A/N: What's mine is mine, what's not belongs to JKR. That said, thanks to Tempesta. You, my love, are my muse, and I would be essentially lost without you. Tessie, thanks so much for taking the time to email me when ff.net was being an ass and not letting anyone review. That you would go the extra mile to give me feedback means a lot. Thanks again. Amanita, thanks for reviewing before ff.net went to Hell again. (I swear, I wish they'd get all the damned bugs fixed!)
Oh, and because of all the crap that ff.net has been doing, lately, Tempesta and I are working on starting another site for HP fics. I'll post the URL once it's up and running.
To everyone else, thanks for reading! I'll excuse y'all for not reviewing this time, since ff.net wouldn't let me anything since I posted chapter 11. ;)
And a warning: this chapter is a bit more graphic than the others. Not with sex, but with violence. You've been warned!
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It was close to midnight when he felt it. The Dark Mark was burning against his flesh. He didn't say anything to Antonia, this time. He didn't want to wake her and upset her. He knew that it would cause a delay. He knew how the Dark Lord felt about delays, as well. Like a thief in the night, he crept out of bed. "Accio robe," he whispered.
His clothes soundlessly slipped into his hands. There was an occasional rustling sound as he dressed himself. He was certain the creaking of their bedroom door would do him in.
But she heard nothing. Antonia was still sleeping soundly when he departed from the grounds.
They were all wearing their Death Eater hoods when they apparated at the Dark Lord's side.
"Tonight," the monstrosity began in his high whine, "We shall remind the world of our superiority…"
He listened to the words of the Dark Lord, trying to be as much of a faithful follower as he could. But much of the time, his mind was focused on memories of what had been said fifteen years before, rather than what was being said at the present.
He blindly followed along when they apparated to their next area. It was a small neighborhood in what looked like was once a farming community. He heard them before he saw them. There he was, in his old nightmare again, only this time, the nightmare was real.
There was fire around him. People were screaming. There were howls of agony and sobs of terror. Invariably, it was followed by a green flash of light, and then silence. In the background, he saw her. A beautiful little girl with red hair and green eyes. It was a shame that she was wearing such a brilliant shade of white. They would find her, and they would torture her, for, not only was she a muggle, she was a muggle who would most likely grow up to be beautiful.
Sadness weighed down on him when he realized that, after tonight, she would be dead, and would grow up to be nothing, for she would not grow at all.
A thought rushed through his head. I can save her. Yes, he could save that child and her family. She was Lily all over again. If he could save Lily this time, his penance would be complete, his sin would be absolved.
He willed himself to be invisible to his brethren in the Death Eater hoods. Let them not see as he did this one thing right. He grabbed the little girl and clamped a hand over her mouth. "Don't scream," he whispered. "These men have come to do a bad thing to your family. Go. Get them out of here. Tell them not to take anything with them, because there's not enough time. Run through the forests, hide in the trees. And don't come out until the sun rises."
The child looked at him, terror in her green eyes.
"Do you understand what I am telling you, child?"
She nodded, her little red braids bobbing.
"Go."
"Come with us," she whispered.
"I cannot. I'm one of them. Go save your family." He watched in the shadows as the little girl ran through the smoke. Her dress was no longer white as it was bathed in soot.
Perhaps you saved one, this time, he thought.
It mattered not. There were still at least a hundred more in this area that would be beyond his salvation. And their blood would be on his hands, for, whether he liked it or not, his words to Lily… the child… were accurate. He was one of them.
And he would be one of them until they were no more… or he was no more.
He heard the screams again. A woman, a muggle woman. She was screaming for help as one of the Death Eaters pushed her down and threw himself on top of her. Snape turned away, sickened. He wouldn't watch them rape that poor woman before they finally killed her. He heard the sounds of animals dying, and saw a cow running across the open stretch.
The cow was in flames. It gave one last sound of agony before collapsing in the field, still on fire.
There was the sound of gunfire and a scream. Against his will, his eyes turned. The Death Eater was dead on top of the muggle woman. As she tried to crawl away, a curse was shouted and a flash of green light struck her. Severus knew from his studies that she was dead before she hit the ground.
There was a man in overalls. He was holding the gun. At least, he was, until a Death Eater pointed the wand at him and screamed "Wingardium Leviosa!" The muggle floated into the air, screaming in terror.
Severus didn't want to die like that.
No, not even close. He wanted to die an old man at Antonia's side.
But as the fires exploded and the green lights flashed, as the muggles screamed for someone to save them, for God to take them, it seemed less likely.
The little girl. He saw her and two adults, her parents. They were carrying a small child who was wailing in the darkness. How difficult it must have been, how frightened they all had to be… He thought he could see tears on the little girl's face sparkling in the night.
He hoped that no Death Eaters could hear them above the other screams of terror. He hoped that the other Death Eaters were too busy killing someone else, rather than noticing that family that was trying to escape in the darkness.
