You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed.
-The Joker, from The Killing Joke.
***
She found him beneath the bridge, as she knew she would. Squatting by the stone arch, knees hugged to chest, staring vacantly over the crimson-tainted water - he displayed none of his earlier rage. Stones crunched underfoot at her approach, but he gave no indication of hearing. He must have heard me, she thought, why doesn't he say something?
She crouched behind him, waiting for some kind of acknowledgement. He's still in his girl-form, she noted with some surprise. He's had plenty of time to change back; why hasn't he? She watched him carefully for any reaction to her presence, but the red-haired girl continued to idly watch the gently-rolling waves. The dying sunlight softly outlined him, delicately tracing the feminine contours of his body, catching in the tousled folds of his hair, casting long shadows behind him; the wind gently tugged at the few loose strands that escaped the pig-tail. He really _is_ beautiful, thought Akane.
The silence remained undisturbed except for the murmuring of the river, the whistling of the wind, and the seemingly far-off sounds of the city. Time passed. Akane's impatience grew. He might be upset, but the least he could do was acknowledge her presence!
"Ranma?" she asked quietly.
The red-haired girl gave no response. A couple passed over the bridge, subdued snippets of their conversation drifting down. Akane frowned slightly, keeping her frustration in check.
"Ranma? Aren't you going to say anything?" she said.
He moved slightly, shifting some of his weight to the other leg. Akane heard him take in a deep breath - shuddering, trembling?
Finally, he spoke, but it came out too faintly to hear. "I... I didn't hear you. Ranma?" she said gently. She tentatively reached out towards him with one hand.
He responded, louder this time.
"Just... go away, Akane. Leave me alone."
She snapped her hand back.
"Wh... what?" she said.
Ranma snapped his head around. His eyes were red, swollen, puffy. "I said, go away! Leave. Me. Alone!" he nearly shouted. Anger flared in his eyes...
... as he stood up, face flushed, hands clenched at his sides, blood welling from deep gashes in his knuckles. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" he screamed.
Everyone scrambled back, away, confused and frightened. Remnants of the destroyed table scattered beneath their hasty retreat, the food from supper strewn everywhere. Flaming tongues of anger danced along the red-head's body, enveloping Ranma in a blazing corona.
He staggered a few steps back, eyes unnaturally wide, his whole body trembling. He steadied himself against the wall, his hand slipping the first time, catching on the second. He took a deep, shaky breath, face pressed against the smooth wood, eyes squeezing shut. Someone took a hesitant, nervous step towards him; Shampoo, possibly, or maybe Ukyou - Akane could not tell, her eyes never left Ranma's anguished face. His reaction was immediate. His head snapped around, his eyes snapped open, one arm snapped up. "Don't... don't..." he said. The person halted, backed off.
So did Ranma. He stumbled back a step, then another, into the kitchen. "I... I gotta get out of here." he mumbled. "I gotta think... got to be... alone." He shot another fierce stare into the room, at the group. "Do you understand me? Alone. ALONE!" His gaze swept over everyone, but hesitated, briefly, over her. Their eyes locked. Did his eyes soften, ever so slightly, for just a moment? Did she catch a glimpse, ever so briefly, of anguish instead of anger?
"Leave. Me. Alone." he yelled, and then turned and ran into the kitchen, the skirt of his school uniform billowing with the sudden movement. A second later there was a terrible smashing sound, and he was gone.
The fire in his eyes died down. "Please, Akane..." he said, almost pleading. "Just... leave me alone. I need to think." He turned away, staring back at the river. Cherry blossoms, carried on the evening wind, fluttered by.
Akane hesitated for a long moment. She had never seen him like this before, never seen such a haunted look in his eyes. She watched the diminutive red-head, his hunched back, his slack pig-tail, and recalled the tormented look he had briefly shared with her. She steeled herself - Ranma needed her help, no matter what he said. She reached out again. Her hand hovered over Ranma's shoulder.
"Don't touch me." said Ranma. He shuffled out of her reach.
Akane pulled her hand back with a sigh.
The wind blew by again, this time cooler. Akane wrapped her arms around herself, trembling slightly. "Ranma... you need to talk about this. Please... can't you trust me?" she asked softly.
His back stiffened at her words. He turned his body slightly, his profile cast against the half-sunk orb of the sun. Akane could see that Ranma was breathing heavily, his feminine breasts heaving slightly, arms wrapped around his knees.
He spoke, not directly at her, but loud enough to be heard clearly. "Trust you? How can I trust an uncute, unfeminine tomboy like you?" He caught her slap easily, holding Akane's wrist in a firm grip. "You see?" he sighed. "How can I?"
