Disclaimer: They're not mine. (Hmm...nice, but once more with feeling.) They're not mine!!!!! (Getting better, but I'm still not feeling it.) Oh sweet Jesus...they're not mine!!!! (Nice...perfect. Very believable.)
Author's Notes: No idea where this story came from. I think I had a dream...maybe. I don't know. I don't make any apologies for this fic...neither do I make any promises.
Dedication: To procrastination. The lost artform.
****
We All Fall Down
by Kristen Elizabeth
****
Why?
She often wondered this. Why? Why was she the way she was, both in her professional life and her personal? Why did she put up with this? This man, in particular? Why did she let him do what he was doing to her?
Why did she love it too much to stop?
High above her, almost too high to really be connected, he closed his eyes and thrust for a final time, filling her with everything he had. Everything but what she most wanted. His love.
Heero Yuy collapsed onto Relena Peacecraft with a sigh of repletion. Her own pleasure already sated, Relena wrapped an arm around his damp shoulder and held him to her body. These were the moments that made it all worthwhile. The times when he wasn't trying to control her or run away from her. The times when all he could do was lay his cheek on her breast and catch his breath.
These were the moments that made Heero Yuy human.
But, as always, the moment quickly passed. Lifting himself onto his elbows, Heero looked down at the Vice Foriegn Minister. He didn't say anything, only continued to stare at her as if he weren't entirely sure how he had come to be there. In her bed, between her silk sheets, joined so very intimately with her body.
Taking a chance, but instinctively knowing it would do no good, Relena reached her hand up to touch his flushed cheek. "Thank you", she whispered. He blinked, but said nothing. "Stay with me?"
He did not reply until he had pulled out of her body. "I need to go."
It was a lie and she could see right through it. He did not truly *need* to leave her bed. He just wanted to. She turned her head to the side; he would not get the satisifaction of seeing her tears. "Go then."
Heero dressed quickly, barely glancing back at the exquisitely naked woman in the four poster bed as he pulled on his clothes. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair and started for the door. "Duo is on duty tonight. Call him if you need anything." She did not reply. It did not bother him. He left, silently closing the door behind himself.
A long while after he had gone, Relena sat up in bed. The sheets were sticky with their combined passion; she kicked the covers off and stood up. Moonlight poured into the room, bathing her body with soft white light.
Her used body.
She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror on her dressing table. Tousled golden hair hung down to her arms, spilling over onto her creamy breasts, still sore from his rough touch. Had he noticed how they had changed? If he had, he had said nothing. She looked lower, to the pale skin over her abdomen. How could he not have seen its roundness? Seen how she was now curved in a place where she had once been flat?
Why didn't he know her body well enough to know when it changed?
Five months had passed since the night he came to her, drunk on Duo's Jack Daniels and his own repressed lust. Five months since she let him be the first man to possess her body. It was only right since he was the only man who had ever possessed her heart and soul. The body, she figured, was just part of the package deal.
Somewhere in that first month of late night, clandestine meetings that not even her other bodyguards or her older brother knew about, they had created a new life. She marveled at that, all the while lamenting after the fact. What right did he have to fill her up and still leave her so very empty? She pitied their child who would be born into the world with only half the love it deserved.
Underneath her hand, she could feel motion, as though the child was demanding her attention already. Or mabye just protesting her thoughts towards it. A tiny spark of warmth flared up in Relena's heart as the baby kicked. Was it love? Of course...how could she not love the baby inside her body?
Giving her belly a final pat, she returned the bed and wrapped herself up in the sheets that still bore the scent of their lovemaking. Lovemaking. Didn't that imply that there was love involved? Love from both parties? Her fingers found the place where his child grew once again.
He had to know. She had to tell him. Didn't he have the right to know? Even if he could not bring himself to love her, could he at least love his own flesh and blood? Or would he see it as nothing more than a desperate attempt on her part to snare him, unwillingly, into a relationship?
"You're the link in the chain", she whispered to their child. "You can either make us stronger or weaker. Whatever happens though..." Relena closed her eyes. "He'll protect you. That's the only thing he knows how to do."
****
"Okay, princess. Here's how it's gonna go down." Duo Maxwell squinted at the stapled pages in his hand, lifting them into the early morning light that streamed into Relena's sitting room. "At nine, you've got to meet with the oil guys from Arabia. They claim that one of the outer colonies is overcharging their gas, but they're not seeing any of the profits."
Relena glanced up from her breakfast of weak tea and toast. "I thought Quatre agreed to talk to them. I know nothing about oil."
Duo shrugged his shoulders. "He didn't say anything about it. Want me to give him a ring?"
"No", she replied. "It's still night on his colony. I don't want to wake him up." The toast on her breakfast tray was slowly sending her stomach into a downward spiral. She pushed it away from her and took a tiny sip of tea to calm her stomach.
"All righty then..." Duo helped himself to her abandoned breakfast. "At eleven, you've got lunch with the Minister of..." He held the toast between his teeth and flipped through the day's schedule. "...something or other. Minor Traffic Violations...I don't know. Your secretary forgot to write it down."
She wearily rubbed her temple. "If I don't know who I'm having lunch with, how am I supposed to prepare?"
He caught the exhaustion in her tone and swallowed the last of her toast. "I'll find out before then, princess", he assured her. "Don't worry about it."
Relena managed a grateful smile. "Thank you."
"After lunch, you've got that press conference about the upcoming elections." He formed his face into a mask of exaggerated sorrow. "I'm so sorry I'm going to miss that. But Hilde wants to lock me in a room and have sex!" He shook his head, sadly; his braid swung back and forth. "I keep telling her...politics *before* sex, but does she listen to my needs? No."
She had to laugh. "It's good that she could come to Earth for a few days. But, I guess I'll just have to have fun for the both of us at the conference." Her smile fell. "Duo, if you're not going to be at the press conference, who is? Trowa's on L4 with Quatre and Wufei's on assignment in Prague and my brother is on vacation with Lucy....and I just answered my own question, didn't I?"
Duo nodded. "Heero's already at the press hall, getting ready. He'll pick you up from the restaurant."
Her stomach turned. "Excuse me." Without an explaination, she ran for her bathroom.
****
Lunch with the Minister of Enviromental Safety proceeded in much the same way. After explaining to the Minister about a strange 24-hour stomach flu she had contracted, Relena spent much of the lunch meeting in the ladies room.
"What are you doing to me?", she whispered to the baby. "How am I supposed to take care of you if I can't even feed myself?"
Finally, after her fourth trip the bathroom, the Minister gave up and suggested that they end the meeting early. Relena agreed with no hesitation. She could already see her limousine just outside the restaurant. Heero was leaning against the back door, dressed in a blue suit. The suit's coat was open; his holster was in plain view, a semi-automatic weapon suspended in the leather. Relena knew, from having him as one of her bodyguards for three years, that he had a knife in his pants pocket and another, smaller gun in his coat pocket.
He stood up straight as she appeared in the restaurant's door. She was formally attired in a business dress suit made of soft charcoal wool. Her dark blonde hair was pulled away from her face and wrapped around the base of her neck in a braided knot. She wore minimal makeup and there were dark circles under her eyes. Any other man might have been concerned. Heero Yuy didn't even seem to notice.
"You're out early", he commented, holding the door open for her, out of a sense of duty rather than politeness.
"I wasn't very hungry", she replied, sliding into the limo. Heero followed her in, taking a seat opposite from hers. He signaled to the driver and they were off.
They were quiet for several achingly long minutes. Relena bit her lip as their baby kicked happily in her belly while its father sat, unaware of its existence, staring out the window as the countryside rolled by. Finally, Relena could take the silence no more. "Heero...", she began.
"The conference hall is safe", Heero interrupted. "I checked it out this morning."
She nodded and tried not to cry. "I know. Duo told me." Filling her lungs with air, she tried again. "Heero, I need to tell you..."
Heero fixed his bottomless blue stare onto her. "Tell me later, Relena. You've got other things to think about right now."
Pressing any further would only make him angry. Any other time, Relena would not have cared and chosen his anger over his continued ignorance about the secret that was going to change their lives. But on that particular day, she was just too tired, too nauseated, and too upset to fight with him. They sat in silence for the rest of the trip to the press hall.
Reporters and photographers were already gathered around the hall in the dozens, each of them clamoring for the latest scoop about the second Earth-Space Alliance Presidential elections. Would the current President be running again? Was Relena Peacecraft finally going to announce that she was running for the high political office?
The limo pulled around to the back entrance of the hall, far away from the reporters' reach. Heero got out first and thoroughly scanned the area for possible threats before motioning to Relena to follow. Once inside the building, Relena located a fountain and took a long, soothing drink of water. It was the only thing her stomach seemed to want.
Heero approached her as she straightened up and licked a bit of liquid from her upper lip. The sight of her pink tongue running over her lip momentarily distracted him. Scowling, he thrust the notecards her speech was written on into her hands. "Here. You left them on your desk."
As she took the cards from her, their fingers touched. Unwilling to pull back, Relena let her hand stay there, enjoying the brief bit of physical contact. Heero looked down at their hands and then back at her. She stared into his eyes. Neither the time nor the place were ideal, but it was right then or never. "Heero", she said quietly. "I'm pregnant."
"Ms. Peacecraft..." An aide appeared from the general direction of the stage. "They're ready for you."
"Thank you", she called back to the girl. Looking back at Heero's shell-shocked expression, she smiled sadly. "We'll talk later." Before he could say anything, she followed the direction the aide had taken, leaving Heero behind in the dark.
****
"...and so, in conclusion, may I just say thank you for your support and I hope that you will allow me to continue to serve you...as your President."
There was a brief round of clapping before the questions began.
"Vice Foreign Minister...do you expect to win the election?"
Relena looked at the reporter. "I expect the people to choose the best person to lead them. I can only hope that I'm what they're looking for in a leader." Another hand shot up. "Yes?"
"Ms. Peacecraft, does your decision to run for President have anything to do with having been the Vice Foriegn Minister for nearly five years? Are you tired of playing second fiddle? Looking for more power?"
"My motivations are as close to altruistic as anything of the sort can be. Of course, yes...I'd like to take a more active role in high politics. But am I greedy? I don't think that's a fair question." She pointed to a man in the back. "Your question, sir?"
The reporter paused before beginning. Because of the lights and the flashes from a dozen different cameras, Relena had to strain to see him and even then she couldn't see very well. "Vice Foreign Minister..." The man took a step forwards. "Do you expect any opposition to your running for President?"
Relena frowned. "Well...it would be naive of me to say that absolutely everyone will be happy by my platform. But no...I don't expect too much upheaval. It's not as though I've won anything yet."
She was about to call on the next question when she saw the glint of metal in the shadowed man's hand. Her heart lept into her throat. Instinctively, she searched for Heero out of the corner of her eye. He would spot the man. He would run forward and tackle the man before he could use the gun he was pulling from his jacket. But for the first time in a very long time, Heero wasn't there.
Her hero wasn't there.
The world was in slow motion. Relena watched it all happening as though she were a bystander. The gun...pulled from a pocket, aimed at her...fired. The other reporters scurried, but Relena could not move. Frozen with fear and still expecting to be shoved out of the way at any moment, she stood at the microphone, staring down the barrel of the assassin's gun.
The first bullet caught her in the shoulder, passing clean through her body and exploding out the back of her grey wool suit. She felt her entire right side jerk back under the force of the blast. The second shot landed in her abdomen, lodging somewhere inside. There were screams; Relena was barely aware of them as her body began to slip to the stage. She landed with little more than a thump. Blinking, she stared up at the ceiling of the press hall. There was a strange warmth covering her; she touched her belly and brought her hand up to where she could see it. It was stained, like the summer afternoon her adoptive parents had taken her to a cherry orchard and let her pick and eat the fruit all afternoon. Wet crimson dripping from her fingers. She lowered her hand back to her side.
There was suddenly a face over hers. Was it his? No...it was the aide. The girl was crying, shaking Relena's shoulders. She closed her eyes, wishing the girl would just stop and leave her alone. Another face joined the girl's high above her head. A young man...he looked like Heero. But it couldn't be Heero; this man seemed to care about her. His lips mouthed her name over and over, but Relena did not hear anything. Her eyelids were becoming heavier by the second. With her last bit of energy, Relena forced out a sentence before she slipped into the blissful black of unconciousness.
