The Fav Match
A Deathmatch of Regicide's favorite characters...and some characters which just need to get the shit knocked outta them
The Fighters
Johnny Knoxville from Jackass
Tom Green from the old 'Tom Green Show'
Lil' Devil my own character
Guybrush Threepwood from The Monkey Island games
Rosie O' Donnel (in the new 'Bitch Mode') from movies and 'The Rosie O' Donnel Show'
David Spade from movies and 'Just Shoot Me'
Brad Pitt (in Tyler Durden form from Fight Club)
Regis Philbin from annoying shows
Jeff Probst from 'Survivor'
[We open within a warehouse containing a wide, deep pit of dirt surrounded by barbwire with signs marked 'HIGH VOLTAGE' on them. A crowd surrounds the pit, cheering wildly. Two people sit up on a booth in-between the crowd. One man has sleek black hair and a wide smile. The other one has messy red hair and sunglasses on. A small smirk on his face.]
Man1: Welcome to 'Regicide Death Match!'. I'm Jeff Roberts and this is my partner Red Riener!
Red: Yo.
Jeff: Well, we don't need introductions, but the fighters do!
Red: Er..Jeff, we gotta tell people why we're doing this.
Jeff: Oh, right. Regicide only written one story for Fanfiction.net, plus he was bored. So, we thought it would be cool to have his favorite stars and most hated enemies beat each other to bloody pulps.
Red: Toonopolis.tv, in which Regicide got the idea, sponsors us.
Jeff: But it's not plagiarism!
Red: No way, Toonopolis is an RPG. This is a fanfic in which...well...we told you already.
Jeff: Many times.
Red: NOW we can begin.
Jeff: Our first fighter is Regicide's creation, used in Toonopolis. He's our favorite chaotic Demon...LIL' DEEEEEEVIIIIIIIL!
[Electricity shoots through the wires around the pit. Flames shoot up from the floor as Lil' Devil rises up into the air, his trusty bat in his hand. Lil Devil jumps off on to the ground as the fire subsides.]
Jeff: Next up is MTV's own jackass...JOHNNY KNOOOOOOOOOOOXVIIIIIIIIIIILE!
[Falling down, screaming, from the rafters is Mister Jackass himself, Johnny Knoxville. He obviously hurts himself on the landing, but is back up in no time.]
Red: Washed up freak on no leash, though many people have considered a leash for TOOOOOOOOM GREEEEEEEEEEN!
[Tom Green comes out, twitching madly. He grabs hold of the wire and gets shocked full of electricity. He falls into the pit, still twitching,]
Jeff: The wanna-be pirate GUYBRUSH THREEEEEEEEEEEEPWOOOOOOOD!
[Coming out, waving around his rapier, is Guybrush Threepwood. He jumps over the wire, into the pit.]
Red: Featured in the new 'Bitch Mode'...ROSIE O' DOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEL!
[The lights flicker off as a pair of glowing red eyes drifts toward the pit. As the lights flash on again, we can see an evil looking Rosie O' Donnel in the pit.]
Jeff: Little guy DAVID SPAAAAAAADE!
[David Spade casually enters the pit, smiling confidently.]
Red: In his Fight Club form, BRAAAAAAAD PIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
[Tyler Durden's alter ego does a free fall into the pit. He falls on to the floor and flips up, ready to fight.]
Jeff: The most hated and most annoying host...REGIS PHIIIIIIILBIIIIIIIN!
[Regis Philbin, smiling his wide smile, enters the pit.]
Red: Our last fighter, hopefully a REAL survivor.... JEFF PROOOOOOOBST!
[Jeff Probst, coming in to the tune to Survivor, enters the pit.]
Jeff: Let's get this rumble going!
[A loud ringing noise echoes through the pit, and the chaos begins.]
Red: Looks like Lil Devil is starting the show off by heading straight for Guybrush with his bat.
Jeff: And in another part of the pit Johnny Knoxville and Tyler Durden and going at it like crazy!
Red: Lil swings the bat, but Guybrush blocks it with his.... sword thingie.
Jeff: A rapier.
Red: Whatever. Anyway, Lil takes another swing and the rapier is knocked out of Guybrush's hand!
Jeff: Its going right for David Spade and Tom Green!
David: ITS COMING RIGHT FOR US!
[Name that Quote!]
Red: Spade ducks but Tom Green isn't quick enough!
Jeff: It goes right into his neck!
Red: I guess he's the first one down.
Jeff: Not by a long shot! Tom Green is smiling mischievously!
Red: He's still alive?
Jeff: Tom Green is unpredictable. He's likely to last through out the fight.
Red: Well, it looks like Lil is beating up Guybrush.
Jeff: Tom Green is heading for Tyler and Knoxville!
Red: This cant be at all good! Everyone knows Jackass replaced the Tom Green Show!
Jeff: Tom pulls out a butcher knife!
Red: He jumps up and slashes Knoxville's arm off!
Jeff: Knoxville is waving his arm around and-
Red: Something on a motorcycle jumped over the wire into the pit!
Jeff: Its Wee-Man! Jackass's midget!
Red: Wee-man runs over Tom Green!
Jeff: I think he'll be doing that for a while.
Red: Hm, what else is going on down there?
Jeff: Its Probst and Philbin!
Red: A showdown!
Jeff: Survivor was able to literally destroy Millionaire...Looks like Regis is able to get back at Probst.
Red: Not is Probst has his way!
