We Keep Moving On
By Kay
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, so don't sue me.
Author's Notes: A sad lil' Taito I wrote for my bestest friend in the universe. ^^ She seemed to enjoy it by crying heedlessly. (Soooorry, Tammytenshi!) It's for her cause... not only is she the best writer I know, but I love her to bits. Thanks, girl. :) And when you come here, we can check out to see if there are any ducks in the state. (Though I SERIOUSLY doubt it... heh heh...)
Daisuke: ::nods:: You da girl... girl!
-_- .... Daisuke, you scare me sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't stop watching the ocean, Yamato.
You used to remind me of the ocean, which is why I bet I think about it so much. You weren't someone to forget easily- you still aren't. I can't remember the a day that I couldn't stop picturing your face in some expression, seeing you in every word and wall around.
I think it's also half because of those hot days in July, under the cool branches of those lithe trees in the city park. We would sit on tha far bench of the part that winds right by the lake, where the ducks swim. Those days, lazily tossing our lunch at the calm birds, you'd talk to me about the ocean.
We didn't live near it, but you told me how your mother and father had dragged you and Takeru down to the coast for a day. It was back when they were together, and they'd rented a small cabin with two bunkbeds and red and yellow checkered curtains in the kitchen. They used to let you out there every weekend, so the both of you could get some fresh air down there or something. You were always vague on the visiting part- but that was okay. I wanted to hear you talk about the water.
'The beach was always deserted, because the town was a few miles away,' you'd say softly, crystal blue eyes fading distantly with the look of remembering things difficult to recall. You'd watch the ducks and smile absently.
'It had the coolest waves, and the bluest water I'd ever seen- like sapphires under a brilliant sun.'
I used to laugh at that, teasing you for being a poetic nutcase. When we got into high school, you'd started to read the stuff with eagerness that surprised and startled everyone. I never saw a guy who could quote Lord Bryon or Edger Poe off the top of their head- not like you could. You remembered that kind of thing, because you were just like that. I couldn't quote anything but the school caffeteria menu.
You laughed when I said that.
'Tell me more about this ocean of yours, buddy.' I always asked for more. The more you talked, your smooth voice filling me like the water collecting in the cracks of our damp sidewalks, the more lower the sun would become. Soon the clear blue sky had gone orange and purple, so you'd go home, and I wouldn't see you for another day.
We all grew apart, y'know. The others had different lives- to much to gather and do. So in the end, when it came down to the point of no return, we all shifted and adjusted to the tense connections until the floated away from our fingertips. Sucks to change- and you knew it even more than I did. When Koushiro left to the next town, you never even asked for an address. And when he told you goodbye, he never gave one. I guess both of you understood seperation more than me.
You seemed to always get a lot more than me. But you never explained it- you couldn't even explain yourself.
'Did you like the ocean?'
'Yeah. It was peaceful...
'It could be calm and safe one second, though, before storming over and turning dark black and green the next moment.'
You'd pause, flashes of regret falling over you're utterly perfect features. Those two, sharp eyed- as turbulent as the ocean themselves- would grow darker.
'Mom thought it was ugly like that, so she never let us play outside on those days. She said it wasn't safe.'
'Wasn't she right?' I'd reply in confusion, expression shooting up in surprise. You'd just smile, that silly, knowing smile of yours.
'Yeah. But it was still beautiful.'
'Yeah.'
I could see it in your eyes sometimes- two clear windows to the most complex, gorgeous soul I'd ever seen. And I'd tell you to talk *more*, taking in your words and the way your slender fingers chipped away at the fading red paint of 'our' bench with your nails. I couldn't been content to watch you forever on that bench.
Our friendship at school became... non-existant, then. I regretted it, but I couldn't help how the glances we caught in the hallways were to fleeting to remember. I had soccer practice, and you were continually busy with that weird band of yours. But I could always count on those days in the park- no matter the weather or occassion, it was like a sacred tradition I refused to budge. I never worried a bit, either, because I knew deep inside I'd always see you walking down the path quickly, boots stomping on the fallen leaves from autumn.
'You're late, Yama!' I'd tease. Remember it?
'I know- sorry, Taichi.'
'S'okay. Wanna seat?'
'I'd like that.' You'd smile a ghost, a flicker of a grin that was hidden, and would sit down beside me as we watched the ducks. I always thought of ways to make that little flicker brighter, stronger... until I made you laugh again.
I guess sometimes I took those visits for granted, huh? It never mattered that you had to be home, or at a practice that was ultra important because you had some big gig. I was always firm and demanding cheerfully when I told you that you had to *come*, even if it was only five minutes- and in result, I always made you late.
You always chose to stay, though.
It wasn't that I was expected you to come all the time, forever, though. But I wanted that- needed it like some dark, sary ache I didn't dare touch inside my heart. A need to hold on. I was clinging, with tenachious abandon, to those moments. To a past and a future, hell- to my best friend. I wanted you close to me here for as long as possible before you vanished into your own life again, like the others. I couldn't stand the thought of being lonely without you- stuck on a cold bench in the winter, alone with the ice.
Damn it, Yamato- I didn't want to lose the one thing that kept me holding onto reality.
