Fanatics: Eloise Midgen.
The opening intro:
"Are you Alan Smithee?"
Who wants to know?
"We're the Network. We've got a few...concerns..."
What is it this time? Too banal? Not enough skin? Come on, my former "upperling" told me what you claimed...
"Nope, we have concerns about the ratings. Come on, 37 hits on a Harry Potter fic? That's way too low."
Come on, my style's a few years ahead of its time! I've got more ideas set...
"You had best get some better hit-worthy stuff out there, or else we'll have to force you onto the writing crew for a delightful NC-17 series involving Hagrid, Norbert, and a bottle of chocolate syrup...
NO! I'm trying to do serious works! If I did that, I'd be pigeon-holed into "puke king" again! That would be writing suicide!
Well, then, get cracking, fan-boy. We're waiting...
"How would I go about doing that?"
Do the stuff that makes other shows we have work so well...
"Oh, all right..."
(Alan walks into the studios to a crowd of screaming girls.)
Hey, welcome to Harry Potter Fanatics Request Live! I'm Alan Smithee....
"EEEEEEEEE!"
Yes, welcome to our second show! Now, we're looking for the right person to interview our next guest, ah, let's check our studio audience...
"I'm backkkk...."
YOU? But I killed you in the last episode! How...?
"Oh, did you really think you could kill me with that...poorly-executed Killing Curse? I thought I taught my knight better than that..."
Oh, sure. I try to kill you, I'm your knight. You write another Fanatics in the ol' stomping ground, I'm chased by a psychotic wolf and forced to be Seifer's little sidekick..."
"Funny you should mention Seifer..."
"Hey, Alan! Long time no see!"
NOOO! Well, I think I'm going to check the street for a proper fanatic, let's see the latest video by GENERIC GIRL SINGA!
"Oh, baby...TAKE ME FROM BEHIND..."
Wasn't that great! Well, we're out on the street and I think we've found our fanatic. What's your name?
"Um, my name is Topaz I came all the way from...I don't really know right now! I just needed to get a good spot out here N'SYNC rocks out with their cocks out WHOOOO!"
Great, and we've got a special surprise for you...we're taking you to meet your favorite Harry Potter character!
"Excellent! You're taking me to interview Cho?"
Well, no...(but it would have been much easier for me to work the stuff out if you didn't change your mind...MEANY...)...According to your tape, you wanted to meet Eloise Midgen.
"EXCELLENT! Where's the limo?"
We're not doing well enough for a limo. Here, we'll need to take my car...don't damage the bumper stickers, especially not the "My other car is a Millennium Falcon", which was given to me by a person who looked remarkably like the Comic Book Store guy.
Opening thoughts...
"Wow...I honestly can't believe it...Eloise's ways have taught me so much on how to live my life...like why I shouldn't try to curse my acne off, for example...and, um...this kicks so much ass!"
"Whoa...I actually have fans? This is so cool...How would people think of me as their favorite character? I mean, I only got one real passing mention in the books, ah, well...I guess I can't be a chooser, now can I?"
"Um, who is she?"
"Wow, you're my number one fan and even you can't recognize me? I'm going to have to shiv Rowling for that... But anyways, what's going on?"
"Oh, you're Eloise? I'm sorry, I'm just so...nervous, I can't really think of things right now..."
"Don't worry about that. If I always thought things out, you would have never heard of me, right?"
"I guess....Wow, this is just...cool...I have a few questions to ask you..."
"Go ahead. That's what I'm here for..."
"Well, I should probably get the big question out there to start... why on earth did you curse your nose off ?"
"Why does everyone start off with the nose thing? There's more to me than just that, you know... Anyways, that was just a typical girl problem, really. You see, this seventh year over in Slytherin who I had been crushing on for a couple of years finally asked me out. Not being totally insane, I said yes. So anyways, the day before the big date, I check in the mirror, and I have this huge zit on my nose. I panicked (who wouldn't?), so I decided to try and curse the acne off my nose. Long story short, the acne came off still attached to my nose, and I had much bigger problems. I would've sent it to a magazine as one of those 'bad things that happened to me' anecdotes, but I was so tired of the 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' jokes that I just didn't bother."
