Written by Benoit Goudreault-Emond
5. Feelings are revealed
AVALANCHE spent the rest of the day moving whatever books Nanaki and Vincent thought may be relevant from the library to the Highwind. The village's inhabitants got out of their houses, intrigued by the proceedings. Their shouted questions were ignored; everyone in AVALANCHE knew answering them would just waste precious time. The villagers had tried to corner Nanaki until he answered their questions, but Nanaki's growl and show of teeth convinced them to leave AVALANCHE alone.
When the last set of books was loaded, it was getting dark. Everyone climbed up to the cockpit. Cid gunned the engines and lifted off.
"Where to, now?" he asked.
"I think Cosmo Canyon would be the most appropriate destination," said Nanaki. "The people there are scholars and could be a lot of help in our research."
There were murmurs of assents around. Cid had to admit it made sense.
"Awright!" he said, enthusiasm obvious in his voice. "Hang on to your seats, 'cuz we're OUTTA HERE!" And with that, he opened the throttle with as much force as he dared, launching the Highwind forward at an incredible speed. Barret, being the only person not braced (he had been talking to Marlene on his cell phone), flew to the back of the cockpit with a surprised cry. He ended his course on his rump, rather painfully.
"Goddammit, Highwind!" Barret bellowed. "Can't you fly properly like every other pilot?"
"Ah, don't be such a wuss, Wallace!" Cid admonished over his shoulder, clearly enjoying himself. "What's the fun in `flying properly,' anyways?"
"You get to destination in one piece," pointed out Vincent.
"Geez, you too? All right, all right, I get the message! I'll turn down the acrobatics," Cid promised grudgingly. Then, smiling mischievously over his shoulder, he added, "Until next time!"
Despite Cid's flying style (or maybe, thanks to it), they made it to Cosmo Canyon in record time. Nanaki left for his chambers to study the volumes he thought were the most relevant, leaving the rest to volunteer researchers who were interested in Shinra's notes. The rest of AVALANCHE sat around Cosmo Canyon's eternal flame, reminiscing.
"Why is it," Cid began, "that every time I look at that stupid bonfire, I feel like confessing all the stupid things I ever did?"
"Dunno. It's just like that. I feel the urge, too," Cloud admitted.
"Why don't you give in, then?" asked Reeve. "You always just look at that flame, saying nothing!"
Cloud shrugged. "Dunno. The urge passes after a time," Cloud explained.
"We know all about your idiocies, anyway," teased Tifa, smiling at him impishly.
Not knowing what to say, Cloud elected to say nothing.
"Hey, Reeve, did you try reaching Yuffie again?" asked Cid.
"Yes, but I still can't raise her. I get a carrier, I talk, but I can't hear anything," Reeve said.
"I'm sure we'll do fine without her," muttered Barret. Tifa, hearing this, gave him the eye. He ignored it.
The group fell into silence again. Surprisingly, it was Vincent who broke it.
"Tell us of your nightmares, Cloud," he asked.
Cloud tensed. "Why?" he demanded.
"Just do it," snapped Vincent.
"It's not something I enjoy talking about," said Cloud softly.
"Actually, you may sleep better if you tell someone," Tifa pointed out. "Exorcize the demons of your soul, or something to that effect."
Cloud hesitated, but eventually gave in. He began recounting his latest nightmare in which he mistook Aeris for Sephiroth. Hesitant at first, words were eventually tumbling out of his mouth on their own, as if they were alive. Finally, he was done with his tale and fell silent. Nobody talked for quite a while. Tifa was staring at him, a mixture of horror and pity easily visible on her face.
"I had no idea it was so bad," she whispered.
Nobody answered her. They all sat there in silence. Finally, Cloud sighed and tried to smile convincingly, but failed to convince anyone..
"Well, I don't know about all of you, but I'm going to see whether Tifa was right," he said. "See if I do sleep any better after talking about it." And with that, he got up and left for the inn. The others stayed, lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Tifa got up to join Cloud, possibly to talk to him before he went to sleep, and the others followed to the inn to check in for the night.
When Tifa was done chatting with Cloud, having successfully cheered him up, she lingered a bit at the bar, relaxing, a mild drink in front of her. She was wondering if there was anything she could do about those nightmares. But the more she thought about it, the more it seemed there was nothing she could do. As far as she could tell from her conversations with him, Cloud's nightmares were due to some sort of guilt. He felt guilty of having been too weak to stop Sephiroth. He knew that, rationally, there was nothing he could have done. However, in his heart, he felt he should have been able to stop him, at the very least by not giving him the Black Materia and starting this whole mess. As the lack of sleep took its toll, he came to believe that in his mind as well, doubting his memories, and, even more distressing, that of his friends.
Why does he feel so guilty about what happened to her? wondered Tifa. Because he loved her? Did he ever love me, besides that boyhood crush he had in the past? The thought made her cringe. She swallowed the rest of her drink in a single gulp, grimacing despite the fact that it was actually quite mild, and then walked to the inn's counter to check in.