Akane relaxed her arm, firmly took control of her temper. The slap had been... unconscious - she had lashed out instinctively. Not that he hadn't deserved it, testing her like that. "I, I... I'm sor... sorry, Ranma" she said, and suddenly realised that she truly meant it this time.
He turned his head slightly, his eyes locking with hers. They were now unreadable, carefully controlled. "Are you? Really? Maybe. But that doesn't really make any difference, now does it? If we talk... I'll say something that'll anger you... you'll slap me, or hit me, or we'll argue. I... I can't deal with that, not today."
He dropped his gaze. So did Akane. She realised he was still holding on to her hand. The grip had loosened, she could pull her hand free if she wanted to. She didn't.
He turned his head back to the water, but did not move away. He continued to stare into the distance. The sun sank beneath the horizon, casting its final, scarlet rays across the sky; moments later, the soft darkness of dusk slowly enveloped Nerima.
Long minutes passed. Each one felt far, far longer to Akane. She yearned to speak, to draw answers out of Ranma, but she did not dare disturb him, or risk driving him away. As long as he held her hand, though, she knew they were connected, and drew hope from that link, as tenuous and fragile as it seemed to be. It came as a small shock when he finally did speak, his voice so soft she almost missed it.
"I really don't think I could handle it today. An argument. It's been... a bad day. A very bad day. Shampoo. Kuno. Ryoga. Pop." He took a deep breath. "This damn curse!" There was a dull thud as his fist slammed into the hard-packed earth, though his grip with the other hand remained gentle on Akane's wrist. "I HATE this curse! I HATE being a girl!"
Akane frowned slightly. What was so horrible about being a girl? She started to say those very words when he glanced at her, and she saw, briefly, a flicker of his earlier anger.
"Don't... don't say it, Akane. Don't ask me what's so terrible 'bout being a girl! I'm a g... I'm... " His whole body quivered. "I'M NOT A GIRL!" His fist slammed into the ground again. His fingers clutched convulsively into the earth. "I'm not..." he whispered. He took a deep calming breath, while Akane looked on in concern.
He turned his eyes back to the water. Dark shadows danced among the waves in the dim evening light, as the first pale stars of the night pierced the twilight veil. He continued talking in a soft voice.
"You have no way of knowing what it's like. This curse. What it's done. To me, to my life. To..." He glanced at her for a moment, then quickly looked away "... everything. It's messing up my whole life!"
Akane moved slightly closer to him. He didn't move away this time. She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. What could she say? It was true. She had no idea what it was like, being cursed.
"Maybe... maybe if I turned into a panda, like Pop, or a duck, like Mousse, or a pi... " he hesitated for a moment. "... or even into some kinda monster, like Taro, it wouldn't be so bad. But a girl?"
"What? You'd rather turn into a... a monster, instead of a..." said Akane, angrily.
"YES!" shouted Ranma. "At least a monster doesn't have perverts trying to fondle him! A least a monster doesn't feel like his masculinity is slipping away from him! A least... at least a monster can go HOME!"
Akane's eyes opened wide. Home! His mother...
... was visiting, again. 'Ranko' sat demurely at the table next to Akane, while Kasumi and Mrs. Saotome served out breakfast. The glum look on Ranma's face was priceless, but Akane was starting to get a little worried. The three days of his mother's visit had been harrowing on him - the constant close-calls with hot water, the unrelenting stress, his mother's attempts to make a 'proper-young-lady' out of him - and he was starting to look frayed around the edges.
Akane picked up her bowl and started to eat, unconsciously passing the occasional morsel down to P-Chan. She sneaked a glance at her fiance. Her eyes widened. He wasn't eating! With her food - she felt a moment's annoyance - that might not be unusual. With Kasumi's food, definitely noteworthy. With Mrs. Saotome's? Unheard of! She leaned over and nudged him with her elbow.
"Ranma? What's wrong? You're not eating!" she hissed.
"I'm... I'm not hungry." he mumbled, pushing his bowl towards the centre of the table. Father swept it up within a second of Ranma removing his hand.
Akane felt a small shiver rush through her. Not hungry? "Since when's a freeloading pig like you not hungry?" she taunted.
He rose to his feet. "I'm heading off to school. I don't wanna be late." he said, walking towards the door, ignoring her completely. Akane's smile disappeared. He hadn't taken the bait? He'd ignored her? P-Chan gave a little squeal of confusion, and looked up at her with wide eyes. She shrugged.
Nodoka suddenly stood. "Ranko, dear, where do you think you're going?" she asked in her sweet voice. 'Ranko' froze.
"I'm... ah, going to school, Auntie Nodoka." he said miserably.
"And what about our little talk last night?" she said.
"But... but... I don't wanna!" moaned Ranma, his back still turned to them.
"Ranko! I thought we agreed on this!" Nodoka's voice hardened. He flinched. "You can't keep wearing those boy's clothes to school. You're a girl." Ranma flinched again. "That's why I bought you that school uniform yesterday!"