"Okay...who are your friends at Hogwarts ?"
Gee....well, I thought I had some friends there. I guess everyone really does think they have friends, even if they are obviously hated by all. However, once the...unpleasantness with my nose happened, my social 'Q' disappeared faster than Jimmy Ray's music career. All my 'friends' started to make fun of me, I was rendered an outcast, and all that stuff. I guess the only person I can truly consider a friend is...me."
"That's horrible....well, who are your enemies ?"
"I'd probably have to start with the people who started in with the jokes. The leader of my old 'clique', Mary Rosen, was just horrid to me ever since it happened. I'd consider her an enemy right now. Her new lapdog, Sue Stern, she'd probably be right up there with her as well. Strange, these people used to be my best friends, until the moment that I made that one boner. Now, they won't even stand to be around me."
"I see... what house are you in?"
"Oh, finally a more 'sane' question. I'm currently a sixth year in Ravenclaw. No one would really know about our stuff, though. Most of the focus goes on 'heroic Gryffindor' and 'dark Slytherin.' Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, we get no play with the average person. I guess that's how it is in the real world- no one cares about the really smart people or the hard working people, they just like faces or heels to cheer or boo accordingly."
"Ah... what are your likes, dislikes, the like?"
"Oh...well, I like basically normal stuff. Hanging out, listening to music, that kind of stuff.... I'm still normal, I just happen to be a witch who just happened to curse their nose off once. Since I was rendered an outcast, I've been really getting into studying; it's actually kind of cool in it's own way. My dislikes? Well, I'd definitely have to go with cursing off my own nose and the ruination that comes from that."
"I see...do you think Snape is hot?"
"Dear god no! Snape's like... a teacher! I don't really notice the teacher's personal appearances, mostly because they tend to be in their mid-hundreds. I will say that Snape's at least got the potential to be nicer looking than some of them- he's younger than most the other teachers by a good 50 years, he's got that look of that one Muggle guy...who was it again? Oh yeah, Iggy Pop...Basically, I wouldn't be shocked if he ever found a woman, but I sincerely hope that I'm not that girl."
"Well, my last question... What do you think about Harry Potter as a person?"
Well, that's pretty random...I mean, why not ask what I thought of Howard Stern or Alan Smithee, I have no ideas... Well, I know he's got to be a pretty good wizard, but other than that, I have no idea what he's really like. I keep getting mixed messages about what he's like from various people. This one girl who tends to always be around when I'm studying in the library tells me that he's one of the nicest guys she's met in Hogwarts, but this one girl in my dorm says that she thinks he's got a bit of a creepy streak and is worried he's eventually going to start stalking her...So to answer your question, I have no idea. He's probably like most people in general...half saint, half bastard."
"Well, thank you for answering my questions..."
"You're welcome."
Closing thoughts:
"That was really cool. I never thought she would be anything more than just a character who cursed her nose off for no good reason. I mean, she was actually...normal...I never would have figured that about her..."
"Geez, that was bad...I never figured that my life sucks so bad...why did it have to rub salt into these old wounds? Why did I have to agree to this? God, I miss being popular so much..."
"Um, you do realize this is going to be on TV, right? MTV, good positioning, all the people you know watching..."
"YES! I'll be popular again! WOO HOO!"
Well, that's another episode of Fanatic...Tune in next time when we interview Albus Dumbledore. As always, I would like to say that Fanatic spots are still wide open for anyone. Just send your choice of character to me, Alan Smithee, at ReLect0@aol.com and I'll handle it from there....
"I FOUND HIM, MY SORCERESS!"
"Excellent, Seifer. Bring him to me..."
No...show's done....nothing more...
"Not yet...You will agree to go back to Final Fantasy 8 or else I will have to..."
Do what? You're just some psycho old-style fanfic writer who thinks she's a sorceress. Where's your power?
"teehee...Show him..."
"Dear god...is that...is that..."
"WASSUP?"
"VOLDEMORT? DAMMIT! Why do I always get the problems with my series?"
"Show him how a REAL man does the Killing Curse, Voldemort..."
"Avara Kedavra..."
To be continued?
