Konnichi wa minna! ^-^ Chibi Iris-chan ( yes, I go into SD mode
whenever I post parodies ) reporting for fanfic duty once again with a
humourous ( stop laughing, I haven't even started the story yet ! )
little short story.
This is the induced result of too many chocolate chip cookies, two
pints of Coke ( Diet, if you must know ) , 3 packs of Tic-tacs,
M&Ms plus a few chunks of frozen pineapple at 1.00 pm at night.
THIS is NOT a serious story though. PARODY ALERT !
Just thought I'd give you guys a warning first. :P
It's kinda ( WHADYA mean " kinda " ? ) whacked out actually .... a lot
of slapstick ... just the teensiest bit raunchy ... After writing some
way too darkish fics, I felt the need to write something light.
Random Voice : Don't you mean brainless ?
Sweatdrop. Minna, IGNORE that voice behind the curtain ... I mean
screen. Ahem. To continue... The inspiration for this idea came when I
thought about how there wasn't enough Mamo-chan to go around.
After all, the more the merrier, ne ? And besides, what could be cuter
than an adorable little Chibi-Mamoru with an oversized head ? This is
a very graphic story. ( meaning the story would be funnier if it was
an anime episode in SD form ) *G* It gets rather messy though, so I
hope you don't get too confused.
All comments and response are deeply appreciated at
kanzaki_yukiko@yahoo.com
O-tanoshimi. Iris ^-^
_______________________________________________________________________
THE BIG QUESTION
Rated PG
_______________________________________________________________________
1999, August 3, 8.00 AM
_______________________________________________________________________
This was It.
The Day.
It was such a big event that it deserved to said in capital
letters. It was the one which he'd planned so meticulously for weeks.
Okay, days. Fine, last afternoon yesterday. Hey, it was his very first
attempt right ? ( And hopefully his last one, if things went as
planned ).
One should give credit to the fact that he'd actually managed
to whip up such a grand plan in just one afternoon. One major section
of his brain, the one that had toned down ( in public at least ) ever
since he'd met his Usako, muttered *Yeah right*
Ignoring Sarcastic's rude comment, Mamoru more-than-happily
allowed Violent, the other section of his mind, ( who had a BALL when
he was under Beryl's control ! ) to beat him into whimpering submission
while good 'ol Common Sense, the normal, most prominent part of him
that was _usually_ in control, watched the one-sided fight in resigned
detachment.
Besides, he was sure that things would turn out just fine. He
was practically _guarenteed_ ( or your money back ) to succeed.
*Go get her Tuxedo-Kamen-sama ! She won't be able to resist
you* Ego abruptly popped out of nowhere and cheered with two furry
neon-pink pom-poms, sending a flood of confidence surging through his
veins. A wolfishly arrogant smirk curled Mamoru's lips suddenly. Heck,
how many guys in the world had their future kid come back to the past
and prove they would be married ? Besides, it wasn't as if she didn't
love him. So there was nothing to be nervous about really.
Nope. Nothing at all.
Now, if only that churning feeling in his stomach would just
subside .... That was when Nervous suddenly showed up in that oh-so-
crowded blank of our beloved Mamo-chan's brain, twiddling his adorable
little thumbs, while watching the other chibi-Mamorus with a worried
expression in his shifting, can't-make-up-my-mind grey-blue eyes.
*But what if she doesn't .... hmmmhhrrumoohh* his annoying,
whiny voice was cut off abruptly by a gag that the other Mamorus
stuffed into his mouth. Violent then promptly thwacked Nervous with his
patented $ 9.99 Tuxedo Kamen cane, leaving the little chibi-Mamoru
senseless on the ground with its eyes spiraling. ( Cue Kenshin mode
swirly eyes @ _ @ ; )
Chiba Mamoru glanced out of the window at the sky.
It was a bright, sunny day, with a cloudless blue sky and birds
singing sweetly. The perfect day to propose to his one and only love in
the world. Drama, that part of him who showed up whenever he became
Tuxedo Mask and said those Hallmarky Haikus, declared ... well,
dramatically in Notice-Me-Damnit capital letters ( where the heck did
those trumpets come from anyway ? ) *TODAY IS THE DAY. THE DAY WHICH
SHALL BE MARKED IN CALENDERS FOR CENTURIES TO COME. THE DAY THAT ALL
CITIZENS OF CRYSTAL TOKYO WILL RECOGNIZE AS THE DAY THAT THEIR OH-SO-
HANDSOME-AND-MAJESTIC-AND-CHARMING-AND-FEARLESS KING ENDYM ....
