!"
"Rats," Sephiroth growled. "You couldn't have come in when I was arguing with the voice in my head just now, could you?"
"What?"
"Uh, never mind. Hey wait, aren't I supposed to be killing you - " Sephiroth was cut off as Odin leapt through the window, knocking over all the furniture. Odin swung his sword, slicing Sephiroth in two while his six footed horse scraped its mud laden hooves on the carpet. Odin left as dramatically as he had entered, crashing through the wall, sending masonry and debris flying and leaving Aeris with a destroyed room, a bleeding corpse and a huge bill for repairing the wall.
"Thanks for coming!" she shouted innocently after Odin, waving her summon materia aloft.
* * * * *
"Curses," snarled Tifa from a distance. "My evil plan is foiled. But I can't give up, this fic isn't even half over yet! Now, I need someone low enough to kill a sweet, innocent little girl for cash." Tifa though for a while. Then it struck her. "Of course! The Turks!"
* * * * *
Yuffie threw the chocobo sage's spit-covered hat to the floor and jumped up and down on it angrily. She had attempted to feed it to her two chocobos - 'Lucrecia' (named by Vincent) and 'Ding dong the bitch is dead' (named by Tifa just after Aeris's death) - six times, but each time she had failed. The chocobos at first spat it out, then they Chocobuckled her a few times, then they resorted to vomiting on Yuffie's shoes. She was getting SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF.
Thinking back, she remembered the last time they had bred chocobos. Yuffie had been stuck in a team with Cloud and Tifa when they went to breed their first coloured chocobo. Tifa was feeding it a nut when Cloud suddenly piped up, "Tifa……where do chocobos come from?"
"Oh God," muttered Tifa, holding her head and popping another tranquilliser. "Okay Cloud, it's like this. When a mummy chocobo and a daddy chocobo love each other very much…….." Tifa trailed off, unable to think of a plausible story. She made pleading faces at Yuffie. Yuffie smiled, evilly.
"….They apply to like, the Sacred Spirit of Omni so they can attempt the five trials of Da-Chao!" smiled Yuffie. Tifa made neck cutting motions, but Yuffie continued. "They face five gruelling tests of endurance, knowledge and spirit with the final test being a fight to the death with another pair of prospective chocobo parents. And if they beat the tests, they win their baby chocobo, and if they lose, Leviathan rises up from the flames of Da-Chao's fire cave, momentarily extinguishing them and claiming the life of the chicobo." Tifa groaned and slapped her face with her hand. THAT was even more disturbing than the real story.
"Oh," Cloud said casually. "Why don't they just have sex like everyone else?"
But anyway….
During the lengthy and gratuitous flashback sequence, Yuffie had remembered something. The white chocobo in Mideel! Sure it was a scrawny little thing, but it would do. Yuffie skipped gleefully to the Highwind and set a course for Mideel.
The Revenge Project Chapter Three
Man works for many things. Love. Pride. Self satisfaction. Great wodges of cash. It was the latter that appealed to the Turks as they stalked their prey, silently, slipping cat-like from shadow to shadow, ensuring they weren't seen.
Except for Rude.
"See the little goblin, see his little feet! See his little nosey-wose, isn't the goblin sweet!" sang the inebriated Rude as he staggered along the hallway of Cloud's villa.
"Reno, do something!" hissed Elena. "He'll blow our cover!" Reno was about to knock Rude over the head with his night stick when he noticed something.
"Er, Rude? Why is there an ostrich feather sticking out of your butt?"
"Because," said Rude, as if the answer was obvious and Reno was just being stupid, "the good pixies put it there to keep out the evil pixies! Stoopid!"
"oh, right. I guess that explains everything," said Reno as he brought his night stick down sharply on Rude's shiny bald head. He fell to the floor with a thud.
"Reno, now what are we going to do? Rude was supposed to distract Aeris by flirting with her. You can't do that because you've got the night stick, and I can't do it because - "
"Ha! You can't use the fact that you're female to get out of this. It's sexual discrimination!"
"No it's not, it's common sen - "
"No time to argue. Here she comes!" Reno ducked into a nearby doorway, dragging Rude's unconscious body with him. Elena tried to sneak in too, but Reno pushed her out with all his strength. She fell forwards and smacked right into Aeris, knocking them both over, Elena on top of Aeris.
"Er, hello," Aeris said, bemused.
"Hi," said Elena uncomfortably.
"Well, isn't this nice?" Aeris smiled, flirtatiously.
"Umm, yeah." Elena gave Reno a desperate pleading look, but he was too busy taking Polaroid's. Elena snarled. She rolled off Aeris, 'accidentally' thumping her fist down as hard as she could on Reno's in-growing toenail as she did. Reno screamed silently, mouthing incomprehensible curses.
Aeris sprang to her feet.
"Need a hand?" she smiled, helping Elena up. They stood there for a second.
"You still have hold of my hand," observed Elena.
"I know," smiled Aeris.
"Could you….let go?"
"What's in it for me?" Aeris smiled her flirtatious smile again. Elena shuddered and withdrew her hand sharply. She went to stamp on Reno's foot, (which was obscured by the doorway, so Aeris couldn't see it), but instead trod on one of Rude's fingers.
"YEEOOOOOOOW!!!" yelled the now conscious Rude. Aeris gasped.
"The Turks! What are you doing here?"
"Reno wash trying tooh kill yooh. Owed a favoh to Tifaaah….Moneyy beeeeg…." Rude slurred. Reno kicked him savagely in the nuts.
"Eeeep!!" squeaked Rude.
"Damn! Time to show the true will and spirit of the Turks! Let's run!" commanded Elena.
"Wait! Come back Elena! There's so much I want to tell- I mean fine, don't come back!" Aeris added hastily.
* * * * *
"Curses!" Tifa growled once again, watching the action through a pair of Metal Gear style binoculars at a safe distance. "I should have known what a bunch of useless drunken cowards the Turks are. I only have one plan left! This had better work….." Tifa dialled her PHS and cackled evilly.
* * * * *
Yuffie sprang joyfully from the Highwind at the Midgar swamp. She had, um, 'acquired' the white chocobo without too much difficulty - the owner did scream a bit, but Yuffie gagged her without much of a problem, and yes, she did bite her hard on the hand, but it didn't draw too much blood, and Yuffie had just had a tetanus jab anyway.
Yuffie approached the swamp. She knew she couldn't ride the chocobo under the swamp, but she could just hold its tail feathers and let it pull her down or something. Then suddenly, she heard voices from behind her.
"Is this the place?"
"Yes, Jessie, it is. What's our wonderful plan? Ooh! Ooh! Do I get to dress up as a girl?" Jessie covered her face with her hands.
"No, James, you do not get to dress up as a girl. I still haven't got my underwear back from last time!"
"Umm….Arbok ate it," James said, hastily.
"Chaaah-bok!" Arbok hissed angrily, biting James on his perfectly manicured fingers, a look of distaste crossing the snake's face as it tasted James' hand cream.
"Who the hell are you?" Yuffie said to the oddly dressed pair, her eyebrows raised. "Oh, and those jump suits are like, totally uncool. Whatever."