"Please help my baby..."
****
"What have we got?"
"Female, 22 years old, GSW to the right shoulder and lower abdomen...BP 70 over 100...two liters of O-neg in the field. She crashed en route and we intubated." The EMS paused. "It's possible she's pregnant."
The doctor stared back at him. "Do you know who this is?"
"Yeah. I do."
"All right. On my count...one, two, three." The doctor began throwing orders. "Type and cross four liters, call for a surgical consult and give OB a ring, too. Just in case." The doctor looked down at the bleeding, broken body of the Vice Foreign Minister. "Come on people...we can't lose this woman."
****
"Where is she? Where's my sister??"
Duo lifted his head and blinked several times. After staring at the stark white of the hospital floor, it should have been a relief to see some color. But the pain, fear and anger in the crystal blue eyes of Millardo Peacecraft was the last color he wanted to see at that moment. "She's in surgery", he replied, numbly. "They took her in just as I got here...two hours ago."
Millardo ran a hand down his face. "We came back as soon as we heard." He looked at his wife, Lucrezia Noin. "What the hell happened, Duo?"
"I..." Duo chewed on his lip. "I wish I could tell you. I only know that she was shot during the press conference." He looked back down at the floor, guilt flooding his violet eyes. "I wasn't there. Fuck!! I wasn't there..." His fingers plunged into his thick bangs.
"Heero." Noin looked around. "What about Heero? Did he get hurt?"
Duo raised his eyes again. The overwhelming guilt had been replaced with the beginning strains of hatred. "He was there. He didn't stop it."
"Where is he now?", Millardo asked dangerously calm.
"Got me." Duo shook his braided hair. "Your guess is as good as..."
"I'm right here."
Three heads swung around to see Heero Yuy standing in the hospital hallway. His blue pants and white shirt were stained with the unmistakable marks of blood. His eyes, normally sullen and detached, were empty and lifeless. Duo looked at him and then back at Relena's brother, silently making a bet with himself as to how long it would take the older man to attack the perfect soldier.
To his surprise, Millardo ignored Heero altogether. "Did they say how long the surgery would take?"
Duo shrugged. "They were really vague....mumbling medical jargon. I didn't catch much of it. God...you should have seen her...." He thought for a second. "No, you probably shouldn't have."
"I did", Heero said.
"Yes, we know", Duo snapped. "Watched the whole damn thing, didn't you?"
"There wasn't anything I could do", the Japanese man replied.
A scowl descended onto Duo's normally cheerful face. "Like hell there wasn't anything you could...."
"Stop", Millardo called for silence. "The damage has already been done." He looked at Heero for the first time. "Did you get the shooter?"
Heero's expression was blank. "Between the eyes."
"Good." Relena's brother sat down; his wife took a seat next to him. Only Heero remained standing, his arms folded over Relena's bloodstains. There was silence until a surgical scrub-clad doctor appeared from the swinging doors.
"Are you all here for Relena Peacecraft?", the man asked.
Millardo shot to his feet. "Yes. Please...how is my sister?"
The doctor sighed. "She lost a lot of blood. The bullet wound to her shoulder wasn't a problem to fix. But the one to her abdomen..." He paused. "Were you aware that your sister was pregnant?"
A long moment passed. "No", Millardo finally replied. "I wasn't."
Duo blinked and tried to lift his fallen jaw. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Heero standing very quietly. Most importantly, he could see the lack of shock in his friend's demeanor. "Wait..." He blinked. "*Was* pregnant?"
"Yes." The doctor cleared his throat. "The bullet passed straight through the fetus. There wasn't anything we could do for it. Once we removed her uterus, we didn't have any further complications..."
Noin gripped onto Millardo's arm. "You took out her...?"
"It was the only way to save her life."
Millardo spoke quietly. "When can we see her?"
"Soon." The doctor rubbed his forehead wearily. "She'll be moved from recovery into the ICU. But only family members are allowed in there, I'm afraid." He put a hand on Millardo's shoulder. "Your sister is very lucky. If her shoulder wound had been a few inches over, she would have died instantly." With that, the doctor left them.
Duo made a face. "What kind of bedside manner is that?" His words went ignored.
Millardo looked at Heero. "How long have you been fucking my little sister?"
"Zechs..." Noin took his hand. "Don't do this..."
"Five months", Duo answered for his friend. Heero stared at him blankly. "C'mon...you two didn't think you were fooling us, did you?"
A blush rose on Millardo's cheeks. But then, Duo thought, it might have just been anger. "And how long have you known she was pregnant?"
Heero saw no reason to lie. "I found out today."
"Why wasn't there heavier security around her? She could have been wearing something bullet proof..." He gripped onto Noin's hand. "How come you didn't protect Relena?"
They were all waiting for his answer. Heero calmly placed his hands in his pockets. "I did my job to the best of my abilities, but there were unforseen factors that hindered my mission."
"One of those unforseen factors wouldn't happen to have been a baby, would it?", Duo suggested quietly.
Millardo glared at both men. "If you really had done your job in the best way possible, Relena would not be here."
Heero shrugged. "*I* never said I was perfect."
****
She floated in a world beside the one we know. There, in the warm light, she felt...for the first time since her father's death...completely safe. Not even Heero's arms provided the sort of comfort she felt in the light. Closing her eyes, she spun like a little girl in a new dress. She could be happy here. Nothing and no one would hurt her. Forever.
"Momma."
She turned to see a child standing with her in the light. Clad all in white, the child had piercing blue eyes and soft, honey colored hair. "Momma...", the little girl repeated. "Can you see me, Momma?"
"I can see you..." She smiled. "You're so beautiful..."
"I'm sorry, Momma. I couldn't stay with you."
She nodded. "I know...but I can stay with you. I can take care of you right here!"
The little girl shook her blond curls. "You can't, Momma. You're not supposed to stay with me."
"But..." She started to cry. "I love you...and I need you! Please...let me stay...."
"Daddy would be very sad, Momma."
It was her turn to shake her head. "No....no, he wouldn't..."
The girl was stoic. "Daddy would be sad."
"He didn't even try...", she sobbed. "He didn't even try to save you."
"He wasn't supposed to. I'm supposed to be here."
She buried her face in her hands. "He was supposed to protect us..."
"You have to go, Momma."
"I have to go..."
"Don't be mad at Daddy."
"I won't be mad at Daddy...."
****
Relena opened her eyes slowly. All she saw was white. But unlike the white of the light, this white was cold and medicinal. She blinked.
"Relena."
Her head turned to the side. Next to her, seated in a chair, was the man who hadn't been able to save her. She blinked again and tried to speak. There was something in her throat keeping her from being able to talk to him. Panicking, she fought against the tube, but there wasn't anything she could do about it.
"Calm down", Heero said. "That thing is helping you breathe."
Relena wriggled her fingers, beckoning for his touch. **Please...take my hand and tell me everything is going to be all right...** Awkwardly, Heero's hand descended onto hers.
"Noin made your brother go home to sleep. They'll be back." Her fingers were so cold under his.
She had so many questions, but she could only ask them with the clear blue of her eyes. **What happened to our baby? Why didn't you stop this?**
He stared into those eyes as though he could actually hear her thoughts. It had always been thus, the connection they had. It was only lately that it had been reduced to merely a physical connection. Relena tried to smile around the tube in her mouth. "I'm not supposed to be here", he confided in her.
**Then why are you?**
"But I had to talk to you." The pad of his index finger ran along the back of hers, warming the flesh. "Before I left."
Relena's already pale expression became deathly white. She struggled to sit up, but the pain was too great. With a muffled cry, she fell back against the pillow. **Please tell me you're only joking.** Her eyes pleaded with him; she slowly shook her head on the pillow. **You can't leave me...not like this.**
"I'm going because..." He lowered his gaze. "I'm scared of myself." If not for the respirator, Relena would not have breathed, waiting for him to go on. "I wanted the baby to die. Maybe that's why I stayed backstage during your speech. And when I heard the shots...." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I destroyed our baby. If I stay, I'll wind up destroying you, too."
Tears coursed from the corners of Relena's eyes. She was helpless, unable to shut down to avoid hearing his words. All she could do was lie there and watch him tear her entire world apart. In the past, she had always been able to talk him down from the dark places his soul took him to. But in the moment when he needed her words the most, she could not speak. **Heero...please...**
"I never tried to love you, Relena. But I hurt you and for that I will always be sorry." He stood up, but did not move his hand from her. The human contact was overwhelming. "I don't want you to forgive me for leaving you like this." He shook his head. "I can deal with your hate. I just don't know what to do about your love."
He was leaving her. He was getting ready to walk out the door and leave her behind in the hospital bed his own mixed emotions and mistakes had put her in. **No...no...no...no...no...no...** She grabbed his hand with all the strength she had left. **I love you.** Her eyes cried for him.
"You're going to be much better from now on." Heero pulled his hand out of her grasp. "I'm not going to hurt you anymore." Without thinking about the possible rammifications, Heero bent over and kissed her forehead. "Goodbye, Relena."
The hospital room was quiet, but inside Relena's mind, all she could hear was herself screaming.
****
"Okay, Relena...I've got your arm. Take little baby steps...that's not a baby step, princess."
Relena had no energy to argue with Duo. "I'm sorry."
Duo instantly felt bad. "Aww, princess...don't be sorry. I'm not trying to scold you. I just don't want you to pull any of those stitches."
His concern was endearing, but Relena couldn't even bring herself to smile. "I'm fine, Duo. I just want to get into my own bed."
"Well..." Duo scratched the top of his head. They were still on the front driveway of the Peacecraft Manor. Relena's bedroom seemed a million miles away...and she was in such obvious pain. "Here." Before she could protest, he gently scooped her up into his arms.
Relena let him carry her like a baby into the Manor and up two flights of stairs to her room. Once inside, he carefully set her on the bed. "I'm going to go get the rest of your stuff, princess. I'll be right back." As soon as he was gone, Relena let out a little sigh. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate Duo's efforts...or the efforts of her brother and sister in law. But after a month in the hospital, constantly surrounded by doctors, nurses and well-wishers, Relena just wanted to be left alone. Left alone to her misery.
The bed had long since been made since the last time she was in it. The last time he was in it with her, making love to her body, still filled with their child. And now, she was sitting on a freshly made bed that carried no scent of him, empty and alone. With two bullets, she had lost her baby and the love of her life.
She wasn't sure how long she lay there, but all too soon, Duo returned with her single bag of clothing. He set it down next to her dresser and looked around awkwardly. "So...how you feeling, princess?"
Relena closed her eyes. "I'm very tired, Duo." The instant the words left her mouth, she felt bad. Duo was a true friend. He only wanted to help.
"I understand. I'll go."
His hand was on the doorknob. "Wait." Relena gingerly sat up, ignoring the shooting pain in her shoulder and abdomen. "I'm sorry. Please...stay and talk to me." Her eyes were wet. "I haven't talked to anyone...in so long."
Duo lowered himself onto the plush seat of her dressing table. "All right. What do you want to talk about, princess?"
She thought for a moment. "Tell me about you and Hilde." Trying for her old, friendly tone, she continued. "Do I get to be a bridesmaid one of these days?"
The grin on Duo's face was the brightest thing she had seen in a very long time. "I have the ring. I just don't know how to ask her..." For a moment, he almost looked child-like in his hesitation. "You're a girl....tell me how you'd like to be proposed to."
Relena caught her breath. "Well...I haven't ever...thought about it..." A boldfaced lie. One of her favorite daydreams from age fifteen had been of Heero asking her to marry him. "But I suppose it's not really how you do it...but how much feeling you put behind it."
Duo pondered this for a second. "I see what you're saying!", he finally declared. "Anyone ever tell you that you're pretty smart, princess?"
"Not for awhile."
He bit his lip at hearing the melancholy in her voice. "Relena...you can talk to me, too, you know." He paused. "About anything. Or anyone."
