Kerry stumbled down the sidewalk, cursing her crutch. The little cracks were really not helping her to walk, and neither were the 2 full bags of groceries she had to balance in one arm. Sometimes she wished she didn't have to walk with the stupid crutch. But it came in handy when Malucci got out of line. He was pretty scared of it.
Walking slowly, she passed the restaurant where she had eaten with Kim and her friends. Sighing, she remembered the feelings of exclusion from that night. She was different..she hadn't belonged there. And she had given up Kim because of it...No. She had given up Kim because she was scared. She didn't want to be "gay". But she was. And she loved Kim. But it was all over now. She turned abruptly and walked back towards her apartment. She needed to rent out her basement again, she hadn't since Carter moved out. She needed the money. She tried to think of other things, but her mind drifted back to Kim.
Kerry focused her attention on getting home without dropping her packages, not on Kim and dissappointing her. She bumped rudely into someone she couldn't see over the brown paper bags. "Sorry." She said, without much emotion, reminding herself to get plastic bags next time.
Glancing at the red hair sticking out over the packages and the crutch poking the uneven ground, the other woman paused before saying, "Kerry, is that you?"
"Huh?" Kerry put down the bags and looked at the woman she had bumped into. "Hi Kim. Nice..um, running into you."
"Yeah. You need some help with those bags?"
"No, I'll be OK. Besides, it's out of your way."
"No, really, I'll help. It's just a few blocks. Come on. Let me help you."
"Well...I guess so. Thanks Kim...as if this crutch wasn't bad enough, the sidewalk is full of cracks. Just not my day, I guess."
They walked a block and a half in uncomfortable silence until Kim said, "Kerry, how's the hospital?"
"Same old, I guess...well, we could use you for the psych consults. You've got a way with the wild ones, I have to say that."
"Yeah, well, you should have thought of that when you were talking to that little weasel Romano." She was only half kidding.
"Kim, about that...I'm sorry. I mean, I know I told you that already, but I really am. I like you...I love you...but I was too... stupid, too scared...to tell Romano. I don't know, he's a jerk anyway, but...I hope there's another chance for us. I can't stop thinking of you."
"If you cared, you'd march into Romano's office and tell him what you told me. That you think you need me there, that I am worth having...you wouldn't let me down like that."
"I don't know, Kim. I could promise you, I could say I'll do it, but when the time comes to go in there, I'm not sure I can. I'm sorry. I do love you, but I'm not ready yet."
"Well, I am sorry to hear that. If you were ready, you would have done it on your own. If you ever think you're ready, you know what to do. Just give me a call if you're willing to try it. I don't promise I'll come running back, but I do love you, Kerry, and I think we can work this out."
"I hope so...I'm sorry, Kim." They reached Kerry's door. "I wish I could do something else, but I'll give you a call. Can we try to just be friends for a while?"
"I don't think so, Kerry. Because as much as you should have helped me as my girlfriend, you should have helped me more as my friend. Sorry. Bye for now, Kerry. I'm going to go home. This was farther out of my way than I thought." Kim turned and walked away, and Kerry knew there was no chance for reconciliation until she faced her fears. Sighing, she walked into her apartment and closed the door behind her, shutting out the world that was full of conflicting messages and confusing choices.