Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. Everything else belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the WB.
Finished: April 7, 2001
~~ Is This The End? ~~
Wesley, Gunn, Cordelia, and Angel have helped me a lot in the past two weeks...especially Angel. He encourages me to talk to him about anything and everything because he's scared that I'll do something to hurt myself again. I sleep in a room adjacent to his with an adjoining door, which he leaves open all the time because one night I was in the bath when he came to talk to me and had to wrestle a hairdryer out of my hands. He left the bathroom with the appliance and lay on his bed.
After a few minutes, I went out to talk to him but he was extremely quiet so I just lay down with my back against his chest. I told him I was sorry and he wrapped his arms around me until I fell asleep. The next day I promised Angel, and myself, that I couldn't let it go that far ever again. Not because I knew suicide was wrong, but because I didn't want to hurt him. Each night following that one he stayed with me until I fell asleep, sometimes waking up beside him. Knowing he hadn't left me was the best feeling in the world.
Angel acted different around me and I felt like a child around him. He was always asking what I was thinking if I wasn't talking. Whenever we entered a room, he'd look around as if to check if it was safeguarded.
I tried to leave a couple times because I felt like I was a burden in Angel's life. Whenever I tried to get close to him physically, he would tell me I wasn't ready for it yet. But I really think that he wasn't ready to deal with me yet. When I'd finally had enough of his rejections, I packed up a suitcase and started walking to the bus station with what was left in my bank account. He found me a couple blocks down the street and took me back to the hotel. Again he was completely silent. I explained to him that he didn't need to look after me like I was a child. I had to deal with my own problems. He remained quiet until we got home, then asked Cordelia and Wesley to keep an eye on me while he went to his room for a while. I explained to Wes and Cordy that that was why I ran away in the first place. I caused them too much pain.
The second time I tried to run away, Angel forced me to see a psychiatrist, but how could I tell her how my friends had died? From vampire attacks? Demonic possession? She'd put me in the nuthouse for sure. Angel told me that she wasn't a stranger to the paranormal and often counseled other victims of supernatural attacks. She suggested that I go back to Sunnydale and visit their grave sites to say goodbye and whatever else I might want to say, like "I'm sorry". She also prescribed stronger anti-depressants and they helped more than the last ones did. I still see her once a week and she says I'm making "real progress". I just want the pain to go away, but I know that killing myself won't help heal it, it will just cause more pain to Angel, Cordy, Wes and Gunn.
Angel accompanied me to Sunnydale to say goodbye to 'the Scoobies'. I visited and left flowers for each of them after telling their tombstones how sorry I was that I couldn't save them. When I got to Dawn's I began to hyperventilate and Angel had to pull me away. I slept most of the way back to LA but I later noticed that saying goodbye to them helped slightly.
~~ One month later ~~
I'm getting back to being more Buffy and less broody. Cordelia and I can stand being around each other for more than five minutes and Angel and I are getting along better...we're getting closer too. He hugs me all the time and it makes me feel so much better, like we're getting closer to a relationship. He often trains with me to keep my skills sharp and although Wesley and Gunn help me train too, I always feel like they're holding back because they don't want to hurt me. Angel knows what I can and can't handle and as much as I would have denied it two weeks ago, he really knows me, and knows what's best for me.
I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist weekly and the visits are scheduled to once a month. She suggested that I stop taking the anti-depressants to see how I feel. I must say I feel a lot better, but it still hurts. I know that it will always hurt but the heavy guilt feeling is mostly gone.
One night I overhead Cordelia talking about setting Angel up with one of her friends, Paula Something-Or-Other. Angel really didn't want to go but Cordelia insisted the he should go and get away from "Baby-Buffy" as she had called me. Paula showed up and Angel had no choice but to take her out. I was miserable the whole night. Cordy acted as if it was his choice to go out with this girl. I don't know why she said that, probably just to make me feel insignificant. Well it worked. I stayed in my room the whole night reading in bed, well, trying to read. When Angel came home, I pretended to be asleep. He put my book away, turned off my light, and lay down beside me. I could smell her perfume on him and tried my best not to cry.
The next day I acted indifferent toward Angel. I was friendly, but not girlfriendly. He noticed immediately, I guess it was when he hugged me from behind in the morning and I didn't respond like I usually do, which is turning around to face him and hug him back, maybe even a quick kiss. Throughout the day I was torn between asking him how his date went and avoiding eye contact altogether. That night he asked me what was wrong. I brushed it off with a quick 'nothing' but he didn't believe me. Angel knew what I was thinking and he reassured me that he wasn't interested in Paula whatsoever but she thought differently and tried to kiss him. Of course he wouldn't let her. He told me that he wanted to wait for me to get better. That I was all he wanted. I kissed him deeply and he returned it with just as much hunger as mine. It was our first truly intimate contact in over a month.
We've been taking it slowly even though I'm a whole lot better than I was. Now that I no longer need medication, I need Angel, Cordy, Gunn, and Wes more. They're my co-workers, friends, and family. I still miss the Scoobies, but I know that they're happy that I'm able to get on with my life, wherever they are.