URMSHURPKKKSH*
Drama's dramatic speech ( the last part of which had been
written by Ego ) was cut-off midway by Violent and Common Sense, who
had had ENOUGH of those cliched Hallmark-card speeches. They jumped
Drama, gagged him firmly, then tied him up and threw him into the
bottomless er.. bottom of Mamoru's mental well. Mamoru, of course,
silently ignored all of this. He'd had 24 years of experience to get
used to all those strange voices in his head after all. ( And you
wonder about schizophrenia ... )
A hand reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out a small
blue velvet jewelry box. It was ( ONLY ) the 104th time he'd checked to
see that it was still there since he'd bought it yesterday afternoon at
Tiffany and Co. ( Courtesy of the Mysterious-Who-Knows-Where-It-Came-
From-But-Who-The-Hell-Cares-Anyway Trust Fund.)
Trembling, his fingers reverently lifted the lid. It had taken
him hours to find it, but when he saw the ring sparkling under the
glass counter, he'd immediately _known_ that it was _the_ ring.
It was beautiful - a heart-shaped white diamond with the
slightest hint of rosy pink, like a delicate maiden's blush, surrounded
by smaller, circular diamonds, set in glimmering gold. Gently he took
out the ring, letting it rest in the curve of his palm, admiring the
way the flawless facets of the gem captured the early morning sun's
rays.
It had eaten ( devoured, actually ) almost all the savings in
his bank, ( Both Thrify and Common Sense had protested violently,
before being slapped into submission by Romance and Violent - a lethal
combination if there ever was one ) but it was worth it if it would win
him the ( small and slim and ah, so wonderfully soft ) hand of Tsukino
Usagi.
Ah, Usako.
The sound of her very name was sacred to him, made his heart
spasm and his pulse race. His moon princess, his bunny, his one and
only love. She was so beautiful, so sweet, so pure and ...
innocent ( though she was probably [ what probably ??!! ] going to
lose that " pure and innocent bit " AFTER their wedding ... That
dust-collecting, long-neglected part of him, smirked and drooled in
jibbering, barely concealed anticipation, causing the other
Chibi-Mamorus to slap the above-mentioned Sex-Drive in disgust )
and kind and ......
A dreamy Love-sick was going slightly overboard here in one
of his regular speeches about his blonde angel, but for once, Common
Sense didn't interrupt. Even the other chibi-Mamorus didn't cut in.
And Violent had a soft look in his normally fierce amber-speckled
cobalt blue eyes. Romance smirked smugly. *About time* And thus the
litany continued ... ( Hey, it doesn't happen that often in the anime
so bear with me, okay ? ) He didn't deserve her, didn't deserve to have
a gorgeous angel in his life, but the wonderful and blessed truth was
that he had her, and that fact was enough to send him into that
familiar giddy bliss. It had been six years since the first time
they'd met. Six long, incredible years that seemed like a blissful,
rose-tinted eternity since he'd fallen helplessly in love with her.
He wanted her to be with him forever, to be officially recog-
nized by all to be a wedded couple, so that everyone looking would know
without a doubt that she was his, and he was hers.
( Sarcastic rolled his eyes * Why don't you just label the two of you
with stickers that say HANDS OFF SOLD AND PAID FOR* )
And he wanted to see her everyday, by his side. He wanted to
wake up in the morning to see her slim body ( At this point Sex-Drive
passed out from the gouts of blood splurting from his nose ) sprawled
across the messy bed-sheets, snoring like thunder, her long blonde hair
spread haphazardly over the white pillows like golden sunlight.
To have her greet him with her patented Usagi Kumo-Bear Hug
that would crush his ribs ( *no wonder we want to go into the medical
business* Sarcastic muttered caustically before getting smacked by
Romance ) when he came home from work.
To eat the messy curry dinner she would prepare, and later
groan at the disaster she'd created in his kitchen in order to make it.
He wanted all of it, and more.
( *ESPECIALLY the more part* Sex-Drive grinned lasciviously before
getting pummeled by Romance for spoiling the mood )
Which was why he had decided to propose to her today.
He suppressed that nervous, hollow feeling in his stomach and
concentrated instead on the way the ring sparkled in the light. There
was no reason why he would fail. No reason at all.
*Except for the fact that Usako might just ...*
* SHADDUPP !!! * All the Chibi-Mamorus piled up and crushed
Self-Doubt, Nervous's twin brother, under a giant, Free-for-All tackle.
Chiba Mamoru groaned.
_______________________________________________________________________
1999, August 3rd, 5.30 PM
_______________________________________________________________________
Chiba Mamoru was usually not prone to hysterics.
( Common Sense and Violent usually got to Self-Doubt and
Nervous in time and tied them up before they could do anything ).
