"Whoa...where are we?" I asked.
"Hmmm...I recognize this...we're back in England! They must have assumed this was where we'd be heading!" Hannah replied.
"THERE YOU ARE! WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!" a man replied.
"Okay...on the count of three...RUN! It's a network guy!" We started to run until the network man spoke.
"No, no, it's not the whole...dementor thing...we wanted to give you an extension on our deal!"
"Extension?" I asked.
"Of course! We're finally getting the review levels we expected when we promoted you from FF8, this is getting a high amount of "Fave Story" counts, this is doing really well for us!" they replied.
"EXCELLENT! Do we get our money-levels back?" Seamus asked.
"Um, no...the wild, 'anything can happen' nature's the selling point..."
"Okay...but we do get stuff, right?" I asked.
"Well, of course...two sackfuls of Galleons per show each, a better timeslot, oh, and...Hannah, is it?"
"Um, yes..."
"We need to help out a little bit...we're getting you a new wardrobe more fitting for an MTV personality..."
"I...see..."
"So, who's this first show going for?" Seamus asked.
"Apparently, they've sent our new...assistants out to get the person. Some 'Katrine Potter-Lupin' chick's going to interview Lupin. Pretty standard, really..." Suddenly, Hannah walked in wearing an outfit that was apparently taken out of the pile of clothing Jennifer Lopez rejected for being "too slutty."
"I think the Fanatic is ready..." Hannah replied.
"OHHH YEAHHH! I'm going to have to...take a sick day, Alan...I think Hannah is going to as well..."
"What are you talking about, Seamus?"
"Um, don't you read these things, Alan? Cedric left a message beyond the grave of his teachings. One of those was, 'The less clothes a girl is wearing, the less you have to spend for them to owe you sex.' And with THAT outfit, bro..."
"Um, dude, he never wrote that..." I replied.
"Well, sure, but it's typical code!"
"I'll keep that in mind. Just keep it in there for the episode. Bring them in." Instantly, Kaientai walked in with Katrine in tow.
"HAAHHAHAHAHAHAH! WE HAVE BROUGHT YOU YOUR SUBJECT FOR THIS FANATICS EPISODE!"
"INDEED..."
"NO! This is bad...My therapist was right, god DOES hate me..." I replied.
"DO NOT WORRY. WE WERE APPROACHED BY MTV! GAVE GOOD DEAL!"
"INDEED..."
"Okay, but if you try and kill me for the Yakuza, I'll be VERY upset...Send the fanatic in..."
"Welcome to Harry Potter Fanatics! I am Alan Smithee, this is my little sidekick Seamus Finnigan..."
"WASSUP?"
"...And our apparently Network-forced eye candy, Hannah Abbott..."
"Hi..."
"Tonight, we're having Katrine Potter-Lupin interview Professor R.J. Lupin!"
Opening thoughts:
"Wow...I can't believe I'm actually going to meet Professor Lupin...this is SO cool...I've got just too many questions to ask him..."
"tee hee hee...I am SO evil this April Fool's Day..."
"Potion boy! I need my Sanity Tonic..."
"Coming right up, Moony... ::just a pinch of this, and this potion is going to make for some great guerrila theater...::"
"Ah, thank you, Snape...don't worry. Sit back, relax. Now, this person is what we call a 'FAN.' These 'FANS' tend to respect the person who they're 'FANS' of. This may be a shock, because no one with half a brain could respect you, but..."
"Lupin?"
"Katrine! What's going on?"
"Absolutely nothing..."
"Well, same here..."
"Okay...well, What were your parents like?"
"Ah...My parents were basically...pretty normal, as a witch and wizard would be. I was always treated nicely, I never had to want anything growing up. It was basically really cool. "
"Were your parents supportive of you when you became (so to speak) a werewolf? Where they afraid of you?"
"Well, I wouldn't say supportive. You can't really be supportive of becoming a werewolf, as that would imply like I had some sort of choice when I was bitten. They were a little afraid of me, but it wasn't much of a problem. My mother top subject at Hogwarts was Astronomy; she was even bandied about as a possible replacement for the retiring old Astronomy teacher about 5 years before I started there. As a result, they just managed to get me "personal camping trips" in a large forest about every full moon before I got to Hogwarts- rather standard ways that people helped werewolves in that time, really."
