"I'm sorry, you have to be wrong, Dumbledore! I can't be a wizard...I'm a successful MTV personality! We're supposed to be all Muggles!" I shouted.
"Nope. Be happy I don't go further into your history...." Dumbledore replied.
"But I can't be...I'm...I'm not trained! I'm in a Muggle high school, and I'm just about to graduate..."
"Oh, yes. I know your record...You went to an 'Alternative High School', then were accepted at a 'really small liberal arts college that only your teachers have heard of', right?"
"Well, yes..."
"Grow up...the high school you go to is really one of the top Wizarding schools out there. Your soon-to-be college is arguably The top Wizarding College in the United States. Didn't you notice the Quidditch teams there?"
"I...I thought they were just a Kickball squad..."
"Poor, poor Alan. Good wizard with a Muggle mentality."
"Well, let's just get on with the subject. Who's our next assignment?" I asked my 'sidekicks'.
"Well, we've got Tifa Gainsborough here..." Seamus replied.
"Dammit...this is bad...just transferred from Final Fantasy...could know how I got this 'Amazingly Original' idea for a series..." I replied.
"Okay...well, she's going to be interviewing...Lord Voldemort..." Hannah replied.
"WHAT? VOLDEMORT? ON MY SHOW? HE'S EVIL! HE TRIES TO KILL ME!" I yelled.
"Come on...the show must go on...Possible death equals ratings..." Seamus replied.
"Oh, all right. Let's go...KAIENTAI!" In an instant, Kaientai brought Tifa into the studio.
"HERE YOU GO, ALAN! THE FANATIC!" Taka replied.
"SHOULD WE GO GET VOLDEMORT?" Funaki asked.
"INDEED..." I replied.
"HEY! THAT IS MY LINE! NOW I AM ANGRY!" Funaki screamed as they went to get Voldemort.
"Okay...find a happy place...Ah, Voldemort! You old son-of-a-bitch! What's been going on?"
Opening remarks:
"This is so cool...I mean, Voldemort is the evil guy, and has easily the most style of all of the characters in Harry Potter....I mean, he sounds a little like a hippie gone wrong somehow....I can't believe it! I get into an Alan Smithee story, I get to interview Voldemort, this is just awesome!"
"Hey, man, where's the lady at? The Big Bad Booty Daddy is here to kick his evil shiz-nat!"
"Um, Voldemort..."
"What, man?"
"Why's the Dementor with you?"
"You know...It's my seeing eye dog...I have glaucoma....at least, that's what this doctor's note I got in Arizona says..."
"Oh, all right."
"Voldemort!"
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"Great...well, let's get down to business..."
"Excellent..."
"Okay... If the Death Eaters are your real family, which is your mum and which is your dad?"
"Ah. Well, you see, the Death Eaters are like...the children, the cousins, those types. As with most of them, I am the mum, I am the dad, I am the favored child."
"Ah...Were you a really deprived child when you were younger?"
"Of course I was. My father left my mother because he found out she was a witch, my mother died in childbirth, I was sent to live in a Muggle orphanage, everything was horrible for me! I guess that's why I wanted to take over the world.... that way I'd finally get what I deserve. Plus, well, KoRn wasn't popular yet, so I couldn't just make a bunch of hard songs about how I was mistreated, so..."
"Moving along...Why keep trying to kill Harry? Why not go after somebody like... Lockhart, everybody would be happy to see him die..."
"Look, I really ain't got no thing against Harry. I mean he's doing his thing, I'm doing my thing, right? But the problem is, he's my failure. I set out to kill all of the Potters, and he survived. Now, to find another wizarding family might be hard to get and kill them off, so I want to cut it clean with the Potters. To do that, I have to kill Harry. Do you see?"
"What was it like living in your "ugly baby" form?"
"Not too bad. Nice area, I could spy on Harry, all the unicorn blood I could drink...it really kicked some boo-tay!"
"Ah...Why not go after Hogwarts next? I mean, Dumbledore is kinda loony, it might be easy..."