"Who are we?" exclaimed Jessie, ignoring Yuffie's comment on their fashion sense. "We are the world famous Team Rocket! Allow us to introduce ourselves. To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all transvestites within our nation!"
"JAMES!!!"
"Sorry, sorry," mumbled James. "To unite all peoples within out nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and lo- "
"Gawd, like I'm sorry I asked!" interrupted Yuffie. "Like, I don't care who you are!" She wandered over to the swamp, muttering something about badly done crossovers, and proceeded to dunk the white chocobo in the swamp's murky water in an attempt to make it swim down there as Team Rocket watched, bemused. Suddenly, the Midgar Zolom appeared, towering over Yuffie and the chocobo. With one mighty snap of its jaws, it swallowed the chocobo whole.
"Like, NOOOOOO!! GAWWWD!!" Yuffie screamed as the Zolom swallowed her last hope of revenge. However, Team Rocket seemed very happy at the Zolom's presence.
"Look, Jessie, there it is! The mighty Zolomon!"
"Zolomon?" Yuffie asked, puzzled.
"It's a top secret pokemon! We found out about it on Hax0r dO0d 69's page, so it must be true!" James said, grinning like the poor, gullible idiot he is. "I'll catch it in my pokeball!"
The pokeball sailed up in a perfect arc, hitting the zolomon square on the nose. James squeaked. The zolomon looked angry, then confused, then angry and confused. With one swift motion the zolom snapped Team Rocket up in its jaws, but spat them out again when it tasted James' perfume and hair glitter.
"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Team Rocket shouted as they sailed over the horizon.
"Well, like, that sure made no sense," muttered Yuffie. She was about to haul herself sulkily to the Highwind when she saw something glimmer on the surface of the swamp. On closer inspection it turned out to be a laminated piece of paper stamped with the words 'Item Ticket - to be redeemed at the Wall Market Weapon Shop'.
"Like, wahoo!" Yuffie yelled, snatching up the ticket and racing to the Highwind.
* * * * *
Solid Snake sighed as he replaced the receiver. Yet another crossover. At least the fic hadn't yet perpetrated the ultimate fanfiction sin though - a FF7/8 crossover. Snake pulled on his coat - Tifa had told him he had to be at her house in an hour - someone needed rescuing. He had told her she was out of her mind, and that everybody he rescued died, but she told him to come anyway, and he did still owe her for that time behind 7th Heaven a few years ago. Snake made for the door. As he was about to leave though, a blonde woman with a whip poked her head around the living room door.
"Going so soon, Snake?" she said, looking disappointed. "I thought you paid for two hours?"
"Get a grip, Snake," Snake muttered to himself. "You did not hire Quistis Trepe as a prostitute. This is not a Final Fantasy 8 crossover. Just don't look." Snake shut his eyes and opened the door, and didn't open his eyes again until he was safely in the front garden. Squall Leonheart and Seifer Almasy were fighting to the death on the front lawn, while Rinoa was sunbathing nearby. Selphie was forcing Irvine to do naked press-ups, (good or bad mental image? You decide!), while Fujin and Raijin were tiling the roof.
"RAGE!" Fujin yelled for no apparent reason, kicking Raijin in the shin. Raijin tumbled off the roof, landing face down on top of Rinoa, causing Squall to haul him off and kick him in the nuts. Meanwhile, Zell hung out of the top window.
"Hey, Snakey boy!" he yelled. "Got any hot dogs?"
"Just don't look, Snake," Snake repeated to himself. "Just don't look."
* * * * *
Yuffie bounced triumphantly into the Wall Market Weapon Shop.
"Like, hi!" she squealed to the guy behind the counter. "I'd like to exchange this token for the SPECIAL materia!" The guy behind the counter eyed the stranger. She was dressed in virtually nothing and holding a giant shuriken with all the materia slots filled with coal. The girl had 'mug' written all over her.
"Umm…. this doesn't get it you for free, ya know! I'll be needing 20,000 gil too!" Yuffie just grinned and slapped a wad of notes on the desktop. Money had been no problem for AVALANCE after they had mastered and sold all their All materias.
"Er, better make that 30,000," the guy said. Yuffie placed another wad of gil on the counter. "40." Yuffie coughed up the cash. "Okay, here's your materia!" the guy grinned, handing over a piece of red materia from below the counter.
"Like, thanks!" Yuffie yelled, bouncing off to the Highwind. She was halfway to the door when the guy realised he'd given her the wrong materia.
"Oh well," he shrugged.
* * * * *
"Look, it's very simple," Tifa explained. "When Aeris walks over the large 'X' painted on the floor here, I will release the anvil in the tradition of Bugs Bunny and other much loved comic japery." Tifa waved her laser pointer at a diagram of a crudely drawn stick woman saying "Tee hee hee, I'm Aeris, and I'm such a ho!" standing on a large 'X' with an anvil hanging over her.
"O-kayyy….." Snake said, with one of those 'Okay, whatever you say you freakish freak' looks crossing his face as he did so.
"Shut up and listen!" Tifa commanded. "When I release the anvil, you shall race over, dive underneath the anvil and roll to safety with Aeris, rescuing her from pancakedom." Tifa gestured wildly to a picture of a stick man lying on top of a stick woman with an anvil lying nearby.
"I like that picture," Snake grinned, dirtily.
"Be quiet. When you have rescued Aeris, Foxdie should come into effect and she should die." Tifa gestured to a picture of a gravestone with the words 'Burn in Hell you boyfriend stealing tramp' written on it.
"I believe the normal phrase is RIP," Snake said, smoothly.
"Silence! Do you have any questions?"
"Yes, actually. Why don't you just let the anvil squash her?"
"Because, silly, it has to look natural."
Snake was reflecting on the stupidity of this comment when Tifa hissed - "Be quiet! Here she comes!"
"But I didn't say anything!" whimpered Snake, as he was shoved roughly into the nearest doorway.
Soon, Aeris came skipping along in her usual irritating, simpering, IQ of 10 pink overload kind of way. Tifa readied the anvil release system and smirked. Much to her delight, Aeris stopped right on the centre of the 'X' and began to wipe at something on her shoe.
"Oh dear, I appear to have a mark on my dainty little shoe. (Note - Aeris was not wearing her usual size 1028 steel-toed man's work boots which clash so horribly with her flowery pinkishness). I must wipe it off, and where better than on this large cross with a heavy object hanging over me."
Meanwhile, Tifa was stabbing desperately at the anvil release system remote.
"C'mon you piece of crap, work!"
"Oh dear, this stain doesn't appear to be coming off…."
"Please work, please!"
"It really is rather stubborn…"
"WORK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
"Oh wait, it's not a stain, it's a buckle! Tee hee!" and with that, Aeris skipped away to the bathroom.
"Curses! Follow her and rescue her!" Tifa ordered. Snake ran into the bathroom, where he found Aeris about to clean her teeth.
"A-HA!" Snake yelled, grabbing the toothbrush from Aeris, then snapped it, burned it, spat on it, stamped on it and mailed it to the Billie Piper fan club with a note saying, 'Your face is next!' (And why not?)
"That toothbrush could have been…kept in an unsanitary place! And the toothpaste could have been poisoned!" Aeris looked at Snake oddly, (probably because he used a word longer than two syllables), while Tifa grinned.