An obvious tremor shook Ranma's whole body. "NO! You can't make me!" he shouted. "I won't wear a dress to school!" His fists clenched into tight trembling balls pressed fiercely to his side.
Ms. Saotome was silent for several moments. Finally, she spoke in a soft, wounded voice. "You're right, Ranko. I can't force you... after all, I'm not your mother, am I?"
It seemed then to Akane that only Ranma and his mother were in the room, one with his back turned, defiant and angry, the other tired, lonely, hurt. Mrs. Saotome suddenly seemed so small and alone. Ranma turned, slowly. His face was flushed red, his eyes hard, but they softened the moment he saw his mother. He seemed to deflate before Akane's eyes.
"I... I'm... mothe... " he mumbled. He suddenly resembled his mother - small and alone. He took a hesitant step towards her. "I'm sorry." he whispered. "I'll... I'll wear the uniform you bought me. I... I promise." He shuffled by the group, head hung low.
He stopped at the stairs and glanced back. "I... I could never say 'no' to you... auntie Saotome." he said. The morning sunlight glimmered on his cheeks as he stumbled up the stairs.
Mrs. Saotome collapsed next to the table. "Poor girl..." she whispered.
"Oh... " breathed Akane. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Ranma. It... it's not about the curse, is it? Your mother... that's the problem, isn't it, Ranma? Your mom?" she asked gently. "You... miss her, don't you?" Akane felt a stab of pain as memories of her own mother pushed at the edge of her consciousness. She ignored them. Not now. Later. "You... want to go home, don't you? You want to spend time with her. It hurts you to see her... alone." Alone. I'll be alone again as well, thought Akane, if he...
His fierce glare softened, seemed to search for something in her. Akane imagined she could see herself reflected in his shimmering eyes. She felt a sudden pressure on her hand; he gave her another little squeeze, then looked away. She watched him questioningly.
"It's not just my mom, Akane." he said. "At least I still get to see her, even if I have to pretend I'm Ranko. At least she's not..." He glanced at her, flushing slightly, then looked away hurriedly, "...dead." Akane blinked. "Lying to my mom is hard. Seeing her hurt is worse. That's why I can't say 'no' to her... I can't do anything to hurt her."
Ranma fell silent. Akane waited for him to continue, but the quiet only deepened. She suddenly realised how dark it was. Lamps cast flickering orbs of light on the street above, giving the softly-flowing river a creamy luminescence. The full moon danced among the rippling waves.
"Ranma?" she prompted.
Ranma gave a little start. "But I guess it's too late for that." He gave a bitter snort. "I doubt my little display today impressed her."
"We... we were all a little, ah, surprised." said Akane.
"Surprised? No, more like terrified. You should've seen her, Akane. She had no idea what was wrong with her dear 'Ranko'. She thought it was her own fault. Hers!" He sighed. "She probably thinks it's 'cus she insisted I wear _this_ stupid thing!" He absently pulled at the fabric of his skirt. Akane hadn't really noticed he was still wearing it.
"Well... isn't it, in a way?" asked Akane. "You seemed, well, mostly fine, till this morning."
Ranma's eyes widened. His hand stopped playing in the folds of his clothes. "How... how could you be so _stupid_? So _blind_? You... you think _this_ is why I blew up today?" he yelled, fiercely tugging at his uniform. "Because of, of THIS?"
With a loud tearing sound his clothes ripped apart at the seams. With a strangled scream he tore off the tattered blouse and threw it from him; the ragged fabric gently floated to the ground a few feet from Akane. Akane felt her rage grow and begin to exceed her self-control.
Stupid? How dare he! And here she was, trying to help him!
Blind? Everyone had spent _hours_ looking for him, but _she_ was the one who found him!
"You idiot!" raved Ranma. "You don't know anything, do you?! You stupid, stupid, kawai... " His tirade ended abruptly as Akane's fist connected solidly with his jaw. He went sprawling, landing in a heap of splayed limbs.
"You JERK!" she yelled back, as Ranma quickly scrambled to his feet. His face was red, furious; she knew hers was an equal match. Akane was angry, seething - but somewhere inside, she also felt... relief. This she understood... _this_ she could deal with.
"Whaddya do _that_ for?" he demanded.
"You insulted me!"
"It's not an insult if it's the truth!"
"Excuse me? And after I tried to help you?!"
Ranma rubbed his jaw, still throbbing from Akane's fierce right-hook. "You call THIS help?"
"Well you asked for it!"
"For what, your help? I _told_ you to leave me alone!" Akane felt her anger twist and turn in her stomach. Why did this always happen? Ranma continued on. "I _told_ you we'd end up fighting! I _told_ you I couldn't deal with this today!"