The opening intro:
"Are you Alan Smithee?"
Who wants to know?
"We're the Network. We've got a few...concerns..."
What is it this time? Too banal? Not enough skin? Come on, my former "upperling" told me what you claimed...
"Nope, we have concerns about the ratings. Come on, 37 hits on a Harry Potter fic? That's way too low."
Come on, my style's a few years ahead of its time! I've got more ideas set...
"You had best get some better hit-worthy stuff out there, or else we'll have to force you onto the writing crew for a delightful NC-17 series involving Hagrid, Norbert, and a bottle of chocolate syrup...
NO! I'm trying to do serious works! If I did that, I'd be pigeon-holed into "puke king" again! That would be writing suicide!
Well, then, get cracking, fan-boy. We're waiting...
"How would I go about doing that?"
Do the stuff that makes other shows we have work so well...
"Oh, all right..."
(Alan walks into the studios to a crowd of screaming girls.)
Hey, welcome to Harry Potter Fanatics Request Live! I'm Alan Smithee....
"EEEEEEEEE!"
Yes, welcome to our second show! Now, we're looking for the right person to interview our next guest, ah, let's check our studio audience...
"I'm backkkk...."
YOU? But I killed you in the last episode! How...?
"Oh, did you really think you could kill me with that...poorly-executed Killing Curse? I thought I taught my knight better than that..."
Oh, sure. I try to kill you, I'm your knight. You write another Fanatics in the ol' stomping ground, I'm chased by a psychotic wolf and forced to be Seifer's little sidekick..."
"Funny you should mention Seifer..."
"Hey, Alan! Long time no see!"
NOOO! Well, I think I'm going to check the street for a proper fanatic, let's see the latest video by GENERIC GIRL SINGA!
"Oh, baby...TAKE ME FROM BEHIND..."
Wasn't that great! Well, we're out on the street and I think we've found our fanatic. What's your name?
"Um, my name is Topaz I came all the way from...I don't really know right now! I just needed to get a good spot out here N'SYNC rocks out with their cocks out WHOOOO!"
Great, and we've got a special surprise for you...we're taking you to meet your favorite Harry Potter character!
"Excellent! You're taking me to interview Cho?"
Well, no...(but it would have been much easier for me to work the stuff out if you didn't change your mind...MEANY...)...According to your tape, you wanted to meet Eloise Midgen.
"EXCELLENT! Where's the limo?"
We're not doing well enough for a limo. Here, we'll need to take my car...don't damage the bumper stickers, especially not the "My other car is a Millennium Falcon", which was given to me by a person who looked remarkably like the Comic Book Store guy.
Opening thoughts...
"Wow...I honestly can't believe it...Eloise's ways have taught me so much on how to live my life...like why I shouldn't try to curse my acne off, for example...and, um...this kicks so much ass!"
"Whoa...I actually have fans? This is so cool...How would people think of me as their favorite character? I mean, I only got one real passing mention in the books, ah, well...I guess I can't be a chooser, now can I?"
"Um, who is she?"
"Wow, you're my number one fan and even you can't recognize me? I'm going to have to shiv Rowling for that... But anyways, what's going on?"
"Oh, you're Eloise? I'm sorry, I'm just so...nervous, I can't really think of things right now..."
"Don't worry about that. If I always thought things out, you would have never heard of me, right?"
"I guess....Wow, this is just...cool...I have a few questions to ask you..."
"Go ahead. That's what I'm here for..."
"Well, I should probably get the big question out there to start... why on earth did you curse your nose off ?"
"Why does everyone start off with the nose thing? There's more to me than just that, you know... Anyways, that was just a typical girl problem, really. You see, this seventh year over in Slytherin who I had been crushing on for a couple of years finally asked me out. Not being totally insane, I said yes. So anyways, the day before the big date, I check in the mirror, and I have this huge zit on my nose. I panicked (who wouldn't?), so I decided to try and curse the acne off my nose. Long story short, the acne came off still attached to my nose, and I had much bigger problems. I would've sent it to a magazine as one of those 'bad things that happened to me' anecdotes, but I was so tired of the 'cutting off my nose to spite my face' jokes that I just didn't bother."