She raised her good shoulder in feigned indifference. "There's nothing to talk about. He left and life goes on."
Duo played with a string hanging off his black shirt. "What about the baby?"
"You know..." Relena wiped under her eyes. "You're the first person to ask me about the baby. Everyone's sort of avoided the topic...like it was something bad that needs to be forgotten." She shook her head. "Nothing was wrong about my baby. Right?"
He reached for her hand. "'Course not."
Relena swallowed. "I just wish I could have..." She stopped herself. "But there will be other babies. I'm still young."
Duo released her hand. "Um...princess...?"
"Yes?"
Staring into her blue eyes, Duo suddenly realized something. She had no idea what had been done to her body. No one...no doctor, no counselor, not even her brother...had told her she could never have children. His fist balled up. "Nothing. Just me...talking." He gave her a horribly sad smile and did the one thing he had said he would never do.
Duo Maxwell lied.
"There will be other babies."
****
"You didn't tell her??!! How could you not tell her??!!"
Millardo pinched the bridge of nose between his finger and thumb, wearily. "How I am supposed to tell her, Duo? Tell me....tell me how to tell her. Because I have no idea how to do it!"
Duo put his hands on the mahagony desk. "First of all....you shouldn't have kept it a secret. The minute you told her about the baby, you should have told her about the...other thing." He lifted one hand to begin counting on his fingers. "Secondly..." He paused. "Just tell her, damnit! I really believe that the only thing keeping her from completely breaking down is thinking that she can be a mother again someday. Maybe not with Heero's help....god forbid he do any small thing to ease her pain....but with someone."
"I know. You're not telling me anything I haven't told myself already. And I will." Millardo slumped further into his seat, utterly defeated. "I will tell her."
"Do it soon. Before she figures out on her own." Duo snorted. "She's not as naive as you and Heero like to think she is." Before the older man could react, he moved to the door. "I'm leaving for L2 in the morning. I'll be gone for a few days."
Relena's brother nodded. "See you then."
Duo pulled the door open. "Tell her. Or I will."
****
"Ever? She can't ever have children?" Hilde Schbeiker adjusted her cheek against Duo's bare chest. "That's...awful. Poor Relena."
Her braided lover nodded. "Yeah. The saddest thing is...she would've been a great mom." His arm tightened around Hilde's shoulders. "That stupid heartless..."
"Hey." She put her fingers against Duo's lips. "He's still your best friend."
"Is he? Why?" Duo spread his hands across her back. "It's not like I really know him all that well. I never, ever thought that he would do this to her. It's one thing to sleep with her in secret...quite another to get her pregnant, let the baby get killed and then leave her practically for dead."
"Duo..." Hilde played with the end of his braid. "Has anyone even stopped to think about what Heero must be going through?"
"Should anyone care?"
Her hand slapped him lightly. "It's far too easy to blame Heero for everything. But maybe...maybe it was just the way things were supposed to be. You really do place the burden of perfection onto him....and he never asked for it. He's human."
"He's a soldier."
"He's a man. If I told you, right now, that I was pregnant, what would you do?"
Duo blanched. "I...um...well..."
Hilde raised her shoulders. "The defense rests."
Laughing in defeat, Duo kissed the top of her head. "I adore you. You know that, right?"
"Hmm....I'll need to see some evidence, counselor."
She squealed as he rolled his body on top of hers. His lips found the right spot on her neck, the spot that made her turn into putty in his hands. "Exhibit A...."
****
It wasn't until three days later that Duo arrived back at the Peacecraft Manor. It was well past midnight; his shuttle had been held over on L1 later than expected. He let himself into the massive house with his Preventer-issued key. Silence hung all around him as he took his bag up to the guest room assigned to him when he was on duty. He glanced at Relena's door before he stepped into his room. He sincerely hoped Millardo had done as he promised. He was *not* looking forward to having to tell her she could never have the children she desperately wanted someday.
His room was dark. Duo closed the door behind him and set his bag down. He reached around behind his back and pulled at the rubber band that held his braid together. Expertly, his fingers worked the braid free. He was about halfway done when he heard her voice from the shadows.
"You lied to me."
Duo spun around; his loose hair flung around his hips. "Princess? What are you doing here?"
She stood up. In the moonlight, he could just make out the shiny track of a tear down her marble-like cheek. "You lied to me, Duo. You told me..." She choked. "You told me there would be other babies."
"Princess, I..."
"You knew the whole time, didn't you? You knew what they did to me...and you didn't tell me! You let me go on believing..."
Duo wanted to reach out to her, but forced his hands to lie at his sides. "They had to do it, princess. You would have bled to death..."
She was fully in the moon's light now. Her hair was dirty, like she hadn't washed it in a day or so. Her eyes were horrifically red from a thousand miserable tears. Her clothes hung limply on her body. "I'd rather be dead!!", she screamed. "Don't you get it?? I have nothing now!! I have nothing to look forward to!!" Her tears streamed down her face. "God....I'm all alone..."
His arms wrapped around her. She fought them, but he held on. She needed someone who wouldn't pull away. Who wouldn't give up on her. She needed a friend. "Princess...you're not alone. You're never alone...never." One hand stroked her hair.
"I am..." Her chest heaved with her sobs. "He left me...and I'm all alone." Her hands pressed against her belly. "I'm empty, Duo..."
"It's okay, princess." He rocked her ever so gently. "It's going to be okay. I promise."
But she had lost her faith in his word. "I'm empty", she repeated. Her chin lifted from his chest; she stared into his violet irises. "Fill me up, Duo."
"What?"
Her shaking fingers pulled at his shirt. "I don't want to be empty... Please, Duo..." The shirt opened and her cold hands ran up his chest. "Please...help me..."
"No...Relena..." He made a grab for her wrists. "You're very upset....and it's not me you need."
"I am so tired of everyone telling me what I need!" She wrenched out of his grip. "I need to feel alive, Duo..." Her dry lips pressed against his neck. "I need you to keep me from being empty..."
*Shit!* Duo's brain screamed as her hands slide down his chest and dipped into the front of his black pants. *What the hell are you doing, Maxwell?? Stop her...stop this right now!!*
"Relena!" Exerting more force, he pulled her hands out of his pants. "I can't do this. It would be wrong for more reasons than I can count." He touched the side of her cheek. "And you'd hate yourself in the morning. You'd hate me, too."
"No." Her voice was solemn; her stare deadly. "I only hate one person."
Duo shook his head. "Don't say that, princess....don't say that you hate..."
"Heero. I hate him." Her blue eyes flashed. "I hate him so much, Duo. He killed our baby...and he made me empty forever." Duo said nothing. There was nothing to say. "Please, Duo...." She pushed his belt through its strap. "Fill me up."
His brain continued to protest, but he was only human. Like Heero. She was so needy. Her fingers reached for him, circling his rapidly hardening flesh. Giving in, Duo grabbed her and buried his face in her unwashed hair. He was on autopilot, successfully detaching his mind from his body. He pulled at her clothes until she was naked in the moonlight. Her body was lovely, despite the marks it bore. Nearly healed stitches....a far from healed heart.
Did he think about Hilde as she undressed him? He had no idea. Did he think about Heero or Millardo? Did he think about anything besides the feeling of her icy fingers arousing his body beyond the point of no return? It didn't matter. Before he could stop himself, he was on top of her on his bed. His hair fell over her pale body as they moved in awkward unison.
Her release came hard and fast; she cried out for Heero. If his own body hadn't been in such a state, it would have broken his heart. His final thrust filled her, but not the way she wanted. It wasn't her body that was empty. Heero had taken her soul. Or maybe it had just died along with her baby. Either way, nothing he did could ever replace it. He looked down at her spent, sobbing figure and regret like he had never known before washed over him.
"I'm so sorry, princess...", he whispered. He pulled out and lay alongside her. "Please forgive me...."
She didn't hear him. Her body was full of Duo, just exactly as she had been sure she needed it to be in order to feel complete. Why then did she still feel so very alone?
It wasn't long until Duo, exhausted and guilt-racked, fell asleep. Relena stared at the ceiling and listened to the sound of his breathing. The few times Heero had let himself fall asleep in her arms, she had cherished hearing him breathe. It had lulled her into sleep like nothing else ever had. Duo's breathing was a reminder of what she had just done.
But she couldn't hate Duo. Hating others was not part of her nature. She wasn't even truthful when she said she hated Heero. The only person Relena Peacecraft hated was Relena Peacecraft.
Her legs were shaky, but she got up from the bed. Duo's bag sat on the floor where he had left it. She wasn't sure what she was looking for, but she knelt naked on the floor and rifled through his things. Clothes, wallet, ID tags, gun, a small, framed picture of Hilde...and finally, a dopp kit. She opened the little black bag. Shampoo, toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream....and an old fashioned razor.
Relena's hands trembled as she held the wicked looking blade. It would be so easy...a quick slice up each wrist. Minimal pain, certainly far less than her throbbing shoulder and abdomen. She could lie back on the floor and float into eternal bliss. She could be with her baby again.
She wasn't even aware of the blade piercing the soft flesh of her wrist. Her eyes closed as she brought the blade up a few inches through her skin, towards her elbow. She repeated the process on the other wrist. The razor fell to the carpet. Relena smiled and hugged her chest; blood flowed over her nipples. She waited for her release.
****
"...never, Sarah! I'll never leave you again! You are the love of my life....and the only woman I want to be the mother of my.... We take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you breaking news from Earth..."
Heero Yuy set his gun to the side and looked at the TV for the first time since he had turned it on. He hadn't really cared what program had been on; the background noise was all he had been searching for. After living around Duo and Relena for five years, he had grown accustomed to the sound of continual talking. As much as he didn't want to, he missed it. On the tiny screen, the L1 newsanchor cleared her throat and began to speak in a low, grim tone.
"Good afternoon. I'm Heather Bell with the latest, breaking news story from Earth. Vice Minister of Foriegn Affairs and Presidential hopeful Relena Peacecraft is back in the hospital today after an apparent suicide attempt. Only a month after the assasination attack that nearly took her life, the Vice Foreign Minister was found in the Peacecraft Manor early this morning by her Preventer bodyguard. We have recieved reports that both of her wrists had been slashed. She was rushed to the medical bay at Preventer Headquarters before being transferred to Haskins Regional Medical Center where she remains in critical, but stable condition."
He brought the back of one shaking hand up to his mouth.
"The Preventers did begin a formal investigation after recieving reports that the Vice Minister might have been sexually assaulted, but quickly closed the matter for unknown reasons, declaring the incident a suicide attempt. As more information becomes available to us, we will keep you updated. I'm Heather Bell for L1 News, returning you to programming already in session...." The anchor faded out and the soap opera resumed. "Do you understand me, Sarah? I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry I hurt you. Please, tell me what I can do to make it up to you."
He continued to stare at the TV set as his mind tried to process the overwhelming load of information.
"There's nothing you can do, Bill. You ruined everything." On the screen, Sarah opened the door to her apartment. "Get out. Please get out of my life. It's over. It's all over."
Heero turned the TV off with numb fingers. His world was frozen in time and space. And he was helpless to do anything about, isolated as he was from everyone and everything.
For the first time in his life, Heero wanted to cry.
But two decades of tears did not come. Instead, he did the only thing his instincts told him he could do. Gather more information before deciding on a course of action. He went for his communicator, punching in a number from memory.
He fidgeted as he waited for his call to be answered. When at long last the familiar face filled the screen, he was on the verge of screaming. "Quatre..."
Quatre Raberba Winner blinked his ocean colored eyes rapidly. "Heero? Is that you?"
"Relena...Quatre..." He braced himself on the desk and dropped his chin to his chest. "What happened...Relena?"
The blond Arabian man was quiet for a long time. "Why do you care, Heero?" Instantly, he put his hand to his mouth. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that. I've never doubted you care about her. Much more than I think you will ever know."
Heero tried, but failed to block out his words. He looked up at the communicator screen. "Did she really try to...to..."
"Kill herself?", Quatre supplied. "Yes. She did."
"Why?"