I could brave an ice storm- if you would always come down that park path. Quickly stepping on fallen leaves with your boots.
'So, tell me more about the ocean, man?'
'It had sand...'
'Uh-huh.'
'White sand. Really pale, like moonstone or paper all cut up into tiny pieces. It was really fine, too- soft enough to leave your shoes behind when you went outside.'
I had sand, too. But it kept slipping through my fingers, and not even your voice could fill up the spaces that time was leaking through. Idly, I told you that one day. You laughed at me again, tossing your golden hair back from your face, and told me that maybe I should have been the poetic one. I laughed with you.
We were growing apart, Yama.
We were good friends. Our friendship was strong. Our bonds unbeatable until they grew to heavy to carry with us. I hated it. I didn't want to give us up.
I didn't want to ever stop listening to you on those warm evenings. Just us.
'The ocean was endless... it kept glittering until it hit the horizen, and that's when it hit the sky. And it was always clear as ice or glass, even though it shimmered and moved.'
You'd glance at your watch impatiently and somehow reluctant. 'I have to go, Taichi...'
'C'mon, it's early- tell me more, Yama!'
I'll admit, sometimes I clung a little to fiercly to those talks- and you'd storm away coldly, reminding me in my mind of the ocean you loved as a kid. But, just like the waters, you were naturally calm in the morning, barely a ripple of anger touching your face. And you could be a deep mysterious pool again- although I won't say that I didn't like getting you riled up. Sometimes the storm is so much better than the surface.
But you always calmed down and came back.
You'd sit down again in the morning after, and I'd let you talk. I was content and happy to have you there, even a little.
And... I didn't mean to, you know. But I'm glad I did. Sitting by the ducks, talking about our memories and good times- listening to an imaginary ocean...
I fell. Into an endlessly deep ocean in itself.
I fell in love with you.
No- wait, that's not right, damn it. I think I already loved you, and it was something you knew. Like a strong current under the surface waters, it washed us away without our knowing. It caught me in a rip tide, holding me to your promises with a strength I had no will or desire to fight. God, I fell.
Heh, I held your hand once, and you wouldn't believe how hard my heart pounded. You even let me hold it the rest of the evening, watching me blush with amusement. Those were the changing days, Yama, when your ocean stories increasingly became more detailed, pulling me in fiercly. The days were to long, damn it, and our visists seemed... to short- much to short. I wanted these more than ever. I wanted you- you more than anything.
We made more time for visits, and the ducks became well fed.
'Tell me about the salt water again- I forgot.' (Yes, yes it was an excuse!)
'Again? Man... okay.' You'd make a funny face that made me giggle. 'It tastes funny. Really sharp on your cheeks, and it's bitter salt. But as long as you don't swallow some water, the taste isn't overpowering. Sometimes it actually tastes good.'
'It must be pretty there...'
You'd soften, and nod. 'The most beautiful place in the world...'
Struck with a sudden idea, I paused, and grinned joyfully at him. On sudden whim, things happen. Like this.
'Let's go to that beach someday, 'kay? Just you and me.'
You were almost surprised, and I loved the way your blue eyes widened. And you laughed.
'I'd like that... Okay, okay, we will!'
You had the brightest eyes.
We planned. Suddenly, in a violent rising from that agreement, we were plunged frantically into each other's lives again. The park visits were added to days of meeting up in school and staying over at each other's houses. Eating dinner with Yamato and his dad became frequent. Nice guy, that one...
So we planned.
'Where is this ocean, Yamato?'
'Here- see the blue dot?' A single crease on our map.
'Uh-huh...'
'That's Mitayuki. Two or three miles from our beach- paradise.'
It was an obsessive dream routine. My room, normally messier than a hurricane destroyed town, became scattered with maps and plans. We scrawled all over maps and drew overroad routes. We even took a big jar with a plastic green lid and started to accumulate money for our trip. Suddenly, in a new and strange way, we were focused intensely on the mere thought of getting to that one place and forgetting the rest of the world.
We discussed it in hushed conversations over the phone, remember? Sometimes in the middle of the night- heh, our parents would get sooo mad at us...
Always eagerly planning- it was always like that. The world so much more exciting now that we had some purpose, a distant goal we could reach for together. Some of the life slowly brimmed back into Yamato's beautiful eyes, until they were overfilled with expectation. I liked that look on you- I *loved* it. I told you I wanted to give him a surprise when we got there- something special.
Those deep cerculan eyes brightened more than ever. 'What is it, Tai-kun?'
I grinned, promise dancing in my eyes.
'Your first kiss.'
Planning, needless to say, sped up.
It was another promise, another hopeful image that drove us to go so far for such a little thing. The idea of the ocean tempted me, but not half as much as being able to explore a new world of my life with the guy who'd stolen my heart from day one. It would be our first kiss- a new start to the time that would follow. I- WE- wanted it with a passion that surprised us.
I thought of it every night. I thought of you every night- to the point where I hurt with the desire to hold you tightly, no matter how idiotic the fear was that I'd lose you.
And... god, I never would have thought I would.
I always expected you to come down that path, Yamato. I thought I'd see you come down it forever.