There, the owner, a fortyish, burly woman, looked rather embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Miss Lockheart, but there are no more rooms left," she said.
"None at all?" asked Tifa, mortified.
The owner shook her head. "'Fraid not. There's some folks ever from Corel for some mining operation of some sort, and they're taking most of the rooms. Your friends had to share. I'm afraid you'll have to do the same. I believe Mr. Strife has a double bed room. Maybe you can ask him. Again, I'm sorry for the inconvenience," she said, looking genuinely sorry about it.
After a heated internal debate between her shyness and her common sense, she finally took the key the owner was offering her. Without a word, she climbed the stairs to Cloud's room, mentally prepping herself for the rather unusual request she was going to have to make. Despite all that mental preparation, she hesitated at Cloud's door, and considered just giving back the inn owner the key and sleeping in the Highwind. She resisted the urge to turn and run, thinking that after all she and Cloud had been through, there should be no problem at all in sleeping in the same room. Even if there was only one bed for both of them, this time.
But why was she getting cold feet?
As she stood there, debating with herself, the door opened, and out came Cloud, hair disheveled, wearing only pants and boots. He looked rather pleased to see her there.
"Tifa! Uh, what are you doing in front of my room?" he asked.
"Well, uh... It's rather complicated, but... I was wondering if... That is, whether I could..." she stammered.
"Come on, Tifa, out with it!" he snapped.
"... sleep in your room." she finally managed to answer. God, that sounds so unlike what I meant! she thought, horrified of what he would think.
Cloud's eyebrows shot up. "Huh?" he said intelligently.
"Well, there's no rooms left in the inn, so I have to share with someone," she explained. "Apparently, you have a double bed?" she asked hopefully.
"Oh," he answered. Was that a trace of disappointment she could hear in his voice? Probably just her imagination. "Sure, Tifa. Come on in."
"Thank you," she said, genuinely grateful.
Cloud held the door, motioning her inside. He closed the door, then turned to Tifa. "Well, which side of the bed do you want?"
"Oh, I don't care," replied Tifa immediately.
"OK, so I'll pick the right, you take the left," suggested Cloud.
With that settled, Cloud took off his pants and boots and, clad in underwear, slid under the covers after blowing the flame of his candle off. Tifa stripped to her underwear as well, checking once in a while to see whether Cloud was peeking (and wondering whether she should really be hoping that he were peeking), slid under the covers as well and blew the flame of her own candle.
"Good night, Cloud," she said.
"G'mphifa," he replied, already dozing.
Fate is bizarre, Tifa mused while slowly falling asleep. Here I am, in my hero's bed, something I have dreamt of for a while... and we're both going to sleep as if we were just brother and sister. Where did I go wrong?
Cloud was standing some distance from Aeris. Only, she was not praying; she was crying in front of the Lifestream, her back to him. She felt she had done a terrible evil. Cloud knew what that evil was, of course, everyone knew. Why couldn't he remember it? He did not know. But he knew the only way to fix this was...
Aeris felt his presence, turned around to look at him. Her cheeks were wet with tears. She did not dare look at him. She asked him to kill her.
Cloud did not realize that he would grant her wish until the sword---his sword--was whistling down towards her.
Cloud cried out, sat up, and placed his head between his hands, for the third time in two days. Tifa, next to him, was woken up by the scream and his sudden movement. Still groggy, she sat up and laid her hand on Cloud's shoulder trying to reassure him.
"Was it bad?" she asked him softly.
Cloud only nodded, still shaken by the dream's last image. Eventually, he composed himself and managed to talk, although he was trembling. "It doesn't make sense... This time, no Sephiroth. Just her and me. She asks me to kill her, and I do," he said. "It doesn't make sense..." he repeated, voice drifting off.
Tifa tried to comfort him, hugging him and saying nonsense phrases like "It'll be all right." Eventually, Cloud calmed down, but Tifa could see he was still very much shaken. He was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
"Am I losing it, Tifa?" he asked, fear in his voice. "Am I slowly going insane?"
"I don't know, Cloud," she replied softly. "I just don't know. But what I do know is that I'm here. I'm here, Cloud. I won't let you down. I didn't in the past, and I won't in the future. Remember that!"
He shuddered one last time and seemed to piece himself together. His back straightened. He looked at her, very serious. "Thanks, Tifa. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here. I... I can't thank you enough for all you've---"
"Shh," she shushed him, putting her index finger to his lips. "It's all right. You don't need to say anything."
Cloud nodded. He then looked away, seemingly embarrassed. Finally, he got up, a slight smile on his lips, his eyes betraying nothing of his state of mind. The old Cloud was back with her. "What do you say we go downstairs to eat with the others?" he asked.
"I say that's a good idea," she replied. He's still holding on, she thought. He's still trying to appear unhurt, even after I've seen in how bad a shape he truly is. Can I really blame him? she wondered.
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Benoit Goudreault-Emond April, 9 2001