A/N: Thanks so much to the people who took the time to review the first part. There are now four parts to this fic, and some of them are a bit cleaner. grins
Tempesta: You've been my muse. Thanks, babe. I couldn't have gotten over the frustration of occasional writer's block without you. Love you.
Kacella: No, I don't read a lot of romance. I just don't talk trashy, and I can't stand to write trashy, either.
Colin, ChinChilla, and everyone else: thanks so much for the positive feedback. I can take all the criticism in the world, as long as it's constructive. You guys gave me a lot of insight as to how I can improve my writing. Thanks.
He looked at his lover as she lie beside him, her blue eyes so damned blue… She was beautiful. And this beautiful woman was with him. Him. Severus Snape. Just a few hours before, he would have found the thought to be inconceivable.
And, yet, it was true. Antonia Delaney was here with him, curled up against him. She was soft and warm all over, and completely relaxed. He was just grateful that she didn't turn into some silly weeping woman, or something. He didn't know how to deal with anything as stupid as that.
"Think you'll be able to handle that again?" she murmured gently, her head resting on his chest.
He was unaccustomed to this warm feeling he had for her. He wanted to run from it. He wanted to hold her and never let her go. He felt uncomfortable, yet more secure than he'd ever felt. He didn't understand any of this. He just knew that Antonia Delaney was the cause of it.
He smiled. Not a half-smile, not a sneer, but a real smile. "I'd like to make it better for you," he replied honestly. He also resisted the urge to pull the blankets over his head. Why did conversations about… about… that have to be so difficult? Snape thought.
She sat up and leaned against the tall mahogany headboard, the sheets covering her. "Severus, you were wonderful for your first time. And it only gets better. A time will come when you won't be afraid of offending me when you touch me. And you'll realize what a beautiful thing it can be."
"I've never… I've… Do you want to stay the night?" Snape looked horrified as those words popped out of his mouth.
Antonia smiled. "Thank you for the offer, but I really must be going. I have to be at the ministry in the morning, and I can't apparate from here."
"I don't want you to go to Hogsmeade by yourself at this time of night…"
It was close to midnight…
"Hmm… You do have a point," she agreed. "I'm really not in the mood to walk a hour to the village and get held up by damned trolls…"
"So, you'll stay here." Snape tried not to sound too satisfied. She would stay for the night. But, then she'd leave him in the morning. That thought soured him.
Antonia stretched and laid down in the thick, downy mattress. "What on earth will we do to keep us occupied the whole night," she murmured in a sultry voice.
He rolled on top of her and traced a hand up her thigh. "Maybe we can find something…"
"We'll just wait and see what comes up, I guess," she replied lazily, wrapping her arms around him.
He hesitated at the sight of her waistline. "I'm sorry, Antonia. Why didn't you tell me that I hurt you?" he asked, looking at the finger-shaped bruises.
She smiled. "Honestly, I didn't notice. I was a little distracted. Don't worry about it."
He rested his head on her breasts and felt her calmly stroking his greasy hair. He fell asleep to the sound of her heartbeat.
* * *
The next morning
Severus woke up to the sun shining in the bedchamber. He reached out to where Antonia had lain only hours before, and found nothing but an empty space. Did I dream this? He found a blond hair on the pillow and smelled her perfume in the bed. She really had been there… He really did have a woman in his bed.
I got laid! he marveled. Then, that was replaced by a darker thought: I've been used.
The most beautiful woman, calm, cold, and, well, hot, spent the night in his bed, and then disappeared in the morning like he was nothing.
Of course, Snape knew that he was nothing, but for a few moments, he felt like something special… like a person. The loneliness of awakening without her at his side just proved how false feelings could be, sometimes.
Lily never would have done this to you, a small voice in his head said.
Another voice rebutted, She would have never been here, either.
He groaned. He really didn't want to hear this. And it was time for breakfast in the Great Hall, anyway. He gave one last glance at the bed, and slipped on his black robe.
He wandered down to the Great Hall, and sat in his usual seat.