"That's right, bitch!" she smirked. "I poisoned that tooth paste last night! And now that you have been rescued, foxdie should be coming into effect, and you should be dying…now! Mwah ha ha ha!"
"Actually, I feel fine." Aeris confessed.
"Ah yes, I forgot to tell you that," Snake said. "Foxdie is only effective on those who are no longer vital to the plot, or evil villains who are just about to kill you. Sorry."
"Wh-what?" Tifa exclaimed. "But she saved the Planet from Meteor! She's served her purpose!"
"Ah, no. Actually she still has a very large part to play. She still has to pull your hair, call you a ho, and fight over Cloud, who will NEVER display an interest in either of you. It just wouldn't be a Final Fantasy 7 fanfic without it, y'know."
"Rats," muttered Tifa.
"Well, I'll be going now," Snake said, disappearing through a plot hole.
"Oh well," Tifa sighed. "Might as well make the best of it. Dog!"
"Harlot!" Aeris replied.
"Tramp!"
"Prozzy!"
Then Tifa dived on Aeris, pulling her hair and shrieking. Nothing new then. Sigh.
The Revenge Project Chapter Four
"I'm back!" yelled Yuffie, breaking down the door and holding a red summon materia aloft. "Like, mwah ha ha, prepare to meet thy doom, and other scary stuff!"
No one paid the young thief any attention.
"Like, hello? I'm about to kill you with this here Bahamut in a thong materia! You should be crying for mommy by now!"
Still, no one paid her any attention. "That's it! I'll show you all! It's morphin' time!" she yelled, holding the red orb out in front of her. Nothing happened. "Er, no, damn, I mean….." Her voice trailed off as she tried to hide her embarrassment at liking the Power Rangers. Especially the white ranger. She'd had a crush on him since he was the green ranger. She covered her face as it turned a bright shade of red. Not that it mattered of course, since everybody was ignoring her anyway.
"Oh, screw this!" she yelled. "Bahamut in a Thong! I summon you!" For a moment, nothing happened. Then Biggs and Wedge suddenly appeared in mid air and dropped to the floor. The free-fall of two feet instantly killed Wedge.
"Did somebody summon us?" asked Biggs. Then he noticed his deceased friend's body lying next to him.
"I guess my time's up," sighed Biggs, running himself through with a sword seconds before he was attacked by a troupe of rabid Chu-Chus.
"What the hell is this!?!" screeched Yuffie. The other members of AVALANCHE winced and covered their ears. "A Biggs and Wedge summon materia? What kind of Gawd forsaken crap is this?" The other members of AVALANCHE once again paid no heed to her. They were too busy tying Cloud to a stake and setting his hair alight for letting Yuffie into their party in the first place. I mean, first she ambushes them, then runs off with half their gil, and the next time they meet up Cloud asks her to join them! What's that all about? Cloud screamed as his gel soaked spikes were set alight.
"OH MY SPOONY, MY HAIR APPEARS TO BE ON FIRE!" he yelled. What the other members of AVALANCHE didn't realise was that Cloud had been using a particular, very flammable brand of hair gel since he was about 7. This gel had soaked through to his brain, but because his brain wasn't all that big there were a lot of gel fumes floating around in the empty space. Cloud's head exploded, sending viscera flying and covering the remaining members of AVALANCHE with red goo. Biggs and Wedge, whom Yuffie had just summoned again, were killed in the explosion.
"…Holy @^@*!" was the most Cid could manage. Everyone grunted in agreement.
"I wouldn't like to be here when Tifa and Aeris get back," muttered Red. As if on cue, Tifa walked in that very second.
"Hi guys!" she grinned. She was feeling much better since she locked Aeris upside down in the freezer.
"Er, hi Tifa!" Barret smiled, blocking Tifa's field of vision as best he could as Cid dragged Cloud's headless corpse into the broom cupboard.
"YOU!" roared Yuffie. "You stole my story!"
"What?" enquired Tifa, confused.
"You muscled in on my big break! This was going to be just about me! ME, Godammit! But then you had to go and do that stupid Aeris-murdering plotline!"
"Er, I-"
"This was going to be called 'The Yuffie Story', or something. It was going to be MY moment of fame! Do you honestly think I LIKE being the character that everyone hates? If those slack-jawed, workshy hicks hate me so much then why did they spend hours wandering round the Junon forests just to find me? But there shall be an end! I SHALL HAVE MY GLORY!"
Tifa raised an eyebrow, disbelieving, as Yuffie produced two gunblades seemingly from nowhere with a deft flick of her wrist.
"Where were you hiding those - "
"None of your business!" Yuffie snapped. She tossed Tifa a gunblade, and swirled hers about menacingly.
"This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me…or something," growled Yuffie as she swung her gunblade in small arcs around her. Eventually, she pointed her gunblade at Tifa.
"Let's go!" she yelled, charging at her. Tifa sighed at yet another unnecessary fight scene. She picked up her gunblade and laced her finger around the trigger.
"Why does no-one ever use the gun function of a gunblade?" she wondered, as she pulled the trigger. Several shots rang out as Tifa fired a hail of bullets at the charging Yuffie. It looked like it was all over. Then suddenly, Biggs and Wedge appeared in front of Yuffie. Before they could say anything, the bullets ripped through their bodies, killing them instantly.
"Thank Gawd for expendable characters," beamed Yuffie, the red summon materia glistening in her left hand. With a powerful swing of her gunblade, she relieved Tifa's shoulders of her head.
"I win!" she smiled, cheerily. "Now I'm off to summon Biggs and Wedge in the middle of a freeway!" She skipped off happily, leaving Cid, Barret, Red and Cait Sith to piece together the dead.
"I don't think we've got a hope in hell's chance of getting the bits of Cloud's messed up @^@* head back together," sighed Cid, as he scraped some red, lumpy goo and shattered pieces of skull from his flight jacket.
"I found one of his eyeballs behind the sofa!" called Cait, holding up one of Cloud's mako blue eyes.
"I think it's a lost cause," commented Red. "However, I do have an idea. Cait, fetch Tifa's head….."
* * * * *
"I'm so glad that Ninja girl didn't find that materia," Bahamut said to Kjata. "I really don't know how I'd fit into this thing." The dragon esper held up a tiny polka dotted thong. Just then, Biggs and Wedge crawled in.
"Hey guys," Bahamut greeted them. "You alright? You look like you've been hit by a truck."
"We HAVE been hit by a truck," growled Biggs, coughing up blood.
"Uh oh, looks like you're being summoned again!"
"@@^*!!!"
* * * * *
Aeris's Diary
So anyway, I was just walking into the bathroom to clean my teeth when this guy turns up and introduces himself as Solid Snake. I ask him if his Snake is as solid as his name says, and he says, 'I don't know, wanna find out?' So I was about to, um, find out, when TIFA walks in and says I should be dying from Foxdie now, and I said 'You dumbass Tifa, everybody knows that only expendable characters or villains about to kill you are affected by Foxdie,' and she said 'I knew that, what kind of a moron do you think I am?' Then we had this big fight and I locked her upside down in the freezer. That'll teach her.