Quatre shook his head. "What makes anyone try to kill themselves, Heero? The desire to end it all, having nothing left to go on? Thinking you're all alone in the world?" He rubbed his jaw wearily. "I can't tell you what Relena was thinking. All I can tell you is how she's been leading up to this."
"How's that?"
The blond man searched for the right word. "Empty."
It was disturbing to watch Heero struggle with his emotions. And fascinating at the same time. Quatre never gave up on anyone, but over the years even *his* faith in Heero's basic humanity had wavered from time to time. Now, however, he could see it...plainly and clearly. Heero loved. Heero suffered.
Heero *was* human.
"Empty", Heero repeated. "Because of the....baby?"
"Not completely. I think she could have taken the loss much better had you been by her side." Quatre bit his tongue before he could continue. *Or given some tiny sign that you give a damn...*
"So...it was me. I made her do this."
Quatre shrugged. "Heero, I don't know. I just..."
Heero's head came up again. "Who found her? Where was she? They said she might have been...." He forced the word out of his mouth. "...raped?"
Lying to Heero Yuy was pointless. If he really wanted to, he could find out entirely on his own without ever leaving the vicinity of his laptop. Taking a deep breath, Quatre told him. "Duo found her....naked on the floor of his bedroom."
"She *was* raped." Heero's voice was low and dangerous.
"Not exactly."
The Perfect Soldier was a mask of confusion. "You said Duo found her naked. If she wasn't raped, then..." He stopped short. Quatre looked down at his lap to avoid meeting the Prussian blue stare. "You said she was in Duo's room? Where was Duo?" The other man didn't answer. He didn't have to. "Thank you for the information, Quatre."
"Heero..." Quatre's voice carried a note of desperation. "Don't do anything you will regret! Listen to all sides of the..." Heero shut down the communicator. Without blinking an eye, he reached for his gun.
****
Numb, violet eyes watched the blood being pumped from his arm on its long journey up the curves of the plastic tube to its final resting place within a plastic pouch labeled with his blood type. Duo rested his head on the back of the chair. On the other side of the curtain that seperated him from the busy hallway, he could hear movement. Hushed conversations. The squeak of orthopedic shoes. A phone ringing. A doctor being paged.
He decided he hated hospitals.
"All right, Mr. Maxwell." The nurse helping with his blood donation began to remove the needle from the crook of his elbow. "That ought to just do it."
Duo barely felt the pain. He had never given blood before. He wouldn't have done so now if Relena were not here, in this hospital, in desperate need of blood...all because of him. And even though this blood he was giving wouldn't go to her as they did not have the same blood type, it was something for him to do. Anything was better than watching her pale, nearly lifeless body back in another hospital bed.
The nurse bandaged his elbow and handed him a cup of orange juice. "Drink this and then you can go." She took the full pouch of his blood and disappeared around the curtain.
As Duo dutifully sipped the juice, he tried to think of ways that he could have avoided being here. If he had woken up and found her sooner. If he used a different sort of razor. If he hadn't fallen asleep.
If he hadn't fucked Relena Peacecraft.
The last one made him close his eyes in agony. He crumpled the empty paper cup in his hand. Of all the careless, reckless, dangerous and stupid things he had done in his life, not being able to say no to Relena had been the worst by far. What he had done was not a secret. The investigation team from the Preventers knew all about it. He had been forced to tell them, rather than lie as to why Relena was naked in his bedroom. Millardo knew; the man had been avoiding him ever since. Noin knew; she hadn't been able to look Duo in the eye since Relena was carried out of his bedroom. There was only one person he could think of who might not know.
And he hoped to god that one person never found out.
Shaking his head, Duo slid off the examination chair and picked up his coat. He felt a little dizzy, but ignored it. He'd been avoiding Relena's room for too long. It was time to face the music.
Chang Wufei stood on guard just outside the door. He looked Duo up and down as the braided man approached him. "Maxwell", he greeted him.
"How is she?'
The Chinese man shrugged. "I just watch the door. I don't get personally involved." He raised his eyebrow, but stopped himself before continuing.
Duo gave him a sad, deformed smile. "Are you saying I could take a lesson from you?" Wufei didn't reply. "All right, wise one. Teach me detachment. Teach me to focus on the job without caring *about* the focus of the job."
Wufei snorted. "All right. Lesson one. Keep it in your pants." Before Duo could reply, he kicked the door open with the heel of his boot. "Don't wake her up."
He came to her bedside with more guilt that any one human being should bear. It was his fault that she was there...being fed blood through a tube...cut and bandaged. At least her chest was still rising and falling. He hadn't killed her. His weakness had not cost Relena her life.
"God...princess..." Duo covered his mouth with his hand. "I'm so very sorry."
His apologies went unheard as Relena continued to sleep, blissfully unaware of his presence. He draped his coat across the side of her bed. The gun concealed in the coat's pocket clanked loudly against the bed's metal arms.
Duo looked down at the peaceful face of his old friend. She truly was beautiful, even in this state. Even in the state she had come to him the night before. However, her beauty had nothing to do with his choice to take what she had offered. The few minutes he had spent inside her body had been about something much deeper than physical attraction.
"It was love", he said outloud. "But not romantic love. I'm not in love with you, Relena. I'm in love with Hilde." He touched her pale cheek. "But I do love you. And what I did...what we did last night...it's what I thought you needed." His hand brushed across the thick bandages on her wrists. "I guess I was wrong."
"Good guess."
The voice was unmistakable. Duo continued to look at Relena. "I thought Wufei was supposed to be keeping out the undesirables."
Heero snorted. "You can report him when he regains conciousness."
Duo's fingers brushed back across Relena's face. He wasn't conciously aware of trying to make Heero angry or jealous, but nevertheless, he succeeded. "Have you come here to kill me, Heero? Or did you come to finish her off?"
"Maybe both." The click of metal against metal echoed throughout the room. "Before that...tell me why you did it."
"Why I did what?"
"Her." Heero gestured towards Relena with his gun. "Out of all the women in the universe...why her?"
Duo raised his eyes and looked at his former friend for the first time since he had come into the room. "Tell me why you left her."
"Certainly not so she could be fucked over by you, Maxwell." Heero lowered his gun, but did not take his finger off the trigger. "I left so she'd be safe."
"You put her in the first hospital bed, Heero."
"And you put her in this one."
Duo looked at the ceiling. "Should we go around the circle again? Who fucked Relena over worse...you or me? It could go on for hours." He dropped his gaze back to meet Heero's. "Why did you come here?"
"I think you know." Heero reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a second gun. He tossed it to Duo and the braided man caught it, expertly. "It's loaded with one bullet. Just like this one." He lifted his own gun.
The other man turned the gun over in his hands, forgetting momentarily about his own gun. "You've got to be kidding, Heero. You want to duel? With me?"
"No...I want to kill you. I just don't think it's fair not to give you a fighting chance."
Duo began to laugh. He felt insane, laughing in the face of the Perfect Soldier, but Duo rarely listened to his inner voices when they told him to cool it. "You're going to kill me? Have you forgotten that *I've* shot *you* before...not the other way around?"
Heero raised his gun and aimed it directly at Duo's heart. "That can easily be remedied."
Out of instinct, Duo raised his own weapon. If Heero was serious, he could not afford to be caught off guard. "This is ridiculous, Heero. And you know it. You don't really want to kill me."
"I don't?"
"No." Duo kept the gun steady, pointed at Heero. "The only person you want to hurt is you. You hate yourself for what you did to her. And you want to punish me for it."
Heero tilted his head to the side, as if processing this. "I did what I did for Relena's sake."
"So did I." Duo smiled sadly.
"Maybe you two...should stop and ask me...what *I* want...from now on." The voice from the bed was soft, but strong.
Keeping their guns trained on one another, both men turned their heads to glance at Relena. Somehow, they had failed to notice her wake up and struggle to sit up. They watched as she painstakingly reached into Duo's coat and pulled out his gun. She looked it over for a moment, running her fingers over the silencer; both men were sure she had no idea what do with it.
To their surprise, Relena pulled out the clip, counted the bullets and snapped it back into place. She ignored the shooting pains in her wrists and lifted the gun. "I have six bullets. You both have one. Who has the better odds here?"
"Princess..." Duo took one hand off his gun and held out it out to her. "Give me the gun. This is between Heero and me."
Relena pointed the weapon at Duo. "I don't think so. This all started with Heero and *me*. I'm sorry for getting you involved in it, Duo."
Heero looked over the woman in the bed, supiciously. "Relena, put the gun down. You're not going to shoot either of us."
"Really?" She turned the gun on Heero. "Why shouldn't I shoot at least you? After all you did to me...isn't it only fair? A life for a life."
"I didn't kill you, Relena."
Relena shook her head. "You did worse. You killed our baby. You killed any chance of us ever having another one. And then you left me."
Heero's eyes narrowed. "I came back, didn't I?"
"On some half-cocked vengeance mission. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted Duo? Did you stop to think who was the seducer?"
"Princess, don't..."
Relena placed her finger on the trigger. "Shut up, Duo. I'm talking to Heero." She stared at the man in question. "So, why shouldn't I kill you, Heero?"
"Because..." Heero closed his eyes for a moment. "You love me."
The bullet shot past his ear, silently lodging itself in the white washed wall behind him. "Try again", she said calmly.
Duo blinked. "Fuck..."
Heero took a breath. "Because you care about me."
The second bullet flew dangerously close to his other ear, leaving another hole in the hospital's wall. "Get over yourself", Relena whispered.
There was a long moment of silence as the trio of former friends, situated in a circle, held each other at gunpoint. Duo broke the silence. "Did you ever play that game as a kid...?"
Relena seemed to read his mind. "Ring around the rosy....a pocket full of posey...."
"Ashes...ashes", the God of Death continued.
Heero finished. "We all fall down."
After another second, he threw his gun onto the blanket around Relena's legs. Duo followed suit. Relena added Duo's gun to the pile. A bright red spot of blood formed on each of her bandaged wrists, but she ignored it. "Duo...may I please speak to Heero alone?"
The braided man backed up a step. "Yeah. I'll go...check on Wufei." He bypassed Heero by a mile and opened the door. Before he could leave, he turned back around. "Princess..."
"I know, Duo. I'm sorry, too." Relena looked down at her lap. "I hope I haven't ruined things between you and Hilde."
He gave her a Duo Maxwell shrug. "Takes two to fuck something up, Relena." With that thought, he left them alone.
"He's right, you know", Relena said after several agonizing minutes of silence. She touched the bloody spots on her bandages. "I've been putting all the blame onto you...for so long. I forgot about my own part in it all."
Heero didn't move. "Your part?"
Relena nodded. "I should have told you I was pregnant long before that day. I dumped it all onto you and expected you to be..." She searched for the words. "...unaffected. And when you reacted like a normal man, I blamed you for it."
He was a long time in replying. "A normal man would have been happy. A normal man would have watched you even more carefully. A normal man..." He took a breath. "...would have wanted to be a father."
"I don't want a normal man, Heero!" Hot tears flooded her eyes. "All I've ever wanted was you....with all your abnormalties. Just you." She bit her lip. "And the only thing I ever asked for was your love."
Heero looked down at his hands. "I don't understand. Why?"
Laughter broke through Relena's tears. "I used to ask myself that all the time." She raised her shoulders. "There is no answer. Just give up looking for one, Heero. Life is short."
He looked at her darkly. "It's even shorter when you take a razor blade to your wrists."
"I'm getting a lecture on suicide from Heero Yuy?"
The smile that appeared on his lips shocked even Heero himself. "I really hate it when you make me feel human."
Relena returned the smile. "I really love it when you are."
He thought for a moment before dragging a chair over to the side of the bed and sitting down. "Go to sleep, Relena. You need to sleep."
"Will you be here when I wake up?" Before he could answer, she continued. "No...it's all right. You don't have to make me any promises."
Heero crossed his arms over his chest. "Sleep."
Relena lay back against the pillows and closed her eyes. After a second, her eyes opened. "Wait....you *owe* me some promises, damnit!"
He leaned forward. "I don't have any promises to give you, Relena. You have no reason to trust me with your heart or your life."
"So...why do I?"
"You do for the same reasons why I do the things I do."
