I step out onto the street, and take a deep breath. New York City, I didn't realize how much I missed it until I came back. The noise, the smell, the buildings, the grayness, it is all so familiar and welcoming to me. I walk over to a bus stop and wait, looking up at the tall buildings as if I was a tourist seeing them for the first time.
On the bus, I sit by the window and watch the storefronts and people and cars go by. I know this route by heart, but yet the familiarity of it feels strange. I was only gone for two weeks, how come I feel so different? One thing is this nagging ache in my stomach, fear, I suppose. I am terrified to face my friends, particularly Roger. I can only anticipate his reception of me, and I know it is not going to be welcoming.
The bus drops me off a few blocks away from our loft and I walk slowly toward the building. Upon entering, I debate on whether I should knock or just walk in, so I do a combination of the two. "Hello?"
"Mark!" Mimi comes running over to me and wraps her thin arms around me. I pick her up and start spinning her around. "How are you? Are you home for good?"
"Uh, let's see, I'm good, and I don't know. You look fantastic." And I meant it, because like New York, I didn't know how much I missed my friends until I came back. The aches in my stomach, the headache I have had for two weeks, magically disappear. "Where is everyone?" I peak over her shoulder only to see a bedroom door close. "Oh."
"Oh Mark, don't mind him, he's thrilled you are back, it just wouldn't be him to let you off the hook." She grabs my hand and pulls me into the room, "We missed you,. even him, especially him." She nods toward the bedroom. I smile at her, thrilled to be with someone who knows and cares about me. I think to the emptiness and loneliness I felt in Providence, I never want to feel that again.
"So, how is he doing?" I face grows serious, as does Mimi's.
"He's been better, he still won't really talk to anyone about why he tried to… well you know." I nod, waiting for her to go on. "He has just seemed so angry and closed off. He won't let anyone in, you know? He has hardly smiled and… oh Mark, I don't want you feeling guilty." I guess she noticed the look on my face, I just nod to tell her to continue. "You two need to talk, I think that is what he needs."
"I tried to talk to him at the hospital, but he wouldn't. He told me to drop it, that he was done talking about it with me." Quick memories of the hospital room flashes into my head, but I close my eyes and physically shake them away. "Mimi, for whatever reason, I just didn't feel strong enough to fight him anymore. I did not want to go through what we did after April died, and I couldn't believe he wanted to give up like she did."
"Well no one asked you too." Roger's voice interrupts the short silence left after my last statement. I look over to him and stand, smoothing out my clothes and trying to fix my hair. These unconscience movements preoccupy me for a few seconds while I try to figure out what to say.
"Hey Roger." Brilliant.
He just turns around and starts heading back to the bedroom but Mimi goes to him and stops him. "Roger baby, listen to what he has to say." She pulls him over to the couch and sits him down. "I'm going for a walk, I'll be back in thirty minutes to make sure everyone is alright." She kisses Roger's cheek and then mine, "Be good to each other, remember you are best friends." Roger scoffs at her back as she leaves the loft.
We remain silent, each of us for our own reasons. Roger, because he is stubborn and me because I'm scared. Roger gets involved in folding and unfolding a piece of paper and I sit playing with the zipper on my overnight bag. Minutes go by and I grow frightened that Mimi was going to come back and we weren't going to have said anything.
I take a deep breath, "Are you feeling better?" He shrugs. "Ok… Is there something you want to say to me?"
"Not really…"
"Oh, ok then. Well, I'll start I guess. I don't know how much you heard me telling Mimi, but I…"
"…I heard enough." He still won't look at me.
"Well do you understand? Do you understand why I left?"
"Yeah, because you are a shithead that can't deal with real life, so you run off when things get a little tough."
"No Roger, that would be you." He now looks at me as bounds off the sofa and charges towards me. His face is inches from mine.
"Fuck you, filmboy. Who is the one that took off when his supposed best friend was in the hospital…"
"…Because he put himself there!" I yell right back at him, trying to hold my composure, but losing the battle.
"Well do you know why? Do you know why I put myself there?" He backs up a few inches and takes a deep breath. "Forget it." He turns his back to me.
"No, I won't forget it, tell me." I go up to him and place my hand on his shoulder. He pulls away from me.
"No, you lost all privileges when you left. I needed you and you weren't there. Good old dependable Mark Cohen, always there when you need him!"
"Roger, let me explain." He holds up his hand to me.
"Don't bother, I know. You couldn't handle it, you were angry, you wanted to give me a taste of my own medicine…"
"…Huh? Taste of your own medicine? What the hell do you mean by that?"
His voice is a little calmer now, "Oh you know, the way I took off to Santa Fe after Angel's funeral, leaving you alone to deal with things by yourself."
"That wasn't what I was doing at all. I just needed time and distance. I felt so deep and involved in your life, that I couldn't have been any help to you. I was hurt that you wanted to die, which I guess was selfish of me."
"Well, me trying to commit suicide was pretty selfish." He voice is soft. I just nod to him.
"When you wouldn't offer me an explanation… I needed an explanation, because I couldn't find any myself. You seemed to be doing ok, and it just came out of nowhere. I didn't know how to process it at all.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, or Mimi, or Collins. I just… I couldn't stand the thought of watching them get sick, or having you watch me get sick. I just… I don't know, I had been thinking a lot about April and Angel, about what is what like to lose them. I mean, yeah, it was hard for me when April died, but watching Collins suffer along with Angel, I didn't want that for Mimi… or you."
"But Roger, don't you see a difference? You didn't leave the house for six months after April killed herself, Collins was able to say good-bye to Angel and move on with life. Yes, he hurts, yes his heart broke, but he was able to say good-bye. You tried to take that ability away from us."
"I had it justified in my head, it made a lot of sense." I just nod to him. "I'm sorry I drove you away."
"I'm sorry I let you."
"I just never pictured my life like this, you know?"
"I know, trust me I know." I smile at him and he smiles back and silence takes over the room again, but this one is more of the comfortable kind.
------- Please review, I like to know what you like and didn't… if I should continue or if this is a good end…. Thanks!