Disclaimer: Ok, before I'm burned at the stake, just let me say that I'm a fan of Star Wars (but not of George Lucas), so this is all just in fun. And, of course, I don't own any part of Star Wars, or any of the characters, nor Lucasfilms, nor George Lucas (lucky for him), nor Industrial Light and Magic, nor do I own any part of the Volks Wookie Car Company, which is, in my opinion, a very fine and reputable establishment.
Hi. Well, if you're reading this then I guess the planet wasn't destroyed in an orgy of special effects and expensive pyrotechnics after all. Good. I hate it when that happens. Every time that snotty little Luke kid gets involved in something, it blows up. But not this time!
Ok, first things first. My name is Fon Darrow. You got a problem with that???!!! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell, it's just been an intense few days. Bounty hunting isn't what it used to be, ya know. I guess I should get on to my story. It all began on a cold and stormy night. Or was it a bright and sunny day? Anyway, the important thing is, it began. The rebels had just destroyed the Emperors new toy, you know, that Death Star thingy. I'd been outta work for a while, just sorta kickin' around the galaxy in my old beat up VW (That's Volks Wookie. Those giant teddy bears can really build a ship to last!). It was just another 'sit-on-your-ass-and-watch-the-stars' kinda day. Suddenly I got a message on my intergalactic pager from some guy asking about a job. Great, I thought. I can finally afford to feed Mufu! Mufu's my pet Ewok. Poor little guy'd been selling his fur to a cheap rug company just so we could afford his Ewok Chow every week.
Excitedly, I slammed the stellar hammer down, and hauled intergalactic ass to the meeting place. When I got there, I couldn't believe it! Darth Vader was there. THE Darth Vader! This is how it went down:
Fon: I can't believe it!
Darth Vader: (in deep booming voice) Believe it.
Fon: It's you! It's actually you! You're, like, my hero. Wow! Can I get your autograph?
DV: No. Stop talking and listen to what I have to say, or face the consequences.
Fon: Ok, ok, I'm calm, I'm cool. No need to break out the 'invisible death grip'. What do you wish of me my dark lord. *giggle* This is so cool!
DV: *sigh* I need you to do a job, but you have to keep it quiet. I want you to knock off the mastermind behind all this rebellion crap.
Fon: Luke Skywalker?
DV: No.
Fon: Princess Leia?
DV: No.
Fon: Han Solo?! R2-D2?! C3-P0?! Chewy?!
DV: No, you idiot. You know as well as I do who their true leader is! I want you to make them a history lesson. Completely ka-put. Nothing but a bad memory.
Fon: But, who, your black tuperware-ness?
(Fon's throat suddenly constricts, and he begins to gargle, gasping for air)
DV: Look, I don't have time for this! I've got a raid on some frozen planet to lead, and the Emperor wants me to give him another sponge bath *shudder*. Just get it done!
Fon: gggrrrrrrrrllllllll.......
DV: Oh, right. (releases force grip) Sorry about that. I always forget the letting-go part.
Anyway, when I regained consciousness, Vader had left, without telling me who I was supposed to eliminate. Who did he want killed? I had no idea, but I'm used to that. So I immediately set out on my mission, without any idea what I was doing or any plan of any sort. Pretty standard, really. I needed to find out who the true mastermind behind the rebellion was, and I needed to find out fast. I've heard stories about what happens to employees of the Empire that fail. Spending the rest of my life telling the Emperor bed times stories and clipping his toenails doesn't sound very appealing to me.
I decided to check the usual rebellion haunts; seedy bars, lifeless planets, and basically every run-down, out of commission thing in the galaxy. This, of course, led me to the little, uninhabited swamp planet of Dagobah. It was dank, it was smelly, it was useless. It was the perfect place for rebels to hang out!
I searched for hours, looking for some kind of secret entrance, or some patrols, or something. All I really found was a bad case of athletes foot and a cold. I was just about to give up (and blow up as much of that Force forsaken planet as I could when I left) when I tripped over a little green thing dressed in a potato sack. At first I thought it was some sort of mutated frog, but then:
Green thing: Step on me you did! Stupid idiot you are!
Fon: Hey, whoa! Settle down there little fella. Did I hurt you?
GT: Bright one, we got here. *Cackles* Lost on way to bathroom, did you get? *Cackles*
Fon: Is that Basic? What are you saying?
GT: *Looking offended* Speak very well, I do! Won awards for speaking, I have!
