Part Three: Dumbledore.
"What the...? I'm alive? I DID IT! I BEAT THE KILLING CURSE! Yeah, uh uh, Go Alan, Go Alan, it's your...didn't die day, it's your...didn't die day..." Suddenly, some mysterious people came around to , um, me....
"Oh, come now, you didn't do anything. We restored you to life using technology. Get over yourself." one of the people replied.
"But...why? Why did you let me live?"
"Because...if you keep at it with these ratings, we'll do something worse than death to you..."
"DAMMIT! Not the NETWORK AGAIN? That so totally reeks of heinosity!"
"Come on, Alan, we really like your stuff. It's new, it's edgy, it's...extreme... the only problem is, it's not getting the hits..."
"But...but...I have a very high similarity between people who read the first to reading the second..."
"Oh, come off of it. You've only got 72 hits for the series. We brought you from the bush leagues expecting you'd get at least 700 by now. Come on, where is it?" The network looked mean.
"But...but...I can't make people read these..."
"Sorry. We've made our decision on this...." One of the Network brought out a shrouded figure. "This, if you read the series, is a Dementor. Break 150 for this part of the fic or else we'll have him give you a little kiss..."
"Go ahead. It's the closest anyone will come to kissing me anyways, so you have to figure..." I replied.
"Dude, he's ragging on the Dementor!" one of the Network yelled.
"KISS HIM! NOW!" another shouted.
"EXIT, STAGE RIGHT!" I darted out of the room and headed for the nearest taxi. "Can you take me to the nearest...safe haven, stat?"
"Sure thing, ALAN..." Seifer replied.
"NOOO! ANOTHER TAXI! QUICK!" Another taxi quickly sped over. I got in.
"Um, take me over to Hogwarts, quick. It's the safest place, right?"
"You know it, Mac." The taxi driver started to head towards it.
"Thanks, Mr...Merlin1189 ?"
"You know. Weird last name, eh? It works for driving a cab, so I'm cool with it."
Listen, if it's no trouble..."
"What's the question?"
"Do you see that cab with Seifer and a dementor inside it?" I asked.
"Yep."
"LOSE IT AT ALL COSTS." The driver quickly headed through a very exciting car chase scene that managed to involve violence, humor, a bit with a dog, and brief nudity. Eventually, we lost the cab.
"Well, we're here. Hogwarts. Your money?"
"Well, I don't have any...Here's my card..."
"Cool, you're Alan Smithee? Well, I'll take it as even if you help me out..."
"What?"
"Well, since we're here....I always wanted to meet Albus Dumbledore, could you hook me up?"
"Sure. We have no other plans, it's all good. Let's go!"
"EXCELLENT!"
"Greetings, MTV viewers! I am someone else who looks remarkably like Alan Smithee. The real Alan Smithee is currently on the run from a psychotic sorceress and her cadre of knights which now includes He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and psycho network executives with a dementor, and he is DEFINITELY not at Hogwarts, where this young man, Mr...Merlin1189, will interview Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Let's watch..."
Opening thoughts:
"Awesome...this definitely beats out on a couple Sickles anyday...I mean, Dumbledore? He is like the man in these books...I wonder if I can get in..."
"Ah, Professor Dumbledore?"
"Yes?"
"I'm Alan Smithee for MTV, I'm stuck, Voldemort's on my tail, and I need to compensate my driver for the ride over here..."
"Oh, well, you can stay here. It'll be safe. Just pass him over the money..."
"Wow! Professor Dumbledore...this is an honor..."
"It is for me too, sir...Here's a couple of Sickles..."
"Um, Mr.D...he's going to interview you for my show...that's his compensation."
"Well, that's perfectly fine. What would you like to know, sir?"
"Well...let me think...I wasn't prepared... Exactly how old are you?"
"Ah, my age. I know that women aren't supposed to tell how old they are, but last time I checked, I was a man, so here goes. I'll be 150 years young this January. I don't really consider that old, as my main rule is that you're only as old as you feel. I learned that from my old mentor when I was attempting to get my degree to start teaching here at Hogwarts, Nicolas Flamel...bless his soul..."
