Incoherent Thoughts
Tangled Mind of Kouen
The wind
rustles leaves over my shiny black boots as I'm sitting on a picnic bench, my
thin-framed body on the table itself. For a few brief seconds I will be on my own, yet even on my own I am
silent.
I lift my
eyes from the leaves and my boots to meet Raijin's dark face. Raijin is my compliment. Light verses dark. Wise verses naïve. Muscular verses thin. Talkative
verses quiet. Thunder verses wind.
Raijin is
also verses my voice; the thunder that fills the silence of the wind. He grins a stupid looking half-smile at
me. A smile that suits him quite
well. He is still watching me curiously,
in my rare moment of solitude, so I lift my pale, white fingers as a form of
salutation… a silent one.
"Seifer's waiting, Fujin, ya know," he
nods, and I'm nodding with him out of instinct. "He's impatient, ya know, so we should go meet him for lunch, ya
know." We nod again.
"FOLLOWING!" My voice is loud and cracks, as if I'm deaf and cannot hear to
control my own broken speech. I hate
this aspect.
Raijin leads me to the cafeteria where
Seifer, our fearless leader, is waiting with growing annoyance. But even when he is angry he has an heir of
confidence about him…a confidence that is slightly contagious. I smile lightly, sure that my pigment-lacking
lips do no justice for my all ready lacking in appearance face. Seifer doesn't smile back. I don't think he notices that I'm smiling in
the first place. I stop smiling.
"Fujin's treating lunch, ya know?" Raijin
says to Seifer. I kick him hard in his
shin.
"INCORRECT!" My loud, scratchy, ugly
voice escapes from my throat again. Seifer laughs. I'm not laughing
with him, but I am smiling secretly, inside, as Raijin hops around on one foot
like a fish out of water.
We are eating lunch, but I only pick
at my hot dog. Today my thoughts are
wandering. I am thinking about my life,
and wondering if I am happy as I am now… I'm really not sure.
I have always been a lonely girl. Making friends was a difficult task
indeed. I stick by Raijin and Seifer
because they accept me how I am; a pale-faced, crimson-eyed, frog-voiced, eye
patch-wearing, ugly girl, yet they treat me like a…friend.
I am staring at Seifer and he glares
back. I drop my eyes to the play of now
picked at food. I stand. "LEAVING!" I shout, despising my words and
cringing at the sound of it. Neither
Seifer or Raijin says anything, so I walk briskly out into the round entry
hall, sprinting to the dormitory wing.
When I get to the outer halls, I break
into a full-fledged run. I'm going
against a very strong wind, and feel very foolish, but no one is watching
anyway, and if they were, they wouldn't pay a care.
In my room, I throw myself face first
onto my bed, laying alone, clutching my pillow for what little comfort it
offers. Silly things are crawling
around in my head, and they're bothering me. I'm feeling rather stupid and worthless, finding a single tear seeping
out of my eye, onto the soft of my pillow.
I am a lonely girl.
I force myself to stand. I don't know how long I lay there; letting
those pointless thoughts devour the minutes…hours? I feel like I weigh a few tons as I drag myself to the mirror in
the bathroom…but I know what I'll see.
Pale skin, like paper.
Stringy hair, like wet noodles.
I pull my eye patch off of my
sensitive eye and peer into the blood-colored spheres. Venomous. No wonder no one looks into them. Who would?
I am ugly.
"UGLY!" I scream at the lonely image
of myself. "UGLY!" My face is hot, my eyes burning. There is no one here to see me cry, so I am
indulging. "UGLY!" I'm screeching. My lungs are getting sore. "UGLY! UGLY!" I wince a moment with my eyes closed, then
open them as I begin yelling just one more time. "UGL—" I stop, mid-word,
realizing that my reflection is no longer a solitude image in the reflecting
glass.
He looks
somehow concerned, and his black-gloved hand closes over my shoulder, spinning
me slowly to face him. This is the side
of him no one but me will ever see. He
grins, lopsided, cocking one eyebrow, then brushes my tears away.
"Your screaming like that is fit to
wake the dead. Don't be stupid," he's
telling me, tucking my hair behind my ears, and meeting my gaze, his dark eyes
locked on mine. "You're not ugly,
you're a goddess."
I blink, unbelieving of his
words. I gulp, but it doesn't ease the
lump in my throat. "Go…Goddess?" My voice, for once, is not so loud, though
it cracks anyway.
He smacks me playfully on the
cheek. "Of course. A Wind Goddess: quiet, thoughtful," he is
complimenting me, something he never does. "But with an occasional roar." He winks, very unlike himself. "And the wind… is the most beautiful element of all."
I want to
throw my arms around him, but I'm restraining myself. I'm smiling through my tears with gratitude.
"THANKS…SEIFER!" It sounds harsh coming from my mouth, but he
understands, as he always has. "WHY?"
He nods, and smiles broadly, putting
my eye patch in his pocket. He turns
and is spinning me by my shoulders to face the door. "Friends," he sums it up in one simple word. He is, and always has been, my friend.
Seifer leads me back to Raijin
quickly, who grins his stupid Raijin grin. People are staring, as usual, but I am ignoring them. I don't need them. I need to be no one other than myself, because I have two friends
who accept me for what I am and want to be. I am beautiful in my own ways. I
am a goddess.
{FINNISH!}
Authoress's Note: This story centers around Fujin, a little focused on character in Final Fantasy VIII. In order to understand the true essence of my story, one must understand the meaning of Fujin's name. Fuu, the first part, is the elemental Japanese word for win. The suffix, -jin, means royalty, or god/goddess. Together, Fujin's name would mean "Wind Goddess." Raijin's name, on the other hand, means "Thunder God." Another point mentioned in the story is the fact that Fujin is an Albino, hence her pale features and red eyes. I hope you liked this story, and I hope you will let me know what you think of it.