[Jeff Probst picks up a bazooka and grabs Rosie O' Donnel. He shoves her into the bazooka and fires it at Regis Philbin.]
Jeff: SWEET LORD! Rosie just ate Regis!
Red: Cannibalism is a serious thing... That's why we have programs like Truth to get kids off it.
Jeff: Uh...Truth is for smoking..
Red:....SHUT UP!
Jeff: Probst looks happy with the quick death for Regis.
Red: Tell me about it. Rosie is one fast eater.
Jeff: But I don't think she liked being stuffed into a bazooka.
Red: How can you tell?
[Rosie takes a bite out of Jeff Probst's arm.]
Jeff: Just a guess...
Red: Let's check out another pair while Jeff defends himself from Rosie.
Jeff: Looks like Lil' Devil is heading for David Spade.
Red: But Spade is up in Lil's face with his big mouth.
Jeff: Not a good idea! Lil raises his bat-
Red: But Spade runs off!
Jeff: There's Guybrush Threepwood looking for his rapier!
Red: He found it! It's next to Tom Green, who is still being tossed around by Wee-Man on the motorcycle.
Jeff: Guybrush goes for it but Lil' Devil steps on it!
Red: He turns it with his foot, sending dirt into Guybrush's eyes! He's blinded!
Jeff: He stumbles toward Wee-Man and the motorcycle!
Red: Wee-Man is sent crashing into a wall as the bike crashes with Guybrush!
Jeff: Looks like Knoxville is ready to get back at Tom Green.
Red: He's pulling out a paintball gun! Knoxville has had some experience with those things.
Jeff: Looks like he's had some experience with aiming! Every paintball is dead on target, breaking through the skin of Tom Green.
Red: He's got scars everywhere! He's bleeding all over!
Jeff: When is he gonna die?
Red: Three moves is the charm. He's only been hit by two attacks.
Jeff: Tyler Durden is looking about for someone to fight.
Red: His eye's fall upon Lil' Devil!
Jeff: With a mighty leap Tyler has Lil on the ground.
Red: He's beating Lil into the ground.
Jeff: But Lil throws his bat up and it hits Tyler on the head.
Red: Lil kicks his feet up, sending Tyler on his feet!
Jeff: Lil jumps and delivers a kick to Tyler's stomach.
Red: He retaliates by punching Lil in the stomach three times...and once in the face!
Jeff: Wait...Is that Knoxville above the pit? He has rubber gloves on...and he's using them to grab the wire around the top of the pit!
Red: He jumps down and attaches it to he motorcycle!
Jeff: It springs to life and heads straight for Tyler!
Red: Lil trips Tyler and jumps outta the way. The motorcycle will just be able to run over Tyler, and not harm him with the electricity charges.
Jeff: The motorcycle flies up as it hits Tyler and slams into a wall.
Red: It's stuck there! Sparks are flying everywhere!
Jeff: It looks like Jeff Probst is trying to grab it to pulls himself up.
Red: Rosie O' Donnel is behind him...Boy she looks hungry.
Jeff: Probst grabs on but is shocked and sent back. Rosie jumps up to avoid tripping over him, and she hits the motorcycle!
Red: It explodes under the pressure, killing off Rosie!
Jeff: Probst is relieved. Looks like he stays in the game a bit longer.
Red: I hope he knows this isn't for a million dollars.
Jeff: What's he doing now?
Red: He's trying to form an alliance with Lil' Devil!
Jeff: It works! Lil agrees and they both head toward Johnny Knoxville, who just got back into the pit.
Red: Knoxville notices them and he smiles and nods.
Jeff: Nods?
Red: He grabs the wire hanging down from above the pit. He's swinging it around.
Jeff: Lil smiles as Knoxville throws the wire to him!
Red: Lil catches it, wearing rubber gloves too!
Jeff: Where'd he got those?
Red: Who cares? I wanna know what's going on here.
Jeff: Probst looks confused until he realizes what's going on! Lil ties the wire around his neck!
Red: Probst is being shocked to death!
Jeff: But it doesn't look like that's it! Knoxville and Lil pull on the wire and it cuts through Probst's head! It goes flying over the pit and into the crowd!
Red: Backstabbing...Who would've guessed?
Jeff: Regis Philbin, Rosie O' Donnel, and Jeff Probst are the first three to be killed.
Red: Regicide obviously wanted to keep the wackiest ones to fight...
Jeff: So...Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville, Lil' Devil, David Spade, Tyler Durden, Wee-Man, and Guybrush Threepwood are left!
Red: Looks like Wee-Man is heading toward David Spade.
Jeff: Spade is laughing at Wee-Man's small size.
Red: Not a good idea! Wee-Man just pulled out...a skateboard?
Jeff: Wasn't it him who did the Oompa-Loompa on a skateboard segment from Jackass?
Red: I guess..Look! Wee-Man is using the wall to get up to David Spade!
Jeff: He grabs his ear and it rips off as Wee-Man heads toward the ground again!
Red: David Spade is whining and running around...
Jeff: ....somebody kill him...
[The whole group jumps on David Spade at once, tearing him apart, piece by piece. Soon the fighters jump off of what is left of David Spade.]
Red: That was easy...
Jeff: Who is Guybrush signaling too?
Red: Someone above the pit1 It's Elaine, Guybrush's wife!
Jeff: Automatic cannons are surrounding the pit!
Red: Guybrush begins to climb up the pit walls as a timer counts down to when the cannons go off.
Jeff: Uh-oh, Tom Green is above the pit in front of one of the cannons!
