The opening round was about to start for the International Amateur Quidditch Tournament, and two of one of the Gryffindor team were talking.
"Dude, we've got this all set! Everyone knows we're the best at Hogwarts, so there'll be no problems there, man!" Fred Weasley said.
"I know, but...what happens if we lose?" Harry Potter replied.
"Dude. The opening two rounds for all of these are Intra-School Qualifiers. We've got Ravenclaw first, and we've beaten them, what, sixty-three thousand, seven hundred thirty-one and a half times so far?"
"A-hem, we beat them that one time, it's not a half..."
"Yeah...on goals alone, because SOMEONE thought that trying to spend a couple hours dallying with a certain opposing Seeker was more important than his team..."
"IT WAS FOR THE SNITCH! How was I to know they'd call jump Snitch, I'd go off of it first, and they'd give the capture to her?"
"You should have just figured that. Keep your top head on getting that Snitch this time. Check the bottom at the door. Once you get us to the Intra-School Final, you're totally free to moon over their Seeker chicky all you want to."
"THAT IS A BLOODY LIE!"
"Good, good, use that anger...Now remember, it's just a normal game, well, except for the fact that every professional team worth its salt is going to be watching..." Suddenly, two figures came up to the two.
"Hi, dudes!" one of them said.
"Hey, isn't that Seamus?" Fred asked.
"Yep. The same. You might not recognize my colleague, though..."
"Greetings. Name's Alan Smithee...I recently found out I'm his brother..." I pointed at Harry.
"Charmed...What's this about?"
"Well, we're on the run from Voldemort...to put it simply, you're both scratched from today's game." The two took their wands and yelled "STUPEFY!" In an instant, the two were stunned.
"Take their uniforms, get their broomsticks, and get onto the field before they can get back up!" Seamus replied. Instantly, me and Seamus took their uniforms off and put our street clothes on over it. "Now let's get to the field!"
"Seamus? What are you doing here?" the Gryffindors asked.
"Long story..."
"Er, the captain named my boy Seamus here as Designated Secret Weapon! Yeah, if they needed someone due to injury or those things, Seamus would take the place! Of course, he couldn't tell you guys because, well, he's secret and all... But anyway, Fred's indisposed, he's doing Beater today."
"Dammit...Why no scar, Harry?"
"(Fuck...) Um, I want to be judged on my merits as a Quidditch player, not as a famous person. I hit up the makeup drawer and covered it. Yeah, that's the ticket."
"Okay...just get into position..." I placed myself against the opposing Seeker.
"Ah, Mr. Potter...One more time, for the pros' delight?" the girl asked.
"Well, I guess so..."
"Cho? Honestly, Harry, you're so bad with names! If I didn't know better, I'd say you were just doing it for the ability to touch my hand before each match..." Cho replied.
"Um...Yeah, I guess so...I'm just all forgetful and stuff..."
"And now, our guest referee for this match-up...The head of the American Department of Magical Games and Sports, Dark Horse!"
"Thank you, thank you...teams, let's get ready to rumble! ::psst...Alan? What are you doing here?::" Dark Horse replied.
"::psst...long story...Voldemort on tail...had to go underground...If anyone asks, I'm Harry Potter...::" I replied.
"::okay::" The game started. I tried to look for the Snitch, but that whole "Not being a really trained Seeker" thing made it immensely hard. To top it off, the opposing Seeker was really good. Luckily, my team's...goal-scorer guys were excellent, so we had no trouble.
"Hmmm...gold...THE SNITCH!" I yelled. Suddenly, Cho came up behind me.
"Dammit...I'm not supposed to yell that out, am I?" I dove for it. Suddenly, Cho made a quick move to the ground and came up under the Snitch to the point where both of our hands met while attempting to take it.
"Okay...Okay...We've got a Standoff for the Snitch..." Dark Horse came over to check on the Snitch's movement.
"Could I get a Beater over here, right now...::hint, hint::!" I asked. Instantly, Seamus headed over.
"What's this for?" Dark Horse asked.
"Well, since we're going to be here a while, I figured this would be a good time to start an episode...you in?" I asked.
"Hey, sure..." Dark Horse replied.
"Hi, everyone,and welcome to another episode of Harry Potter Fanatics. I am Alan Smithee..."
"Alan Smithee? First off, who are you? Secondly, where's Harry?" Cho asked.
"Um, he's...indisposed...Don't worry, he's my brother, it's all good. With me is Seamus Finnigan..."
"What's up, my peeps?"
"And of course, on our update on the fate of our third person: Hannah Abbott is still dead. Tonight, we're live at a first round game for the International Amateur Quidditch tournament where Dark Horse will interview Cho Chang!"