Hello?
Can anyone hear me?
Guys, seriously, it's cold in here, and I feel faaaiinnnnt………
* * * * *
"Tifa?" a voice said softly. "Tifa, wake up!"
Slowly, Tifa opened her eyes "H-huh?" she said, confused. Her head was throbbing with a dull ache, and her whole body felt - odd. She drew her hand up to her head, her hand brushing her chest on the way up. Something was wrong. It felt…flat.
"Now Tifa, don't look down just yet," chided Cid, pinning Tifa's struggling head down. "There was an accident, and we had to…Oh, here comes Barret, fresh from chipping Aeris's frozen body from the freezer. He'll tell you the rest."
"Dat's right, foo'," growled Barret, brushing pieces of frozen Aeris out of his beard. "Cloud's head be in too many pieces to repair, but we still be needin' his body 'cos he be the toughest out of all of us. So, we be doin' some home surgery. Take a look fo' yoself."
Cid finally released Tifa's head and allowed her to look at her body. She glanced around the room and saw her own headless corpse lying on the floor. Pieces of skull and cranial matter were stuck to the walls, and one of Cloud's eyeballs hung from the ceiling. She looked down, already knowing what to expect. She saw Cloud's body, Buster sword clutched in one had, half eaten packet of crayons in the other.
"NOOOOOOO!!!"
~FIN~
Sephiroth swung his Masamune blade angrily as he dragged his feet towards Cloud's Costa Del
Sol villa. He'd just been enjoying a normal, quiet day, piecing together Mother's
dismembered body, when his phone rang. He was ex-directory so no-one EVER phoned. He had
picked up the phone, ready to give anyone calling a verbal hammering when he heard who it
was - Tifa. After emotionally blackmailing him into killing Aeris - someone he'd already
killed once ANYWAY, she demanded that he turn up in an hour's time, just before Baywatch.
He'd tried to explain that he couldn't miss an episode but -
Sephiroth's train of thought was interrupted when he heard someone whistling. He looked up
and saw Vincent patrolling outside the villa. Remembering Tifa's orders of, "Let anyone see
you and I'll rip out your liver with a corkscrew," Sephiroth flattened himself against the
wall of the villa and peered around the corner.
Vincent was walking up and down the area in front of the villa, whistling the opening theme
to 'Wild ARMS'. He frowned as he once again failed to get the high notes and went back to
thinking about how annoying it was to be patrolling outside. It was all because of Cloud.
Stupid, paranoid Cloud.
"Patrol outside the villa, Vincent," Vincent whined in a high pitched, nasal, mocking voice,
"What if Sephiroth's still alive and summons meteor again, Vincent? Well what am I supposed
to do if I spot it up there? Blast it out of the sky with my Peacemaker and a half eaten
burrito?" He threw the snack to the floor in anger and just stood there for a few moments.
Then, glancing around to make sure no-one was looking, he picked up the burrito, dusted it
off and took a bite out of it. Vincent sighed, bored. He decided to try and perfect his Revolver Ocelot routine. Once again glancing around to make sure no-one was looking, he took on his best tough guy stance and growled, "Special operations, foxhound. Revolver Ocelot." He twirled his Peacemaker around his index finger with surprising skill, catching it perfectly when his hand was level with his head. "I've been waiting for you, Solid Sna-" Vincent stopped, suddenly noticing a figure some distance to his right.
"Who's that - I mean …." Vincent caught himself, remembering he wasn't supposed to say anything while other people were around. He pointed his Peacemaker at the nearby shape.
"Hello, Vincent." Sephiroth smiled coldly, stepping out of the shadows. He rushed forward at alarming speed and rammed his Masamune blade through Vincent's chest. Vincent fell to his knees, blood pouring from the wound. "Pleasant dreams," Sephiroth smiled as Vincent slumped to the floor, coughing up blood.
* * * * *
Yuffie skipped joyfully from the Highwind to the Chocobo Sage's house. The plan was simple. She'd just walk in, snatch the hat from the sage's head and race off to the stables to breed a white chocobo. However, as soon as she entered the door she forgot about her plan, and instead stared disbelievingly around the small cottage, which had completely changed since the last time she'd seen it.
The first thing she noticed was there were two chocobos instead of one; a regular yellow one had joined the green chocobo that normally lived there. The room was decorated mainly with pink, and a leopard skin chair sat next to the fireplace, which the sage sat in with his back to Yuffie. But the big difference was the huge sign on the eastern wall that read 'Big Gay Sage's Big Gay Chocobo Sanctuary'. Yuffie looked bewildered, but she shrugged it off and approached the sage. The sage spun round, revealing that he was wearing a pink floral suit with a handkerchief tied around his neck.
"Well hello there little girl, it's so super to see you!" the sage drawled in a faux-gay accent.
"Umm….hi……." Yuffie managed, forcing a smile. Realising that she wanted to get out of there NOW, she took the direct approach. "Er, could I borrow your hat?"
"Well, sure!" the sage smiled, passing her the hat. "I was going to get rid of that old thing anyway. Now, which of these two do you think suits me most? This? - " he pulled on a brimmed hat with a bright pink feather sticking out of it - "or this? - " he pulled on a small sailor's hat.
"Umm - gotta go!" Yuffie said, grabbing the purple hat and dashing for the door.
"Well thanks for dropping by, it was super to see you!" the sage yelled to the rapidly disappearing ninja.
* * * * *
Sephiroth crouched, rather squashed, on top of Aeris's closet, Masamune in hand. He frowned angrily when he thought about why he was there. Tifa had informed him before that he had to stay perched on this wardrobe until Aeris walked in, then he was to leap down and kebab her…..again.
"But why can't you just kill her?" he had asked.
"I can't kill her silly, it has to look natural!"
"Natural? I wouldn't call a Masamune blade through the gut natural. Besides, it's not like anyone would notice if you did kill her. Yuffie's sliced up Biggs and Wedge a few dozen times already, and I stuck my sword through Vincent's chest on the way in and they still haven't noti - "
"You killed Vincent!?!" Tifa snapped angrily. "Godammit, he was cute! Why couldn't you kill Cait Sith, or that brat Yuffie?"
"Because they weren't patrolling the villa making morons of themselves," replied Sephiroth.
"Oh well, it's not like it matters. I'd better revive the guy before he starts stinking the place up," sighed Tifa. It wasn't like Vincent's death was anything new anyway. The poor guy died every week since he'd been put on patrol - mostly kids playing pranks. "You know, we'd better cut this dialogue short before it turns into a best selling novel with a TV spin-off."
"I doubt it would be a best seller," frowned Sephiroth. "Anyway, as I was saying, no-one notices if you kill anyone round here, and I though you should know, your boyfriend was eating crayons before when I spied on hi- "
"Enough!" snapped Tifa. "Get into position, she'll be here soon!"
"Yes your PMSness," growled Sephiroth, slinking off to Aeris's room.
The Sephiroth in the present yawned, bored. He could be waiting a while.
* * * * *
"Hey, you guys wanna hear my theory?" Cloud asked brightly, looking up from the book he'd been studying.
"Do we have a @^%*in' choice?" snarled Cid.