Red: He's holding a pot of scalding hot oil! He'll burn Guybrush!
Jeff: Elaine runs toward Green, but it's too late! The pot is tipped over and the oil drops down on Guybrush!
Red: He falls off and is blinded once again!
[RIIIIIIING!]
Jeff: The cannons are firing off everywhere! The one in back of Tom Green shots a hole right through his body! Tom Green is dead!
Red: Told ya...Three attacks.
Jeff: Everyone is running for cover! It's complete chaos down there!
Red: WEE-MAN! He's climbing up to stop the cannons! YOU CAN DO IT LITTLE GUY!
Jeff: Elaine is on the opposite side from Wee-Man! She's gonna try and shoot him off!
Red: Wee-Man is climbing faster, avoiding every cannon that comes toward him.
Jeff: Knoxville was hit with a cannonball! He looks temporarily down!
Red: We all know Knoxville can withstand a great amount of pain. He'll be back.
Jeff: Wee-Man saw Knoxville getting hit...he's pissed!
Red: He reaches the top and jumps up on to the back of a cannon.
Jeff: It goes upward and fires a cannon ball and Elaine!
Red: She dodges and is firing more cannonballs at Wee-Man as he jumps for the controls!
[In slow motion, Wee Man makes a great leap for the off switch. Cannonballs explode in the dirt behind him. Wee-Man reaches the controls and flips the cannons off. He falls to the ground as the camera resumes regular motion and the crowd becomes an uproar.]
Jeff: Wee-Man did it! The fight goes on!
Red: Elaine doesn't look too happy. She wants Guybrush to win.
Jeff: Well he's blinded right now, so no help there.
Red: Wait! She pulls out a musket!
Jeff: Hey! Get with the times! We use Uzi's now!
Red: Wait...It's an automatic musket! She begins firing round after round at Wee-Man!
Jeff: He dives back into the pit for cover, where everyone seems to be getting back to the fight, after the cannonball thing.
Red: Elaine follows! Yet another fighter is thrown into the pit!
Jeff: Elaine is one tough woman. She's gonna be hard to take down.
Red: Wee-Man is looking around for something to use...and I think he has an idea!
Jeff: Wee-Man pulls out a pair of rubber gloves..hm, something else with the electrical wire.
Red: He grabs the wire and begins swinging it around.
Jeff: We saw this already! Do something different!
Red: He is! The wire flies upward and ties itself around one of the cannons.
Jeff: Elaine is under it! She's too busy reloading her musket to notice!
Red: Wee-Man pulls at the cannon and it falls over the edge! Elaine looks up and gets out one last scream before she is smashed into the ground!
Jeff: But....but...The cannon is shaking a bit! Elaine is still alive!
Red: But she's down for now...I'm sure she'll be back up.
Jeff: Look! Knoxville is back up! He smiles and waves at Wee-Man, who smiles proudly!
Red: But Tyler Durden breaks the heart-touching moment where we put the whole Man vrs. Midget this behind us...
Jeff: Eh?
Red: Tyler Durden pulled Knoxville back and is giving him repeated punches to the face!
Jeff: Now he's kicking him around like a hacky-sack! Man that guy is good!
Red: Tyler or Knoxville?
Jeff: Er....Both, I guess.
Red: Lil' Devil is above the pit. He seems to be doing something with the cannons.
Jeff: He stuffs his bat in there and points it at Tyler!
Red: He manually fires the cannon but he's a bit off! The bat is only able to knock off Tyler's hand.
Jeff: Tyler grabs the bat and looks for a way up while Lil' Devil looks for a way to get his bat without going near Tyler.
Red: Tyler fiddles around with the bat and a hookshot comes through the top and latches itself into an audience member.
Jeff: I heard Lil's bat has many secret weapons. For Lil's sake, Tyler won't find them out.
Red: Tyler is up above the pit now and is heading toward Lil with the bat in its regular form.
Jeff: Lil is looking around for something to keep Tyler busy. He pulls out a small control and presses it.
Red: A huge steel dome covers the pit! It's like Celebrity Deathmatch!
Jeff: Yah, with two cartoon characters and a character from a movie.
Red: And Tom Green was actually allowed to die.
Jeff: Lil' Devil climbs to the top of the dome avoiding all the square gaps. Tyler seems to have trouble getting up to him.
Red: He slips about halfway and is about to fall through into the pit!
Jeff: Lil runs over to him but slips and falls through one of the gaps too! They're both hanging there!
Red: But Lil has the advantage since his bat has fallen to the ground because Tyler would of have fallen in if held on to it. Tyler's only weapons now are his legs.
Jeff: Lil pulls out another control. A very thick glass floor comes out beneath himself and Tyler, covering up the remaining fighters! Lil is making this 1 on 1 match a battle to the death!
Red: A pipe comes out above the glass floor and something begins to pour out on to it. What is it?
Jeff: ACID! Lil must have had the floor Acid resistant or something. Once it reaches up to the pipe, it stops filling in. Tyler is looking on in amazement.
Red: I don't think he should spend so much time gawking! Lil climbs over to him and gives him a mighty blow to the stomach. He almost loses grip!
Jeff: He is able to give a kick to Lil, but it doesn't do much damage. Lil uses a free hand to grab the neck of Tyler! He pulls him off the steel dome!
Red: Lil is about to drop him when Tyler kicks Lil in the stomach. Tyler jumps up, grabs on the steel, flips and uses his feet to hang on.