Relena licked the corner of her dry lip. "Love?"
He didn't reply. But then...he didn't really have to.
*****
Author's Notes: No idea where this story came from. I think I had a dream...maybe. I don't know. I don't make any apologies for this fic...neither do I make any promises.
Dedication: To procrastination. The lost artform.
****
We All Fall Down
by Kristen Elizabeth
****
Why?
She often wondered this. Why? Why was she the way she was, both in her professional life and her personal? Why did she put up with this? This man, in particular? Why did she let him do what he was doing to her?
Why did she love it too much to stop?
High above her, almost too high to really be connected, he closed his eyes and thrust for a final time, filling her with everything he had. Everything but what she most wanted. His love.
Heero Yuy collapsed onto Relena Peacecraft with a sigh of repletion. Her own pleasure already sated, Relena wrapped an arm around his damp shoulder and held him to her body. These were the moments that made it all worthwhile. The times when he wasn't trying to control her or run away from her. The times when all he could do was lay his cheek on her breast and catch his breath.
These were the moments that made Heero Yuy human.
But, as always, the moment quickly passed. Lifting himself onto his elbows, Heero looked down at the Vice Foriegn Minister. He didn't say anything, only continued to stare at her as if he weren't entirely sure how he had come to be there. In her bed, between her silk sheets, joined so very intimately with her body.
Taking a chance, but instinctively knowing it would do no good, Relena reached her hand up to touch his flushed cheek. "Thank you", she whispered. He blinked, but said nothing. "Stay with me?"
He did not reply until he had pulled out of her body. "I need to go."
It was a lie and she could see right through it. He did not truly *need* to leave her bed. He just wanted to. She turned her head to the side; he would not get the satisifaction of seeing her tears. "Go then."
Heero dressed quickly, barely glancing back at the exquisitely naked woman in the four poster bed as he pulled on his clothes. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair and started for the door. "Duo is on duty tonight. Call him if you need anything." She did not reply. It did not bother him. He left, silently closing the door behind himself.
A long while after he had gone, Relena sat up in bed. The sheets were sticky with their combined passion; she kicked the covers off and stood up. Moonlight poured into the room, bathing her body with soft white light.
Her used body.
She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror on her dressing table. Tousled golden hair hung down to her arms, spilling over onto her creamy breasts, still sore from his rough touch. Had he noticed how they had changed? If he had, he had said nothing. She looked lower, to the pale skin over her abdomen. How could he not have seen its roundness? Seen how she was now curved in a place where she had once been flat?
Why didn't he know her body well enough to know when it changed?
Five months had passed since the night he came to her, drunk on Duo's Jack Daniels and his own repressed lust. Five months since she let him be the first man to possess her body. It was only right since he was the only man who had ever possessed her heart and soul. The body, she figured, was just part of the package deal.
Somewhere in that first month of late night, clandestine meetings that not even her other bodyguards or her older brother knew about, they had created a new life. She marveled at that, all the while lamenting after the fact. What right did he have to fill her up and still leave her so very empty? She pitied their child who would be born into the world with only half the love it deserved.
Underneath her hand, she could feel motion, as though the child was demanding her attention already. Or mabye just protesting her thoughts towards it. A tiny spark of warmth flared up in Relena's heart as the baby kicked. Was it love? Of course...how could she not love the baby inside her body?
Giving her belly a final pat, she returned the bed and wrapped herself up in the sheets that still bore the scent of their lovemaking. Lovemaking. Didn't that imply that there was love involved? Love from both parties? Her fingers found the place where his child grew once again.
He had to know. She had to tell him. Didn't he have the right to know? Even if he could not bring himself to love her, could he at least love his own flesh and blood? Or would he see it as nothing more than a desperate attempt on her part to snare him, unwillingly, into a relationship?
"You're the link in the chain", she whispered to their child. "You can either make us stronger or weaker. Whatever happens though..." Relena closed her eyes. "He'll protect you. That's the only thing he knows how to do."
****
"Okay, princess. Here's how it's gonna go down." Duo Maxwell squinted at the stapled pages in his hand, lifting them into the early morning light that streamed into Relena's sitting room. "At nine, you've got to meet with the oil guys from Arabia. They claim that one of the outer colonies is overcharging their gas, but they're not seeing any of the profits."
Relena glanced up from her breakfast of weak tea and toast. "I thought Quatre agreed to talk to them. I know nothing about oil."
Duo shrugged his shoulders. "He didn't say anything about it. Want me to give him a ring?"
"No", she replied. "It's still night on his colony. I don't want to wake him up." The toast on her breakfast tray was slowly sending her stomach into a downward spiral. She pushed it away from her and took a tiny sip of tea to calm her stomach.
"All righty then..." Duo helped himself to her abandoned breakfast. "At eleven, you've got lunch with the Minister of..." He held the toast between his teeth and flipped through the day's schedule. "...something or other. Minor Traffic Violations...I don't know. Your secretary forgot to write it down."
She wearily rubbed her temple. "If I don't know who I'm having lunch with, how am I supposed to prepare?"
He caught the exhaustion in her tone and swallowed the last of her toast. "I'll find out before then, princess", he assured her. "Don't worry about it."
Relena managed a grateful smile. "Thank you."
"After lunch, you've got that press conference about the upcoming elections." He formed his face into a mask of exaggerated sorrow. "I'm so sorry I'm going to miss that. But Hilde wants to lock me in a room and have sex!" He shook his head, sadly; his braid swung back and forth. "I keep telling her...politics *before* sex, but does she listen to my needs? No."
She had to laugh. "It's good that she could come to Earth for a few days. But, I guess I'll just have to have fun for the both of us at the conference." Her smile fell. "Duo, if you're not going to be at the press conference, who is? Trowa's on L4 with Quatre and Wufei's on assignment in Prague and my brother is on vacation with Lucy....and I just answered my own question, didn't I?"
Duo nodded. "Heero's already at the press hall, getting ready. He'll pick you up from the restaurant."
Her stomach turned. "Excuse me." Without an explaination, she ran for her bathroom.
****
Lunch with the Minister of Enviromental Safety proceeded in much the same way. After explaining to the Minister about a strange 24-hour stomach flu she had contracted, Relena spent much of the lunch meeting in the ladies room.
"What are you doing to me?", she whispered to the baby. "How am I supposed to take care of you if I can't even feed myself?"
Finally, after her fourth trip the bathroom, the Minister gave up and suggested that they end the meeting early. Relena agreed with no hesitation. She could already see her limousine just outside the restaurant. Heero was leaning against the back door, dressed in a blue suit. The suit's coat was open; his holster was in plain view, a semi-automatic weapon suspended in the leather. Relena knew, from having him as one of her bodyguards for three years, that he had a knife in his pants pocket and another, smaller gun in his coat pocket.
He stood up straight as she appeared in the restaurant's door. She was formally attired in a business dress suit made of soft charcoal wool. Her dark blonde hair was pulled away from her face and wrapped around the base of her neck in a braided knot. She wore minimal makeup and there were dark circles under her eyes. Any other man might have been concerned. Heero Yuy didn't even seem to notice.
"You're out early", he commented, holding the door open for her, out of a sense of duty rather than politeness.
"I wasn't very hungry", she replied, sliding into the limo. Heero followed her in, taking a seat opposite from hers. He signaled to the driver and they were off.
They were quiet for several achingly long minutes. Relena bit her lip as their baby kicked happily in her belly while its father sat, unaware of its existence, staring out the window as the countryside rolled by. Finally, Relena could take the silence no more. "Heero...", she began.
"The conference hall is safe", Heero interrupted. "I checked it out this morning."
She nodded and tried not to cry. "I know. Duo told me." Filling her lungs with air, she tried again. "Heero, I need to tell you..."
Heero fixed his bottomless blue stare onto her. "Tell me later, Relena. You've got other things to think about right now."
Pressing any further would only make him angry. Any other time, Relena would not have cared and chosen his anger over his continued ignorance about the secret that was going to change their lives. But on that particular day, she was just too tired, too nauseated, and too upset to fight with him. They sat in silence for the rest of the trip to the press hall.
Reporters and photographers were already gathered around the hall in the dozens, each of them clamoring for the latest scoop about the second Earth-Space Alliance Presidential elections. Would the current President be running again? Was Relena Peacecraft finally going to announce that she was running for the high political office?
The limo pulled around to the back entrance of the hall, far away from the reporters' reach. Heero got out first and thoroughly scanned the area for possible threats before motioning to Relena to follow. Once inside the building, Relena located a fountain and took a long, soothing drink of water. It was the only thing her stomach seemed to want.
Heero approached her as she straightened up and licked a bit of liquid from her upper lip. The sight of her pink tongue running over her lip momentarily distracted him. Scowling, he thrust the notecards her speech was written on into her hands. "Here. You left them on your desk."
As she took the cards from her, their fingers touched. Unwilling to pull back, Relena let her hand stay there, enjoying the brief bit of physical contact. Heero looked down at their hands and then back at her. She stared into his eyes. Neither the time nor the place were ideal, but it was right then or never. "Heero", she said quietly. "I'm pregnant."
"Ms. Peacecraft..." An aide appeared from the general direction of the stage. "They're ready for you."
"Thank you", she called back to the girl. Looking back at Heero's shell-shocked expression, she smiled sadly. "We'll talk later." Before he could say anything, she followed the direction the aide had taken, leaving Heero behind in the dark.
****
"...and so, in conclusion, may I just say thank you for your support and I hope that you will allow me to continue to serve you...as your President."
There was a brief round of clapping before the questions began.
"Vice Foreign Minister...do you expect to win the election?"
Relena looked at the reporter. "I expect the people to choose the best person to lead them. I can only hope that I'm what they're looking for in a leader." Another hand shot up. "Yes?"
"Ms. Peacecraft, does your decision to run for President have anything to do with having been the Vice Foriegn Minister for nearly five years? Are you tired of playing second fiddle? Looking for more power?"
"My motivations are as close to altruistic as anything of the sort can be. Of course, yes...I'd like to take a more active role in high politics. But am I greedy? I don't think that's a fair question." She pointed to a man in the back. "Your question, sir?"
The reporter paused before beginning. Because of the lights and the flashes from a dozen different cameras, Relena had to strain to see him and even then she couldn't see very well. "Vice Foreign Minister..." The man took a step forwards. "Do you expect any opposition to your running for President?"
Relena frowned. "Well...it would be naive of me to say that absolutely everyone will be happy by my platform. But no...I don't expect too much upheaval. It's not as though I've won anything yet."
She was about to call on the next question when she saw the glint of metal in the shadowed man's hand. Her heart lept into her throat. Instinctively, she searched for Heero out of the corner of her eye. He would spot the man. He would run forward and tackle the man before he could use the gun he was pulling from his jacket. But for the first time in a very long time, Heero wasn't there.
Her hero wasn't there.
The world was in slow motion. Relena watched it all happening as though she were a bystander. The gun...pulled from a pocket, aimed at her...fired. The other reporters scurried, but Relena could not move. Frozen with fear and still expecting to be shoved out of the way at any moment, she stood at the microphone, staring down the barrel of the assassin's gun.
The first bullet caught her in the shoulder, passing clean through her body and exploding out the back of her grey wool suit. She felt her entire right side jerk back under the force of the blast. The second shot landed in her abdomen, lodging somewhere inside. There were screams; Relena was barely aware of them as her body began to slip to the stage. She landed with little more than a thump. Blinking, she stared up at the ceiling of the press hall. There was a strange warmth covering her; she touched her belly and brought her hand up to where she could see it. It was stained, like the summer afternoon her adoptive parents had taken her to a cherry orchard and let her pick and eat the fruit all afternoon. Wet crimson dripping from her fingers. She lowered her hand back to her side.
There was suddenly a face over hers. Was it his? No...it was the aide. The girl was crying, shaking Relena's shoulders. She closed her eyes, wishing the girl would just stop and leave her alone. Another face joined the girl's high above her head. A young man...he looked like Heero. But it couldn't be Heero; this man seemed to care about her. His lips mouthed her name over and over, but Relena did not hear anything. Her eyelids were becoming heavier by the second. With her last bit of energy, Relena forced out a sentence before she slipped into the blissful black of unconciousness.
