A/N: God only knows why I am keeping this fic up…read and review. Oh and obviously every single person in this fic is totally out of character…but maybe there is a reason for this…(Or maybe I'm just being random- you decide.) J
Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or Austin Powers…
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(Scene opens with HERMOINE
GRANGER, of the Ministry of Magic entering the headmaster's office at Hogwarts.
She is dressed smartly in perfectly pressed robes and is holding a briefcase.
DUMBLERDORE greets her with a shake of the hand. PERCY is also present.)
DUMBLEDORE:
Ah Agent Granger. So glad you could come.
HERMIONE:
(sitting down in a chair in front of the desk.)
Why have you called me here, sir? I hear that it involves…Harry Potter.
DUMBLEDORE:
Indeed it does. A few years back there was an unfortunate accident with a powerful time turner, a very potent aging potion, a wormhole in the time space continuum…and a bag of Bertie's Every Flavor Beans.
HERMIONE:
(confused)
Bertie's Every Flavor Beans?
DUMBLEDORE:
(nods cryptically)
They seem to have very powerful side effects.
HERMIONE:
(still confused)
But of course…
DUMBLEDORE:
Due to this accident…(clears his throat) Harry Potter and a collection of other random individuals were whisked away to 1967, a time of "swingers" and psychedelic trips…(nods reminiscing, a happy grin plastered to his face).
Dr. You-Know-Who tried once again to kill Harry Potter…but he failed, and transported himself to the future. Harry Potter is the only one to stop him…so we devised a cunning plan to bring him back as well.
PERCY:
We need you Agent Granger, to help acclimate Harry Potter back into the 2000s.
HERMIONE:
(annoyed)
Oh just stop being a git Perce! What is this "Agent Granger" stuff? I've known you all of my life!
PERCY:
(ignoring her)
We must go to the Hospital Wing. Harry Potter, International Wizard of Mystery should be there any moment.
************
(Cut to VOLDEMORT'S evil lair. Again we see the conference table with the EVIL ASSOCIATES. Ominous music blares.)
VOLDEMORT:
(face is again unseen)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a long time, but I'm back. It has all gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. Because of a technical error with the time turner…complications arose.
(Camera pans in on KRUM. He is still wearing the red fez, and is sweating nervously.)
KRUM:
(in thick Bulgarian accent)
Vut my design vas perfect…
VOLDEMORT:
(shrilly)
LOOK AT MR. NAGINA!!!!!
(The formerly large and imposing cobra has transformed into a harmless green garden snake, barely wider than Voldemort's pinky. KRUM gulps.)
KRUM:
(quaking)
Ve could not haf anticipated
reptilian complications in the reanimation process…
VOLDEMORT:
Silence! I will not tolerate insolence!
(Points wand at KRUM, yelling "Avada Kedavra!". He is stunned to death and bursts into flames for dramatic effect like others. His burned body falls down shoot into pit below.)
VOLDEMORT:
Let this be a reminder that this organization will not tolerate failure…
(We here muffled screams from below.)
VOLDEMORT:
Right. Let's get down to business people…
(He is interrupted by a muffled voice from below.)
KRUM:
(from below)
Could someone please help me? I am still alive….I haf only veen very vadly vurned…
VOLDEMORT:
As I was saying…
KRUM:
(from below)
Hello! Is anyvoby up there?
VODLEMORT:
Some of you I know…some of you I
am meeting for the first time…
KRUM:
(from below)
Can one of you call a mediwizard? I veally am in a lot of pain…
(VOLDEMORT looks annoyed. He flicks his wand and two Death Eaters Apparate in front of him. He whispers to them in an undertone and they Disapparate.)
KRUM:
(from below)
I veally think that I can valk…if one you up there could just open the hatch down here I can get out…(we hear approaching footsteps.) Oh thank you all…you haf come to help me. I am very vadly vurned so if you could just…
(We hear someone yell "Avada
Kedavra!".)
KRUM:
(muffled)
Ow! You tried to kill me…
VOLDEMORT:
Right. Okay…moving along…
KRUM:
You missed! I can't believe you missed….
(We hear someone doing the killing curse once again. VOLDEMORT waits expectantly. There is only silence.)
VOLDEMORT:
Right. All of you have been gathered to form my…evil cabinet. Let me go around the table to introduce everyone. Frau McGonagall…
(Angle in on MCGONAGALL who glares sternly into camera.)
VOLDEMORT:
(continues)
Founder of the militant wing of the Parent Teacher's Association…and Seamus Finnagan, Hogwarts student turned Irish Assassin…
(Angle on SEAMUS who is wearing a cloak of brilliant green.)