Fon: I'm sorry, but you're very hard to understand. You just don't speak Basic very well, I'm sorry.
GT: *getting flustered* Wha... Ghaa... KISS MY WRINKLY GREEN ASS, YOU WILL! Speaking Basic for 600 years, I have! Just gleam in milk man's eye, you were!
Fon: Alright, alright. Look, you win, ok? I just wanted to know if there were any rebels around here. You seen any?
GT: *taking a deep breath* No, no. No one here but me. All alone. Until now! Why you here? What want you?
Fon: Can't tell you gramps, sorry. Top secret.
GT: GRAMPS!!! GRAMPS!!! ASSHOLE, YOU ARE!!! TAKE YOU, I CAN!!!! *starts clawing and biting at Fon's leg*
Fon: Hey, get off of me! Don't make me shoot you, little man. *The little green man pulls out something that looks a lot like a can of pepper spray from his rags*
GT: LITTLE! SHOW YOU LITTLE, I WILL!!! *He flips a switch on the little device*
Fon: What the hell is that? It looks like a glowing toothpick?
GT: Lightsaber, it is! Cut you to ribbons, I will! Hehehe!
Fon: Oooookkk. *begins backing away* I think it's time for your medication, little guy. Where's your nurse?
GT: YOUR HOLE, YOU WILL SHUT!!! BRING IT, YOU WILL!!! TAKE YOU, I CAN!!!
Fon: Look, behind you!
GT: *Turning around* What? See nothing, I do. Hey, where go you?
After making my escape from that little toad thingy, I decided that maybe I was going about this search the wrong way. Besides, I didn't want to spend this whole job trudging around swamps and empty forests. I figured that somebody had to know who the leader of the rebellion was. So I jumped back in my VW, and headed for the universal centre of all information. A seedy bar.
It was called the Black Hole, a dingy little place on some back water planet light-years from everything. There wasn't even a McDonald's there. I started to get nervous. The natives looked questionable to me. But then, how do 8 foot lizard creatures not look questionable? I went into the bar, and immediately saw that it deserved its name. The place sucked! I suddenly heard the most terrible screeching noise coming from the other side of the room. I turned and saw one of the lizard creatures standing on a stage, bleating for all he was worth along with the music. It sounded like an Ewok going through a wood chipper, but the crowd really seemed to like it. I sauntered up to the bar, trying to look as casual and inconspicuous as I could. I figured I should try to speak this ruffian's language so he wouldn't be suspicious.
Bartender: Good evening sir. What will you be having this evening?
Fon: S'UP BITCH! HOW'S THE HOMEY'S HANGING?! GIVE ME A SNOOT FULL OF RED-EYE, AND I'LL HANG UP THE GOULASH!
Bartender: Are you feeling alright, sir?
Fon: DON'T GIVE ME THAT HOOP-LAH, BANGER! WHERE'S THE STOOL WHORE? I NEED SOME SMACK!
Bartender: Ok sir. Please take a seat, I'll be with you in a minute.
Fon: AU SECOURS SENORITA!
As I walked over to an empty table, I saw the bartender pick up the phone, and quickly dial 911. Must be his informants secret number. My plan had worked perfectly. Now all I had to do was sit back and wait. I leaned back in my chair and looked around the bar. My eyes fell on the most voluptuous alluring creature I had ever seen. She was entirely purple, from head to foot, with long blue hair that flowed down her sexy, horned back, and four deep green eyes that seemed to look right into my soul. I was in love. I walked over to her table and sat down next to her.
Fon: What's cooking good looking? (I was in!)
Babe: I'm sorry, do I know you? (Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard. Music to my ears!)
Fon: Sure. We've met before. Once apon a dream.
Babe: Haha, look creep, that may have worked on that sleeping chick, but not me. Buzz off.
Fon: (Something was wrong... time to bring out the big guns) Hey baby, I like the way you move. Like butter on a bald monkey.
Babe: What? Are you insane?
Fon: I have a magic watch and it tells me that your not wearing any underwear.
Babe: But I am wearing underwear.
Fon: Must be an hour fast.
Babe: Oh my God! I am out of hear!
Fon: Wait baby, come back! You smell nice!!!!!!