"Please help my baby..."
****
"What have we got?"
"Female, 22 years old, GSW to the right shoulder and lower abdomen...BP 70 over 100...two liters of O-neg in the field. She crashed en route and we intubated." The EMS paused. "It's possible she's pregnant."
The doctor stared back at him. "Do you know who this is?"
"Yeah. I do."
"All right. On my count...one, two, three." The doctor began throwing orders. "Type and cross four liters, call for a surgical consult and give OB a ring, too. Just in case." The doctor looked down at the bleeding, broken body of the Vice Foreign Minister. "Come on people...we can't lose this woman."
****
"Where is she? Where's my sister??"
Duo lifted his head and blinked several times. After staring at the stark white of the hospital floor, it should have been a relief to see some color. But the pain, fear and anger in the crystal blue eyes of Millardo Peacecraft was the last color he wanted to see at that moment. "She's in surgery", he replied, numbly. "They took her in just as I got here...two hours ago."
Millardo ran a hand down his face. "We came back as soon as we heard." He looked at his wife, Lucrezia Noin. "What the hell happened, Duo?"
"I..." Duo chewed on his lip. "I wish I could tell you. I only know that she was shot during the press conference." He looked back down at the floor, guilt flooding his violet eyes. "I wasn't there. Fuck!! I wasn't there..." His fingers plunged into his thick bangs.
"Heero." Noin looked around. "What about Heero? Did he get hurt?"
Duo raised his eyes again. The overwhelming guilt had been replaced with the beginning strains of hatred. "He was there. He didn't stop it."
"Where is he now?", Millardo asked dangerously calm.
"Got me." Duo shook his braided hair. "Your guess is as good as..."
"I'm right here."
Three heads swung around to see Heero Yuy standing in the hospital hallway. His blue pants and white shirt were stained with the unmistakable marks of blood. His eyes, normally sullen and detached, were empty and lifeless. Duo looked at him and then back at Relena's brother, silently making a bet with himself as to how long it would take the older man to attack the perfect soldier.
To his surprise, Millardo ignored Heero altogether. "Did they say how long the surgery would take?"
Duo shrugged. "They were really vague....mumbling medical jargon. I didn't catch much of it. God...you should have seen her...." He thought for a second. "No, you probably shouldn't have."
"I did", Heero said.
"Yes, we know", Duo snapped. "Watched the whole damn thing, didn't you?"
"There wasn't anything I could do", the Japanese man replied.
A scowl descended onto Duo's normally cheerful face. "Like hell there wasn't anything you could...."
"Stop", Millardo called for silence. "The damage has already been done." He looked at Heero for the first time. "Did you get the shooter?"
Heero's expression was blank. "Between the eyes."
"Good." Relena's brother sat down; his wife took a seat next to him. Only Heero remained standing, his arms folded over Relena's bloodstains. There was silence until a surgical scrub-clad doctor appeared from the swinging doors.
"Are you all here for Relena Peacecraft?", the man asked.
Millardo shot to his feet. "Yes. Please...how is my sister?"
The doctor sighed. "She lost a lot of blood. The bullet wound to her shoulder wasn't a problem to fix. But the one to her abdomen..." He paused. "Were you aware that your sister was pregnant?"
A long moment passed. "No", Millardo finally replied. "I wasn't."
Duo blinked and tried to lift his fallen jaw. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Heero standing very quietly. Most importantly, he could see the lack of shock in his friend's demeanor. "Wait..." He blinked. "*Was* pregnant?"
"Yes." The doctor cleared his throat. "The bullet passed straight through the fetus. There wasn't anything we could do for it. Once we removed her uterus, we didn't have any further complications..."
Noin gripped onto Millardo's arm. "You took out her...?"
"It was the only way to save her life."
Millardo spoke quietly. "When can we see her?"
"Soon." The doctor rubbed his forehead wearily. "She'll be moved from recovery into the ICU. But only family members are allowed in there, I'm afraid." He put a hand on Millardo's shoulder. "Your sister is very lucky. If her shoulder wound had been a few inches over, she would have died instantly." With that, the doctor left them.
Duo made a face. "What kind of bedside manner is that?" His words went ignored.
Millardo looked at Heero. "How long have you been fucking my little sister?"
"Zechs..." Noin took his hand. "Don't do this..."
"Five months", Duo answered for his friend. Heero stared at him blankly. "C'mon...you two didn't think you were fooling us, did you?"
A blush rose on Millardo's cheeks. But then, Duo thought, it might have just been anger. "And how long have you known she was pregnant?"
Heero saw no reason to lie. "I found out today."
"Why wasn't there heavier security around her? She could have been wearing something bullet proof..." He gripped onto Noin's hand. "How come you didn't protect Relena?"
They were all waiting for his answer. Heero calmly placed his hands in his pockets. "I did my job to the best of my abilities, but there were unforseen factors that hindered my mission."
"One of those unforseen factors wouldn't happen to have been a baby, would it?", Duo suggested quietly.
Millardo glared at both men. "If you really had done your job in the best way possible, Relena would not be here."
Heero shrugged. "*I* never said I was perfect."
****
She floated in a world beside the one we know. There, in the warm light, she felt...for the first time since her father's death...completely safe. Not even Heero's arms provided the sort of comfort she felt in the light. Closing her eyes, she spun like a little girl in a new dress. She could be happy here. Nothing and no one would hurt her. Forever.
"Momma."
She turned to see a child standing with her in the light. Clad all in white, the child had piercing blue eyes and soft, honey colored hair. "Momma...", the little girl repeated. "Can you see me, Momma?"
"I can see you..." She smiled. "You're so beautiful..."
"I'm sorry, Momma. I couldn't stay with you."
She nodded. "I know...but I can stay with you. I can take care of you right here!"
The little girl shook her blond curls. "You can't, Momma. You're not supposed to stay with me."
"But..." She started to cry. "I love you...and I need you! Please...let me stay...."
"Daddy would be very sad, Momma."
It was her turn to shake her head. "No....no, he wouldn't..."
The girl was stoic. "Daddy would be sad."
"He didn't even try...", she sobbed. "He didn't even try to save you."
"He wasn't supposed to. I'm supposed to be here."
She buried her face in her hands. "He was supposed to protect us..."
"You have to go, Momma."
"I have to go..."
"Don't be mad at Daddy."
"I won't be mad at Daddy...."
****
Relena opened her eyes slowly. All she saw was white. But unlike the white of the light, this white was cold and medicinal. She blinked.
"Relena."
Her head turned to the side. Next to her, seated in a chair, was the man who hadn't been able to save her. She blinked again and tried to speak. There was something in her throat keeping her from being able to talk to him. Panicking, she fought against the tube, but there wasn't anything she could do about it.
"Calm down", Heero said. "That thing is helping you breathe."
Relena wriggled her fingers, beckoning for his touch. **Please...take my hand and tell me everything is going to be all right...** Awkwardly, Heero's hand descended onto hers.
"Noin made your brother go home to sleep. They'll be back." Her fingers were so cold under his.
She had so many questions, but she could only ask them with the clear blue of her eyes. **What happened to our baby? Why didn't you stop this?**
He stared into those eyes as though he could actually hear her thoughts. It had always been thus, the connection they had. It was only lately that it had been reduced to merely a physical connection. Relena tried to smile around the tube in her mouth. "I'm not supposed to be here", he confided in her.
**Then why are you?**
"But I had to talk to you." The pad of his index finger ran along the back of hers, warming the flesh. "Before I left."
Relena's already pale expression became deathly white. She struggled to sit up, but the pain was too great. With a muffled cry, she fell back against the pillow. **Please tell me you're only joking.** Her eyes pleaded with him; she slowly shook her head on the pillow. **You can't leave me...not like this.**
"I'm going because..." He lowered his gaze. "I'm scared of myself." If not for the respirator, Relena would not have breathed, waiting for him to go on. "I wanted the baby to die. Maybe that's why I stayed backstage during your speech. And when I heard the shots...." He squeezed his eyes shut. "I destroyed our baby. If I stay, I'll wind up destroying you, too."
Tears coursed from the corners of Relena's eyes. She was helpless, unable to shut down to avoid hearing his words. All she could do was lie there and watch him tear her entire world apart. In the past, she had always been able to talk him down from the dark places his soul took him to. But in the moment when he needed her words the most, she could not speak. **Heero...please...**
"I never tried to love you, Relena. But I hurt you and for that I will always be sorry." He stood up, but did not move his hand from her. The human contact was overwhelming. "I don't want you to forgive me for leaving you like this." He shook his head. "I can deal with your hate. I just don't know what to do about your love."
He was leaving her. He was getting ready to walk out the door and leave her behind in the hospital bed his own mixed emotions and mistakes had put her in. **No...no...no...no...no...no...** She grabbed his hand with all the strength she had left. **I love you.** Her eyes cried for him.
"You're going to be much better from now on." Heero pulled his hand out of her grasp. "I'm not going to hurt you anymore." Without thinking about the possible rammifications, Heero bent over and kissed her forehead. "Goodbye, Relena."
The hospital room was quiet, but inside Relena's mind, all she could hear was herself screaming.
****
"Okay, Relena...I've got your arm. Take little baby steps...that's not a baby step, princess."
Relena had no energy to argue with Duo. "I'm sorry."
Duo instantly felt bad. "Aww, princess...don't be sorry. I'm not trying to scold you. I just don't want you to pull any of those stitches."
His concern was endearing, but Relena couldn't even bring herself to smile. "I'm fine, Duo. I just want to get into my own bed."
"Well..." Duo scratched the top of his head. They were still on the front driveway of the Peacecraft Manor. Relena's bedroom seemed a million miles away...and she was in such obvious pain. "Here." Before she could protest, he gently scooped her up into his arms.
Relena let him carry her like a baby into the Manor and up two flights of stairs to her room. Once inside, he carefully set her on the bed. "I'm going to go get the rest of your stuff, princess. I'll be right back." As soon as he was gone, Relena let out a little sigh. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate Duo's efforts...or the efforts of her brother and sister in law. But after a month in the hospital, constantly surrounded by doctors, nurses and well-wishers, Relena just wanted to be left alone. Left alone to her misery.
The bed had long since been made since the last time she was in it. The last time he was in it with her, making love to her body, still filled with their child. And now, she was sitting on a freshly made bed that carried no scent of him, empty and alone. With two bullets, she had lost her baby and the love of her life.
She wasn't sure how long she lay there, but all too soon, Duo returned with her single bag of clothing. He set it down next to her dresser and looked around awkwardly. "So...how you feeling, princess?"
Relena closed her eyes. "I'm very tired, Duo." The instant the words left her mouth, she felt bad. Duo was a true friend. He only wanted to help.
"I understand. I'll go."
His hand was on the doorknob. "Wait." Relena gingerly sat up, ignoring the shooting pain in her shoulder and abdomen. "I'm sorry. Please...stay and talk to me." Her eyes were wet. "I haven't talked to anyone...in so long."
Duo lowered himself onto the plush seat of her dressing table. "All right. What do you want to talk about, princess?"
She thought for a moment. "Tell me about you and Hilde." Trying for her old, friendly tone, she continued. "Do I get to be a bridesmaid one of these days?"
The grin on Duo's face was the brightest thing she had seen in a very long time. "I have the ring. I just don't know how to ask her..." For a moment, he almost looked child-like in his hesitation. "You're a girl....tell me how you'd like to be proposed to."
Relena caught her breath. "Well...I haven't ever...thought about it..." A boldfaced lie. One of her favorite daydreams from age fifteen had been of Heero asking her to marry him. "But I suppose it's not really how you do it...but how much feeling you put behind it."
Duo pondered this for a second. "I see what you're saying!", he finally declared. "Anyone ever tell you that you're pretty smart, princess?"
"Not for awhile."
He bit his lip at hearing the melancholy in her voice. "Relena...you can talk to me, too, you know." He paused. "About anything. Or anyone."
She raised her good shoulder in feigned indifference. "There's nothing to talk about. He left and life goes on."
Duo played with a string hanging off his black shirt. "What about the baby?"