"Yes, well...What's your favorite candy?"
"Favorite candy? Young man, how can you really pick just one favorite candy? All of them are just so good, such a magic that only the greatest wizards could hope to equal. Besides, I eat all kinds of candy. I guess that's why I'm so sweet..."
"Ah...Well, um, you know Harry Potter about as well as anyone...what's his secret?" Everyone in the room suddenly reached for paper and a pencil as Dumbledore started to speak.
" Well, let's see... Harry has a secret? All I really figured happened was that his mother loved him deeply enough to save him from Voldemort. Other than that, I wouldn't know if he had a secret. He's a basically good student, prone to making trouble sometimes with his cronies, amazing on the Quidditch field, just normal. Probably the only thing I'm really surprised about is his general demeanor. I've seen kids come into this school whose parents were tortured or (in rare cases) killed by Voldemort or his Death Eaters who were always depressed about this; like they could never be happy in their lives. However, I've never really known Harry to do anything except relax and just generally be pretty gay. I guess that's his secret, if anything, because I've never met anyone even half as gay as he is every day. Go ahead, I know you're writing these things down, just put it in block letters: Harry Potter is always gay. That's his 'big secret.'"
"Well, that's nice...um, why are you insane?"
"Insane? I wouldn't call myself insane...yet. A free spirit? Of course. Flaky? Most definitely. Senile? Perhaps. Mad? Possibly. But insane? Never. I consider people like Voldemort to be truly insane...people who had it all, chose the dark ways, and became instruments of terror, always believing themselves to be right. Compared to that, I'm perfectly normal, eh? Yep, Voldemort's insane...AND HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
"Hey, don't worry, daddy, Ol' Voldemort isn't going to start anything until the end of the interview! You have to show some common courtesy, man!"
"Oh, all right. So, Tom, how's the whole...Lord of Evil Dark Wizardry thing going for you?" Dumbledore asked.
"Pretty well, man. I knew I picked the right major..." Voldemort replied.
"Um, it's my interview..." Merlin1189 replied. "Well, Albus, are you related to anyone we know?"
"Well, I don't really know exactly who you know, so I can't be sure about that. I was always a bachelor, so I never had any children. My brother did happen to have a large number of children and later grandchildren, but I can't really remember all of them...that's what being this old will do to you, I guess..."
"I see... well, Does James Potter still have old artifacts?"
"Well, I'm still not telling on those things. The last things I remembered him leaving in my possession when he left school were his Invisibility Cloak (I passed that on to its current rightful owner) , his old broomstick (Top of the line 20 years ago...I just placed it in with the broomsticks we use to teach first-years how to fly...), and...that's all I could remember off the top of my head. Filch may have confiscated a few of his things, but you'd have to check with him...."
"Well, let's see...What do you see in the Mirror of Erised?"
"I see a day when Muggles aren't afraid of wizards anymore, when we're finally able to live in peace and harmony with all of God's creatures, each of us doing our own thing without other people pestering us or trying to kill us. Oh, and me with a new pair of socks. I just love that feeling that you get when you put on a new pair, what can I say?"
"Damn, skippy, Albus my man. Say, is the interview over?" Voldemort asked.
"Um, I think that's my last question, yes..." Merlin1189 replied.
"Perfect...AVERA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort instantly killed Merlin1189 where he stood.
"Quick, Alan! Get out of here! Head somewhere else in the building! I can handle him!" Dumbledore yelled out.
"What do you think I'm trying to do...This is Alan Smithee for Harry Potter Fanatics...tune in next time when we handle...someone who's around!"
Closing thoughts...
"Damn, this is what I hate. Getting your life to flash before your eyes before you die for all eternity. Can't they at least show you other people's lives instead? You know...you're going to be dead forever...just sit back and just get perspective eternally?"
"He seemed like a nice guy...I just wish Voldemort didn't have to kill him...YOU WHORE!"
"That's just my Volde-style, man!"
"Yes, well...I wonder if Muggles can get Order of Merlin..."