"I see... How did your friends react?"
"It was nothing in those times, really. I was always an outcast before I was bitten, and never really had any true friends. The only difference between before and after was that the kids at least had a reason to fear and hate me."
"Well...On to another topic, now. Do you think there is ever a possibility that you will teach at Hogwarts again?"
"I sincerely hope so. The only problem is that in order for me to do it, it would require people to just not care that I'm a werewolf and just look at the facts: the kids who I've talked to considered me their favorite Defense against the Dark Arts teacher (against two Death Eaters and an arrogant pretty boy, but still...)"
"How was your time at Hogwarts when you previously teached there?"
"I loved it. The kids respected me, the teachers who I had weren't as tough on me now that I was one of them, the only problems I got were from a few...jerks who wouldn't see that I was qualified, but they'll all get theirs (::coughSnape'sinfatuatedwiththebloodthatcomesoutofadeadfemalebabyanimalcough::)"
"Well, What are you up to at the moment?"
"Not much. I've been helping rally all the old gang against Voldemort,and that's going pretty well. Other than that, it's just normal stuff, really."
"Have you talked at all recently with Harry Potter? Sirius Black? Albus Dumbledore?"
"To tell you the truth, I haven't talked too much with Harry, but I'd like to try and get back in touch with him. I mean, he's the son of two of my closest friends, he was one of my best students, and was just a really cool guy. Sirius? I've hung out with him to help rally the old gang. I've got to stay around Sirius, as he is my oldest friend still living (As far as I'm concerned, Pettigrew's dead and always will be.) Dumbledore's still been tight with me. I talk to him as often as I get a chance to, so he knows I'm still alive."
"Speaking of friendships, do you have a love interest? (^_^)"
"Depends, are you asking? Otherwise, it's a real problem. I've never met a female werewolf, and the females who aren't werewolves tend to get a little...frightened when you tell them that you are one. I'm still looking for a girl who won't really care about the werewolf thing, but they apparently only exist in bad teen movies and average-to-okay teen TV shows."
"I see...Are you interested in Muggle things? Such as T.V., computers, et cetra."
"Well, I do own a television and keep it charmed under an Age Line set for 1000 years old so that I can't go past to break it, because when you're able at any time to destroy people, there's not much for the "Trying to be tame" werewolf to do except watch a little TV. I do own a computer. My e-mail address is Emag Modnar Eht@aol.com, in case you need to reach me, shoot the shit, stuff like that...:URGGGGGGG::::"
"APRIL FOOLS....YIKES!"Snape quickly ran from the room.
"Snape...what did you....dooooooooooHOWLOOOOO! THIS IS WOLFMAN JACK COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD TO CAUSE SOME TROUBLE!" Instantly, he clawed at Katrine, ripping her clothing.
"YES! SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN EQUAL RATINGS!" the network executive replied.
"HAHAHA! YOU TALKING HEADS FOR MTV...USE CLEARASIL OR I'LL CLAW YOUR ASSES!" Lupin/Wolfman started to come after them...
"Yikes...um, Wingardium Leviosa?" I replied while waving a nearby stick around. Instantly, a nearby chair was lifted from the ground and smashed "Lupin" on the head.
"Is he...dead?" I asked.
"I think you just knocked him out. Don't worry, he'll wake up in Jersey and think the whole thing's a dream...KAIENTAI?" the network executive replied.
"OKAY! WE WILL SET HIM LOOSE!"
"INDEED...."
"Yeesh...what the hell happened there? How did I..." I asked.
"Well, allow me to explain..." the network executive asked.
"No, no, I'll handle it..."
"Dumbledore?" Hannah asked.
"Yes...I see you're back from your exchange...that's a relief...Well, it's obvious how Alan here handled this werewolf with that spell..."
"How?" Seamus asked.
"Long or short answer?" Dumbledore asked.
"Short..." I replied.
"Well, I'll explain the longer one later on...short answer...Alan, you're a wizard." Dumbledore replied.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed.