Jeff: Tyler is using his hand to pull Lil down!
Red: Lil falls off!
Jeff: But he grabs Tyler's arm! They both could die!
Red: Wait, something's going on next to the dome. Somebody came up from the ground!
Jeff: Its Knoxville and Wee-Man! They must've made a tunnel or something!
Red: Wait...Someone else is behind them. Its Guybrush and Elaine! They seem to be having a 2 on 2 match!
Jeff: Wee-Man is dragging Guybrush atop the dome. He shoves Guybrush through the gap and ties his hair to the steel bar! Guybrush is hanging by his hair!
Red: That's gotta hurt. Where's Wee-Man?
Jeff: On the rafters! He's got a handful of knives!
Red: He throws one down but it's off target! It flies into Tyler's hand and goes through! It's stuck in the steel.
Jeff: Tyler is in extreme pain and he's shaking all over! Lil is barely able to hold on.
Red: Elaine is on top of the dome now trying to untie her husband! Wee-Man throws another knife and it hits Elaine in the back! She trips and lays across the dome!
Jeff: She's struggling for life! She is able to crawl outta the way and heal, but the next knife hits Guybrush's hair, splitting it in half! Guybrush falls into the pit of acid!
Red: The knife in Tyler's hand finally gives away and both Lil and Tyler fall to their death!
Jeff: Wait! Once Guybrush is burned to death the acid is sucked up by the pipe! Lil' Devil and Tyler both hit the glass floor! Lil' looks like his leg was scorched by some left over acid.
Red: Lil and Tyler stand up, catching their breath, while Knoxville climbs over to the dome to finish Elaine off, and Wee-Man begins to make his next to move to one of the fighters.
Jeff: We have our final 5! Tyler Durden, Lil' Devil, Wee-Man, Johnny Knoxville, and Elaine Marley!
Red: Knoxville looms over Elaine but she jumps up and begins beating the crap out of him!
Jeff: Kick after kick! Punch after punch!
Red: Lil is trying to get the glass floor to go back in but can't find his control. Tyler is behind Lil! He turns but it's too late! Tyler is kicking him across the floor!
Jeff: Lil climbs up the wall and jumps back behind Tyler! When he turns around Lil gives a mighty kick to Tyler's jaw!
Red: Elaine seems to have Knoxville against the dome. Wee-Man is behind Elaine with Lil's control to the dome! He clicks the button and the dome folds back in causing Knoxville to fall down to the pit, crashing through the glass. Wee-Man tackles Elaine into the pit!
Jeff: Elaine hits the glass hard and Wee-Man uses her as a landing pad. He stands up right and looks around.
Red: Knoxville crawls out from the pit floor, all bloody and beaten.
Jeff: Lil and Tyler resume fighting as Wee-Man and Knoxville jumps atop Elaine. It's two fights at once!
Red: Lil jumps into the whole Knoxville made. In a few seconds he jumps back up with his bat! He immediately goes for Tyler, hitting his face harder and hard with every hit!
Jeff: Uh-oh! Elaine just spotted Guybrush's burnt body! Oh sweet lord! SHE'S SEIROUSLY PISSED OFF!
[Elaine's hair turns to flames and her eyes glow a dark red. She growls insanely and turns to Wee-Man.]
Red: NOT WEE-MAN!
[In an instant Elaine is upon the small guy. He has no time to escape and he's torn apart.]
Red: *sob* She's still hitting him! *sob* MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
Jeff: Knoxville is able to pull her off of the remains of Wee-Man. She's still pissed!
Red: No..NOT WEE-MAN! *becomes hysterical*
Jeff: Knoxville is looking over his little buddy. He slams Elaine into the wall. He grabs her hair and keeps smashing her head into the wall!
Red: KILL HER! KILL HER!
Jeff: Lil' Devil and Tyler are STILL fighting! Wait! Lil' Devil climbing out of the pit. He runs out of the warehouse. Where is he going?
Red: YES! GO KNOXVILLE!
Jeff: Er...Anyway, It seems Tyler is confused. LOOK! Lil' Devil just came crashing through the doors in a convertible! It rides into the pit and swerves around in Tyler's direction. Lil slams the breaks and flies toward Tyler!
Red: Knoxville is putting the finishing touches in finishing Elaine! He throws her under the tire of Lil's car!
Jeff: Causing Lil to swerve out of control and crash into Tyler as he tries to dodge!
Red: Tyler is driven up to the wall where the car bumper smashes his leg off!
Jeff: Lil jumps out of the car as it catches fire! He takes his bat and approaches the weak Tyler Durden.
Red: But Knoxville is behind Lil with a saw blade! He goes right for the back of Lil's neck, causing blood to fly everywhere! Lil drops to the ground dead!
Jeff: And then there were two...
Red: But Durden is at the end of the line. Knoxville throws the saw blade into Durden's chest, killing him off.
Jeff: KNOXVILLE WON! The fight is over!
Red: What an event! The final winner is JOHNNY KNOOOOOOOOOOOOXVIIIIIIIILE!
Jeff: And it ends...
Red: Yes, but we have an Episode 2 planned! It'll be with made-up characters in an elimination match. The final two will fight it out in a specially designed pit for the 'Elimination Master Belt'.
Jeff: Belt?
Red: Yes! On Episode 3 he'll have to protect it in a three-way match!
Jeff: Looks like we got it all planned out!