Babe: Leave me alone! *walks out the door*
I sat back down in my seat, stunned. What went wrong? I had the moves, the lines. What happened?! I guess I was just too much man for her. I guess that's how love goes. NO! It doesn't always have to end like this! I stood up and marched out the door after my lady love. I would not give up on her so easily. I ran out into the street and immediately caught site of her walking down the empty street. "Hey Baby! Come back! I forgive you!" She turned around, saw me, and even though I couldn't read her full green lip very well, I think she said either "Oh shit" or "Thank God, my brawny hero has chosen to follow me everywhere and earn my love, no matter what". I still think it was the last one. I ran down the street after my purple Goddess, and she took off running, no doubt leading me on a cute little chase of some kind.
After running for a few minutes, I turned a corner and saw her jump into a big purple ship with the name "Big Purple Lesbians On Tour" written on the side in big yellow letters. Must be some kind of pet name for the ship. As the engines on her ship propelled her into the heavens, I ran back to my VW and gave chase. I quickly caught up to her, and began sending messages of my love through the comm system, but something must have been blocking them because she didn't respond at first. But after a few minutes she powered down her engines and stopped dead in space. I stopped too, ready to receive her loving reply. Her blaster turrets swivelled around and centred on the bridge of my ship. She was so cute when she pretended to be homicidal!
As her lovingly aimed blaster bolts started ripping my ship apart, I began to wonder if I had misjudged my little darling. What was I saying! Of course I hadn't! This was just her way of showing her love! As my sub-light drive was blasted into smithereens, I knew I'd found true love, the one person I wanted to spend my life wiyh.
Suddenly I realized my ship was moving. All of the loving blasting my dearest had bestowed upon my ship had sent it hurdling towards the local sun. I tried using the comm system to tell my love of her little error, but it had been destroyed minutes ago. I decided the best thing to do would be to evacuate and meet up with my darling dearest later. I climbed into the escape pod and was blasted away from my ruined ship. Talk about tough love.
Now, I'm afraid I have to insert a minor complaint to the Volks Wookie Starship Company here. Although their ships are excellently built machines, their escape pods seem to be... lacking in quality. I realized this as I was sent spiralling into the galaxy without any navigation equipment or engines. I was soon caught in the gravity of a large, lush looking planet, and, before I knew it, I was hurtling towards the surface. I'd also like to complain about the safety features in these escape pods. A brown paper bag that you have to blow up yourself is NOT considered an air bag. I collided with the ground and immediately lost consciousness from a lack of oxygen. Those bags are hard to blow up!
When I woke up, I was in one of the strangest places I'd ever been. It was dark and smoky, with soft pillows all over the floor. The smoke had a sort of relaxing effect, but it made me really hungry. I sat up and looked around, trying to find my bearings. It was then that I heard the heavy breathing coming from the far side of the room. I tried to stand, but couldn't hold myself up. I called out:
Fon: Who's there?
Dark Stranger: *inhales* I am the one you seek.
Fon: What? You mean you are the leader of the rebellion!
DS: *inhales* Yes. *coughs*
Fon: Who are you?
DS: *inhales* The only person sinister enough to create something as transparent and one dimensional as the Rebellion.
Fon: You mean..
DS: *inhales* Yes! I am George Lucas. (Just then the lights came up, and I could see him. George sat on a large golden throne, a pile of bad science fiction on one side, and a small stack of oddly shaped cigarettes on the other.)
Fon: You're the one I have to kill?
DS: *inhales* Kill? Whoa. Way heavy man.
Fon: Uh, yeah. Well, look, I can't kill you. It wouldn't be right.
DS: Groovy. Way cool, man. Give me five (stares at his out stretched hand). Oh my God! My hands are huge! (Sticks his hands in his mouth) Amd dey tathte shoo good!
Fon: Are you feeling alright, your Forceness?
DS: *inhales* Wha. Oh, yeah. Just fantashtik!!!
Fon: Sir, are you stoned?
DS: *giggling* All the time baby, all the time! How else do you think I created Star Wars? You think I'm that creative?
Fon: Well, I assumed...
DS: Ha! *inhales* If I was that creative, I would have written more stories instead of just re-releasing this one!!!
Fon: Oh. Well, that's kinda disappointing.
DS: *inhales* Yeah, I guess it is. Oh well *giggles* at least I'm still rich!!!
Fon: (In a fit of disgust, I pulled out my blaster and killed George Lucas) Another job well done.
I looked around and found a ship hidden away in the rocks near the throne room. I could tell from the smell in the cockpit that it had belonged to Lucas. I powered up the engines and headed home feeling very pleased with myself. I'd earned my pay and rid the universe of another useless, untalented writer. Things were looking up.