"Severus, you look well rested this morning," Dumbledore greeted.
McGonagall sniffed.
Severus sneered.
Hagrid glared.
Flitwick looked intimidated.
Sprout looked amused.
Pomfrey looked ready to send Severus to the hospital wing.
And, of course, since Professor Trelawney decided to treat them all with her presence at breakfast, she gazed mistily at Snape and said, "I had a prediction, last night. A blond woman would come and tempt you to take her to bed."
McGonagall pursed her lips.
Snape went more pale than usual.
Hagrid sniggered.
Flitwick shrank down even further on his raised stool.
Sprout looked ready to laugh.
Pomfrey looked like she needed to go to the hospital wing.
Dumbledore smiled at Snape, a twinkle shining in his blue eyes. "Professor Snape, I think we need to speak in my office."
Dumbledore rose to his feet, his blue robes swishing around him.
Snape scowled at McGonagall and followed Dumbledore to his office.
"Sit down, Severus," Dumbledore invited. "Would you like a lemon drop?"
"No."
"You really should try one, Severus. They are quite delicious." Dumbledore watched Snape's jaw set, and said, "Ah, well, enough of that. I understand that you and Antonia Delaney are on rather good terms now, hmm?"
"No. She's just another parent that doesn't like the way I teach. Did Minerva tell you something?"
An amused twinkle lit his eye. "You should know by now that I don't need human lips to tell me what goes on in this castle. That, and I saw Miss Delaney in the castle this morning. She was in a terrible hurry to leave."
Snape was crestfallen. She hurried out of the building to get away from him, a greasy, slimy git who'd fallen for the charms of the temptress. She didn't want him. All that talk of the next time was just that: talk. And, suddenly, Snape felt more worthless than he'd ever felt in his life.
Dumbledore sighed. "I know she's special to you, Severus. She's been the object of many men's fantasies, muggle and wizard alike. She's got you under her spell right now, but it will pass. I've seen it. Antonia takes fancy to a man, gets his attention, and disappears. She doesn't do it to be cruel. Sometimes she doesn't even mean to do it. She just does it because she's Antonia."
Snape's black eyes were even darker than usual. He ached. You meant nothing, that little voice said inside his head. He was just as ugly and hateful as he'd always been. There was nothing special about him. He was nothing more than… What had she called him? Ah, yes. He was nothing more than "a greasy bastard."
He nodded at the professor. "Someone that beautiful can do whatever she wants, I suppose."
"Don't think of it that way," Dumbledore said quietly. "She is looking for something, and she's been looking for quite some time. She'll continue on this way until she finds it. And it's nothing personal…"
It felt very personal last night, he thought.
"She's been lost ever since her muggle lover died. The death of a loved one can take some time getting over, you know."
"I'm sure. If you'll excuse me, Professor, I have a Potions lesson to prepare for."
* * *
Potions
He stood at the front of his classroom in the dungeon, watching the students file into his room. He saw that little beast Harry Potter, walking in the classroom like he ruled the damned world, with his faithful sidekicks Weasley and that Granger beast. He was tempted to take points from him just for being happy. Snape made no attempt to disguise the loathing written across his face when Potter glared in his direction.
Potter swallowed hard. He'd never seen Snape this grumpy. Sure, Snape hated him. But, today, Snape looked positively murderous.
Neville Longbottom saw it, too. And it made him even more clumsy and nervous, though Snape never would have believed that to be possible.
"Longbottom, can't you even follow the simplest directions?" he thundered. "Ten points from Gryffindor for Longbottom's inability to listen. And, Miss Granger, if you help him, it will be twenty more from you."
Draco Malfoy and the other Slytherins were sniggering rather loudly.
Severus Snape drew himself up to his full height and glared in the direction of his own house. "Mr. Malfoy, this is not the Slytherin commons room. I don't want to hear it! Any of it from any of you!"
The dungeon was plunged into silence. Never before had Snape reprimanded his own house.