"We wouldn't be fighting if _you_ weren't such an insensitive JERK!"
Ranma snorted. "I should've known! What was I thinking... tryin' to talk to a violent tomboy like you!"
Akane stamped her foot in frustration. "Well fine! I'm sorry I even bothered!"
"Hey! It's not like I asked ya to! I told you to leave me ALONE!"
Akane felt the beginning of tears well up in her eyes. Why? Why did Ranma always have to be such a jerk? Well, she had tried to help, tried to understand. Fine. If he wanted to be alone... Akane spun away from him, the anger draining away, leaving an acrid taste in her mouth. "Fine, Ranma." she muttered as she began to walk away. "Have it your way. I'm... I'm sorry I worried about you."
"But do you ever listen to..." Ranma suddenly hesitated, then stopped. "You were... worried?" he said in a soft voice. Akane continued to walk. "Well I don't know why you bothered! It's not like I need your help!" He was yelling again. Akane silently walked away.
She reached the concrete wall slanting up to the street. She steadied herself against it for a second, the rough stone cool beneath her palm. She took a deep breath, then started climbing. She could still hear Ranma behind her.
"I don't need your help! I don't need _anyone's_ help! I'm a g... I'm... I..." Akane tried tuning his angry voice out. She couldn't. She realised that she was crying. "So... so leave me alone! You hear me? Don't you understand? You stupid..."
She reached the top.
"...violent...
She pulled herself up.
"...kawaikunee...
She stood.
"...TOMBOY..."
She took her first step away.
"DON'T LEAVE!"
Akane hesitated. There was a sudden rush of air, the sound of someone lightly landing, and then he was standing behind her. She slowly turned. His face was still flushed, still angry - but now, was that concern she saw lurking behind his wrath? A sense of pleading, a desire for understanding, for Akane to look _beyond_ his words? Had... had that look _always_ been there? Ranma just stood, trembling slightly, staring, locking his eyes with hers. An odd thought flitted across her mind: it's his eyes... they never change. Whether he's male or female, they always remain the same. Blue, sure, but... more than that. Strong. And caring. And, for just a moment, open to her - revealing a... friend, consumed with guilt, anger, frustration, self-loathing... a bundle of conflicting emotions tearing him apart. It scared her.
Ranma opened his mouth as if to say something. He faltered, closed his mouth, hesitated for a moment... then spun and leapt down to the river-bed. Without looking back once he walked back under the bridge. Akane watched the red-head crouch down by the water's edge, his features fading with the distance and darkness. Should she follow him? Did he _want_ her to follow? After all, he had been absolutely right - they _had_ said something stupid, they _had_ argued. What if... what if she said the wrong thing, and he got angry again, lost control, like earlier today? What if Ranma...
... snapped. Akane saw it in his eyes, in the sudden shudder that tore through his body. She glanced around nervously, but no one else seemed to notice - they just stood by, expecting the usual.
"What did you say?" asked Ranma softly. He slowly put down his bento box, his hand trembling almost imperceptibly. He shifted slightly in his desk, turning towards the speaker.
"I said you look... cute." said Ryoga, a mocking tone to his voice. "That makeup makes you look like a real girl... like the girl you obviously really are." He leaned back against a desk, smirking slightly.
"My mom asked me to wear it, Ryoga." answered Ranma in a voice that seemed, to Akane, dangerously low. "When she brought me my lunch. I promised...
"Did you promise her to go out on a date, too?" taunted his rival. "Maybe if you're lucky, some guy'll ask you..." He started to say. He never finished.
It was almost impossible to see. One moment, Ranma was at his desk. The next, without a word, without a sound, he was slamming his fists into Ryoga's stomach. The bandanna-clad boy went hurtling back; almost before he smashed into the blackboard, Ranma was on him again, grabbing him, effortlessly lifting him overhead, swinging him down and around, crashing through desks, crushing him into the floor. It was a careless, reckless, uncontrolled move - several of his classmates almost got hit by flying desks or the flailing Ryoga. Ranma continued to ram his fists into his rival's torso, arms a blur, face frighteningly blank, empty of rage or hate, simply focused entirely on destroying his opponent.
Ryoga tried desperately to respond. His fists swung around and connected solidly with the side of Ranma's head; each time, the head snapped back momentarily, then, seemingly heedless of the blow, returned to staring down at Ryoga. Blood spurted from Ryoga's mouth; the floor split and cracked. Ranma stopped pounding on his rival long enough to pick him up and hurl him through a wall, then leap after him through the hole. A moment later, Ryoga came flying back, and this time smashed through the window. It was a three-story drop. The fight didn't last much longer after that.