"Okay...who are your friends at Hogwarts ?"
Gee....well, I thought I had some friends there. I guess everyone really does think they have friends, even if they are obviously hated by all. However, once the...unpleasantness with my nose happened, my social 'Q' disappeared faster than Jimmy Ray's music career. All my 'friends' started to make fun of me, I was rendered an outcast, and all that stuff. I guess the only person I can truly consider a friend is...me."
"That's horrible....well, who are your enemies ?"
"I'd probably have to start with the people who started in with the jokes. The leader of my old 'clique', Mary Rosen, was just horrid to me ever since it happened. I'd consider her an enemy right now. Her new lapdog, Sue Stern, she'd probably be right up there with her as well. Strange, these people used to be my best friends, until the moment that I made that one boner. Now, they won't even stand to be around me."
"I see... what house are you in?"
"Oh, finally a more 'sane' question. I'm currently a sixth year in Ravenclaw. No one would really know about our stuff, though. Most of the focus goes on 'heroic Gryffindor' and 'dark Slytherin.' Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, we get no play with the average person. I guess that's how it is in the real world- no one cares about the really smart people or the hard working people, they just like faces or heels to cheer or boo accordingly."
"Ah... what are your likes, dislikes, the like?"
"Oh...well, I like basically normal stuff. Hanging out, listening to music, that kind of stuff.... I'm still normal, I just happen to be a witch who just happened to curse their nose off once. Since I was rendered an outcast, I've been really getting into studying; it's actually kind of cool in it's own way. My dislikes? Well, I'd definitely have to go with cursing off my own nose and the ruination that comes from that."
"I see...do you think Snape is hot?"
"Dear god no! Snape's like... a teacher! I don't really notice the teacher's personal appearances, mostly because they tend to be in their mid-hundreds. I will say that Snape's at least got the potential to be nicer looking than some of them- he's younger than most the other teachers by a good 50 years, he's got that look of that one Muggle guy...who was it again? Oh yeah, Iggy Pop...Basically, I wouldn't be shocked if he ever found a woman, but I sincerely hope that I'm not that girl."
"Well, my last question... What do you think about Harry Potter as a person?"
Well, that's pretty random...I mean, why not ask what I thought of Howard Stern or Alan Smithee, I have no ideas... Well, I know he's got to be a pretty good wizard, but other than that, I have no idea what he's really like. I keep getting mixed messages about what he's like from various people. This one girl who tends to always be around when I'm studying in the library tells me that he's one of the nicest guys she's met in Hogwarts, but this one girl in my dorm says that she thinks he's got a bit of a creepy streak and is worried he's eventually going to start stalking her...So to answer your question, I have no idea. He's probably like most people in general...half saint, half bastard."
"Well, thank you for answering my questions..."
"You're welcome."
Closing thoughts:
"That was really cool. I never thought she would be anything more than just a character who cursed her nose off for no good reason. I mean, she was actually...normal...I never would have figured that about her..."
"Geez, that was bad...I never figured that my life sucks so bad...why did it have to rub salt into these old wounds? Why did I have to agree to this? God, I miss being popular so much..."
"Um, you do realize this is going to be on TV, right? MTV, good positioning, all the people you know watching..."
"YES! I'll be popular again! WOO HOO!"
Well, that's another episode of Fanatic...Tune in next time when we interview Albus Dumbledore. As always, I would like to say that Fanatic spots are still wide open for anyone. Just send your choice of character to me, Alan Smithee, at ReLect0@aol.com and I'll handle it from there....
"I FOUND HIM, MY SORCERESS!"
"Excellent, Seifer. Bring him to me..."
No...show's done....nothing more...
"Not yet...You will agree to go back to Final Fantasy 8 or else I will have to..."
Do what? You're just some psycho old-style fanfic writer who thinks she's a sorceress. Where's your power?
"teehee...Show him..."
"Dear god...is that...is that..."
"WASSUP?"
"VOLDEMORT? DAMMIT! Why do I always get the problems with my series?"
"Show him how a REAL man does the Killing Curse, Voldemort..."
"Avara Kedavra..."
To be continued?