Noise
A Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou Fan Fiction
by: KCC
An ear can break a human heart
As quickly as a spear;
We wish the ear had not a heart
So dangerously near.
-Emily Dickinson, "The Saddest Noise, the Sweetest Noise"
* * *
Disclaimer:
Rights to Kareshi Kanojo no Jijou belong to Masami Tsuda (manga), Hideaki Anno (anime) of Gainax and Right Stuff (anime - US release).
Spoiler Warnings:
This fanfic is inspired by (what will be) Volume 11 of the tankubon.
Note:
Words and phrases in italics = thoughts
* * *
Part One: The Saddest Noise
He didn't notice the young girl standing a few feet away from him. He didn't hear the angry words she was saying. He didn't hear the door slam shut behind the girl. All he heard was the music. It surged and coated every inch of his consciousness. He was lost in it -- lost in the sensation his fingers felt as he strummed his guitar; lost in the melody that seeped into his head.
In a moment of creative exhilaration, he took out his journal and started to write,
music that swallows you whole
and swirls you around
coating each part of you with jazzy enzymes
that breaks you down
and crumbles whatever resistance you have to it
it is music that dances in your soul
and leaves you in a state
of breathless agitation
Only after he had written of his soul did he allow himself to become part of reality once again. He looked around his room. I could have sworn I heard Tsubasa come in. He saw that the poster that was once hanging on the door now on the floor -- this only happened when someone slams the door. He frowned. Tsubasa.
Kazuma raked his fingers through his hair. I wonder how long she was here. He decided to go look for her. He felt slightly guilty about ignoring her. This isn't the first time this happened. He and Tsubasa had gotten into many arguments about his sudden change of attitude towards her. My feelings for her haven't changed. It is still as strong as it has always been. It's what I feel for music that has gotten stronger and deeper.
He checked her room first -- her sanctuary; the only other place in the world where she was completely herself. He went downstairs to the kitchen. She's probably baking bread to cool her temper. She wasn't there either. He started to worry. During the other occasions, he'd have found and soothed her by now. If she isn't in the garden... He hurriedly went outside, hoping to find her tending to her potted plants. She wasn't there. This is bad.
* * *
Tsubasa tried not to cry. It would be terribly embarrassing if she suddenly burst out into tears inside the subway station -- not that she hadn't done it before. How could he? She took deep breaths -- as if to rid herself of the heaviness in her heart. She got in line to board the train. Yukino will know what to do.
The first time she had decided to run away, she knew that Yukino would be able to help her. Tsubasa hadn't known Yukino too well then, but she had sensed her wisdom and perceptiveness. She'll help me again. She clutched her duffel bag closer. I should call Dad and tell him not to worry.
On the train to Yukino's house, she looked out of the window and watched the hazy shapes of the world go by her. That's what I am to him right now, a blur. She bitterly thought.
* * *
Yukino was surprised to hear Kazuma's voice over the telephone. "No, she isn't here with me. Have you tried calling Tsubaki?"
He was silent for a moment. Yukino was the last person on his list. He had called everyone else. Where is she? "I have. She isn't there."
Yukino could hear Kazuma's frustration. "Are you okay?" Yukino's attention was divided between Kazuma and the doorbell that was buzzing incessantly. "Um-- I have to go see who that is."
"Okay. Thank you."
She opened the gate and found her friend looking so miserable. The duffel bag on the ground beside her. Yukino looked at Tsubasa and then bent over to get the bag. "Come in."
"Thank you," Tsubasa whispered -- unable to hide the sadness in her voice.
"I had just gotten off the phone with Kazuma."
Silence.
"He's looking for you."
Silence.
"He sounds really worried."
"A little too late to feel that."
Sarcasm. This is serious. She gave Tsubasa a sympathetic smile. "I'm sure it isn't that bad maybe--"
"He seems to think so." The tears she had struggled to control now fell freely on her cheeks. She didn't care if she looked pitiable -- she knew that Yukino would understand. "He doesn't care about me anymore."
Yukino allowed Tsubasa to cry. She knew it would make her feel better after. "Tsubasa, would you like to talk to Souichiro? Maybe he can help."
Tsubasa shook her head. "No! I hate men! They always find something or someone better than me and then leave me! Look at my papa and now Kazuma! I really hate them!"
Yukino judged from Tsubasa's vehemence that this was something she felt very strongly about. She racked her brain, thinking of something to say but the words eluded her. Instead, she stroked Tsubasa's back and gently patted her shoulder -- trying to comfort her.