Red: Yep! Till next time...Its Red and Jeff-
END EPISODE ONE
A Deathmatch of Regicide's favorite characters...and some characters which just need to get the shit knocked outta them
The Fighters
Johnny Knoxville from Jackass
Tom Green from the old 'Tom Green Show'
Lil' Devil my own character
Guybrush Threepwood from The Monkey Island games
Rosie O' Donnel (in the new 'Bitch Mode') from movies and 'The Rosie O' Donnel Show'
David Spade from movies and 'Just Shoot Me'
Brad Pitt (in Tyler Durden form from Fight Club)
Regis Philbin from annoying shows
Jeff Probst from 'Survivor'
[We open within a warehouse containing a wide, deep pit of dirt surrounded by barbwire with signs marked 'HIGH VOLTAGE' on them. A crowd surrounds the pit, cheering wildly. Two people sit up on a booth in-between the crowd. One man has sleek black hair and a wide smile. The other one has messy red hair and sunglasses on. A small smirk on his face.]
Man1: Welcome to 'Regicide Death Match!'. I'm Jeff Roberts and this is my partner Red Riener!
Red: Yo.
Jeff: Well, we don't need introductions, but the fighters do!
Red: Er..Jeff, we gotta tell people why we're doing this.
Jeff: Oh, right. Regicide only written one story for Fanfiction.net, plus he was bored. So, we thought it would be cool to have his favorite stars and most hated enemies beat each other to bloody pulps.
Red: Toonopolis.tv, in which Regicide got the idea, sponsors us.
Jeff: But it's not plagiarism!
Red: No way, Toonopolis is an RPG. This is a fanfic in which...well...we told you already.
Jeff: Many times.
Red: NOW we can begin.
Jeff: Our first fighter is Regicide's creation, used in Toonopolis. He's our favorite chaotic Demon...LIL' DEEEEEEVIIIIIIIL!
[Electricity shoots through the wires around the pit. Flames shoot up from the floor as Lil' Devil rises up into the air, his trusty bat in his hand. Lil Devil jumps off on to the ground as the fire subsides.]
Jeff: Next up is MTV's own jackass...JOHNNY KNOOOOOOOOOOOXVIIIIIIIIIIILE!
[Falling down, screaming, from the rafters is Mister Jackass himself, Johnny Knoxville. He obviously hurts himself on the landing, but is back up in no time.]
Red: Washed up freak on no leash, though many people have considered a leash for TOOOOOOOOM GREEEEEEEEEEN!
[Tom Green comes out, twitching madly. He grabs hold of the wire and gets shocked full of electricity. He falls into the pit, still twitching,]
Jeff: The wanna-be pirate GUYBRUSH THREEEEEEEEEEEEPWOOOOOOOD!
[Coming out, waving around his rapier, is Guybrush Threepwood. He jumps over the wire, into the pit.]
Red: Featured in the new 'Bitch Mode'...ROSIE O' DOOOOOOOOOOOONEEEEEEEEL!
[The lights flicker off as a pair of glowing red eyes drifts toward the pit. As the lights flash on again, we can see an evil looking Rosie O' Donnel in the pit.]
Jeff: Little guy DAVID SPAAAAAAADE!
[David Spade casually enters the pit, smiling confidently.]
Red: In his Fight Club form, BRAAAAAAAD PIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
[Tyler Durden's alter ego does a free fall into the pit. He falls on to the floor and flips up, ready to fight.]
Jeff: The most hated and most annoying host...REGIS PHIIIIIIILBIIIIIIIN!
[Regis Philbin, smiling his wide smile, enters the pit.]
Red: Our last fighter, hopefully a REAL survivor.... JEFF PROOOOOOOBST!
[Jeff Probst, coming in to the tune to Survivor, enters the pit.]
Jeff: Let's get this rumble going!
[A loud ringing noise echoes through the pit, and the chaos begins.]
Red: Looks like Lil Devil is starting the show off by heading straight for Guybrush with his bat.
Jeff: And in another part of the pit Johnny Knoxville and Tyler Durden and going at it like crazy!
Red: Lil swings the bat, but Guybrush blocks it with his.... sword thingie.
Jeff: A rapier.
Red: Whatever. Anyway, Lil takes another swing and the rapier is knocked out of Guybrush's hand!
Jeff: Its going right for David Spade and Tom Green!
David: ITS COMING RIGHT FOR US!
[Name that Quote!]
Red: Spade ducks but Tom Green isn't quick enough!
Jeff: It goes right into his neck!
Red: I guess he's the first one down.
Jeff: Not by a long shot! Tom Green is smiling mischievously!
Red: He's still alive?
Jeff: Tom Green is unpredictable. He's likely to last through out the fight.
Red: Well, it looks like Lil is beating up Guybrush.
Jeff: Tom Green is heading for Tyler and Knoxville!
Red: This cant be at all good! Everyone knows Jackass replaced the Tom Green Show!
Jeff: Tom pulls out a butcher knife!
Red: He jumps up and slashes Knoxville's arm off!
Jeff: Knoxville is waving his arm around and-
Red: Something on a motorcycle jumped over the wire into the pit!
Jeff: Its Wee-Man! Jackass's midget!
Red: Wee-man runs over Tom Green!
Jeff: I think he'll be doing that for a while.
Red: Hm, what else is going on down there?
Jeff: Its Probst and Philbin!
Red: A showdown!
Jeff: Survivor was able to literally destroy Millionaire...Looks like Regis is able to get back at Probst.
Red: Not is Probst has his way!