"You know..." Relena wiped under her eyes. "You're the first person to ask me about the baby. Everyone's sort of avoided the topic...like it was something bad that needs to be forgotten." She shook her head. "Nothing was wrong about my baby. Right?"
He reached for her hand. "'Course not."
Relena swallowed. "I just wish I could have..." She stopped herself. "But there will be other babies. I'm still young."
Duo released her hand. "Um...princess...?"
"Yes?"
Staring into her blue eyes, Duo suddenly realized something. She had no idea what had been done to her body. No one...no doctor, no counselor, not even her brother...had told her she could never have children. His fist balled up. "Nothing. Just me...talking." He gave her a horribly sad smile and did the one thing he had said he would never do.
Duo Maxwell lied.
"There will be other babies."
****
"You didn't tell her??!! How could you not tell her??!!"
Millardo pinched the bridge of nose between his finger and thumb, wearily. "How I am supposed to tell her, Duo? Tell me....tell me how to tell her. Because I have no idea how to do it!"
Duo put his hands on the mahagony desk. "First of all....you shouldn't have kept it a secret. The minute you told her about the baby, you should have told her about the...other thing." He lifted one hand to begin counting on his fingers. "Secondly..." He paused. "Just tell her, damnit! I really believe that the only thing keeping her from completely breaking down is thinking that she can be a mother again someday. Maybe not with Heero's help....god forbid he do any small thing to ease her pain....but with someone."
"I know. You're not telling me anything I haven't told myself already. And I will." Millardo slumped further into his seat, utterly defeated. "I will tell her."
"Do it soon. Before she figures out on her own." Duo snorted. "She's not as naive as you and Heero like to think she is." Before the older man could react, he moved to the door. "I'm leaving for L2 in the morning. I'll be gone for a few days."
Relena's brother nodded. "See you then."
Duo pulled the door open. "Tell her. Or I will."
****
"Ever? She can't ever have children?" Hilde Schbeiker adjusted her cheek against Duo's bare chest. "That's...awful. Poor Relena."
Her braided lover nodded. "Yeah. The saddest thing is...she would've been a great mom." His arm tightened around Hilde's shoulders. "That stupid heartless..."
"Hey." She put her fingers against Duo's lips. "He's still your best friend."
"Is he? Why?" Duo spread his hands across her back. "It's not like I really know him all that well. I never, ever thought that he would do this to her. It's one thing to sleep with her in secret...quite another to get her pregnant, let the baby get killed and then leave her practically for dead."
"Duo..." Hilde played with the end of his braid. "Has anyone even stopped to think about what Heero must be going through?"
"Should anyone care?"
Her hand slapped him lightly. "It's far too easy to blame Heero for everything. But maybe...maybe it was just the way things were supposed to be. You really do place the burden of perfection onto him....and he never asked for it. He's human."
"He's a soldier."
"He's a man. If I told you, right now, that I was pregnant, what would you do?"
Duo blanched. "I...um...well..."
Hilde raised her shoulders. "The defense rests."
Laughing in defeat, Duo kissed the top of her head. "I adore you. You know that, right?"
"Hmm....I'll need to see some evidence, counselor."
She squealed as he rolled his body on top of hers. His lips found the right spot on her neck, the spot that made her turn into putty in his hands. "Exhibit A...."
****
It wasn't until three days later that Duo arrived back at the Peacecraft Manor. It was well past midnight; his shuttle had been held over on L1 later than expected. He let himself into the massive house with his Preventer-issued key. Silence hung all around him as he took his bag up to the guest room assigned to him when he was on duty. He glanced at Relena's door before he stepped into his room. He sincerely hoped Millardo had done as he promised. He was *not* looking forward to having to tell her she could never have the children she desperately wanted someday.
His room was dark. Duo closed the door behind him and set his bag down. He reached around behind his back and pulled at the rubber band that held his braid together. Expertly, his fingers worked the braid free. He was about halfway done when he heard her voice from the shadows.
"You lied to me."
Duo spun around; his loose hair flung around his hips. "Princess? What are you doing here?"
She stood up. In the moonlight, he could just make out the shiny track of a tear down her marble-like cheek. "You lied to me, Duo. You told me..." She choked. "You told me there would be other babies."
"Princess, I..."
"You knew the whole time, didn't you? You knew what they did to me...and you didn't tell me! You let me go on believing..."
Duo wanted to reach out to her, but forced his hands to lie at his sides. "They had to do it, princess. You would have bled to death..."
She was fully in the moon's light now. Her hair was dirty, like she hadn't washed it in a day or so. Her eyes were horrifically red from a thousand miserable tears. Her clothes hung limply on her body. "I'd rather be dead!!", she screamed. "Don't you get it?? I have nothing now!! I have nothing to look forward to!!" Her tears streamed down her face. "God....I'm all alone..."
His arms wrapped around her. She fought them, but he held on. She needed someone who wouldn't pull away. Who wouldn't give up on her. She needed a friend. "Princess...you're not alone. You're never alone...never." One hand stroked her hair.
"I am..." Her chest heaved with her sobs. "He left me...and I'm all alone." Her hands pressed against her belly. "I'm empty, Duo..."
"It's okay, princess." He rocked her ever so gently. "It's going to be okay. I promise."
But she had lost her faith in his word. "I'm empty", she repeated. Her chin lifted from his chest; she stared into his violet irises. "Fill me up, Duo."
"What?"
Her shaking fingers pulled at his shirt. "I don't want to be empty... Please, Duo..." The shirt opened and her cold hands ran up his chest. "Please...help me..."
"No...Relena..." He made a grab for her wrists. "You're very upset....and it's not me you need."
"I am so tired of everyone telling me what I need!" She wrenched out of his grip. "I need to feel alive, Duo..." Her dry lips pressed against his neck. "I need you to keep me from being empty..."
*Shit!* Duo's brain screamed as her hands slide down his chest and dipped into the front of his black pants. *What the hell are you doing, Maxwell?? Stop her...stop this right now!!*
"Relena!" Exerting more force, he pulled her hands out of his pants. "I can't do this. It would be wrong for more reasons than I can count." He touched the side of her cheek. "And you'd hate yourself in the morning. You'd hate me, too."
"No." Her voice was solemn; her stare deadly. "I only hate one person."
Duo shook his head. "Don't say that, princess....don't say that you hate..."
"Heero. I hate him." Her blue eyes flashed. "I hate him so much, Duo. He killed our baby...and he made me empty forever." Duo said nothing. There was nothing to say. "Please, Duo...." She pushed his belt through its strap. "Fill me up."
His brain continued to protest, but he was only human. Like Heero. She was so needy. Her fingers reached for him, circling his rapidly hardening flesh. Giving in, Duo grabbed her and buried his face in her unwashed hair. He was on autopilot, successfully detaching his mind from his body. He pulled at her clothes until she was naked in the moonlight. Her body was lovely, despite the marks it bore. Nearly healed stitches....a far from healed heart.
Did he think about Hilde as she undressed him? He had no idea. Did he think about Heero or Millardo? Did he think about anything besides the feeling of her icy fingers arousing his body beyond the point of no return? It didn't matter. Before he could stop himself, he was on top of her on his bed. His hair fell over her pale body as they moved in awkward unison.
Her release came hard and fast; she cried out for Heero. If his own body hadn't been in such a state, it would have broken his heart. His final thrust filled her, but not the way she wanted. It wasn't her body that was empty. Heero had taken her soul. Or maybe it had just died along with her baby. Either way, nothing he did could ever replace it. He looked down at her spent, sobbing figure and regret like he had never known before washed over him.
"I'm so sorry, princess...", he whispered. He pulled out and lay alongside her. "Please forgive me...."
She didn't hear him. Her body was full of Duo, just exactly as she had been sure she needed it to be in order to feel complete. Why then did she still feel so very alone?
It wasn't long until Duo, exhausted and guilt-racked, fell asleep. Relena stared at the ceiling and listened to the sound of his breathing. The few times Heero had let himself fall asleep in her arms, she had cherished hearing him breathe. It had lulled her into sleep like nothing else ever had. Duo's breathing was a reminder of what she had just done.
But she couldn't hate Duo. Hating others was not part of her nature. She wasn't even truthful when she said she hated Heero. The only person Relena Peacecraft hated was Relena Peacecraft.
Her legs were shaky, but she got up from the bed. Duo's bag sat on the floor where he had left it. She wasn't sure what she was looking for, but she knelt naked on the floor and rifled through his things. Clothes, wallet, ID tags, gun, a small, framed picture of Hilde...and finally, a dopp kit. She opened the little black bag. Shampoo, toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream....and an old fashioned razor.
Relena's hands trembled as she held the wicked looking blade. It would be so easy...a quick slice up each wrist. Minimal pain, certainly far less than her throbbing shoulder and abdomen. She could lie back on the floor and float into eternal bliss. She could be with her baby again.
She wasn't even aware of the blade piercing the soft flesh of her wrist. Her eyes closed as she brought the blade up a few inches through her skin, towards her elbow. She repeated the process on the other wrist. The razor fell to the carpet. Relena smiled and hugged her chest; blood flowed over her nipples. She waited for her release.
****
"...never, Sarah! I'll never leave you again! You are the love of my life....and the only woman I want to be the mother of my.... We take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you breaking news from Earth..."
Heero Yuy set his gun to the side and looked at the TV for the first time since he had turned it on. He hadn't really cared what program had been on; the background noise was all he had been searching for. After living around Duo and Relena for five years, he had grown accustomed to the sound of continual talking. As much as he didn't want to, he missed it. On the tiny screen, the L1 newsanchor cleared her throat and began to speak in a low, grim tone.
"Good afternoon. I'm Heather Bell with the latest, breaking news story from Earth. Vice Minister of Foriegn Affairs and Presidential hopeful Relena Peacecraft is back in the hospital today after an apparent suicide attempt. Only a month after the assasination attack that nearly took her life, the Vice Foreign Minister was found in the Peacecraft Manor early this morning by her Preventer bodyguard. We have recieved reports that both of her wrists had been slashed. She was rushed to the medical bay at Preventer Headquarters before being transferred to Haskins Regional Medical Center where she remains in critical, but stable condition."
He brought the back of one shaking hand up to his mouth.
"The Preventers did begin a formal investigation after recieving reports that the Vice Minister might have been sexually assaulted, but quickly closed the matter for unknown reasons, declaring the incident a suicide attempt. As more information becomes available to us, we will keep you updated. I'm Heather Bell for L1 News, returning you to programming already in session...." The anchor faded out and the soap opera resumed. "Do you understand me, Sarah? I love you and I'm sorry. I'm so very, very sorry I hurt you. Please, tell me what I can do to make it up to you."
He continued to stare at the TV set as his mind tried to process the overwhelming load of information.
"There's nothing you can do, Bill. You ruined everything." On the screen, Sarah opened the door to her apartment. "Get out. Please get out of my life. It's over. It's all over."
Heero turned the TV off with numb fingers. His world was frozen in time and space. And he was helpless to do anything about, isolated as he was from everyone and everything.
For the first time in his life, Heero wanted to cry.
But two decades of tears did not come. Instead, he did the only thing his instincts told him he could do. Gather more information before deciding on a course of action. He went for his communicator, punching in a number from memory.
He fidgeted as he waited for his call to be answered. When at long last the familiar face filled the screen, he was on the verge of screaming. "Quatre..."
Quatre Raberba Winner blinked his ocean colored eyes rapidly. "Heero? Is that you?"
"Relena...Quatre..." He braced himself on the desk and dropped his chin to his chest. "What happened...Relena?"
The blond Arabian man was quiet for a long time. "Why do you care, Heero?" Instantly, he put his hand to his mouth. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that. I've never doubted you care about her. Much more than I think you will ever know."
Heero tried, but failed to block out his words. He looked up at the communicator screen. "Did she really try to...to..."
"Kill herself?", Quatre supplied. "Yes. She did."
"Why?"
Quatre shook his head. "What makes anyone try to kill themselves, Heero? The desire to end it all, having nothing left to go on? Thinking you're all alone in the world?" He rubbed his jaw wearily. "I can't tell you what Relena was thinking. All I can tell you is how she's been leading up to this."