"Hmmm...I recognize this...we're back in England! They must have assumed this was where we'd be heading!" Hannah replied.
"THERE YOU ARE! WE'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU!" a man replied.
"Okay...on the count of three...RUN! It's a network guy!" We started to run until the network man spoke.
"No, no, it's not the whole...dementor thing...we wanted to give you an extension on our deal!"
"Extension?" I asked.
"Of course! We're finally getting the review levels we expected when we promoted you from FF8, this is getting a high amount of "Fave Story" counts, this is doing really well for us!" they replied.
"EXCELLENT! Do we get our money-levels back?" Seamus asked.
"Um, no...the wild, 'anything can happen' nature's the selling point..."
"Okay...but we do get stuff, right?" I asked.
"Well, of course...two sackfuls of Galleons per show each, a better timeslot, oh, and...Hannah, is it?"
"Um, yes..."
"We need to help out a little bit...we're getting you a new wardrobe more fitting for an MTV personality..."
"I...see..."
"So, who's this first show going for?" Seamus asked.
"Apparently, they've sent our new...assistants out to get the person. Some 'Katrine Potter-Lupin' chick's going to interview Lupin. Pretty standard, really..." Suddenly, Hannah walked in wearing an outfit that was apparently taken out of the pile of clothing Jennifer Lopez rejected for being "too slutty."
"I think the Fanatic is ready..." Hannah replied.
"OHHH YEAHHH! I'm going to have to...take a sick day, Alan...I think Hannah is going to as well..."
"What are you talking about, Seamus?"
"Um, don't you read these things, Alan? Cedric left a message beyond the grave of his teachings. One of those was, 'The less clothes a girl is wearing, the less you have to spend for them to owe you sex.' And with THAT outfit, bro..."
"Um, dude, he never wrote that..." I replied.
"Well, sure, but it's typical code!"
"I'll keep that in mind. Just keep it in there for the episode. Bring them in." Instantly, Kaientai walked in with Katrine in tow.
"HAAHHAHAHAHAHAH! WE HAVE BROUGHT YOU YOUR SUBJECT FOR THIS FANATICS EPISODE!"
"INDEED..."
"NO! This is bad...My therapist was right, god DOES hate me..." I replied.
"DO NOT WORRY. WE WERE APPROACHED BY MTV! GAVE GOOD DEAL!"
"INDEED..."
"Okay, but if you try and kill me for the Yakuza, I'll be VERY upset...Send the fanatic in..."
"Welcome to Harry Potter Fanatics! I am Alan Smithee, this is my little sidekick Seamus Finnigan..."
"WASSUP?"
"...And our apparently Network-forced eye candy, Hannah Abbott..."
"Hi..."
"Tonight, we're having Katrine Potter-Lupin interview Professor R.J. Lupin!"
Opening thoughts:
"Wow...I can't believe I'm actually going to meet Professor Lupin...this is SO cool...I've got just too many questions to ask him..."
"tee hee hee...I am SO evil this April Fool's Day..."
"Potion boy! I need my Sanity Tonic..."
"Coming right up, Moony... ::just a pinch of this, and this potion is going to make for some great guerrila theater...::"
"Ah, thank you, Snape...don't worry. Sit back, relax. Now, this person is what we call a 'FAN.' These 'FANS' tend to respect the person who they're 'FANS' of. This may be a shock, because no one with half a brain could respect you, but..."
"Lupin?"
"Katrine! What's going on?"
"Absolutely nothing..."
"Well, same here..."
"Okay...well, What were your parents like?"
"Ah...My parents were basically...pretty normal, as a witch and wizard would be. I was always treated nicely, I never had to want anything growing up. It was basically really cool. "
"Were your parents supportive of you when you became (so to speak) a werewolf? Where they afraid of you?"
"Well, I wouldn't say supportive. You can't really be supportive of becoming a werewolf, as that would imply like I had some sort of choice when I was bitten. They were a little afraid of me, but it wasn't much of a problem. My mother top subject at Hogwarts was Astronomy; she was even bandied about as a possible replacement for the retiring old Astronomy teacher about 5 years before I started there. As a result, they just managed to get me "personal camping trips" in a large forest about every full moon before I got to Hogwarts- rather standard ways that people helped werewolves in that time, really."