They said... they said it was something like cancer, but it had a technical name I couldn't make my numb mouth repeat. And I was to splintered with pain to focus on anything but the wall with my dazed eyes, anyway, so it couldn't have helped me much.
Your father was there, too, I think. Sitting across from me, head bowed in his hands, totally silent. I could feel his hurt, so incredible and overwhelming without my own to mingle with it, as it washed over me. My body seemed almost frozen with it, with the knowledge the doctors had carried. My mind was to far gone from the reality of the cold waiting room to care, though- my body didn't try to move over the suddenly endless hall to comfort the man. Your father...
Takeru didn't stay long. He'd been with Yama in the very end, and after that, he just... went home. He'd turned to me, innocent face tired and slashed with anguished tears- a memory that would haunt me forever.
He just said softly, 'He's gone. Tha tperson in there isn't oniichan anymore.'
I just nodded, not really understanding or listening, you see. I just heard my shattered heart desperatly trying to beat in my chest, like a wounded bird. That hurt, I didn't like it, so I slid to the cool tile floor and felt the nurse put a hand on my shoulder.
'You're wrong,' I told her, soft and contrite. 'Yama-kun and I were going to the beach this month. I was gonna give him his first kiss, I promised him...'
She cried, but I don't know why. At my words, Yamato's father raised his head slightly, dark eyes dead with grief. I smiled at him.
'Yama-kun and I are in love.'
I don't know why he started to cry...
And when my mother made him go home, he stopped and pressed a hand to my shoulder, looking quite lost. I smiled distantly and told him to take care. He cried more and nodded, looking paler than I'd ever seen him, even when he worked late.
Looking back... I must've been crazy for a while...
I wandered around aimlessly, smiling for no reason except I was silly and in love with... with Yamato. Who wasn't gone.
I saved our jar of money, kept all our maps stacked in small piles in my room. Mom tried to take them away, she pleaded with me, but I locked the door and threatened to stay there unless she left them alone. She cried some, too, but at that time I wasn't understanding much of what was happening. Like some distorted dream, I lived on. I collected every bit of yen as possible, until the jar held enough to be hard to pick up, since it was so full.
That day, I bought two tickets to Mitayuki.
That same night, I left for the park you and I always went to in the evenings to watch our ducks- they must've missed us. We kept up their lunch, after all.
That was where you first told me about the ocean- the milestone in the events that followed. And now the time had come to leave... I was going to go with you, just us, and give you what you, god, so needed and deserved...
I sat down on our faded red bench, noting the peacefully, graceful falling of the leaves to the ground. The lake was smooth, like glass plates on the dinner table, the ducks just moving on with their simple lives. Against my cheek, the wind was cool, brushing my hair as I glanced away from the ducks down to the two tickets in my hand.
'Two tickets to paradise,' you had said.
And sitting there alone, in my mind's eye, I saw you coming quickly down that path in my memory- stomping the fallen leaves with your boots.
My own ocean, my Yamato, sat down next to me in silence. We sat there together in the dark for a long time, the silence growing. No words were spoken between my love and I.
Finally, I whispered, "I got the tickets, Yama."
I didn't have to look at your face to see you smiling.
"Good job, baby. You did good."
"Thanks. Ready to go?"
You paused. "No... no, Taichi, but we'll still go, okay? Just... not now."
"Do you have band practice?"
"Yup. The guys are waiting."
"Oh..." I paused, gazing up at the wide, wide sky with wide, wide eyes. "Tell me more about the ocean before you go?"
"Not today, Taichi. Sorry."
"When?"
Instead of answering, you're shifting beside me, and a light whisper threads my ear and warms me inside. I can feel you... I can feel you...
"I love you, baby."
You'd never called me that- but I liked it. I smiled at it. "Love you too, Yama-kun."
You laughed lowly. "You know...
"You know I'm dead, right?"
I stared. And I laughed. I laughed and laughed, hard, until air hurt my lungs like pebbles and my tears stung my eyes, and my ribs were burning in pain. And you rubbed my back like I was sick, and I know I'm crying, too.
Then I'm suddenly calm, and it seems like it's been forever, even though my sense tells me it's only been a few minutes. You stood up as I wiped my face, and tossed your head again, fading sunlight catching it into golden waves. Although there was no sun.
Your smile was as beautiful as you- with your ocean eyes, the clearest, deepest blue ever. Like a memory or song, they floated back to me.
"Bye, Taichi."
"See ya, Yamato."
You paused mischieviously in your passing. "Hey... want to know a secret about me?"
"What?" I lifted my head curiously, my gaze meeting yours. You breath slowly, smiling,and brush my lips slightly. My sweet Yamato filling me, always and again...
"I've never seen the ocean, baby."
Then, you were gone, and I was alone in the night on a deserted park bench with two faded tickets clutched in my hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dad and Mom found me there in the morning, sobbing in heartbreak. They took me- no, dragged me- home to bed. I thought a lot there, about Yamato, about the ocean and the ducks... and discovered somethings among the emptiness.
My baby was dead and he wasn't coming back.
