A/N: I couldn't resist. Hopefully you will at least chuckle. And if you don't like Austin Powers…perhaps this is not the fic for you…
Disclaimer: I don't own either Austin Powers or any of the Harry Potter characters...
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(Scene opens with ominous dark music. The camera pans
into a dim cave. Underneath is the subtitle: SOMEWHERE NEAR BULGARIA: 1967.
The cave is lit with flickering torches, but oddly enough
there is an oversized conference table down the middle of the room with a
myriad of scary looking EVIL ASSOCIATES sitting around it in dark
cloaks.
The camera angles on a long pale bony finger. It is wearing a ring with the Dark Mark insignia on it. It is stroking a green snake.)
VOLDEMORT:
(His face remains unseen—only his hands and the snake are shown.)
Gentlemen, are we all here? Good. As you know my plot to hijack the Sorcerer's Stone and take over the world has failed. Again. This organization WILL NOT TOLERATE FAILURE!
(The bony hand picks up a long thin wand and begins to
screech "Avada Kedavra! over and over again. The various EVIL ASSOCIATES
crumble to in their seats, dead, and then burst into flames for dramatic
affect. Their chairs remain empty and smoking.)
VOLDEMORT:
Victor Krum…
(Camera pans in on KRUM. Even though he is Bulgaria, he wears a red fez for some reason.)
VOLDEMORT:
Frau McGonagall…
(Camera pans in on MCGONAGALL who is wearing a severe button down uniform.)
VOLDEMORT:
I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. We must go to Hogsmeade. I've set a trap for…HARRY POTTER!
*******
(The camera cuts to a street in Hogsmeade. It focuses on a pair of Beatle boots and purple crushed velvet pants walking down the street in a jaunty rhythm, à la Saturday Night Fever. The camera then pans up to reveal HARRY POTTER, International Wizard of Mystery. He's a swinger, with medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears crooked glasses, with a piece of tape through the middle. He grins widely revealing some severely fucked up teeth PARVATI PATIL and LAVENDER BROWN pose for him as he snaps pictures.)HARRY:
Yeah baby, yeah…show me love…pout for me baby! Show me shoulder…Yes! Yes! And…done. I'm spent. (He hands the camera to a reporter for Witches Weekly.)PARVATI:
(suggestively)
We could have another session…back in the girl's dormitory…HARRY:
(grinning toothily)Oh BEHAVE!(A gaggle of Hufflepuff girls spot Harry Potter. They begin to scream excitedly.)
GIRL:
Oh my God! It's him! It's Harry Potter!(HARRY races off from them, as a huge crowd gathers in his pursuit. Suddenly he breaks into a funky groove leading them in a swinging dance to some upbeat theme song music. All of a sudden a car pulls up. A humongous Union Jack is painted on its hood. A grinning redhead sits in it. RON beckons for him to hurry up. HARRY dives in and the car takes to the sky.)
HARRY:
Hullo Ron. Stolen the car, I see.RON:
Hullo Harry. (winks at him) Don't tell mum, she'll have a fit after what happened to the Ford Angelina…
(Suddenly a beeping sound emerges from the glove compartment. Harry taps it with his wand, and it opens with a stream of bright sparks. The head of PERCY WEASLEY, of the ministry of magic floats in front of them, somewhat transparent, like an apparition. He looks distinguished, with horn-rimmed glasses and dark robes.)
PERCY:
Hullo Harry…Ron. This is Percy Weasley, with Magic Intelligence. (Harry nods meaningfully. Ron looks annoyed.) RON:
I know that you prat! You're my brother.
PERCY:
I just want to extremely clear so that everyone knows what is going on at any given time. We've just received word that Dr. You-Know-Who is planning to take over the world.HARRY:
(aghast)
Dr. You-Know-Who? I thought I got rid of him already five times!PERCY:
(Shakes his head sadly)
I'm afraid not Harry. Earlier this week, Dr. You-Know-Who regained his powers. He has set a trap for you in the Magic Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club here in swinging Hogsmeade.HARRY:
(bravely)
Right. I'll be there.PERCY:
Oh and Harry…be careful!
**************
(It is night. The jaguar pulls up in front of the Magic Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club. The club is swinging…all kinds of groovy cats in go-go boots and mod-style clothes sway to the psychedelic sounds. RON and HARRY enter the club dramatically dressed in matching blue crushed velvet suits and lace cravats. HARRY has gold chain with "male" symbol hanging from his neck. He greets the people in the club by shaping his fingers like a gun and clicking.)
HARRY:
(surveying the scene)
Yeah baby! I'm so hip…I can't see past my pelvis! (A large group of wizards gather around him to dance…the majority of them mod girls in go-go boots. Harry starts to bust a move.)
RON:
But Harry…we've got to find Dr. You-Know-Who! HARRY:
(puts his hand to his chin thoughtfully)
Wait…I've got an idea. (He suddenly turns around and slugs PANSY PARKINSON. She falls to the floor unconscious.)RON:
(flabbergasted)
Harry! Why did you hit Pansy! She's a girl.
HARRY:
She's no girl! She's a man, man! (He pulls off the wig from the head of the male assassin who somehow replaced the girl who was there before. Everyone gasps, as he stands up brandishing his wand.)
HARRY:
Stupefy!
(The man falls the ground, stunned. Everyone cheers. RON notices something in the balcony. Camera pans to bony hand, with Dark Mark ring on finger. It points a wand at HARRY yelling, "Avada Kedavra!")
RON:
Harry! Watch out!(Burst of green light shoots out at Harry. But instead of killing Harry it bounces back off of his scar hitting VOLDEMORT head on.)HARRY:
(yawning)
C'mon Dr. You-Know-Who! You know that stuff doesn't work on me!VOLDEMORT:
Aw, fuck. (He starts to slink off, but Harry and Ron follow in hot pursuit. They find him in a back room, sitting in an egg-shaped chair. VOLDEMORT is bony, as pale as death, and has two little red slits for eyes and two snake-like slits for nostrils.)HARRY:
(pointing his wand at chair)
I've got you again Dr. You-Know-Who! VOLDEMORT:
(cackles)
Not this time Harry Potter! Come Mr. Nagina. (The green snake slithers into his lap.) See you in the future…Potter.
(VOLDEMORT wraps a time turner around his neck, and turns in over three times. For no apparent reason the walls begin to shudder and quake dramatically as loud ominous music blares in the background. Harry begins to yell curses, as sparks fly from his wand, all of them missing their mark. A huge cloud of mist congeals around chair…and clears…revealing that it has disappeared..)
*********
(Camera pans in on VOLDEMORT as he spins through the swirling vortex of time travel.)
VOLDEMORT:
(voice over)
I'll be back Potter…when free love is gone…and greed and avarice rule again! (whines) This is making me so frickin' dizzy…
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A/N: Ummmm….so yeah. Review it if you want. Perhaps I will write more? If enough people like it that is. Read my other fics…they are a lot better, I swear!