"You don't see...Dumbledore's always a great wizard. A bit mad, but an amazing wizard nonetheless. I can't even hope to go for Hogwarts until I've got enough followers to completely squash the lot of them."
"Wasn't it annoying living on the back of somebody's head for such a long time?"
"Not really. As I said, it was just cool. I got an endless array of unicorn's blood, I was treated as a king, it was just like a party all the time!"
"Okay...If you looked in the Mirror of Erised what would you see?"
"I would see myself ruling the world, my Death Eaters, various world rulers, Asian mystics, a strange street evangelist, and generic babes in tow as I do my thing, having whatever I wanted at that moment happen."
"Ah...Why change your name to Voldemort? I mean, Tom is such a lovely name..."
"TOM IS NOT A LOVELY NAME...It is a dirty Muggle-given name. Voldemort is a proper name for a wizard to show those Muggles that you can't start shit with this guy, or you'll end up just another victim."
"Okay...So what are your plans after you concur the world?"
"Well, I have a few plans....eh, people will probably laugh, though..."
"No, go on, tell us."
"Well, okay...what I'd really like to do is direct. I can see it now, Lord Voldemort stars in the Lord Voldemort Story, written and directed by Lord Voldemort. (Of course, it won't have too much of that Potter dude in this one...I mean, come on. I MADE Potter famous, and he can't even give me a really big part in his movie? Where's the gratitude there? Without that scar, he'd either be just some nameless victim or just some typical wizard!)"
Ah...Well, Can I be a Death Eater? I could be your sister!"
"Well, sure. The more Death Eaters, the better. Just prove your worthiness to be one of us..I don't know...KILL THEM! CRUSH...KILL...DESTROY...HURT THEM, HURT THEM!"
"Hey! We trusted you to play nice!" I shouted.
"I AM Voldemort, you shouldn't trust me! Lackeys..."
"HAHAHAHA! WE ARE HERE TO DO YOUR BIDDING, LORD VOLDEMORT!"
"INDEED...."
"Hey, we hired you to be our lackeys! Get back there!"
"Don't you know yet? WE ARE EEEEVILLLLLL..."
"INDEED..."
"Aw...Seamus, Hannah, Fight them..."
"Um, you are a wizard, Alan..." Seamus replied.
"Yes, but...I'm too pretty to be killed!" I replied.
"Okay....Petrificus Totalus!" The two shouted. Instantly, Kaientai were stopped up.
"NO! THIS IS TOTALLY BAD!"
"In...Deed..."
"Now, I can fight you, Voldemort...Just you, and me..."
"Perfect, Smithee.....I couldn't kill your twin brother, but, well, his mother cared more about him than you..."
"Oh, yeah, sure...Like that's believable..."
"No, you will learn...Harry Potter is your twin..."
"Can't be...CAN'T FUCKING BE..."
"HARRY! Take this! I think I can get away!" Hannah threw Alan her wand and started to run.
"Stop her!" Voldemort called out to his Dementor. Instantly, the dementor surrounded Hannah.
"Commence the making out!" He yelled. Instantly, I yelled "EXPELLIARMUS!", taking Voldemort's wand while he was distracted. "HA! Big important Dark Wizard after all...I've...got...your wand..." I gloated.
"Um, Alan?" Seamus asked.
"Can't talk, Seamus, I'm gloating..."
"Dude, while you were gloating, that dementor kissed Hannah..." Seamus replied.
"Eh, s' cool. He slip her anything?"
"Dude, getting kissed by a dementor makes you lose your soul..." Seamus replied.
"Hold up, we'll see... Sing something that comes to your head..." I asked Hannah.
"YOU ARE....MY FIRE...."
"Dammit! Boy bands! She really has lost her soul!"
"Um, Voldemort's just gotten away..."
"Eh, at least I have his wand...This rules..." I replied.
"Yes...now you and your brother share the same wand..." Dumbledore replied.
"What? Potter really is my twin brother? That so totally reeks of suckitudeositynessment!" I replied.