A Death Eater charged them. You aren't going to kill Lily again, he thought as he raised his wand. "Avada Kedavra!" he hissed. Never before had he been filled with such righteousness when he made a kill.
The Death Eater charging the family collapsed in the field.
Lily… no, not Lily. The little girl. She paused and looked at him for a moment before she rejoined her family's sprint into the forest.
They were safe. But how safe he would be when the Dark Lord looked into his eyes remained to be seen.
Suddenly, the heavens opened and torrents of rain fell.
"Get out of here!" the Death Eaters were screaming as they disapparated. Another of them had fallen in their midst, his life taken by a Killing Curse thrown by an Auror who was on the scene.
He gave one last thought to the little girl and her family. He disapparated as an Auror moved closer to him. But before he left, he launched the Dark Mark in the sky.
They all apparated at the same clearing in the woods where they were, before. This time, they were all back in their appropriate places within his circle, kneeling before their master. "Would anyone like to tell me," the snake man hissed, forked tongue flicking, "what happened? How did a normal raid go so wrong? Three of our men are dead. An Auror showed up. The area is probably crawling with them, now."
The man walked around the circle, taking in the appearance of his servants. "Perhaps we need to think about how such a mistake was made… and how an entire family of those filthy muggles were allowed to go free."
He paused in front of Severus, who carefully pushed all thoughts of the child to the back of his mind. "You will stay after the others leave," the creature hissed under his breath.
"Never before," Voldemort announced, his voice loud for his Death Eaters once more, "have I been so disgusted with a raid. This was to be fun, to be easy… Instead, we were nearly defeated. Randall Dupree, Marcus Malloy, and Barry Buchanan were lost. They were brave men who died a death befitting that of a Death Eater. But it is too early in the battle to lose anymore of your brethren. I want you to go, and to think. Think of how my sons were lost. Think of what we can do to punish those stinking muggles for forcing us to hide our magic and to suppress our true nature."
The Death Eaters began to disapparate around them, one by one. Pop, pop, pop!
Finally, they were alone.
"Tell me, Severus," he hissed, running his long, inhuman fingers down Snape's throat. "How is it that something so simple as muggle torture goes wrong? An entire family gets away? And one of our own is dead in a field by the Killing Curse, chasing, it seems, after muggles—" He said the word with disgust. "—and not an Auror in sight?"
Severus swallowed tightly. "Perhaps the first Auror came on to the scene before we knew?"
"Perhaps… perhaps… I just find it interesting that all of these things begin happening after you take a Ministry bride."
Severus tried not to let his surprise show. How did he know?
"I know everything, Severus. Sometimes, it's like I can crawl into your head, so clear are your thoughts."
"May I speak, my Lord?"
"You may."
"My wife left the Ministry. Her loyalty is to me. Her former friends of the ministry are my enemies, therefore, they are her enemies."
"And she supports herself how?" Voldemort demanded.
"She teaches at Hogwarts, so that she may remain by my side."
"You will have to bring me your wife, Severus. I know Narcissa Malfoy well enough. I know that she is an asset to our cause. I must wonder, will your wife be a faithful servant to us? Or will she be a millstone around your neck?"
Severus looked up at him, pale. "My wife?"
"I want your wife. To see her. To be sure that she will not be our downfall."
"When, my Lord?" He hoped he didn't throw up. Waves of nausea were reflected internally.
"When I see fit." The Dark Lord turned at looked at the sky. A rich orange was beginning to appear in the horizon. "You are dismissed."
He kissed Voldemort's robes. "Thank you, master." He disapparated.
* * *
She lay in their bed, still sleeping. He was grateful. It had been a hard night after a day with too little sleep. He was disappointed that Lucius Malfoy wasn't listed among the dead.
Tenderly, he stroked her cheek. She was still here, alive, and she was his. "I love you, Antonia."
His mind's eye imposed the face of Lily over that of his wife. "Lily," he whispered, still gently touching her face. "I saved you, tonight. I'm just so sorry I didn't do it right the first time…"
The woman in his bed shifted again, and her face was once more the countenance of his Antonia.
He was lost. Waves of nausea swept through him as he recalled the events of the night… the events of his life. That little girl… Hopefully, the Aurors found her and her family and altered their memories. They did not need to have any memory of the horrific events that had befallen their friends and neighbors.
No, there were some horrors that people were better off not remembering. He, unfortunately, had no Auror to erase his memories. And the screams of those people that he could not save would forever be in his head.
Antonia's eyes fluttered. "Severus? What's wrong, darling? What happened?" The anguish was written across his face. Even in her sleepy state, she could see it.
"I don't know what I am anymore," he confessed.
He knelt beside the bed and rested his head on her breasts. He could hear her heart beating. It made him feel less hideous, to know that there was someone beside him who cared for him. He needed to hear and see representatives of life.