[Jeff Probst picks up a bazooka and grabs Rosie O' Donnel. He shoves her into the bazooka and fires it at Regis Philbin.]
Jeff: SWEET LORD! Rosie just ate Regis!
Red: Cannibalism is a serious thing... That's why we have programs like Truth to get kids off it.
Jeff: Uh...Truth is for smoking..
Red:....SHUT UP!
Jeff: Probst looks happy with the quick death for Regis.
Red: Tell me about it. Rosie is one fast eater.
Jeff: But I don't think she liked being stuffed into a bazooka.
Red: How can you tell?
[Rosie takes a bite out of Jeff Probst's arm.]
Jeff: Just a guess...
Red: Let's check out another pair while Jeff defends himself from Rosie.
Jeff: Looks like Lil' Devil is heading for David Spade.
Red: But Spade is up in Lil's face with his big mouth.
Jeff: Not a good idea! Lil raises his bat-
Red: But Spade runs off!
Jeff: There's Guybrush Threepwood looking for his rapier!
Red: He found it! It's next to Tom Green, who is still being tossed around by Wee-Man on the motorcycle.
Jeff: Guybrush goes for it but Lil' Devil steps on it!
Red: He turns it with his foot, sending dirt into Guybrush's eyes! He's blinded!
Jeff: He stumbles toward Wee-Man and the motorcycle!
Red: Wee-Man is sent crashing into a wall as the bike crashes with Guybrush!
Jeff: Looks like Knoxville is ready to get back at Tom Green.
Red: He's pulling out a paintball gun! Knoxville has had some experience with those things.
Jeff: Looks like he's had some experience with aiming! Every paintball is dead on target, breaking through the skin of Tom Green.
Red: He's got scars everywhere! He's bleeding all over!
Jeff: When is he gonna die?
Red: Three moves is the charm. He's only been hit by two attacks.
Jeff: Tyler Durden is looking about for someone to fight.
Red: His eye's fall upon Lil' Devil!
Jeff: With a mighty leap Tyler has Lil on the ground.
Red: He's beating Lil into the ground.
Jeff: But Lil throws his bat up and it hits Tyler on the head.
Red: Lil kicks his feet up, sending Tyler on his feet!
Jeff: Lil jumps and delivers a kick to Tyler's stomach.
Red: He retaliates by punching Lil in the stomach three times...and once in the face!
Jeff: Wait...Is that Knoxville above the pit? He has rubber gloves on...and he's using them to grab the wire around the top of the pit!
Red: He jumps down and attaches it to he motorcycle!
Jeff: It springs to life and heads straight for Tyler!
Red: Lil trips Tyler and jumps outta the way. The motorcycle will just be able to run over Tyler, and not harm him with the electricity charges.
Jeff: The motorcycle flies up as it hits Tyler and slams into a wall.
Red: It's stuck there! Sparks are flying everywhere!
Jeff: It looks like Jeff Probst is trying to grab it to pulls himself up.
Red: Rosie O' Donnel is behind him...Boy she looks hungry.
Jeff: Probst grabs on but is shocked and sent back. Rosie jumps up to avoid tripping over him, and she hits the motorcycle!
Red: It explodes under the pressure, killing off Rosie!
Jeff: Probst is relieved. Looks like he stays in the game a bit longer.
Red: I hope he knows this isn't for a million dollars.
Jeff: What's he doing now?
Red: He's trying to form an alliance with Lil' Devil!
Jeff: It works! Lil agrees and they both head toward Johnny Knoxville, who just got back into the pit.
Red: Knoxville notices them and he smiles and nods.
Jeff: Nods?
Red: He grabs the wire hanging down from above the pit. He's swinging it around.
Jeff: Lil smiles as Knoxville throws the wire to him!
Red: Lil catches it, wearing rubber gloves too!
Jeff: Where'd he got those?
Red: Who cares? I wanna know what's going on here.
Jeff: Probst looks confused until he realizes what's going on! Lil ties the wire around his neck!
Red: Probst is being shocked to death!
Jeff: But it doesn't look like that's it! Knoxville and Lil pull on the wire and it cuts through Probst's head! It goes flying over the pit and into the crowd!
Red: Backstabbing...Who would've guessed?
Jeff: Regis Philbin, Rosie O' Donnel, and Jeff Probst are the first three to be killed.
Red: Regicide obviously wanted to keep the wackiest ones to fight...
Jeff: So...Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville, Lil' Devil, David Spade, Tyler Durden, Wee-Man, and Guybrush Threepwood are left!
Red: Looks like Wee-Man is heading toward David Spade.
Jeff: Spade is laughing at Wee-Man's small size.
Red: Not a good idea! Wee-Man just pulled out...a skateboard?
Jeff: Wasn't it him who did the Oompa-Loompa on a skateboard segment from Jackass?
Red: I guess..Look! Wee-Man is using the wall to get up to David Spade!
Jeff: He grabs his ear and it rips off as Wee-Man heads toward the ground again!
Red: David Spade is whining and running around...
Jeff: ....somebody kill him...
[The whole group jumps on David Spade at once, tearing him apart, piece by piece. Soon the fighters jump off of what is left of David Spade.]
Red: That was easy...
Jeff: Who is Guybrush signaling too?
Red: Someone above the pit1 It's Elaine, Guybrush's wife!
Jeff: Automatic cannons are surrounding the pit!
Red: Guybrush begins to climb up the pit walls as a timer counts down to when the cannons go off.
Jeff: Uh-oh, Tom Green is above the pit in front of one of the cannons!