"Oh good!" Cloud beamed, either ignoring or not fully understanding, (probably the latter), Cid's comment. "I've been reading up on some stuff, and I've found out that another name for Satan is Old Nick!"
"That's not a @%*£in' theory, Clod. And anyway, seeing as we live in a world of universal life-force and magic anyway, and technically there is no afterlife, Satan doesn't exist," Cid said, surprisingly intelligently.
"Oh," said Cloud. "well anyway……..did you just call me Clod?"
"Yes," replied Cid.
"Oh. Anyway, as I was saying, another name for Satan is Old Nick, while Santa Claus is old SAINT Nick. Coincidence?"
"Yes," replied Cid, limiting himself to one word answers as he tried to ignore Cloud as best he could.
"Ah, but this will convince you. SANTA and SATAN are anagrams of each other! Isn't that scary? And they both wear red!"
"So you're telling me," Cid muttered, clutching his temples that were rapidly developing a Cloud-induced headache, "that you think the devil and Santa are the same person? That's your theory?"
"That's part of it," Cloud smiled, about to deliver the most earth shattering revelation of all. "I also believe that Santa/Satan isn't aided by happy little elves at all. In fact, the whole of Hell is full of tortured souls, who spend eternity making toys for the good children of the world while being horsewhipped by Satan's dark minions!"
"That's the biggest load of bullcrap I ever heard," growled Cid. "Firstly, this would mean that Marlene's 'Tickle Me Elmo' figure coulda been made by Hitler. Although….." Cid trailed off, thinking about how he'd like to get his hands on the bastard that made those things. All Christmas day all he'd heard was "Eeheeheeheehee! That tickles!" He only got any peace when he ripped out the batteries and chucked them out the window. They landed in a bonfire, exploded and burnt Biggs and Wedge to death with flying battery acid, but that was beside the point. Cid was completely prepared to believe that Tickle Me Elmo was a nazi's work However, that would mean agreeing with Cloud, and he wasn't prepared to do that.
"Secondly, Santa doesn't exist!" Cait Sith chipped in, growing bored of waiting for Cid to tell Cloud point number two. As Cait said this, a fiery pit opened up beneath him and swallowed him up. "Ho ho ho!" a deep, menacing voice growled as the hole closed.
"Er, anyway," sweat dropped Cid, "surely Satan would award villainy rather than goodness, and Yuffie wouldn't get coal every year. Explain that, Spike!" Cid grinned. He'd got Cloud now.
"Because it's a CONSPIRICY! Satan lures you to the dark side with his tainted gifts and claims your soul when you die!" shouted Cloud. "First it's Tickle Me Elmos and Pikachu plushies, then video games, films and rap music CDs containing violence, sex and depravation! From there on it's only a small step to selling your body and buying smack!" Cloud was becoming delirious now. Cid eyed him, warily.
"Uh, yeah….." he replied. There was a silence. Then finally, "Cloud?" Cid began. "Is it true that you carry such a large sword to compensate for your lack of trouser filler?"
Cloud scowled. "Shut up."
* * * * *
Sephiroth was growing very bored with sitting on the wardrobe. It was cramped and he was bothered by the fact that Aeris's diary was sitting on the bed in front of him, tempting him. He sooo wanted to read it, but he couldn't because it might mess up Tifa's precious plan. Suddenly, he heard a voice. Not a regular voice, but one that came from inside his messed up, egotistical, maniacal, homicidal head.
"Hello," it said.
"Uh, hi," replied Sephiroth.
"I'm your inner voice, a sign of your struggle with insanity n'other stuff."
"Go away," Sephiroth scowled. "I don't need you. I have enough to do with Mother to contend with - at least I will have when I finish sticking her arms back on. Anyway, isn't Cloud the only one with an inner voice?"
"I'm a freelance inner voice," the voice said. "I'm here to tell you to read Aeris's diary.
"Y'know, it'd be a whole lot easier to say 'Aerith's diary'. Aerith's, Aeris's - sounds better, doesn't it?"
"It does, doesn't it? But I refuse to call her Aerith. That's only for 'Ooh, I bought the import Japanese version which is in an foreign language and thus I can't understand the plot which is the best element of the game but I'm such a hardcore gamer that I'm prepared to waste 60 dollars on something which makes no sense but has a lot of kewl FMVs and I can boast to my friends who humour me 'cos they're the only friends I can get due to me sitting in my house and playing games that I don't understand instead of going out' jerks."
"That's exactly my view," nodded Sephiroth, impressed by the voice's outburst.
"I know. I am your inner voice after all."
"I thought you were Cloud's inner voice?"
"Anyway," said the voice, annoyed with all this side tracking. "I'm here to tell you to read Aeris's diary."
"Okay."
"What? That's it? No internal struggle as your emotions battle with your sense of right and wrong?"
"Sorry."
"Tch, fine. Go," said the voice, poutily. Sephiroth hopped lightly down from the wardrobe and picked the diary up from the bed. Its light peach pages gave off a flowery scent as he flicked through them, and around the edges of every page were little hearts with arrows through them reading 'Aeris 4 Cloud'. "Grow up," Sephy muttered as he flicked to the latest entry and began to read:
Aeris's Diary
So anyway, me and Cloud were just in the bedroom, having fun and not bothering anyone when TIFA walked in and started saying Cloud was HER boyfriend. Cloud tried to calm us both down, but Tifa just wouldn't lay off. So I called her a lobotomised Saved By The Bell reject, and she was like, 'Hey, did you just call me fat?' And I was like, "No you retard, you obviously don't understand me 'cos I'm so intelleejunt!' Tifa is an ugly skank. Yuffie called her a man before too. Serves the slut right! And the -
"Sephiroth!" shouted Aeris. "What are you doing in MY room? Reading MY diary?!"
"Rats," Sephiroth growled. "You couldn't have come in when I was arguing with the voice in my head just now, could you?"
"What?"
"Uh, never mind. Hey wait, aren't I supposed to be killing you - " Sephiroth was cut off as Odin leapt through the window, knocking over all the furniture. Odin swung his sword, slicing Sephiroth in two while his six footed horse scraped its mud laden hooves on the carpet. Odin left as dramatically as he had entered, crashing through the wall, sending masonry and debris flying and leaving Aeris with a destroyed room, a bleeding corpse and a huge bill for repairing the wall.
"Thanks for coming!" she shouted innocently after Odin, waving her summon materia aloft.
* * * * *
"Curses," snarled Tifa from a distance. "My evil plan is foiled. But I can't give up, this fic isn't even half over yet! Now, I need someone low enough to kill a sweet, innocent little girl for cash." Tifa though for a while. Then it struck her. "Of course! The Turks!"
* * * * *
Yuffie threw the chocobo sage's spit-covered hat to the floor and jumped up and down on it angrily. She had attempted to feed it to her two chocobos - 'Lucrecia' (named by Vincent) and 'Ding dong the bitch is dead' (named by Tifa just after Aeris's death) - six times, but each time she had failed. The chocobos at first spat it out, then they Chocobuckled her a few times, then they resorted to vomiting on Yuffie's shoes. She was getting SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF.