Opening thoughts:
"I don't know WHAT Alan has got me into this time, but I have the strange feeling that something's going to go wrong here..."
"Is this a trick to get the Snitch from me?"
"Hi...I'd shake your hand, but...you know, the Snitch thing..."
"I understand completely..."
"Okay, then...How far have you gone to get a guy's attention?"
"Well, It's not too hard for me to get guys' attention for some reason. Probably the farthest I've ever went was during my first Quidditch game. This one Chaser for Hufflepuff (what IS it with me and Hufflepuff boys? I swear...) was just a total hottie, so I tried to impress him with my skill. I attempted the Wronski Feint to really show my ability at flying...their Seeker followed me down perfectly. Unfortunately, I didn't turn either....Final tally: Broken arm and collarbone (from their Seeker) and now, when I get married, I will not be able to wear white (from his broomstick...), guy wasn't impressed. Eh, I won the Quidditch Cup and came in second for Rookie Performer of the Year to Potter, and he didn't, so THERE!"
"I see...What were you smoking when you were going out with Cedric?"
"Hey, don't knock the guy! He was a really nice guy! A little...dense, sure, but he was fun to hang out with, nice, caring...Eh, just goes to show you. All the good men are either married, gay, and if they're neither they get killed by Lord Voldemort for a plot device."
"Okay...How do you honestly feel about Harry Potter?"
"Well, to tell you the honest truth? I am honestly surprised that people don't like me because I didn't go for Harry. I mean, I like Harry. He's a good guy. In fact, the only reason I turned him down when he asked me out was because Cedric asked me first, and I'm a firm believer that if you agree to go out with someone, it's really cold to turn them down just because someone better asked you out the same night. (Tell the truth, if I had to pick between the two, I'd pick Harry easily...) If Harry were to ask me out tomorrow, I'd say yes in a heartbeat."
"Okay... In your own words...what's so great about YOU?"
"I honestly don't know what makes people fall all over themselves for me. I mean, I'm told that I'm attractive, but what's the point there? I think that it's the real me that matters more than how pretty I am. If more people would think that way, the world would be a much better place."
"I feel the same way...What do you look for in a guy?"
"Quite simply, someone who'll look past how I look and try to see how I am as a person. Someone who I have fun with, someone who can make me laugh, someone who's just a great catch on the inside as well as the outside. (Oh, they don't necessarily have to be a wizard...)"
"Well, that's a plus...What's your IQ? Is it high?"
"I think I tried that out once on a computer they were demonstrating over at Hogsmeade...(BTW, have you heard of that World Wide Web thing? Isn't that something that an Acromantula would make?) I tried out something like that on some 'Web Site', and I tested in the 120-130 range...is that good?."
"I think so...If you could go back and change one thing about your life so far, what would it be?"
"I don't really know. I've been pretty happy with my life so far...I mean, there hasn't been too many problems for me. I'd probably just not go so...gung-ho about some things. I would have gone so completely ga-ga over Cedric, so I wouldn't hurt as badly now as I had. Either that or up my height about three inches. I'm sick of having to wear platforms and get a haircut that makes me look like I just stepped out of 1987 just to look like your average fourth year...YOU! ASSHOLE! YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND!" Cho loosened her grip on the Snitch. Knowing where she was going, I did the same!
"Dammit, baby, what's your problem? You're switched, You could easily drop him and become Mr.Voldemort's Favorite Freak without a problem..."
"VOLDEMORT? AAAAHHHHH!" I started to run.
"Alan? Cho? Aren't you going to get the Snitch? There's professionals waiting in the stands..." Dark Horse yelled.
"Dude! They're all gone! Get gone yourself if you want to live!"
"Okay...." Dark Horse started to ride.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort shouted. A burst of green light hit Dark Horse, striking him dead while his broom kept moving.
"We've got to exit stage right...Come on!"
"No...got to win..."
"Hold up, Seamus! Grab my broomstick!"
"Okay, Alan!" I strapped my shoes as tightly as I could to the broom's handle and reached out to grab Cho's broom. Instantly, she burst into enough speed so I could get to it.
"Thanks..." Cho replied.
"Hold up...NISIR WALTUO!" Instantly, the broomsticks turned into Portkeys, heading the three of us far from the area.
"What happened?" Cho asked.
"Nothing much...Just needed to get gone from Voldemort. Oh, yeah, since it'll be hard to get back...you're expendable chick now..." Seamus replied.
"WHAT DOES EXPENDABLE CHICK MEAN?"
"Well, you're a chick, and the last chick for ours died..."