I barely remember the funeral. Yamato's father came up to me many times, finding some consolence that someone had a slight degree of pain equal to his. We'd both lost and now we felt so alone. I think I promised to visit him often, but I'd have to ask Mom about that again to make sure.
I think Hikari was with me the entire time, squeezing my hand and reassuring me even though she struggled to fight back the tears from her clear eyes. It hurt me to look at her- she shouldn't feel this kind of pain. But then again, I suppose no one could escape it. Not even the people who didn't know Yamato- it was a rainy day- they felt his passing. That the world has lost a bit of secluded sunlight.
I still had those tickets. I didn't know what to do with them. I no longer felt the need to see the ocean- the only ocean I wanted had sunk, and now they were no longer tickets to heaven. They were pieces of useless paper, a bad reminder of a time my head wasn't quite on right. But I couldn't just get rid of the work, they couldn't be sacrificed for no reason- we had worked, my love and I, so hard together... something good had to come of it.
I just didn't know what.
You want to know what surprised me most about the funeral? Besides the fact my baby was being lowered into the ground forever?
Takeru wasn't alone.
My eyes studied them in some tired amused, curiousness. The slight redhead that was latched onto my love's younger brother had the strangest look in his eyes for once- those brown irises were filled with compassion and caring with a tenderness that shocked me. And as Takeru cried, his hands never left his arm, always comforting, always worried.
Daisuke. You surprise me so much sometimes.
I rubbed the tickets in my suit pocket absently again, feeling the paper friction against my forefinger and other. I kept watching them, the entire funeral, I couldn't see them lower him into the ground. But I could watch the two friends, the blonde that looked entirely to much like my love, and the redheaded boy with goggles who also reminded me of the face I saw in my own reflection.
Right in the middle of service, I almost laughed. It was there and no one had seen it.
I knew what to do with my tickets now.
Afterwards, after the dirt had been lowered and the cruel sacrifice made, I walked up to Takeru silently. I felt like a ghost in the cemetary air, moving so quiet in the darkest black I had.
"Takeru?"
He looked back at me, tears still treading down his face, and he looked so heartbroken I could've cried. But I didn't. I smiled sadly and noted that I didn't need to embrace him- the unusually quiet redhead that was still hanging onto him was taking care of that for me.
"I have something for you," I told them instead. I smiled, feeling bitter and relieved at the same time, and dug two scraps of paper out of my pocket. At Takeru's blank stare, I deposited them in his hand securely.
"For you and Daisuke, when you see fit."
"What?" A slow look of shock spread through his face. "You're... tickets?"
"Yeah. Keep 'em. Use them for something good, okay?" I toss a slight smile at Daisuke, who stares back with wide, scared eyes. I guess he heard about my little breakup with reality for a while.
I tell him, "Take care of Takeru, okay?"
After a second of looking at me, he nods, and I know he will. I think maybe forever. I can see that devotion in his eyes, the kind that had me for so long. I don't know if Takeru will have him, but I think maybe Daisuke is someone he needs. If not always, then at least for now.
"Taichi..." he says weakly, blue eyes sad and surprised at the same time. "I don't know what to say..."
"Then don't," I tell him. And I walk away.
I think he'll worry about me, but he doesn't have to. It's hard to explain, but...
See, I don't plan on wasting away for nothing. God, don't you think my Yama would have wanted better? There are things out there- things I don't want to see now, but maybe sometime soon so that I can help ease the pain. Friends to meet up with again.
I loved him so much. God, that won't stop my life, though. Because if you think about it- and I just have in a milisecond, the most important realization of my life- I'll love him forever and I'll never, ever stop. And life is really just a long path, leading to some destination. My destination has been, and always will be- Yamato. My ocean.
I waited every day on that bench for him to come down that path, stomping the leaves with his boots. I waited for hours sometimes, even though I knew he wouldn't come for a long time. It was always worth the wait.
And Yama is waiting on some bench for me somewhere, now.
I'm going to keep walking on, if it takes me years to finally reach that point. Because if I stop, I might never find him and he'll be lost there forever. Or maybe I'll just be lost forever. Either way, we aren't complete without each other- but as long as I'm coming to him, that's all the difference, and I can live.
In a way... our legacy of love is being moved on. Daisuke and Takeru- god, I can already see it. But this time maybe it won't end like this, and their paths will be easy as hell. At least I can help tread away the rocks while I'm at it. In doing so, maybe I'll get even closer to my love. Even closer to the times when it was just us, and our dreams. I can make it- god, I'm willing, and I'm going.
Until I walk through that path straight to your arms. Stomping the leaves under *my* boots, this time.
And... Takeru told me later-
How you loved the ocean as a child. And I laughed for the first time- really laughed- since you'd died. Because you'd seen the ocean. And I was on my way.
We keep moving on, don't we, Yamato?
We keep moving on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ayi... THE END. :( I feel so sad. Okay, I'd like to make it clear, YES, I know they've seen the ocean. I kinda skipped most of the Digiworld junk. ^_^;; Sorrrryyy!!! Heh, and this sucks... but I did it to make my friend happy. That and I wanted to write about ducks. I keep messing with my character's love lives by killing them off...
Daisuke: ::sweatdrops:: That's a way to go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By Kay
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, so don't sue me.
