Hey Collins, It's Mark… Can you believe I finally got around to getting an email account? I am sure Roger told you that I am now living in Providence. Things are going great here, I have a great job and I am doing a lot of great filming.
I reread what I wrote, how many times can I use the word great? Collins will see right through it. I try again.
Collins, hey how are things going in New York? Are you taking care of everything and everyone? I know that is usually my job, but I just needed to retire. I don't know exactly why or how, but that day in the hospital was my breaking point. I don't think I can take anymore. I really hope you aren't upset with me for leaving, I know in your heart you understand. Please try and make Roger understand. I love all of you so much, it is just…
I hit the delete key, way too much information there. I just need to say what I have to say. A third try:
Collins- I'm sitting in the Providence library using their computers. I finally got around to getting an email account, so if you need to get in touch with me, this is probably the best way. I think I moving out of the place I am staying, the guy is my boss and it is a little strange. I will be there for a couple more weeks, so could you please send me some of my stuff? I need some more clothes, and under my bed there is a stack of old film. If you could ship them to me I would really appreciate. Say hi to everyone for me, ok? Love, Mark.
Before I can delete it, I hit the SEND button and as soon as I do, I regret it. Well, what is done is done. I gather my stuff, what little I have and wander around the library, grazing the long aisles, staring at the old titles. My head is pounding and has been for days and I can't figure out why. The guy I am staying with asked me to leave. I don't have enough money for rent and he wants to find a real roommate. So in a couple of weeks I will be homeless, unless I find some other person to shack up with.
Of course, I know I have a home. But it is one that I can't return to. I cannot face Roger after what I did, after leaving him like that. He will never forgive me, and I will never forgive myself. Embarrassment is what is keeping me here. I hate myself for acting the way I did. Running away, that is Roger's way of dealing with things, not mine. I go over to the magazines and start thumbing through last month's issue of Rolling Stone. I have no place to be, and no one is expecting me. It is an odd feeling, a feeling of solitude that I had never really understood before. Even when everyone was coupled with someone, except for me, and I felt so alone, I really wasn't. They all wanted me around, they all cared about what I was doing. There was no way I could ever spend a day in the library without someone asking me where I had been. But here, there is no one to ask.
I wander around a bit more and find myself back at the computers. There is no way he could have written back so fast, but I find myself going to check anyway. I log in and wait. I'm surprised when the computer tells me I have one new message.
Mark- Great to hear from you, though the method is a little surprising, glad to know you finally joined the times. But enough of the small talk, Mark, I will get right to it. I will not send you your stuff. You need to come back here and talk to us, explain why you left. We all miss you and care. Roger isn't doing so well with the whole thing, he won't admit that he misses you. I think you both owe each other explanations. I told him that you will come home on your own, but it has been almost two weeks now. I never expected you to be gone this long. So, I will make a deal with you, I have some extra money, I will send you some for a train ticket. You can come back, talk to us, and explain to us what is going on in that head of yours. If you still want to leave, I will buy you a ticket back. Is it a deal? Yours-Tom Collins.
I read the message over and over until I have it memorized. I don't know how to react, and I don't know how to reply. My gut is telling me to get on a train today and go home, explain everything, and beg for them all to forgive me. My head is telling me to stay, that I don't need the melodrama in my life anymore. I don't need to watch my friends die, whether by disease or by their own choice. I can't deal with losing someone else.
And that is when it hits me, the real reason why I left. Roger wanted to die, he didn't want to fight anymore. So why the hell was I fighting for him? If he wanted to give up, I had to as well. But Roger isn't the only one who I care about, and he isn't the only one I'm fighting for. Mimi, Collins, they both need me, and so does Maureen and Joanne. Even Benny has called me a few times to go for coffee and talk about things. My friends are my family, and I can't leave them no matter how many miles I put between us.
Collins- I'll be on the next train home. Meet me at the loft, I'll see you tonight.
SEND
---- Still not finished… please review some more… thanks!