"Dammit...I don't want to die!"
"Dude, we've got this all set! Everyone knows we're the best at Hogwarts, so there'll be no problems there, man!" Fred Weasley said.
"I know, but...what happens if we lose?" Harry Potter replied.
"Dude. The opening two rounds for all of these are Intra-School Qualifiers. We've got Ravenclaw first, and we've beaten them, what, sixty-three thousand, seven hundred thirty-one and a half times so far?"
"A-hem, we beat them that one time, it's not a half..."
"Yeah...on goals alone, because SOMEONE thought that trying to spend a couple hours dallying with a certain opposing Seeker was more important than his team..."
"IT WAS FOR THE SNITCH! How was I to know they'd call jump Snitch, I'd go off of it first, and they'd give the capture to her?"
"You should have just figured that. Keep your top head on getting that Snitch this time. Check the bottom at the door. Once you get us to the Intra-School Final, you're totally free to moon over their Seeker chicky all you want to."
"THAT IS A BLOODY LIE!"
"Good, good, use that anger...Now remember, it's just a normal game, well, except for the fact that every professional team worth its salt is going to be watching..." Suddenly, two figures came up to the two.
"Hi, dudes!" one of them said.
"Hey, isn't that Seamus?" Fred asked.
"Yep. The same. You might not recognize my colleague, though..."
"Greetings. Name's Alan Smithee...I recently found out I'm his brother..." I pointed at Harry.
"Charmed...What's this about?"
"Well, we're on the run from Voldemort...to put it simply, you're both scratched from today's game." The two took their wands and yelled "STUPEFY!" In an instant, the two were stunned.
"Take their uniforms, get their broomsticks, and get onto the field before they can get back up!" Seamus replied. Instantly, me and Seamus took their uniforms off and put our street clothes on over it. "Now let's get to the field!"
"Seamus? What are you doing here?" the Gryffindors asked.
"Long story..."
"Er, the captain named my boy Seamus here as Designated Secret Weapon! Yeah, if they needed someone due to injury or those things, Seamus would take the place! Of course, he couldn't tell you guys because, well, he's secret and all... But anyway, Fred's indisposed, he's doing Beater today."
"Dammit...Why no scar, Harry?"
"(Fuck...) Um, I want to be judged on my merits as a Quidditch player, not as a famous person. I hit up the makeup drawer and covered it. Yeah, that's the ticket."
"Okay...just get into position..." I placed myself against the opposing Seeker.
"Ah, Mr. Potter...One more time, for the pros' delight?" the girl asked.
"Well, I guess so..."
"Cho? Honestly, Harry, you're so bad with names! If I didn't know better, I'd say you were just doing it for the ability to touch my hand before each match..." Cho replied.
"Um...Yeah, I guess so...I'm just all forgetful and stuff..."
"And now, our guest referee for this match-up...The head of the American Department of Magical Games and Sports, Dark Horse!"
"Thank you, thank you...teams, let's get ready to rumble! ::psst...Alan? What are you doing here?::" Dark Horse replied.
"::psst...long story...Voldemort on tail...had to go underground...If anyone asks, I'm Harry Potter...::" I replied.
"::okay::" The game started. I tried to look for the Snitch, but that whole "Not being a really trained Seeker" thing made it immensely hard. To top it off, the opposing Seeker was really good. Luckily, my team's...goal-scorer guys were excellent, so we had no trouble.
"Hmmm...gold...THE SNITCH!" I yelled. Suddenly, Cho came up behind me.
"Dammit...I'm not supposed to yell that out, am I?" I dove for it. Suddenly, Cho made a quick move to the ground and came up under the Snitch to the point where both of our hands met while attempting to take it.
"Okay...Okay...We've got a Standoff for the Snitch..." Dark Horse came over to check on the Snitch's movement.
"Could I get a Beater over here, right now...::hint, hint::!" I asked. Instantly, Seamus headed over.
"What's this for?" Dark Horse asked.
"Well, since we're going to be here a while, I figured this would be a good time to start an episode...you in?" I asked.
"Hey, sure..." Dark Horse replied.
"Hi, everyone,and welcome to another episode of Harry Potter Fanatics. I am Alan Smithee..."
"Alan Smithee? First off, who are you? Secondly, where's Harry?" Cho asked.
"Um, he's...indisposed...Don't worry, he's my brother, it's all good. With me is Seamus Finnigan..."
"What's up, my peeps?"
"And of course, on our update on the fate of our third person: Hannah Abbott is still dead. Tonight, we're live at a first round game for the International Amateur Quidditch tournament where Dark Horse will interview Cho Chang!"