"I see... How did your friends react?"
"It was nothing in those times, really. I was always an outcast before I was bitten, and never really had any true friends. The only difference between before and after was that the kids at least had a reason to fear and hate me."
"Well...On to another topic, now. Do you think there is ever a possibility that you will teach at Hogwarts again?"
"I sincerely hope so. The only problem is that in order for me to do it, it would require people to just not care that I'm a werewolf and just look at the facts: the kids who I've talked to considered me their favorite Defense against the Dark Arts teacher (against two Death Eaters and an arrogant pretty boy, but still...)"
"How was your time at Hogwarts when you previously teached there?"
"I loved it. The kids respected me, the teachers who I had weren't as tough on me now that I was one of them, the only problems I got were from a few...jerks who wouldn't see that I was qualified, but they'll all get theirs (::coughSnape'sinfatuatedwiththebloodthatcomesoutofadeadfemalebabyanimalcough::)"
"Well, What are you up to at the moment?"
"Not much. I've been helping rally all the old gang against Voldemort,and that's going pretty well. Other than that, it's just normal stuff, really."
"Have you talked at all recently with Harry Potter? Sirius Black? Albus Dumbledore?"
"To tell you the truth, I haven't talked too much with Harry, but I'd like to try and get back in touch with him. I mean, he's the son of two of my closest friends, he was one of my best students, and was just a really cool guy. Sirius? I've hung out with him to help rally the old gang. I've got to stay around Sirius, as he is my oldest friend still living (As far as I'm concerned, Pettigrew's dead and always will be.) Dumbledore's still been tight with me. I talk to him as often as I get a chance to, so he knows I'm still alive."
"Speaking of friendships, do you have a love interest? (^_^)"
"Depends, are you asking? Otherwise, it's a real problem. I've never met a female werewolf, and the females who aren't werewolves tend to get a little...frightened when you tell them that you are one. I'm still looking for a girl who won't really care about the werewolf thing, but they apparently only exist in bad teen movies and average-to-okay teen TV shows."
"I see...Are you interested in Muggle things? Such as T.V., computers, et cetra."
"Well, I do own a television and keep it charmed under an Age Line set for 1000 years old so that I can't go past to break it, because when you're able at any time to destroy people, there's not much for the "Trying to be tame" werewolf to do except watch a little TV. I do own a computer. My e-mail address is Emag Modnar Eht@aol.com, in case you need to reach me, shoot the shit, stuff like that...:URGGGGGGG::::"
"APRIL FOOLS....YIKES!"Snape quickly ran from the room.
"Snape...what did you....dooooooooooHOWLOOOOO! THIS IS WOLFMAN JACK COMING BACK FROM THE DEAD TO CAUSE SOME TROUBLE!" Instantly, he clawed at Katrine, ripping her clothing.
"YES! SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN EQUAL RATINGS!" the network executive replied.
"HAHAHA! YOU TALKING HEADS FOR MTV...USE CLEARASIL OR I'LL CLAW YOUR ASSES!" Lupin/Wolfman started to come after them...
"Yikes...um, Wingardium Leviosa?" I replied while waving a nearby stick around. Instantly, a nearby chair was lifted from the ground and smashed "Lupin" on the head.
"Is he...dead?" I asked.
"I think you just knocked him out. Don't worry, he'll wake up in Jersey and think the whole thing's a dream...KAIENTAI?" the network executive replied.
"OKAY! WE WILL SET HIM LOOSE!"
"INDEED...."
"Yeesh...what the hell happened there? How did I..." I asked.
"Well, allow me to explain..." the network executive asked.
"No, no, I'll handle it..."
"Dumbledore?" Hannah asked.
"Yes...I see you're back from your exchange...that's a relief...Well, it's obvious how Alan here handled this werewolf with that spell..."
"How?" Seamus asked.
"Long or short answer?" Dumbledore asked.
"Short..." I replied.
"Well, I'll explain the longer one later on...short answer...Alan, you're a wizard." Dumbledore replied.
"WHAT THE FUCK?" I screamed.