"Should have asked for the whole story, huh?" Dumbledore asked.
"Nope. Be happy I don't go further into your history...." Dumbledore replied.
"But I can't be...I'm...I'm not trained! I'm in a Muggle high school, and I'm just about to graduate..."
"Oh, yes. I know your record...You went to an 'Alternative High School', then were accepted at a 'really small liberal arts college that only your teachers have heard of', right?"
"Well, yes..."
"Grow up...the high school you go to is really one of the top Wizarding schools out there. Your soon-to-be college is arguably The top Wizarding College in the United States. Didn't you notice the Quidditch teams there?"
"I...I thought they were just a Kickball squad..."
"Poor, poor Alan. Good wizard with a Muggle mentality."
"Well, let's just get on with the subject. Who's our next assignment?" I asked my 'sidekicks'.
"Well, we've got Tifa Gainsborough here..." Seamus replied.
"Dammit...this is bad...just transferred from Final Fantasy...could know how I got this 'Amazingly Original' idea for a series..." I replied.
"Okay...well, she's going to be interviewing...Lord Voldemort..." Hannah replied.
"WHAT? VOLDEMORT? ON MY SHOW? HE'S EVIL! HE TRIES TO KILL ME!" I yelled.
"Come on...the show must go on...Possible death equals ratings..." Seamus replied.
"Oh, all right. Let's go...KAIENTAI!" In an instant, Kaientai brought Tifa into the studio.
"HERE YOU GO, ALAN! THE FANATIC!" Taka replied.
"SHOULD WE GO GET VOLDEMORT?" Funaki asked.
"INDEED..." I replied.
"HEY! THAT IS MY LINE! NOW I AM ANGRY!" Funaki screamed as they went to get Voldemort.
"Okay...find a happy place...Ah, Voldemort! You old son-of-a-bitch! What's been going on?"
Opening remarks:
"This is so cool...I mean, Voldemort is the evil guy, and has easily the most style of all of the characters in Harry Potter....I mean, he sounds a little like a hippie gone wrong somehow....I can't believe it! I get into an Alan Smithee story, I get to interview Voldemort, this is just awesome!"
"Hey, man, where's the lady at? The Big Bad Booty Daddy is here to kick his evil shiz-nat!"
"Um, Voldemort..."
"What, man?"
"Why's the Dementor with you?"
"You know...It's my seeing eye dog...I have glaucoma....at least, that's what this doctor's note I got in Arizona says..."
"Oh, all right."
"Voldemort!"
"Hey, how are you doing?"
"Great...well, let's get down to business..."
"Excellent..."
"Okay... If the Death Eaters are your real family, which is your mum and which is your dad?"
"Ah. Well, you see, the Death Eaters are like...the children, the cousins, those types. As with most of them, I am the mum, I am the dad, I am the favored child."
"Ah...Were you a really deprived child when you were younger?"
"Of course I was. My father left my mother because he found out she was a witch, my mother died in childbirth, I was sent to live in a Muggle orphanage, everything was horrible for me! I guess that's why I wanted to take over the world.... that way I'd finally get what I deserve. Plus, well, KoRn wasn't popular yet, so I couldn't just make a bunch of hard songs about how I was mistreated, so..."
"Moving along...Why keep trying to kill Harry? Why not go after somebody like... Lockhart, everybody would be happy to see him die..."
"Look, I really ain't got no thing against Harry. I mean he's doing his thing, I'm doing my thing, right? But the problem is, he's my failure. I set out to kill all of the Potters, and he survived. Now, to find another wizarding family might be hard to get and kill them off, so I want to cut it clean with the Potters. To do that, I have to kill Harry. Do you see?"
"What was it like living in your "ugly baby" form?"
"Not too bad. Nice area, I could spy on Harry, all the unicorn blood I could drink...it really kicked some boo-tay!"
"Ah...Why not go after Hogwarts next? I mean, Dumbledore is kinda loony, it might be easy..."
