Title: Bittersweet Memories (1/1) Story 2 in the "One Night" Trilogy
Author: Melissa
Email: princessbuffy79@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Come on, if I owned any of these characters, would I be
begging anyone to please read my stories? Sadly, Buffy and co. are
owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, The WB, and whoever
else holds rights. I'm just borrowing them for my own twisted
pleasure for the moment. K.O.???
Summary: Buffy reflects on who she has become
Spoilers: None really, but events up to "Replacement" may be mentioned
Distribution: If you want it, go ahead. Just let me know where it's going.
Feedback: Feedback is good, very good.
I wait for him to fall asleep. Once I realize his breathing has slowed, I slowly place my feet on the cold, hard floor. Quietly, I gather my clothes, which are strung about the room in a haphazard manner. I get dressed quickly and let myself out of the room. The door closes with a loud click and I wince. I hope he didn't wake up.
Walking down the hall, I let out a deep breath. I didn't realize I had been holding it. Sneaking out at home had been easy, but when someone shares a bed with you, it is so much harder. But I just can't sleep. I am wound up. I need to fight. Anything to occupy my mind, keep it busy. Right now, I don't want to think about anything but slaying. My sacred duty has more of a blessing than a curse. It's something to do when I can't sleep.
The bitter wind attacks my body as I step out into the night. Shivering, I wrap my arms around my body and pull my jacket tighter. The night matches my mood. I feel dark inside, a void deep inside that cannot be filled. I knew what I had to do, but it would hurt someone I love.
"Love" is such a simple word. But its meaning is so complex. People toss about the word "love" like it is nothing. It's not nothing to me, it's everything. I cannot say, "I love you," to anyone without knowing completely that it is the truth. It would not be fair to me or to the other person.
Riley told me the other night that he loves me and I know that he meant it. Riley Finn loves me. And what did I do? I said "thanks." How horrible am I? He loves me and that is all I can say? But I couldn't say what I really felt. 'Gee, Riley. That's great. You love me. Well, I don't love you. In fact, I'm in love with someone else.' That would have crushed him.
I can see the cemetery up ahead. I used to resent this place and everything it represented. I am the Slayer, the Chosen One. It is my job to fight the things that go bump in the night. The cemetery holds so many memories. Memories of fighting demons, slaying vampires, and terror. I remember a make-out session with Angel that happened over on that tombstone, a study session with Willow next to that tree, and a heart-to-heart with Xander in the crypt that stands before me.
I walk towards the crypt and hesitate on the steps. I can't bring myself to go in. I don't want to desecrate the memory with my presence. It would turn the beautiful thought into something dark, something evil. That is how I see myself now. Dracula was right. My power is centered on darkness, and lately, the light has been dimming. I have become such a horrible person, a bitch. I cannot believe my friends are still there for me. This past year has been a nightmare. I was so wrapped up in myself; I didn't bother to notice that they were going through some rough times as well.
I sit on the cold stone step and cover my face with my hands. I can't stop the tears as they flow freely down my cheeks. The wind continues to blow and the salty tears freeze. But still I cry. I cry for who I was, who I am, and who I will never be again. I lost something this past year and I know deep down that I will never get it back. A part of me got lost in the bitterness over Angel's leaving.
But that does not excuse the person I became. I hurt my friends, but mostly, I just hurt myself. I wanted so desperately to prove Angel wrong that I threw myself at the first guy to pay attention to me. Big mistake. Then came Riley. Here was this perfectly nice, normal guy who was interested in me. And I can't find it in my heart to love him. It's just wrong. He could provide the nice, normal life Angel wanted for me, but it wasn't what I wanted. Instead of loving Riley and making my life perfect, I love HIM and now I don't know what to do. I can feel him slipping further and further away from me each day, but I don't know how to prevent it. Why can't I just love Riley?!?
Still sobbing, I take a deep breath. "Pull yourself together, Summers!" I whisper harshly to myself. I'm not going to solve anything by sitting here and blubbering like an idiot. Gathering my wits once again, I stand up and begin the trek back to Riley.
I had come out to hunt, but once again, I ended up thinking about him. I can't help it. He fills my every waking moment with his presence. But does he know? I doubt it. I'm sure he has finally moved on with his life and I am now just a person from his past. Sure, we'll still see each other, but will I ever see that look of adoration and love in his eyes again? I ruined whatever chances I had with him and now I have to live with that fact.
I slip quietly into the room. Riley looks so peaceful when he's asleep. I'm going to hurt him. I know what I have to do. Please, give me the strength to follow through. Riley deserves someone who will love him as much as I know he loves me. I am not worthy of his love. Or anyone else's. I don't believe I will be again until I learn to love myself. I must overcome this past year and try to regain a bit of the person I used to be. The one HE loved. The one HE could possibly love again.