"And if there's one more case of not obeying my instructions today, the whole class will have detention!" He turned on his heel and stalked back to his office, greatly resembling an overgrown bat.
He heard the whisperings of his students What's with Snape? I've never seen Snape do that? Did he wake up on the wrong side of the bed?
By dinnertime, the whole school knew that Severus Snape was being more unbearable than usual. And Professor Dumbledore called him back in his office, again.
"Severus, are you well?"
He mumbled something appropriate, but couldn't get visions of the blond witch out of his head.
The headmaster peered into the Potions master's pale face. He was concerned. He'd never seen Severus look so resigned. "I received this owl a little while ago. I don't know why it came to me, but it's meant for you."
Severus opened the envelope and saw a neat, feminine scrawl on the parchment.
Severus,
I'm so sorry that I disappeared on you
this morning. I had places to be,
muggle memories to alter, and meetings to attend. Last night was as wonderful as you remember it being. If you'd like to see me again, just think of
me. I'll show up when you least expect
it.
I
know that Dumbledore has told you that I'm careless with men's affections. If I have yours, you have my assurance that
this is not the case with you. I know
that affection is not something that you easily give, and I will treasure it
for as long as you are willing to allow me to have it. You have my respect, and my affections,
whether you want them or not.
With Love,
Antonia
Dumbledore saw something that he hadn't seen in years. Not since Lily Evans attended Hogwarts. Severus Snape smiled.
* * *
Hogsmeade
Severus sat down at The Three Broomsticks, alone, and nursed his butterbeer. All he could think of was her. Her blue eyes, her smile, her kisses… There was nothing in the whole world for him but Antonia.
She apparated in the seat beside him. "You've missed me," she remarked.
He sneered. "You're an impossible shrew who doesn't even say good-bye the morning after."
Antonia's smile lit up her face and reached her eyes. She looked positively radiant. "I've missed you, too, Severus." She slipped her hand over his.
He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to turn away from her. He wanted to ravage her. He wanted to hit her. He wanted to hate her. He wanted to love her. "I don't understand, Antonia. What is this?"
"This is me, sitting here beside you, telling you how much I miss you," she responded simply.
He softened, but only a bit.
"Can we go somewhere more private to talk?" she asked.
He nodded silently.
Somehow, Snape found himself on the edge of the lake. Antonia was lying on the grass, her blond hair fanned around her, gazing at the clouds. "Sit down, Severus. Get comfortable. It's a beautiful day."
He sneered. The sun was shining, the damned birds wouldn't shut the Hell up, and a butterfly just landed on Antonia's breasts. All of this nature and peace crap made him feel like he was going to vomit.
She sighed. "Really, Severus, it's not like the grass is going to attack you. Unless you'd rather try to talk in the middle of all of those people at The Three Broomsticks…"
He sat down about three meters (nine feet for you Americans) away from her.
"I hope I didn't upset you by leaving," she offered.
"How did you expect me to react," he replied coldly. "You just left. You just disappeared, like nothing… like nothing…"
"Like nothing what?" the pixie-like woman pressed gently.
"Like nothing special happened," he mumbled.
She rolled herself up to a sitting position. "It was very special. Don't ever let me hear you sell yourself short. You're worth way more than they think. You're worth way more, I bet, than you think."
He looked so lost and miserable to her… She crawled closer to him, the grass pressing into her knees. They were now only inches from each other. "Severus, all I want is for you to be happy."
He looked disgusted. "Happy. How can I be happy? Look at what I am! I was a Death Eater. The only reason that I even have a job is because Dumbledore took pity on me, and I'm rather good with potions. But he'll never give me the Defense Against Dark Arts position because I was one of The Dark Lord's servants. I'm never going to be anything more than what you see."
"Isn't that enough? I could never ask for you to be more than all that you are. And you never supported Voldemort's cause. Deep down, you know why you have that Dark Mark on your arm, and it's not out of 'support for the cause'."
He felt ashamed. He had joined a group that specialized in killing people for one reason: he wanted to belong to something, even if it wasn't something that he really believed in.