Author's Notes: A sad lil' Taito I wrote for my bestest friend in the universe. ^^ She seemed to enjoy it by crying heedlessly. (Soooorry, Tammytenshi!) It's for her cause... not only is she the best writer I know, but I love her to bits. Thanks, girl. :) And when you come here, we can check out to see if there are any ducks in the state. (Though I SERIOUSLY doubt it... heh heh...)
Daisuke: ::nods:: You da girl... girl!
-_- .... Daisuke, you scare me sometimes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't stop watching the ocean, Yamato.
You used to remind me of the ocean, which is why I bet I think about it so much. You weren't someone to forget easily- you still aren't. I can't remember the a day that I couldn't stop picturing your face in some expression, seeing you in every word and wall around.
I think it's also half because of those hot days in July, under the cool branches of those lithe trees in the city park. We would sit on tha far bench of the part that winds right by the lake, where the ducks swim. Those days, lazily tossing our lunch at the calm birds, you'd talk to me about the ocean.
We didn't live near it, but you told me how your mother and father had dragged you and Takeru down to the coast for a day. It was back when they were together, and they'd rented a small cabin with two bunkbeds and red and yellow checkered curtains in the kitchen. They used to let you out there every weekend, so the both of you could get some fresh air down there or something. You were always vague on the visiting part- but that was okay. I wanted to hear you talk about the water.
'The beach was always deserted, because the town was a few miles away,' you'd say softly, crystal blue eyes fading distantly with the look of remembering things difficult to recall. You'd watch the ducks and smile absently.
'It had the coolest waves, and the bluest water I'd ever seen- like sapphires under a brilliant sun.'
I used to laugh at that, teasing you for being a poetic nutcase. When we got into high school, you'd started to read the stuff with eagerness that surprised and startled everyone. I never saw a guy who could quote Lord Bryon or Edger Poe off the top of their head- not like you could. You remembered that kind of thing, because you were just like that. I couldn't quote anything but the school caffeteria menu.
You laughed when I said that.
'Tell me more about this ocean of yours, buddy.' I always asked for more. The more you talked, your smooth voice filling me like the water collecting in the cracks of our damp sidewalks, the more lower the sun would become. Soon the clear blue sky had gone orange and purple, so you'd go home, and I wouldn't see you for another day.
We all grew apart, y'know. The others had different lives- to much to gather and do. So in the end, when it came down to the point of no return, we all shifted and adjusted to the tense connections until the floated away from our fingertips. Sucks to change- and you knew it even more than I did. When Koushiro left to the next town, you never even asked for an address. And when he told you goodbye, he never gave one. I guess both of you understood seperation more than me.
You seemed to always get a lot more than me. But you never explained it- you couldn't even explain yourself.
'Did you like the ocean?'
'Yeah. It was peaceful...
'It could be calm and safe one second, though, before storming over and turning dark black and green the next moment.'
You'd pause, flashes of regret falling over you're utterly perfect features. Those two, sharp eyed- as turbulent as the ocean themselves- would grow darker.
'Mom thought it was ugly like that, so she never let us play outside on those days. She said it wasn't safe.'
'Wasn't she right?' I'd reply in confusion, expression shooting up in surprise. You'd just smile, that silly, knowing smile of yours.
'Yeah. But it was still beautiful.'
'Yeah.'
I could see it in your eyes sometimes- two clear windows to the most complex, gorgeous soul I'd ever seen. And I'd tell you to talk *more*, taking in your words and the way your slender fingers chipped away at the fading red paint of 'our' bench with your nails. I couldn't been content to watch you forever on that bench.
Our friendship at school became... non-existant, then. I regretted it, but I couldn't help how the glances we caught in the hallways were to fleeting to remember. I had soccer practice, and you were continually busy with that weird band of yours. But I could always count on those days in the park- no matter the weather or occassion, it was like a sacred tradition I refused to budge. I never worried a bit, either, because I knew deep inside I'd always see you walking down the path quickly, boots stomping on the fallen leaves from autumn.
'You're late, Yama!' I'd tease. Remember it?
'I know- sorry, Taichi.'
'S'okay. Wanna seat?'
'I'd like that.' You'd smile a ghost, a flicker of a grin that was hidden, and would sit down beside me as we watched the ducks. I always thought of ways to make that little flicker brighter, stronger... until I made you laugh again.
I guess sometimes I took those visits for granted, huh? It never mattered that you had to be home, or at a practice that was ultra important because you had some big gig. I was always firm and demanding cheerfully when I told you that you had to *come*, even if it was only five minutes- and in result, I always made you late.
You always chose to stay, though.
It wasn't that I was expected you to come all the time, forever, though. But I wanted that- needed it like some dark, sary ache I didn't dare touch inside my heart. A need to hold on. I was clinging, with tenachious abandon, to those moments. To a past and a future, hell- to my best friend. I wanted you close to me here for as long as possible before you vanished into your own life again, like the others. I couldn't stand the thought of being lonely without you- stuck on a cold bench in the winter, alone with the ice.
Damn it, Yamato- I didn't want to lose the one thing that kept me holding onto reality.