"What the...? I'm alive? I DID IT! I BEAT THE KILLING CURSE! Yeah, uh uh, Go Alan, Go Alan, it's your...didn't die day, it's your...didn't die day..." Suddenly, some mysterious people came around to , um, me....
"Oh, come now, you didn't do anything. We restored you to life using technology. Get over yourself." one of the people replied.
"But...why? Why did you let me live?"
"Because...if you keep at it with these ratings, we'll do something worse than death to you..."
"DAMMIT! Not the NETWORK AGAIN? That so totally reeks of heinosity!"
"Come on, Alan, we really like your stuff. It's new, it's edgy, it's...extreme... the only problem is, it's not getting the hits..."
"But...but...I have a very high similarity between people who read the first to reading the second..."
"Oh, come off of it. You've only got 72 hits for the series. We brought you from the bush leagues expecting you'd get at least 700 by now. Come on, where is it?" The network looked mean.
"But...but...I can't make people read these..."
"Sorry. We've made our decision on this...." One of the Network brought out a shrouded figure. "This, if you read the series, is a Dementor. Break 150 for this part of the fic or else we'll have him give you a little kiss..."
"Go ahead. It's the closest anyone will come to kissing me anyways, so you have to figure..." I replied.
"Dude, he's ragging on the Dementor!" one of the Network yelled.
"KISS HIM! NOW!" another shouted.
"EXIT, STAGE RIGHT!" I darted out of the room and headed for the nearest taxi. "Can you take me to the nearest...safe haven, stat?"
"Sure thing, ALAN..." Seifer replied.
"NOOO! ANOTHER TAXI! QUICK!" Another taxi quickly sped over. I got in.
"Um, take me over to Hogwarts, quick. It's the safest place, right?"
"You know it, Mac." The taxi driver started to head towards it.
"Thanks, Mr...Merlin1189 ?"
"You know. Weird last name, eh? It works for driving a cab, so I'm cool with it."
Listen, if it's no trouble..."
"What's the question?"
"Do you see that cab with Seifer and a dementor inside it?" I asked.
"Yep."
"LOSE IT AT ALL COSTS." The driver quickly headed through a very exciting car chase scene that managed to involve violence, humor, a bit with a dog, and brief nudity. Eventually, we lost the cab.
"Well, we're here. Hogwarts. Your money?"
"Well, I don't have any...Here's my card..."
"Cool, you're Alan Smithee? Well, I'll take it as even if you help me out..."
"What?"
"Well, since we're here....I always wanted to meet Albus Dumbledore, could you hook me up?"
"Sure. We have no other plans, it's all good. Let's go!"
"EXCELLENT!"
"Greetings, MTV viewers! I am someone else who looks remarkably like Alan Smithee. The real Alan Smithee is currently on the run from a psychotic sorceress and her cadre of knights which now includes He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and psycho network executives with a dementor, and he is DEFINITELY not at Hogwarts, where this young man, Mr...Merlin1189, will interview Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Let's watch..."
Opening thoughts:
"Awesome...this definitely beats out on a couple Sickles anyday...I mean, Dumbledore? He is like the man in these books...I wonder if I can get in..."
"Ah, Professor Dumbledore?"
"Yes?"
"I'm Alan Smithee for MTV, I'm stuck, Voldemort's on my tail, and I need to compensate my driver for the ride over here..."
"Oh, well, you can stay here. It'll be safe. Just pass him over the money..."
"Wow! Professor Dumbledore...this is an honor..."
"It is for me too, sir...Here's a couple of Sickles..."
"Um, Mr.D...he's going to interview you for my show...that's his compensation."
"Well, that's perfectly fine. What would you like to know, sir?"
"Well...let me think...I wasn't prepared... Exactly how old are you?"
"Ah, my age. I know that women aren't supposed to tell how old they are, but last time I checked, I was a man, so here goes. I'll be 150 years young this January. I don't really consider that old, as my main rule is that you're only as old as you feel. I learned that from my old mentor when I was attempting to get my degree to start teaching here at Hogwarts, Nicolas Flamel...bless his soul..."