Thinking back, she remembered the last time they had bred chocobos. Yuffie had been stuck in a team with Cloud and Tifa when they went to breed their first coloured chocobo. Tifa was feeding it a nut when Cloud suddenly piped up, "Tifa……where do chocobos come from?"
"Oh God," muttered Tifa, holding her head and popping another tranquilliser. "Okay Cloud, it's like this. When a mummy chocobo and a daddy chocobo love each other very much…….." Tifa trailed off, unable to think of a plausible story. She made pleading faces at Yuffie. Yuffie smiled, evilly.
"….They apply to like, the Sacred Spirit of Omni so they can attempt the five trials of Da-Chao!" smiled Yuffie. Tifa made neck cutting motions, but Yuffie continued. "They face five gruelling tests of endurance, knowledge and spirit with the final test being a fight to the death with another pair of prospective chocobo parents. And if they beat the tests, they win their baby chocobo, and if they lose, Leviathan rises up from the flames of Da-Chao's fire cave, momentarily extinguishing them and claiming the life of the chicobo." Tifa groaned and slapped her face with her hand. THAT was even more disturbing than the real story.
"Oh," Cloud said casually. "Why don't they just have sex like everyone else?"
But anyway….
During the lengthy and gratuitous flashback sequence, Yuffie had remembered something. The white chocobo in Mideel! Sure it was a scrawny little thing, but it would do. Yuffie skipped gleefully to the Highwind and set a course for Mideel.
The Revenge Project Chapter Three
Man works for many things. Love. Pride. Self satisfaction. Great wodges of cash. It was the latter that appealed to the Turks as they stalked their prey, silently, slipping cat-like from shadow to shadow, ensuring they weren't seen.
Except for Rude.
"See the little goblin, see his little feet! See his little nosey-wose, isn't the goblin sweet!" sang the inebriated Rude as he staggered along the hallway of Cloud's villa.
"Reno, do something!" hissed Elena. "He'll blow our cover!" Reno was about to knock Rude over the head with his night stick when he noticed something.
"Er, Rude? Why is there an ostrich feather sticking out of your butt?"
"Because," said Rude, as if the answer was obvious and Reno was just being stupid, "the good pixies put it there to keep out the evil pixies! Stoopid!"
"oh, right. I guess that explains everything," said Reno as he brought his night stick down sharply on Rude's shiny bald head. He fell to the floor with a thud.
"Reno, now what are we going to do? Rude was supposed to distract Aeris by flirting with her. You can't do that because you've got the night stick, and I can't do it because - "
"Ha! You can't use the fact that you're female to get out of this. It's sexual discrimination!"
"No it's not, it's common sen - "
"No time to argue. Here she comes!" Reno ducked into a nearby doorway, dragging Rude's unconscious body with him. Elena tried to sneak in too, but Reno pushed her out with all his strength. She fell forwards and smacked right into Aeris, knocking them both over, Elena on top of Aeris.
"Er, hello," Aeris said, bemused.
"Hi," said Elena uncomfortably.
"Well, isn't this nice?" Aeris smiled, flirtatiously.
"Umm, yeah." Elena gave Reno a desperate pleading look, but he was too busy taking Polaroid's. Elena snarled. She rolled off Aeris, 'accidentally' thumping her fist down as hard as she could on Reno's in-growing toenail as she did. Reno screamed silently, mouthing incomprehensible curses.
Aeris sprang to her feet.
"Need a hand?" she smiled, helping Elena up. They stood there for a second.
"You still have hold of my hand," observed Elena.
"I know," smiled Aeris.
"Could you….let go?"
"What's in it for me?" Aeris smiled her flirtatious smile again. Elena shuddered and withdrew her hand sharply. She went to stamp on Reno's foot, (which was obscured by the doorway, so Aeris couldn't see it), but instead trod on one of Rude's fingers.
"YEEOOOOOOOW!!!" yelled the now conscious Rude. Aeris gasped.
"The Turks! What are you doing here?"
"Reno wash trying tooh kill yooh. Owed a favoh to Tifaaah….Moneyy beeeeg…." Rude slurred. Reno kicked him savagely in the nuts.
"Eeeep!!" squeaked Rude.
"Damn! Time to show the true will and spirit of the Turks! Let's run!" commanded Elena.
"Wait! Come back Elena! There's so much I want to tell- I mean fine, don't come back!" Aeris added hastily.
* * * * *
"Curses!" Tifa growled once again, watching the action through a pair of Metal Gear style binoculars at a safe distance. "I should have known what a bunch of useless drunken cowards the Turks are. I only have one plan left! This had better work….." Tifa dialled her PHS and cackled evilly.
* * * * *
Yuffie sprang joyfully from the Highwind at the Midgar swamp. She had, um, 'acquired' the white chocobo without too much difficulty - the owner did scream a bit, but Yuffie gagged her without much of a problem, and yes, she did bite her hard on the hand, but it didn't draw too much blood, and Yuffie had just had a tetanus jab anyway.
Yuffie approached the swamp. She knew she couldn't ride the chocobo under the swamp, but she could just hold its tail feathers and let it pull her down or something. Then suddenly, she heard voices from behind her.
"Is this the place?"
"Yes, Jessie, it is. What's our wonderful plan? Ooh! Ooh! Do I get to dress up as a girl?" Jessie covered her face with her hands.
"No, James, you do not get to dress up as a girl. I still haven't got my underwear back from last time!"
"Umm….Arbok ate it," James said, hastily.
"Chaaah-bok!" Arbok hissed angrily, biting James on his perfectly manicured fingers, a look of distaste crossing the snake's face as it tasted James' hand cream.
"Who the hell are you?" Yuffie said to the oddly dressed pair, her eyebrows raised. "Oh, and those jump suits are like, totally uncool. Whatever."
"Who are we?" exclaimed Jessie, ignoring Yuffie's comment on their fashion sense. "We are the world famous Team Rocket! Allow us to introduce ourselves. To protect the world from devastation!"
"To unite all transvestites within our nation!"
"JAMES!!!"
"Sorry, sorry," mumbled James. "To unite all peoples within out nation."
"To denounce the evils of truth and lo- "
"Gawd, like I'm sorry I asked!" interrupted Yuffie. "Like, I don't care who you are!" She wandered over to the swamp, muttering something about badly done crossovers, and proceeded to dunk the white chocobo in the swamp's murky water in an attempt to make it swim down there as Team Rocket watched, bemused. Suddenly, the Midgar Zolom appeared, towering over Yuffie and the chocobo. With one mighty snap of its jaws, it swallowed the chocobo whole.
"Like, NOOOOOO!! GAWWWD!!" Yuffie screamed as the Zolom swallowed her last hope of revenge. However, Team Rocket seemed very happy at the Zolom's presence.
"Look, Jessie, there it is! The mighty Zolomon!"
"Zolomon?" Yuffie asked, puzzled.
"It's a top secret pokemon! We found out about it on Hax0r dO0d 69's page, so it must be true!" James said, grinning like the poor, gullible idiot he is. "I'll catch it in my pokeball!"
The pokeball sailed up in a perfect arc, hitting the zolomon square on the nose. James squeaked. The zolomon looked angry, then confused, then angry and confused. With one swift motion the zolom snapped Team Rocket up in its jaws, but spat them out again when it tasted James' perfume and hair glitter.