"Shh," she whispered, stroking his oily locks. He smelled of smoke and of terror, but it mattered not. All that mattered was that he was here, that he was with her, that he was still alive.
"I've seen horrors tonight that could drive a man mad, Antonia," he whimpered. "If the Dementors ever get a hold of me, I'd lose my sanity in five minutes."
"Shh… It will be okay, darling. I promise. There will be no Dementors for you to fear. Nothing will hurt you. Not here, not while you love me."
"I'm no better than them," he cried.
"You are, darling. You still love. You care for things. The world has not become all about dominance for you."
"I killed a man tonight, Antonia. I pointed my wand at him and I used the Killing Curse. I didn't flinch. I just… I just did it."
She didn't act sickened or horrified. No, she just kept stroking him, telling him that it would be okay. "You didn't strike him down in cold blood. I know you. I know you aren't like that. For you to use an Unforgivable Curse, he had to have been doing an unforgivable act."
"He was going to kill her all over again. I saw Lily there tonight."
"Severus, you couldn't have seen Lily," Antonia protested weakly.
"I know that it wasn't her, but at the same time, it was her. A little girl with her red hair, with her green eyes. She was wearing a white dress. I sent her to get her family out of their house before the Death Eaters marched on them. When they were running for the forest, a Death Eater came up, ready to kill them. So, I… I killed him first."
"Darling, you did the only thing that you could do. Had you not killed that one man, an entire family would have been slaughtered. And for what? For not being of a pureblood wizarding family? What is the value of pure blood, anyway? Even the Dark Lord himself cannot boast of such a lineage."
"It was almost as though I made up for not being able to save Lily."
She felt sickened. She wanted to scream. Lily, Lily, LILY! That was what the world was about to him! Where did she figure in? Then, she realized what a bitch she was being. The death of Lily Evans Potter had haunted him for fourteen years. At this time, her husband needed her unwavering support, not her petty jealousies.
"Lily wouldn't have wanted you to torture yourself like you've been doing. I think she'd be glad that you found me, again."
"I know. But it isn't over. The Dark Lord… he suspects that my loyalties may have wavered. He wants to meet you."
She trembled. "I won't. I won't do it."
"He'll kill us both if we don't. We have no choice." His voice was grim. He'd just left that Hell, and he knew that he would have to go back. And he would have to bring his lover with him.
"Why did you have to answer his call? Why did you have to go? We should be in the south of France, enjoying a quiet, peaceful life. Perhaps we should be living in the States with the Yanks. We should be anywhere but here, worrying about this!"
"It's the only way, Antonia."
"Why? We can… we can run! We can just pack our bags and disappear in the night, and take the boys with us. There's a way where they'll never find us!"
"No, Antonia. It doesn't work. Lily and James thought so, too, and they are dead. This is our only chance. I have to bring him down. As long as the Dark Lord walks, I'll never be free of him."
"May I be perfectly honest with you?" she asked, her voice hushed.
He looked up at her and took her hand in his. "That's all that I could ask of you."
"I'm afraid."
"So am I," he whispered.
"Join me in the shower?"
He tried to smile at her. "Gladly."
She padded, barefoot, to the shower. He loved to watch her. When she was unclothed, every stretch, every movement was a sensual torture.
Against his will, his mind's eye shifted. He heard her turn on the water, he felt her pull him in behind her. But he was seeing the Dark Lord standing with them under the full moon. He saw the Dark Lord touch her face; he heard the Dark Lord tell her how lovely she was.
When she refused to serve the Dark Lord, he saw his master pick up his wand and place a body bind curse on him. Worst of all, he saw the Dark Lord begin to torture Antonia… and there was nothing that he could do, except listen to her screams.
"Severus," she whispered. There was a vacant look in his eyes as he sank to the floor. "Severus!" she screamed, shaking him.
His eyes lost the vacancy, but there was a terror in his arms when he reached out and grabbed her. He pulled her down to the floor with him and held her tight.
"Severus, please! You're scaring me! What's going on? I don't understand any of this!" she cried.
His arms were wrapped around her so that she could not move, so that she could scarcely breathe. "My Antonia," he sobbed.
She saw the tears running down his face, the tears that she was powerless to stop.
"Severus, I don't know what to do," she wept, burying her face against him. She couldn't bare to lose him, not again. But he was terrifying her beyond any fright the Dark Lord could give her.
"Just don't leave me," he begged. "I know it's selfish of me, but please don't pack your bags and leave me… I don't know if I will come out of this alive, but I'd rather be dead now than to have him take you from me."
"I can't leave you," she whispered, her tears mixing with the sprinkling water from the shower as both poured down her face. "You're my life, Severus. I'm so afraid of what will happen to you."
He kissed her, a hard bruising kiss that held all of the pent up emotion from within. He felt her kissing him back with equal ardor. There were forces out there that were beyond their control. But they had each other. And that would be enough to get them through.