Title: Time For Letting Go (1/1)
Author: Melissa
Email: princessbuffy79@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Come on, if I owned any of these characters, would I be
begging anyone to please read my stories? Sadly, Buffy and co. are
owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, The WB, and whoever
else holds rights. I'm just borrowing them for my own twisted
pleasure for the moment. K.O.??? Also, the song is "I Can't Make You Love Me" sang by Bonnie Raitt and written by M. Reid and A. Shamblin.
Summary: Someone must let go
Spoilers: None really, but events up to "Replacement" may be mentioned
Distribution: If you want it, go ahead. Just let me know where it's going.
Feedback: OK, I've had my first taste of feedback and it's like a
drug. I'm addicted. Don't cut me off.
**Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head**
I sense her presence in the room, long before she lies down on the bed for the second time tonight. She moves quietly, hoping that I am still asleep. I humor her, keeping my eyes closed and my breathing shallow. I don't want her to feel bad for waking me. But I've been awake for a while now, ever since she went out. Hunting, I'm sure. She thinks I don't know about her late night trysts with the undead. But I do. And it bothers me more than I thought it would. What is it that makes her leave the safety of home to go out to fight again?
It's not like she has not already gone patrolling. We do that every night before returning home to collapse in bed. Together. But lately, she gets up again after she believes I have fallen asleep. I hear her tiptoeing around the room, gathering weapons and then slipping out the door. The quiet click of the door has become a sound of horror for me. Every time she leaves, I fear that it will be the last time. Why does she have to go out alone? Away from me? Where I cannot protect her?
**Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize- don't patronize**
Buffy cuddles closer too me, burrowing her head into my shoulder. I wait until she is asleep before I open my eyes. God, she's beautiful. Her blond waves fall over delicate features. I close my eyes and picture her gorgeous green eyes and wide smile. Does she know how beautiful she is? I don't think she does. I often tell her that she looks great, but she just smiles a wistful smile and thanks me. But the smile never reaches her eyes.
She moans a bit in her sleep and wraps her arm around my waist, pulling me closer. I sigh and let my arm fall across her petite form. This should be perfect. Here I am, lying in the arms of the girl I love. But it's not. Perfect, that is. It can't be because she doesn't love me.
**Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't**
"I love you," I whisper to her sleeping form. The faint flicker of a smile falls upon her lips. I wonder whom she's dreaming about. I know it's not me. Oh, how I wish it were.
My heart aches with longing. I have waited my entire life for "the one." And I finally found her. I know that. Deep down inside, I know that Buffy is THE one for me. She is far from perfect, but she's mine. I love each little flaw. Without them, she wouldn't be the person she is. I have grown to love each imperfection as much as I love her. Maybe more. But the one flaw I cannot love is the fact that she doesn't love me.
Buffy doesn't love me. I know that. She acts like the perfect girlfriend both around others and when we are alone together. To outsiders, we are the perfect couple. Xander even told me once that he was envious of what we have. But he doesn't see what I see. I see that when she smiles at me, it doesn't reach her eyes. I hear the soft undertones of "what if" when she speaks to me. I also hear her cry his name when she sleeps. I know whom she longs for. And it isn't me.
**I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me**
I close my eyes again and take a deep breath. I wonder if he knows how often she thinks about him. What would happen if I told him? Would he believe me? Probably not. He believes that she is in love with me. But it's an act, a sham. Her heart has always belonged to him. I have her in the physical sense, but I want more. I need more.
**Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight**
My eyes open my gaze drifts over to the packed bags lying in the deep shadows. I will leave her tomorrow. I don't want to. God knows I don't want to. But I have to. I cannot go on living this lie. It hurts too much.
I feel the tears building up, but I will not let them fall. I can't lose control now, or I'll never have the strength to leave. To leave her. To leave my heart.
**Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't**
Will she cry? Will she miss me? Questions run through my mind, but there are no answers. Will she run to him? Will he comfort her? Does she even know whom her heart longs for? Who she dreams of at night? I don't know, but I don't want to know. The truth would probably hurt me more. If that is possible.
But for now, Buffy is mine. I tighten my grip on her. She changes position within the circle of my arms. I bend my head and kiss her forehead. Tomorrow, I will leave. I will. But for now…