Red: He's holding a pot of scalding hot oil! He'll burn Guybrush!
Jeff: Elaine runs toward Green, but it's too late! The pot is tipped over and the oil drops down on Guybrush!
Red: He falls off and is blinded once again!
[RIIIIIIING!]
Jeff: The cannons are firing off everywhere! The one in back of Tom Green shots a hole right through his body! Tom Green is dead!
Red: Told ya...Three attacks.
Jeff: Everyone is running for cover! It's complete chaos down there!
Red: WEE-MAN! He's climbing up to stop the cannons! YOU CAN DO IT LITTLE GUY!
Jeff: Elaine is on the opposite side from Wee-Man! She's gonna try and shoot him off!
Red: Wee-Man is climbing faster, avoiding every cannon that comes toward him.
Jeff: Knoxville was hit with a cannonball! He looks temporarily down!
Red: We all know Knoxville can withstand a great amount of pain. He'll be back.
Jeff: Wee-Man saw Knoxville getting hit...he's pissed!
Red: He reaches the top and jumps up on to the back of a cannon.
Jeff: It goes upward and fires a cannon ball and Elaine!
Red: She dodges and is firing more cannonballs at Wee-Man as he jumps for the controls!
[In slow motion, Wee Man makes a great leap for the off switch. Cannonballs explode in the dirt behind him. Wee-Man reaches the controls and flips the cannons off. He falls to the ground as the camera resumes regular motion and the crowd becomes an uproar.]
Jeff: Wee-Man did it! The fight goes on!
Red: Elaine doesn't look too happy. She wants Guybrush to win.
Jeff: Well he's blinded right now, so no help there.
Red: Wait! She pulls out a musket!
Jeff: Hey! Get with the times! We use Uzi's now!
Red: Wait...It's an automatic musket! She begins firing round after round at Wee-Man!
Jeff: He dives back into the pit for cover, where everyone seems to be getting back to the fight, after the cannonball thing.
Red: Elaine follows! Yet another fighter is thrown into the pit!
Jeff: Elaine is one tough woman. She's gonna be hard to take down.
Red: Wee-Man is looking around for something to use...and I think he has an idea!
Jeff: Wee-Man pulls out a pair of rubber gloves..hm, something else with the electrical wire.
Red: He grabs the wire and begins swinging it around.
Jeff: We saw this already! Do something different!
Red: He is! The wire flies upward and ties itself around one of the cannons.
Jeff: Elaine is under it! She's too busy reloading her musket to notice!
Red: Wee-Man pulls at the cannon and it falls over the edge! Elaine looks up and gets out one last scream before she is smashed into the ground!
Jeff: But....but...The cannon is shaking a bit! Elaine is still alive!
Red: But she's down for now...I'm sure she'll be back up.
Jeff: Look! Knoxville is back up! He smiles and waves at Wee-Man, who smiles proudly!
Red: But Tyler Durden breaks the heart-touching moment where we put the whole Man vrs. Midget this behind us...
Jeff: Eh?
Red: Tyler Durden pulled Knoxville back and is giving him repeated punches to the face!
Jeff: Now he's kicking him around like a hacky-sack! Man that guy is good!
Red: Tyler or Knoxville?
Jeff: Er....Both, I guess.
Red: Lil' Devil is above the pit. He seems to be doing something with the cannons.
Jeff: He stuffs his bat in there and points it at Tyler!
Red: He manually fires the cannon but he's a bit off! The bat is only able to knock off Tyler's hand.
Jeff: Tyler grabs the bat and looks for a way up while Lil' Devil looks for a way to get his bat without going near Tyler.
Red: Tyler fiddles around with the bat and a hookshot comes through the top and latches itself into an audience member.
Jeff: I heard Lil's bat has many secret weapons. For Lil's sake, Tyler won't find them out.
Red: Tyler is up above the pit now and is heading toward Lil with the bat in its regular form.
Jeff: Lil is looking around for something to keep Tyler busy. He pulls out a small control and presses it.
Red: A huge steel dome covers the pit! It's like Celebrity Deathmatch!
Jeff: Yah, with two cartoon characters and a character from a movie.
Red: And Tom Green was actually allowed to die.
Jeff: Lil' Devil climbs to the top of the dome avoiding all the square gaps. Tyler seems to have trouble getting up to him.
Red: He slips about halfway and is about to fall through into the pit!
Jeff: Lil runs over to him but slips and falls through one of the gaps too! They're both hanging there!
Red: But Lil has the advantage since his bat has fallen to the ground because Tyler would of have fallen in if held on to it. Tyler's only weapons now are his legs.
Jeff: Lil pulls out another control. A very thick glass floor comes out beneath himself and Tyler, covering up the remaining fighters! Lil is making this 1 on 1 match a battle to the death!
Red: A pipe comes out above the glass floor and something begins to pour out on to it. What is it?
Jeff: ACID! Lil must have had the floor Acid resistant or something. Once it reaches up to the pipe, it stops filling in. Tyler is looking on in amazement.
Red: I don't think he should spend so much time gawking! Lil climbs over to him and gives him a mighty blow to the stomach. He almost loses grip!
Jeff: He is able to give a kick to Lil, but it doesn't do much damage. Lil uses a free hand to grab the neck of Tyler! He pulls him off the steel dome!
Red: Lil is about to drop him when Tyler kicks Lil in the stomach. Tyler jumps up, grabs on the steel, flips and uses his feet to hang on.