I could brave an ice storm- if you would always come down that park path. Quickly stepping on fallen leaves with your boots.
'So, tell me more about the ocean, man?'
'It had sand...'
'Uh-huh.'
'White sand. Really pale, like moonstone or paper all cut up into tiny pieces. It was really fine, too- soft enough to leave your shoes behind when you went outside.'
I had sand, too. But it kept slipping through my fingers, and not even your voice could fill up the spaces that time was leaking through. Idly, I told you that one day. You laughed at me again, tossing your golden hair back from your face, and told me that maybe I should have been the poetic one. I laughed with you.
We were growing apart, Yama.
We were good friends. Our friendship was strong. Our bonds unbeatable until they grew to heavy to carry with us. I hated it. I didn't want to give us up.
I didn't want to ever stop listening to you on those warm evenings. Just us.
'The ocean was endless... it kept glittering until it hit the horizen, and that's when it hit the sky. And it was always clear as ice or glass, even though it shimmered and moved.'
You'd glance at your watch impatiently and somehow reluctant. 'I have to go, Taichi...'
'C'mon, it's early- tell me more, Yama!'
I'll admit, sometimes I clung a little to fiercly to those talks- and you'd storm away coldly, reminding me in my mind of the ocean you loved as a kid. But, just like the waters, you were naturally calm in the morning, barely a ripple of anger touching your face. And you could be a deep mysterious pool again- although I won't say that I didn't like getting you riled up. Sometimes the storm is so much better than the surface.
But you always calmed down and came back.
You'd sit down again in the morning after, and I'd let you talk. I was content and happy to have you there, even a little.
And... I didn't mean to, you know. But I'm glad I did. Sitting by the ducks, talking about our memories and good times- listening to an imaginary ocean...
I fell. Into an endlessly deep ocean in itself.
I fell in love with you.
No- wait, that's not right, damn it. I think I already loved you, and it was something you knew. Like a strong current under the surface waters, it washed us away without our knowing. It caught me in a rip tide, holding me to your promises with a strength I had no will or desire to fight. God, I fell.
Heh, I held your hand once, and you wouldn't believe how hard my heart pounded. You even let me hold it the rest of the evening, watching me blush with amusement. Those were the changing days, Yama, when your ocean stories increasingly became more detailed, pulling me in fiercly. The days were to long, damn it, and our visists seemed... to short- much to short. I wanted these more than ever. I wanted you- you more than anything.
We made more time for visits, and the ducks became well fed.
'Tell me about the salt water again- I forgot.' (Yes, yes it was an excuse!)
'Again? Man... okay.' You'd make a funny face that made me giggle. 'It tastes funny. Really sharp on your cheeks, and it's bitter salt. But as long as you don't swallow some water, the taste isn't overpowering. Sometimes it actually tastes good.'
'It must be pretty there...'
You'd soften, and nod. 'The most beautiful place in the world...'
Struck with a sudden idea, I paused, and grinned joyfully at him. On sudden whim, things happen. Like this.
'Let's go to that beach someday, 'kay? Just you and me.'
You were almost surprised, and I loved the way your blue eyes widened. And you laughed.
'I'd like that... Okay, okay, we will!'
You had the brightest eyes.
We planned. Suddenly, in a violent rising from that agreement, we were plunged frantically into each other's lives again. The park visits were added to days of meeting up in school and staying over at each other's houses. Eating dinner with Yamato and his dad became frequent. Nice guy, that one...
So we planned.
'Where is this ocean, Yamato?'
'Here- see the blue dot?' A single crease on our map.
'Uh-huh...'
'That's Mitayuki. Two or three miles from our beach- paradise.'
It was an obsessive dream routine. My room, normally messier than a hurricane destroyed town, became scattered with maps and plans. We scrawled all over maps and drew overroad routes. We even took a big jar with a plastic green lid and started to accumulate money for our trip. Suddenly, in a new and strange way, we were focused intensely on the mere thought of getting to that one place and forgetting the rest of the world.
We discussed it in hushed conversations over the phone, remember? Sometimes in the middle of the night- heh, our parents would get sooo mad at us...
Always eagerly planning- it was always like that. The world so much more exciting now that we had some purpose, a distant goal we could reach for together. Some of the life slowly brimmed back into Yamato's beautiful eyes, until they were overfilled with expectation. I liked that look on you- I *loved* it. I told you I wanted to give him a surprise when we got there- something special.
Those deep cerculan eyes brightened more than ever. 'What is it, Tai-kun?'
I grinned, promise dancing in my eyes.
'Your first kiss.'
Planning, needless to say, sped up.
It was another promise, another hopeful image that drove us to go so far for such a little thing. The idea of the ocean tempted me, but not half as much as being able to explore a new world of my life with the guy who'd stolen my heart from day one. It would be our first kiss- a new start to the time that would follow. I- WE- wanted it with a passion that surprised us.
I thought of it every night. I thought of you every night- to the point where I hurt with the desire to hold you tightly, no matter how idiotic the fear was that I'd lose you.
And... god, I never would have thought I would.
I always expected you to come down that path, Yamato. I thought I'd see you come down it forever.