Finished: April 7, 2001
~~ Is This The End? ~~
Wesley, Gunn, Cordelia, and Angel have helped me a lot in the past two weeks...especially Angel. He encourages me to talk to him about anything and everything because he's scared that I'll do something to hurt myself again. I sleep in a room adjacent to his with an adjoining door, which he leaves open all the time because one night I was in the bath when he came to talk to me and had to wrestle a hairdryer out of my hands. He left the bathroom with the appliance and lay on his bed.
After a few minutes, I went out to talk to him but he was extremely quiet so I just lay down with my back against his chest. I told him I was sorry and he wrapped his arms around me until I fell asleep. The next day I promised Angel, and myself, that I couldn't let it go that far ever again. Not because I knew suicide was wrong, but because I didn't want to hurt him. Each night following that one he stayed with me until I fell asleep, sometimes waking up beside him. Knowing he hadn't left me was the best feeling in the world.
Angel acted different around me and I felt like a child around him. He was always asking what I was thinking if I wasn't talking. Whenever we entered a room, he'd look around as if to check if it was safeguarded.
I tried to leave a couple times because I felt like I was a burden in Angel's life. Whenever I tried to get close to him physically, he would tell me I wasn't ready for it yet. But I really think that he wasn't ready to deal with me yet. When I'd finally had enough of his rejections, I packed up a suitcase and started walking to the bus station with what was left in my bank account. He found me a couple blocks down the street and took me back to the hotel. Again he was completely silent. I explained to him that he didn't need to look after me like I was a child. I had to deal with my own problems. He remained quiet until we got home, then asked Cordelia and Wesley to keep an eye on me while he went to his room for a while. I explained to Wes and Cordy that that was why I ran away in the first place. I caused them too much pain.
The second time I tried to run away, Angel forced me to see a psychiatrist, but how could I tell her how my friends had died? From vampire attacks? Demonic possession? She'd put me in the nuthouse for sure. Angel told me that she wasn't a stranger to the paranormal and often counseled other victims of supernatural attacks. She suggested that I go back to Sunnydale and visit their grave sites to say goodbye and whatever else I might want to say, like "I'm sorry". She also prescribed stronger anti-depressants and they helped more than the last ones did. I still see her once a week and she says I'm making "real progress". I just want the pain to go away, but I know that killing myself won't help heal it, it will just cause more pain to Angel, Cordy, Wes and Gunn.
Angel accompanied me to Sunnydale to say goodbye to 'the Scoobies'. I visited and left flowers for each of them after telling their tombstones how sorry I was that I couldn't save them. When I got to Dawn's I began to hyperventilate and Angel had to pull me away. I slept most of the way back to LA but I later noticed that saying goodbye to them helped slightly.
~~ One month later ~~
I'm getting back to being more Buffy and less broody. Cordelia and I can stand being around each other for more than five minutes and Angel and I are getting along better...we're getting closer too. He hugs me all the time and it makes me feel so much better, like we're getting closer to a relationship. He often trains with me to keep my skills sharp and although Wesley and Gunn help me train too, I always feel like they're holding back because they don't want to hurt me. Angel knows what I can and can't handle and as much as I would have denied it two weeks ago, he really knows me, and knows what's best for me.
I've stopped seeing my psychiatrist weekly and the visits are scheduled to once a month. She suggested that I stop taking the anti-depressants to see how I feel. I must say I feel a lot better, but it still hurts. I know that it will always hurt but the heavy guilt feeling is mostly gone.
One night I overhead Cordelia talking about setting Angel up with one of her friends, Paula Something-Or-Other. Angel really didn't want to go but Cordelia insisted the he should go and get away from "Baby-Buffy" as she had called me. Paula showed up and Angel had no choice but to take her out. I was miserable the whole night. Cordy acted as if it was his choice to go out with this girl. I don't know why she said that, probably just to make me feel insignificant. Well it worked. I stayed in my room the whole night reading in bed, well, trying to read. When Angel came home, I pretended to be asleep. He put my book away, turned off my light, and lay down beside me. I could smell her perfume on him and tried my best not to cry.
The next day I acted indifferent toward Angel. I was friendly, but not girlfriendly. He noticed immediately, I guess it was when he hugged me from behind in the morning and I didn't respond like I usually do, which is turning around to face him and hug him back, maybe even a quick kiss. Throughout the day I was torn between asking him how his date went and avoiding eye contact altogether. That night he asked me what was wrong. I brushed it off with a quick 'nothing' but he didn't believe me. Angel knew what I was thinking and he reassured me that he wasn't interested in Paula whatsoever but she thought differently and tried to kiss him. Of course he wouldn't let her. He told me that he wanted to wait for me to get better. That I was all he wanted. I kissed him deeply and he returned it with just as much hunger as mine. It was our first truly intimate contact in over a month.
We've been taking it slowly even though I'm a whole lot better than I was. Now that I no longer need medication, I need Angel, Cordy, Gunn, and Wes more. They're my co-workers, friends, and family. I still miss the Scoobies, but I know that they're happy that I'm able to get on with my life, wherever they are.