Akane could never remember seeing him that way before - beyond reason, fighting without a care for those around him, totally focused on destroying the... object... before him. Several Furinkan classmates had received minor injuries. Ryoga was still recovering from the brutal beating Ranma had given him. It had taken an unexpected appearance from Shampoo to stop him - and, when she had tried to intervene, he had turned his attention onto the chinese girl. His fist had stopped with the knuckle brushing the tip of her nose. For a long moment, he had stood there, frozen, Shampoo's eyes squeezed shut in fear; then, with a nearly inarticulate, strangled scream, he had turned and ran away.
And now... Akane felt a sudden twinge of fear. Ranma had brutally battered Ryoga... he had _almost_ hit Shampoo... could... could Ranma possibly hit _her_, if pushed too far?
Then she remembered the eyes. Filled with anger, yes, but beneath it, a look of concern - even when furious, he was still worried... about her. And Akane suddenly realised that she would never have anything to fear, anything at all, from Ranma.
She let out a deep sigh. Ranma was always there for her... now it was her turn to be there for him... even if he _was_ acting like a jerk. She nimbly leapt down from the street, landing quietly on the soft earth. Ranma glanced back at her as she landed, then turned away and resumed his study of the flowing water. Akane quickly crossed over to him, wordlessly sat next to him, joined him in his silent surveillance of the glimmering waters.
"Thanks." he said, without once turning or looking at her. "For not leaving." Akane noticed that he had slightly extended his hand to her. She timidly reached out and grasped it with her own.
A heavily silence fell between them. Akane fought down a mirthless, bitter laugh. Minutes ago the words had come so easily - insults, curses, thoughtless comments. Now... now she couldn't think of a single thing to say. And, she suddenly realised, maybe she didn't have to, not right away. Ranma seemed calmer now; maybe just being here, sitting next to him, holding his hand, was helping.
Once again the long moments passed, Akane wondering how to pierce the quiet between them, Ranma - aside from the cool touch of his hand - seemingly unaware of her presence. The pale moonlight flickered as it passed beneath a looming cloud. Ranma suddenly shivered, awkwardly hugging himself with his free arm.
"You cold?" asked Akane. It occurred to her that Ranma didn't have a top on. His undershirt did very little to warm him. Or conceal his rather plentiful feminine curves. He really ought to have developed _some_ sense of feminine modesty by now, thought Akane, then decided against mentioning it.
"Yeah."
Akane looked around, then picked up the tattered remains of Ranma's school uniform. Well, _that_ wasn't going to help him any. She looked up. Ranma was rummaging through his backpack.
His backpack?
"Where'd that come from?" she asked.
Ranma glanced up, looking a bit sheepish. He put down a thermos and started pulling out his favourite red shirt. Something yellow tumbled out, which he quicklky grabbed and stuffed back in. "Ahhhh... I sneaked into the house 'bout an hour after I ran out." he said, pulling on the shirt.
Akane felt a flicker of her earlier anger, but kept it in. Did he have any idea how worried everyone had been? How everyone had split up to look for him? How worried _she_ had been? Ranma cleared his throat.
"Ah, Akane?" he said, twitching his hand. She looked down. He needed to let go of her to put his shirt on; she needed to let go of him. She released her grip.
He did the same, almost reluctantly, and pulled on the other sleeve. He quickly stood up and gave his legs a quick stretch, then stuffed the trailing edges of his shirt into his school-skirt. He reached down and scooped up some pebbles. Akane glanced at his pack. Something sank in the pit of her stomach. He had his bedroll with him. Cooking equipment. A spare set of clothes. Travelling food. Enough for quite a while.
A rock skipped across the river, releasing a moist staccato beat. Akane looked at him, silhouetted against the night sky, standing by the river's edge. "Ranma?" she asked softly.
"Yes?" Another rock bounced its way to the other side.
"Where are you going?"
He hesitated briefly. "Away." A third rock slapped the water's surface a half-dozen times.
Akane's heart skipped a beat. "Why?"
The pebble sank with a single splash. "Because of today. Because of this whole week. Because of, of,... of everything! I need a break! I... this curse, that's why. I'm sick and tired of being a girl!" He crouched down by the river's edge.
Akane sighed. So they hadn't really made any progress after all. And yet... _he_ had called to _her_, asked her to stay. Why? Was that the reason? To tell her he was leaving? Or to... to get her to convince him to stay?
She absently picked up the thermos that had rolled out of Ranma's bag. Her eyebrow rose in surprise. It was warm! "Ranma... this thermos is warm! Is it full of hot water?" she asked.
She heard a deep sigh. Ranma walked back to her and smoothly sat down. He gently took the thermos from her and put it away. "Yeah." he said, tying down the straps on his pack.
"Then... why are you still a girl?" she ventured. "Why havn't you changed back?"
Ranma turned fully towards Akane. He released her hand, and shifted into a cross-legged sitting position. He unconsciously began to smooth down the folds of the skirt between his legs.