VOLDEMORT:
A superstitious man…Seamus always leaves a four-leaf clover on the victims he kills…he says that it gives him luck. The Ministry of Magic would love to find the secret behind his powerful charms….
SEAMUS:
(nodding)
Yeah, they're always after me lucky charms.
(Editors Note: There is no laughter at all. Of course, with a group of wizards, this coincidental statement would not be related in any way to a kid's cereal campaign ad.)
VOLDEMORT:
Finally we come to my most faithful servant…my number two man. I call him…Number Two.
(Camera pans in on MAD EYE MOODY. He has an eye patch over his magical eye.)
VOLDEMORT:
For thirty years Number Two has been running Bertie's Every Flavor Beans…the legitimate face of my evil empire.
MAD EYE:
(clears his throat)
Uh, sir…I would prefer if you would NOT call me number two…my name is Alastor…
VOLDEMORT:
(brandishing his wand threateningly)
I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR INSOLENCE!
MAD EYE:
(nervously)
Of course sir…And as for our business, Bertie's Every Flavor Beans—it has grown in the past three decades by leaps and bounds. We own over a hundred factories across the continent. Sales are up by 150% and our stock constantly tops the Wizard Stock Exchange. We are truly a multi-billion galleon industry.
VOLDEMORT:
(nods pleased)
Keep this up and we may upgrade you to Number One. (MAD EYE bobs his head courteously.)
And now for my cunning plan to kill Harry Potter…I suggest a new approach; we should invoke an ancient terror. I propose that we give a diary containing memories of my past self in it to an innocent first year Gryffindor at Hogwarts…let him or her open the Chamber of Secrets…and thus lure Potter in…ALLOWING HIM TO BE KILLED BY THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN!
(VOLDEMORT puts his pinky to his lip and cackles, impressed with his cunningness. There is an uncomfortable pause.)
MAD EYE:
Uh, Dr. You-Know-Who…this same thing happened a couple of years ago actually. You did try to kill Harry Potter that way…it didn't work at all.
VOLDEMORT:
(annoyed)
Ok people, I have just traveled forward thirty years in the spinning vortex of time. Work with me people…throw me a frickin' bone here. (pauses)
Well no matter…I have yet another cunning plan. (chuckles) Oh this is good…we will recommend that Hogwarts reinstate the Triwizard Competition…and have a spy place Potter's name in the "Goblet of Fire." (Pauses emphatically, and actually does the quotation marks with his fingers). Once his name is inside of this "Goblet of Fire" Potter has to participate in the competition…so we can during the last task we can transport him to us via portkey…WHERE I CAN DUEL WITH HIM TO HIS DEATH!
(VOLDEMORT places pinky to lips, apparently proud of his genius.)
MAD EYE:
Uh sir, you tried that too.
VOLDEMORT:
(surprised)
Is that right?
MAD EYE:
Yeah it failed miserably…the whole Priori Incantetem deal…it was a big mess.
VOLDEMORT:
(simply)
Shit.
(Shrugs) Well I guess we can just do what we always do…hijack the minister of magic… ask for a huge ransom…and kill Potter when he comes to save the day. Is that ok with everyone? (looks around as most of the EVIL ASSOCIATES shrug in assent.) Right. Anything else?
MCGONAGALL:
Remember how we froze your semen so a part of you could live forever?
VOLDEMORT:
Well…yes.
MCGONAGALL:
Well, a few years back we decided to do something with it. Dr. You-Know-Who, I would like you to meet your son.
VOLDEMORT:
My son?
MCGONAGALL:
(bellows)
DRACO!
(DRACO MALFOY walks in accompanied by loud rock music. He looks confused.)
DRACO:
What the hell am I doing here?
VOLDEMORT:
(brimming with tears)
My son…(reaches out arms for a hug)
DRACO:
What the bloody hell?? I AM NOT YOUR SON!!!!
VOLDEMORT;
(overflowing with pride)
Look everyone! I have a son! I have a son! Come on, Draco, why don't you give daddy a hug.
DRACO:
No!
VOLDEMORT:
(pleading)
Oh come on!
DRACO:
(spits out)
HELL NO!!
VOLDEMORT:
Come here, you little shit.
DRACO:
(disgusted)
Get away from me, you FREAK!
VOLDEMORT:
What is it? It is that I am not good enough for you…is it that I am not "with it" as you youngsters say. Look, I'm hip…I'm cool…(Tries to do a rather stiff impression of the Macarena.) See I am…getting jiggy with it…I can throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don't care…
DRACO:
OH MY GOD!!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!
(runs out of the room shrieking)
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Hahaha…well just review it. If I write more (maybe I should just stop now while
I am ahead???)…Harry Potter, International Wizard of Mystery will meet Agent
Hermione Granger…should be interesting ;).