Opening thoughts:
"I don't know WHAT Alan has got me into this time, but I have the strange feeling that something's going to go wrong here..."
"Is this a trick to get the Snitch from me?"
"Hi...I'd shake your hand, but...you know, the Snitch thing..."
"I understand completely..."
"Okay, then...How far have you gone to get a guy's attention?"
"Well, It's not too hard for me to get guys' attention for some reason. Probably the farthest I've ever went was during my first Quidditch game. This one Chaser for Hufflepuff (what IS it with me and Hufflepuff boys? I swear...) was just a total hottie, so I tried to impress him with my skill. I attempted the Wronski Feint to really show my ability at flying...their Seeker followed me down perfectly. Unfortunately, I didn't turn either....Final tally: Broken arm and collarbone (from their Seeker) and now, when I get married, I will not be able to wear white (from his broomstick...), guy wasn't impressed. Eh, I won the Quidditch Cup and came in second for Rookie Performer of the Year to Potter, and he didn't, so THERE!"
"I see...What were you smoking when you were going out with Cedric?"
"Hey, don't knock the guy! He was a really nice guy! A little...dense, sure, but he was fun to hang out with, nice, caring...Eh, just goes to show you. All the good men are either married, gay, and if they're neither they get killed by Lord Voldemort for a plot device."
"Okay...How do you honestly feel about Harry Potter?"
"Well, to tell you the honest truth? I am honestly surprised that people don't like me because I didn't go for Harry. I mean, I like Harry. He's a good guy. In fact, the only reason I turned him down when he asked me out was because Cedric asked me first, and I'm a firm believer that if you agree to go out with someone, it's really cold to turn them down just because someone better asked you out the same night. (Tell the truth, if I had to pick between the two, I'd pick Harry easily...) If Harry were to ask me out tomorrow, I'd say yes in a heartbeat."
"Okay... In your own words...what's so great about YOU?"
"I honestly don't know what makes people fall all over themselves for me. I mean, I'm told that I'm attractive, but what's the point there? I think that it's the real me that matters more than how pretty I am. If more people would think that way, the world would be a much better place."
"I feel the same way...What do you look for in a guy?"
"Quite simply, someone who'll look past how I look and try to see how I am as a person. Someone who I have fun with, someone who can make me laugh, someone who's just a great catch on the inside as well as the outside. (Oh, they don't necessarily have to be a wizard...)"
"Well, that's a plus...What's your IQ? Is it high?"
"I think I tried that out once on a computer they were demonstrating over at Hogsmeade...(BTW, have you heard of that World Wide Web thing? Isn't that something that an Acromantula would make?) I tried out something like that on some 'Web Site', and I tested in the 120-130 range...is that good?."
"I think so...If you could go back and change one thing about your life so far, what would it be?"
"I don't really know. I've been pretty happy with my life so far...I mean, there hasn't been too many problems for me. I'd probably just not go so...gung-ho about some things. I would have gone so completely ga-ga over Cedric, so I wouldn't hurt as badly now as I had. Either that or up my height about three inches. I'm sick of having to wear platforms and get a haircut that makes me look like I just stepped out of 1987 just to look like your average fourth year...YOU! ASSHOLE! YOU KILLED MY BOYFRIEND!" Cho loosened her grip on the Snitch. Knowing where she was going, I did the same!
"Dammit, baby, what's your problem? You're switched, You could easily drop him and become Mr.Voldemort's Favorite Freak without a problem..."
"VOLDEMORT? AAAAHHHHH!" I started to run.
"Alan? Cho? Aren't you going to get the Snitch? There's professionals waiting in the stands..." Dark Horse yelled.
"Dude! They're all gone! Get gone yourself if you want to live!"
"Okay...." Dark Horse started to ride.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort shouted. A burst of green light hit Dark Horse, striking him dead while his broom kept moving.
"We've got to exit stage right...Come on!"
"No...got to win..."
"Hold up, Seamus! Grab my broomstick!"
"Okay, Alan!" I strapped my shoes as tightly as I could to the broom's handle and reached out to grab Cho's broom. Instantly, she burst into enough speed so I could get to it.
"Thanks..." Cho replied.
"Hold up...NISIR WALTUO!" Instantly, the broomsticks turned into Portkeys, heading the three of us far from the area.
"What happened?" Cho asked.
"Nothing much...Just needed to get gone from Voldemort. Oh, yeah, since it'll be hard to get back...you're expendable chick now..." Seamus replied.
"WHAT DOES EXPENDABLE CHICK MEAN?"
"Well, you're a chick, and the last chick for ours died..."
"Dammit...I don't want to die!"