"Why?" His mouth twisted in a sardonic smile. " 'Cus I don't deserve to, that's why. That's the problem, you see - _that_ is why I've got to leave. Look at me, Akane! What kind of man am I? I'm a shame to my family, to my fiancee; I'm afraid to even show myself to my own mother... a mother who would make me _kill_ myself if she saw the real me.
"And why? 'Cus I'm not a man, not a _real_ man." Akane opened her mouth to say something, but Ranma cut her off. "No, Akane, it's true. And you know it, too, whatever you were gonna say to convince me otherwise. I can see it in your eyes. And you've told me often enough... I'm a pervert, remember?" His smile twisted slightly, turned bitter. "And this _is_ the real me, for now, anyways. I don't deserve to return to being a man. I proved _that_ today, anyways."
"I'm sure you had a good reason for what... for what happened today." said Akane. "I..."
"Had a good reason?" exclaimed Ranma. Anger flared in his eyes. "Of course I had a good reason!" His eyes softened slightly. "But that's still no excuse. I shouldn't have lost control. A martial artist should never lose control. Not a _true_ martial artist.
"But that's not why I'm leaving. That's not why I'm still in my cursed form."
"It isn't?"
"No. I'm leaving because... because I need to find a cure. And... I decided that 'till I find one... I'm staying this way. As incentive. Or a reminder. And if I..." he gulped. "I never find one... then I'll be a girl for the rest of my life. Just as if Ryoga hadn't gone after the Kaisuihuu."
"Ranma..." started Akane.
"No!" he interrupted. "Let me finish. But that _won't_ happen. It won... it can't. 'Cus I need one. A cure. Soon. Before I go crazy. Before... "
Akane took his hand again, holding it between both of hers. "Before what?"
He sighed. "Before... before I forget what it's like to be a guy. Before... before I lose more of myself to this curse. Before my manhood just... slips away."
"What?" exclaimed Akane.
He sighed again and gave her a sad look. "It's true, Akane. Just look at me. Look at what I'm wearing! A girl's... a girl's school uniform! Bit by bit, this's girl's body is breaking me down! (1)
"First... first, I got.... " he hesitated, then shook his head. "No. I'm not going to get into that, not now. It's personal." Akane felt a twinge of sorrow within - too personal to share with her? "And in any case, " he continued, smirking slightly, "I doubt you wanna hear about the problems of some pervert."
"But..." she began.
"No." A hard edge entered into his voice, and the smile disappeared. "I don't want to talk about..."
"But you _have_ to!" she said. "You can't just... just leave, without saying why! Without... without letting it out! Explaining yourself. Explaining... what's wrong, why today happened, why, why you're still girl, when you've got a thermos full of hot water sitting right next to you!"
"BUT I CAN'T!" he exclaimed in a strangled voice. "I can't... I just... just _can't_ talk about it! It's... too deep, to close to, to _here_." he said, thumping himself on the chest. He took a deep breath. "No. I'll deal with it in my own way."
"I hate to tell you this Ranma, but judging by the damage you caused today, _your_ way doesn't seem to be working!" said Akane.
Ranma's face flushed, though if with anger, embarrassment, or shame, Akane couldn't tell. "I... I'm sorry about that. But you don't understand, Akane. Words... just don't come easy to me. I've never really had anyone to talk to before. About stuff. You know?"
"But that's not true! Their's plenty of people you can talk to!"
"Like who? Pop? Ha! Daisuke? Hiroshi? Nahhh... none of the guys at school really understand my life. The Art. Or the training. They just think I'm some kinda casanova. Or pervert. Or they want, well, _this_!" he said, pointing at his girl's body.
Akane nodded slightly in understanding. It was true. Before Ranma had shown up... well, she'd had friends, sure, like Yuka and Sayuri, but they'd never really understood her. Or her interest in martial arts. Neither did her sisters. But Ranma... Ranma understood.
"What about friends?" she asked
"Oh, yeah, like who, Akane?"
"Well..." said Akane, thinking. "How about Ryoga?"
"WHAT?"
"Well, he's a martial artist too, and he's spent a lot of his childhood travelling... I know you two fight a lot, but you also help each other out, too. He probably understands you better then anyone!" Ranma was giving her a strange look. He seemed... surprised, upset, and thoughtful, all at once. "Maybe... maybe you should try talking to him more, instead of picking on him."
Ranma seemed to mull it over for several moments before answering. "I dunno. Maybe you're right. Maybe he _is_ a friend. But believe me, Akane. I can't turn to him with my problems. He... he's kinda a part of them. That pi... uh, him and I have some unresolved business."
Akane thought a little more. "How about..." she hesitated. Did she really want to mention her? But, then again, why not? It wasn't like she was jealous or anything! "... Ukyou?"