They said... they said it was something like cancer, but it had a technical name I couldn't make my numb mouth repeat. And I was to splintered with pain to focus on anything but the wall with my dazed eyes, anyway, so it couldn't have helped me much.
Your father was there, too, I think. Sitting across from me, head bowed in his hands, totally silent. I could feel his hurt, so incredible and overwhelming without my own to mingle with it, as it washed over me. My body seemed almost frozen with it, with the knowledge the doctors had carried. My mind was to far gone from the reality of the cold waiting room to care, though- my body didn't try to move over the suddenly endless hall to comfort the man. Your father...
Takeru didn't stay long. He'd been with Yama in the very end, and after that, he just... went home. He'd turned to me, innocent face tired and slashed with anguished tears- a memory that would haunt me forever.
He just said softly, 'He's gone. Tha tperson in there isn't oniichan anymore.'
I just nodded, not really understanding or listening, you see. I just heard my shattered heart desperatly trying to beat in my chest, like a wounded bird. That hurt, I didn't like it, so I slid to the cool tile floor and felt the nurse put a hand on my shoulder.
'You're wrong,' I told her, soft and contrite. 'Yama-kun and I were going to the beach this month. I was gonna give him his first kiss, I promised him...'
She cried, but I don't know why. At my words, Yamato's father raised his head slightly, dark eyes dead with grief. I smiled at him.
'Yama-kun and I are in love.'
I don't know why he started to cry...
And when my mother made him go home, he stopped and pressed a hand to my shoulder, looking quite lost. I smiled distantly and told him to take care. He cried more and nodded, looking paler than I'd ever seen him, even when he worked late.
Looking back... I must've been crazy for a while...
I wandered around aimlessly, smiling for no reason except I was silly and in love with... with Yamato. Who wasn't gone.
I saved our jar of money, kept all our maps stacked in small piles in my room. Mom tried to take them away, she pleaded with me, but I locked the door and threatened to stay there unless she left them alone. She cried some, too, but at that time I wasn't understanding much of what was happening. Like some distorted dream, I lived on. I collected every bit of yen as possible, until the jar held enough to be hard to pick up, since it was so full.
That day, I bought two tickets to Mitayuki.
That same night, I left for the park you and I always went to in the evenings to watch our ducks- they must've missed us. We kept up their lunch, after all.
That was where you first told me about the ocean- the milestone in the events that followed. And now the time had come to leave... I was going to go with you, just us, and give you what you, god, so needed and deserved...
I sat down on our faded red bench, noting the peacefully, graceful falling of the leaves to the ground. The lake was smooth, like glass plates on the dinner table, the ducks just moving on with their simple lives. Against my cheek, the wind was cool, brushing my hair as I glanced away from the ducks down to the two tickets in my hand.
'Two tickets to paradise,' you had said.
And sitting there alone, in my mind's eye, I saw you coming quickly down that path in my memory- stomping the fallen leaves with your boots.
My own ocean, my Yamato, sat down next to me in silence. We sat there together in the dark for a long time, the silence growing. No words were spoken between my love and I.
Finally, I whispered, "I got the tickets, Yama."
I didn't have to look at your face to see you smiling.
"Good job, baby. You did good."
"Thanks. Ready to go?"
You paused. "No... no, Taichi, but we'll still go, okay? Just... not now."
"Do you have band practice?"
"Yup. The guys are waiting."
"Oh..." I paused, gazing up at the wide, wide sky with wide, wide eyes. "Tell me more about the ocean before you go?"
"Not today, Taichi. Sorry."
"When?"
Instead of answering, you're shifting beside me, and a light whisper threads my ear and warms me inside. I can feel you... I can feel you...
"I love you, baby."
You'd never called me that- but I liked it. I smiled at it. "Love you too, Yama-kun."
You laughed lowly. "You know...
"You know I'm dead, right?"
I stared. And I laughed. I laughed and laughed, hard, until air hurt my lungs like pebbles and my tears stung my eyes, and my ribs were burning in pain. And you rubbed my back like I was sick, and I know I'm crying, too.
Then I'm suddenly calm, and it seems like it's been forever, even though my sense tells me it's only been a few minutes. You stood up as I wiped my face, and tossed your head again, fading sunlight catching it into golden waves. Although there was no sun.
Your smile was as beautiful as you- with your ocean eyes, the clearest, deepest blue ever. Like a memory or song, they floated back to me.
"Bye, Taichi."
"See ya, Yamato."
You paused mischieviously in your passing. "Hey... want to know a secret about me?"
"What?" I lifted my head curiously, my gaze meeting yours. You breath slowly, smiling,and brush my lips slightly. My sweet Yamato filling me, always and again...
"I've never seen the ocean, baby."
Then, you were gone, and I was alone in the night on a deserted park bench with two faded tickets clutched in my hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dad and Mom found me there in the morning, sobbing in heartbreak. They took me- no, dragged me- home to bed. I thought a lot there, about Yamato, about the ocean and the ducks... and discovered somethings among the emptiness.
My baby was dead and he wasn't coming back.