In fact, he was known to his colleagues at work as a cool,
calm, nothing-can-get-to-me person who would remain unruffled even if
told that girls in really, really short and incredibly sexy skirts
( Heh, heh, heh ... Sex-Drive really had a thing for those sailor
fukus. In a nutshell, kinky. *G* ) had just saved the city from
complete and utter destruction by terrifying aliens from outer space.
If they could only see the stoic, marble-cool young man tearing out his
hair right now searching for matching napkins to complement that
special table-cloth and lilac-scented ( Hey, you can't REEK of roses
ALL the time right ? ) candlesticks he'd used for the dinning table,
they would have discovered a small but well-known fact among guys
------ Scary youmas, strange apparitions, monstrous aliens and even
watching the Teletubbies show over and over again on TV was NOTHING
compared to the horrors of preparing for that special evening to
propose to the girl of your dreams.
( Well, maybe not as scary as watching Teletubbies go " Oh-oh "
for the 60th millionth time, but Pretty Darn Scary in its own right. )
Note : Coincidentally, if anyone flames the author of this fic for
bashing the Teletubbies, she would like the reply that you are one
sick, mentally-stunted puppy who should drink more milk to stimulate
growth in the cerebum.
( Unless you're a lawyer for the Teletubbies company or something, in
which case the above was all written by my 16 year old brother.
*cough cough* . )
He looked at the clock again. Preparing for dinner had
proved to be more time-consuming than he'd expected. Of course, that
COULD be because Usagi had completely wiped out all the grocery stocks
in refrigerator the last time she'd visited. He'd had to run to the
grocery store thrice for last-minute items, and at five o'clock he'd
suddenly remembered flowers. After all, what was romance without being
spelled with a capital R for roses?
( *Inexpensive, that's what* Sarcastic retorted. )
That had resulted in a _long_ walk around Tokyo searching for
the perfect bouquet of roses to present to his Usako. Finally he'd
settled for an elegant bouquet of red, white and pink roses which had
cost him almost all the money in his wallet. It'd been worth it though.
Until he remembered the fact that as Tuxedo Kamen, he had the
power to conjure up any number of roses. Oh well. There went seventy-
five bucks down the drain.
( Again cue flashback cameo scene of the Mysterious-Bottomless-Pit
Trust Fund. *sweatdrop* )
By then Common Sense had shut-down due to the overwhelming
presence of Romance and his twin, Love-sick, who always left Common
Sense horribly Confused. Thrify strangled Common Sense later, after
he'd discovered the grievous money-loss. Luckily ( or unluckily,
depending on how you saw it ) Common Sense had been too unconscious
to even feel it.
Still, the roses were absolutely beautiful, ( *almost, Ego
sniffed haughtily, as good as the ones he conjured* ) the fresh, dewy
petals brilliant with color, and arranged tastefully in a bunch, tied
together with shiny white silk ribbon in an elaborate bow.
( Now THAT was something he COULDN'T conjure up. )
By five-thirty he'd made the soya sauce marinade for the
chicken and was setting the table. Then he'd washed all the expensive
salad greens that he'd purchased. This dinner was certainly burning a
hole in his wallet. It would be worth it though, if it would persuade
his princess to marry him.
( Of course, he might have to sell off his motorcycle to pay
off the debts, but that's another story for another day. ^_^ )
He then started the prepartion for the _incredibly_
complicated potatoes Helen. This was supposed to be the most impressive
dish on the table. The picture in the cookbook showed a mouth-watering,
golden-brown casserole that persuaded him to attempt cooking it even
though he'd never tried anyone as complicated as that dish before.
After all, when in doubt, the best way to win Tsukino Usagi's heart was
through her stomach.
( All the little Chibi-Mamorus nodded wisely, shaking their
oversized little potato heads sagely here. *G* )
Anyway, what was so difficult about making a stupid little
potato dish? ( Ego grinned and cracked his joints as he prepared
himself, flooding Mamoru's veins with a rush of $0.10 per gallon
machoistic confidence. )
Mamoru prided himself as a relatively competent cook, having
had to make his own meals all the time he'd lived in his apartment by
himself.
" This is going to be a snap, " Mamoru smiled confidently,
snapping his fingers decisively.
Nervous groaned and tried to say something but was
unfortunately still gagged.
Famous last words.
_______________________________________________________________________
1999, August 3, 6.35 P.M
_______________________________________________________________________
" Whoever Helen was, I hate her ! "
Mamoru cursed loudly ( and quite fluently, I might add ) , not
caring for once if any of his neighbours heard him cussing.
The smart, intelligent ( * handsome, romantic, stud-muffin*
Ego went on for a bit before getting hit again ) final-year Medical
student was usually not prone to frequent swearing, but this time, he
felt that he was being given sufficient provokation to justify all and
any words right then1.