I climb under the covers and snuggle closer to Riley. Closing my eyes, I allow my mind to wander. I know I will dream of him once more. I always do. At least, in my dreams, we are together. We are happy. Tomorrow, I will deal with Riley. But for now…
Author: Melissa
Email: princessbuffy79@hotmail.com
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Come on, if I owned any of these characters, would I be
begging anyone to please read my stories? Sadly, Buffy and co. are
owned by Joss, Mutant Enemy, 20th Century Fox, The WB, and whoever
else holds rights. I'm just borrowing them for my own twisted
pleasure for the moment. K.O.???
Summary: Buffy reflects on who she has become
Spoilers: None really, but events up to "Replacement" may be mentioned
Distribution: If you want it, go ahead. Just let me know where it's going.
Feedback: Feedback is good, very good.
I wait for him to fall asleep. Once I realize his breathing has slowed, I slowly place my feet on the cold, hard floor. Quietly, I gather my clothes, which are strung about the room in a haphazard manner. I get dressed quickly and let myself out of the room. The door closes with a loud click and I wince. I hope he didn't wake up.
Walking down the hall, I let out a deep breath. I didn't realize I had been holding it. Sneaking out at home had been easy, but when someone shares a bed with you, it is so much harder. But I just can't sleep. I am wound up. I need to fight. Anything to occupy my mind, keep it busy. Right now, I don't want to think about anything but slaying. My sacred duty has more of a blessing than a curse. It's something to do when I can't sleep.
The bitter wind attacks my body as I step out into the night. Shivering, I wrap my arms around my body and pull my jacket tighter. The night matches my mood. I feel dark inside, a void deep inside that cannot be filled. I knew what I had to do, but it would hurt someone I love.
"Love" is such a simple word. But its meaning is so complex. People toss about the word "love" like it is nothing. It's not nothing to me, it's everything. I cannot say, "I love you," to anyone without knowing completely that it is the truth. It would not be fair to me or to the other person.
Riley told me the other night that he loves me and I know that he meant it. Riley Finn loves me. And what did I do? I said "thanks." How horrible am I? He loves me and that is all I can say? But I couldn't say what I really felt. 'Gee, Riley. That's great. You love me. Well, I don't love you. In fact, I'm in love with someone else.' That would have crushed him.
I can see the cemetery up ahead. I used to resent this place and everything it represented. I am the Slayer, the Chosen One. It is my job to fight the things that go bump in the night. The cemetery holds so many memories. Memories of fighting demons, slaying vampires, and terror. I remember a make-out session with Angel that happened over on that tombstone, a study session with Willow next to that tree, and a heart-to-heart with Xander in the crypt that stands before me.
I walk towards the crypt and hesitate on the steps. I can't bring myself to go in. I don't want to desecrate the memory with my presence. It would turn the beautiful thought into something dark, something evil. That is how I see myself now. Dracula was right. My power is centered on darkness, and lately, the light has been dimming. I have become such a horrible person, a bitch. I cannot believe my friends are still there for me. This past year has been a nightmare. I was so wrapped up in myself; I didn't bother to notice that they were going through some rough times as well.
I sit on the cold stone step and cover my face with my hands. I can't stop the tears as they flow freely down my cheeks. The wind continues to blow and the salty tears freeze. But still I cry. I cry for who I was, who I am, and who I will never be again. I lost something this past year and I know deep down that I will never get it back. A part of me got lost in the bitterness over Angel's leaving.
But that does not excuse the person I became. I hurt my friends, but mostly, I just hurt myself. I wanted so desperately to prove Angel wrong that I threw myself at the first guy to pay attention to me. Big mistake. Then came Riley. Here was this perfectly nice, normal guy who was interested in me. And I can't find it in my heart to love him. It's just wrong. He could provide the nice, normal life Angel wanted for me, but it wasn't what I wanted. Instead of loving Riley and making my life perfect, I love HIM and now I don't know what to do. I can feel him slipping further and further away from me each day, but I don't know how to prevent it. Why can't I just love Riley?!?
Still sobbing, I take a deep breath. "Pull yourself together, Summers!" I whisper harshly to myself. I'm not going to solve anything by sitting here and blubbering like an idiot. Gathering my wits once again, I stand up and begin the trek back to Riley.
I had come out to hunt, but once again, I ended up thinking about him. I can't help it. He fills my every waking moment with his presence. But does he know? I doubt it. I'm sure he has finally moved on with his life and I am now just a person from his past. Sure, we'll still see each other, but will I ever see that look of adoration and love in his eyes again? I ruined whatever chances I had with him and now I have to live with that fact.
I slip quietly into the room. Riley looks so peaceful when he's asleep. I'm going to hurt him. I know what I have to do. Please, give me the strength to follow through. Riley deserves someone who will love him as much as I know he loves me. I am not worthy of his love. Or anyone else's. I don't believe I will be again until I learn to love myself. I must overcome this past year and try to regain a bit of the person I used to be. The one HE loved. The one HE could possibly love again.
I climb under the covers and snuggle closer to Riley. Closing my eyes, I allow my mind to wander. I know I will dream of him once more. I always do. At least, in my dreams, we are together. We are happy. Tomorrow, I will deal with Riley. But for now…