"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Team Rocket shouted as they sailed over the horizon.
"Well, like, that sure made no sense," muttered Yuffie. She was about to haul herself sulkily to the Highwind when she saw something glimmer on the surface of the swamp. On closer inspection it turned out to be a laminated piece of paper stamped with the words 'Item Ticket - to be redeemed at the Wall Market Weapon Shop'.
"Like, wahoo!" Yuffie yelled, snatching up the ticket and racing to the Highwind.
* * * * *
Solid Snake sighed as he replaced the receiver. Yet another crossover. At least the fic hadn't yet perpetrated the ultimate fanfiction sin though - a FF7/8 crossover. Snake pulled on his coat - Tifa had told him he had to be at her house in an hour - someone needed rescuing. He had told her she was out of her mind, and that everybody he rescued died, but she told him to come anyway, and he did still owe her for that time behind 7th Heaven a few years ago. Snake made for the door. As he was about to leave though, a blonde woman with a whip poked her head around the living room door.
"Going so soon, Snake?" she said, looking disappointed. "I thought you paid for two hours?"
"Get a grip, Snake," Snake muttered to himself. "You did not hire Quistis Trepe as a prostitute. This is not a Final Fantasy 8 crossover. Just don't look." Snake shut his eyes and opened the door, and didn't open his eyes again until he was safely in the front garden. Squall Leonheart and Seifer Almasy were fighting to the death on the front lawn, while Rinoa was sunbathing nearby. Selphie was forcing Irvine to do naked press-ups, (good or bad mental image? You decide!), while Fujin and Raijin were tiling the roof.
"RAGE!" Fujin yelled for no apparent reason, kicking Raijin in the shin. Raijin tumbled off the roof, landing face down on top of Rinoa, causing Squall to haul him off and kick him in the nuts. Meanwhile, Zell hung out of the top window.
"Hey, Snakey boy!" he yelled. "Got any hot dogs?"
"Just don't look, Snake," Snake repeated to himself. "Just don't look."
* * * * *
Yuffie bounced triumphantly into the Wall Market Weapon Shop.
"Like, hi!" she squealed to the guy behind the counter. "I'd like to exchange this token for the SPECIAL materia!" The guy behind the counter eyed the stranger. She was dressed in virtually nothing and holding a giant shuriken with all the materia slots filled with coal. The girl had 'mug' written all over her.
"Umm…. this doesn't get it you for free, ya know! I'll be needing 20,000 gil too!" Yuffie just grinned and slapped a wad of notes on the desktop. Money had been no problem for AVALANCE after they had mastered and sold all their All materias.
"Er, better make that 30,000," the guy said. Yuffie placed another wad of gil on the counter. "40." Yuffie coughed up the cash. "Okay, here's your materia!" the guy grinned, handing over a piece of red materia from below the counter.
"Like, thanks!" Yuffie yelled, bouncing off to the Highwind. She was halfway to the door when the guy realised he'd given her the wrong materia.
"Oh well," he shrugged.
* * * * *
"Look, it's very simple," Tifa explained. "When Aeris walks over the large 'X' painted on the floor here, I will release the anvil in the tradition of Bugs Bunny and other much loved comic japery." Tifa waved her laser pointer at a diagram of a crudely drawn stick woman saying "Tee hee hee, I'm Aeris, and I'm such a ho!" standing on a large 'X' with an anvil hanging over her.
"O-kayyy….." Snake said, with one of those 'Okay, whatever you say you freakish freak' looks crossing his face as he did so.
"Shut up and listen!" Tifa commanded. "When I release the anvil, you shall race over, dive underneath the anvil and roll to safety with Aeris, rescuing her from pancakedom." Tifa gestured wildly to a picture of a stick man lying on top of a stick woman with an anvil lying nearby.
"I like that picture," Snake grinned, dirtily.
"Be quiet. When you have rescued Aeris, Foxdie should come into effect and she should die." Tifa gestured to a picture of a gravestone with the words 'Burn in Hell you boyfriend stealing tramp' written on it.
"I believe the normal phrase is RIP," Snake said, smoothly.
"Silence! Do you have any questions?"
"Yes, actually. Why don't you just let the anvil squash her?"
"Because, silly, it has to look natural."
Snake was reflecting on the stupidity of this comment when Tifa hissed - "Be quiet! Here she comes!"
"But I didn't say anything!" whimpered Snake, as he was shoved roughly into the nearest doorway.
Soon, Aeris came skipping along in her usual irritating, simpering, IQ of 10 pink overload kind of way. Tifa readied the anvil release system and smirked. Much to her delight, Aeris stopped right on the centre of the 'X' and began to wipe at something on her shoe.
"Oh dear, I appear to have a mark on my dainty little shoe. (Note - Aeris was not wearing her usual size 1028 steel-toed man's work boots which clash so horribly with her flowery pinkishness). I must wipe it off, and where better than on this large cross with a heavy object hanging over me."
Meanwhile, Tifa was stabbing desperately at the anvil release system remote.
"C'mon you piece of crap, work!"
"Oh dear, this stain doesn't appear to be coming off…."
"Please work, please!"
"It really is rather stubborn…"
"WORK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"
"Oh wait, it's not a stain, it's a buckle! Tee hee!" and with that, Aeris skipped away to the bathroom.
"Curses! Follow her and rescue her!" Tifa ordered. Snake ran into the bathroom, where he found Aeris about to clean her teeth.
"A-HA!" Snake yelled, grabbing the toothbrush from Aeris, then snapped it, burned it, spat on it, stamped on it and mailed it to the Billie Piper fan club with a note saying, 'Your face is next!' (And why not?)
"That toothbrush could have been…kept in an unsanitary place! And the toothpaste could have been poisoned!" Aeris looked at Snake oddly, (probably because he used a word longer than two syllables), while Tifa grinned.
"That's right, bitch!" she smirked. "I poisoned that tooth paste last night! And now that you have been rescued, foxdie should be coming into effect, and you should be dying…now! Mwah ha ha ha!"
"Actually, I feel fine." Aeris confessed.
"Ah yes, I forgot to tell you that," Snake said. "Foxdie is only effective on those who are no longer vital to the plot, or evil villains who are just about to kill you. Sorry."
"Wh-what?" Tifa exclaimed. "But she saved the Planet from Meteor! She's served her purpose!"
"Ah, no. Actually she still has a very large part to play. She still has to pull your hair, call you a ho, and fight over Cloud, who will NEVER display an interest in either of you. It just wouldn't be a Final Fantasy 7 fanfic without it, y'know."
"Rats," muttered Tifa.
"Well, I'll be going now," Snake said, disappearing through a plot hole.
"Oh well," Tifa sighed. "Might as well make the best of it. Dog!"
"Harlot!" Aeris replied.
"Tramp!"
"Prozzy!"
Then Tifa dived on Aeris, pulling her hair and shrieking. Nothing new then. Sigh.
The Revenge Project Chapter Four
"I'm back!" yelled Yuffie, breaking down the door and holding a red summon materia aloft. "Like, mwah ha ha, prepare to meet thy doom, and other scary stuff!"