Violent was jumping up and down in frustration and all the
other Chibi-Mamorus were unable to contain the lightning-flashing,
steel-tipped rose-throwing Violent.
Dinner was, in an obvious understatement, turning out to be
a fiasco.
His normally spotless, immaculate kitchen was smoking, the
white-tiled walls stained dirty grey by the choking black smoke fuming
from his oven door.
* Cue Obligatory-Bad-Fic-Flashback *
After he'd finally finished the fiendishly difficult casserole
dish at 6.15, he'd shoved it into his oven and left to soak in a long,
relaxing hot bath and contemplate the wonderful evening ahead........
Unfortunately, he'd been so exhuasted by all the running around
and the hot, messy cooking and unwarranted ( hopefully ) worrying about
the proposal that he'd fallen asleep, floating peacefully in the bathtub.
( All you perverts stop looking so intently ! You are NOT, repeat NOT,
goning to find a picture of this scene, OK ? Unless of course I decide
to do some interesting fanart .... )
His useless internal clock had finally woken him up to the
pungent odour of burnt potatoes, and the sight of his bathroom flooded
with water that was still gushing out of the taps. After he'd closed the
taps, drained out some of the water, and yanked on a towel, he'd rushed
to the kitchen and yanked open the oven door to find the casserole dish
charred beyond recognition.
All the Chibi-Mamorus were currently advancing towards a now
conscious and appropriately terrified Common Sense, whom they had
unanimously decided was the one whose fault the whole fiasco happened.
*WHERE THE *@!$@!@# were you !!!* Violent growled menancingly.
Common Sense gulped. *You KNOW I can't function well with
Love-Sick and Romance around !! *
*Hey, don't put the blame on US !* Love-Sick and Romance
simultaneously yelled.
*Shut-up all of you ! Who's gonna pay for all of this ?!! The
landlord's gonna evict us over this !! And the WATER-BILL !! * Thrify
moaned despairingly, flailing his tiny arms around.
" Aho-tachi. " was Sarcastic's little comment on the scene.
From that point on, a scuffle between all the chibi-Mamorus was
inevitable.
_______________________________________________________________________
" Great, just great, " Mamoru groaned in frustration, kicking
his foot on the oven door, then spending the next five minutes hopping
up and down on one foot while wincing ( very loudly, I might add ) in
pain. ( Sarcastic rolled his icy blue eyes here. ) His frantic blue
eyes swung wildly to the clock.
15 minutes. 15 minutes. The ticks sounded unusually loud in
his confused mind.
He'd told Usagi to arrive at his apartment promptly at seven
o'clock, no excuses. Now what was he supposed to do ? His kitchen was
smoking, his bedroom was flooded, his casserole was burnt to a crisp,
and his chicken was still stone cold because he'd forgotten to put it
in the oven. Not that it would have done any good, since it would have
probably gone up in flames like the casserole.
" What else can POSSIBLY go wrong ? " he moaned loudly,
throwing his arms up in despair.
*DONT'T ASK THAT !!!* All the chibi-Mamorus looked up from
their scuffle to yell in Too-Late Warnings.
As if to answer his question, the sky suddenly gave an ominous
rumble, and lightning flashed in a jagged white streak across the black
clouds before a strong downpour of rain fell.
And Mamoru suddenly recalled that his motorcycle was in the
garage for fixing, his car had just ran out gas that afternoon, and
that Usagi absolutely Refused ( note the capital letters here, guys )
to go out in thunderstorms unless he went personally to fetch her.
" That was a RHETORICAL QUESTION, DAMNIT !!! " Mamoru yelled
at the sky.
Common Sense sighed, slapping his hand-print embedded forehead.
Violent growled sulkily, shredding his Tuxedo Kamen roses.
Sarcastic was making wise-ass cracks, smirking and nodding as
if this was what he had expected all along.
Nervous and Self-Doubt gloomly predicted that the evening was
going to get worse.
Sex-Drive was dreamily fantasizing over what Usagi would be
wearing on their honeymoon ( hopefully nothing ), still slobbering like
a dog.
Drama was acting out his badly scripted ( aren't they always? )
apology speech to Usagi.
Thrify was frantically going over the account-book he kept
around and calculating how many hours Mamoru would have to work over-
time in order to clear the amount of money he'd spent.
Romance and Love-sick just groaned.
_______________________________________________________________________
Hmmm... now you know why our beloved Mamo-chan is wishy-washy
and a little ... schizophrenic huh ? Heck, the poor guy's got 5
identities, it's only NATURAL he develops mutiple split personalites !!
Question of the Week : If the cast of SailorMoon were cakes, what sort
of cakes would they be ? Dear old Mamo-chan here
would be, in my not-so-humble opinion, be a
nutcake. With chocolate icing of course. *G*
_______________________________________________________________________