"Can I sleep here for the night? I don't want to be in a house where I'm being ignored and taken for granted all the time."
"Um-- I guess you can. But you should call your Dad to ask permission."
"I've already done that. I left a message at his office."
Yukino ushered Tsubasa into her bedroom. I wonder what the problem is. She knew she had to wait until Tsubasa was ready to tell her.
It was over iced tea and cookies that Tsubasa revealed her problem.
"He loves music more than he loves me."
Yukino knew that Tsubasa shared a special relationship with her stepbrother. She knew how much happier Tsubasa was when she was with Kazuma.
"He's distant, but he tries to pretend that he isn't. He thinks that, by buying stuff for me, I wouldn't notice it."
Very few people knew about Tsubasa's perceptiveness. She rarely revealed her emotions and opinions to other people.
"I was standing there for ten minutes and he didn't notice me. He didn't even realize I was there. I yelled at him, but he didn't even hear me." Tsubasa started crying again. "How do I compete with that? How?" Tsubasa knew that she could never win against Kazuma's love for music. The realization made her heart feel even heavier. "Am I always going to lose the ones I love?"
* * *
That night, Yukino waited until Tsubasa was asleep. She tiptoed out of her room and picked up the phone. She dialed the Shibahime's phone number.
"Hello?"
Yukino breathed a sigh of relief when she heard the familiar voice. "Kazuma, this is Yukino. She's here."
"Dad told me when he got home this afternoon." He was quiet for a minute. "Can I talk to her?"
"Um-- she's sleeping." Yukino's concern for her friend won over her resolve not to interfere in other people's business. "I don't mean to interfere but, do you know the reason why she ran away this time?"
"I-- uh-- damn it, this is hard to say--"
"You don't have to tell me. I just wanted to find out if you--"
"Lately, she's been complaining about my inattention. She claims I ignore her most of the time." Kazuma paused. "It's just that, my music has been-- I really don't know how to explain it to you."
"I'm not the person who needs the explanation."
"I know." She could hear him drum his fingers and waited for him to speak. "Do you think I can come by early tomorrow morning?"
"Let me give you my address..."
* * *
Tsubasa wasn't asleep when Yukino left the room. She listened quietly to the faint sounds outside -- heard Yukino murmur quietly. She's probably talking to Kazuma. Tsubasa knew that Yukino had her best interests at heart and it touched her. When she heard Yukino approach the room, she closed her eyes -- feigning sleep.
She waited until Yukino had settled comfortably in the futon beside her and said, "I'm not going back with him tomorrow, you know."
Yukino leaned on one elbow and faced Tsubasa. "He really sounded worried. I'm sure the two of you can work this out tomorrow."
"You're so lucky to have Arima."
"You have him, too. You have all of us, Tsubasa. We all care about you."
"But not in the way that I need."
Love. Yukino understood Tsubasa's feelings. She had Arima; Tsubaki and Tonami were very happy together. Tsubasa and Kazuma were... "Everything will turn out right, don't worry." She lay back down and closed her eyes. For Tsubasa's sake, I hope I'm right."
* * *
Yukino and Tsubasa were awakened the next day by a loud scream. Yukino rubbed her eyes and tried to find out who it was. Her eyes widened and she frantically got out of bed. Father. She opened the door to her room and found her dad standing at the entrance hall hyperventilating.
"Miyako! There is a strange man in the house!"
"Hiro, calm down! It's only Tsubasa's younger brother."
"Younger brother?! Look at his hair!!"
Yukino giggled as she listened to her father sputter and trip over his words.
"Is that a skull necklace?! How can a sweet girl like Tsubasa have such a punk for a brother." Hiroyuki Miyazawa tugged at his hair. "This guy is even worse than that Asapin!"
Tsukino and Kano sleepily made their way to their father's side. They visibly livened up when they saw who their visitor was.
"Dad, it's the lead singer of YinYang!"
"That really famous rock band that performed at Yukino's Cultural Festival."
The younger Miyazawas had thought their explanation would calm their father down. They were wrong.
"Yaah! Even worse! A rocker! A punk!" Hiroyuki Miyazawa had never felt such panic before. He had 5 women in his house to protect. He pushed his younger daughters behind him. "Tsukino, Kano, stay back! I will protect you."
Kazuma patiently waited for Mr. Miyazawa to stop raving. He was secretly amused by this man's show of protectiveness. He glanced at a familiar figure approaching the man in front of him and smiled.
"Dad, it's okay. He's here for Tsubasa." Yukino gave Kazuma an apologetic look. "Sorry you had to see that. My father can be really high strung about these things."