I barely remember the funeral. Yamato's father came up to me many times, finding some consolence that someone had a slight degree of pain equal to his. We'd both lost and now we felt so alone. I think I promised to visit him often, but I'd have to ask Mom about that again to make sure.
I think Hikari was with me the entire time, squeezing my hand and reassuring me even though she struggled to fight back the tears from her clear eyes. It hurt me to look at her- she shouldn't feel this kind of pain. But then again, I suppose no one could escape it. Not even the people who didn't know Yamato- it was a rainy day- they felt his passing. That the world has lost a bit of secluded sunlight.
I still had those tickets. I didn't know what to do with them. I no longer felt the need to see the ocean- the only ocean I wanted had sunk, and now they were no longer tickets to heaven. They were pieces of useless paper, a bad reminder of a time my head wasn't quite on right. But I couldn't just get rid of the work, they couldn't be sacrificed for no reason- we had worked, my love and I, so hard together... something good had to come of it.
I just didn't know what.
You want to know what surprised me most about the funeral? Besides the fact my baby was being lowered into the ground forever?
Takeru wasn't alone.
My eyes studied them in some tired amused, curiousness. The slight redhead that was latched onto my love's younger brother had the strangest look in his eyes for once- those brown irises were filled with compassion and caring with a tenderness that shocked me. And as Takeru cried, his hands never left his arm, always comforting, always worried.
Daisuke. You surprise me so much sometimes.
I rubbed the tickets in my suit pocket absently again, feeling the paper friction against my forefinger and other. I kept watching them, the entire funeral, I couldn't see them lower him into the ground. But I could watch the two friends, the blonde that looked entirely to much like my love, and the redheaded boy with goggles who also reminded me of the face I saw in my own reflection.
Right in the middle of service, I almost laughed. It was there and no one had seen it.
I knew what to do with my tickets now.
Afterwards, after the dirt had been lowered and the cruel sacrifice made, I walked up to Takeru silently. I felt like a ghost in the cemetary air, moving so quiet in the darkest black I had.
"Takeru?"
He looked back at me, tears still treading down his face, and he looked so heartbroken I could've cried. But I didn't. I smiled sadly and noted that I didn't need to embrace him- the unusually quiet redhead that was still hanging onto him was taking care of that for me.
"I have something for you," I told them instead. I smiled, feeling bitter and relieved at the same time, and dug two scraps of paper out of my pocket. At Takeru's blank stare, I deposited them in his hand securely.
"For you and Daisuke, when you see fit."
"What?" A slow look of shock spread through his face. "You're... tickets?"
"Yeah. Keep 'em. Use them for something good, okay?" I toss a slight smile at Daisuke, who stares back with wide, scared eyes. I guess he heard about my little breakup with reality for a while.
I tell him, "Take care of Takeru, okay?"
After a second of looking at me, he nods, and I know he will. I think maybe forever. I can see that devotion in his eyes, the kind that had me for so long. I don't know if Takeru will have him, but I think maybe Daisuke is someone he needs. If not always, then at least for now.
"Taichi..." he says weakly, blue eyes sad and surprised at the same time. "I don't know what to say..."
"Then don't," I tell him. And I walk away.
I think he'll worry about me, but he doesn't have to. It's hard to explain, but...
See, I don't plan on wasting away for nothing. God, don't you think my Yama would have wanted better? There are things out there- things I don't want to see now, but maybe sometime soon so that I can help ease the pain. Friends to meet up with again.
I loved him so much. God, that won't stop my life, though. Because if you think about it- and I just have in a milisecond, the most important realization of my life- I'll love him forever and I'll never, ever stop. And life is really just a long path, leading to some destination. My destination has been, and always will be- Yamato. My ocean.
I waited every day on that bench for him to come down that path, stomping the leaves with his boots. I waited for hours sometimes, even though I knew he wouldn't come for a long time. It was always worth the wait.
And Yama is waiting on some bench for me somewhere, now.
I'm going to keep walking on, if it takes me years to finally reach that point. Because if I stop, I might never find him and he'll be lost there forever. Or maybe I'll just be lost forever. Either way, we aren't complete without each other- but as long as I'm coming to him, that's all the difference, and I can live.
In a way... our legacy of love is being moved on. Daisuke and Takeru- god, I can already see it. But this time maybe it won't end like this, and their paths will be easy as hell. At least I can help tread away the rocks while I'm at it. In doing so, maybe I'll get even closer to my love. Even closer to the times when it was just us, and our dreams. I can make it- god, I'm willing, and I'm going.
Until I walk through that path straight to your arms. Stomping the leaves under *my* boots, this time.
And... Takeru told me later-
How you loved the ocean as a child. And I laughed for the first time- really laughed- since you'd died. Because you'd seen the ocean. And I was on my way.
We keep moving on, don't we, Yamato?
We keep moving on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ayi... THE END. :( I feel so sad. Okay, I'd like to make it clear, YES, I know they've seen the ocean. I kinda skipped most of the Digiworld junk. ^_^;; Sorrrryyy!!! Heh, and this sucks... but I did it to make my friend happy. That and I wanted to write about ducks. I keep messing with my character's love lives by killing them off...
Daisuke: ::sweatdrops:: That's a way to go!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~