Ranma gave a little laugh. "Ahhh, no, I don't think so."
Akane felt a small thrill run up her spine. "Really? Why?"
Ranma leaned back a slightly, shifting into a more comfortable position. He propped himself up with his free hand. "Well, Ukyou's my friend, right? I mean, I've known her the longest, longer then even Ryoga. But, well... she always acts kinda weird when I'm around, you know?"
I can't believe it!, thought Akane. Is he _really_ that blind? Ukyou loves him! And he thought she was just acting _weird_? He only thinks of her as a friend? He doesn't... love her?
"Yo, Akane! You alright?"
Akane snapped back to Ranma. "Huh?"
"Well, you were smiling kinda strange there. You ok?"
"Yes. Of course I am!"
"Oh."
Ranma looked towards the river again, watching distant lights dance on the water's surface. He absently gave his pig-tail a slight tug. He still seemed... tense. Like he didn't really want to be here. Like he didn't really want to be talking. Like he... like he had somewhere to go. Instead of staying... with her.
"What about... me?" whispered Akane.
Ranma shot a startled glance at her. His mouth opened. "I..." It snapped shut. He tried again. "I... "
Akane gave a wry smile. "It's ok, Ranma. I understand." she said, thinking, no, I don't. Not at all.
"Good. Then... then you understand why I asked you to stay, as well."
Was this is? After all their talk, did it end like this? "To... to say goodbye?"
"Yes. No. Well, sorta. I wanted to say goodbye, to you, at least." He enfolded her hand in both of his and gave them a little squeeze. His eyes were open wide, his breathing quick, face flushed. He leaned forward, leaned towards her, lifting slightly from his kneeling position. Is... is he going to kiss me?, thought Akane, a sudden feeling of eager anticipation and panic seizing her. She closed her eyes as his face descended towards hers. His breath felt hot on her face, she could feel his presence close, so very close, to her. And then...
... then his voice was next to her ear. "Goodbye, Akane." he whispered. "I'm... I'm sorry." Sorry? For what? For not kissing her? Not explaining himself? Not trusting her? Or for losing his patience today, for actually showing how he felt to everybody? She opened her eyes, but he had already pulled back and turned away. He grabbed his backpack and shrugged it over his shoulders.
Ranma stood up and started to walk away.
Akane stood up behind him.
"Ranma!" she cried out.
No answer. He continued to walk.
"Don't go!"
The darkness started to swallow him up.
"You BASTARD!" she screamed.
He stopped in mid-step, spun to face her. His pack fell to the ground with a thud. His face was hidden in shadows, but his voice was clear - and surprised. "What?"
"You thoughtless BAKA!" she screamed. Tears blurred her vision. "Do you think you're the only one with a problem? The only one who's had it tough all these months?"
She couldn't see him clearly. Blurry eyes and darkness obscured him. "Akane?" he called out weakly.
"I... I sat here with you. Sat here for... for hours. Listening to you whine. Complain. 'Bout how, how... HARD and UNFAIR your life's been!" She wiped the back of her arms across her face. It felt hot. "How you hate being a girl, how you don't have any friends. How you miss... miss your MOTHER! Ha!" Ranma was closer now, she could see him better.
"What about me, huh? You think it's been easy on me, too? So you've had a tough life! So have I! So does everyone! _Deal_ with it! Grow up!"
"Ak... Akane? I... " he said.
"NO!" she yelled. "Don't interrupt! Don't... don't you dare interrupt. Or leave. Not till I'm done. I listened to you; I kept my anger to myself every time you said something stupid, or selfish, or arrogant, or, or... STUPID! And it happened a lot, believe me. So... so now, you... _you_ listen to _me_!"
Ranma opened his mouth, then slammed it shut. He nodded once.
She took a deep breath to steady herself. "I... " she hesitated. She didn't know what to say. Where to start. There was so much, so many problems, so much that happened since his arrival. His arrival. _He_ had brought the chaos into her life. An engagement. The fights, the duels, the kidnappings. Rivals - Ukyou, Shampoo, Kodachi, others. His arrival, he, himself, was the cause of it all. If he left, would he take it all with him?
Probably. Without Ranma, Shampoo had no reason to stay in Nerima. Nor did Ukyou. Even Ryoga would probably leave, follow, to finish his vendetta. The engagement - obviously _that_ would end as well. That was a _good_ thing, wasn't it? "I... " she stammered. Ranma was still watching her, waiting for her to speak. But what could she say?
She realised that she _didn't_ want her life to go back to the way it had been before. Before... Ranma. She was too used to the way things were now, to her new circle of... friends. She was used to... Ranma. He was a foundation, a constant in her life. A constant irritation, perhaps, but also a friend, a companion, a girlfriend - a fiance.