"Yes, well...What's your favorite candy?"
"Favorite candy? Young man, how can you really pick just one favorite candy? All of them are just so good, such a magic that only the greatest wizards could hope to equal. Besides, I eat all kinds of candy. I guess that's why I'm so sweet..."
"Ah...Well, um, you know Harry Potter about as well as anyone...what's his secret?" Everyone in the room suddenly reached for paper and a pencil as Dumbledore started to speak.
" Well, let's see... Harry has a secret? All I really figured happened was that his mother loved him deeply enough to save him from Voldemort. Other than that, I wouldn't know if he had a secret. He's a basically good student, prone to making trouble sometimes with his cronies, amazing on the Quidditch field, just normal. Probably the only thing I'm really surprised about is his general demeanor. I've seen kids come into this school whose parents were tortured or (in rare cases) killed by Voldemort or his Death Eaters who were always depressed about this; like they could never be happy in their lives. However, I've never really known Harry to do anything except relax and just generally be pretty gay. I guess that's his secret, if anything, because I've never met anyone even half as gay as he is every day. Go ahead, I know you're writing these things down, just put it in block letters: Harry Potter is always gay. That's his 'big secret.'"
"Well, that's nice...um, why are you insane?"
"Insane? I wouldn't call myself insane...yet. A free spirit? Of course. Flaky? Most definitely. Senile? Perhaps. Mad? Possibly. But insane? Never. I consider people like Voldemort to be truly insane...people who had it all, chose the dark ways, and became instruments of terror, always believing themselves to be right. Compared to that, I'm perfectly normal, eh? Yep, Voldemort's insane...AND HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
"Hey, don't worry, daddy, Ol' Voldemort isn't going to start anything until the end of the interview! You have to show some common courtesy, man!"
"Oh, all right. So, Tom, how's the whole...Lord of Evil Dark Wizardry thing going for you?" Dumbledore asked.
"Pretty well, man. I knew I picked the right major..." Voldemort replied.
"Um, it's my interview..." Merlin1189 replied. "Well, Albus, are you related to anyone we know?"
"Well, I don't really know exactly who you know, so I can't be sure about that. I was always a bachelor, so I never had any children. My brother did happen to have a large number of children and later grandchildren, but I can't really remember all of them...that's what being this old will do to you, I guess..."
"I see... well, Does James Potter still have old artifacts?"
"Well, I'm still not telling on those things. The last things I remembered him leaving in my possession when he left school were his Invisibility Cloak (I passed that on to its current rightful owner) , his old broomstick (Top of the line 20 years ago...I just placed it in with the broomsticks we use to teach first-years how to fly...), and...that's all I could remember off the top of my head. Filch may have confiscated a few of his things, but you'd have to check with him...."
"Well, let's see...What do you see in the Mirror of Erised?"
"I see a day when Muggles aren't afraid of wizards anymore, when we're finally able to live in peace and harmony with all of God's creatures, each of us doing our own thing without other people pestering us or trying to kill us. Oh, and me with a new pair of socks. I just love that feeling that you get when you put on a new pair, what can I say?"
"Damn, skippy, Albus my man. Say, is the interview over?" Voldemort asked.
"Um, I think that's my last question, yes..." Merlin1189 replied.
"Perfect...AVERA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort instantly killed Merlin1189 where he stood.
"Quick, Alan! Get out of here! Head somewhere else in the building! I can handle him!" Dumbledore yelled out.
"What do you think I'm trying to do...This is Alan Smithee for Harry Potter Fanatics...tune in next time when we handle...someone who's around!"
Closing thoughts...
"Damn, this is what I hate. Getting your life to flash before your eyes before you die for all eternity. Can't they at least show you other people's lives instead? You know...you're going to be dead forever...just sit back and just get perspective eternally?"
"He seemed like a nice guy...I just wish Voldemort didn't have to kill him...YOU WHORE!"
"That's just my Volde-style, man!"
"Yes, well...I wonder if Muggles can get Order of Merlin..."