"Yes, I apologize for my husband. He isn't house-trained yet." Yukino's mother placed a pair of slippers in front of Kazuma. "I'll have to send him to obedience school soon."
Tsukino and Kano giggled.
"Please come in." Yukino's mother showed Kazuma into the living room.
"Thank you. I really appreciate the--"
"What are you doing here?"
The household suddenly became quiet. They all waited for someone to say something.
Kazuma moved closer to Tsubasa, but stopped when Tsubasa raised a hand to halt him. "Isn't it obvious why I'm here?"
Tsubasa crossed her arms and glared at him.
Kazuma glared back. Unlike most people, he didn't buy into Tsubasa's act.
"I'm not going home to a place where I am constantly ignored and taken for granted."
It was as though they were the only people in the room -- eyes focused squarely on each other. The Miyazawas quietly went to the kitchen and left the two to settle their dispute.
"Look, I'm sorry for whatever it is that you think I did wrong."
Tsubasa snorted and took two steps towards him. Kazuma backed up.
"I stood there for 10 minutes. You were too enraptured by your music that you didn't notice me."
Kazuma didn't know what to say. It was true -- he had ignored her.
"I've noticed that happening more often." She took a few more steps until she was a breath away from him.
"I can't compete with that. I don't want to lose you, but I don't think you even care if I fight for you or not."
"I do care." Kazuma grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "I do. You have to have more faith in me."
"But you care more about your music now."
When he didn't say anything, she knew she was right. "Let me go. I understand. You don't have to say anything." She pried his hands away from her shoulders and turned to go back to the room.
Say something. Don't let her walk away. "You're the most important person to me in the world."
If she heard him, she didn't show it. She continued walking back into the room and collapsed on the futon, crying.
Yukino stepped in after a few minutes. She knelt down beside her friend and gently placed a hand on her back.
"Tsubasa, he's still outside."
"Let him go home. Tell him he should be thankful I won't be around to bother him anymore." Though her voice was muffled by her tears, each word was uttered pointedly -- her emotion clear.
Outside, Kazuma was thinking about what he should have done. He knew she was in the room crying and he hated himself for being the cause of her tears. With a firm resolve, he approached the room. He was about to slide the door open when he heard what Tsubasa said. He sighed and opened the door to face a surprised Yukino.
"Kazuma, I don't think you should be here. My father is going to be very upset that you're inside my room."
Kazuma ignored Yukino. He knelt beside Tsubasa and gathered her in his arms. She tried to struggle at first, but gave in when he wouldn't yield.
As he was cradling her, he said, "You matter so much to me, Tsubasa Shibahime. You matter to me because you are my sister... and more." He kissed the top of her head, felt her hiccup as her tears subsided.
"It hurts so much when I see that I am slowly losing you."
"You'll never lose me."
She tilted her head back so she could look at him. "But I already have."
Kazuma moved to brush away the tears that had welled in her eyes.
"No, don't. It's so hard. Don't pretend to care. Just -- don't." She pulled away.
Yukino was silently listening to the two of them. She knew how Tsubasa felt -- knew how because she, too, would feel the same if she ever lost Arima. Souichiro. She tried to understand Kazuma and Tsubasa's problem; tried to find a compromise. She couldn't think of one.
Knowing that this was going nowhere, Tsubasa turned away from Kazuma. "Go home, Kazuma. I'll go home when I'm ready."
Kazuma knew she was right. He didn't try to convince her anymore. He knew that her hurt was still fresh and her emotions still raw. He stood up and left. Before closing the door behind him, he turned to look at her. "What I felt for you then is still what I feel for you now. Don't ever forget that."
She nodded and watched him go. She heard Yukino's mother usher Kazuma to the door, heard her say encouraging words to her brother.
"Am I wrong?"
Yukino sighed. "I don't know."
"What would you have done?"
Yukino answered earnestly, "I don't know."
End of Part One
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Author's Notes:
- I got the title of this fanfic from this Emily Dickinson poem. The first stanza of the poem goes:
- Part Two will be called "The Sweetest Noise". It'll probably be done by the end of the month or early April. The last part will be called "The Maddest Noise".
- The poem that Kazuma "wrote" in the early part of this fanfic is a poem I wrote about a really funky jazz band that I'm a big fan of.
- I'd love to hear how you guys think this will end. =)
The saddest noise, the sweetest noise,
The maddest noise that grows,
The birds, they make it in the spring,
At night's delicious close
The stanza at the beginning of this fic is the last stanza of said poem. I just love this poem. It made me cry the first few times that I read it. *sigh*