"But I did it. I came up with new potions for him, I was in line to be his heir. I was in his inner circle. How can you be so sure that I never supported him?"
"Because you loved someone that you could never have," she answered plainly. "You fell in love with a muggle born who was disastrous with potions. And there's no way that you could ever support something that considered killing her to be a wonderful thing."
He looked out at the lake in silence for a long time. "Lily," he said sadly, "was out of my league."
Her tone was equally sad. "And you were out of mine."
His fingers stroked her cheek. "And now? I don't want anyone else," he confessed. With that, he kissed her.
The two fell into a companionable silence.
"So, what does all of this mean?" Antonia asked, breaking the silence.
"It means that I can't stop thinking about you. I don't know how to act or how to feel. I just know that every time I close my eyes, I see you."
"The last few nights without you, I couldn't sleep. I just tossed and turned. I wanted to see you, but I couldn't get out here to do it."
"Dumbledore keeps calling me into his office."
"And Matthew keeps sending me owls. He says you've been an even bigger ass than usual, and this time, you're snarling at the Slytherins, too."
He shrugged. "I just hated not knowing. I thought that you didn't want me, and that you wanted to forget about that night." His eyes glowed, and his voice heated. "I could never forget that night, Antonia. Until then, no one ever told me that I was special without wanting me to do something for them. You told me that I was special, and you wanted to do for me."
Her blue eyes gazed at him adoringly. "Severus, all I've ever wanted was to be accepted. You do that, unquestioningly. You don't expect me to be good and pure. I'm none of those things. I'm not very good at caring for people. And that's okay with you. Do you have any idea how amazing that is?"
"You're beautiful. I couldn't ask for anything more."
She looked away from him, bitterness clouding her expression. "So, that's it. It's about my appearance. I'm nothing but a pretty face."
She watched the soft ripples of the lake and wondered what monsters lie beneath. "Of course, you were right, you know. A pretty face like mine, a body like mine, lusting after a slimy, greasy hook nosed bastard who doesn't know what he believes? Of course. I'm going to fall in love with a muggle terminator who chases mudbloods. And, of course, I'll be happy to be his trophy for all time."
He looked at her as though she'd struck him with the Crustaceous curse. "An—"
She cut him off harshly. "Just stop it. Stay away from me, Death Eater." She then apparated into nothingness.
Severus blinked stupidly and looked at the space on the lawn that his lover had just occupied. She was gone. She hated him. She thought he was… What the Hell happened? He thought he said something nice to her. His head ached. The light was blinding his eyes. The damned cheerfulness made him want to throw up.
To Hell with her. May that bitch… He could think of no suitable curse for her.
He heard the birds chirping happily at him. "Shut the fuck up!" he roared at the creatures around.
He heard one last tweet. Then, blessed silence.
The damned birds finally shut up, but he hadn't figured out how to black out the sun. So, he headed off to his sanctuary, the only place that he could safely do his penance for all the wrongs that he'd done. Severus Snape headed back to his damp and dank dungeon.
His dungeon could provide no solace. He looked at the counter where he held his lessons, and saw where she'd sat on his counter only days before. He remembered kissing her. Now, where her lovely bottom had once rested, there was a potion. It was sapphire blue, and it made him think of her eyes.
He picked up the tube holding the solution and threw it against the wall. He was going to his bed. "Lily Snape," he said listlessly to the mad scientist.
He didn't bother to light the torches, this time. "Lumos," he said listlessly. He treaded down the stone passage way, remembering how wonderful Antonia had felt in his arms as he carried her in his arms to his bed.
He remembered how sweetly she smiled at him when he put her down in his bed. He remembered the seduction that took place in his bed. He remembered how nervous he was, and how she calmed him. The whole bedroom just screamed at him "Antonia!"
Even his places of solitude couldn't forget her. How could he? Would her face haunt his dreams as Lily's did? He tried to picture Lily in his mind's eye. But Antonia's face was there, instead.