Jeff: Tyler is using his hand to pull Lil down!
Red: Lil falls off!
Jeff: But he grabs Tyler's arm! They both could die!
Red: Wait, something's going on next to the dome. Somebody came up from the ground!
Jeff: Its Knoxville and Wee-Man! They must've made a tunnel or something!
Red: Wait...Someone else is behind them. Its Guybrush and Elaine! They seem to be having a 2 on 2 match!
Jeff: Wee-Man is dragging Guybrush atop the dome. He shoves Guybrush through the gap and ties his hair to the steel bar! Guybrush is hanging by his hair!
Red: That's gotta hurt. Where's Wee-Man?
Jeff: On the rafters! He's got a handful of knives!
Red: He throws one down but it's off target! It flies into Tyler's hand and goes through! It's stuck in the steel.
Jeff: Tyler is in extreme pain and he's shaking all over! Lil is barely able to hold on.
Red: Elaine is on top of the dome now trying to untie her husband! Wee-Man throws another knife and it hits Elaine in the back! She trips and lays across the dome!
Jeff: She's struggling for life! She is able to crawl outta the way and heal, but the next knife hits Guybrush's hair, splitting it in half! Guybrush falls into the pit of acid!
Red: The knife in Tyler's hand finally gives away and both Lil and Tyler fall to their death!
Jeff: Wait! Once Guybrush is burned to death the acid is sucked up by the pipe! Lil' Devil and Tyler both hit the glass floor! Lil' looks like his leg was scorched by some left over acid.
Red: Lil and Tyler stand up, catching their breath, while Knoxville climbs over to the dome to finish Elaine off, and Wee-Man begins to make his next to move to one of the fighters.
Jeff: We have our final 5! Tyler Durden, Lil' Devil, Wee-Man, Johnny Knoxville, and Elaine Marley!
Red: Knoxville looms over Elaine but she jumps up and begins beating the crap out of him!
Jeff: Kick after kick! Punch after punch!
Red: Lil is trying to get the glass floor to go back in but can't find his control. Tyler is behind Lil! He turns but it's too late! Tyler is kicking him across the floor!
Jeff: Lil climbs up the wall and jumps back behind Tyler! When he turns around Lil gives a mighty kick to Tyler's jaw!
Red: Elaine seems to have Knoxville against the dome. Wee-Man is behind Elaine with Lil's control to the dome! He clicks the button and the dome folds back in causing Knoxville to fall down to the pit, crashing through the glass. Wee-Man tackles Elaine into the pit!
Jeff: Elaine hits the glass hard and Wee-Man uses her as a landing pad. He stands up right and looks around.
Red: Knoxville crawls out from the pit floor, all bloody and beaten.
Jeff: Lil and Tyler resume fighting as Wee-Man and Knoxville jumps atop Elaine. It's two fights at once!
Red: Lil jumps into the whole Knoxville made. In a few seconds he jumps back up with his bat! He immediately goes for Tyler, hitting his face harder and hard with every hit!
Jeff: Uh-oh! Elaine just spotted Guybrush's burnt body! Oh sweet lord! SHE'S SEIROUSLY PISSED OFF!
[Elaine's hair turns to flames and her eyes glow a dark red. She growls insanely and turns to Wee-Man.]
Red: NOT WEE-MAN!
[In an instant Elaine is upon the small guy. He has no time to escape and he's torn apart.]
Red: *sob* She's still hitting him! *sob* MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!
Jeff: Knoxville is able to pull her off of the remains of Wee-Man. She's still pissed!
Red: No..NOT WEE-MAN! *becomes hysterical*
Jeff: Knoxville is looking over his little buddy. He slams Elaine into the wall. He grabs her hair and keeps smashing her head into the wall!
Red: KILL HER! KILL HER!
Jeff: Lil' Devil and Tyler are STILL fighting! Wait! Lil' Devil climbing out of the pit. He runs out of the warehouse. Where is he going?
Red: YES! GO KNOXVILLE!
Jeff: Er...Anyway, It seems Tyler is confused. LOOK! Lil' Devil just came crashing through the doors in a convertible! It rides into the pit and swerves around in Tyler's direction. Lil slams the breaks and flies toward Tyler!
Red: Knoxville is putting the finishing touches in finishing Elaine! He throws her under the tire of Lil's car!
Jeff: Causing Lil to swerve out of control and crash into Tyler as he tries to dodge!
Red: Tyler is driven up to the wall where the car bumper smashes his leg off!
Jeff: Lil jumps out of the car as it catches fire! He takes his bat and approaches the weak Tyler Durden.
Red: But Knoxville is behind Lil with a saw blade! He goes right for the back of Lil's neck, causing blood to fly everywhere! Lil drops to the ground dead!
Jeff: And then there were two...
Red: But Durden is at the end of the line. Knoxville throws the saw blade into Durden's chest, killing him off.
Jeff: KNOXVILLE WON! The fight is over!
Red: What an event! The final winner is JOHNNY KNOOOOOOOOOOOOXVIIIIIIIILE!
Jeff: And it ends...
Red: Yes, but we have an Episode 2 planned! It'll be with made-up characters in an elimination match. The final two will fight it out in a specially designed pit for the 'Elimination Master Belt'.
Jeff: Belt?
Red: Yes! On Episode 3 he'll have to protect it in a three-way match!
Jeff: Looks like we got it all planned out!
Red: Yep! Till next time...Its Red and Jeff-
END EPISODE ONE