No one paid the young thief any attention.
"Like, hello? I'm about to kill you with this here Bahamut in a thong materia! You should be crying for mommy by now!"
Still, no one paid her any attention. "That's it! I'll show you all! It's morphin' time!" she yelled, holding the red orb out in front of her. Nothing happened. "Er, no, damn, I mean….." Her voice trailed off as she tried to hide her embarrassment at liking the Power Rangers. Especially the white ranger. She'd had a crush on him since he was the green ranger. She covered her face as it turned a bright shade of red. Not that it mattered of course, since everybody was ignoring her anyway.
"Oh, screw this!" she yelled. "Bahamut in a Thong! I summon you!" For a moment, nothing happened. Then Biggs and Wedge suddenly appeared in mid air and dropped to the floor. The free-fall of two feet instantly killed Wedge.
"Did somebody summon us?" asked Biggs. Then he noticed his deceased friend's body lying next to him.
"I guess my time's up," sighed Biggs, running himself through with a sword seconds before he was attacked by a troupe of rabid Chu-Chus.
"What the hell is this!?!" screeched Yuffie. The other members of AVALANCHE winced and covered their ears. "A Biggs and Wedge summon materia? What kind of Gawd forsaken crap is this?" The other members of AVALANCHE once again paid no heed to her. They were too busy tying Cloud to a stake and setting his hair alight for letting Yuffie into their party in the first place. I mean, first she ambushes them, then runs off with half their gil, and the next time they meet up Cloud asks her to join them! What's that all about? Cloud screamed as his gel soaked spikes were set alight.
"OH MY SPOONY, MY HAIR APPEARS TO BE ON FIRE!" he yelled. What the other members of AVALANCHE didn't realise was that Cloud had been using a particular, very flammable brand of hair gel since he was about 7. This gel had soaked through to his brain, but because his brain wasn't all that big there were a lot of gel fumes floating around in the empty space. Cloud's head exploded, sending viscera flying and covering the remaining members of AVALANCHE with red goo. Biggs and Wedge, whom Yuffie had just summoned again, were killed in the explosion.
"…Holy @^@*!" was the most Cid could manage. Everyone grunted in agreement.
"I wouldn't like to be here when Tifa and Aeris get back," muttered Red. As if on cue, Tifa walked in that very second.
"Hi guys!" she grinned. She was feeling much better since she locked Aeris upside down in the freezer.
"Er, hi Tifa!" Barret smiled, blocking Tifa's field of vision as best he could as Cid dragged Cloud's headless corpse into the broom cupboard.
"YOU!" roared Yuffie. "You stole my story!"
"What?" enquired Tifa, confused.
"You muscled in on my big break! This was going to be just about me! ME, Godammit! But then you had to go and do that stupid Aeris-murdering plotline!"
"Er, I-"
"This was going to be called 'The Yuffie Story', or something. It was going to be MY moment of fame! Do you honestly think I LIKE being the character that everyone hates? If those slack-jawed, workshy hicks hate me so much then why did they spend hours wandering round the Junon forests just to find me? But there shall be an end! I SHALL HAVE MY GLORY!"
Tifa raised an eyebrow, disbelieving, as Yuffie produced two gunblades seemingly from nowhere with a deft flick of her wrist.
"Where were you hiding those - "
"None of your business!" Yuffie snapped. She tossed Tifa a gunblade, and swirled hers about menacingly.
"This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me…or something," growled Yuffie as she swung her gunblade in small arcs around her. Eventually, she pointed her gunblade at Tifa.
"Let's go!" she yelled, charging at her. Tifa sighed at yet another unnecessary fight scene. She picked up her gunblade and laced her finger around the trigger.
"Why does no-one ever use the gun function of a gunblade?" she wondered, as she pulled the trigger. Several shots rang out as Tifa fired a hail of bullets at the charging Yuffie. It looked like it was all over. Then suddenly, Biggs and Wedge appeared in front of Yuffie. Before they could say anything, the bullets ripped through their bodies, killing them instantly.
"Thank Gawd for expendable characters," beamed Yuffie, the red summon materia glistening in her left hand. With a powerful swing of her gunblade, she relieved Tifa's shoulders of her head.
"I win!" she smiled, cheerily. "Now I'm off to summon Biggs and Wedge in the middle of a freeway!" She skipped off happily, leaving Cid, Barret, Red and Cait Sith to piece together the dead.
"I don't think we've got a hope in hell's chance of getting the bits of Cloud's messed up @^@* head back together," sighed Cid, as he scraped some red, lumpy goo and shattered pieces of skull from his flight jacket.
"I found one of his eyeballs behind the sofa!" called Cait, holding up one of Cloud's mako blue eyes.
"I think it's a lost cause," commented Red. "However, I do have an idea. Cait, fetch Tifa's head….."
* * * * *
"I'm so glad that Ninja girl didn't find that materia," Bahamut said to Kjata. "I really don't know how I'd fit into this thing." The dragon esper held up a tiny polka dotted thong. Just then, Biggs and Wedge crawled in.
"Hey guys," Bahamut greeted them. "You alright? You look like you've been hit by a truck."
"We HAVE been hit by a truck," growled Biggs, coughing up blood.
"Uh oh, looks like you're being summoned again!"
"@@^*!!!"
* * * * *
Aeris's Diary
So anyway, I was just walking into the bathroom to clean my teeth when this guy turns up and introduces himself as Solid Snake. I ask him if his Snake is as solid as his name says, and he says, 'I don't know, wanna find out?' So I was about to, um, find out, when TIFA walks in and says I should be dying from Foxdie now, and I said 'You dumbass Tifa, everybody knows that only expendable characters or villains about to kill you are affected by Foxdie,' and she said 'I knew that, what kind of a moron do you think I am?' Then we had this big fight and I locked her upside down in the freezer. That'll teach her.
Hello?
Can anyone hear me?
Guys, seriously, it's cold in here, and I feel faaaiinnnnt………
* * * * *
"Tifa?" a voice said softly. "Tifa, wake up!"
Slowly, Tifa opened her eyes "H-huh?" she said, confused. Her head was throbbing with a dull ache, and her whole body felt - odd. She drew her hand up to her head, her hand brushing her chest on the way up. Something was wrong. It felt…flat.
"Now Tifa, don't look down just yet," chided Cid, pinning Tifa's struggling head down. "There was an accident, and we had to…Oh, here comes Barret, fresh from chipping Aeris's frozen body from the freezer. He'll tell you the rest."
"Dat's right, foo'," growled Barret, brushing pieces of frozen Aeris out of his beard. "Cloud's head be in too many pieces to repair, but we still be needin' his body 'cos he be the toughest out of all of us. So, we be doin' some home surgery. Take a look fo' yoself."
Cid finally released Tifa's head and allowed her to look at her body. She glanced around the room and saw her own headless corpse lying on the floor. Pieces of skull and cranial matter were stuck to the walls, and one of Cloud's eyeballs hung from the ceiling. She looked down, already knowing what to expect. She saw Cloud's body, Buster sword clutched in one had, half eaten packet of crayons in the other.
"NOOOOOOO!!!"
~FIN~