This is not really a fanfic. It's mostly a description of the events that happened since the first episode until the end of Female Trouble, and later. All through Logan's POV. Mostly ANGST.
All the characters of Dark Angel belong to Charles Eglee, James Cameron.
This is my first attempt to do anything remotely close to a fanfic. So please be gentle in the reviews (if there are any), or else I might get depressed and try to kill myself. ;)
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"Flight of Icarus"
Ever since I was shot, Eyes-only began to have a whole new meaning to me.
Before the incident, it just was a way I found to make a difference in people's lives. To make the world a better place. Some might say that "Eyes" was born out of a rich boy's guilt. For having everything too easy, while the world outside became increasingly darker and colder. Maybe they're right. But then again, they don't really know me.
After I landed in the wheelchair, Eyes-Only became everything to me. It was the soul purpose of my existence. The only way I could look at myself in the mirror and not see some pathetic cripple, but instead, see a person who deserved respect. From myself and from others. And from Max.
Ah, Max. How can I write about my life since that day without mentioning her in each and every paragraph. I had never met anyone like her before. Someone so mysterious, complex and wonderful. Ever since we first met that night, I couldn't keep my mind off of her.
. . .
The first few weeks after the incident, was one of the worst periods of my life, so far. The doctors said I was lucky that the damage in my spinal cord would only affect my legs, and that I still would have control of my bladder and other normal body functions. Well, forgive me if I didn't feel so lucky at the time.
But I'm not the kind of person that gives up so easily. I was determined to regain my legs. I hired a physical therapist, who later on turned out to be a good friend and ally. My life now resumed to three things. Continue my work with Eyes-Only, regain my leg movements and think about her. Yes, I still couldn't help thinking of her. Especially after I found out that not only did she save my life in the hospital, but also was able to rescue the kid from Sonrisa's men and somehow arrange his death. I was in total and complete awe. How incredible would it be to have her in my crusade?
Not a day went by when I didn't think of her. I wondered if she ever thought about me. If she felt guilty for not helping me the first time. I daydreamed many times that she would come to my apartment, to see how I was doing. Well, I didn't really expect her to come to me just for my looks, or even for the crusade. My hopes relied mainly on the fact that I was probably the only one she knew that could help her find the others like her. I even dug up some information on one of her possible "siblings", in case she did come by. And for my surprise, she came.
It was in the middle of an Eyes-only broadcast. Somehow (I don't know how she does that), she managed to get inside my apartment and sneak up on me. I was able to play it cool, and tried to recruit her to help Eyes-Only in a mission that I was working at the time. Her tough-ass attitude facade told me that appealing to her sense of justice wouldn't work, so I used my last card, and gave her the information I had on one of her siblings. From then on, we made an arrangement. She would help me on my missions and in exchange I would help her find the others.
. . .
As time went by, we became closer, and although neither one of us would admit, our relationship became more then just work. Much more. I would give excuses for her to come by, only to surprise her with one of my out-of this-world gourmet dinners, which she more than happily accepted. She would also come by a few times, without being invited, and break in to my apartment (bad habits are hard to die), giving some lame excuse for being there. We would talk for hours and hours. I guess I was the first person in a long time that really knew who and what she was. A few times, she would even open her heart to me, and talk about her past at manticore. Not to mention that I was the first person she would go to when her seizures kicked in.
As time passed, another thing happened. My frustration began to surface. I began face a fact that I was not willing to face before. I would never walk again. It's funny how one tiny drop of hope can make everything in your life look brighter. When you loose that hope, and you're forced to face reality, you start seeing things through a whole new perspective.
I tried the best I could to repress my feelings of anger and self pity deep inside, and focused all that I could on Eyes-only. But on occasions (more and more frequent), those feelings would resurface. Like the time I fell out of the wheelchair when Max was entering my apartment, and ended lashing out on her. I couldn't let her see me as I was starting to see myself. A pathetic cripple. I couldn't show her my weaknesses. Not to her. For her, I had to be the almighty Eyes-only. Who helps taking down the bad guys and brings justice to the world.
. . .
They say that sometimes we don't treasure the things we have, until we loose them. That statement became frighteningly real to me, in that one dreaded day. I was about to loose two of the most important things in my life. I would have to do a risky operation that could either kill me, or turn me into a tetraplegic. And to top it all, I was about to help Max run away from Seattle (and my life) forever.
. . .
She kissed me! She asked me to run with off with her, which we both knew wouldn't happen. Then when I least expected she kissed me, passionately.
How can a simple kiss take you to the wonders of heaven and then throw you down into the very depths of hell. That's where I was. Hell. Looking out into the rain, from my penthouse view, trying to keep my mind from the void that was eating my soul, when suddenly I felt an extremely sharp pain, and darkness took over me.
As you all know, she came back for me. She somehow found out I was in trouble, and sacrificed herself to save me. It all ended well though. Thanks to Zack and his sacrifice. No matter how much of a tight-ass he is, and no matter what happens, I'll always respect and be grateful for his action that day. Like me, he loves her in a way he can't admit.
From then on, life continued much the same. Max and I agreed in perfect synchronism not to make a big deal out of the kiss we shared. But things would never really be the same. Since I was already a pro, in the art of suppressing feelings (and so was she), I made an effort to hide my ever increasing feelings for Max behind our work relation. I had to do it. I couldn't let myself ruin our friendship, by pursuing something that I knew was impossible. Don't get me wrong. I knew by then, that I meant a lot to her. But I couldn't see her being anything more than a friend to me. Only in my dreams. She was a super-human. The most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She could have anyone. Why would she want to be with me? Even if I found the courage to give in into my true feelings, and we ended up together, it would only a matter of time before she realized that I was holding her down. Putting her life at risk and my own. I had too much to loose.
And then, a miracle happened...
I have my legs back again. A whole new world presents itself before my eyes. A world full of possibilities. I feel now that anything is possible. I have control of my life again. I have the power and confidence to pursue all of my most intimate dreams, which I've been suppressing ever since I got in the chair. I can have Max. I'm still a bit scared to approach her, and I sense she's even more scared then I. so I decided to take things slowly. Let it happen in its right momentum. Like she said, "There's is always tomorrow...".
Sometimes there isn't.
All those dreams, of living a normal life. All those dreams of walking with Max along a beach shore, dancing with her, holding her firmly in my arms as we kiss. They are nothing more then that now. Dreams. It's only a matter of time before I loose my legs again. I can't help feeling like Icarus, who dared to fly with his wings made of wax, but flew to close to the sun, only to fall from the heavens as his wings melted. I flew to close to the sun. What right had I to think I deserved happiness in my life? It was pure ambition. Just because I try to make the world a better place, doesn't mean I'll be rewarded for that. It doesn't work that way. I know that now.
So here I am now. Back in the deep bottom of the hole I tried so hard to get out of. Only now I'm tired. I have little strength left. It's dark here in the bottom. I can't see anything to get a hold of. The downtrodden? No. Who am I to think that I can make a difference anyway? Max? No. She's out of reach again. Forever.
I can't see a way out of this darkness. So I'll embrace it, and welcome the blissful oblivion that only death can provide.
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