And now he was sentencing himself to his curse. To a life alone, wandering, far away. And somehow she knew, she just _knew_, that if he left, as things now stood, he might never return. What was there to bring him back? As a girl, permanently, the engagement wouldn't - couldn't - stand. He owed little to the Tendos, and nothing to Shampoo or Ryoga. Only to Akane and Ukyou, and Ukyou was only a friend. Without a promise, without his word, Ranma might never come back.
His curse. Would a cure really change anything? Would things get better? Or worse? She could understand that it tortured him, now, but before, though he complained a lot, it seemed like he was used to it. Looking at him now, female, wearing his voluminous red shirt stuffed messily into a Furinkan skirt, he didn't _look_ awkward, or angry, or tormented by his femaleness. Only worried about Akane. But then, he hid his true feeling so well. It was so easy to forget that he had never accepted his curse, had never forgotten that day - that minute - that moment - when everything had changed.
He _needed_ a cure. He _needed_ to go. But he just _couldn't_. Everybody needed him to stay... _she_ needed him to stay. She wanted him to stay. Only... how to tell him? How... how to let it all out? He wasn't the only one who had trouble with words.
"Akane..." started Ranma.
"NO!" she interrupted. "I told you to LISTEN!" The floodgate burst; now the words tumbled out. "You... you selfish... how can you go, how can you leave? We, I, all of us, we _need_ you, you brought us together. Love. Hate. Whatever it was - it was _you_ that made everything happen. If you leave... if you leave, it's all over. It'll end. Everyone will go - why stay?
Did you think of that? Did you _think_? Of... everyone, anyone else? But yourself? No. Of course not. You had your own problems. Of course. Well fine, sure, your life's tough, you're cursed, everyone wants to kill you or marry you or both. And... and you had a bad day. Between your mom, and your curse, and Ryoga and Mousse and Kuno and Shampoo and... and... me, and all the other stuff... yeah, I admit: it's a lot. A lot for one person to handle. In one day. Alone. But Ranma - YOU'RE NOT ALONE!
The very _reason_ you're leaving - your parents, your fiancees, you enemies - don't you see? That's the very reason you should _stay_! I... we... I can help. Work this stuff out, help find an answer... You... you think you're going to find an answer out, out _there_? No! The problem's not _out_ there! It's here... _here_. And so are the answers! But only if you stay... stay, and maybe, just maybe, for once, ask for help!
But, no, the mighty Ranma's too proud, too strong, to show _any_ weakness, to share, to talk. To _ask_ for help! To admit he _needs_ help! No. Instead, he keeps it inside; he keeps it inside till it gets so bad he explodes. Then... then he runs. He runs away.
"So... so. There. Now go. Fine. Go to China. Leave me. Alone. Run... run away." Akane stopped. She felt drained. Exhausted. She sank to the ground. Her head hung low, tears flowing freely. She heard a shuffling before her. Ranma. He crouched down before her.
"Am I... am I running away?" he asked softly, questioningly.
Akane rubbed her eyes, looked up. "I... I don't know." she said. "Only you do."
"What... what if I was doing this... for us?"
"Are you?"
"I... don't know. I really don't."
"Then neither do I. All I know is... is that you're leaving me... me alone." She sighed.
Ranma clutched his fist in frustration. "But things can't go back to the way they were. Not after today. Everything's changed."
"Has it? Does it _really_ need to be different? Were you _really_ that unhappy? Aren't they _already_ different?"
"I... I don't know."
"And you never will. Not if... if you leave. Or run. Whatever you call it."
Akane stood up. Ranma stood up. He gripped the thermos tightly in his right hand. He thrust it into her hand.
She refused to take it. "No. It's your decision. It's... it's got to be your decision." She turned her back to him; the full moon shone overhead, then blurred. She closed her eyes.
Deprived of sight, everything else seemed to come into sharp focus. The gentle caress of the night breeze. The faintly cloying scent of the cherry blossoms on the wind. The bitter, pasty taste in her mouth. The sound...
The sound of Ranma. Fumbling with the thermos. Water sloshing. Faint hiss of escaping steam. The lid tumbling to the ground. A hesitation - a moment that lasted far longer. Then... the sound of water pouring, splashing, striking the ground. She felt Ranma gently wrap something around her neck. "Please keep this for me. I'd... I'd hate to lose it." she whispered, and silently pulled back. Akane slowly turned a moment later.
The thermos lay on the ground, empty, amidst a warm puddle of water. And Ranma... Ranma was gone. Akane let out a deep breath, suddenly feeling tired. It was over. Ranma was gone.
She fingered the tattered yellow scarf around her neck, suddenly feeling better. Ranma was gone...
... but he'd be back.
-Michael Noakes
-December, 1996