"How's that?"
The blond man searched for the right word. "Empty."
It was disturbing to watch Heero struggle with his emotions. And fascinating at the same time. Quatre never gave up on anyone, but over the years even *his* faith in Heero's basic humanity had wavered from time to time. Now, however, he could see it...plainly and clearly. Heero loved. Heero suffered.
Heero *was* human.
"Empty", Heero repeated. "Because of the....baby?"
"Not completely. I think she could have taken the loss much better had you been by her side." Quatre bit his tongue before he could continue. *Or given some tiny sign that you give a damn...*
"So...it was me. I made her do this."
Quatre shrugged. "Heero, I don't know. I just..."
Heero's head came up again. "Who found her? Where was she? They said she might have been...." He forced the word out of his mouth. "...raped?"
Lying to Heero Yuy was pointless. If he really wanted to, he could find out entirely on his own without ever leaving the vicinity of his laptop. Taking a deep breath, Quatre told him. "Duo found her....naked on the floor of his bedroom."
"She *was* raped." Heero's voice was low and dangerous.
"Not exactly."
The Perfect Soldier was a mask of confusion. "You said Duo found her naked. If she wasn't raped, then..." He stopped short. Quatre looked down at his lap to avoid meeting the Prussian blue stare. "You said she was in Duo's room? Where was Duo?" The other man didn't answer. He didn't have to. "Thank you for the information, Quatre."
"Heero..." Quatre's voice carried a note of desperation. "Don't do anything you will regret! Listen to all sides of the..." Heero shut down the communicator. Without blinking an eye, he reached for his gun.
****
Numb, violet eyes watched the blood being pumped from his arm on its long journey up the curves of the plastic tube to its final resting place within a plastic pouch labeled with his blood type. Duo rested his head on the back of the chair. On the other side of the curtain that seperated him from the busy hallway, he could hear movement. Hushed conversations. The squeak of orthopedic shoes. A phone ringing. A doctor being paged.
He decided he hated hospitals.
"All right, Mr. Maxwell." The nurse helping with his blood donation began to remove the needle from the crook of his elbow. "That ought to just do it."
Duo barely felt the pain. He had never given blood before. He wouldn't have done so now if Relena were not here, in this hospital, in desperate need of blood...all because of him. And even though this blood he was giving wouldn't go to her as they did not have the same blood type, it was something for him to do. Anything was better than watching her pale, nearly lifeless body back in another hospital bed.
The nurse bandaged his elbow and handed him a cup of orange juice. "Drink this and then you can go." She took the full pouch of his blood and disappeared around the curtain.
As Duo dutifully sipped the juice, he tried to think of ways that he could have avoided being here. If he had woken up and found her sooner. If he used a different sort of razor. If he hadn't fallen asleep.
If he hadn't fucked Relena Peacecraft.
The last one made him close his eyes in agony. He crumpled the empty paper cup in his hand. Of all the careless, reckless, dangerous and stupid things he had done in his life, not being able to say no to Relena had been the worst by far. What he had done was not a secret. The investigation team from the Preventers knew all about it. He had been forced to tell them, rather than lie as to why Relena was naked in his bedroom. Millardo knew; the man had been avoiding him ever since. Noin knew; she hadn't been able to look Duo in the eye since Relena was carried out of his bedroom. There was only one person he could think of who might not know.
And he hoped to god that one person never found out.
Shaking his head, Duo slid off the examination chair and picked up his coat. He felt a little dizzy, but ignored it. He'd been avoiding Relena's room for too long. It was time to face the music.
Chang Wufei stood on guard just outside the door. He looked Duo up and down as the braided man approached him. "Maxwell", he greeted him.
"How is she?'
The Chinese man shrugged. "I just watch the door. I don't get personally involved." He raised his eyebrow, but stopped himself before continuing.
Duo gave him a sad, deformed smile. "Are you saying I could take a lesson from you?" Wufei didn't reply. "All right, wise one. Teach me detachment. Teach me to focus on the job without caring *about* the focus of the job."
Wufei snorted. "All right. Lesson one. Keep it in your pants." Before Duo could reply, he kicked the door open with the heel of his boot. "Don't wake her up."
He came to her bedside with more guilt that any one human being should bear. It was his fault that she was there...being fed blood through a tube...cut and bandaged. At least her chest was still rising and falling. He hadn't killed her. His weakness had not cost Relena her life.
"God...princess..." Duo covered his mouth with his hand. "I'm so very sorry."
His apologies went unheard as Relena continued to sleep, blissfully unaware of his presence. He draped his coat across the side of her bed. The gun concealed in the coat's pocket clanked loudly against the bed's metal arms.
Duo looked down at the peaceful face of his old friend. She truly was beautiful, even in this state. Even in the state she had come to him the night before. However, her beauty had nothing to do with his choice to take what she had offered. The few minutes he had spent inside her body had been about something much deeper than physical attraction.
"It was love", he said outloud. "But not romantic love. I'm not in love with you, Relena. I'm in love with Hilde." He touched her pale cheek. "But I do love you. And what I did...what we did last night...it's what I thought you needed." His hand brushed across the thick bandages on her wrists. "I guess I was wrong."
"Good guess."
The voice was unmistakable. Duo continued to look at Relena. "I thought Wufei was supposed to be keeping out the undesirables."
Heero snorted. "You can report him when he regains conciousness."
Duo's fingers brushed back across Relena's face. He wasn't conciously aware of trying to make Heero angry or jealous, but nevertheless, he succeeded. "Have you come here to kill me, Heero? Or did you come to finish her off?"
"Maybe both." The click of metal against metal echoed throughout the room. "Before that...tell me why you did it."
"Why I did what?"
"Her." Heero gestured towards Relena with his gun. "Out of all the women in the universe...why her?"
Duo raised his eyes and looked at his former friend for the first time since he had come into the room. "Tell me why you left her."
"Certainly not so she could be fucked over by you, Maxwell." Heero lowered his gun, but did not take his finger off the trigger. "I left so she'd be safe."
"You put her in the first hospital bed, Heero."
"And you put her in this one."
Duo looked at the ceiling. "Should we go around the circle again? Who fucked Relena over worse...you or me? It could go on for hours." He dropped his gaze back to meet Heero's. "Why did you come here?"
"I think you know." Heero reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a second gun. He tossed it to Duo and the braided man caught it, expertly. "It's loaded with one bullet. Just like this one." He lifted his own gun.
The other man turned the gun over in his hands, forgetting momentarily about his own gun. "You've got to be kidding, Heero. You want to duel? With me?"
"No...I want to kill you. I just don't think it's fair not to give you a fighting chance."
Duo began to laugh. He felt insane, laughing in the face of the Perfect Soldier, but Duo rarely listened to his inner voices when they told him to cool it. "You're going to kill me? Have you forgotten that *I've* shot *you* before...not the other way around?"
Heero raised his gun and aimed it directly at Duo's heart. "That can easily be remedied."
Out of instinct, Duo raised his own weapon. If Heero was serious, he could not afford to be caught off guard. "This is ridiculous, Heero. And you know it. You don't really want to kill me."
"I don't?"
"No." Duo kept the gun steady, pointed at Heero. "The only person you want to hurt is you. You hate yourself for what you did to her. And you want to punish me for it."
Heero tilted his head to the side, as if processing this. "I did what I did for Relena's sake."
"So did I." Duo smiled sadly.
"Maybe you two...should stop and ask me...what *I* want...from now on." The voice from the bed was soft, but strong.
Keeping their guns trained on one another, both men turned their heads to glance at Relena. Somehow, they had failed to notice her wake up and struggle to sit up. They watched as she painstakingly reached into Duo's coat and pulled out his gun. She looked it over for a moment, running her fingers over the silencer; both men were sure she had no idea what do with it.
To their surprise, Relena pulled out the clip, counted the bullets and snapped it back into place. She ignored the shooting pains in her wrists and lifted the gun. "I have six bullets. You both have one. Who has the better odds here?"
"Princess..." Duo took one hand off his gun and held out it out to her. "Give me the gun. This is between Heero and me."
Relena pointed the weapon at Duo. "I don't think so. This all started with Heero and *me*. I'm sorry for getting you involved in it, Duo."
Heero looked over the woman in the bed, supiciously. "Relena, put the gun down. You're not going to shoot either of us."
"Really?" She turned the gun on Heero. "Why shouldn't I shoot at least you? After all you did to me...isn't it only fair? A life for a life."
"I didn't kill you, Relena."
Relena shook her head. "You did worse. You killed our baby. You killed any chance of us ever having another one. And then you left me."
Heero's eyes narrowed. "I came back, didn't I?"
"On some half-cocked vengeance mission. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wanted Duo? Did you stop to think who was the seducer?"
"Princess, don't..."
Relena placed her finger on the trigger. "Shut up, Duo. I'm talking to Heero." She stared at the man in question. "So, why shouldn't I kill you, Heero?"
"Because..." Heero closed his eyes for a moment. "You love me."
The bullet shot past his ear, silently lodging itself in the white washed wall behind him. "Try again", she said calmly.
Duo blinked. "Fuck..."
Heero took a breath. "Because you care about me."
The second bullet flew dangerously close to his other ear, leaving another hole in the hospital's wall. "Get over yourself", Relena whispered.
There was a long moment of silence as the trio of former friends, situated in a circle, held each other at gunpoint. Duo broke the silence. "Did you ever play that game as a kid...?"
Relena seemed to read his mind. "Ring around the rosy....a pocket full of posey...."
"Ashes...ashes", the God of Death continued.
Heero finished. "We all fall down."
After another second, he threw his gun onto the blanket around Relena's legs. Duo followed suit. Relena added Duo's gun to the pile. A bright red spot of blood formed on each of her bandaged wrists, but she ignored it. "Duo...may I please speak to Heero alone?"
The braided man backed up a step. "Yeah. I'll go...check on Wufei." He bypassed Heero by a mile and opened the door. Before he could leave, he turned back around. "Princess..."
"I know, Duo. I'm sorry, too." Relena looked down at her lap. "I hope I haven't ruined things between you and Hilde."
He gave her a Duo Maxwell shrug. "Takes two to fuck something up, Relena." With that thought, he left them alone.
"He's right, you know", Relena said after several agonizing minutes of silence. She touched the bloody spots on her bandages. "I've been putting all the blame onto you...for so long. I forgot about my own part in it all."
Heero didn't move. "Your part?"
Relena nodded. "I should have told you I was pregnant long before that day. I dumped it all onto you and expected you to be..." She searched for the words. "...unaffected. And when you reacted like a normal man, I blamed you for it."
He was a long time in replying. "A normal man would have been happy. A normal man would have watched you even more carefully. A normal man..." He took a breath. "...would have wanted to be a father."
"I don't want a normal man, Heero!" Hot tears flooded her eyes. "All I've ever wanted was you....with all your abnormalties. Just you." She bit her lip. "And the only thing I ever asked for was your love."
Heero looked down at his hands. "I don't understand. Why?"
Laughter broke through Relena's tears. "I used to ask myself that all the time." She raised her shoulders. "There is no answer. Just give up looking for one, Heero. Life is short."
He looked at her darkly. "It's even shorter when you take a razor blade to your wrists."
"I'm getting a lecture on suicide from Heero Yuy?"
The smile that appeared on his lips shocked even Heero himself. "I really hate it when you make me feel human."
Relena returned the smile. "I really love it when you are."
He thought for a moment before dragging a chair over to the side of the bed and sitting down. "Go to sleep, Relena. You need to sleep."
"Will you be here when I wake up?" Before he could answer, she continued. "No...it's all right. You don't have to make me any promises."
Heero crossed his arms over his chest. "Sleep."
Relena lay back against the pillows and closed her eyes. After a second, her eyes opened. "Wait....you *owe* me some promises, damnit!"
He leaned forward. "I don't have any promises to give you, Relena. You have no reason to trust me with your heart or your life."
"So...why do I?"
"You do for the same reasons why I do the things I do."
Relena licked the corner of her dry lip. "Love?"
He didn't reply. But then...he didn't really have to.
*****