"You don't see...Dumbledore's always a great wizard. A bit mad, but an amazing wizard nonetheless. I can't even hope to go for Hogwarts until I've got enough followers to completely squash the lot of them."
"Wasn't it annoying living on the back of somebody's head for such a long time?"
"Not really. As I said, it was just cool. I got an endless array of unicorn's blood, I was treated as a king, it was just like a party all the time!"
"Okay...If you looked in the Mirror of Erised what would you see?"
"I would see myself ruling the world, my Death Eaters, various world rulers, Asian mystics, a strange street evangelist, and generic babes in tow as I do my thing, having whatever I wanted at that moment happen."
"Ah...Why change your name to Voldemort? I mean, Tom is such a lovely name..."
"TOM IS NOT A LOVELY NAME...It is a dirty Muggle-given name. Voldemort is a proper name for a wizard to show those Muggles that you can't start shit with this guy, or you'll end up just another victim."
"Okay...So what are your plans after you concur the world?"
"Well, I have a few plans....eh, people will probably laugh, though..."
"No, go on, tell us."
"Well, okay...what I'd really like to do is direct. I can see it now, Lord Voldemort stars in the Lord Voldemort Story, written and directed by Lord Voldemort. (Of course, it won't have too much of that Potter dude in this one...I mean, come on. I MADE Potter famous, and he can't even give me a really big part in his movie? Where's the gratitude there? Without that scar, he'd either be just some nameless victim or just some typical wizard!)"
Ah...Well, Can I be a Death Eater? I could be your sister!"
"Well, sure. The more Death Eaters, the better. Just prove your worthiness to be one of us..I don't know...KILL THEM! CRUSH...KILL...DESTROY...HURT THEM, HURT THEM!"
"Hey! We trusted you to play nice!" I shouted.
"I AM Voldemort, you shouldn't trust me! Lackeys..."
"HAHAHAHA! WE ARE HERE TO DO YOUR BIDDING, LORD VOLDEMORT!"
"INDEED...."
"Hey, we hired you to be our lackeys! Get back there!"
"Don't you know yet? WE ARE EEEEVILLLLLL..."
"INDEED..."
"Aw...Seamus, Hannah, Fight them..."
"Um, you are a wizard, Alan..." Seamus replied.
"Yes, but...I'm too pretty to be killed!" I replied.
"Okay....Petrificus Totalus!" The two shouted. Instantly, Kaientai were stopped up.
"NO! THIS IS TOTALLY BAD!"
"In...Deed..."
"Now, I can fight you, Voldemort...Just you, and me..."
"Perfect, Smithee.....I couldn't kill your twin brother, but, well, his mother cared more about him than you..."
"Oh, yeah, sure...Like that's believable..."
"No, you will learn...Harry Potter is your twin..."
"Can't be...CAN'T FUCKING BE..."
"HARRY! Take this! I think I can get away!" Hannah threw Alan her wand and started to run.
"Stop her!" Voldemort called out to his Dementor. Instantly, the dementor surrounded Hannah.
"Commence the making out!" He yelled. Instantly, I yelled "EXPELLIARMUS!", taking Voldemort's wand while he was distracted. "HA! Big important Dark Wizard after all...I've...got...your wand..." I gloated.
"Um, Alan?" Seamus asked.
"Can't talk, Seamus, I'm gloating..."
"Dude, while you were gloating, that dementor kissed Hannah..." Seamus replied.
"Eh, s' cool. He slip her anything?"
"Dude, getting kissed by a dementor makes you lose your soul..." Seamus replied.
"Hold up, we'll see... Sing something that comes to your head..." I asked Hannah.
"YOU ARE....MY FIRE...."
"Dammit! Boy bands! She really has lost her soul!"
"Um, Voldemort's just gotten away..."
"Eh, at least I have his wand...This rules..." I replied.
"Yes...now you and your brother share the same wand..." Dumbledore replied.
"What? Potter really is my twin brother? That so totally reeks of suckitudeositynessment!" I replied.
"Should have asked for the whole story, huh?" Dumbledore asked.